A/N: Sorry for the delay! This was not the chapter I planned on writing, so no Lori in this one. But she'll be back in the next chapter!
Thank you for your reviews and for reading! Enjoy!
14. Turning Tides
In the short time that it took to walk to Hershel's house, the gravity of reality set in.
Lori was back.
Stripped from my blinding rage, that truth sat bare in the forefront of my mind, weighing heavily. And for the second time that day, I struggled to walk up the steps to the front porch.
I could lose Nugget.
I was already removed from his daily life, which wasn't a decision I made lightly. But now, at the whim of someone who had done nothing more than share her DNA, I was facing the very real possibility of being shut out of his life completely.
I carried him, I gave birth to him, I helped raise him, I loved him with all of my heart, but I could lose him.
I gripped the railing beside me.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Mine.
My grip tightened.
That word...
That feeling...
There it was again, trying to nudge the heaviness of Lori's return to the side.
I shook my head, disagreeing with myself. I was confusing possessiveness with protectiveness. Nugget wasn't mine. Rick wasn't mine.
I'd already gone over this with myself last night when I was on my third or fourth saké. By my fifth or sixth, I'd moved past it.
I was Nugget's Michonne, which he could only pronounce as Muh for now. I was Rick's officially unofficial best friend.
I was ok with that.
Mine meant more. More than Muh. More than officially unofficial best friends.
"No!" I said to myself, shaking my head again. "No."
I was just flustered by Lori's return.
I had to be confusing possessiveness with protectiveness.
Nugget wasn't mine. Rick wasn't mine. I had to be ok with that.
When I heard someone approaching the screen door from inside the house, I stopped my internal discussion.
"Maggie, please," I heard Glenn say in a voice that reflected an uncharacteristic struggle to stay calm.
"But, Glenn, just let me explain again," I heard Maggie plead right before Glenn pushed open the screen door and ran past me down the steps.
Maggie stood statue-still on the porch, watching him walk towards the hay fields. With tears coming very close to pouring from her eyes, she numbly turned around and walked back into the house.
I quickly followed her.
Thoughts about Lori, and thoughts about other things, could be revisited another time.
"He hates me," Maggie whispered, trudging to the couch. "He hates me, and I want to die."
"He doesn't, and you don't," I told her as she sat down.
She stared emptily at the wall on the other side of the room.
I sighed wistfully and took off Glenn's hat and my shades. When I set them on the coffee table, Maggie's eyes were drawn to the hat. She looked at it with a trembling lip before reaching for it and hugging it to her chest.
My heart went out to Gleggie for their loss of what probably would have been a very beautiful privately celebrated moment. They would experience many more beautiful pregnancy-related moments between now and the day baby Gleggie was born, but still, I empathized with Maggie and sympathized with Glenn.
If I had to guess, I'd say that once Maggie caught up to Glenn, her apologies and explanations flowed nonstop. Though I'm sure Glenn didn't doubt the truthfulness of her words, he probably just needed a few minutes of solitude to process how life as he knew it was going to change.
I was about to tell Maggie as much when I heard Nugget's happy squeal come from somewhere inside the house.
Maggie sniffled. "He's in the sun room with Annette," she said glumly, hugging the hat tighter. "You should be with him right now."
I gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze before leaving to find my sunshine.
With every step I took that brought me closer to Nugget, I felt the heaviness of my thoughts clear from my mind. And when I saw him sitting on the floor playing peek-a-boo with Annette, he instantly warmed the part of me that Lori had left cold.
This little boy fed my soul in so many wonderful ways.
"Peeboo!" he shouted, even though Annette's hands were covering her eyes. "Peeboo!" he shouted again when she uncovered them.
Annette saw me leaning in the doorway and smiled. "Still workin' on the concept," she said.
"He's almost got it down," I replied with a small laugh.
At the sound of my voice, Nugget turned towards me and belted out a high-pitched "Muh!"
My heart swelled when he tried to stand up and walk, but his excitement seemed to be throwing off his equilibrium and he couldn't quite get himself upright.
"It's okay, baby, come on," I said encouragingly as I crouched down and held my arms out.
I didn't care if he walked, crawled or rolled to me, I just wanted him in my arms. He let out a frustrated grunt before he gave up on walking and then crawled over to me.
"Nugget!" I cooed as I picked him up.
"Muhmuh!" he screeched before puckering his lips for a kiss.
I would never tire of how enthusiastically he greeted me.
"Here you go," I said, giving him a kiss. "And here's another one," I said, kissing him on his nose. "And another one," I said, kissing him on his cheek. "And a few more just because you are so cute," I said, planting kisses all over his face.
When his laughter died down, I lifted him high in the air.
"Don't you look handsome," I gushed, looking up at him. He was no longer sticky, wet, or covered in frosting, and he was wearing his formal first birthday outfit.
When Rick and I started planning Nugget's birthday, I suggested that he wear his swim trunks for the duration of the party. Rick, however, wanted him dressed in three different outfits: "formal wear" to meet-and-greet guests as they arrived; swim trunks to enjoy party activities; and a tshirt and shorts set to eat lunch and birthday cake.
