A/N: A little break from the gore to play in the past. A shout out to Muffinhead here for the great suggestion of the this fun love scene between our former man whore and his leading lady.

Thirteen: My Own Best Enemy

Washington, D.C.– 2005

The Office of Leon S. Kennedy - USSTRATCOM

Lord in heaven high on crack, he was tired of paperwork.

It was endless cluster fuck of stupid and lame. It was days and days and days of post Harvardville memos and files and reports and suggestions sent in triplicate to twelve different damn offices and administrations. Blah blah blah bliggity bloop and blah.

Leon wanted to wipe his ass with all the files on his desk.

But he didn't think you could process a report if there was shit all over it, so instead he drew a picture of boobs on the chest Derek Simmons instead and made a rather crude cartoon of him getting cornholed by the very dead Curtis Miller.

In a squeaky mocking voice, Leon pretended to be the National Security Advisor, "Ohhhh Curtis. Me love you long time. Fill me with your man hammer."

Behind him, the old record player that he refused to throw out for an iPod was happily throwing out his song of the moment: Dion's The Wanderer. It was his anthem, really, and made it clear why he was both amusing, built like a brick shit house, clearly the coolest dude around, and not willing to go "diving" with Angela Miller again any time soon.

One grope in the water was enough. Let her sweat under her fabulous tits and dream of him. It was all she was getting.

Oh well, I'm the type of guy who will never settle down
Where pretty girls are, well you know that I'm around
I kiss 'em and I love 'em cause to me they're all the same
I hug 'em and I squeeze 'em they don't even know my name

They call me the wanderer
Yeah, the wanderer
I roam around, around, around

He tapped his foot on his desk and drew a picture of a penis like a unicorn horn on Simmon's head. Under his breath, he chuckled, "Your tax dollars, hard at work."

And then he joined in on the next verse of his anthem.

Oh well, there's Flo on my left and then there's Mary on my right
And Janie is the girl well that I'll be with tonight
And when she asks me, which one I love the best?
I tear open my shirt and I show "Rosie" on my chest

The door of his office opened, rather unceremoniously, the record player lodged and started skipping. And the room was filled with the repeated lyrics: I roam around, around, around, around, around, around...and a basket of KFC appeared in the opening of the door.

Brows lifted, Leon watched the face that followed it with a grin.

He smacked the record player and the song seized off.

And Claire Redfield poked into his office.

"You look busy, am I interrupting?"

He coughed, covered his picture, and tossed his boots on the ground. "Nope. Nothing I can't catch up on."

"Good...nice song choice by the way." She set the basket of chicken on the desk and leaned her hip on the mahogany, "You know they call you King Henry around my office right?"

Brows arched, Leon rolled his chair over to peek in the basket of chicken, "Why exactly?"

"You blow hot, you blow cold - you go from chic to chic and cut off the heads of those who get too close."

Amused, he glanced up at her. She was in some kind of ugly blue suit. It had a tie on the bottom. And the skirt was high enough on her hips he could almost glimpse her thong in the back when she leaned over.

Mouth dry, Leon mused, "Hmm. I'm the wanderer. Not a secret. You come here to help me see the error of my ways?"

Claire studied him, lips pursed. "Nope. Pretty sure I came here to see what the fuss was all about."

He leaned back in his chair, tapping his boot on the floor. "Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah. Just have one request."

"What's that?"

"No strings ok? I don't need you chasing me around trying to get me to marry you. I don't have time for that shit."

His face split in a grin. She smiled back, coyly.

"Deal. Dinner tonight?"

Claire glanced at the chicken and back at his face. "What do you think this is?"

Curious, Leon lifted a brow, "It's two in the afternoon. A little early for dinner."

"Maybe. But I don't plan on leaving this office again until breakfast. So, I figure you'll need your protein."

Leon leaned back in his chair, uncrossing his legs. He rubbed his chin a little, considering. "That so?"

"Hmm. Yep. A thing you should know about me?" She shifted. He settled back and she slid over his lap, straddling him, "I'm really, really, really good in bed."

His eyes twinkled. His hands shifted and jerked up that skirt. The thong? RED.

She was a killer. He was happy to die at her hands, seriously.

He rolled her over his lap, pleasing them both. Her face flushed, exciting him. His voice was breathy and hoarse, delighting her, "Funny thing about that...so am I."

