I know, I know...

*Backs away from the angry mob with food*

Believe me, it was just as hard for me to write it as it was for you to read it.

But, I promise you, I know where this is going. Good things are ahead, so if you can stick with me through this, I will not let you down.

XO-Becca

I was having an out of body experience.

"Blood Pressure's 90/60, somebody push an IV of fluids. And I'm gonna need some gauze, can we get more lighting here please? I can't see a damn thing."

I laid in the bed as my body was violated by complete strangers. My sweatpants and underwear stripped and tossed aside, as my blood covered legs were forced into stirrups. Doctors were everywhere, Ambulances were going off, the lights were obnoxiously bright, and my head was beginning to pound.

It clearly was a dream. If I could just pinch myself, I could wake up from this horrific nightmare.

It was mine, I was just starting to come around to the idea, just starting to wrap my head around it. Was that wrong of me? Was I stupid to try and start bonding? I just wanted to feel him/her. I just wanted it to kick me, to tell me I hadn't failed them, that he/she was still with me, and it was going to be okay. I hadn't even felt it kick.

I wanted it all back. The vomiting, the exhaustion, the sore boobs, I'll take it all back without complaint, just please give me my baby back! I didn't mean it, I didn't mean to think of miscarriages and abortions, I wanted this! I wanted this baby! I needed it back with me. The universe had no right to take this from me, it was mine.

And then, the nausea set back in again. Natures way of kicking me when I'm down.

"I'm going to throw up..." I meekly spoke as I tried to lift my head.

"Can I get a small thing of water, I'm gonna need to clean her area, there's so much-"

"Can I-I-"

"Oh good, hang the bags, push the IV."

Nobody was listening to me, I had to find my voice. More than anything, I wanted Jesse.

"I'm going to throw up, can somebody please get me something!" I cried out. The doctor stopped and looked over at me, finally paying attention.

"Oh I'm so sorry, here let me...here, right here." She apologized, handing me a small basin.

I leaned my head forward, my stomach pushing up against my will and my face turning colors as my body struggled to empty.

At that moment, Chloe pushed in through the doors, her eyes scanning the room before settling on me and releasing a sigh. She hurried over, and immediately pulled my hair back out of my face.

"I called him, he's on his way, he's coming. But it's gonna be about about 2 hours, maybe more with the snow." She explained to me. I simply nodded my head, I didn't know what else to do.

Suddenly, the doctor removed her hands from under the sheet, and removed her gloves.

"What are you doing?" I questioned. "Get back under there! You need to fix this...fix me, fix my baby! Why are you stopping?"

"Rebeca..." She began.

"Don't. Just no, stop...please don't. I don't want to hear it!" I cried.

"I'm so sorry. It looks like it was a complete miscarriage. The bleeding should subside in about 12-24 hours. You'll need to wear a pad, and you can take ibuprofen as needed for the cramping..."

She was explaining things, important things, and I should have been listening, but instead I just shut down, I didn't want to hear anything, anymore. All that mattered was this baby, and it was gone before I could even see it.

I just wanted to go home. Nothing else mattered.

*Jesse's POV*

I should have been there. I should have fucking been there. But I wasn't, and I had let her down. It should have been me carrying her into the ER, cradling her body to my chest and reassuring her that I was going to find a way to make everything okay. But no, instead, I was a state away, getting drunk with my friends, and being 19. I had responsibilities, and this was stupid.

"This is all my fault." I sighed, as I smacked my hand against the car door as I sped through I95 trying to get back to Beca.

"I mean, really, it totally is. What kind of douche bag wishes his girlfriend to have a miscarriage, and while he's out of town none the less." Unicycle countered.

I glanced over at him. Once news spread about what was happening back home, everyone agreed I needed someone with me. They all refused to let me drive back home at 3 in the morning by myself, so I finally gave up and told Uni to get in the car. This was too much for Benji to handle and as disappointed as he was, I needed someone who could support me through this.

"What?" I questioned

"That's how you sound right about now bro. You didn't wish for Beca to miscarry, you didn't go and stick some wire hanger in her in some fucking twisted abortion scheme. It is not your fault. It's not her fault. Nobody is at fault here man. It's just a shitty situation, nobody could have prevented it." He explained.

"I should have been there dammit!" I cried out.

"But you weren't, you were with us. And dude, I know you feel guilty about that, but you cannot be up her ass all the time Jesse. You can't be with Beca every second of every day putting her in some fucking protective bubble so she never gets hurt. She wouldn't want that. And that's not how life works, were all going to get hurt."

