Author's Note: Well? Was Chapter 13's edit alright? Sorry about that. And I'm sorry about the long delay. Between friends, family, work, holidays, and what not, it's been hard to even think straight enough to think about what to cook for dinner. But my ball has been rolling and I think I can get back to steady updates.
I'm taking a three month leap and writing my Christmas chapter after this. I know, I know. Im way late. Just when the holidays are over.
-Kadie
Merle opened his eyes and growled in slight frustration. The throbbing ache between his legs had only been getting worse. He would take care of it in private, but seeing Clara laying down with her curvy bottom in his view every morning made it difficult to even move. He tried to calm his erection by thinking of anything, but it all went back to her.
Her back.
Her bottom.
Her lips.
Her neck.
"God damnit," he growled. He moved in the sheets, causing her to stir slightly. He didn't want to wake her too early on his account. He settled still and stared up at the ceiling. His eyes found a lone glow in the dark star that Was given to Clara by Shawn years ago. She promised to stick it up and she did, making him smile in the dark.
His eyes shifted to the wall and landed on a photo of himself and Clara cradling Shawn on the day of his birth. He knew that their wedding day was one of the happiest days of their lives, but when Martin walked over from Daryl and over to he and Clara, the gleam in her eyes and the radiance she gave off, he knew that when the baby was laid in her arms, that small day in the history of time was the happiest of hers.
He fought with himself for many years about not being able to give her a baby. They had thought about adoption, but those thoughts stopped when she had told him her gut feeling about it.
"Maybe we just shouldn't be parents. Maybe what we have here and now with each other is enough. We have to look at the brighter side of this," he remembered her say to him the morning after they found out that she had mid-staged cervical cancer.
He shifted uneasily at the memory. No amount of drugs were ever able to make him forget that day. He had tried.
She had woken up in the night with a pain in her belly so severe that Merle couldn't touch her.
She cried for him as he called the ambulance.
She screamed for her sister.
When they got to the hospital, nobody was allowed in the room. Daryl had arrived with Davy and Lulu about an hour after they got there. Brandon and Jarred later on in the day.
Martin was sitting with Merle, who had his head in his hands. Daisy was pacing with fear in her eyes.
"Mr. Dixon?" said a young man's voice. Merle practically ran over to the man.
"Is'she a'right?" he asked in haste. He watched the doctor take a deep breath. Daisy ran up beside Merle and listened closely to the doctor's speech.
Most of what the doctor said was still a blur to Merle to this day as he remembered the feeling he had when they were said, it overpowering any thought process he had at the time.
He remembered feeling Daisy's hand on his shoulder.
"A complete hysterectomy would promise that the cancer not return. We're lucky because it's not too late in the process. If we wait, I cannot promise how slow it would spread. If we perform it now, she could be home in a week after some more testing."
He looked to Daisy, who was shaking. They locked eyes and both let tears swim down their face.
"She'll never f'give me, Dais," he said. She sniffed and wiped her eyes and looked at him with most certainty.
"I promise you that she will."
Merle looked back to the doctor and nodded slowly. He reached for the clipboard and signed the okay. The doctor patted Merle's shoulder.
"I will go and begin the prep," he said softly and was off. Merle listened to the footsteps fade down the hallway and took a deep breath. He turned and saw Daryl, whose color had drained slightly from his face. Merle pinched the bridge of his nose and let himself fall into his brother's open embrace.
Merle had gotten up from his memory and walked over to the wall, taking the photo off and cradled it lovingly. He went back and sat at the end of the bed gazing at it.
He didn't know she was awake and when he felt the sheets shift, he looked behind him to see her sitting up and alert. She tried to see what photo he was holding, but she couldn't quite make it out.
"It's early yet," she whispered.
"Yeah," he said softly.
"Come back and sleep some more for a little while."
"Yeah, I don't think 'm tired anymore."
"What picture is that?" she asked curiously. He held it up in the moonlight and she sighed with a smile. He scooted back to her with the photo. "That was one great day," she said as she took it from him and gazed into it.
"Yeah. Just thinkin' about it," he lied with a furrow in his brow. She smiled at him and nodded.
"Liar," she said.
