Dragon Age Inquisition
F!Adaar x The Iron Bull
A/N – I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. I'm going to say right now that many of you will not like this chapter, which covers a subject that is very sensitive to many people and has lots of feels. I got a prompt for a preggers Inquisitor. I decided to write two versions, each with different outcomes. You can probably guess what I am referring to. Anyway, here you are. Additional notes at the end.
**Spoiler Alert for the mission entitled A Puppet Master**
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dragon Age or its characters, nor do I profit from this work.
Ch. 14 – Imekari Pt. 1
Garesh heaved one last time, her stomach having emptied its contents all over the base of a poor tree. Her eyes watered, and she stood up enough to lean against the trunk.
She and her companions were in the Emerald Graves again, having finally lured out the individual pulling the strings of the Freedmen. They'd woken up shortly after dawn, hoping to get an early start on their mission.
But the Inquisitor was having a tough time of it. As they'd turned down a ridge, they had come across an August ram carcass, presumably a great bear kill. The smell had been ripe, and Garesh's stomach had immediately reacted.
She coughed as a canteen was placed in her hands, and she lifted her eyes see Bull standing by her, a concerned look on his face. "You alright, Kadan?" Garesh nodded gratefully, rinsing her mouth and spitting before taking a few sips.
Her lover rubbed her back when she straightened, trying to comfort her. He wasn't good at this sort of stuff, so he stood by, a solid body for her to lean on if she had need of him.
"You're a horrendous sight, my dear," Vivienne commented as she came to her. The Inquisitor had had episodes of sickness for more than a few mornings since they'd been camping here. It had not gone unnoticed by the enchanter. "I think maybe we should return to Skyhold to have you looked after."
"I can't do that," Garesh replied with a groan as her stomach lurched. "We have to get to the Pavilion and get rid of that Templar. I can't afford to leave this place while the Freedmen are still a threat!"
"I'll stay," Bull assured. "We'll kick this guy's ass, and finish things up here. You go and get looked at." He raised his chin when she made to protest. "Go. No rifts this time, so we'll be fine." His eyebrow was raised, and she knew it was best not to argue anymore.
Cole nodded in agreement, though he looked like he wanted to say something more. But the boy stayed uncharacteristically quiet, a faint smile on his thin lips.
Garesh accepted that she just wasn't needed this time. She tried not to feel put out about that. Vivienne turned to go with her. "No. I'll not leave them without a mage too," Garesh grumbled. "I can make it back to camp on my own."
"No, my dear," Vivienne replied firmly. "We're putting a hold on the mission for now. I am accompanying you to camp and then back to Skyhold. We will send replacements for us once we are there."
She leaned in when the Inquisitor looked like she would protest, her voice low. "I think your affliction is more than simple stomach problems, my dear. I can check once we get back."
Garesh considered her words. She wasn't sure, couldn't think right now with all that was going on. But she took the enchanter's words at face value. The four of them journeyed back to their camp located among the Direstone ruins.
The Inquisitor was too shaky to ride her Amaranthine Charger for the trip home. So the soldiers moved some supplies aside to make room for her on a cart bound for Skyhold. Not the most flamboyant of accommodations to be sure, but it was better than the sometimes jarring gait of her mount.
The large, black horse snorted and danced sideways when Bull tried to grab the reins so he could tie him to the cart.
Garesh stood slowly, taking a deep breath to calm her stomach. Vivienne had given her some elfroot tea to help, and the nausea had started to abate. Nonetheless, she was still to go home; Madam De Fer's orders.
She walked over, careful of her steps. "Here," she said, moving up beside her lover. She made cooing noises and spoke softly. "Come on Cassius," she urged, grabbing the reins and stroking the stallion's neck. "Walk on."
The horse whickered softly and let the Inquisitor lead him over to the cart where soldiers waited. As she positioned him, the animal nudged her, prompting a scratch behind his ear. She made sure he was securely tied to the back of the cart, and fed him a carrot for his trouble.
She turned to Bull with a smile. He was frowning at the horse. "I wonder if I should be jealous," he muttered, making her chuckle when Cassius snorted at him. Bull helped her climb onto the cart, setting a rolled blanket behind her and handing over her pack.
