Disclaimer: Abusive themes and drug use throughout this chapter. If this bothers you, stop right here.
CHAPTER 14: SNAKE CHARMER
You know how it feels when all is right, there are no worries and everything in your life is certain?
Yeah, me neither.
In fact, that's the exact opposite of how I've felt since I walking into my house, shortly after leaving Edward's, one week ago. Before leaving him, I fell apart in his arms as the high came down, the pain set in and the anger took hold. And now, one week later, I'm here alone, still digging through these hidden wounds. Things I had pushed so far down, all continue to resurface, night after night.
Lights and shadows adorn my walls as I lie here in the dark. A few moments pass with no thoughts and then they find me; the memories. They taunt me and make my pulse pick up as the indignation rises to the surface. Where do you go to escape these moments? You can't exactly run out the door and expect them to magically disappear. They're here with me no matter where I turn.
I want to sleep just one night. "Just one night!" I scream at the ceiling. If I could have one night, without waking in pitch black silence, to memories of my parents fighting, memories of Jake wrapping his hands around my throat while spitting out disgusting accusations, flashbacks of last Saturday, Jake's tan skin and lush lashes, to memories of Edward's eyes when I left.
I close my eyes tight, making fists with my hands and I feel slightly hopeless. I just want to get past this, but it's all so much more complex this time.
In the past, I just pushed it down, forgave Jake and we were happy together the next day. Forgiving his harm and forgetting the pain was so much easier when it was bartered for our relationship. But this time, I'm not believing his crying eyes and wordy lies. I'm not forgiving him. This time, I don't have a relationship to barter for forgiveness. This time, I have nothing but rage and anger, and an overwhelming sense of embarrassment. Jake had never put his hands on me in front of anyone.
On top of all the bitterness I feel, confusion swarms me as well. Nothing makes sense to me because in spite of everything, I'm still mourning the loss of our relationship, even though I'm so angry with Jake, I feel the permanent loss this time. There is no going back. It's over.
And then… there is Edward.
I just can't find it in myself to let him see me this way. I feel like I might be crazy. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with me at my worst. I don't want to be a burden or someone that he feels sorry for. I'm embarrassed enough as it is and seeing the pity in his eyes, just makes it worse.
If I can't get past this, it will cost me all that we had. I know it.
Edward will be the one I compare everyone to.
I toss the blanket off of me, turning onto my side to stare at my clock. The display shines 3:45am.
Thinking of all the things that make me feel happy doesn't keep the truth from creeping in. The root of all of the damage done, dangles delicately in my mind.
I watched through tiny, round, five year old eyes, from the fourth step on the staircase, through the half-open bathroom door. I heard her cries; the gutteral sound she made as his knee connected with her stomach. My whole world shook around me even though all was still. I only thought I was confused back then.
Growing up witnessing my parents fighting... my dad putting his hands on my mom, gave me such a distorted view on love. I feel like my father is to blame for wasted years of my life. He's to blame for my useless relationship with Jake. I would have never stayed with him. I would have broken up with him at the first insult, the first harsh grip, had I grown up normal, in a normal family. But I didn't and I stayed with Jake, thinking that's what love was because I didn't know any better. That's how I'd grown up. And now I am here. Blaming myself, blaming Jake and blaming my father.
How else am I supposed to feel when waking to memories of abuse and being abused? Isn't this anger a normal reaction. This rage?
I want to blame someone. I want someone to feel the same things that I feel. It's one thing to go through it and just accept that it happened, because you can't change the past. But going through it again, in retrospect... stirs up anger, resentment and bitter frustration. I sit and soak in the pure animosity. The things that I feel make me scream on the inside. Make me want to come out of my skin. Fury. Toxic rage. Vengeance.
I want revenge. I want the most absolute power of wrath in my hands and like a greek god, I want to send it showering down in blistering bolts upon my father and Jacob. In this moment, that's all that I want.
Besides my life back.
