I recently sent off my documents and application forms for my mission. To clarify, in about six weeks or so, I'll get a letter through the door telling me where and when I'm going, and at that point, I'll announce it on my profile and I won't be writing anything for another two years.

Yes, that's right. Once I get that letter, I won't post anything for another two years. So, for the past few weeks, I've been focusing on getting my other ideas cemented as my property, IE Shinji-108 and Arrangements Shall Be Made, and also completing my long-runner fic, Pokémon, Lelouch of the Rebellion. The 49th and 50th chapters have been written, and they're undergoing severe editing and finalisation, and they should be out by the end of the week.

This means that I've been neglecting Time Paradox. This is because we intend to make this a serious long-runner, but we will never finish it before I set off. This means that you won't get any Time Paradox for two years.

This would be wrong and an insult.

Now, to help you all understand, I don't do Time Paradox on my own. It's a collaboration between myself and Ravenwingcorps, and he works and goes to university, whereas all I'm doing is sitting around the house studying for my mission, walking the dog, doing odd jobs and writing.

And we apologise for the massive wait since the last chapter, which is why I'm doing this explanation. I had no idea that the last time this story updates was at the start of the 50 chapter story I just finished.

That was wrong and completely rude of me. RWC asked me over and over again when we were going to make some headway on Time Paradox, but he had a damned good reason to push me.

On top of that, I've been doing dark, serious epic for so long, I'd lost my funny bone. I have, however, taken steps to regrow it.

Now, a note about Dio. Chapter 13 was BEFORE Dio's death, we decided to mourn for him at the start of this chapter. As it's coming so late however, there's little point in reopening old wounds. We're leaving a note here though, since it affects plot slightly.

In the previous note, I said that this would be a long-ass chapter. Well, I decided, no. Here's something that, while not that funny in itself, is something to get you going and let you catch up. Chapter 15 will be out soon, and will be funny as hell. This is me transitioning from dark, through to crazy awesome, and next chapter, full-on comedy should be back in full swing.

Don't blame me. I sent him the script for this about a month ago. SamJaz was the one who refused to get off his lazy ass and do it.

I didn't realise how long it'd been! Anyway, Shut up!

Meh.

For now, we'll go to Cosmo Canyon.

The Day The Author Got Back To Work

So, here I am on a cliff's edge with Elfé watching Barret walk up to Dyne.

"So, what do you think he'll be like?" I asked her.

"Who, Dyne?" Elfé asked. "From what I heard, he's pretty well balanced, though that's obviously out the window."

I nodded. "Any guesses on what kind of crazy?" I asked. Honestly, I felt for Barret here, but this timeline has really done a number on my judge of character. I'm thinking of starting a bingo game... "One hundred gil says that he acts like a pirate."

Elfé hushed me as Barret reached the clearing where Dyne was stood.

"I knew you'd come." Dyne said, turning to Barret. "If I framed you for the murders, then you'd come."

"Many that live deserve death." Barret said in response. "And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?" he asked, raising his gun-arm. "No? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends."

Woah, serious Barret is serious.

But Dyne just laughed.

"I can." He said. "Meteor comes, but Holy stops it, taking the lives of so many people with it."

Nyeh?

"I caught you by the leg." Barret said. "Drop the bucket."

Dyne smiled, tossing the metal barrel around his left hand to the floor to reveal an uzi in it.

He then lifted his trouser leg and kicked off a boot, revealing a machine gun that was attached to his knee.

"Didn't see that coming." Elfé admitted.

"I thought he had a peg leg from his posture." I muttered. "Anyway, something's happening."

Barret slammed his hand into the ground, bringing up a stone plinth and then rested his gun arm on it. "We settle this like men." He said.

"Indeed." Dyne said, walking towards him. "Russian-Janken-Wrestling."

"What the hell is that?" I hissed as Dyne slammed his gun-leg onto the plinth.

"Russian-roulette while arm-wrestling and playing rock-paper-scissors." Elfé replied. "I don't understand the rules, but it's kinda like yahtzee-waldo-risk."