I thought outfit changes were a bit much for a one-year-old, but I had to admit that Rick picked out a cute formal outfit. He was wearing a white onesie with a bright blue number one on it that matched the color of his eyes. The onesie also came with a blue and white polka dot snap-on bow tie and blue and white striped suspenders that clipped onto his little jean shorts.
"Such a big boy," I told him as I brought him down to give him another kiss.
After I secured him on my hip, I looked over to Annette, who was now standing. "He seems to have come down from his sugar high," I said to her, fully appreciating that he was no longer so jittery.
"We let him loose in the bounce house," she said, grinning. "Glenn had him bouncin' like crazy to burn off some of that energy."
"Thank God," I mumbled.
"I second that," she said with a chuckle as she walked over to us.
"Owcy! Owcy! Owcy!" Nugget yelled gleefully, kicking his little legs back and forth and bouncing against me.
"That's right! Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy!" Annette said to him before tickling his side.
He laughed loudly and then rested his head on my shoulder. When he was distracted by the M charm on my necklace, Annette gave me a piercing look.
"Michonne, what's goin' on?" she asked in a lowered voice. "Hershel and I heard a ruckus, so he left to check on y'all. He hasn't been back. Glenn came rushin' in lookin' shell-shocked. Maggie came rushin' in after him and she was a blubberin' mess. Beth left, but she hasn't come back… What exactly is goin' on out there?"
I held Nugget a little tighter.
"Lor-" I started to say before I stopped.
Speaking her name and the truth that followed was unexpectedly challenging. I took a quick breath.
"LoriGrimesmadeanappearancetoday," I told her, hoping she understood the words that tumbled out because I didn't want to repeat them.
Annette's eyes widened and darted to Nugget and then back to me. "Oh, dear Lord!" she cried out, clutching the lei around her neck.
Seeing and hearing how upset Annette was, Nugget sat up straight and shouted, "Uhoh!"
He was truly concerned for his Peeboo friend, and by the way his little chest was starting to heave, I knew that he was about to express that concern in a very loud way.
"Shh, shh, shhhh," I shushed soothingly, rubbing his back until his heaving started to slow down.
But uhoh, indeed.
Annette, Maggie, and Beth had very similar temperaments, so I expected Annette's indignation to make an appearance any second now.
"She's here?" she asked, turning an angry shade of red. "On my property?!"
"Last I saw, she was leaving," I told her.
And then I remembered why I'd come to the house in the first place.
Hershel! Shotgun! Golf cart!
"Shit!" I exclaimed.
"It!" Nugget shouted.
Oh my God.
"Nugget, no, baby," I said softly.
I had worked so hard to monitor everyone's use of foul language around him, so it was only fitting that I would be the offender who had him shouting shit.
"It! It! It! It! It!" he continued to shout.
I stared at Annette with what was most likely a look of horror on my face.
"My lips are sealed," she said with a twinkle in her eyes.
"It!" Nugget shouted again and then giggled.
"Language, Nugget," I mumbled, giving him a kiss on his forehead. "Annette, Hershel wanted you to bring a shotgun and the golf cart around," I said hastily. "He's out near the barn with Daryl."
Without asking any questions, she stepped away to retrieve a shotgun from their gun safe and the golf cart keys.
The idea of Annette and Hershel driving around the farm in a golf cart, with a shotgun, while wearing Hawaiian attire, should have been amusing, but because of why they were doing it, the most I could muster was a frown. And now that Annette was involved, there was a very strong likelihood that a car window or tire would be shot out if Lori and Mike were still on the premises.
"Michonne," Annette said in a very firm voice as she walked back towards me and Nugget with the shotgun in her hands. "We all know who's done right by Carl. That woman bein' here doesn't change a thing. Don't forget that."
I nodded, mostly because I was too surprised by what she'd said to do anything else.
She looked as if she wanted to say more but wasn't sure if she should. After a few seconds, she decided to speak her mind and carefully rested the shotgun against the wall. She lovingly looked at Nugget, who was back to trying to grab my necklace, and then she gave me a ghost of a smile.
"It wasn't always easy... me steppin' in after Hershel's first wife passed. Maggie was fourteen and little Bethy was just ten. The girls were so angry, and so sad, and so confused," she said in a hushed voice. "We struggled... We struggled for a long time before we were able to look at each other and treat other as a family. But I love those girls with all of my heart. There's nuthin' I wouldn't do for either of them."
I nodded again, this time because I understood the love she felt for the children who weren't biologically hers.
"They know I'd never try to take the place of their mother," she continued. "But those girls are my daughters, too. No one will ever convince me otherwise."
She cupped my cheek and looked at me intently.
"You and me? Our situations are different, but they boil down to the same thing. So that woman bein' here, that changes nuthin'. Don't forget that," she repeated firmly.
"I won't," I whispered.
"Good," she said, letting go of my cheek to pat my arm. "If you ever need to talk, mother to mother, I'm here. And now that Maggie's joinin' the club..." she rolled her eyes dramatically and made the sign of the cross. "God help us all."
Her words catapulted me into shock. Mother to mother.
"See ya soon, little guy," she said to Nugget, jiggling his foot.
He waved bye-bye and then covered one of his eyes with his hand. "Peeboo!" he shouted.
Annette smiled broadly at him before stepping away, but I pulled her back for a hug.
"Thank you, Annette," I said, hearing my voice crack with emotion. "For the second time today..."