And Edward.
EPOV
Sunday
I text Bella: I can still smell you on my sheets.
Monday
Nothing. I make a peanut butter and honey sandwich for lunch, throw darts at my wall, watch Goodfellas and contemplate drinking a fifth of whiskey.
Tuesday
I text Bella: I miss you pretty girl.
I sit on the couch and drink a beer for breakfast, with my hand down my shorts, while click, click, clicking through the guide to find nothing that interests me except an occasional high brow from Judge Judy. That bitch keeps it real. I browse the Port Angeles Craigslist for stupid shit that I don't need, just to pass the time.
Wednesday
Doubt sets in. Is she back with him? Nah, Emmett would have told me. I make a mental note to talk to him and make sure. He agreed to keep watch over Bella for me since I can't do it myself, without smothering her.
Thursday
Still no response from Bella and I've got hella laundry to do. No more black socks. I can't fucking wear white socks.
Friday
Protein shake for breakfast. I run two miles. Emmett is home when I get back. He assures me that everything's good and he's out the door again. I steal his laundry basket and shovel everything from the dryer into it to carry back up the stairs. I open both windows in my bedroom, grab a bottle of crown and by the time night falls, I've smoked a half ounce. I'm wasted. So, I do the only logical thing to do in this situation. I jack off and pass out naked.
Saturday
One entire week has passed since I've heard from Bella.
Insecurity tells me that maybe she just doesn't give a fuck. Emmett drops in every once and a while to check in with me. Despite going for midnight or morning runs with sweat pouring, music spilling into my ears and my feet lighting the asphalt on fire, I haven't been out of my house. I'm hanging in limbo just wondering when she'll come back to me.
I know she has her shit to work out. I get that. I just got the feeling, or maybe had hope, that I would be the one to help her work it out. Some shit you just have to do on your own, though, and I am realizing that Bella is more like me than I initially thought. She is holding her pain inside, but the longer she lets it lie there, it will just eat and toxify.
I don't worry about Jake fucking with her. Not only did Emmett stress to Jake that I wouldn't hesitate to take him out, should he touch Bella again but he also promised to watch over her for me. I know that Jake doesn't have a chance, with Emmett around.
It's a comfort to know that she is safe but I won't lie that it hurts to know that she might not be as in to me as I am into her. I miss her. I just want to hear her voice again.
BPOV
"Bella?"
Oh boy
"Hi, Alice."
"I'm so glad you answered." I can hear her pacing and she sounds nervous.
"Listen Bella, I know you probably weren't expecting to hear from me considering whatever happened between you and my brother, but I don't know what else to do."
She pauses for a moment and takes a breath. "He won't talk to anyone and he's acting crazy Bella." I roll my eyes recalling all of the times I thought twice about forgiving Jake after our fights and how he would pull his manipulation tactics… "I'll kill myself Bella. If you leave me I'll kill myself. I can't make it without you. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't even remember it, I just blacked out. You have to believe me. I love you, Bella."
Wow. He will never change. I mean, I've seen the dozens of texts that he's sent me but I didn't think he would actually pull this with his sister as well. It makes me cringe that he has her fooled. He knew she would call me. He knew exactly how this would play out. I want to strangle him and shake some sense into his sister as well.
"I take it you don't know what happened with Jake and I?"
Her small voice shakes as she speaks "He won't talk to me, he just tells me that you two broke up and that he wants to die, Bella." She starts to sound panicky and a whimper slips out, making me feel bad but I keep hold over my emotion. I won't be pulled back in, I won't. She sniffles and speaks again. "Jasper is in the process of moving his stuff out of his house and he won't tell me either." I hear her crying now as she speaks. "He says it's up to Jake to tell me what's going on. I just don't understand Bella."
"Alice, calm down. I promise you everything is going to be ok."
"Bella, he's never been like this before. I'm just…I'm scared of what he might do."
Five minutes of explaining myself and Jake's tactics later, I hang up the phone.