I have no idea how this'll turn out, but it sounds interesting, because right now, machinegun leg is pushing against Gatling gun arm while both fire rapidly.

"There's something I need to tell you!" Dyne shouted amongst the gunfire. "This is all a virtual reality created by an organisation named Square! I see how the story ends! No matter what happens, you gotta-!"

STAB

Oh hell no.

"Oh, we can't be having any spoilers now, can we?" Unit Zero asked, arm through Dyne's chest as he slammed another hand onto Dyne's head, then pushed the hand through his skull.

Dyne's head exploded like a watermelon from a sudden increase of arm.

"Oh, now that's very interesting." Unit Zero chuckled as he incinerated what was left of Dyne's body, destroying any chance we had of reviving him and hearing whatever nutjob theories he might have. "He doesn't know the future… he knows your past."

Zero's masked face turned to look at us.

"What do you cherish most, Cloud?" He asked. "Your Sephiroth never got to take everything from you like she did me."

Shit.

Barret roared and slammed into the monster, pushing both Zero and himself over the edge of the chasm.

"BARRET!" I shouted as he grabbed the cliff ledge.

He looked right at us.

"Fly you fools." He whispered, before letting go and falling with Unit Zero, firing his gun as he fell.

We moved back to the party slowly.

Barret…

There was no way…

I slammed a fist into a wall, knocking the flimsy structure down. "Dammit…" I whispered as it all came flooding back.

Aeris.

Zack.

Kadaj.

And now, Barret.

I can't save anyone.

"DAMMIT!" I shouted, pounding the earth. "USELESS!"

"C-Cloud..?" Elfé whispered, tugging my shoulder and pointing forwards.

I looked up.

Barret was there.

Unconscious, but unharmed.

There was a note attached to his chest.

- I see you Cloud. But you don't see Sephy. -

SHIT.

We ran straight to the team, but they were fine.

Everyone was fine.

Sephy was curled up in a corner with a headache, but everyone was fine.

I wasn't in the mood for any chocobo racing.

Don't get me wrong, I love chocobos. Hell, I'm a fantastic breeder and racer, it's just right now?

Yeah, nothing doing.

Thankfully, Yuffie and Cait Sith used their Shinra connections to get us out of there. I made a point of picking up the Ramuh summon on the way through the place as I saw the girl that was my manager last time dressed in red dungarees run over a bridge over lava, slide under a dragon, grab an axe and cut through the chain holding the bridge up. The dragon fell into the lava, and she made out with a pink-clad jockey.

That's probably the reason why I wasn't paying attention and we got led into Dio's office for a meeting with the TURKS.

He's dead by the way. Partied too hard, though the doctors blamed Stomach Cancer.

"You all know Reno, Rude, Yuffie, Elena and myself, so I'll let everyone introduce themselves with their names and specialities." Tseng said once the team met with the full ensemble of the TURKS. "Everyone knows who you are, so I'll let Rod start."

"Hm? Oh, me." a brown haired- almost ginger- man with smooth, spiky hair asked as he clapped his hands together and rubbed them. "Riiight." He said, sucking in breath. "I'm the Doctor. Trust me." He said, grinning.

"Name's Legend, laddie." A ginger man with a mullet and a large cigar grinned, lifting a mug of lager at me. "I blow shit up."

"My name's Gaia." A dark haired woman with a knife twirling in her fingers said. "I'm the driver."

"Ah, moi namuh iz Andre Laurent Jean Geraux Le Troisième." A blonde man smiled. "I am a, shall we say, uh, le hitman?"

"We have no idea how he's survived this long, the missions we send him on, but we always manage to identify the bodies. Just." A well-endowed redhead with a ponytail kept in place by two sticks and a skull hair clip sighed, her chest giggling as she did so. "I'm Cissnei, the supplier."

"Charles Smith, Profiler." A dark haired man with a katana nodded, pushing the glasses up his face before offering to shake my hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

I shook it as a brunette woman began to introduce herself. "I'm Luv-"

"And I love you." A large man said as he slipped an arm around her shoulder, before getting the back of her fist slammed into his nose.

"Hacker." Luv finished.

"Nate the Engineer." The man waved, nursing his broken nose with a Cure.

