Broken

House, M.D.

Part Fourteen: Mistake

She'd been embarrassed before. Misspelling words at spelling bees. Getting a less-than-satisfactory grade on a math test. Dissecting her high school lab partner's fetal pig with the wrong scalpel.

Nothing like this.

This went beyond embarrassment, beyond mortification. It was shame. Humiliation.

She had slept with Chase.

She had gotten high on her patient's drugs and slept with Chase.

Kalvin, PPTH's new diagnostic mystery, had convinced her that being good all the time only added to an already-miserable life. And she had believed him.

Of course, she had been distressed at the time, seeing that earlier that day Kalvin had coughed infected blood into her face and now she was at risk for contracting HIV.

But it was no excuse.

"You know, I hope you don't have it," Kalvin had said, "but getting HIV might have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I used to be a good boy. Never wanted to piss anybody off. Playing by the rules makes everyone else happy. Now, I'm happy."

She had smiled at him. Actually smiled. Actually considered what he was talking about. She took his drugs, disposed of most of them, but kept just enough to for her own use. She used them. She got high.

And of course that had to be the moment that Chase stopped by to check on her.

All she really remembered was seeing him come into her apartment. The rest was a blur of skin and color. He left as soon as it was over, probably as embarrassed as she was.

She had spent the early morning huddled in the corner, hating herself and desperately trying to think of a way to take the edge off the methamphetamines she had taken. There wasn't anything to do. So she had dressed, put a hat on, and gone into work.

House, as usual, with his amazing powers of deduction, had figured out exactly what had happened.

Near the end of the case, she was able to look at Kalvin again, though not without feeling some stab of anger toward him. After all, if he hadn't deluded her into thinking that drugs were her ticket to freedom, she wouldn't have tried them anyway.

But if you had thought about it instead of just jumping into it—

She closed her eyes and forced back the angry tears that threatened to fall.

Stupid. You were supposed to be making yourself stronger. You were supposed to be working toward being a better doctor. Now, you're just like Kalvin.

She could feel House's eyes on her.

What does he think of you now? You slept with Chase. You slept with him. She glanced toward House, who had turned his attention to something else. Why couldn't it have been House who came to check on me? She frowned the moment she thought it. No. I'm glad it wasn't House. If it had been House, it wouldn't have happened. Chase should have stopped me. He should have. He knew I was high, and he went along with it anyway. House would have stopped me. House wouldn't have let it happen. Of course, House wouldn't have come to check on me anyway.

She watched his blue eyes as they focused intently on the whiteboard.

If anything ever happens between House and me, she thought to herself, I want to remember it.

That evening as she checked on Kalvin she couldn't stop the anger that welled up inside her. She had been doing well enough in containing it, until he started talking to her. And it all came out.

"You haven't had a single visitor except for your dad," she snapped at him. "Drugs are great. HIV freed you. Your dad hates you. You're so happy. Everything's a lie!"

She felt tears pricking her eyes.

"You're not trying to have fun. You're trying to self-destruct. You want to kill yourself? Fine." She turned away. "But stop recruiting."

She escaped as quickly as she could and fled to the locker room. She was the only one there, and she sat down on the bench. She let the tears out.

Tears of anger, shame, disappointment. She cried. She cried like she hadn't cried in years, since her husband had died. And when she was done, she admitted to herself that she felt slightly better.

It was a mistake. It won't happen again.

She straightened on the bench.

I don't need drugs. I don't need sex. I don't need anyone or anything. She looked at her reflection in the tile floor. I don't have HIV. I don't need House's approval. I don't need House for anything. I'm just fine alone.

A single tear fell down her face and splashed on the tile. She gasped slightly as a realization swept over her.

You're more like Kalvin than you realized, Cameron. You're just as alone as he is.