He paused for a beat, before continuing on his tangent.

"Look dude, the Bella's, they used to annoy the piss out of me. And I've loved kicking their asses every chance we got. But...at the end of the day, their good women, and we're lucky to have them. Their also incredibly strong women, and they don't need us. They want us, but they sure as hell don't need us. Beca was in good hands tonight Jesse, you not being there didn't change anything. Chloe jumped into action, and she got her to the hospital immediately. She did everything you would have done."

This. This was why I had chosen Unicycle. As much as I hated to admit it, he was 100% right. Beca didn't need me hovering over her every second of the day. Matter of fact I'm pretty sure she would have punched me by now if I had tried. And while I needed someone to speak the truth, and make me understand that this was so beyond out of my control, part of me still felt so fucking guilty.

I had grown to love Beca over the past year more than I had ever loved anyone before. My feelings for her were unlike anything I had ever felt. The battle to win her over was worth every minute. She had put up a fight, and didn't give in easily. But that was part of her charm. Where was the fun in getting the prize without any effort?

She was beautiful, funny, sarcastic, confident. She possessed all the best qualities a person could have. And after a year of chipping away at her walls, she had finally opened herself up to me. Finally broken down and exposed every piece of herself, she trusted in me. And yet, the one time she needed me, I was nowhere to be found.

The apartment was dark when we arrived at 6am, but the porch light was on. I had wanted to speed, wanted to fly through the interstate, but with the snow, it was impossible. And the last thing anybody needed was a car accident to add to this misery.

We opened the door quietly and I could see a dim light coming from the kitchen. The washer was working through a load, and the entire place smelled of pumpkins and apples from the lit candles. It was completely calm.

Chloe was in the dining room folding laundry as we made our way in.

"Hey." She sighed, her voice tired from a chaotic night and no sleep.

"How is she? Where is she?" It was all I needed to know.

"She's asleep on the couch. Um, I had to throw her sheets in the washer, and..." She trailed off. Her mattress and sheets had been stained, and she probably wasn't going to want to go back into her room for a while. The couch made the most sense.

"She fell asleep in the car on the way home. I don't think she wanted to, but it's been a really emotional night and I think her body was just warn out." She continued.

"So where do we go from here, what did they say?" I asked.

"She's wearing a pad, she's going to continue bleeding over the next 12-24 hours. Um, it was a complete miscarriage." She had to stop and recollect herself for a minute as tears began to well up in her eyes. This was just as painful for her as it was for us.

"Which they said was good, cause...she didn't need any medication or anything. Her body just took care of it. Um, what else...She might continue to experience some symptoms of the pregnancy over the next week or so as her body readjusts. They suggested counseling, but I know Beca wont want that. So, unfortunately, there's nothing we can do. We just let her heal, and we go on with life. And whatever she needs, we make sure she gets it." She sniffed, as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

I hugged her tightly. "Thank you, for everything."

"I'm so sorry you weren't here." She cried.

"Yeah, me too." I replied.

Unicycle sat down and began to help Chloe with the laundry as I made my way into the living room.

I looked down at her small frame, pressed up against the couch. She had a heating pad on her lower stomach, and an knitted blanket across her body. Her flowing chestnut hair was down and splayed across her face, her chest rising and falling with each breath she took.

I stood there, as the tears began to form, and just watched her.

I couldn't bare to think about what this was going to do to her. My girlfriend could not take one more fucking blow. She was such a good person, but it seemed like life just continued to dump on her. She couldn't catch a single break. She didn't deserve any of this pain, and I just wanted to take it all from her. I just wanted to kiss her, and hold her, and make it so she never hurt again.

I knew she needed to sleep, but I couldn't stop myself.

I keeled down beside her and kissed her on the forehead, my tears hitting his face.

Her body shifted, and her eyes fluttered, before settling on me. Her tears immediately welling up in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry." She cried. And I immediately shook my head.

"No, no don't you dare apologize, don't. You have nothing to be sorry about." She needed to know. She needed to know I wasn't mad, and this wasn't her fault. I wanted to tell her so many different things, all at once, but I couldn't. All I could do was cry.

She grabbed onto me, wrapping her arms around my neck and burying her head into my chest. And together, together we sat on the couch, on a cold morning in October and held onto each for dear life while we cried. Cried for ourselves, cried for each other, and cried for the baby we never got to know.

Our baby.