"Guten tag, ich haben Gretel." A blonde woman waved. "I can make a vehicle out of anything."

"The name's Pedro." A man who spent far too much time in front of the mirror said as he span his pistols around his fingers. "I'm a god with these things. Anything I get in my sights-" he pointed one at me and mimed pulling the trigger. "Bam!"

I glared at him as Elena's older sister, Annie introduced herself. She broke stuff, apparently.

"Whatever." I sighed as Arkham made his introductions, and I stood up to leave. "We've got our job to do, so we'll leave you to yours."

Tifa grabbed my hand. "What is it?" I asked her.

"You're relapsing." She said.

I blinked.

Damn.

I am.

Can you blame me? I just let Barret die. The fact that Zero brought him back is irrelevant. I let everyone down again.

I let myself down.

"Here." Cissnei said, tossing me an orange tub of tablets. "These are what you take, right?"

Californium Platinochloride Hydroxide

"That's the stuff." I said, popping open the case and swallowing the whole pack.

"Hey, you really shouldn't take that many at once." Jessie protested as I tossed the empty box aside, wiping my mouth.

"It's the recommended dosage." I shrugged, before passing out.

I woke up in a yellow temple.

Why a yellow temple, I have no idea.

"Hey!"

I turned around to find the brown-haired lion-furry kid from last time grinning at me. "So, you caught the emo again, huh?"

"No, I got depressed. There's a difference. Also?" I pointed at him. "You're a figment of my hallucinogenic mind." I told him. "You aren't entitled to an opinion."

The kid shrugged. "Hey, whatever." He said, swinging that chainsaw of his over his shoulder. "But you'd best get ready for a scrap." He grinned.

That's disturbing. "Why?"

He pointed up.

A massive cigar butt was coming through the sky.

"Barret thought that a spliff would help you." The kid grinned as the spliff began to break into thousands of black, crawling, evil demonic-

"SPYDAHS!" I shouted, waking up with a start.

"Oh, hey." Elfé said. "Finally up?"

"You say finally." I pointed out. "Why are you saying finally? Where and when are we?"

"We left the Desert Wasteland a couple of days ago." Elfé said. "You've been muttering ever since."

"I see…" I said. "And where?"

"Middle of nowhere." Elfé shrugged. "Sephiroth, Tifa, Wedge and I have been training everyone else, levelling up the horde of Materia we've got. Right now they're in the village, stocking up on supplies."

I nod. "Good stuff and why is Tifa running towards us very very very fast?"

She vaulted onto the buggy as everyone began to catch up. "Zack might very well be alive." She told me, before turning to Elfé. "DRIVE!"

I nodded as Barret slammed onto the buggy with everyone else. "So why the panicking?"

I got my answer in the form of a Dark Dragon roaring over us. "SPYDAHS!"

"It had da dragon force ability." Cait Sith said, handing me a yellow materia as the buggy burst into life. "I manipulated it so you could get it."

"And now it's pissed." Biggs groaned as we accelerated away from the flapping and scorching lizard of death. "And none of us can kill it."

I nodded, then reached into the sitting area of the buggy and grabbed a rifle. I then got to work grabbing ammo clips and taping two of them together.

"Never cast magic on these bad boys." I said, putting two headphones into my ear. "They'll Ultima your ass. Instead, you've gotta do this the old fashioned way, but I'm still somewhat unsure which way is diagonal, so Sephy'll have to lead the attack."

"ARGH!" Sephy grunted, clutching her head. "Yeah, alright."

I turned. "Flashbacks?" I asked her.

She nodded. "Those are bitches." I said as the guitars calmed down. "You're excused."

I, I'm driving black on black

I snapped one end of my double barrelled ammo clip into my gun.

Just got my license back

"Everyone else is on ammo filling duty except for whoever's driving." I said with a grin as I took my aim.

I got this feeling in my veins this train is coming off the track

"You're using a gun?" Tifa asked.

I'll ask polite if the devil needs a ride

"Didn't I ever tell you?" I asked with a laugh as I aimed right at the ball of fire. "I killed dragons all the time before becoming a super soldier."