He bent to speak with her, but heard someone straightening her voice beside him. If it were ever possible for someone to make the sound of clearing a throat sound haughty, she could do it with flair. When Bull turned around, it was to find Vivienne waiting with an extended hand.
Quick to his duty, he assisted the Knight Enchanter to her seat on the cart. She had forgiven the less-lavish accommodations to be supportive of Garesh. She sat with a pleased smile, able to make a regular supply cart look like a gilded carriage. "Thank you, Bull."
"Not a problem…ma'am." He walked around to the side nearest Garesh. "Be careful, Kadan. I will join you as soon as we finish here." He leaned in and sealed her lips with his. Her hand came to the back of his neck as the kiss became a little more involved.
Vivienne straightened her voice again with no results. She could hear annoying noises as the two Qunari kissed. Finally, she could take no more. "Ahem!"
Bull gave an eye roll, his face hidden against his lover. Garesh smiled and pecked him one last time. "I love you," she whispered.
He moved back, tipping an imaginary hat with a pleased smirk. "I know you do. I'll see you soon." He tried to keep his face bland when he nodded to Vivienne. "Take care, ma'am."
The enchanter gave him a knowing grin as she nodded. The poor thing, she thought, watching him watch the Inquisitor with puppy eyes he was probably unaware of. Who would think such a large, often brutal warrior could be so besotted?
They watched each other until the cart took the Inquisitor out of sight. Dorian and Sera would be replacing her and Vivienne, a bird having been dispatched to one of their other camps asking for them to come with haste. She tried not to feel inadequate, incapable at her job.
How could she, the famed Herald of Andraste, be sidelined by a stomach bug?
Her mind whispered worries to her subconscious, worries that this affliction was something entirely different, something much more permanent. But she refused to entertain them.
She was the Inquisitor, and such a commitment simply wasn't possible right now, not with Corypheus and his minions still at large and wreaking havoc across Thedas.
Still, she'd lain with Bull many times, enough to have lost count. She knew she should have taken precautions, had actually planned to. Why hadn't she?
So many times she'd had the chance. Now she'd have to…no. She couldn't let her thoughts take her down that path. She knew she'd stress, and she didn't need that, not until she knew for sure.
Her displeased sigh caught her friend's attention. Vivienne patted her hand supportively. "Don't worry yourself, my dear," she assured. "Once we get back to Skyhold, we'll sort everything out."
Garesh agreed, leaning her head back and willing herself to rest as she closed her eyes. The cart was better than her horse, but not by much. It was going to be a long ride.
The Inquisitor went to her balcony, one of Leliana's birds in her hands. As she sent the messenger on its way, her hand came to her belly. Hopefully Bull would get the message soon. She needed him.
Scout Harding had written that both Sera and Dorian had made it safely to their camp in just a day's time. Subsequently the force behind the Freedman, a Red Templar by the name of Carrol, was eliminated. The party had stayed however to clean up what was left of the opposition.
Hopefully things would be concluded soon. Garesh needed to see Bull, to tell him about everything and what she'd decided.
After they had returned to Skyhold, Vivienne and the Inquisitor had gone directly to the infirmary. There, a special potion was made, one that utilized the same magic the Templars used in the making of phylacteries.
Garesh had then watched in wonder as her finger was pricked and held over the lip of the bottle. Several drops of blood fell, and the fluid, once colorless, had instantly taken on a bright green hue.
Vivienne had raised her eyes to the Inquisitor, a neutral expression on the enchanter's face. "My dear, it is as I thought. You are pregnant."
Garesh had hardly been surprised. Even if she'd half hoped it wouldn't be true, in her heart she'd known. She'd been nauseous in the mornings for a while now, but with so much going on her mind was distracted. Truthfully, she'd been running from the truth. Now her full attention was on this situation and what she would have to do.
Now she just needed to wait for Bull.
Bull finished freshening up before leaving his quarters to go and find his Inquisitor. The bird had brought a missive requesting they return as soon as possible, and he'd been told almost immediately after his arrival back at Skyhold that the Inquisitor had required his presence.
The urgency of the message had worried him.
He hoped she was alright. Back in the Emerald Graves, she'd looked a little green about the gills, as much as one of their race could anyway. He'd have come to check on her regardless.
