Act II, Scene IV
Close up on an eye, which opens wide and stays wide. We stay on it.
TURK: (voice-over) JD?
We zoom out a little and see that the eye belonged to Turk and the reason it stayed wide – JD is lying beside him, asleep, but way too close for comfort.
TURK: JD...
JD: (awakening) Morning, Castaway Chocolate Bear.
We zoom out again so we can see the other side of Turk.
CARLA: What the hell is he doing here?
JD: It was cold. I thought we were huddling.
We zoom out again. They're in a rudimentary beach shelter.
TURK: You have your own hut!
JD: (propping himself up on one shoulder)It's kinda draughty.
CARLA: GET OUT!
We cut to JD emerging from the shelter, slightly flustered but immediately the picture of casualness once in the public arena. Dr. Cox walks by and shoots him his usual look of eternal disdain. JD ignores this pointedly and searches for more friendly company, which he finds in the person of Charlie, who's sitting on the sand watching the surf, not too far from Claire.
JD: Where is everyone?
CHARLIE: Jack, Sayid and a few of the others have gone for the transceiver.
JD: Without me?
CHARLIE: (shooting him a look) Yeah. I was as surprised as you, mate.
They watch the waves rolling in for a few moments. Turk emerges from the shelter in a similarly flustered manner as JD did only a few moments ago.
TURK: Hey, JD! Help me out here!
He ducks back into the makeshift tent and a few seconds later we hear-
TURK: Ooooh! Aaaah, yeah baby! Mess with the WARRIOR!
He comes back out.
TURK: Did you hear anything?
CHARLIE: Nothing I'd ever, ever repeat.
CARLA: (out of shot) Turk, there is no such thing as SOUNDPROOF FABRIC! MOVE!
Turk does a little tap-dance of frustration before dejectedly walking over to JD and Charlie.
CHARLIE: I'm cool with pretending none of that ever happened.
TURK: Probably best.
We pan over the beach, taking in the morning routines of the remainder of the human life aboard Oceanic Flight 815, as they emerge from their humble huts, cobbled together out of the wreckage, the smouldering remains of some of their former cabin-mates only a few hundred feet down the beach.
JD: (voice-over) A mysterious island inhabited by unseen entities defying explanation. A motley crew of survivors, united only in the shrouded secrecy of their past misdeeds. What had brought us here? Chance, or some other agent of fate? Would we unite to survive...or would we fall into chaos, driven apart by base human instinct?
We cut back at the end of this speech to realise that it's not your usual JD voice-over; he is in fact saying all of this aloud, much to the annoyance of Turk and Charlie.
JD: (still talking out loud)In this place where nothing was as it seemed, only thing was for certain-
TURK: -that if you don't quit it with the prophet of doom channelling, I'm gonna be the first one to propose cannibalism and BBQ yo' skinny white ass!
CHARLIE: Thank you.
JD: (this time in a real voice-over) Even as I seethed with rage, I couldn't help but wonder what was the secret of this place, and if larger forces were at work here. And if someone was behind it all, then who...?
Cue JD fantasy flash:
A dark fortress, very Barad-Dur in its design, all twisted corridors and scuttling minions of doom going about their grim business. We pause on an incongruously cheery sign affixed to a wall which says – YOU DON'T HAVE TO INFRINGE COPYRIGHT TO EXIST HERE, BUT IT HELPS!
Into the central citadel of this place of evil are dragged our heroes – the denizens of Sacred Heart, plus Jack, Sawyer, Sayid, Charlie, Hurley, Kate and Locke. Orc-like minions crowd around them, poking them with spears.
DR. COX: Hold it together, everyone. This is it. This is the centre of the island. Whoever controls this place, this is where they call home. And by God (he thumps his fist into his palm in an exaggeratedly heroic way as JD watches, adoringly) we're going to get some answers.
HURLEY: Uh. Are we gonna be, um, tortured?
MINION #1: Ha ha ha! When our Dark Lord is through with you, you won't know the meaning of the word misery!
TED: Care to wager on that?
Dramatic sound effects ensue. The Orc-like minions cower in fear.
MINION #1: The Dark Lord approaches!
A figure dressed all in shadow emerges from the top of an impossibly steep stairway before them, standing before a ridiculously ornate, spiky throne. All we see of his features are glowing red eyes.
DARK LORD: ASK YOUR QUESTIONS OF ME BEFORE YOU PERISH, MORTALS!
