And I'm back! Tada! I didn't keep you waiting for months instead I actually got off my ass and wrote something. Yay!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Brian Chapter Fourteen

By Rosa241

In loving memory of Jesse Lindberg

1982 – 2001

Forever loved

It's not the first time that I've seen those words but every time it hits me like a freight train. He shouldn't be lying there in the cold ground. He should be here with us. Everything happened so fast after pulling Vince off of that truck that it wasn't until it was over, until long after Dom had disappeared, that I really had any time to stop and think about Jesse. The moment I did everything had just come to me so suddenly.

Jesse was dead.

He was dead and it was all my fault.

Standing here at his grave the first time around was when it fully hit me. I remember breaking down here in the dead of night all alone. Watching them all standing there the guilt hits me harder than ever. Letty stalks off in the opposite direction to everyone else, from the look on her face I'd wager that she was soon for tears. She doesn't strike me as the kind of person that easily cries.

She shouldn't be crying.

"I'll take Mia home." Leon's words have my eyes drifting to him. Before he turns around and heads over to the car I catch sight of his face. The sadness in his eyes was enough to tear a man apart. Loosing Jesse really is killing him.

And it's all your fault.

The voice in my head that's been screaming at me ever since that day is getting louder than ever. Unable to stand being here anymore I quickly make my way back to the car. Sitting there I attempt to force the guilt away, like I have done so many times, but this time it won't disappear. This time the guilt is here to stay. Quite how long I sit here alone trying my best not to break down I don't know but by the time Vince finally joins me rain has started pattering down onto the car breaking the silence that had descended over me.

"Well that just about sums up the day." His words are meant to make me smile I can tell but I make no sign of having heard him. I can't talk to him right now. I can't…

"Talk to me baby." For a moment I struggle to get the words out but the moment I do something happens that I've been trying to avoid for so long.

"This is all my fault." As soon as the words are out the tears start pouring from my eyes. With anyone else I'd be embarrassed but right now I couldn't care less. He pulls me into his chest and I find myself clinging onto him for support whilst sobbing into his shirt. Tears pour out faster and faster until I think I'm going to keel over from the pain in my chest.

It's not fair.

All of this is so unfair.

Why did this have to happen?

After what feels like forever I finally begin to pull myself together and find my panic beginning to calm. I attempt to pull away but Vince doesn't let me.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have done that." I manage to mumble the apology despite the crushing hug he has me in.

"You're allowed to grieve Brian. Jesse was your friend too." Finally accepting that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, something that deep down I'm grateful for, I settle in his arms. "Talk to me baby."

How?

How do you tell someone that they lost a brother because of you?

How do you tell someone that?

Having kept it to myself for so long it proves harder than I would imagine to get the words out. Once I do however a weight lifts off my chest and for the first time in months I feel like I can breathe.

"He did it because of me. He put up his car because that's what I did against Dom. I think he was trying to impress me." I thought I'd feel worse for talking about it but something inside me lightens when I speak my words.

"Did you try to stop him?" Attempting to pull away so that I can glare at him does nothing so instead I settle for glaring into his shirt. "Did you try to stop him?"

"Of course I did. Jesus Vince I tried to talk him out of it but he didn't listen! He had no intentions of listening to me. Short of locking him up somewhere I don't think anything I said would have made a difference." Does he actually think that I just let him go? Of course I didn't. I tried to stop him. I tried but he didn't listen, I wish to god he had but he just didn't.

"So how is this your fault?" This time he lets me pull away and I stare at him in shock. Did he just…?

"What?" I finally find my voice after a moment of silence.

"You tried to stop him from racing but he didn't listen. I know you didn't tell him to take off after the race and you tried to save his life. So tell me again how this is your fault?"

How is this your fault?

He raced because of me.

You tried to stop him.

I should have tried harder.

He wouldn't have listened.

"Well I…you…I mean he…" Shock is reigning through me as I think about his words on the drive back home. As I settle on the couch, accepting the bottle I'm handed, I couldn't care less about the fact that it's obvious I've been crying or the tear tracks still on my face. Instead there's only one thing going through me mind.

Maybe this isn't my fault.

Maybe…

You tried to stop him from racing but he didn't listen.

That's true. I tried to stop him from doing it, I knew he couldn't win and he had to know. Jesse knew cars better than anyone but he still did it. There was no way that he could have won I told him that but he still raced.

I know you didn't tell him to take off after the race.

Damn right I didn't. That was a fools move. He knew the kind of person Tran was. There's no way in hell he was ever going to let Jesse just disappear without revenge. Once Jesse took off he sealed his own fate. There's nothing I could have done once he tore away from that race.

You tried to save his life.

That's the whole reason I went back to the house first. That house is the place where Jessie felt safe and I know that if he would have gone anywhere it would have been there. Either that or the garage. When he turned up I felt so much relief. We could protect him, keep him safe but then they were there and it was over.

So tell me again how this is your fault?

Despite my best attempts I find it almost impossible to think up why. All my arguments keep getting batted off with Vince's words. Every time I think up a new reason as to why his death is on my hands Vince's voice comes back into my mind.

So tell me again how this is your fault?

Maybe it's not.

Maybe…

Okay so a short chapter but an important one. Yay! Vince has finally gotten through to Brian and he's starting to accept that what happened with Jesse isn't his fault. Woo! Of course there's still Mia to deal with. What to do with her?

Until next time,

Bye x