AN-Hmm…this chapter is rather a complicated one for me. I thought it would be the easiest to write so far…but it was difficult…Zero's reaction was INCREDIBLY difficult…you'll see what I mean…but I want to apologize in advance if it seems a bit much…I think I'll have either nailed it or completely missed the mark. Really there were actually SO many ways I could've made Zero react…so I hope this doesn't disappoint anyone…I'm actually really nervous about posting this… I think this chapter exposes all my flaws and strengths as a writer…very complicated…so how WILL Zero react? Will he warm to Yuki or reject her?...
My heart fluttered violently in my chest as if it were a bird being freed from a cage. My palms felt clammy and my head felt light. Typical symptoms of someone in love. Those words seemed to cut through Zero like a knife, because suddenly his blank, unreadable expression twisted into a mask of pain. As always this display of emotion lasted mere seconds if that long before returning to his 'default' expression…only it didn't return to his normal expression. He was clearly shocked, too shocked to even reply. He leaned back against the door, purposely allowing it to shut. Still, other than that he didn't move at all, he stood awestruck, his eyes wide and his body somewhat tense.
"I-I'm sorry I never realised it sooner…but for months now I-I can't stop thinking about you…your image fills my head…and even when I sleep you're constantly part of my dreams…" I explained as if this would make whatever pain he was feeling subside. No, I was digging the blade deeper into the wound…the wound that had been made a year ago on my departure…and had now been reopened by those cruel words, I love you. Even now I could only hurt him, and the temptation to flee from the scene was immense. Still, I held firm, I'd started something now, and I had to see it through.
"…I know we're meant to be enemies but…I know if we took a risk…we could change it all, we could start something…beautiful." I stuttered, perhaps trying to reassure myself more than him…The look of shock had dissipated from his face, and the look of sorrow had returned to take its place. He had his back against the door, and now hung his head, unable to even face me. My fingers twitched at my chest, it stung my heart to see him so filled with anguish…but it told me that he still felt something, or else why would it hurt so much?
"Please, look at me I….I know this is hurting you, it's hurting me but…" I stuttered, the desperation clung to my voice as I was clinging to him. He shook his head, his hands curled into fists.
"Yuki, no. We can never be together." He said hoarsely. My hands fell to my sides. Deep down I'd known he'd say something like that…he would remain faithful to his position as a vampire hunter…why should he change simply to appease me? Still, I stared pleadingly up at him, my eyes stinging with tears. I couldn't hold myself back any longer. I sprinted towards him, flinging my arms around his neck and sobbing into his chest…I was ashamed of myself, acting like such a spoilt child in front of him…but he was so close, I was holding in my arms, I didn't want to ever let him escape again! His hands rested on my head, and I felt his thumb rubbing my head soothingly. I allowed myself to move closer, inhaling his aroma, it was so nostalgic.
"NO!" He suddenly declared, pushing me away from him at such a force stumbled and almost fell back. His eyes were filled with fury…I let out a loud sob, unable to restrain the tears that felt as if they would drown me. He raised a hand to his face, almost as if he was hiding behind his fingers.
"P-please…PLEASE! I…I can't bear to spend another moment away from you!" I begged, unable to reason with him anymore. He took a deep breath, and visibly calmed as a result of it…unlike me. I wept shamelessly into my hands, overwhelmed by the barrage of emotions that had been released over the course of the night. I expected him to stare down at me with a look of revulsion, but the Zero that stared at me now was the Zero I had known when I'd still been human. Pity lingered in his eyes as he watched me fall apart before him.
"What about Kaname Kuran?" He asked simply. I grimaced. I hadn't even considered Kaname…my beloved Kaname but…Kaname wasn't the one taking over me…Kaname wasn't the one torturing me night and day…right now, as much as I loved Kaname I just couldn't ignore the heavy feeling that was welling up inside my heart. Not even I could completely comprehend why I was crying so feverishly. I felt right now the only thing that could ever make me feel happy again was Zero. I wanted Zero's arms to embrace me tightly, and I never wanted him to let go.
"Z-Zero…please…my feelings for you…they're not fake. I feel as if…if you deny me tonight…than I would rather face one of the bullets from your bloody rose gun than live in despair any longer." I blathered through the constant flow of my tears. He raised a hand, as if was going to comfort me…but quickly dropped it again….and then I realised the pained expression on his face...was caused because he was torn. Torn between his feelings for the new and old Yuki, torn between his duty as a vampire hunter and his moral obligations to me.
