"It's not deep, but it's not a scare either," Currently I was sitting on the edge of a table that was set up in the room now, Eugene working on my jaw now after we had our metal agreement that I scared that crap out of him and almost got him petrified for not knowing where I was. I did blame myself in that moment, since I should have told him what was going to happen to me back in Aldbourne so many night ago, seeing him sit out on the street and have his own thoughts in his head. I should have told him then, I knew that now since he was working on my jaw and I was trying to avoid his eye contact like he was going to give me the look of shame.
"How'd ya get it?" He asked calmly from his spot,t placing under stitch into my skin to wrap it around and keep it there. I was staying still the whole time, trying to find a way to tell him what happened to me.
"Fought off another German soldier who was about to cut me deeper," I explained as he got another stitch ready to go with his pack near him on the table, "I didn't expect him to get me near the jaw."
"Well, you got out lucky," he explained, "An inch lower and it would have been an artery.
"I think that's what he was aiming for," As soon as I said it, I knew I said the wrong thing to him. Eugene passed in his work on my wound, almost drinking in what I said and I sighed softly, thinking that I just made him feel worse now that I said it out in the blue like i.e. was a regular conversation.
"I'm sorry, Eugene," I said to him softly now, thinking that I had to fix the mess I made then and there with him.
"It's fine," He replied.
"Not it isn't."
"It's like we talked about: We shouldn't be worried about each other," he said almost bluntly, having me almost feel my own heart break from how he was making it sound like it was no big deal. I had to talk to him about it, since I was the one who opened the floodgate. I greatly grasped his hand that was reaching down to grab another stitch, seeing him stop too and have me look right at him, to try and read him though at times it was downright impossible.
"Eugene," I said in a low tone, almost careful again as I was trying to find the right words for him on my tongue,"Are you okay?" it seems like a loaded question I was giving him, a real big one since he paused once again and then took in a hard breath through his nose.
"They taught us not to be close to the men, back in trainin'," He explained to me in almost a breathy tone, like it was hard for him to talk about it and get it out of his system, "Medics are never to be close to another soldier in case the soldier…or the medic…dies. We can't have an emotional tie to those whom can be lost within the battles."
"You can't be close to people?" I asked him to make sure I had it right? It didn't seem right, to not be close to your fellow soldiers and to consider them friends. Why would he have to hold them an arm's length away and not even bat an eye to them? At first, I didn't think as to why he was saying this to me. It took me a moment, a solid moment, to finally realize why he was saying this to me.
He was warning me.
"You can't be close to me," I stated in a almost monotone kind of manner. I knew it was true, I knew he was trying to tell me without saying it dead on, that he and I could not be close friends anymore. I only wondered why I didn't know this sooner to save myself the trouble, the constant thoughts and mindless dreams that I had with him there constantly with my brain. It seemed too good to be true, and for me to be a proper officer I had to look pass it and go with his wishes.
But why was this killing me on the inside?
"I understand," I replied back to him, seeing him finish with the last stitch after I was thinking to myself again for a long moment or two. He then looked over at me, seeing that I heard what he said and how I was no longer smiling or feeling so great about what he explained to me. He moved away a fraction from me, as if he was giving me space and I hopped down from the table then. For some reason, I didn't want to be in the same room as him, just hearing him almost reject me in a way that was both subtle and painful. I knew he never meant to make it sound like it, he didn't have the heart to be cruel. but it was still cruel none the less.
"I'm going out to find Bull," I said in the small room, moving away for him like he was poison and if he was going to touch me then I would be poisoned and killed. I didn't even want to look at him then as I moved across the room, rifle back in hand and throwing the strap over my shoulder. I had a job to do, not to wallow about something I thought I wanted and I thought I should have. It was time to be a soldier, not a hopeless dreamer, "Thank you for the stitches."
"Olive," he called out to me, no longer short like he was before but almost like he was regretting what he did, but I kept going. I was a first lieutenant for God's sake, not a young woman pinning over a young man whom she thought she had feelings for. I had to get my mind back to in order, and if it was for me to get this kind of ride awakening for it to happen, then so be it.
I had to wash my hands clean.