"Hmm." She dropped her mouth, gripped his ears, and pulled his head back to lick his mouth, "Prove it."

Admittedly, it could have gone more romantic. Instead?

He threw her over his files, the picture of Simmons fluttered off onto the floor like a pervy peeing tom to watch them, and he barely got unzipped. The panties ended up ripped off her body while she grunted like an animal.

The skirt turned into a belt, his holster ended up dangling around his waist as she grabbed at his chest to pull up his shirt and bite him like some kind of beast, and he hammered into her so hard it rocked the desk on the floor like thunder.

His phone beeped and his secretary came on, "Mr. Kennedy? Are you alright in there, sir?"

He was balls deep in Claire Redfield and riding her like a jockey headed for the win. She slapped his face and jerked him down to stick her tongue in his mouth. Her suit was missing buttons and the top beneath pulled down so he could palm her breasts like a horny teenager.

His hand flicked over her humping groin where they were smashing together and she went. She went while his secretary was buzzing him.

He watched her face turned tomato red, she tightened around him like a fist, and he threw his hand over her mouth while she came- shouting and bucking and flopping like she'd been hit by electricty.

And Leon had rasped, "I'm great! I'm good. Thanks. Good. Shit. I'm good."

The secretary sounded less amused as she informed him, "Sir, need I remind you that you are on duty?"

Claire jerked him down, she fed him her tongue and he sucked it hard, fucking her audibly. It sounded like a slapping flesh and sucking. It was filthy, on the tax payer's dime, no lie there.

She grabbed his throat to hold on while she bucked, he grunted and lost his mind, and he came in her - unexpectedly and excitedly and to her mass pleasure. Claire grabbed his hips to grind him in her body and he grunted, hoarsely, "...yeah. Shit. Story of my life."

It was, officially, the best day of his life as well.

Dulvey, Louisiana – 2017

The Baker Plantation – Luca's Playroom – 2332 (11:32 pm)

She held onto the memory of it while Lucas touched her. He set her up in his "studio". He turned on the lights to shine on her. He stripped her to her panties and her tank top.

He vibrated with rage as he moved.

"I'm gonna enjoy this, Claire. Oh, god, I am. I wasn't gonna touch you before, ya know. I wasn't. Eveline don't let me touch you. Not usually. But I'm gonna do it. Why? Why? Your stupid husband is the biggest mother fucking asshole on Earth. He thinks I'm all talk."

He grabbed her face and jerked it up. He kissed her and his breath was fetid and rank. His skin oily. His eyes insane.

Claire bit his mouth so hard she took his lip with it when he jerked his head back, shrieking. Blood sprayed all over her front but it was ok. It was worth it. He let her go.

He back handed her and it threw her from the chair to the floor. She crawled and he Lucas kicked her in the ass so she fell on her face. He ground his boot into her butt until she scrambled in pain, trying to roll over.

"BITCH!"

Claire laughed into the dirty floor, giving him the finger over her shoulder. He grabbed her finger and snapped it. The bone gave with a wet POP. Claire gasped but didn't scream. This was ok. He could break her bones.

As long as he didn't kiss her again.

She kicked him in the groin from the ground with a warrior's cry."GAWD DAMNIT!"

He snapped her ankle in his hands with an audible wet give. Claire gasped and bowed in pain, jerking like a landed fish.

Lucas grabbed her panties and jerked. She went up and the threw her over the table beside them on her belly. Bottles of beer scattered and the balloons hanging off the disgusting clown that waited in his chair bobbled with the assault.

Lucas kicked her feet apart like he'd frisk her and pushed her down on her face.

"I'll show you who's all talk!" He grabbed at her panties and jerked them down to her knees, Claire shouted in rage, and the room shimmered.

Eveline stood in the corner, watching them beneath the waterfall of her oily black hair.

Lucas froze, breathing hard, "...I wasn't doin nuthin! I swear to gawd!"

He was thrown off Claire so fast she HEARD all the bones in him crunch and pop. He went through the far wall and brought it crumbling around him a spill of sheet rock and plaster. He squealed like a pig and struggled but it was fruitless. He was fighting the fountain head. He didn't stand a chance.

Eveline whispered, sharply, "You don't touch my mommy...PIG!"

