Disclaimer – I do not own BMT world – it belongs to Trudi Canavan
Sonea
Throughout the exchanges between Akkarin and Takan, Sonea had busied herself with pouring two more glasses of wine. As the door closed behind the servant, she turned and held one out to Akkarin. For a moment she thought he wasn't going to take it, but then he did so. She waited for the inevitable storm to would break about her head. It was not long in coming.
"Sit down, Sonea." There was no warmth in his tone.
She sat, nervously fiddling with the glass in her hand. She looked across at Akkarin, who was staring at her, his eyes narrowed and his face an unreadable mask. She felt uncomfortable under his scrutiny but forced herself to remain still. She hoped her facial expression was as calm as his, but she wouldn't like to bet her life on it.
"From the beginning, you have been a disobedient novice, ignoring anything which didn't fit into what you consider to be right and proper, arguing over everything I asked you do to, refusing to behave as a novice should behave towards her guardian."
Sonea's mouth dropped open in surprise, "…behave as a novice should behave…" she repeated incredulously, "When you forced me to be your Novice because…."
"Because you'd been going where you shouldn't have been going and finding out things you were never meant to know!" he interrupted coldly. "What choice did I have?"
She shut her mouth, biting back the hot words she knew she'd regret later. She took a breath and made an effort to calm down, "That's all in the past now, Akkarin," she said quietly. "We are both on the same side now, doing the same thing, trying to defeat the Ichani."
He sipped his wine, never taking his eyes off her. "Yes, we're on the same side, but still you disobey my orders. I asked you not to come to Imardin, but to stay somewhere safe, yet here you are, still being difficult and causing trouble. But even before that, you refused to stay in the Guild and wrecked my careful plan to provide it with a black magician of its own. Going back even further, how did Guild magicians discover my secret?"
She stared at him, the colour draining from her face, she knew what he was going to say and she had no defence against it.
"I asked you to keep the black magic books you were studying carefully hidden, yet they were easily found in your room, with all the consequences you are familiar with. Without the evidence of those books, nothing could have been proved against me. The underground room would not have been found and the Ichani would not now be marching towards Imardin. Yes, you were disobedient at the start and you are disobedient now."
He tossed the last of his wine down his throat and rose to refill his glass. She could feel the tears pricking at her eyelids but refused to give in to them. She gulped down her own wine, feeling its warmth spread as she swallowed. She waited until he had returned to his seat, before refilling her own glass.
Sitting down again, she spoke quickly, "All right, it's true. I have not carried out all your commands in the way you would like, but apart from not hiding the books as well as I should have done, the other things were done to help you, to keep you safe, to make sure you can do what you need to do."
"So you have said, over and over. What is your excuse for interrogating my servant and getting him to betray confidences?"
Now we come to it, she thought. She swallowed half the contents of her glass quickly, feeling the courage which wine can bring, flood through her.
"Since we've been alone together, I've discovered I have very deep feelings for you and despite everything you've done to discourage me, these feelings grow stronger and stronger each day. You won't talk to me about it. You pretend my feelings don't exist. What am I supposed to do? Takan is the only other person who can help me, if you won't!"
Her voice rose as she was speaking, until by the last sentence she was almost shouting; she hoped that there was no one nearby to hear. Akkarin continued to stare at her, his face expressionless. She wanted to throw something at him, anything, just make him react, to knock that smooth mask off his face.
"You are very young, Sonea," he began patiently, "With little experience of these sorts of things. It's just a natural feeling because we've been put into a difficult situation and for most of the time, there was only each other to rely on. It will pass, once your circumstances change."
His voice was full of understanding and the points he made were logical, but, as she knew quite well, completely wrong. She needed to prove to him the strength of her feelings.
"Truth read me," she said quietly.
"What?" Akkarin said, disbelief strong in his voice.
"Truth read me, you're the best in the Guild at it, so you'll know I speak the truth."
"Truth reading is not something to be used lightly." His tone was full of disapproval and dismissal.
She shot him an angry look, "You're afraid you'll find I'm telling the truth! Then what would you do?"
He made no answer, but simply continued to sip his wine. This was no good. I have to do something, she thought in desperation, Any minute now, he'll get up and go and nothing will have been resolved. She was running out of options, the only real one she had left was the truth. She rose and went over to him, dropping to the floor by the side of his chair.