I wasn't sure how best to express what the tea from this morning and what her company at this moment meant to me, but they meant the world.
She pulled away to look at me.
"Ah, yes… You don't have hangover face anymore. And now Hershel owes me a dollar," she said with a wink before picking up the shotgun and heading for the front door.
It sounded like she and Maggie exchanged words on her way out, but I couldn't make out anything except for Maggie groaning before everything was quiet again.
I walked deeper into the sun room, enjoying the embrace of the sun's rays.
Mother to mother.
I swayed with Nugget for a few minutes before he started to squirm. He pushed against me with both of his hands and leaned back to look at me.
"Lo mirt dree sho sha?" he asked with wide blue eyes.
Not one of his words of gibberish was recognizable, but he looked at me as if what he asked was very important and required an answer.
I smiled at him. My love for this precious little boy ran so deep. Everything about him owned my heart, including the parts of him that screamed he was a part of her... The straight hair, the freckles, the little indent in his chin, his apparent non-bowlegedness.
No, I wasn't going to lose Nugget.
Although DNA made him hers, everything that I'd given him and would continue to give him made him… a very, very important and vital part of my life.
He cocked his head and looked at me, similar to the way that his father often did, and waited for me to respond.
"Yes," I said confidently, hoping that was the right answer.
He gurgled happily, rested his head back on my shoulder, and put his thumb in his mouth.
"Do you know that the day you were born was the scariest day of my life?" I whispered to him, resting my head against his. "It was also the happiest, Carl. It was the day you became my little nugget of joy. No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always. Ok?"
He continued to suck his thumb.
"Ok," I whispered with a smile, walking back to the front room to check on Maggie.
She was lying face-down on the couch with an arm and a leg hanging down onto the floor.
"Maggie?" I called out, amazed by how dramatic she managed to make most situations.
"Gam!" Nugget shouted.
When she didn't respond, I walked over to her and sat Nugget on her back.
"Gam! Gam! Gam!" he yelled, bouncing up and down.
"What?" she groaned into the couch.
"You should join me and Nugget in the kitchen," I told her, picking Nugget up.
"But Glenn," she whined, turning her head towards us. "When he comes back-"
"You'll only be in the kitchen, Maggie. Up. Now," I ordered.
She sighed heavily, but slowly rose from the couch. Not trusting that she wouldn't just plop back down, I waited for her to start walking and then followed behind her. After we entered the kitchen, she headed straight for the refrigerator.
I sat down at the table with Nugget in my lap, flexing my slapping hand. The throbbing was getting worse. I planned on putting ice on it, but I liked the reminder of how hard I had slapped Mike.
I also felt like I deserved the pain.
Mike was the reason why Lori was here. Not a crisis of conscience. Not deep-seeded remorse. Not love. He brought her back. I suspected I knew the why behind what he had done, but I would never give Mike Anthony the chance to explain it to me.
And I would never forgive myself for allowing him to bring this catastrophic level of havoc into our lives.
"Michonne, I need this," Maggie said in a confrontational tone while sliding a sheet cake onto the table.
I side-eyed her for interrupting my thoughts and then looked at the cake. The white frosting was decorated with confetti sprinkles and the word "Happy" was written out with orange frosting in a large, swirly font. The irony of Maggie wanting to eat such a cheerful cake when the day had taken such a dark turn was not lost on me.
She stood next to the table with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed, silently questioning if we were about to argue about eating this cake. She had absolutely nothing to worry about.
I remembered pregnancy cravings; I would never argue with a pregnant lady over a craving. Besides that, I really needed something sweet and comforting to settle my own nerves. I preferred a Big Kat, but birthday cake would do in a pinch.
"I'm pretty sure 'Happy' is the chocolate cake with the buttercream frostin'," Maggie said in a less aggressive tone. "And we still have two more cakes—the '1st Birthday' and 'Carl' cakes," she continued. "We can just add an apostrophe S to the 'Carl' cake if-"
"Mag, I'm sold," I told her. "We both need this."
Relief exploded across her face. "Are we eatin' civilized or diggin' in with our hands?" she asked.
As terrible as the morning had been, I didn't think we were at such a low point that we couldn't be bothered with forks.
"Let's start out civilized and see where the day take us," I suggested.
"I can do civilized," she said, walking to the silverware drawer. "And FYI, if Rick gets pissed, I'm tellin' him I had your blessin'."
Rick wasn't going to be upset about us eating the cake. Because of Lori and Mike's antics, I knew the party would be canceled.
"Muhmuh!" Nugget cried out frantically, looking at the cake that his hands couldn't reach. When he started trying to climb onto the table to get to it, I tightened my hold on him.
He looked back at me with an adorable little pout, mirroring yet another expression of his father's. I felt his pain. I knew all too well the frustration of being held back from the one thing in the world you wanted to tear in to the most. But Rick hadn't seen him in his formal wear yet, so I didn't want Nugget getting messy with cake.
"Is there a bib in here?" I asked Maggie.
"I think there is," she said, looking around.
While she searched for one, Nugget started grunting his frustration over his inability to get to the cake.
"Mmmhmm," Maggie hummed as she opened a drawer. "Told you he got his hangry from you."
I rolled my eyes.