The crunching and popping was awful. Lucas screamed high and frightened. His bones twisted and rolled. His arms were ripped from his sockets in a gush of blood and muscle. His legs dislocated and wrapped around his own torso obscenely. Eveline turned him into a human pretzel while he shrieked in rage and pain.

Claire pulled up her pants, scrambling to the far wall. She huddled, watching the horror of Lucas torture...and secretly loving it.

Eveline destroyed him. She left him swimming in his own blood and screaming.

She knelt in front of Claire and touched her face. But the form was ghostly. It shimmered and felt cold.

"Mommy...protect yourself from him. We'll be together soon."

She flickered away and Claire rolled to her feet. She backed up, listening to the shrieking of the deformed Lucas as he tried to untangle himself and got a mouthful of his own ass that Eveline had shoved in his face for it.

Claire couldn't stop the feeling of triumph that spilled into her.

And the smile that curled over mouth was entirely Eveline.

He'd get free soon enough. She knew it.

And she'd never get out of his playground alone.

But she'd be DAMNED if she sat here and waited for him to get his hands on her again.

She escaped deeper into his playground, ready to pull a Zoe and keep on hiding.

The Baker Plantation – Old House – 2336(11:36 pm)

With the lantern in place, they could finally begin to search the second floor. It was pitch dark and smelled so badly of mold that it was cloying. It stuck in the mouth and left the lungs feeling wet and ruined.

They searched through the darkness, following the suggestions of a tiny drawing they'd found lying in a filthy bedroom.

Cabinets filled with ruined baby dolls, half melted, half missing pieces. Boxes of toys turned red with blood and black with mold. A doll house with drawings by a child desperate for love - and meant to destroy. Her family tortured. Her family - mutated.

A rocking chair with a bear with its mouth sewn shut, covered in mold...somehow rocking.

Chris whistled and drew Leon's attention. He turned and the world shimmered.

Eveline's voice filled his ears, soft and earnest, "Stay away."

Leon didn't just hear her.

He FELT her in his head.

He staggered on his feet and Zoe grabbed his arms. They locked eyes in the darkness.

She whispered, "Keep it together. Please."

Chris was ducking through a narrow doorway beyond the filthy broken bed in the center of the room.

Voodoo dolls hung suspended from the ceiling like a gallows of grotesque fun. The ruined baby dolls were in piles around your feet as you walked. Chris cursed under his breath as he saw what waited.

A girl - long dead - suspended in a parody of life like she'd been reaching for help. She was decaying, covered in pus and mold and rot. And a label on her arm told them she was what they needed: The D-Series.

Chris gripped her wrist and pulled. The arm squelched and made a sucking sound. It came free in his hand with the stench of rotting meat.

He gagged a little and backed off, shaking.

In the bedroom, a giggle started.

It filled up the whole room until it echoed. Zoe covered her ears. Leon swayed where he stood.

Chris emerged with the arm from the little cubby.

"Got it! You got the head Zoe?"

"Yeah. In my trailer...Chris...do you hear that?"

He tilted his head, listening. But all was quiet.

"No. Should I?"

Eveline darted across the floor, shimmering in and out, she giggled and disappeared. Leon whispered, "Fuck. Am I still high?"

Zoe shook her head, answering him, "No. You're turning. We need to hurry."

They moved back through the darkness. Eveline's laughter chased them around. She spoke again, in Leon's head, "Mommy is in trouble. Hurry. Mommy needs you."

And he said, "Lucas has Claire."

Chris stopped, vibrating in the dark. "What did you say?"

Leon repeated it, low and angry, "That mother fucker has my wife."

Zoe touched Chris' arm and laid her other on Leon's wrist, "No. Don't. Don't. If you let the rage get you, it makes it easier for her to get in. It's what she wants. We'll get Claire back. But we need to make the serum. We can cure it now. Please. Don't lose sight of what matters here. We can't save anyone if we all turn."

They moved out into the heat again, heading for the trailer.

Zoe opened the door to move inside and one of the molded was there waiting.

She shrieked and it hit her. It hit her in the face so hard she was thrown up and out like she was nothing. Chris shot it as it raced down the stairs, Zoe hit the line of trees and was lost as she fell, and Leon spun a kick at the thing on the ground that ran at him.

It looked like a spider or something. Half licker, half mold man, half spider. Three halves, somehow that ratio was possible, and it was faster than shit. It took him down as it landed on him, trying to stab him to death and eat his face.