Arriving at her door, he raised a hand to knock just in time for it to open. Vivienne was leaving and smiled sympathetically at the warrior. "Hello, dear," she greeted.
"Hello ma'am."
She gave him a pat on the shoulder as she passed him by. "Please be understanding. She has a lot to deal with." And with that, the enchanter went on her way.
Bull watched her with confusion then decided it was best to see after Adaar. When he reached the top of the stairs, he found her at her desk, trying in vain to read a letter. He approached her, and when she looked up he could see the strain in her eyes. She looked like she hadn't been sleeping well.
"Kadan, what's up?" he asked tentatively.
She dropped her eyes and sighed. Bull put an arm around her to show his support, giving her all the time she needed. "It's okay," he said. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it."
She lifted her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant, Bull."
His eye widened a fraction as a thousand thoughts flew through his mind. A…baby, with Garesh? His face cracked with a brilliant smile. They'd skirted this topic before, when her family had come to visit with her two young siblings.
He remembered thinking about them as parents, entertaining the faint hope that one day…yes! He let out an ecstatic whoop and pulled her from her chair, hugging her close and twirling her around.
"This is great!" His smile, showing the purest of happiness, broke Garesh's heart. "Wait till I tell my boys!"
Garesh sighed, laying her head against his chest. "Bull, I can't…" She had to make this quick, before she completely lost her nerve. She raised her face. "Vivienne told me there's a potion, one that the mages often used in the Circle. It's made from felandaris, deathroot, and some other ingredients. It can…end it."
He froze, his face incredulous. "End it..?" he asked. "What? You want to kill our baby?" He searched her face, noted the hopeless, dull expression in her eyes. "Kadan, why? You can't!"
She pressed a hand to his chest, trying to calm him. "Bull-"
"No," he interrupted, moving away from her. "You make my heart swell only to break it with your next breath. Why did you even bother to tell me?"
"Because you're the father!" Garesh yelled, angry now. "You're the one who made me this way. In any case, that means you had the right to know!"
"Even if anything I had to say would mean nothing?!" He took a step back from her. "I can't believe this, that you would…"
She turned away from his angry gaze. "Why don't you understand, Bull? I am the only one who can close the rifts, who can balance the scales against Corypheus. I can't be pregnant now."
Bull tried to think above the anger. He knew she was right. He really did. They should have taken steps to prevent this.
But he was still angry, hurt that the happiness he had imagined so long ago, of a little gray hand and a nubby-horned head, was about to slip through his fingers. He wanted that, he realized, wanted it more than anything.
"Yes, you're the Inquisitor. I get that," Bull said gently. "But you have companions, friends who would gladly lay down their lives for you. I would lay down my life for you. Don't you think I could protect you?"
"I have no doubt you could," she answered. "But when we are on the battlefield, surrounded by our enemies, surrounded by chaos, I can't be the burden that causes you to miss the blow you would normally dodge, because you're too busy looking after me to watch your own back. Bull, I can't be the reason you fall. I can't."
Tears spilled from her eyes as she pleaded with him. "Please, Bull. Please understand. I have to be the Inquisitor now. I can't do that and be a mother, not at the same time, not with all that's at stake."
He tried his hardest to follow her logic. It made his head hurt. Where she saw it as upholding her duty, he only saw her sacrificing a child created of their love.
Who knew what could happen? He lived a life of violence and blood, had before the Inquisition and probably would after. He could die before this all ended, before he and Garesh could hope to be in this position again.
What if this was his only chance to leave something behind?
She reached for him, her fingertips just barely grazing him. But he jerked away. He saw the hurt in her face when he did so, but he didn't have the words. He had no comfort to give, not when he needed so much himself.
Without a word, The Iron Bull left the Inquisitor.
Garesh watched him go, angrily wiping tears from her face. She would give him space, if that's what he wanted. He obviously needed time to think. Maybe then, he would understand why this had to happen. Vivienne had told her she would assist in the process, make it as quick and painless as possible.
Earlier that day, before Bull and their companions had returned, she'd sent a second bird. She hoped that the contents would reach its destination quickly.
They would help. And she would get the support and understanding she really needed, even if her lover never returned to her. He was obviously hurting.