I also swallowed the hangry demand I was about to make for her to light a fire under her ass in finding that bib so that we could start eating.
"Muh!" Nugget impatiently screamed, hitting his hands against my arm.
"Carl!" I said in a sharp tone that instantly made him stop.
He let out another frustrated grunt and then looked back at me. The scrunch of his face and the rise and fall of his chest told me that he was very close to a meltdown.
"Don't worry about the bib," I said to Maggie.
"You sure?" she asked.
"Positive. I'll just take his outfit off. Now bring those forks over here!"
"I mean are you sure you want him to eat cake? He got a little crazy just eatin' frostin'," she said, sitting in the chair across from me.
That was true. But it was his birthday—he was entitled to his own birthday cake. Plus, I did not have the energy to deal with a tantrum right now. I'd just deal with the sugar high consequences later.
"What's a little more crazy added to today?" I asked her.
Once I had Nugget down to his diaper, I sat him on the table close to one end of the cake. He immediately attacked it. Maggie and I saluted each other with our forks before we started attacking our own sides.
Outside of the occasional "mmm" from Nugget, Maggie and I sat in silence, reliving our personal nightmares from earlier.
I replayed the moment when I first saw Lori's face. She'd always been the all bones, no body type of thin, but her face seemed fuller since the last time I'd seen her. She still had those barely there lips though. And she was still trying to pull off bangs.
I stabbed my fork into the cake.
"Glenn does hate me," Maggie said quietly.
"That's what he said?" I asked, shaking off my memory of Lori.
I knew full well that Glenn had not told Maggie he hated her. In no universe would Glenn Rhee ever tell Maggie Greene that he hated her.
"No, but he won't talk to me," she whined as she loaded her fork with more cake.
I waited for her to finish eating her forkful so that we could continue talking. But after she swallowed, she ate another forkful. When she went for another forkful after that, I intervened.
"Forks down," I ordered.
She pouted, but she put her fork down.
"He's gonna leave me," she said heavyheartedly, swiping her finger through frosting. "Probably for some not pregnant chick who always knows how to use her words."
Nugget, who noticed that I was no longer eating, held out one of his cake-covered hands to me.
"No, thank you," I told him sweetly.
I was thoroughly charmed by his thoughtfulness but also glad that I'd taken his outfit off. Most of his body was already covered in cake.
"Let's look at this from Glenn's perspective," I said to Maggie, redirecting my attention to her.
She picked up her fork and waited for me to continue.
"He just found out that he's going to be a father. That alone is a lot to take in," I noted.
"True," she agreed, eating more cake.
"And not only did he find out that he's going to be a father, he found out in front of your father," I added.
She chewed slowly. "True," she agreed.
"And on top of that, he found out in front of all of us that he wasn't the first to find out that he's going to be a father."
Maggie swallowed and then stared at me.
"Is this where you tell me 'I told you so'?" she asked, eyes flashing.
"No, Maggie. This is where I tell you that that's a lot to digest. Give him some time and space to digest it," I said gently. "He doesn't hate you. He's just digesting."
"You really don't think he hates me?" she asked, raising her eyebrows hopefully.
"I really don't," I told her.
She let out a breath and smiled brightly at me. And then she jumped up from her chair and ran to the bathroom.
Nugget waved bye-bye to her.
"She'll be back, sweetie," I told him. "I think baby Gleggie is just making something come up... or out."
"Mmm," he said, reaching for more cake.
When Maggie returned, she looked annoyed. "A lot of peein' is involved with bein' pregnant," she complained.
I laughed. "That only gets worse, Mag," I warned her. "And then when you don't have to worry about your pee anymore, you have to worry about your baby's."
She groaned and sat down. When she looked at me again, she had tears in her eyes.
"Thank you, Michonne," she said with heartfelt emotion. "I know you have your own stuff to deal with right now."
When tears started rolling down her cheeks, I got up to give her a hug.
"Don't," she said, stopping me. "I'll c-c-cry even more if you h-h-hug me. Just give m-m-me a second."
I respected her request and sat back down. While she sobbed, I watched Nugget eat cake. He really had a terrible cake eating technique. He'd grab a handful, squeeze most of it out of his hand while bringing it to his mouth, mostly miss his mouth, and then go for more cake.
He did offer a cake-covered hand to Maggie, but that just made her cry harder.
When her tears finally stopped, she looked at me with red eyes and a red nose.
"Thank you again," she said, sniffling.
"You're welcome, Maggie. You know your stuff is my stuff."
"I know," she said gratefully, picking up her fork and eyeing the cake. "And thank you for body slammin' that bitch."
She said the last part so casually that it took a second for her statement to register.
"Language!" I said to her when it did.
"Sorry," she said with a mouth full of cake. "Sorry, Carl," she said to him.
Nugget giggled and put his hand in the cake.
"Will bee-yatch work?" she asked me.
"No," I said. "And don't tell Rick I said no. And stop using uh-sole."
She laughed. "What about ho?"
I shook my head no.
"Skank?"
I gave her a look.
"Cow?" she asked desperately.
Before I could respond, Nugget shouted "Moo!"
I smiled at how utterly adorable he was. Then I said a silent prayer that the baby gibberish versions of bitch, bee-yatch, ho, and skank wouldn't come out of his mouth today.