I walked out into the open fields again, the men there were talking to each other and trying to keep warm with the small fires they had going on and around the area. I recognized Guarnere as he eyed me coming out of the barn and he ran over to me, though I was still in a beeline over to the edge of our area and going back to the town again.
"Bellerose!" He called out, having me stop and look over at him now to see him give me a confused look. I had my rifle across my back, wrapping my bandana around my neck and my helmet back on my head, "Where are you going?"
"To go find Bull," I replied, seeing him give me a warning look.
"I don't think that's a great idea," He said in hesitance, having me suddenly give him a stern look and show where I was standing as an officer in front of him. This was not the time for someone to tel me what to do and how to do it. I mad up my now choice, and it was bad enough to go through such an awkward situation like I just had with Eugene.
"My job here in this company is to protect its soldiers from any harm, Sergeant Guarnere, " I reminded him in a calm manner, "One of your men has gone mission, and it is my job to find that missing soldier and being him back to his platoon unharmed."
"Does Winters know you're gonna go out there?" Guarnere asked me, having me raise an eyebrow to him.
"Is he my captain?" I countered back with him, shifting in my spot a bit in the darkness of the night.
"No," he replied, having me nod at him once.
"Then I don't answer to him, I'll answer to my own Captain for the time being," I answered, seeing him almost want to cock a grin but he was trying to hold it back himself. I knew that something was going to happen to me because of this decision, but then again I still had to place my own part with Easy. I still had to be a Captain and help out the men in Easy, make sure they were safe, and not one man be left behind.
"Still, you goin' by yourself?" He asked me, almost like he was afraid for me to be alone there and no one there to back me up. I had to smile from how he sounded, how he even looked a bit concerned. Even when I was with the men or months and months on end, they still were trying to look out for me and make sure I was okay. I didn't mind it, but given the recent events and how I was finding out where I belonged in the army, I needed to be alone more than ever.
"Wouldn't want it any other way."
I scaled the rooftops that night, walking too and for over the town to see if I could find something, anything, that could lead me to Bull. It was still dark, but the flames were dying down by the time I got there, a couple of German soldiers here and there walking around on patrol and talking amongst each other. I was so quiet that they couldn't hear me, in my dark attire that made it impossible for them to see me. I walked along the rooftops, looking down and around at the places I would think he would be.
Nothing. Not one thing.
Guarnere told the others nothing of what I was doing, and it was better that way than for the men to find out and get in trouble for not telling Winters anything about me going off on a manhunt. I was not going to have the men get in trouble for me, and if something were to happen, I would be able to take care of myself and not have a handful of men to defend me.
It still bothered me though, as I jumped for rooftop to rooftop without making a sound, what I talk with Eugene about and how it made me feel more and more bitter on my tongue and within my head. It felt both pitiful on how we left the conversation, and a hint of betrayal though it was never supposed to be that way. It was a reminder of my job and my duty, clearly I was not there to make friends. At least, not with Eugene.
By the time I combed through the town with a hefty comb of my eyes, I saw nothing of Bull and it was making me own nerves worse on the edge. Where was he? He wasn't the kind of soldier to go fro on his own and not leave some kind of clue behind to have us know where he is. This was not looking good in his favor.
Where was Bull?
The morning was creeping over the horizon now, the fires in Eindhoven and it was less of a disaster town now with smoke rising into the sky to slowly melt away. Easy was going to move out within the morning rising and I was going to report back to England to check in with Captain Josephine and Captain Mathews. A part of me was glad to be out of there, away from the men and to get some of my own thoughts in check. Still, the other part of me was feeling a bit on the edge of leaving the men, the friends I met and even those whom I thought I was close with but was not entirely.
I stood out there in the field, seeing the jeep pulling up over next to me now as I was getting my own things ready to head back to the nearest plane and over to England again. Some of the men were out too, talking with each other and Bull was their main topic. Bull was not back yet, and the men ere getting restless, including me.
"Lieutenant," I looked over my shoulder to hear someone walking over in my direction now, seeing Joe walk over to me with Babe as well, the three of them seeing me place some of my weapons there in the jeep, "You leavin' already?"