But what about her? She was hurting too.
A few days later, Ataani Adaar rode through the gates of Skyhold. She'd been playing with her twins the evening that a bird had alighted on her windowsill. They had recognized the Inquisition's crest on the message attached to the animal's leg.
Once she'd read it, Ataani had immediately started packing. Her daughter needed her, and she would never turn her away. Kutal was confident he could care for the twins on his own, and would follow her if need be.
So here she was, and without delay she gave her mount's reins to Master Dennet and made her way to her daughter's quarters. She noted the odd looks she got from unfamiliar faces. They didn't know her, so it was probably out of the ordinary to see another Qunari here other than the Inquisitor and her lover.
Oh well. That was no concern of hers. She traversed the steps up to Garesh's quarters and let herself in. She'd have to address the fact that no guards were posted to keep the leader of the Inquisition safe at a later time.
Right now, all that mattered was Garesh's welfare.
When she came to the top of the stairs, she saw that Garesh's room was quiet. Her daughter was lying on her bed, fast asleep.
"Oh, Kadan," Ataani murmured as she approached the bed. The Inquisitor was positioned on her side, and one of her hands was over her belly, as if done unconsciously. The older Qunari was filled with sympathy.
She could imagine the pain and uncertainty Garesh was facing. She remembered going through such feelings herself, when she had fallen pregnant to Kutal while they were still under the Qun.
It had been an unauthorized breeding. Ataani had known what would happen if it had been discovered that she and Kutal had carried on a romantic relationship, something unheard of and particularly frowned upon under their laws.
She had considered terminating her pregnancy, something she would never admit to Garesh. In the end, her love for Kutal and their baby had swayed her from that path. She held no regrets.
But this was a different situation. Garesh wasn't a cog in the wheel of the Qun. She was a leader of an entire movement. She had to uphold the reputation and strength of the Inquisition, and most, if not all of Thedas depended on her ability to make the right decisions and have the right priorities.
Ataani did not envy the position her daughter was in. She caressed her head, smoothing the furrows between her eyes. Maybe she was worrying, even in sleep. "Garesh," Ataani whispered.
Her fingers moved to the base of her daughter's horns, rubbing gently. Garesh's expression smoothed out, and she started slightly as she woke. Her eyes were unfocused as she got her bearings. Then her gaze fell on the former Tamassran.
"Mother," she said with a smile as her eyes began to water. "I'm so glad you're here." She sat up and hugged Ataani tightly, as if wanting to draw strength from her. "I'm so sorry to call you here so unexpectedly, especially with the twins."
"Do not worry, Kadan," her mother replied. "Your father has everything well in hand. I will always come when you have need of me." She pressed her forehead to hers.
They sat that way for a time, and Garesh finally spoke. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing, Mother? What would you do?"
Ataani shook her head. "I have never faced the burdens that you bear, child, not even when I was still under the Qun. Everything was too…structured for such a thing to occur. Only through my actions did a change come. All I can say is that you have to do what you feel is best. It is you who will have to live with the consequences."
"Bull is angry with me," Garesh murmured. "You should have seen the look he gave me. He thinks I'm murdering our baby. He doesn't understand that I have to prioritize all of Thedas over my personal wishes. Corypheus is too much of a threat for me to do any less."
Ataani listened to her daughter unburden herself. It was a terrible situation for any woman, any leader, to find themselves in. But she knew that all would be well, given time.
Until then, she would be here.
Bull slammed the tankard down, trying his hardest to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. "Barkeep...another!" He was tired of thinking, tired of mulling over all the possibilities in his head, especially when those possibilities were about to come to a premature and abrupt halt.
How could she do this? This was a life they had made together, and she wanted to kill it? He had no experience as a father, not even as a father figure, having had none of his own. He didn't know the first thing about raising children. It frightened him like nothing else in his life.
But he had wanted the opportunity to try.
Why wouldn't she let him try? She feared having to go to battle while pregnant. But he could protect her! He could protect them both! Did she doubt his prowess as a warrior? No. Everyone had seen him in action. That wasn't possible. So what was it?
He just didn't understand.
Maybe before, long ago, when he was all about duty and putting the needs of everyone else ahead of his own, he could understand. After all, he hadn't had the Chargers to watch his back or the friendships he cherished now.