"…You seemed content by his side. I don't see why you'd want me." He said coolly, contradicting the pained expression that was still etched across his face. I hung my head. I supposed I'd never really known what I'd do if I did get the chance to tell Zero…did that mean I was betraying Kaname? Did it mean I should leave him for Zero….or did it just mean that I was unburdening myself…but wounding Zero further. I clutched my head tightly in my hands, unable to think properly. My head was pounding from the overwhelming despair within me.
"I think I'll lose my mind if we're separated any longer…." I said quietly. Still, it echoed through the large room as if I had shouted it. I realised how spoilt that had sounded. Why was I only capable of hurting them more? Whichever way I looked at it one of them would get hurt. I hated myself for doing this, why had I ever told him? Why hadn't I just admired him from afar and kept it to myself? Had I expected him to smile at me and tell me how glad he was to hear I returned his feelings? How unrealistic of me.
"…I have no feelings for you anymore Yuki. We're enemies." He replied. Actually, it was more of a statement than a reply…I looked up at him, shocked. I blinked at him as if he had spoken a foreign language…could he be serious? My heart constricted. Was I really wasting my time? No…why would he look so hurt if that was true? I shook my head, unable to believe it could be true. He'd reacted too much to make me believe this could possibly be true.
"You kissed me once…and on that night you also vowed you'd kill me…if what you said was true…I'd be dead now. You wouldn't be here…you'd have left the first time I told you to wait…you would've laughed and left when I said that…that I love you." I replied, my voice suddenly steadier than it had been before. Funny how I'd said that with more conviction than anything else that I'd uttered tonight. He suddenly smirked, flipping a few strands of silver hair away from his lilac eyes. So I was correct. His attitude had suddenly changed. His hands rested lazily in his pockets, and his expression was one of amusement. I suddenly felt self-conscious as his gaze travelled the length of my body. I shivered at the look he gave me. He suddenly seemed so calm…and I couldn't help but feel suspicious.
"…You really want me? A common vampire like me? Not even that, level D, a former human…you want these hands to taint your perfect pureblood body?" He asked in an amused tone, lifting his hands in front of his face as if to show me the 'filth' on his hands. I blushed at the way he stared at me, making me feel uncomfortable. He was mocking me. He didn't believe my love for him was real…so therefore he was mocking me. I glared at him, feeling stung that he could possibly think I'd toy with him like that. I knew his feelings for me were pure…why couldn't he believe I could feel something for him?
"I don't care what you are. To me you're Zero…my dear Zero, the boy who's done a lot for…the man I'd give my life for." I replied determinedly. I cocked raised an eyebrow, suddenly seeming serious. I watched in disbelief as his expression became deadly serious. I was amazed at the speed with which his emotions were changing…was he really feeling all of these emotions? Or was he just playing with me? Still, it seemed I had finally gotten through to him, and now he stood up straight and took a step towards me but paused.
"Okay then. If you're sure that's what you want then I'll give it to you. I'll be your lover." He replied casually. His expression still calm and serene, but also earnest and serious. I was a little taken aback. Zero had never been one to show his feelings…and now I was being bombarded by all of them at once. My heart skipped a beat on the word lover. For a moment Kaname flashed through my mind, but I couldn't deny the longing I felt at that moment. I met his gaze once more, nodding resolutely. Yes I wanted him. My mind and body alike had been yearning for a year, so why should I change my mind now? He smiled warmly at me, a smile that made my heart melt. The first smile he'd given me in the longest time.
"Well. If you're certain." He said with a smirk, and before I could open my mouth to reply I was in his arms. He'd moved so swiftly I hadn't been able to react in time. He wrapped one arm tightly around my waist. Closing the gap between our bodies. My heart pounded in my chest at his forwardness. With his free hand he took hold of my chin, our faces were millimetres apart. I shivered as I felt his warm breath against my lips. He was gazing intently into my eyes, seeming to relish in my anxiousness. I hadn't expected this…in the time I'd know Zero…he'd only shown me real affection a handful of times…and he'd only kissed me once…but now….perhaps after a year apart he was yearning for me as much as I was for him. Still…the way he was staring at me. I tried to turn away but his hand kept my face still. He moved in a little closer, his lips hovering just above mine. My face was burning, and I could see the enjoyment he was gaining from teasing me clearly in his eyes.
"Yuki…" He whispered, sending a shiver down the length of my spine. My body trembled in his grip, and he finally released us both from the suspense, gently brushing his lips over mine. The 'kiss' was brief, and instead of satisfying whatever urge was growing within me only increased it. I made a small sound but it was lost to the both of us as he pressed his lips firmly against mine, causing another sound to erupt from my lips. I shut my eyes tightly, willing nobody to come in an interrupt us. His lips moved fervently against mine, and I wasn't quite sure how to react.