"Back to England I go," I replied to the three of them like it was nothing, another conversation, but I could see it in how they were looking at me. They didn't want me to go, their eyes were telling me this and who they were standing so hesitantly there in front of me,
"How long you gonna be there for?" Babe asked me as I got the last piece of equipment there into the jeep before I answered them.
"I don't know, but hopefully I will get back to you boys in less than a month," I reassured them all, seeing them nod their head ash Joe was scratching the back of his head with either nervousness or with confusion there.
"Well, we're gonna miss you, Lieutenant," Joe said it like he was admitting what was on his head, having me smile slightly at him now.
"You have a heart after all," I joked with him, then seeing him eye me with sarcasm.
"That's all you're gonna get, ma'am," He replied, moving away from me then and babe then taking a few steps over to me, grabbing something from his jacket pocket. I looked to see what it was, an envelope with my name written on the top.
"Doc wanted me to give this to you," he said to me as he held the envelope between the both of us, having me freeze a bit now since he mentioned Doc. I didn't think the both of them were tight together as friends, but then again on how Babe said it, he was having a sense of hope there within his tone. I took the envelope carefully within my fingers, looking at his writing right at the top of the envelope and I saw that he wrote my name there. I was trying to avoid him, I really was as childish as it sounded. But then again as I saw my name there in his handwriting, I wanted to see what he had to say.
"Thanks, Babe," I thanked him, seeing him shift once or twice before he spoke up again with his Philadelphia accent.
"He's been torn up since last night," Babe explained to me in almost a hesitant manner as he was still standing there in front of me, "I tried talkin' to him and all, but he was sore all over about something he said to you."
I didn't know what else to say to Babe, or what to say to him in general. It made me feel bad for not going back there to Eugene, to try and talk to him when he was trying to reach back out to me. Babe shuffled a bit more, not being able to think to say anything else to me and he walked away from me and over to the rest of the guys. I looked away from him and wanted to open the letter, I really did. But then again this was not the place for me to read this. I had to get my own mind in order with what I was going to go in England.
"Bull!" I heard Johnny call out in almost a tone of joy. I looked over too, seeing that it was too good to be true. There was Bull, standing there with the boys around him and clasping him on the shoulder and talking to him. I was glad he was there and he was totally fine, looking like he had somewhat of a rough night but he was fine none the less. Good for Bull, knowing how to get himself back from being missing all night.
September 23rd, 1944
England
"Another job well done, ladies," we were all standing there at attention in front of Captain Matthews as he was looking over each and every one of us after we came back from another mission that he sent us on. It was early into the morning, then was not even up yet, but with me I was still feeling on edge from the recent mission.
This was the first time I was beyond relieved to be away from Easy, to get some air from the boys and all that was going on. The girls were a breath of fresh air for us, all of us were keeping our thoughts and heads on the mission instead of worrying about what others thought of us and our own troubles and woes. I never mentioned Eugene and what happened between the both of us to the girls, not even to Harper or O'Neal. It didn't feel right telling them what append to me and who I was all troubled by it. It was another case of me trying to bury it to the ground and hope it would b e resurface again. Hell, I didn't even read his letter that he gave me through Babe. I didn't know when I would be able to read it, if I had the heart to.
"By now you all are sharing from the other companies that we are getting a reputation amongst them in the army," He explained to us as he was walking in fort of us, back and forth, "Our reputation is becoming more concrete, thank you all of you dedication and hard work within your companies and each other."
"There is talk of us continuing with our work and campaign throughout the rest of war, without or without any Operations for us to go on personally," Captain Josephine then explained to us as she was having her hands behind her back, "If we continue with our success rates in all of our Operations and missions, then there can be a future for us throughout the rest of the war."
I had to sink that in. It wasn't that I was going to expect us to fail at any time with the Operations we were assigned to, but it was still another thing to hear that we were going to be going up and beyond with our work in the army. Were they really considering us as one of the other many companies in the war? Were we worthy enough? it sounded petty to ask that question.
Were we worthy enough?
