Chapter Fourteen – If you just realize what I just realized

Realize
- Colbie Caillat

Rorie

"What?" was the only word I could come up with and that was only after Gwen had gone and in our room and I had replayed her words in my head almost a hundred times. I had asked no one at first but I finally turned to Zachary who had been sitting at our mismatched table when I had arrived, he was now only a few feet away from me, "What?"

"I'm sorry Rorie." he said, tears in his voice as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I clung to him tightly, gripping his shoulders for support. My knees were so weak that I could feel them shift beneath me.

"Mom's dead?" I asked him, tears starting to stream down my face as I breathed in deep through my nose.

"Gwen had made her some coffee, but when she brought it into her-" Zachary started to explain but I pushed myself away from him. They were lying, it couldn't be true. I ran across the room toward Mom's door, which had been closed. I paused for a moment before ripping open the door. "Rorie." Zachary tried to stop me as he started towards my mom's room as well but I was inside before he reached my side.

"Mom?" I asked, looking around frantically when she wasn't in her bed, "Mom?" I tried again but knew she wasn't going to answer. "Oh my God." I fell to the ground at the end of her now empty bed and screamed. There was no words. "No."

"Rorie, I tried to call but-" I got to my feet, not intentionally ignoring Zachary's words as I hugged him tightly.

"She's gone. They took her away already? How, when?" We both knew I had no desire to know the answers to my questions so Zachary didn't respond. I led him over to the room Gwen and I shared as I continued to hug him, I couldn't make myself let go.

Zachary knocked on the door for me but Gwen didn't answer, I tried to open the door then but it was locked. "Gwen?" she didn't answer, "Gwenie? I'm so sorry, I should have-" All I wanted was to hug my sister but instead she dismissed my attempt to reach out by throwing something heavy at the door. "I should have been here." I whispered into Zachary's shoulder as he waddled us over to the couch.

There were mixed tear stains on Zachary's shirt, and I couldn't tell which belonged to me and which undoubtedly belonged to Gwen. At least he had been here, at least she hadn't been alone. But mom had. All I could think was that she had probably gone while we had all been out on the steps. Because of my antics she had died alone, even if it had been in her sleep she shouldn't have been alone. "She's gone."

"Ya hun." Zachary stroked my hair as I continued to cry.

Our house was silent except for the sound of tears. It was haunting. Zachary never left my side except for the brief moments when he got me a glass of water and a blanket. I had been shaking uncontrollably since we had sat down. I hadn't thought that I would be able to fall asleep and I really didn't think that I did, it was more of a trance.

I remember Zachary resting my head on a couch cushion probably almost 2 hours after we had sat down—it was probably almost midnight by then. After that I think I had just stared at Mom's still door for a few hours. Not blinking, not noticing time pass but for the occasional noise from throughout the house. Zachary had gone to sit at the table again so most of the noise was his movement in his chair and eventually him falling asleep with his head on the table top.

I couldn't figure out how long ago that was but I eventually had become too restless to lay there anymore. As silently as possible I got up from the couch, wrapped the blanket around Zachary's shoulders, pulled on the closest jacket I could find and tugged on my shoes. It was almost 3:30 in the morning.

Slinking out the door I could see the tire tracks I had left on the lawn earlier that day just barely visible in the dull lamp light as I walked around Zachary's car to the end of our driveway. I didn't know where I was planning on going but as long as I was moving it apparently didn't matter to me. At first I walked, then eventually jogged, and then ran. I didn't know where I was going but I could feel the cold night air seep through the over sized jacket and knew that I was leaving fading foot prints in the bits of slush that still existed at the sides of the road as my shoes had soaked through long ago.

I should have turned back but didn't. I just needed to be away.

Sticking my hands in Zachary's jacket pocket I realized that his phone was there. At least I would be able to find out what time it was at will, or call people—not that I had anyone to phone since his was with me. Looking at the time, I saw that almost an hour had passed. No doubt either Gwen or Zachary would notice I was missing soon. I didn't really know where I was so it wasn't like I could just find my way home. Not that I wanted to.