Once upon a time I would have panicked and driven straight to Jake's house, giving into any request he had, as long as he quit threatening to harm himself. But now, I'm no longer blinded by ignorance. I see his attempts to get me back into his arms and it won't work. Not now, not ever.
The feeling of victory that washes through me for the way I handled that makes me feel proud. I won't allow myself to feel guilty. I won't allow myself to worry. I know that this is just his way to manipulate everyone.
Wanting to get my mind off of the phone call, I grab a movie and pop some popcorn. The sun falls as I crawl into bed and curl up to a movie. When the final credits of Se7en scroll up the screen, I welcome the sleep that takes me.
The next morning I wake up feeling rested. I only woke up twice and I went right back to sleep. No angry flashbacks. No pounding heart to keep me up afterwards. I smile on the inside and on the outside. I feel good today.
I text Edward back, for the first time since I left him almost two weeks ago.
I miss you too ~ B
The weekend goes by quickly and it's a good weekend because I sleep, both nights. All night long.
EPOV
Sunday
Emmett tells me that Rose hasn't been herself since the Jake incident because she's so worried about Bella. He assures me that Jake hasn't been around and that apparently Bella has been just as fucked up as I have these past eight days. I just wish she would let me in, let me be there for her. Let me take care of her. I want to go to her and make her accept my help, but I won't push.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday pass before I realize that it's been a week and a half.
On Thursday I call Marcus and let him know that I'm done and I won't be needing anymore. I've still got three ounces left, and I need to quit smoking. It's taking a toll on me, I can't run like I used to.
FRIDAY:
I miss you too. ~ Bella
That text is enough to get me through the next few days. I will wait for her. I won't badger her. I won't beg for her attention. I will just remain patient and let her come to me. She will come. I know this.
SATURDAY
I need some decent food in my life. I call Esme to see what she and Phil are having and as soon as she starts talking steak and baked potatoes with some sort of Chinese salad, I just shut her down and pretty much insist that she needs me to come over for dinner. She agrees and I'm fucking thrilled that I'll be getting some home cooked food.
It's been two weeks. I miss Bella like crazy.
SUNDAY
I wake up thinking about my mom. Being around Esme makes me miss her so much.
The next few days pass pretty much like the last except I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I'm going to do with my life. I resolve that I can't keep doing what I'm doing anymore. For the first time in my life I feel the most certain and uncertain at the same time and it's driving me mad.
I need a plan. I need some direction. I need Bella.
I check flights online and decide to head to Arizona. If I can just talk to mom, I'll know what I need to do.
BPOV
Another week passes of restless sleep, save for a few good days and I push on through. Rose and Emmett check on me every chance they get. Emmett seems to be here more than his house lately which is odd.
Rose comforts me even though I don't talk much about it. She knows what I'm going through. She wants to kill Jake, but she doesn't understand that it's not just about Jake. Rose always slept through our parent's late night fights. She never saw what I saw, or if she did, she never told me about it.
Though my father wasn't a good husband, he was a damn good dad. He made sure we knew that he loved us and he spent quality time with Rose and me. Mom was inpatient and always busy but dad always played with us. Over the years, since I've been older, Dad and I have talked about the few times that he saw me peeking around the corner of a wall, as he and mom fought. I would flinch at every yell, as each plate crashed. I can't count the times he's apologized to me for the things I saw when I was little and I know that it hurts him. The guilt that he feels for it all, because he holds true remorse for his actions, but what about my pain?
The times that we've talked about it, I've assured him that it's in the past and it's over and that we all make mistakes, no one's perfect. Truthfully, it scared the shit out of me when I was little, but after they split up, it was out of sight out of mind. It just wasn't that big of a deal. Until now. Look at me now. I've made dire decisions with the last few years of my life because of the distorted view I've had of proper relationships.
I didn't think that I would have the nerve to tell him how much it all bothered me now, but I knew that in order to get past this, I had to start at the roots. I had to talk to my dad about all of this.
