Lavi: *knocks on door* Mel-chan, you in there? You haven't come out of your room for 3 months now. You haven't even read any stories for three weeks! Are you okay?
Mel: *quiet chanting and keyboard smashing*
Lavi: Er...okay...could you repeat that...?
Mel: *shouts* WORK EQUALS FORCE TIMES DISTANCE! 5 CHOOSE 2 EQUALS 5 FACTORIAL DIVIDED BY 2 FACTORIAL TIMES 3 FACTORIAL! KING LOUIS THE SIXTEENTH OF FRANCE WAS EXECUTED ON JANUARY 21, 1793! *goes back to chanting*
Lavi:...............
Lenalee: I think she's finally lost her mind...
Lavi: Yeah...but what happens to us now...?
*papers appear from under door*
Lenalee: What's this? *picks up and reads* Lavi, it's the next chapter!
Lavi: Really? Finally! This has been fun and all, but I'm getting kinda bored of being a 3 year old.
Lenalee: There's an A/N on it too.
I can never apologize enough to you guys for my horrendous updating schedule. You deserve better than this, especially by alerters and reviewers. And to all the people out there whose stories I'm following, sorry for being such a flake. I'm falling asleep as I'm typing this, but I refuse to postpone this update any longer! It has not been proofread, so forgive any glaring mistakes you may see. The ending was written two months after the beginning, so...yeah...also, ignore the weird A/Ns...
Remember, I DON'T OWN DGM! (Thank god for that; I think I would've been mauled by random fangirls by now for my seasonal updates. X_x)
I hope you enjoy this chapter! *bows*
"We'll be back soon! Take good care of my precious Lenalee while I'm gone!" he called back over his shoulder to Reever as he walked in.
Desperately, the Australian man screamed, "WAIT!" but he was too late. The portal instantly shrunk and disintegrated before his eyes. Feeling a vein throbbing on his temple, Reever did the only thing he could: he turned on his heel and stalked off to "babysitting duty" while cursing his good-for-nothing boss under his breath.
"Komui? Ko~mu~i? Goddamnit Komui, wake up! This isn't funny!"
Clearly irritated, Lys waved her hand a centimeter from the man's nose to get his attention. To her surprise and disappointment, the usually spastic Chief didn't even blink.
She groaned as she was forced to switch to Plan L. "Oi, Lenalee's getting married to Tyki and is already pregnant with quadruplets." Having already seen Reever employ Plan L twice, she immediately stepped back and clamped her hands over her ears…
…only to find that Komui again didn't move a muscle.
Lys finally allowed herself to feel something akin to worry. Even if he was pulling her leg, the sister-complex never failed to react to the marriage maneuver.
Perhaps he was frozen in shock? But why? Sure, they had just stepped through an interdimensional portal and arrived at the entrance to heaven, but she really didn't see what the big deal was. It wasn't like all those weird stories mortals made up to pass the time. There weren't any gates or angelic choirs. The entrance was simply a round lobby with white marble floors, the kind one might expect at a fortune 500 company. The walls were nothing more than floor-to-ceiling windows with the exception of the back of the room, where a blond receptionist sat behind an ebony desk, filing her nails. The door behind her led deeper into the compound.
All in all, there was nothing to gawk at.
…except for the endless sea of clouds outside the windows.
…and the receptionist's two pure white wings.
…and the fact that upon entering the lobby, Lys instantly transformed from a pink puffball to a delicate young woman, height 5'2", with softly curling golden hair reaching down past her shoulders and 6 light lavender, feathered wings replacing her golem wings.
…maybe she should have warned him about this before they got here.
Oh well, too late now.
Without a moment's hesitation, Lys smacked Komui across the face, sending the unsuspecting man crashing into the desk across the room.
"Ow, that hurt~!" he whined as he reached up to rub his poor head and straighten out his glasses. "Lys, what'd you do that for?"