But these days he knew that you had to pluck any shred of happiness from this life when it presented itself. He just wished she knew it too.
She had an Inquisition full of people of all races who would die to protect her. Why couldn't she just try? He took another drink.
"So, Tiny, you just gonna sit here sulking all night?" quipped a familiar voice off to his right. Varric smirked over his bottle of ale as Bull met his eyes.
"I am not sulking," Bull growled.
"Looks that way to me," Varric replied. "Funny, that. Seems to me that you should be comforting the woman you supposedly love as she makes what will probably be the hardest personal decision in her life."
The warrior regarded him with a questioning eye. How the hell did he know about that? Bull didn't bother to ask. Varric was a writer after all. He had to be good at snooping. Or maybe Cole had told him.
Bull scoffed. "Yes. Well, she made it clear that it was her decision. Only hers. I had no say in the matter." He took another drink. "What do you know of it, Dwarf?" Bull seethed.
"I know that my friend is suffering through this alone, because you've decided to focus on how hurt you are. I never took you for the selfish type, Tiny, not coming from the Qun. She needs you, and you're here, getting shitfaced and going on about how much this hurts you. Come off it! No matter how much this sucks for you, I guarantee her pain is much, much worse."
The Dwarf's attention was momentarily distracted as he stared off at something behind Bull's left shoulder. He then jumped from his barstool, throwing a few silvers near his bottle. "If you won't listen to me," he said matter-of-factly. "I think I know someone you will listen to." With that he sauntered off.
Bull turned to watch him go…and met the advancing figure of the Inquisitor's mother. Her steps were purposeful, and her face was…displeased to say the least. In the crowded tavern, people were jumping out of her way and wisely so.
Bull sighed. It was going to be a long night.
The next day, Madame Vivienne came to the Inquisitor's quarters, having received word that she was ready to do what had to be done. She brought the red liquid tucked in her robes and made her way up the stairs and to Garesh, who was seated on the bed with her mother.
Ataani nodded to the mage, a supportive arm around her daughter, who looked as though she'd rather be facing two high dragons than doing this.
"Once you have taken the potion, you will need to avoid strenuous activity for a while," Vivienne explained. "Your body will purge itself, and it will feel as if you are going through your monthly courses."
She saw the uncertainty and grief, the fear on her charge's face. It wasn't something she took lightly. "Everything will be fine, my dear," she assured. "None of the mages who took this potion ever had any complications."
Garesh nodded, trying to keep from crying. She wasn't worried for herself. She was sad to have to say goodbye to the innocent life within her she'd only just been acquainted with. And without Bull by her side, she felt…empty. Lost.
She held out her hand for the bottle.
Everyone was still as they heard the chamber door open and close with a slam. Heavy steps sounded, and The Iron Bull appeared, his eyes immediately finding Garesh.
He came to her, struggling to meet her eyes. For a moment, he found it hard to speak, not knowing what to say. But then, he stretched out his hand and took one of hers. "I'm sorry, Kadan," he murmured contritely. "…for leaving you. I was only thinking of my own feelings."
He glanced at Ataani, who gave him a small smile. "I know this is something you feel you have to do, and though I still think I could have helped you make this work, I will stand by you no matter what."
She smiled tearfully at him. "I'm sorry too," she replied. Bull sat on the side opposite her mother, and the Inquisitor finally took the warm bottle in her hand. She paused to inspect the philter. It was an oddly beautiful liquid to be so destructive. She took a deep breath.
"Drink it slowly," Vivienne advised. And so she did.
The warm fluid went down smoothly and wasn't too bitter to the tongue. When she had taken in all of the contents, she returned the bottle. The room was quiet as everyone watched her for any reaction.
There was no pain for now. Garesh met Vivienne's eyes. "I'm fine," she said. At least, she felt so physically. Her spirit felt heavy with guilt and sadness. She kept wondering about what could have been, if the life she'd just ended would have been male or female, tall or broad, if they'd have been a warrior or maybe even a mage.
Now they would never know.
She leaned heavily on Bull as the tears began to steadily run down her face. He held her close, closing his eye as sadness finally overtook him too.
