Haven't done a disclaimer in a while so…

Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent or any of its characters. I wish I did but I don't. I only own my ideas and OCs.

The next few weeks are spent with me and Tobias lounging in my room or on the couch. I am slowly losing my mind and I expect it to be worse at this speed – losing my mind. I think that losing it all at once would be better than this. I love Tobias, I really do, but – wait, I love Tobias? I don't know.

Maybe I do.

Maybe I don't.

I don't know.

These past few weeks – they have been great – but do I really love him just yet?

The uncertainty is clingy to my chest like a new born baby does to its mother. It stays attached at the hip – or at least it probably should. It hits my chest like an airbag does in a car accident. The sudden whoosh of pressure – it comes so quickly that I can't stop it. I don't know where my sudden anxiety comes from. Maybe it's the fact that I was shot. Or the fact that I just started this relationship and I think I love him already. Or what occurred in my past.

I know. I shouldn't complain.

But those memories stay in my mind. Sometimes, they trap me like I am underneath a bus.

Other times I am as free as the birds on my collar bone – which I unfortunately must hide constantly since only my mom and Caleb know I got them a year ago. I should probably tell Tobias about them. So, I do.

"Hey," I turn to Tobias who sits next to me, his arm draped over my shoulder and my fingers interlaced with his. He looks at me questionably, so I continue. "I want to show you something." I slowly lift my shirt up, knowing that I have a tank top underneath my old, long sleeved t-shirt that still fits me from the seventh grade.

"Woah, Tris, I know we've been dating for a few weeks now, but I don't think we're ready for that. I mean, I like you, very much. Hell, I might even love you." I look at him, shocked that he admitted that to me. "Shit, I just said that out loud."

"Might?"

"Well, maybe I do love you, but I am afraid to scare you off."

"Well, you should know better than that," I say, stopping the process of taking my sweater off.

"Fine. Then I love you Beatrice Eliza Prior."

"And I love you Tobias James Eaton."

"Tris, don't just say that. You don't – "

"I'm not just saying that." I pause for a few moments, letting him say something, anything, if he wanted. He didn't. So, I continue. "I really do have something to show you, though." I lift my shirt up the rest of the way and pull it over my head, setting it on the couch next to me. I pull the hem of my tank top down a little bit. He stares at my collar bone which is laced with the black birds.

Tobias decides to break the silence. "What do they mean?" he asks quietly, almost silent. He gently reaches his hand up and it tickles its way down towards my heart, not in a sexual way. Its in a way that makes this, being with him, so much more surreal.

I am quiet for some time, but then I respond by rushing my words out of my mouth. "Well, umm… my ex-boyfriend, he kinda hit me sometimes and other times he would be so sweet and then I finally broke up with him. It wasn't until after the shooting, and stabbing I should say, that I found out that he was bipolar, and he wasn't taking his meds the whole time he was with me. He got revenge on some of the people I loved." I pause for a minute letting it soak in completely. He looks stunned. I take a deep breath before I continue. "Ummm… I used to have two brothers. Caleb, Wyatt, and I… we were super close. As you know, Caleb is in the grade above us. What you don't know is that I was a twin. Wyatt was my twin brother. Twenty-eight minutes and seventeen seconds older than me. So, I was originally the youngest of three kids, not two. Yeah, so in the last month of freshman year, Mason and I broke up. We had started dating at the beginning of the year and he invited me over everyday after school. And when I stopped coming over, he threatened he would beat me at school and make my life hell. So many times, he could have, would have, raped me if it wasn't for his younger sister coming home from school. He just adored her. But, back to my point. He had walked into an end-of-the-school-year assembly with a gun and an 8-inch knife in his bookbag. As soon as it started, he opened fire. Everyone went scattering. Afterwards, I found out that Wyatt was with Caleb. Yeah, but I ran off with my two best friends who knew everything about me. Especially all the stuff with Mason. He apparently ran after me because he wanted his revenge on me. Eventually, me and my two friends, Piper and Noah, we stopped running, thinking we were safe. We weren't. He made a clean shot to Noah's heart and he stabbed Piper. I had to watch the light leave her eyes." By now, I am sobbing into Tobias's shoulder and he is rubbing small circles into my back and mumbling sweet nothings to me.