"For being an idiot," she deadpanned. The woman walked over purposefully, white slippers clinking against the floor with each step. "You were staring off into space for 5 whole minutes. How else am I supposed to wake you up?"
"I don't know, something that didn't involve throwing me across the room?" Komui suggested.
"Too much trouble," Lys dismissed.
Pouting, the Chinese man stood up and dusted off his uniform. "Well, you can't really blame me," he said, his usual energy returning to his voice. "This place is amazing! And you-"
"What?" Lys snapped. "You got something to say about the way I look?" The angel's eyes quickly narrowed into slits as her fists clenched around the white silk of her knee length dress. For a moment, it looked like flames danced in the background complete with evil satanic cackling.
Komui immediately put his hands up in surrender. "No no! You look great! You always look great! Heh heh…" he nervously blurted out.
Clucking her tongue is distaste, Lys decided to spare the man and turned on her heel to face the receptionist, who was still filing her nails.
"Excuse me, could you call the Boss and tell Him I have urgent business to discuss? My name's Lys," the blonde said in her most professional tone.
Without even looking up, the secretary ducked behind the desk and pulled out a giant stack of papers. "If you want to talk to the Boss, you'll have to file a formal request. Please fill out all the forms and hand them in. Your request will be processed in six to twelve weeks," she recited tiredly.
"Not more paperwork!" Komui whined.
Ignoring him, Lys tried asking again. "I don't think you understand. This is urgent. I'm the archangel in charge of guarding the Gilded Pen, and it is crucial that I see the Boss right now."
"Like I haven't heard that one before," the seated angel quipped. "Look, I don't care how urgent your business is. Rules are rules. Now beat it before I call security." She looked at the now fuming Lys, an expression of complete boredom ruling her features. "Besides, how could a shrimp like you be an archangel? You don't look a day over 13," she added with a smirk.
"Why you rotten like bi-" Lys was cut off by a pat on the heavy pat on the shoulder and a husky voice teasing, "Now, now, Lys, calm down. We can't afford to keep replacing staff every time someone guesses your age."
"GAH, I'M SORRY!" Komui was flabbergasted as Lys suddenly turned 180 degrees and bowed her head in embarrassment. The fact that the secretary similarly snapped to attention and bowed at the waist failed to clarify the situation.
The man who had spoken merely chuckled at the woman's response. "That's quite all right, if I had a problem with it, I wouldn't have promoted you to archangel, now would I?" His voice immediately reminded Komui of babbling brooks and gently rolling hills.
While Lys mumbled apologies, the Supervisor took the opportunity to observe their new company. The man was quite tall, probably around 6 and a half feet, and pretty well built with a subtle tan and defined muscles. Wavy espresso brown hair reached to his collarbone, framing hazel brown eyes and a handsome face. To the Chinese man's amusement, the "guest" was dressed in what looked like a white silk bathrobe with flip flops. The guy looked like he was in his early twenties. Despite that, he seemed to have a powerful and confident air around him, like he had knowledge beyond his years.
Feeling Komui's gaze, the mystery man turned to face him. At first he looked confused, but the look quickly melted away into a warm smile that could have melted the polar ice caps. "Hello! You must be Komui Lee," he greeted, grasping the Asian man's hand in his own. "Welcome to my humble abode. Name's Bill. Though you might know me better as God. So, what brings y'all here?"
Komui blinked once.
Twice.
Thrice.
Whatever comes after thrice.
"YOU'RE GOD?"
Reever was still cursing Komui by the time he finally got to the library entrance. And surprisingly, he hadn't repeated himself the entire trip. "I should probably take that as a bad sign…" he thought to himself.
"Oh well, here goes nothing." Apprehensively, Reever reached out, grabbed the doorknob, turned it…
…and had his face tackled by a pile of white fuzz.
"WAH, REEVAH! KANDA-NEE-CHAN IS TWYING TO HUHRT ME!"