Because the angel on my right ain't hanging out with me tonight

I fired.

I'm driving past your house

The Dragon screamed as bullets ripped its scales apart.

While you were sneaking out I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run

I was hitting too shallow. I corrected my aim as Elfé dodged large rocks.

Your mom don't know that you were missing

The dragon swooped in as I unclipped the ammo and flipped it around.

She'd be pissed if she could see

Click.

The parts of you that I've been kissing

Gun into the dragon's eye.

Screamin'

"NO!" I shouted, pulling the trigger.

We're never gonna quit!

Slam a hand into its mouth.

Ain't nothing wrong with it!

Fire some missiles.

Just acting like we're animals!

Dragon scream and I hold out my gun.

No, no matter where we go

Someone loads it as dragon recovers.

'Cause everybody knows

Gun to the face.

We're just a couple of animals!

Fire.

Dragon screams, landing and skidding across the ground.

So come on baby, get in!

It rolls, firing a blast of fire at us.

Get in, just get in

I open a barrier and block it.

Check out the trouble we're in!

I laugh, firing the finishing shot.

Maybe you haven't noticed yet, but these pills of mine tend to make me into somewhat a sociopath. Which is good if you want me to kill things, but bad if you want me to resolve any relationship issues that may or may not be pressing us at the time.

This might make life problematic with the peaceable people of Cosmo Village, but from I know about this world so far, that isn't gonna be an issue.

As a matter of fact, I think I'm gonna get on with this universe's Bugenhagen. As we got there, he was dealing with an envoy from Shinra.

"Listen carefully, Bugenhagen." The man said to the old man. "SOLDIER conquers and controls everything Shinra rests their eyes upon. We leads an army so massive it shakes the ground with its march, so vast it drinks the rivers dry. All the Shinra Energy Company requires is this: a simple offering of earth and mako." He smiled. "A token of Cosmo's submission to the will of Shinra."

"Submission." Bugenhagen nodded, looking around him. "Well, that's a bit of a problem. See, rumour has it that those Condor's have already turned you down. And if those philosophers and… boy-lovers have found that kind of nerve—"

"We must be diplomatic-" another guy said, but Bugenhagen cut him off.

"And of course Cosmolites… we have our reputation to consider."

"Choose your next words carefully, Bugenhagen." The messenger said. "They may be your last as king."

Bugenhagen took in a breath, then looked at everyone around him. "Earth… and Mako…" he repeated, considering the offer, before drawing his sword and forcing it to the messenger's neck.

"Madman…" The messenger gasped as the Cosmolites drew their weapons and forced the other Shinra men to the edge of the cliff alongside the main messenger. "You're a madman!"

"Earth… and Mako…" Bugenhagen said, gesturing to the edge of the cliff with his sword. "You'll find plenty of both down there."

"No man, Civilised nor tribal…" The messenger begged in disbelief. "No man threatens a messenger!"

"You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city's steps." Bugenhagen snarled. "You insult my queen. You threaten my people with slavery and death! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Shinra." He sneered. "Perhaps you should have done the same."

"This is blasphemy…" The Shinra messenger pleaded. "This is MADNESS!"

Bugenhagen hesitated, lowering his sword.

He looked to a woman, who nodded.

"Madness..?" Bugenhagen asked, turning to face the Shinra messenger. "THIS! IS! SPARTA!"

He kicked the man in the chest, forcing him off the edge of the canyon and into the abyss. The other Cosmolites hacked the other Shinra grunts to pieces and threw them over the edge.

Bugenhagen, turned from the ledge, and approached us.

"Charmander." He said with a smile as he greeted Nanaki. "It's good to see you, old friend."

-}+{-

Was that a Cop Out?

Yes. Yes it was.

It does, however, allow me to legitimately use 300 jokes without it sticking out of place, AND it'll force me to come up with original script for the next chapter, which shall be good.

So... worth it then?

I just replaced the entire Cosmo Canyon with a bunch of Spartans. What do you think?

Awww yeah...

Next chapter soon, hopefully next week. Vincent will be in it.

I'm just asking for a little more time. Thank you.