Chapter 14: Who cares?

Phil watched as the door creaked open slowly, and Dave slid into the room. Phil craned his neck, trying to catch a glimpse of Dan waiting outside, but Dave kept the door as closed as possible. When he was in the room he shut the door before turning to face the mess that was Phil. "I'm sorry Phil, ok? You know how much I hate putting people in here." Phil just nodded, looking away. Dave couldn't see how broken he was, nobody could. It would hurt them. That meant they couldn't look at his face, his eyes. He couldn't hide the pain there, not now. He knew it got easier to hide, it got easier to fake smiles, until eventually you managed to push this place to the back of your mind. Not completely, but enough that you could continue with everyday life. Enough so that you wouldn't have to fake smiles. Enough so that people could look at you without flinching. You never forget though, you never forget the terror, the anguish, the hate. This would be the place that would follow Phil from his childhood. This would never fade. Dave stood there in silence, watching him, waiting for him to look over, to say something. Eventually Phil said quietly "Can we please leave now?" Dave sighed and replied "We need to talk Phil, you know I can't just let you out of here without checking you're ok." Phil still didn't look at him. He meant to sound angry, but the anger sounded half hearted. Phil didn't have it in him to be angry anymore. He'd been stripped down to the bare minimum. He'd gone from living, to existing. "You mean you have to check that we haven't gone insane. Well I'm afraid that I can't promise you anything till I'm out. I always feel insane in here." Dave took a small step closer and said just as quietly "No. There is a reason to this room, no matter how much I hate it. You have to think. Now you need to tell me what you thought about so we can work through it." Phil sighed, exhausted, and replied "Yeah, you're definitely training to be a shrink." Dave didn't laugh, just stared at Phil, waiting for a awnser. Phil could feel the eyes drilling into his back, red hot with the pain Dave was obviously experiencing after seeing Phil, who was normally so happy, so bright and bubbly, so kind, acting like this. He shuffled slightly, uncomfortable. The feeling of being watched just made this place worse.

He decided he might as well just say something believable, to get out. He couldn't stand being in here one minute longer. He didn't like to lie, so he stayed as close to the truth as possible. Normally he wouldn't have got away with it, it was easy to tell when he was lying. After you've been broken like this place broke him however, who was to say you were lying. Who was to say that this just wasn't the affect of the room? Phil still didn't look at Dave though, just in case. "I thought about my dad. I thought about how I'm becoming like him, about how I don't want to, ok? Is that good enough for you?" Phil heard Dave take another step forward, and he realised Dave was testing him. He remembered when he first came here, he remembered one of their tactics for making him better. They would take steps closer while trying to distract him, by talking to him or putting a film on. They tired to see how close they could get before he would freak out. Phil spun around quickly to face Dave, but stayed looking at the floor. Before he could make it clear however, that he knew what was going on, Dave spoke again. "What conclusion did those thoughts lead you to?" Phil sighed again and replied cautiously "I'm not going to let myself become my dad. I'm not like him. At my age he was already beating people up, physically and mentally. I try to do the opposite. I may lose my temper every now and then, that doesn't make me him. It just puts me in danger of becoming him if I'm not careful." Phil spewed out what he knew Dave wanted to hear, but he didn't believe it. He just wanted out. He couldn't conclude his thoughts properly in here anyway! While he had spoken, Dave had taken two more steps forward. "Dave, I'm not a little kid anymore. I know what you're doing. I haven't relapsed, I never did. I just said it without thinking ok, I didn't think. Can't I even talk like a normal person now without my sanity being questioned?" he took a deep breath, trying to show Dave that he was calm. "Look, you can touch me. I'm fine. Can I please leave now?"

Phil had stood up and placed a hand on Dave's arm, trying to prove that he was fine. Dave studied the contact for a moment, before sighing and moving away from the door. Phil removed his hand and walked quickly towards the door, trying not to run. He didn't say another word until he was outside that place and wrapped safely in Dan's arms. They stood there for what felt like an eternity, Dan rocking Phil comfortingly while Phil whispered to them both "It's fine, it's over, I'm fine." When they finally pulled apart, Dave had already walked past them and disappeared.