Correction, his face was tackled by a hysterical Allen. Luckily for Reever, Allen was a skinny one year old, so the force of the blow wasn't enough to knock him over completely. As he staggered to keep his balance, he reached up to try and pry the sobbing exorcist off his head. "Allen, what's wro-"
"MOYASHI, STAND STILL SO I CAN SHAVE THAT OLD MAN HAIR OFF!" Reever never had a chance to finish his question as an armed and dangerous Kanda rammed into his chest. Unfortunately, Kanda was substantially bigger than Allen, so the blow sent the three to the ground with a loud thud.
In his dazed state, Reever just barely made out a frantic Johnny shouting something like, "Kanda-san, please put Mugen down!" He did register, however, when a screaming Kanda and Allen were forcibly dragged off of him.
Finally free to sit up, Reever looked around to find that Krory, Marie, and Miranda had done him the favor of separating the toddlers. Sighing, he stood to his full height and took a quick survey of his surroundings.
Miranda was trying to console a still crying Allen while Marie and Krory were struggling to keep Kanda incapacitated without being beheaded. Lavi was standing next to some weird pink salon thing, putting make up on Lenalee and Mel. Tyki was busy trying to avoid Road, who apparently had gotten some supplies from the salon and wanted to "practice" on her "uncle". Sokaro was taking a nap, Cross was mumbling to himself in a corner (weird…), Tiedoll seemed to be sketching the ensuing chaos, and Klaud was…was…
Where was she?
"Finally, someone sent backup."
Oh, she was right behind him.
Reever turned to say hello to the general, but instead of returning the greeting, Klaud just handed him a rather large paper-wrapped package.
"General, what's this?"
"That is how we're going to keep these crazy brats from killing each other," Klaud replied breezily. "Johnny, help Reever put it on."
"R-right! Come on, Reever." Johnny grabbed Reever by the elbow and steered him out of the room.
"Wha? Put what on?" The man looked absolutely lost. After all, he was usually the man with the plan.
"Oh, heh heh, you'll see," Johnny answered as the two of them disappeared into a bathroom.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER...
Klaud had finally "persuaded" Kanda to give up his goal of shaving Allen's head. With order now restored to the exorcist-noah group, all the kiddies were now sitting in a semi-circle in the middle of the library. According to General Nine, if they waited like good little children, they would get an extra special surprise.
All the babies (and Lavi) were eagerly awaiting the surprise. Tyki, Krory, Miranda, and Marie just didn't feel like making any trouble at the moment. And Kanda, Cross, and Sokaro...they just didn't want to have to be "persuaded" to behave (though Kanda was much calmer anyway after Klaud had undone most of Lavi's "masterpiece").
After waiting around for 10 minutes, they heard some really strange sounds resembling laughter coming from the entrance, the source of which appeared moments later.
It looked like a weird purple dinosaur thing with a bright green stomach. Or maybe it was a hippo. Either way, it had some serious weight problems.
"Hey kids! My name is Barney. Do you want to be friends?" the thing asked in a way-too-enthusiastic voice.
Marie, Tiedoll, Krory, and Miranda simply smiled and waved; they were old enough to recognize Reever, no matter how distorted it sounded through the stuffed head. Cross and Tyki recognized him too. They were having a good time laughing their guts out. Surprisingly, Sokaro seemed completely entranced along with all the smaller kids (Kanda included).
"Fwends?" a wide-eyed Mel asked.
"Yup! We can play all kinds of games if you want!" "Barney" answered.
"But my mommy says I'm not allowed to be fwends with you."
"Why not?"
"She said not to play or go with anyone that wooks like a dinosauwr, gives me candy, or has a red van. And she said if they trwy to make me go with them, I should hit them rweally hard where their zipper is."
At this point, Tyki and Cross were starting to turn an interesting shade of blue.
"That's...very good advice. You have a very smart mommy," the dinosaur awkwardly commended.
"Thank you!" Mel exclaimed happily.
Next to her, Sokaro raised his hand and waved it. "Ooh, ooh, I have a question!"
"What is it, little boy?" "Barney" asked in a sugar-sweet voice.