What would the little imekari have looked like? Would its horns have looked like his or Garesh's? Would it have grown to do great things? Would it have been good? Kind? A good leader others looked up to?
He set his chin over her head as she cried. Soon, the others began to leave, to give the mourning couple the space they needed. Ataani leaned over and kissed her daughter on her head, her heart breaking for her as well as the grandchild she would never meet before following the mage down the stairs.
However much time passed neither knew or cared. Bull held her until her crying ceased, until she settled into a sleep borne of exhaustion and mental drainage. When the cramping came, he held her and whispered comforting words in Qunlat to her.
Ms. Vivienne sent a maid with the same elfroot tea that had helped her in the Graves, much to the Inquisitor's relief.
Then there was the blood. There was plenty, and she again collapsed into crying at the sight of it, as she thought again of what might have been.
Bull was her rock, a solid pillar of strength to keep her grounded. She knew his heart had broken too, and would forever regret making the decision that brought the dullness to his eye.
Bull cuddled her close. He'd been hurting, badly. But he'd come back to be with her. They needed to weather this storm together. He remembered Ataani's words in the Herald's Rest.
"Shame on you, Bull," she'd admonished. "Do you think Garesh is not hurting, that she truly wants to do this?" He'd only been able to shake his head, his eyes on the murky fluid in his tankard.
"No, she does not. She suffers just as you do. Garesh always said she would be a great mother, that she would be as devoted to her children as I was to her. But she has more than just her own desires to think about now. People could die based on her decisions! Trust me when I say that she feels terrible, and now more than ever she needs you to be there for her."
"It is through the deeds of both the mother and father that a child is born," Ataani continued. "Do not punish her as though it is her fault alone. You would dishonor yourself with such an action." Then the former Tamassran departed to return to her daughter.
Bull had felt like a complete ass after she'd said those words. He had acted like a child, had refused to listen and gone off to comfort himself while Garesh had been left to endure alone. It wasn't long after that that Bull had decided to be by her side when the time came.
He'd gone to Vivienne and found out the details, how it would affect Garesh and if she'd be alright after. Then he'd tried to rest, though his mind had kept him from truly doing so.
The next morning, Crem had told him he'd seen Madame Vivienne heading toward the Inquisitor's chambers.
Bull had hurried there and made it just in time. He was glad he hadn't missed it.
He held his lover closer as he thought about that. All that mattered was that he was there when she had really needed him. He resolved to always be there when she needed him.
Three days passed in a blur. Surprisingly, no one troubled the Inquisitor or her lover with Inquisition business as they mourned and supported each other. Both her mother and Vivienne had stopped by to check in on her, but their visits had been short. Food and drink were brought, and all was peaceful until it was over.
It was sunny on the Frostback Mountain range, contradictory to the gloom and grief still buried in their hearts. They lay together on her bed, her head against his chest, both minds busy.
"After all this is over, Bull," Garesh began. "We can have as many babies as we want."
He rubbed her shoulder in response. "No doubt. And we will. Still, I will always wonder…"
"I know. I will too…until the day I die." She tilted her eyes up and waited until he met her gaze. "I will get on that contraceptive tea Vivienne was talking about immediately. I should have always been on it."
"This was on both of us," Bull said. "Don't just blame yourself."
He butted her forehead with his. "I can't go through this again, Kadan. As hard as it may be, I won't touch you again until you've taken that tea. I can't lose another…I just can't go through this again."
She smiled up at him sadly, her hand cradling his clenched jaw. He must have looked forward to being a father. She knew that, despite his upbringing, Bull would be excellent at it.
She leaned up and kissed him. "Agreed."
The two settled back and watched the clouds glide slowly across the alpine sky, wisps from the Breach tickling them as they passed. Soon, the Inquisitor would close the damned thing for good, defeat Corypheus, and put Thedas back into balance.
Then, she and Bull could live as they wished, free from the Inquisition and all the burdens it brought. Thedas could look to someone else for salvation for a change.
And one day, they'd hold their own imekari in their arms. And they would love him or her with all they had.
**So there it is. What did you think? I hope that this didn't trigger any terrible memories for anyone, and this chapter in no way reflects my opinions on the subject. I hope you'll stick with me for future updates. Expect the "other version" soon. Please review, and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!