A while later they were both sat in the empty living room. All the other kids had gone to bed, and it was way past curfew, but the others didn't seem to care anymore. Dave had walked past the doorway and seen them on his way to bed, and he opened his mouth as though he was going to say something, and then closed it again. He just shook his head and continued past. There Dan and Phil sat, in silence, hands intertwined. Dan was waiting, not wanting to push Phil into telling him before he was ready. He had noticed how Phil wouldn't look anyone in the eye, how his posture was slightly hunched, head done. He looked like a twisted, broken, damaged doll. Dan sat there, waiting, hoping that Phil realised Dan was there, that he wasn't going to leave him.

Phil sat, hand intertwined with Dans warm hand, and thought. He didn't want to look over, didn't want Dan to see how broken he was. He didn't want to scare him, to worry him. He didn't want him to leave him alone. He slowly realised though that eventually he was going to have to look at people, to get along with life again. He was out now, it was over. Things could get back to some form of normal. Anyway, he'd seen Dan broken, crushed destroyed. He'd seen hints of it when he spoke about his mother, his past care homes, the friends he could barely remember before his life was turned upside down. He'd seen it completely when he'd stormed out of therapy, the terror behind his eyes. It's difficult, when your past is so bad it scares you, because you can't run away from it, can you? It's always there, lurking in the corners of your mind. It can ruin everything, even if you only think about it for a split second. Dan knew what it was like to be completely broken, he understood. Phil could trust him. He turned slowly to face Dan, letting the younger boy take it all in.

Dan hated seeing him like this, hated it. Not only were his eyes red and swollen, his hair messy, his cheeks stained with tears, but it was his expression. His half closed, his eyebrows knitted together, his mouth in a straight line. At first glance it would come across as un-feeling, cold, but Dan knew Phil to well. He could see the pain in the eyes, the confusion, the hatred aimed towards himself. He could see that it was un-feeling, but more, feeling too much. He had experienced it, the mind destroying overwhelm of feelings, the way you feel like the only thing you can do is close yourself of. You can't take anymore thoughts, emotions, so you close yourself off. You try to shut everything out; you try feel less, just because you've reached your limits. He also knew from his experience that it didn't make things better, it just put things off. It let things build until it broke the boundaries, until you no longer had any other option than to face it. He knew Phil knew this, but he also understood that knowing and doing, knowing and understanding, were two different things. He understood that in this state, you do not care that things will be worse in the long run, just as long as you don't have to deal with it now. The short term is all that matters. He waited, knowing that eventually, Phil would come a little more back to him. Not completely, but enough to see what he was doing wasn't going to help.

Phil watched Dan's face, how the minute he turned to look at him, pain shot through it. He managed to keep his expression soft, normal, but his eyes hardened with the weakness, something only pain could achieve. Then they warmed, and it took Phil a minute to understand. That's exactly what it was, understanding. He saw the resignation in the lines next to Dan's eyes, the resignation to waiting. Phil took a deep breath. He wanted to talk, he just didn't know how. "I'm ready, I just don't know where to start" he said, his voice steeled with an edge of desperation, of panic. He felt Dan squeeze his hand slightly and he smiled. Not his perfect grin, but a sad, pained smile. A smile that said I know, I understand, and I'm not going to leave you alone. "Start from the beginning, what did they want to talk to you about?" Phil sighed, unsure of how Dan was going to react. "They, um, wanted to talk about us. I'm still not sure what they wanted. It was almost like a warning, I think. It seemed like they'd already made up their minds, that it was already decided that we were bad." The only sign that Dan had even heard him was the slight furrowing of his eyebrows. That was all Phil needed though, to know that Dan wasn't happy. He also knew, he didn't know how but he did, he just knew, that Dan wasn't angry with him. He wasn't even really angry with Dave. He was angry with how things had turned out for them, he was angry at life, at circumstance. He also knew that he was holding it back for now, putting helping Phil first, and he appreciated it. He'd experienced enough shouting from his mouth and his head today.