"Are you a piñata?"
"No, I'm no-"
"So if I hit you, will I get candy?" the general interrtuped. He had this weird look in his eye when he said that too...
Reever tried to correct him again. "I don't have any can-"
"You have candy?" Lavi asked innocently.
"I really don-"
"I want candy!" Road screamed.
"Me too!" Allen shouted.
"Hand over the candy, piñata!" On command, Madness appeared in Sokaro's hand, fully activated in all its super-saw-ness.
And so Reever ran. He ran faster than any man tricked into a Barney suit has ever run before. But Barney is not at all aerodynamic. Reever ran too slow. And now he would have to pay the price...
MEANWHILE
"So let me get this straight: you're God (as in "He-who-created-the-Earth-Sun-and-Stars"), this office building is Heaven, these workers are all angels, and all this time we on Earth have been portraying you as a bearded old man with a personal toga-cloaked choir?"
"You're only half right." Bill smiled knowlingly at his unusual guest. "This is actually Pergatory."
Komui stopped dead in his tracks, leaving him right in the middle of a column of cubicles on the way to the backroom. If it had been physically possible, his mouth would've hit the floor.
"This is Pergatory?"
"Yeah, everyone here is human," Bill calmly replied. He walked back to Komui and placed a friendly hand on his shoulder. "There's no better penance for mortal sins than to sift through all the angels' paperwork. Trust me, I've tried."
Rather than be comforted, however, Komui response was just the opposite; his face turned a ghostly white and he looked as if he was about to hyperventilate.
Worried, the young man turned to Lys. "What's wrong? Did I say something bad?"
Lys rolled her eyes and started dragging the Chinese man along the hallway. "He's got issues with paperwork," she answered.
"Ahh." The boss man resumed leading the duo to the back of the building where a rather nondescript door stood with a gold placard. Imbedded in said placard was the name "William Shein, SB".
"What's 'SB' stand for?"
"Stands for 'Supreme Being.'"
"...YOU CAN READ MY MIND?"
"Of course I can. I'm God, remember?" Bill chuckled at Komui's dumbfounded expression before he reached out an opened the door. Inside was not what the Black Order Supervisor was expecting at all; it looked like a college dormroom, complete with half finished pizzas, beat-up looking couches, a wide screen TV, and a gazillion game consoles with wires all over the place.
"So, what's up, Lys? Having problems with our little authoress-star?" old Bill asked as he plopped down on a couch leaking stuffing on the floor.
"Um, no, not really..." Lys was focusing all her attention on the floor tiles, and her usually commanding voice was no more than a whisper.
"But..." the man egged on.
"Mel-cha...Melody decided to change it into a Macbook early on for convenience's sake, and someone kind of spilled oatmeal all over the keyboard..."
"And now it's not working?"
The angel nodded her head without looking up from the floor. Sighing, the brunette got up and held his hand out flat in front of him. Half a second and a flash of light later, the Gilded Pen was right there, in his hand.
Komui jumped a good 3 feet in the air and let out a rather unmanly shriek at which God could do nothing but laugh.
Regaining his composure, he turned to Lys. "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Mr. Lee, feel to relax, this might take a little while." Komui nodded, and Bill led Lys into another door on the left wall of the lounge.
Now we have a rather interesting situation to deal with; Komui Lee, mad-scientist-to-be, is alone in God's lounge. Like any good guest, he tried waiting on the couches – that lasted all of 5 minutes. Next, he started observing the room's decor – another 2 minutes. Then, he looked over the multiple game consoles; there were probably hundreds of games scattered all over the place with weird titles in languages even the Black Order Supervisor didn't know. However, there was one in English that was already on the TV, paused in what appeared to be an early 19th century battle scene. Any normal guest would have left the game alone and continued in his search for entertainment. Any normal guest wouldn't have decided to help God beat his game; he would have realized that He requires no outside help with such things and that maybe this was more than just a game.