October 13th, 1944
Shoonderlogt, Holland
I threw out the blade again, seeing almost hit the same tree once more as I was standing there about a good twenty feet away, practicing once more with the gauntlet and I twisted my wrist, seeing the blade retract back to me and snap back into place with the wrist piece. This was my third time practicing with this weapon, and by this, point I was getting better and better with it, much to my dismay. I knew Captain Josephine and Captain Matthews were wanting me to be perfect at this weapon by the time winter came in Europe, in case it was needed for more missions that we were going to go on.
The boys were all sitting in the barn, eating together as I was practicing with this weapon. It was fine to once again be alone. I know it must have looked a bit bad on my part, how I was willing to have my own alone time instead of being around the rest of the guys, and they could see it too. I think they were getting the hint, as bad as it was, that I was trying to reaffirm myself as an officer there, not their friend.
I hated it.
I heard footsteps behind me as I threw out the gauntlet again, seeing the blade hit the previous mark in a jolt and I kept it there for a moment or two before I retracted the blade and looked behind me to see who it was. Lipton, the sweet centered lieutenant who was good with the boys and great as an officer.
"Hello, Lieutenant Bellerose," He said to me tentatively, then pointing to the gantlet on my wrist, "How is that working out for you?"
"Pretty good as of late, sir," I replied, seeing him shuffled his hands a bit in front of him.
"I wanted to see if you wanted to come in and join the other officers with some tactical strategies for anything coming up, they want to hear your opinion," Lipton explained, having me raise an eyebrow to him now in a bit of surprise.
"Really?" I asked, sounding a bit surprised myself.
"You sound a bit surprised Lieutenant," Lipton voiced to me, seeing the small look of shock there on my face and how I was standing there in a bit of hesitance. Even though I knew I was an officer, I didn't think that the other officers in Easy would want me to join in on their conversation and their talks about the soldiers and what is best for them. They must have seen me as an equal to them, up to a point really.
"I didn't think they would want to hear from me, sir," I admitted to him, seeing a kind smile in return from Lipton. Of course, he would smile, he was hard too fair and kind to be a brutal officer, and that made me respect him even more
"Of course they would want to hear from you, since the boys admire you and how to carry yourself both with Easy and your own unit. Nixon even thinks you can help put some input in." Lipton explained with some hope there both in his eyes and in his tone. It was almost like he was desperate for me to agree and come along, and I had to agree since these were the officers, but not the regular soldiers. So this was not going to hurt me in the end.
"I'll come along," I replied to him, seeing him grin at me and we both walked away from the area, having me snap the gauntlet off my wrist now and hold it within my spare hand. I as thinking that I was trying to look up on the things that were happening in my life, but I was not paying attention to how someone was watching us walk away shoulder to shoulder.
A soldier with a medic arm on his arm and his blue haunting eyes watching me.
"As of thus far, we are gong to go through more drills to keep the men on their toes and to keep them alert," I was sitting within Winter's new makeshift office of a room, seeing him sitting behind it was a stack full of papers. He was no longer in charge of Easy, another officer named Moose Heyliger was going to be the head officer for Easy.
Winters was the new XO of the 2nd Battalion. working more behind the desk and getting the logistics together for the men instead of him being with the soldiers and his men. I could tell, having me think the others can too, that he was not really liking not being with the men.
"Lt. Norman Dike is holding his own with the men, much to the men's dismay," Welsch voiced to the men as he took a long sip from his wine that he had in his coffee cup. I saw Nixon roll his eyes as he poured some whiskey into his cup from his flask.
"As long as he can handle the men and make sure he can lead them to victory, then we can still hold onto him for the current time that we have" Winters reassured Welsch now as I was sitting next to Welsch and seeing him look over at me and raise an eye.
"Can you convinced your own Captain that you can be transferred over here and run Easy?" Welsch asked in a light manner, Winters shooting him a look.
"Harry!" He said in both shock and in a warning. Harry looked back at him and shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't tell me I'm the only one who's thinking that? We can really user Bellerose over here in Easy since the men give her plenty of respect and they will follow her to the ends of the earth," Harry explained to him as I looked away from Harry and Winters over to Nixon, thinking that he would give me some of the reassurance on the other side of the room. Nixon just shrugged at me, not knowing what else to say about it since I was the new topic of conversation, not Foxhole Norman.