So I picked up the phone and called him.
We met for lunch. I told him everything. He rightly wanted to kill Jake, but at the same time, he knew that wasn't why I was there. He allowed me to give it to him. He deserved it. He took it, he cried over it, and he accepted my anger like the patient father that he is. In the end, I felt somewhat relieved and guilty for being so brazen, but his embrace, his over and over "Bells, I'm so sorry honey. You mean the world to me," felt so warm and promising. They felt secure. They gave me hope and a tiny bit of closure as well.
I can get past this.
EPOV
The next day my flight lands around three pm and I go straight to the rental counter to get a car. My fingers twitch while filling out the forms and I silently praise myself for remembering my proof of insurance.
My license is copied, a car is pulled around for me, and the keys are in my hand. I arrive at the Phoenix Hilton twenty minutes later.
The short fuck at the check in counter is begging to get clocked as he stalls and stalls to get me checked in. Do I need to jump the fucking counter and do his job for him? I can type. Pretty sure that's the only skill I need to check myself into this motherfucker.
Ten minutes later I toss my duffel bag onto the bed in the stale bedroom and walk straight to the windows to pull the curtains. I need a drink.
In the lounge, I run into friends I haven't seen in years. Tyler is insistent upon buying another round, though I've told him several times nah, that's alright, I'm about to head out. I just want to get to the cemetery. I need to talk to her. Nevertheless, four rounds and forty five minutes of 'remember that time' later, I'm heading out the door with Tyler and Mike "Radar" Newton to the Avalon. We used to call Mike "Radar" because he would always be with whoever had the drugs. Fucker had a sixth sense for where the drugs were.
Mike and Tyler haven't changed. Both are twenty three year old fuck nuts that sell stock and pick up sluts for a living. Not my thing but I'll tag along. Anything is better than thinking about it. Thinking about what she's doing right now and if it will be three more weeks before I see her again.
On the ride there, they pass a Gatorade back and forth and hand it to me. Tyler hands me a white pill and tells me to swallow it. I know what it is. I've taken it before. Never been big on ecstasy, but tonight, it feels like a tiny round savior sitting in my palm, so I toss it back with warm, back-washed Gatorade and don't think twice about it.
I'm not the type to dose fake ass, manufactured chemicals. I'm also not the type to sit and grovel. Tonight's alternative is ecstasy and a club. Whatever it takes to get out of my head; just for tonight. Three weeks without Bella has all but driven me crazy and I'm on the brink of a) losing my shit or b) fucking everything up by tearing her door down and demanding she speak with me.
We arrive at the club and find a spot of connected couches and a table in the corner. I make myself comfortable while the guys scan the crowd. The club is large, three levels. Plush couches, marble floors and glass walls surround me. White lights glow behind each bar as the trance pushes up through the floor. A few people notice me and stop by for small talk and that's just what they get. Not fucking here to visit these people.
Thirty minutes later the pain is numb and the music envelops me.
I trade my vodka and tonic for a bottle of water. I haven't moved. I'm not here to get some ass, talk and dance with the crowd, or to woo a client. I'm here to forget. Another hour goes by as I lose myself in the night.
My back is pressed against the leather backed cushion, against the wall, as I watch the lights dance. I hold tight to the water bottle in my hands as sweat beads around my forehead.
Synthetic euphoria streams through my veins trying to give me reprieve from a day I no longer wish to remain a part of.
A waitress whizzes by with shots and champagne on her tray, none of which I'm interested in and that's when I see her headed for me. She's had her eyes on me all night. She's exotically beautiful, model height, and her body is inviting.
Break beats slam and the winding bass weaves its transparent arms all around me. Strong, sick ass, seductive sounds surround me; whispering sweet untruths. False promises of an enhanced ego and a larger-than-life night, over and over, are subliminally delivered.
Fucking lies.