"So then cow works?" Maggie asked impatiently. "Because I'm runnin' out of female dog replacements."
Even though cow was a harmless word, using it in a derogatory way to discuss Lori in front of Nugget didn't feel right. So I did the most sensible thing I could think of...
I picked Nugget up, sat him in my lap, pulled the cake close enough for him to be able to reach it, and covered his ears with my hands.
"Please continue," I said to Maggie, ignoring the ache in my slapping hand. "Unfiltered."
Her eyes lit up.
"I was just thankin' you for body slammin' that bitch," she said. "The fight was over! Who pushes someone from behind after the fight is over? What happened to decency and honor in fightin'?"
"Welcome to Lori Grimes' world," I told her. "Where decency and honor do not exist."
"No good, dirty-fightin' bitch," Maggie muttered.
I didn't disagree.
"And why didn't I go with a drop kick instead of a hair pull?" she asked herself. "What was I thinkin'?"
"Don't feel too bad," I told her, reveling in the memory of Beth hurling herself at Lori.
"Why? What? Tell me!" she demanded.
"Your baby sister tackled the hell out of Lori," I said with glee.
"What!" Maggie squealed.
"She did," I said, laughing. "Rick pulled her off before she could do anything else. But that tackle? It. Was. Awesome."
Maggie beamed with pride. "Go, Bethy! And good luck to Rick tryin' to calm her ass down. Even I don't bother with Beth when she's in tackle mode."
I held in a groan. Nugget and chocolate cake had gone a long way in making me feel better, but I needed Rick. I still wasn't ok with Lori being here, and I really needed to be not ok with him.
"Wait, why'd Beth tackle Lori?" Maggie asked, frowning. "Did Lori say somethin' to her?"
"Calm down, Maggie. That tackle was all for you," I told her. "By the way, Beth knows you're pregnant."
She smiled and became teary-eyed again.
"Michonne, I just want you to know that my baby comes first from here on out. While I'm pregnant, you won't have to worry about me fightin' again."
I raised an eyebrow.
"What?" she asked.
"Just while you're pregnant?"
She shrugged. "Once the baby's here, I have a score to settle. And I will find Lori Grimes to settle it."
I had no qualms with that.
"Fucking Lori Grimes," I muttered.
"Basic, Olive Oyl-lookin' bitch," Maggie muttered.
Convinced that we'd moved past all of the colorful language, I uncovered Nugget's ears. He looked back at me, put his hands over his ears, and shouted "Peeboo!"
I could only shake my head when I saw the cake he left in his hair after he removed his hands.
"Is your wrist ok?" I asked Maggie, noticing the scratches Lori left.
"Yeah, I've had worse. She scratches like a child," she said in annoyance. "And your hand? What happened there?"
"Mike," I said flatly.
"So was that Panty Man? Here with Lori?" she asked.
I nodded. Maggie was going to want details, but I didn't care to discuss Mike Anthony any further.
"Ok," Maggie said, understanding that Mike was not going to be a topic of discussion. "Well you need to put somethin' on your hand. We have instant cold packs and ice. What's your pleasure?"
"Sit down," I told her after she stood up. "I'll get something in a minute, Mag."
I appreciated her concern, and I didn't mean to be rude, but I just wasn't ready to give up the pain. Maggie wasn't happy with my response, but she sat back down.
"You really should put somethin' on that soon," she said, looking at my hand.
I looked away from her and nodded.
"Michonne?" she asked after a brief silence. "Why do you think she's here? What do you think she wants?"
I sighed and looked down at Nugget, who was now more interested in mashing the cake with his hands than trying to eat it.
"I don't know," I said, pushing the cake out of his reach. "I don't know what selfish motivation brought her back, and I don't care. But never in my life have I been so determined to protect someone that I love, and that's exactly what I intend to do."
She looked at me for a beat before saying anything.
"You're talkin' about Carl?" she asked slowly.
"Of course," I said, confused by the question.
She stared at me.
I stared back at her.
"And what about Rick?" she asked.
Warmth flooded my face.
"What about Rick?" I asked.
She stared at me.
I stared back at her.
She narrowed her eyes at me.
I forced myself not to look away.
"Glenn says I should stay out of it, but seriously, Michonne, you and Rick need to shit or get off the pot."
"It!" Nugget shouted, throwing his hands up.
Shit.
"Nugget, no. That's a bad word," I said sternly.
Although truthfully, as much as I was bothered by his outburst, I also appreciated the distraction it provided.
"It!" he shouted again, looking back at me with a huge smile.
"You see, Maggie? This is exactly why-"
"Uh uh. Don't even try it. Annette told me he got S-H-I-T from you," she said with a smirk. "And I'm sorry for sayin' it in front of him, but don't change the subject."
Before she could continue with her line of questioning, we heard someone open the screen door and enter the house.
"Maggie? Michonne?" Beth called out.
Maggie's face lit up. "Bethy!" she screamed, jumping up from her chair and running to the front room.
I kissed Nugget on top of his head.
"No more 'it', Nugget," I whispered to him. "Especially not in front of daddy."
"Dadu?" Nugget asked excitedly.
"Yes, I think daddy's finally here!" I told him, feeling as excited as he looked.