"Ok" Dan nodded, still smiling at Phil."So you… shouted?" he continued, sounding unsure. "I shouted, I swore, I… just felt so angry!" Dan nodded and replied quietly "I know the feeling." Phil returned the smile, hoping it showed his understanding; his anger at the fact Dan did understand when he shouldn't have to. "They don't send you there for shouting though, Phil, otherwise I'd live there." Phil shook his head and explained "I would have been fine if I hadn't made a stupid mistake. Typical me though, I have to just go that little bit to far by accident." Dan nodded at him, urging him to continue. "Dave reached out to touch me, I don't know why. I reacted without thinking. I told him not to touch me. He thought I was relapsing. I wasn't though!" he said, slightly panicked. "I wasn't, I just said it. It's a figure of speech!" Dan nodded and said softly "I know Phil, its fine. He was stupid to think that." He looked at Phil worriedly before continuing "I can't be angry at him though, he was just trying to help." Phil nodded in agreement. They sat for a few more minutes in silence before Dan whispered "Are you ready to talk about being in there, or…." He tailed off, unsure. Phil nodded and thought for a moment, trying to put it into words. "I just… broke. I mean I…. I…. it just…" he couldn't do it, he didn't know how. It didn't matter though. Dan just nodded and said slowly "It was overwhelming. It was scary and sad and it made you angry, it made you terrified, it made you desperate and confused. It was too much to take in. It was unnerving, the silence, how could everything be so quiet when your head was so loud?" Phil nodded, grateful. "Yeah. It makes you think, being in there. That's what it's for." Dan nodded and asked gently "What did you think about?"

Phil had to be completely honest, and it was hard. He just tried to focus on his cold hand in Dan's warm one, tried to focus on how it might help to talk about it. "I thought about my Dad for a bit. I thought about how angry I got. I never shout, I never swear. I try to be the person I wish my dad would have been. I thought about how I might end up like him, a horrible person who is just anger. Nothing but anger. I know I'm not as bad as him, but what if I become like that. What if I suddenly become him? I don't want to be him." Phil's voice broke, and he felt more tears well in his eyes. He blinked them back, surprised he could still cry. Dan hugged him tightly, whispering in his ear "You will not be like your dad. You couldn't be if you tried. You're too good, to amazing, to… you. It doesn't matter what your parents were like, you're still your own person. You are you, and you don't want to be like that, so you won't. It is that simple." He pulled away, and they went back to holding hands. Phil thought about what Dan had said. Could it really be that easy? He'd been doing alright so far, until today. He realised quickly though, Dan wasn't saying it was easy. He was saying it was a simple choice to make, and for Phil it was. He was saying that as long as Phil made that choice, he would be able to work with it. He would have it to hold onto, and with work, he would do it. "Thank you" he whispered to Dan, and continued "After that, I thought about what we should do. I think they want us to stay away from each other, to carry on as though this never happened. I can't do that." Dan grinned at him, this time a real smile, a smile of a happiness and said softly "Good, because I can't either. So we won't." Phil smiled back at him and said "What should we do then?"

Dan thought for a long time. What should they do? They weren't going to do what they wanted. Not only could they not do it, Dan didn't see why they should. Just because Harry was a homophobic twat. Just because people would assume things, it shouldn't mean they should change. They shouldn't have to sneak around like they had been; they hadn't been doing anything wrong. "Phil, I think we should just be open. I think we should just openly date, they know now anyway. We need to show them that we're proud, that they aren't going to stop us. It makes us happy, and that's all we need to be. Anyway, if we're open about it, then they can open about telling us what they want. They can openly watch us, make sure were never alone so we can't do anything wrong. We'll just carry on like we have been while were alone, but just in public. Just like any other normal couple, who cares what idiots like Harry think?" Phil smiled at him, and squeezed his hand.

"Ok."