He humped his hips, it went up, and Chris hip kicked it to send it flying. He shot it in mid-air while it flew. It hit the wall of the trailer and went down - motionless.

The mold man took a swipe for Chris' head, Leon jerked him by the vest and threw him over his head, and he shot the mold man in the face from the ground. As he went, Chris tucked into a roll and came up firing.

The mold man went to his back, missing limbs, twitched and went still.

Chris shouted, "Zoe!?"

The night was silent around them. He moved toward the treeline where they'd lost her.

And Claire's little iPod in Leon's pocket tinkled. He pulled it free.

Lucas' face was there, grinning, "Spy boy! You and soldier numb nuts over there just done fucked yourself stupid. Guess what? I got yer woman and my sister now. Some fucking heroes you are! Outsmarted and defeated. I'm gonna fuck yer wife. I'm gonna fuck my sister all up. And then I'm gonna kick both yer stupid asses without lifting a finger."

Leon laughed, teeth gnashing, "You lay a finger on her, on either of them, I'll rip your head off, shove it up your ass, and fuck you to death with it."

Lucas chortled, giddy, "You stupid as you are ugly, spy boy. I got what you want here. I got yer wife. I got your HEAD. That's right. I stole it fair and square. You want it? Better come on by and get it. Just so you know, I got a little game in place for ya. Both of ya. Oh and in case you think I'm lyin?"

He shifted his hand off camera, making a happy grin.

And Claire's voice spilled out of nowhere, "NO! OH GOD! NO! LEON HELP! HELP ME!"

Lucas grinned, wide and happy. "I'm gonna fuck her while she screams. Want me to wait for you? You wanna see the show?"

The camera turned and showed Zoe, bond to a chair. She was bloody and shaking. Lucas had cut her all up with a knife.

"That's the first part of the show. Me killing my sister alot. Like an appetizer. And then when ya'll get here? The game, the struggle, the FINALE! Maybe I'll nut up in your shit, spy boy, and knock your wife up. Whatcha think?"

Chris' voice filled the silence, low and growling, "You touch either of them again, they're not gonna be able to scrape up what's left of you with a spoon."

Lucas grinned, dancing with his camera, "Ooooo. I like it. I LIKE IT. Brave. And stupid. Come on then! Come on IN! Let's see how fucking smart you are...for a dumb ass with more muscles than brains. And a fucking girly haired idiot without a dick. Bring it! Brains over braun assholes. Come on in."

The image clicked off.

Chris licked his teeth, rolling his neck.

Leon was half smirking and shaking his head.

"This dumb asshat. You ever met anyone so fucking stupid? Who the hell does he think he's dealing with?"

Chris laughed, glancing around the soggy grove where they found themselves. The only possible option was the far door built into the weird metal structure they'd left unexplored.

"Some average idiot in the middle of nowhere, clearly."
Leon chuckled, pocketing the iPod. "What fun would that be?"

"Right? Running through the bayou in bad loafers. Sounds like dumb ass video game."

"Yeah. A bad one. Who would play that shit? Mortal Kombat man. THAT'S a video game."

Chris snorted, rolling his eyes. "Call of Duty, dumb ass. Mortal Kombat's for dweebs and kindergartners."

"Pfft. All you need is Mortal Kombat and Mario Kart man. Endless fun for days. Save for whacking off, I haven't had more fun in my life than stomping your ass into the dirt on Rainbow Road."

Chris laughed high and loud. "You must be joking. If your fucking is anything like your driving Kennedy, it's a wonder my sister hasn't kicked your ass to the curb yet. I've never seen a bigger mess behind the wheel."

Leon gave him the finger and got one in return.

They reached the door and waited. A trap, clearly, but what choice was there here?

Leon mused, softly, "Tell me this ends with my wife alive."

Joking aside, Chris patted his shoulder in a brotherly show of support, "We don't leave here without her. And she's leaving here Claire, not their goddamn puppet. I'll rip this place apart brick by brick before I let them have her."

Leon nodded, face stony. "Zoe too. I won't leave her. She's saved my life too often. She goes with us."

Chris felt something shift in his chest. He answered, gruffly, "Oh, yeah. They're done with her. She's ours now. And they won't touch her again."

"Agreed. Ready?"

"Show time."

"Human Tank this shit, dude. Do it."

And Chris Redfield lifted his foot and kicked in the door to Lucas' playground.