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Kill The Messenger & Love Me Dead

Once Kate stopped reeling from his words, from their implications, she found the courage to meet his eyes, completely unsure of what she might find there. She was met with hope and excitement, of course, but both were tamped down by his I-just-put-my-foot-in-my-mouth expression.

True, they'd talked kids before, but in more of a 'someday' scenario. And they'd been in the Hamptons when it happened, which always made things feel more surreal somehow.

But now that he'd said it that way, so definite, and so proud of her even though it hadn't even happened yet...now it was real. And a bit overwhelming. She was going to be a parent someday. They were. Together.

Wow.

"You okay?" Castle asked softly, and she started guiltily, realized she'd been mutely staring at him with wide eyes, mouth hanging open.

She smiled softly, hoping it looked less forced than it felt. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

They were going to be parents someday. And beneath the initial waves of barely suppressed panic, there was a warm feeling embracing her. Happiness. She should be smiling right now.

"You sure?"

She pressed her lips to the tip of his nose, smiled in earnest this time. "Yeah."

"Okay."

Silence fell, and Castle fiddled with the corner of the page, feeling the paper bend slightly with every pass of his fingers. Kate followed the absent-minded motions with her eyes, allowed herself to be sucked back into his letters, his story. Their story. She could ponder the whens and how manys and who-will-they-look-likes of their future children later.

Right now it was just the two of them and his words, and those had always held the power to make everything else fade away.

Kate,

It's amazing, what people will do for their families. Confessing to a crime you didn't commit and going to prison for life, for instance. It's crazy, on the face of it. But I guess no one ever said love was sane. People have killed for love, so going to prison certainly pales in comparison to that.

It makes me wonder, though, if I've done enough for Alexis. I've done my fair share of crazy things. Setting things on fire, stealing police horses, learning to juggle chainsaws. But those were all for me, for my own entertainment. None were for Alexis. Maybe that makes me a bad person, a bad father. Maybe I was too young and reckless to have a kid. Ah, hell, who am I kidding? Of course I was too young. But I didn't really have a choice (and looking back, I don't regret a single moment I've had with Alexis), so what could I do?

But back to my point, which is that even in the midst of murder and poor decisions, it's nice to see situations where a father's love shines through so strongly. It renews my faith in the human race, which is good because it's hard to stay optimistic when you spend your days surrounded by killers. I guess now I see why you're so practical and matter-of-fact. Because it's what you're exposed to day in and day out.

I hope you know, though, that good people exist. People care and people love and not everyone is out to get someone else.

You're one of those people, Kate. I can only hope that I am, too.

I've clearly done some less than stellar things. I've been divorced twice, been in trouble with the law, slept with a lot of women. So what does that make me?

I want to believe it's possible to overlook those things when people judge me. Alexis says I'm a good father. My mother does too, even though she occasionally has to kick me in the ass. I get letters from fans telling me how my books helped them through difficult times. And I'd like to think I'm helpful at the Twelfth, too. An asset of some sort.

I may not have made the best decisions in the past, but I'm not a bad person. At least, I like to think I'm not. I'd do anything for my mother or Alexis. Absolutely anything. Those are good things, right? They make up for everything else?

Now I'm completely confused and conflicted. Usually writing helps me sort out my feelings but today it's just making things worse. It's times like these I wonder how I can ever manage to write novels that are comprehensible.

Maybe it's time for me to stop thinking and go to bed, where I can at least dream of being a better man.

Until tomorrow, Detective.

-Castle

"You're a good person, Castle," Kate said softly, setting the journal aside and turning to face him. "Don't ever doubt that."

"Even with all the questionable choices I've made?" He looked so serious, like so much was riding on her answer, and it twisted her heart.

She reached out, smoothed away the worry lines between his eyes with her thumb. "We all make bad decisions."

"But I've made a lot of them," he confessed guiltily. "Doesn't that say something negative about my character? I mean, look at everything I've done..."

Kate burst out laughing, couldn't help it from bubbling over. It shouldn't be funny, not with how concerned he was, and her timing was absolutely awful. But the layers of irony here were just too much.

"Everything you've done? What about me?" she practically guffawed. "I was the wild child of Stuyvesant High."

"And I was just known as the kid who got kicked out of multiple schools." Where once there was pride in that label, now there was only shame, disappointment in himself.

"Would it make you feel better to know that if I'd ever gotten caught, I'd have been kicked out multiple times over?" she asked, an attempt to assuage his remorse.

"Katherine Beckett," Castle exclaimed, raising his eyebrow in that sexy way that only he could manage, all seriousness fading from the conversation. "I knew you had a wild phase, but I didn't think you were that crazy."