Maggie and Beth walked arm in arm into the kitchen with identical smiles on their faces, but I was taken aback by Beth's overall appearance. One of her braids was unraveled, her overalls were dirty, and one of her knees was badly scraped.
"Eht!" Nugget cheered.
"Hi, cutie!" Beth said with an even bigger smile.
I stared at her knee, trying not to gag.
"It's fine, Michonne. I've had worse," she said with a shrug. "And anyways, it was worth it."
When she saw the remains of the cake on the table, her eyes bulged. "You pigs!" she shouted, looking at me and then Maggie. "You ate birthday cake without me?"
"Baby mama drama over there and single mama drama over here," Maggie pouted. "It couldn't be helped."
"What's she talkin' about?" Beth asked me.
"Well, according to your sister, she wants to die, Glenn hates her, and he's leaving her for a thin and chatty young lady," I explained. "Does that cover everything, Mag?"
"It does," she whispered, plopping down into her chair at the table.
"That's stupid, Maggie," Beth said loudly, rolling her eyes.
"You're stupid, Beth," Maggie retorted, narrowing her eyes.
"No, I'm an aunty! And you're gonna be a mom!" Beth shrieked. "Congratulations, sis!" she said, hugging Maggie tightly and giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"Thanks, Bethy," Maggie grinned.
Their sisterly bond was very endearing, but I was concerned that Rick had not yet walked into the kitchen.
"Beth, where's Rick?" I asked.
"He said he needed a minute before he came in," she said, pulling out the chair next to Maggie. "He got a call or somethin'."
I rolled my eyes.
Fucking Lori Grimes.
I would just have to wait patiently for him to get off the phone with her and then join us in the kitchen.
"And everything's ok between the two of you?" I asked Beth.
"Yeah. Deputy Grimes and I had a nice long chat," she said somberly. "You know? I used to think Rick was kinda hot. But after that lecture he just gave me? I don't think so. No offense, Michonne."
"No offense taken," I said with a laugh, standing up. "Maggie, will you watch him? Clean him up?" I asked, handing Nugget to her.
"You know I will," she said, making a funny face for him.
My patience had worn thin. I was tired of waiting for Rick so I was going to find him.
Thankfully, he wasn't hard to find.
He was sitting on the top step of the porch stairs, but I could tell that something was wrong. He didn't react to the screen door opening or closing. He didn't react to the sound of my footsteps behind him. He didn't react to me sitting down next to him.
I observed the hard set of his jaw and his heavy breathing while he stared with laser-like focus at his wedding ring.
"Rick," I said softly, lightly bumping his shoulder and hoping to break him out of his trance.
He turned his head and looked at me in surprise, as if I had just materialized out of thin air.
"Hey," he whispered.
"Hey," I whispered back.
His glance swept over me, taking in the cake that Nugget had smeared on my chest and neck.
"You're covered in cake," he said with a half smile.
I looked down at myself. "Yeah, I guess I am," I said, smiling.
"Did Carl at least eat any or did you hog it all?"
I gave Rick a look.
"Richard Arthur Grimes, do you honestly think I'm covered in cake because I'm that messy of an eater?"
"I've seen you eat cake before, Michonne. So, yes?"
"Anyways," I said with a playful eye roll. "All of this is Nugget's work."
"Uh huh. Sure it is," he said, smiling fully.
I bumped his shoulder again, and he bumped mine back. But once he looked away from me, I felt the vibe between us change.
"I think I just broke my phone," he said with frustration in his voice. "Lori called. Said she was goin' home."
For a moment, a very triumphant moment, I thought home meant wherever Lori had been hiding out for the last year. But when Rick looked at me with anger simmering in his eyes, I knew that home meant his house.
"Legally, she has every right to be there," he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Her name's on all the paperwork. I never changed the locks."
I wanted to remind Rick that I had divorce attorney contacts who could make what was legally theirs either solely his or solely hers, but the ball was in his court to ask me for a contact.
"So you threw your phone?" I asked him instead.
"Yeah, I threw it. But threw it, threw it. Hail Mary, quarterback style," he said, looking off in the direction he must have thrown his phone.
I'd seen Rick devastated, depressed, distraught, and delusional over the last year, but this was the first time that I'd seen him express any anger towards Lori. This was huge for him. It was a long overdue moment for both of us really.
So it was a shame that I wasn't able to better control myself.
Maybe I was just reacting to the stress of the day, but I found it hilarious that Lori was so aggravating that she'd driven another person to destroy a cell phone. I found it even more hilarious that Rick couldn't manage to throw and break his phone like a normal pissed off person.
I tried to hold the laugh in, but I gave up and let it out.
"Stop looking at me like that, Rick," I panted once my fit of laughter passed.
He was not amused. At all.
"Sorry," I said, wiping tears from my eyes. "Temporary insanity."
I felt awful for my display of insensitivity, but he would laugh with me over this one day.
"So much for no drama today," he said dismally.
Quite a few of us had missed the no drama memo, although showing up hungover paled in comparison to showing up in the way that Lori had.
"How's your hand?" Rick asked.
I looked at him, wondering how he knew that I slapped Mike.
"Ran into Daryl when I was walkin' back to the house with Beth," he explained. "Heard it was one helluva slap."
I rolled my eyes. "Of course he would find a way to tell you something two seconds after it happened. I swear I wish one of you had been born a girl."