"You can stop, Tris. You don't have to tell me everything." I shake my head in response and continue my story now that my tears have slowed down.

"He watched me as I held her head in my lap and mumbled to her and watched the light leave her eyes. After I was semi-weak from sobbing over the death of the only two friends I have ever had, he shoved me into the lockers and held me in a chokehold for what felt like hours since I couldn't breathe. Then, he dropped me onto the floor and stabbed me in the stomach before I had the chance to catch my breath. The blade went in six and a half inches and almost hit my spine. If it wasn't for the cop that came in and shot him while he was in the midst of stabbing me, I would be paralyzed or dead right now. After I was in the hospital and I woke up, I found out that just before Mason found me, Piper, and Noah, he killed Wyatt and got Caleb in the shoulder." I pause, wiping the tears that stream down my face once again. "Yeah, so I got the three birds to represent the loved ones that I lost that day. I lost both of my groups of the three musketeers. Piper, Noah, and me. Caleb, Wyatt, and me. Caleb and I became the lonesome twosome. That's what we were called during my sophomore year and Caleb's junior year. Everyone knew about it. Everyone whispered behind our backs. I started running as an escape. I started eating less, but Caleb caught me in the act and started watching my every move. I started to do better in school just so I could be in my brother's classes and not alone. Before, I was welcomed by every person in my school. Then, I was that girl. Or the girl that lost her two best friends and brother all in one day. I don't like pity, so before you even apologize, don't. Just don't. Don't pity me. I don't want any sorries. This year, when I started at my old school for the first week, I was excluded from everything. The teachers sent me to the counselor every day, so they wouldn't have to hear the whispers. My parents finally stopped their grieving and moved us here. They pretty much left us for about two and a half years. Yes, they were physically there, but Caleb and I were ignored for basically the whole time. We had to get jobs to pay for everything. Caleb more so than I. He said that I had to keep pursuing my passion of soccer. I dropped out sophomore year because that was our thing. Not mine and Caleb's, but me and Piper were both on the girls' team while Wyatt and Noah were on the guys' team. My dad couldn't even look at me. My mom fortunately snapped out of her 'trance' faster than my dad did. She got him out of it too. But I don't know if that was a good thing since he still blames me for the death of his youngest child. He no longer considered me his daughter. I was just the poor girl that my mother was too kind to let live in the streets. He's starting to be convinced that it wasn't my fault by my mother, but in a way, it really is. If I never dated Mason, my brother and two best friends would still be here. My father wouldn't think I'm the spawn of Satan. My family dinners wouldn't be silent. They would be filled with the laughter of me and my siblings added with the quiet chuckles of our parents at our stupid remarks. And my two best friends would be together. They both confided in my that they both liked maybe even loved each other just a couple months before. I know that they were meant for each other, and now they are dead because of me." I break down into quiet sobs that I have worked on controlling for so long, but now they can't be held back any longer. Tobias just holds me, running his hands over my hair, smoothing it over, and holding onto me tight.

"But, at the same time, I wouldn't be here with you," he whispers in my ear. I look up to his eyes slowly. "We wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be holding each other right now. And I wouldn't be able to love you Beatrice Eliza Prior. I wouldn't know you, so I couldn't love you. But, because of all that, we can be right here, right now. Fear doesn't shut you down. Nope, not at all. It does just the opposite. It lights you up and it sets fire to your soul. To my soul. I would be dead if it wasn't for you, Tris." I am silent for a few seconds and before I can process it, my lips are moving towards his and they stay there until I can't breathe. I pull back for air and mutter quiet "I love you"'s to him, placing kisses all over his face until I grow tired and lean my head on his chest. His heartbeat puts me at ease and allows the nightmares that I get after I even think about Wyatt, Piper, or Noah to crumble away. I slowly fall asleep, my heart beating with his.

…

1839 words. Longest in a while. I wanted to give you a longer chapter after the last one. Hope you guys enjoy this. I almost cried while writing this.

-Tori

BTW – if you review, you get a shoutout! And my personal 'thank you'. That's always nice too. Haha. Nevermind.

Ily – Tori

:P