She smiled mischievously. "I have a feeling our teenaged selves would have gotten along a little too well."

"Oh yeah? Care to share any stories that might prove that?"

"Such as?"

He fixed her with a hopeful expression, eyes sparkling with mirth. "Craziest thing you ever got away with."

Oh, she had so many stories for that, and there was no way she could narrow it down to just one. Then again, this was Richard Castle, and he surely had at least two stories to match every one of hers.

Well, now this could be fun.

Kate propped herself up on one elbow, grinned provocatively. "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours."

As it happened, they ended up sharing a lot more than stories over the next couple of hours.

In fact, in her current state, Kate was unable to remember half of what was said, not when her head was spinning and her mind was completely imbued with Castle and his scent and his touch and his voice and the way it felt when he surrounded her completely.

The journal was still somewhere on the bed, probably buried in the pillows, long forgotten. Only when Kate regained enough body awareness to curl up to Castle did she locate the book. She shifted, lifted up on one elbow to retrieve it, rolled away from him intending to place it on the nightstand. Instead, he caught her around the waist, pulled her back.

"Leave it out," he mumbled, voice still heavy with recently quenched arousal. In fact, given the sluggish way he blinked his eyes when Kate turned to face him, she was surprised he managed to catch her so quickly.

"Hmmm?" she questioned lazily, reflexes still slowed.

"Leave it out. I wanna read more."

"What if I don't want to?" she teased. It was Sunday morning and she had nowhere to be and she wanted nothing more than to spend all day cuddled up in bed with him. But the part of her that loved to watch him fumble his words couldn't help but give him a hard time.

"I... well..." he blundered, just as she expected. "I mean, if you don't want to..."

Kate silenced him with a kiss, smiling against him, and he nipped playfully at her bottom lip once he caught on to her ploy.

"Evil, evil woman."

Kate just smirked. Castle grinned back, pulled her in for another kiss before settling down next to her and placing the journal in front of them, opening to the next letter.

Kate,

You're probably at home laughing at me right now for being played. For believing Scarlett through the whole case even though everything she said was a lie. It's embarrassing I was so gullible.

And if you're not laughing about that, you're probably getting a kick out of the fact that I was freaking out about Alexis's 'secret.' Because I know now it wasn't a big thing, just like you said. But it could have been. Someday if you have kids, you'll understand why I was in a bit of a panic.

Regardless, I want to thank you for the advice you gave her, and also for taking the time to do so. You're a good role model for her, and I like that she can come to you for advice. She's never really had a person like that. I mean, my mother is... well, you've met her. Not to mention the fact that she's not exactly close enough to Alexis's age to give her helpful advice (please don't tell her I just called her old). And Meredith has never been one to give advice worth listening to. I'm sure that surprises you.

So that's where you come in. Because you listen and you're smart and sensible. And I trust you, because from what I know of you, you're not the type to sugarcoat things. You're honest and to the point, and you think things through, and I know no matter what you tell her, it's probably better than whatever I would say.

What I'm trying to say is I couldn't think of a better person for Alexis to confide in.

So thank you, for being there for her.

-Castle

"It's still strange."

"What is?"

"Having a boyfriend with a twenty year old daughter. I mean, I'm logistically barely old enough to be her mother, and I certainly don't feel like one." Kate chuckled. "I guess it's good that I've never needed to act like one. But still. It's strange."

Castle sighed contemplatively. "You know, as much as I like the thought of Alexis having someone like you for a mother, I like how things are now."

Kate cocked her head. "How so?"

"Because you're a cop and she sees you as an authority figure, but you're also a friend to her. A mature friend she can count on and trust. You won't steal her boyfriend or cause drama or..."

"You'd think I'd steal my partner's daughter's boyfriend?" she interrupted with a laugh.

He snorted at the ridiculousness of the thought but sobered again quickly. "My point is that she trusts you and confides in you. I admit, I wish it was me she was talking to, but if there's someone else who's going to know her secrets instead, I'm glad it's you."

"I never thought about it that way. I just..." Kate trailed off. "I did what I could and hoped it would turn out okay."

"You did more than that. You did more than anyone else would've."

Castle kissed her then, set the journal aside and wrapped her in his arms before she had a chance to deny it, to claim she'd done no more than what the average person would. Because the fact was, she regularly went so far above and beyond with Alexis, just like she did in all aspects of her life. And Castle wanted to make absolute certain she understood what that extra effort meant to him.

He felt the will to protest leave her as she relaxed into him, pillowed her head on his chest. He dipped his chin, spoke softly, his lips brushing lightly against her scalp.

"You're amazing, Kate."

Thoughts? Anything you'd like to see for the next few letters?