A smile brightened his eyes but it was was quickly replaced with concern.
"How's your hand, Michonne?"
"Its fine," I told him.
He looked at me with "liar" written all over his face.
"You're going to stop calling me a liar, Rick Grimes," I said, giving him a threatening look. "That's twice today."
"You're gonna need to stop shamin' your profession and learn how to lie then," he replied.
"Back to the lying lawyer jokes, huh? Do I make donut jokes?"
He looked at me as if I was crazy. "You made donut jokes all throughout my Academy training. And my probationary period. And my first year as a sheriff's deputy," he said. "Now let me see your hand."
"So bossy," I told him as I held it out.
He gently took my hand in both of his and started massaging my thumb, then each finger, and then my palm before returning to my thumb and starting over. Rick's touch was amazingly soothing, but I pulled my hand away from his.
I didn't deserve to be soothed.
"Did I hurt you?" he asked, watching as I clenched and unclenched my hand.
I shook my head slowly. "No, you didn't."
After a few moments of silence, he gently took my hand again and resumed the massage. "Michonne, you know that what Panty Man did today isn't your fault, right?"
I didn't answer him.
"Michonne?"
I sighed. "Maybe not completely, Rick, but some of the fault does lie with me."
I could see that he disagreed with me, but I didn't give him the opportunity to tell me why.
"I was sitting at that bar last night thinking about whether being happy enough with Mike would work," I told him. "And at some point, I told myself that it would. But the thing about self-deception is that your head and your heart are always at odds. Telling myself that Mike was enough didn't stop me from feeling so overwhelmingly sad and guilty about the choice I was making."
Rick, completely engrossed by what I was saying, had stopped massaging my hand, although he still held it.
"Why did you feel so sad and guilty?" he asked quietly, looking at my hand.
I swallowed hard.
"Why doesn't matter," I said, pulling my hand from his again. "The fact that I even felt those things was reason enough for me to end the relationship. I should have ended it. Maybe he wouldn't have followed through with bringing Lori here today."
"I don't think that matters, Michonne. He had a plan."
"Then I should have ended it sooner," I argued.
"Stop. You don't get to blame yourself for what happened today," he said, putting his arm around my shoulders. "Nobody blames you."
He wrapped his other arm around my waist and hugged me. "I don't blame you," he whispered into my ear.
No matter what Rick said, I still felt partly responsible for what happened today. I always would.
For the next few minutes, Rick kept his arms around me and we enjoyed a companionable silence. Regrettably, I was going to break it. Our conversation was going to eventually work itself back to Lori, so now was as good a time as any to bring her up.
Before summoning the darkness that seemed to loom over us when we discussed her, I took a moment to savor the feel of Rick's arms around me. It would be so easy to snuggle into him and shut everything out for a little while longer, but I couldn't do that.
"She's back," I said, feeling Rick's body tense.
He let out a slow breath.
"She is," he said emotionlessly, removing his arms from around me.
And the darkness started to creep in.
Rick twisted his wedding ring around his finger with a pensive look on his face.
"I need to talk to her," he said, looking at me.
"Should have thought about that before you threw your phone," I quipped.
"I meant in person, Michonne."
"Yeah, I know," I said with a sigh.
I nervously clutched the M charm on my necklace, not caring that Nugget had left it sticky.
"I have questions," he said. "Thangs I need to say to her."
Of course he had questions. Of course he wanted to talk to her. That didn't surprise me. But the thought of them being alone together was unsettling.
I felt my heart start to race.
"So what are you going to do, Rick? She's probably making herself pretty cozy at the house. Are you just going to casually stroll in? Have a friendly chat over a home-cooked meal? Reminisce about old times? Forgive and forget?"
He squinted at me like I had lost my mind. "That's not exactly how I pictured it, but yeah, I'm gonna head over to the house and talk to her. You have a problem with that approach?" he asked.
"Yeah, I do," I said. "Maybe you shouldn't be so accommodating, Rick."
"Ok, then what scenario would make you happy, Michonne? I can't kick her out, so should I bring Beth with me and let her finish what she started? That doesn't solve anythang. And that doesn't get me any answers about why she left or why she's here now."
Unable to sit still, I stood up and jogged down the steps.
"Do what you need to do," I said when I looked up at him from the bottom of the stairs. "Just don't be so fucking naive about it."
"And now I'm bein' naive?" he asked, offended by my words.
"She's here to claim what she thinks is hers, Rick. If you really think she's just here to give you answers, then yes, you're being naive. If you really think that answers are all you want from her, then yes, you're being naive," I said, crossing my arms. I felt my anger bubbling, but I didn't care. "And just because you were angry for like two seconds for the first time IN A YEAR, let's not forget that you are still the same person who made excuse after excuse for her. The same person who fell apart over her. The same person who couldn't even take care of our son because of her!"
Rick gave me a squint and head tilt combo before I turned my back on him.
Breathe.
I hadn't meant to attack him, but I was afraid. I was afraid that once Lori had Rick alone, she would use their for better or for worse, in good times and bad vows against him and suck him back in. He was just figuring out his worth without her. Nugget didn't even know her. She didn't deserve them, and they deserved so much better.