"Zero…" I whispered against his passionate kiss. My voice trembled with fear and lust. He ignored me, not releasing me just yet. I shut my eyes again, but snapped them open as I felt his weight pushing against my body, what was he doing? I clung tightly to the arm of his shirt that was wrapped firmly around my waist as he forced me to move backwards. His eyes were open even as he kissed me, and I gasped as we fell back, down on to the red couch that was part of the common room. The hand he had been using to hold my face still moved to support the back of my head, using the other arm to hoist my body into position. He'd positioned me against the armrest of the couch so he wouldn't need to support my head any longer, freeing his hand to move to stroke my cheek.
"W-what are y-" I began to ask, but was cut off as he slipped his tongue into my open mouth. My body tensed as he deepened his kiss. My heart raced, and my mind span. I wasn't used to this, I had no idea how to react to this…Kaname had never kissed me like this before…while my naïve mind grappled with what I should do, my hungering body reacted to him, and I was a little taken aback as I felt my tongue wrestling against his in a passionate embrace. He stared seductively down at me, causing a small moan to erupt from my mouth as he released me, coming up for air.
I panted heavily as he stared down at me; perhaps debating how far he could take things…My mind was still in a haze, not able to quite comprehend what was happening between the two of us. Still, it didn't have the chance to catch up, because within moments he was on me again, kissing me ardently, running a hand through my hair tangling the carefully brushed strands. His free hand began to tear at my dress as if it were an inconvenience. I didn't like the feel of his impassioned hands against my body. I wrapped my arms around his neck, partly in an embrace, and partly to deter him from taking things further. I felt his hand against the bear skin of my leg and began to tremble. I was frightened. This was too much too quickly. I struggled against him, suddenly afraid of what might take place if I didn't stop him now. My mind had registered the situation and decided it was dangerous to allow him any further. He quickly released me. Carefully brushing my dress off and wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket. I flinched as he leaned in close, lovingly moving my hair away from my ear.
"Be more careful next time princess…it's clear to me that what you want is not me. You're lonely….and what you need is his affection, not mine." He whispered harshly in my ear. Still, my body continue to quake even as he stood up. I was surprised as he offered me his hand. I took it a little shyly; ashamed of what had just taken place…what had just taken place? He released my hand and moved towards the door, his expression as cold and unyielding as it hand been earlier.
"Zero wait!...I-I'm sorry…my feelings for you are real! Please don't think otherwise…I just…wasn't expecting that…" My voice was hoarse, and my tone was needy. My hand hovered at my lips, brushing away any smudged lipstick. He turned to stare sadly at me, sighing and striding back towards me. He ran a hand through my hair, grooming it back into a presentable state. I allowed him to groom me, straitening the bow on the front of my dress and running his thumb over my lips to straighten out any smudges. I watched heavy hearted as his fingers hovered over my lips. Something within Zero was stirring…I could see it in his lilac eyes. We both jumped as we heard rapping at the door. Aido was here to collect me.
"You look fine. No one will know..." He said simply, his tone cool but not icy. I nodded; my lower lip trembling slightly at the prospect of having to part once more…I moved towards the door but paused, staring up at Zero's lonely form.
"…My feelings for you haven't changed….I hate myself for that. So let's not do this anymore…let's be frank. What happened tonight was forbidden. We're enemies…and while there is a small chunk of me that feels for you…it doesn't deplete the part of me that wants to kill you….let's forget what happened tonight and move on. The next time I see you…it really will be to finish you off." Zero declared, the edge had returned to his voice, and the fiery glare had come with it. I felt tears spilling again, but this time he didn't flinch. He stood his ground grilling me with that dispassionate gaze. So this was it…I'd had a taste of treason…and had it whipped away the same night. I hung my head, knowing that cheating on my fiancé was wrong…but knowing that to ignore my feelings for Zero was equally wrong. Still, what more could I say? He strode over to the door, opening it for Aido who stood impatiently tapping his foot. So. Zero had made up his mind.
"Yuki? What's wrong? Did Kiryu say something hurtful to you?" Aido demanded running towards me and taking hold of my shoulders. I shook my head. I couldn't speak. I couldn't act…I just cried. I glanced at Zero once more before departing. His expression was cold and unyielding.
"Kiryu what did you say to her?" Aido demanded, wrapping an arm around my shoulder as heavy sobs erupted from my body. I just wanted to go home now. I couldn't believe how foolish I'd been…actually thinking Zero would still want me…
"Nothing. I don't have time for this. I have things to take care of." He said icily, leaving the room at last and striding down the hall as if nothing had happened. I couldn't disguise or stop the tears that streamed freely now, and even as Aido ushered me to the car that was waiting outside, I couldn't ignore the feeling of…heartbreak.