I couldn't help but think I wanted to be lost.

Eventually I found a school I recognized, Gwen and I had gone there as children. It was pretty far from our home as we lived on the edge of town, I hadn't recognized the area since we had always taken the bus to school, I had never gotten there the way I had went before.

It was strange to be there. I had so many memories of this place, not all of them good. My father had left us when I had gone to this school and I had not been the best student. I had spent a lot of time in the principal's office that was for sure. Most of the time because I had been defending Gwen from some bully but that was besides the point in their minds at that time.

Going over to the lone tire swing that was tucked on one edge of the play ground I sat tentatively on it. It had always been my favourite recess toy. I spun slowly for a while until I felt something vibrate in the jacket pocket and what I knew to be an instrumental version of one of Jacoby's songs began to play. It must have been Zachary's ring tone.

Sniffling I flipped open the phone and answered it—I had yet to stop crying. "Hello, Zachary's phone."

I had barely gotten that out when I heard his relieved voice on the other end, "Rorie! Where are you?"

"I'm at my old elementary school... On the tire swing."

"Stay right there Rorie, okay? Don't move, I'll be right there to get you." he said frantically, he was worried.

"I'm fine Zachary, you don't have to get me." I coughed a little through my tears.

"No, I'm coming, I'll be right there." His end of the phone hung up and my end was left beeping so I closed the phone and shoved it back in the pocket.

Zachary must have gone home after he called in order to find out where Gwen and I had gone to school because he was there in minutes. How he had phoned was another question in my mind, and it was the first thing I asked as he ran up to me. He was wearing his prosthetic leg again. "Don't do that ever again!" he hugged me tight, pulling me out of the tire swing.

"How did you call me... how did you know where to go?"

"Pay phone, and then I found out the school from Gwen and GPSed it. Come on, we gotta get you out of the cold." he instructed, wrapping his arms around me and leading me back to his car, he wasn't wearing a jacket.

"Here." I tried to take off his jacket and offer it to him but he made me keep it on.

"I'll be fine for the short walk back to the car, it's warm in there, I'll be fine."

"You must think I'm stupid for going off like that." I admitted as he helped me into the car.

He didn't answer until he had got in on his side, "You're right, I do. But I don't care about that right now, you're alright and that all that matters. You're in shock, you're liable to do stupid things." Zachary cranked the heat up in his car to the highest it would go and turned on the seat warmers. I hadn't noticed but my teeth were chattering and I was still shaking.

Zachary didn't start driving until I had warmed up for the most part, instead he rubbed my hands together for a while before taking off his fake leg. "You shouldn't have worn that. You know you hate it, and it's cold out. If you're going to wear one you need to get one that doesn't hurt."

"I'll keep that in mind." he said, tossing it in the back seat and rolling up his pant leg.

"I'm sorry." I apologized, "Is Gwen okay?"

Zachary nodded but stopped, "She's with Bear, she'll be fine for a little while but we're going back now so it doesn't matter. I didn't tell her you ran off but she probably has figured it out by now. I'm gonna bring you home." I cringed as I continued to wipe away my tears.

A sad and angry Gwen at once was not one that I wanted to see at the moment but I didn't really have a choice. Zachary had already started us on the way home.

I touched one of his hands lightly as he switched from reverse to drive causing his hand to falter a bit before taking mine and giving it a little squeeze. "I know."

"I missed you." I muttered as he continued to hold my hand as he drove us back to my house. He only let go long enough to rub the back of my neck for a second and then my hand was in his again.

"I know." was all he said again. He knew I hadn't really been mad at him for a long time, that I had been acting stupidly. That I cared. That I didn't like Adam, that I-.

"I miss her." I said in no more than a whisper, causing him to pull over and kiss the top of my head as I turned in my seat so that I was able to wrap my arms around him as I began to cry even harder into his chest.

"I know."