"Yeah. That's true," he whispered with a hint of sadness in his tone. Settling back down into the blankets, he took is left hand and placed on her belly. She looked down at his laying form and smiled at his gesture, knowing exactly what was running through his mind. Placing her hand over his, she settled back down beside him on her side so the we're facing each other.
"What's the matter, Merle?" she whispered. He let out a sigh and shook his head, his lips pursed together, as if trying to keep from words escaping. "Come on. You're doing that thing."
"What' thing?" he questioned. She giggled and pointed her finger to his mouth, touching his lips. It took everything he had not to kiss her finger.
"That thing. Every time you want to say something, but won't, you get all tight lipped and your jaw gets solid."
"No idea what ya talkin' 'bout," he replied gruffly, trying to hide is grin. He shuddered when he felt her finger trace his jawline.
"Talk to me," she said. She felt his grip tighten around her belly and she tightened hers around his hand.
"Do you fo'give me?" he asked barely above a whisper. She studied his face. Like a child about to be punished by his parent.
"Your decision saved my life. Why do you need to be forgiven for that?"
"Because I feel like I took it all the same."
They laid in silence until it was unbearable to Clara's ears. She sat up and started pacing the room in what seemed like anger to Merle. He sat up and pulled his legs off the bed, rubbing his stumped wrist and watched her walk around aimlessly in the dark. She walked to the window and smiled at the snow that fell.
"Dixon?" she asked.
"Reese?" he responded.
"Come over here," she ordered. He slowly rose and scratched the back of his head as he studied her gaze on the snowfall. He walked over to the window and stood in silence beside her. He jumped slightly when he felt her fingers intertwine with his.
"We are not promised tomorrow," she started. "I'm sick of moping about the last three years. It's a waste of time and tears."
"Cla-."
"Shut up and let me finish," she said. Merle closed his mouth. "I have missed you. I thought I lost you. You found me. You're my best friend and the best thing I ever did. We have had more ups than downs and I intend to keep it that way."
Clara brought his hand up to her and put it over her heart. She placed her hand on his chest and looked into his confused eyes.
"We are going to go on about life as though the past three years between us never happened. We are going to pick up where we left off and we are going to be fucking awesome at it. No more questioning anything. No more moping. No more of it. I am done. I want you back. I need my husband. I need my lover and my friend. And I need someone to go up into the attic later and get down all the Christmas decorations."
"Huh?"
"Will you start over with me and pick up where we left off? On that amazing note?"
Merle breathed hard and looked into her welled eyes. He couldn't deny her again.
"I will, baby. I swear it I will," he nodded feverishly. She smiled and sobbed. He pulled her close and kissed her tear streaked cheeks and wrapped his long arms around her and hugged her tight as she tightened her hold on his shirt.
They stayed like that until their muscles got stiff.
When they untangled, she wiped her face and smiled warmly. She saw the stress in his face dissipate and she knew that this idea could work for the both of them. Brushing her short hair to the side, she suddenly blushed. She felt giddy and excited as did he. They stood and twisted awkwardly like two teenagers.
"This is good," she declared hopefully.
"It's ya idea, baby. You have the best ideas."
"I do, don't I?" she agreed. She took him by his hand and walked them back to the bed and pulled him down beside her. "I'm scared."
"Me too."
"It will be fine, I'm sure. We just up where we left off."
She watched as Merle's mouth formed into a big grin. She recognized that gleam in his eye as a wife does her husband. She huffed and scoffed and blushed.
"I can show ya where we left off, Sugar," he whispered huskily into her ear. She fought the urge to jump on him.
"I think not, bud. I'm not that easy. You are going to have to butter me up real good before you get into these pants," she giggled out. Merle laughed out and kissed her shoulder.
"Shouldn't take long," he said. He felt her hit his arm and he chuckled.
"Dixon?"
"Yeah?"
"Kiss me?," she asked dreamily. His body and breathing stilled as the words escaped her lips. His lips quivered as he thought if he should do it or not. He studied her face and worked up to her eyes. Her lips begged and pouted, ready and waiting for him.
"Are-are ya sure?"
"Please?"
He wouldn't deny her any longer.