But Komui was not normal, and it wasn't like anything could go wrong in a video game...
BACK ON EARTH...
"Sleep. Blissful, wonderful sleep. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see this bed."
Without pomp or ceremony, Reever collapsed face-first onto his spring mattress, grunting slightly from him multiple bruises, scrapes and cuts making contact with sheets. He really should wash up after the Piñata incident, or at least brush his teeth, but running away from homicidal five-year olds with a double-bladed saw could make you really tired.
Just as his eyelids slammed shut and his brain drifted off to sleep, an obnoxiously loud knock brought Reever back to reality.
"Oh, what now?" he grumbled as he shuffled barefoot to his room's entrance. He threw open the door and was about to practice some new vocabulary on the moron who dared to bother him only to be met by an empty hallway.
"Oi, Reever."
Scratch that last part. Looking down, the scientist was met with a pair of glaring, onyx eyes.
"Oh Kanda, it's you," Reever commented, previous anger replaced with confusion. "What brings you here?"
The boy's ever-present scowl deepened as he averted his eyes to stare at the now-captivating wall to his right. "That baka Usagi's snoring is too damn lound. I need a new room."
The Australian man only blinked in response. Despite their animosity towards each other (or rather, Kanda's animosity towards Lavi), the two exorcists had been living in neighboring rooms ever since Lavi arrived at HQ. Could it be that Lavi suddenly snored louder because he was now a child, or...
"I don't have another room to offer you right now," said Reever, "but you can sleep in here if you'd like."
In a when-pigs-fly moment, Kanda actually looked relieved before he caught himself and went back to scowling. Worlessly, he pushed past Reever and headed straight for the bed.
"So Kanda has bad dreams," Reever mused. "Figures he wouldn't ask for company directly."
Smiling to himself, the man closed the door and pulled some extra blankets out of the closet. He'd let Kanda take the bed, and considering who he was dealing with, sharing pillows was not an option. He might wake up tomorrow with a sore neck, but that was okay. He just wanted some sleep.
Sighing with content, Reever lay down on his makeshift bed, closed his eyes, and...
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"Hmm, seems Kanda wasn't the only one with problems sleeping. Oh well," the man thought. "It's just one more kid. How bad can it be?"
The universe must really hate Reever right now.
Everyone, even the generals and the Noahs, had come knocking on his door, requesting/demanding entrance. And due to space constraints, he was now sleeping with Krory's feet an inch from his face and Mel constantly elbowing him in the pancreas.
Whatever Reever had done in his last life to deserve this, it must have been apocalypse worthy, at least.
"Chief! Chief! Wake up!"
"mmnnnmnm, five more minutes...."
"CHIEF, GET UP! THE EXORCISTS ARE MISSING!"
"WHAT?"
BOINK
"Ow...my head...Johnny?"
"Chief, thank goodness! The kids are all gone!"
" *yawn* No they're not. They're right...........OH SHI-"
Attention, all Order personel. Head Generals Sokaro, Nine, Cross, and Tiedoll; Exorcists Kanda, Lavi, Arystar, Lotto, Walker, Marie, and Lee; Noahs Road and Tyki; and Miss Melody have been reported missing. All avaliable staff are to search for these individuals immediately. Exorcists and Miss Melody are to be brought back unharmed. I repeat, all availiable staff are to search for the Head Generals, Exorcists, Noahs, and Miss Melody. They are to be brought back unharmed.
Mel: So, did ya like it? Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh? *stares wide-eyed*
Lenalee: Mel-chan, maybe you should calm down...
Mel: Calm down? Who needs to calm down? I'm perfectly calm! *eye twitch*
Lenalee:...I can see that...
Mel: Now I have to study combinatorics! :O
But before I do that, I'd like to thank the kind souls who reviewed last chapter and ask that you guys would again do me the great honor of writing a review. Even when I update really slowly, your words really do mean a lot. I already promised I wouldn't abandon this baby, and I promise I won't! After all, I only have one more "day" to go! ^_^