Even the music lies to me. Through my drug induced high I reach out and embrace the first glimmer of hope and comfort I have had in three weeks.
For just a moment, I contemplate the invitation. For just a moment.
Go ahead. It's just one fuck. Doesn't mean anything. You could take her in the women's restroom and hike her up against the stall door. She's got nice tits and she looks like the type that swallows. No one will know. You'll never see this chick again. It will help you forget the pain. It will make it better.
Her naked, mocha-skinned belly writhes and undulates in silent provocation. The dangling jewel entices with each move her body makes. The lights glow from behind the curves of her sides, her eyes stare with want as she sways.
An abysmal, animalistic, selfish urge lurks and tugs as I study her.
A tiny voice of truth whispers through the melodic fallacy and the chemical deceit, and I gain control. The moment of temptation passes as I rise and walk to the men's room.
She is no different than all of the other snake charmers in this place. She offers me nothing but an empty fuck, a few long spurts and a guilty conscience. I know her kind. She is out for a fat dick and a good time, to temporarily take her mind off her meaningless life.
As good as a quick, dirty fuck, with a beautiful girl and no strings attached would feel at the moment, it won't feel as good as a clean conscience when I see Bella again and I'm not about to fuck up what I may have with her.
I'm not positive that Bella isn't out fucking around, but something tells me she just needs time… not another relationship. I also feel sure that she will come back to me. The last thing I want is to have to tell her I fucked around while she was figuring her shit out.
None of these bitches in here come close to Bella. They don't light up my soul with their smiles. They don't make my fucking heart race. Bella is it for me. If I have learned anything in this God forsaken time away from her, it's that I won't ever be the same after her.
I splash water on my face and grab a few paper towels after looking into the mirror, at the ridiculous size of my pupils. A few obnoxious guys bump into me as I walk out of the restroom but it doesn't bother me. I find comfort in knowing that as soon as I reach the exit I will be on my way to talk to my mom.
I hail a cab and give the address to the cemetery. I roll the window down and let the air hit my face. My senses are so heightened from the chemical comfort I've consumed. The air feels so good on my face.
So damn good.
I lay my head back and close my eyes as we ride. What seems like mere seconds later, the cab pulls to a stop and I ask him for a few minutes; to please wait for me. He obliges and I step out into the newborn morning air.
The tall lamp posts light up their sections accordingly, giving off small buzzing sounds. Aside from the wind, those are the only sounds I hear besides my footsteps as I come closer to her headstone.
Elizabeth Marie Masen. Her plot is bare. It had been months since I visited and it hurts. The guilt for not being here hurts.
I sit on her stone and I let it rain. I pour years of missing her and months of not being here from my grey clouds and let it wash the surface of her cold stone. Question after question pours as she speaks back to me through my subconscious. I get the answers I've come for and I tell her goodbye. Again.
XxXxXx
The next morning finds me at the bank, collecting money that has sat untouched for three years now. Lucky for me, my mother was smart and invested her savings, as well as purchased plenty of supplemental insurance policies on top of her whole life policies. In the end, I remember the attorney telling me that she had five separate whole life policies on top of her supplemental policies which paid out lump sums as well. I didn't know shit about insurance or how it paid but after seeing seven figures become my own, I felt like it might be a good time to start paying attention to it.
I leave the bank with a free feeling. I pop the locks on the tiny ass rental car and think about the amount of freedom I have and how much time I have left to live my life. This is my beginning. I have to do something with my fucking life. I can't live with Emmett in a three bedroom split level for the rest of my life. I can't stay inside and fucking wonder if a woman is ever going to return my feelings while I let my life pass me by. My mom was so fucking young. Just coming back here makes me realize just how much time has already passed since she has been gone and it is crucial now, that I make moves.
The rental clerk from Enterprise dispatches a driver to pick up my rental at the Phoenix Land Rover dealership where I pay cash for a smoke colored 2012 LR4. I google maps the directions back to Port Angeles and don't even feel phased by the twenty six hour trip. I could drive this highway with music blaring for two weeks straight. I like to drive fast with the music blaring. It gets my shit in order.