She took his hand, and looking up at him, she said softly, "Akkarin, in spite of everything that has happened and without my even wanting it to happen, I've fallen deeply in love with you. At first, I thought it was only an infatuation, just like you said, something which happened because we were thrown together. But it's not like that at all. I think it was already there, when we were still at the Guild, but I just didn't know it. Now I do know it, I know what I feel about you and it's not going to conveniently go away. What I need to know, is what you feel about me."
She paused, but he didn't speak, just continued to look down at his hand, which lay unmoving in her own, as if he had never seen it before.
"I know you feel something," she persisted, "I could tell when I kissed you that there was something there. I just don't know what. You have to tell me."
Finally he dragged his gaze away from his hand and looked at her. There was a faint colour in his cheeks as he let out his breath in a rush, almost as if he hadn't breathed while she was speaking. When he did start to speak, his words were not what she expected him to say.
"There are very good reasons for the rules about relationships between guardians and novices. Novices live, unchaperoned, in the houses of their guardians, with no regard given to age or sex, and it would be easy for a young female novice, for example, to develop strong feelings for an older male magician. In my house, there was only you and I and Takan, a situation which could have been very difficult. In many ways, I was pleased you disliked me because it meant that no problems of a personal relationship would arise between us."
He disengaged his hand from hers and stood up, "I need more wine, another for you?"
She sat back on her heels and nodded. Akkarin collected the glasses and poured the wine. He put the now empty bottle down and looked at the remaining full ones, "There are four more, so there should be enough!"
She smiled briefly at his attempt at humour and accepted her glass gratefully. He sat down again, but made no move to replace his hand.
"But you, you were so different from any other woman I'd ever known. You look at things differently; you feel things more strongly. Once you decided you believed me, you threw yourself into black magic and learnt it all quickly and thoroughly. You studied with me, you learned from me and you killed with me. I could not have asked for a better companion in the work I had to do."
She caught her breath, he was going to tell her, she knew it.
He smiled sadly as he caught the look of anticipation in her eyes, "But it won't do, Sonea. It really won't do. You are so young; I am years older than you, probably already a novice when you were born. Shut up in the Guild, you haven't even had the opportunity to meet other people your own age. You must try to forget about these wild, inappropriate feelings. It will pass in time."
"But I don't want other people!" she exclaimed. "We're not Novice and Guardian any more, so that doesn't apply. Age has nothing to do with it. I met plenty of novices of my own age in the Guild and most, if not all of them, wouldn't give me a second glance. There wasn't one of them I thought of in any way except the usual one – a fellow student. Dorrien, well, I told you about him. I didn't love him, he just offered me a possible future, that's all. It's you and only you I want." She looked directly into his eyes, "You haven't answered my question. What do you feel for me?"
"I think you are a beautiful woman, Sonea, you are brave and generous, and you deserve to be happy. You will not find happiness with me, I am a tainted man. You must try to rid yourself of these feelings."
Her mouth formed an 'o' of astonishment, "A tainted man? This has something to do with what Takan wouldn't tell me, hasn't it?"
"That's something I refuse to discuss with you and you will not question Takan again! Do you understand?"
To her dismay, cold command was back in his voice. She had run out of words, at least any words, which had the slightest chance of making Akkarin tell her what she wanted to know. That only left action. She briefly considered the risks. It might drive him away from her forever, but, they had drunk a bottle of strong wine between them and she remembered what had happened the last time.
As she had done before, she grabbed his hands and jerked him towards her. Wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, she kissed him, her mouth opening under his. Like before, she could taste the rich heavy sweetness of the wine on his lips and tongue. This time, it was she who stood up, pulling him with her. He had no will to resist, his arms enclosed her and she could feel her heart thudding against her chest. She wound her hands in his hair, pressing his face to hers, the soft bristles of his beard, tickling her skin. She let go of him, but kept possession of his mouth, pushing her hands up under his shirt until she could feel the warmth of his flesh beneath them. She felt him shudder as her hands slowly caressed his body, slipping around to his back, running her fingers up and down his spine.
Quickly, he picked her up in his arms and took a long stride before carefully laying her down in front of the fire. She watched from under her lids as he slipped out of his shirt and lay down beside her. She found herself lying in his arms, her head against the warmth of his chest, listening to the rapid pounding of his heart. She kissed his skin, little feathery kisses, relishing the taste of him, fresh and clean. She lifted her face, and felt his mouth hard against her own, forcing it open, then the quick thrust of his tongue.
His fingers undid the buttons of her shirt and she lay, exposed, before him. She risked a quick glance at him and found his eyes closed and an unfamiliar expression on his face. His hands caressed her breasts, sending waves of pleasure coursing through her. She heard herself moan as his caresses became more insistent. He bent to kiss each breast in turn, causing her body to squirm beneath his touch.