"We're fine with what we have, Harry," Winters reassured Harry, "Bellerose is already a great officer with the men, and she has her own priorities with her own unit."
"How do you feel about Dike, Bellerose?" Nixon asked me out of the blue, seeing that I was a bit lost within the talk they were having when it came to be and where I should be in my leadership. All of their eyes on me, having me feel like I was sitting on a hotplate and I was about to be overheated with the eyes on me. I didn't really want to give my opinion about another officer since it felt like I could say the wrong thing at some moment. Thank you very much, Nixon.
"Lew, did you really have to ask her that?" Winters asked him, somehow seeing the look of puzzlement and the hint of embarrassment there on my face from being in the spotlight in the room.
"Just curious about what she was thinking about is all, Dick. Can't have a normal conversation with another officer?" Nixon asked in a lighter tone as he eye Dick like it was playful banter.
"But you and to ask that question to her?" Harry even asked as I finally spoke up from my spot next to him, thinking that I should just get it over with and get myself out of the conversation as much as humanly possible
"He's a fine officer, sir." The three of them were looking at me now as I answered that question that was hanging in the air, "I think he can still work though a bit of a few things in order to be better."
"See? She said her opinion and no harm done," Nixon replied in a light manner, pointing to me but looking at Winters with a big grin on his face, "At least what she said was a bit nicer than what we are all thinking about him."
"Well, he hasn't done anything yet that would jeopardize him from being one of the officers, so for now, we are going to keep him where he is," Winters ended it then and there, having me sigh in relief before I saw him look over at me and give me a small smile, "Thank you, Bellerose, for your opinion on the officer."
"You're welcome…sir," I said in almost a hesitant manner, seeing him crack a grin at me as he tapped the papers there on top of his desk.
"I asked some of the men in Easy on how they feel about you," He explained, having em eye go wide a little bit and feel like he was going to say a bad thing about me from the men. It's been awhile since I was hanging out with the men and get to know them more. I was trying to be a better officer than a friend, and I would think at this point the men would take the hint and not even want to be near me anymore. What were they going to see me now?
"They do look up to you," I was shocked from what he told me, what the men were thinking of me. Here I was, thinking the opposite and how they would really not like me anymore, but I was really wrong in that way. They were still liking me as an officer and were looking up to me, having me smile but show it in a small manner instead of having it plastered on my face, "You're a good officer for them to look to and to follow after. All I am getting is nothing but praises, even from the medics Spina and Doc are saying good things about you,"
"I'm glad to hear that, sir." I replied, thinking that it was too good to be true to hear it coming from an officer very much respected and look up to. It still shocked me a bit to hear that Doc was still saying good things about me, not that shocking since it was in his nature to never be cruel or unkind to those in his company. No, Doc was not like that at all, not even to me in this current situation when we were not on talking terms, as much as it pained me.
It was kind of nice to know I was leaving some kind of good imprint on the others.
October 31st, 1944
Driel, Holland
Once again I was on patrol that night, walking along the permitter of the town we were stationed in. The temperature was cooling down, the leaves in the still surviving trees are changing colors of orange and yellow with a hint of brown, and the clouds were rolling in have the rain every once in awhile to cool us off even more. Easy was just going through the motions by that time, jumping from one small town to another in Holland and just going on patrols. They didn't know whether or not it was because they were passing the time, or they had nothing else to do.
Even after my talk with the officers and hearing good praises from them, I was one again walking alone. For some odd reason, walking alone was more of a comfort than anything in that moment. I didn't want to really wallow in my own self-pity, not anymore to be honest. The men still looked up to me, and I had a job to make sure that what they are seeing was the truth about me, nothing different or fabricated.
A gunshot rang out, having me stop in my walk and stay still to find out where it was located. It was only one gunshot, ringing in the quiet night and it was coming near the train tracks in the east. It made me want to run now over in that direction, feeling that something went wrong and someone was hurt since it was a gunshot that sounded more like an accident than on purpose.
It took me a good couple of minutes of running, more like a sprint than anything and I felt like I was getting closer and closer to what was going on. By the time I got there, the ambulance was rolling away now and I saw both Winters and Welsch standing there and looking on.