I felt a tug on my hand and realized that Rick was standing next to me. I turned to face him, dreading a fight, but the calm in his eyes put me at ease.
"Michonne, when I used to think about this day—Carl's first birthday—it was always with mixed emotions," he said. "It's the anniversary of his birth and of you givin' birth to him, which is everythang, but it's also the anniversary of Lori leavin'."
"I get it, Rick," I said, already knowing that Nugget's birthday would be bittersweet for him.
"No, Michonne, you don't," he replied, shaking his head. "Today, I didn't have mixed emotions. It didn't feel like some big tragedy that Lori wasn't here. You, Daryl, Gleggie, the Greenes have surrounded Carl with so much love—not just today, but for the past year. And there's a guest list full of people who were plannin' on bein' here to celebrate how much they love him too. So when I woke up this mornin', I didn't feel any sadness over Lori not bein' here."
I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I searched his eyes, looking for signs of a lie. I found none.
"Seein' Lori was a shock. Knowin' that she ruined what we all worked so hard to create for him today…" his eyes darkened and the veins in his neck started popping before he let out a deep breath. "Whatever you think is gonna happen between me and her, it's not, Michonne. Yesterday, I said I didn't know how I'd feel if she popped up today. I know now."
He cupped my cheeks with his hands.
"I know now," he repeated, looking deeply into my eyes. "I'm gonna talk to Lori. If you wanna fight about that, I understand. If you're still mad at me for other thangs and wanna fight about that, I understand. But can I get a rain check on the fight? Because we've had kind of a crazy day, and I really, really need you right now."
Mine.
"Ok," I whispered, too shocked by what Rick just said to acknowledge the thought I just had.
"Are we gonna have a problem when I go talk to her?"
"No, Rick," I answered.
"But?" he asked.
"But... just don't talk to her today," I said. "She made Nugget's actual birth day about her. Today can't be about her too. It has to be about Nugget. Can we do that? Make the rest of today about him?"
His eyes roamed my face. "We can do that," he said.
"Then I'm with you," I told him. "And I will issue you that rain check."
"Of course you will," he said quietly, smiling and staring at my lips.
I pulled away from him, but I took his hand and led him back up to the top step.
"What do you want to do about this party, Rick?" I asked after we sat down. "Guests will probably start arriving soon."
"Daryl's on it. He's makin' phone calls and lettin' people know the party's canceled," he said. "Hershel and Annette are turnin' anyone away if they get here before Daryl gets in touch with 'em. We just need to figure out what to do with everythang we set up."
"Maybe we can reschedule instead of flat out cancel?" I suggested.
"Maybe," he said. "We'll figure it out."
"Hey, are you two done out here?" Maggie asked, opening the screen door. "This little guy is bein' a stinker and only wants his Dadu and Muhmuh."
"Dadu!" Nugget shouted.
"Hey, son!" Rick said with joy, taking him from Maggie.
All traces of cake were gone, and he was once again looking dapper in his birthday outfit.
"Look at you, buddy," Rick said, grinning and admiring him in his outfit.
Maggie handed me an ice pack, which I gratefully accepted. Before she headed back inside the house, I noticed her look in the direction of the hay fields for Glenn.
I caught her eye and mouthed "Digesting" to her.
She mouthed "Shit or get off the pot" to me.
"Ok, bye, Maggie," I said dismissively as she went back into the house.
"What do you think?" Rick asked, bumping my shoulder with his. "You, me, Carl, your couch, and the Bubble Guppies?"
I smiled. "How about this? First we find your phone, then we make sure everything is squared away here, then we pack up some birthday cake, and then we spend the rest of the day on my couch with the Bubble Guppies."
"Sounds like a plan," he said. "Does that sound like a plan, Carl?"
"It!" Nugget shouted.
Oh my God.
"Which direction did you throw your phone, Rick?" I asked, pretending not to have heard Nugget.
"That way. Towards the hay fields," he said.
"Where the hay is knee high?" I asked in disbelief.
He gave me a sheepish look and shrugged.
"Why wouldn't you just throw the phone down, Rick?"
"I'm sorry, Michonne. I'm not as skilled in the art of phone throwin' as you," he deadpanned.
"You know what this means though, right?" I asked, ignoring his comment. "If your phone is broken or we just can't find it, you can finally upgrade!"
He gave me an unimpressed look.
"Wireless charging! A 12 mega-pixel camera! 4 gigabytes of RAM!" I said excitedly. "We can finally play Words with Friends!"
He squinted at me. "I don't understand anythang you just said. And anyways, when I got my last refurbished phone it was a buy one get three free special. I already have a backup phone."
He laughed when all I could do was stare at him. "Don't look at me like that, Michonne."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to get Maggie and Beth to help us find your phone. And hand the baby over," I demanded, holding my arms out to him. "I don't want him exposed to your flip phone insanity while I'm gone."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said as he handed Nugget to me.
"Don't worry. I still love you in spite of your shortcomings," I joked.
"Love you, too, Michonne," he said softly as I walked into the house.
Hi again! So I got held up with this chapter because of Rick. I had three different ways I could write him (hulking out angry, misdirecting anger angry, and the version you just read), but each version affected how I wrote Beth and Michonne, so there were a lot of rewrites.
I think Michonne and Rick are in a good place for what's to come in the next chapter though!