CHARLIE: Yeah I got one. Why am I still wearing this bloody costume?
We see him for the first time properly. He's still wearing the Merry costume from JD's earlier LoTR vision.
DARK LORD: SILENCE!
As everyone looks on in horror, a lightning bolt reduces Charlie to a pair of smoking shoes. Several packages of white powder fall to the ground also, but no-one seems to notice these. JD is first on the scene, on his knees at Charlie's remains. He gathers them up to his chest and weeps theatrically.
JD: NOOOOOOO!!
DR. COX: (addressing the Dark Lord) That the best you got, big guy?
JACK: Perry, no!
DR. COX: Come down here and face me! Show yourself!
DARK LORD: VERY WELL...
He descends the stairs rapidly, floating a few feet above the ground as he does so. We focus in close on Dr. Cox's face as his enemy approaches. A flicker of recognition begins to grow there.
DR. COX: I should have known. All this time...you monster...
DARK LORD: (voice now sounding quite different) You didn't think I'd let all those insults go unpunished, did you Perry?
TURK: Who is that??
The figure still has not completely emerged from shadow, but we can see in silhouette that its arms are raising to point up by its sides. And then-
-zzzwshooooosh-
-each of its hands sprout three blades.
And the figure steps forward into the light.
JD / HURLEY / TURK: (thrilled and awestruck)Wolverine...!
TODD: (just as thrilled)Billy!
DR. COX: (spitting the word with a hatred hotter than a thousand suns)Jackman.
Everyone stops to look at the Todd. He notices their glances.
TODD: Dude, this guy nailed the Billy Bigelow part from Carousel at Carnegie Hall. I wept.
HUGH JACKMAN: Wow. Thanks. You know I was always very proud of that performance.
With that, he blows a smoking hole through Todd's chest. The Todd stands upright for a few seconds, long enough to look down and notice the foot-wide gaping maw where most of his vital organs used to reside.
TODD: (to Turk) Posthumous double-entendre five?
Turk obliges with a high-five and Todd crashes to the ground, dead.
TURK: Now that's one hole even the Todd couldn't fill.
All traces of joviality disappear and he wipes away a tear, abruptly serious and in deep mourning.
TURK: That was for you, man.
He turns to Hugh Jackman and shapes himself to dive at him. JD and Dr. Cox hold him back as he struggles desperately to escape their clutches. Dr. Cox wrestles him to the ground, where Turk can do nothing but stare up (with ridiculous amounts of tears streaming down his face) at him in rage.
TURK: You maniac...you diseased, inhuman maniac!
HUGH JACKMAN: All true! I am all of those things! I am versatile; handsome; vaguely metrosexual but still macho; taller and more muscled than I first appear! I am...Hugh Jackman! And this...is my island! Behold, your doom!
DR. COX: Not on my flight, mister.
He rises to his feet.
HUGH JACKMAN: You don't stand a chance.
DR. COX: Care to wager on that?
He grabs an unresisting Ted with super-strength and, whirling him like a club, batters Hugh Jackman thirty feet into the nearest wall. Orcs scatter in panic as the rest of our heroes begin to do battle; JD leaps around doing what can only be described as the most effeminate martial arts moves in recorded history. Perhaps this is apple-tini-fu.
By the time Hugh has extricated himself from the wall, Dr. Cox is standing over him.
HUGH JACKMAN: Why, Perry? Why the hatred?
DR. COX: (shrugs) Don't take it personally. I got a lot of hate to give.
His fist comes toward the camera, and over Hugh Jackman's surprisingly high-pitched scream of terror the world goes black.
End-of-fantasy flash.
JD: Epic.
He notices he's sitting alone and looks dejected for a second before spotting Shannon twenty feet or so down the beach. He goes to her and is about to say hello when a man steps across his approach path.
MAN: Oh, I'm sorry. Do excuse me.
JD: No problem. It's a big beach, plenty of room.
MAN: Not for that. For this.
He produces a handgun, keeping it covered from plain sight with the angle of his body and the positioning of his other hand. Only JD can see it. His eyes bulge in shock.
MAN: You're coming with me.
JD: Where?
MAN: That's the wrong question, I'm afraid.
JD: Who-who are you?
MAN: (smiling without humour) Almost. The correct question is: who are you? But for now, you'll have to content yourself with calling me Henry. Henry Gale.
He motions with the gun into the jungle. JD has no choice but to follow him.