"Sir!" I said in a huff, the both of them looking behind themselves and over at me. I skidded to a halt now as I caught my breath, "What happened?"
"Accidental shot on Moose while we were on patrol," Winters explained to me, having me look down briefly to see that one of his hands was bloody. It was not looking good in my mind: logically as his hand was red and wet with blood.
"Doc took care of him and got him over to the nearest medical building," I snapped m head over to Harry was he said that to me. I heard CO being mention, how he was the one who was here and I barely missed him by mere seconds, and it made me think that he needed some kind of help with that was about to going on with the injured soldier.
If I was going to try and still be good enough to be around Eugene, this was going to be a start.
"Where is the medical building?"
"Sir, I need to get him into the building for him to get proper treatment!"
"Not without authorization!"
I hopped out of the jeep and bolted over tot he front of the medical building, a small makeshift building that had a red medical cross out on the front and it was made of brick, some medics going in and out and the ambulance was parked there right out in the front. I saw Eugene there already, talking to Sergeant and the Sergeant was not telling him to get through. It had me worry that something was going to go from and to worse. Eugene and the sergeant were arguing in front of the medical building, and I could tell that was sergeant was not going to give it up without a fight.
"Sir, he needs medical attention," Eugene was really trying to hold back from snapping at the sergeant and he was trying to remain calm.
"He needs to be registered here before we can take him inside, it's new protocol," The sergeant said to Eugene, standing in front of Eugene and was so close to touching him and pushing him away, it was then that I snapped. I jogged over there and I saw the both of them staring each other down and the sergeant looking up at me now with a hint of agitation as I got close enough to shove him off of Eugene.
"Take one more step over to one of my men and I'll have you court-martialed before you can even blink a Goddamn eye," I warned him in a low manner, the Sergeant was at a loss of words now as Eugene looked at me too with a bit of shock there on his face. My focus was on the Sergeant, whom was looking right at me as if I was some kind of challenge for him to overcome there in front of the medical building.
"Who are you?" He asked me in a sinister manner, having em shift and stand right in front of Eugene to block him off and square off the Sergeant with my eyes drilling into him.
"1st Lieutenant Bellerose from Black Mamba Unit and with Easy Company," I saw him shift in an uneasy way when I told him my ranking, seeing my stance there and almost taking one more step over to him to back him off, "I suggest you back off of my medic and let him do his job and then do the paperwork."
"I have to go through the new protocol that we have here, ma'am," He tried to reason with me, less sinister and more on the scared side. I shook my head then.
"If we have a major blood loss on our hands from the inured soldier that is in the ambulance and he has a long term injury, I will personally blame you for not having a medic do his duty, understand?" It was like I was placing a knife to his throat and he had to think of a way to get himself out of the stain. I saw his eyes go wide then, the tone in my voice and in how I was standing there in such an authority like manner made him almost shit his pants right then and there. No one said a single word, having what I said hanging there between myself and the now petrified sergeant.
"Yes, ma'am," He replied finally, moving out of the way and back into the building before he could look at me even more in the eye. I was standing to see him walk away, finally taking a breath and stepping down from my officer tone of voice now, thinking I was back to being normal again and I looked behind me to see Eugene.
His eyes were far too wide, looking at me in almost a new light and as if he dint know else to do with me. I was worried then to think of what he was going to say to me from what he saw moments earlier. Did he see me now as an officer and not a friend? Did I ruin whatever he had left with one another? But he took in a slow breath now and I rubbed the back of my neck there in hesitance.
"Thanks, Lieutenant," He thanked me, having me miss on how he accent sounded when we would talk to one another. I gave him a small smile.
"Of course, Corporal," I replied, about to move away from him when he finally took a step over to me and having me see that he was genuine with what he was about to say.
"Really, thank you, Olive." When he used the name, the heavenly way it sounded off his lips, it made me realize that we were back on a good basis with one another. It was fine again within our own friendship. I made me feel a bit better about it, a weight was no longer there against my brain and my hands. All was well once again within my own mind.
"Of course, Eugene."