At some point, they removed their remaining clothing, but she was never able to remember afterwards exactly how or when. Her only memory of the moment was of their naked flesh sliding together, intensifying the pleasure she felt. The hot, sweet pain she remembered from the last time thrust through her belly and she arched her body beneath him as he claimed possession of her.
Her body seemed to take on a life of its own, moving with him in perfect harmony, while she gave herself up to the exquisite pleasure, which flooded into her. As the tempo increased, it seemed as if she could no longer breathe, every part of her was capable only of registering the passion which consumed her. She heard him cry out as he shuddered within her, and her own body shuddered in response as a blast of intense pleasure shot through her. As the waves of pleasure slowly diminished, they lay still, while their breathing returned to normal and their heart rate slowed, arms wrapped tightly around each other, neither wanting to speak.
Lust or love? She still had no answer to the question which had puzzled her after their first kisses in the wastelands. Does it matter? No, said her body. The pleasure is there, either option. Yes, said her heart. For things to last, it has to be love.
She felt him stir, stopping her thoughts from riding their merry-go-round. She stared as he opened his eyes and looked at her. For an instant, his face was it usual mask, but as she smiled tremulously up at him, he smiled back, before kissing her lips gently.
Ah, Sonea, his mental voice was different this time, What a spell you cast on me.
I love you, that's my only spell.
He shifted position, so that she was lying against him, while his arms kept her close. She didn't want to spoil the moment by speaking and she sensed that somehow, Akkarin felt the same. She lost track of time, they could have stayed like that for minutes or hours, she didn't know.
"Sonea," he said at last, "We have to talk."
She couldn't prevent her smile, "I've been asking you to talk to me for a long while."
She felt him sigh and the first feelings of dismay started to fill her. He is going to tell me this mustn't happen again, she thought. I just know it!
She put her fingers on his lips, "Before you say anything, Akkarin, listen to me. That was everything I hoped it would be. I've wanted to make love with you for a long time and now we have, it's confirmed everything I truly believe, that we are perfect together. Don't try to reduce it to nothing by saying the things you said before. Be honest with me. Tell me that was nothing, that you didn't enjoy it. Tell me my feelings aren't real. Tell me it shouldn't have happened. And, make me believe it!"
She took her fingers away, but he didn't speak, only continued to look at her intently, his dark eyes staring into hers. She sensed his struggle with himself. He wanted to deny it, she knew that, but he couldn't.
"I can't lie to you, Sonea," he said at last, "If we were an ordinary man and woman, then I would say we were made for each other. But…." He held up his hand to stop her as she started to say something, "But we are not ordinary people. And you deserve better than me. I said I was tainted, and it's true. I bring bad luck to the people who love me. I won't let you suffer because of me."
She searched his face, hoping to see that he didn't mean it, but she found nothing to give her any hope. He was still staring at her, as if he were trying to impress her face on his memory. She reached up and touched his cheek.
"If you deny me, you'll make me suffer," she said, trying to find something to bind him to her. She took one of his hands, softly kissed the palm and laid it against her cheek, "I need you so much, don't make a decision now we'll both regret."
He kissed her, a soft, gentle kiss, then rose smoothly to his feet and began to dress. She watched the long, elegant lines of his body slowly disappear from sight. When he'd finished, he held out his hand and pulled her to her feet. She reluctantly reached for her clothes. What now?
Akkarin poured more wine and handed her a glass. "I think we should stop drinking wine," he said with a crooked smile, "You take advantage of me every time."
She laughed, pleased that he could make a joke, "On the contrary, I'll ask Takan to order more!" She suddenly remembered Takan had been sent away in anger. "You will forgive him, won't you?" she asked anxiously, "It was all my fault. Takan loves you and would do nothing to hurt you."
"I've forgiven him already," he said, "It's myself I can't forgive."
She went over to him and laid her head on his chest. She felt his arms close round her and she felt safe and secure. She had one last thing to say, which might make him willing to continue their new relationship.
"You've said many times, Akkarin, that what we are to do is very dangerous and you might not survive it. That is true for me too, I shall be fighting alongside you and I, too, might be killed. For the time we have, let us be together, let us be lovers and bring each other what comfort we can."
"Clever, brave and foolish Sonea," he said softly, "You can so easily turn me from my purpose. Yes, then, let us be lovers for as long as we can…"