The drive back to Port Angeles takes almost two days because I almost fall asleep at the wheel around three am on the way back. Luckily, there is a hotel close by that allows me to catch some sleep so that I can get back on the road and get home.
The truck rides smooth, and the clean, crisp smell of the interior is welcome. The sound system isn't too shabby and it keeps my mind busy in the beats. Every now and then a song will play that makes me think of Bella. That first time I saw her in the bathroom, the night I whispered in her ear how beautiful she looked and how she looked at me with surprise as I looked her in the eye and spoke low and sincere. I asked her "Does your boyfriend tell you you're beautiful?" and she just blushed and looked up at me all starry eyed while answering "No," and standing dazed and stone still when I replied with "Well, he should," as I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, letting my pointer finger linger on her neck, "Because you're beautiful, Bella." My finger trailed from behind her ear down her neck and across her shoulder as I stared into her eyes, walking away before anyone could catch on to our small moment of affection.
Rest Area in one mile. I've got to pee like a motherfucker, thank God.
I fly into the Rest Area, screeching to a stop in a parking place. I don't like to stop when I'm traveling. I sometimes challenge myself to see how long I can go. This is fucking ridiculous. I realize this now as I sprint to the men's stall.
I spot my new ride as I come out of the Rest Area and it excites me. I like this feeling and it makes me want to talk to her.
I reverse much more slowly than I pulled in just minutes ago and I'm back on the highway, headed home.
I decide to call Bella. It's been three weeks since I've seen her, two since I've had communication with her; surely this isn't breaking any rules.
I peck at the keys while glancing back at the road every other number.
One ring. Two rings.
"Hello?"
Triumph.
"Bella."
Silence.
"Edward? She inhales and breathes out a "Hey."
She sounds so tiny and bashful. She sounds beautiful.
"Bella..."
"Edward..."
We both speak at the same time. A little bit of awkward silence is broken by her laugh and I speak up.
"Let me see you tonight."
"What?" She sounds surprised.
"Tell me that you'll let me see you tonight." As I speed up in anticipation of what she'll say, I hear something drop in the background. She's spilled whatever was in her hands or knocked something over.
"Ok... um. Alright, what time?" I hear the phone moving against her as she picks up whatever mess she's made.
She's nervous.
I like it.
"That depends. I'm going eighty right now, but if you've missed me, as much as I've missed you, I can bump it up to ninety. That should get me there in about three hours."
She laughs her sexy little laugh and everything inside me awakens. I've missed her so fucking much that I would give anything to climb through this phone to be there with her, right now.
"Edward, I'm so sorry about the way that I left th..."
I cut her off.
"Don't apologize for anything. Just tell me you'll let me see you tonight."
"Of course, I will." She breathes in. "I mean, I want to see you too. I've missed you. So much."
"Yeah?" I smile.
"Yeah."
I palm myself, pressing down the hardness that struggles for more space.
"Do you know how many times I've smelled you on my sheets, felt your lips in my dreams and wished that I could slide inside you, since you left me, Bella?"
A/N: I know that I said within the week but I suck and this chapter was a bitch and just not fun to write because it was a transitional growth. Surprisingly, I'd rather be writing lemons. (never thought I'd say that) SereneinNC is my betaboss she murdered this chapter with her sexy red pen. I'm not worthy of her. Thank you so much to ALL of you who have left me reviews that make my heart smile. Some of you just really "get" the essence of these two and damn, that touches my heart. Thanks to surething302 for prereading and being there, Nicffwhisperer for her constant support and encouragement, and thank you to all who pimp this on twitter and facebook and who, favorite and alert, you guys... oh, you guys. Come and chat with me on twitter - PAWsPeaches- Shout out to Bassnectar for Edward's club inspiration.