Disclaimer: Glee does not belong to me
Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
~Author Unknown
"So it's all set," Finn announced, waiting at the bottom of the slide while Kurt held Minnie Mouse and Ava's shoes nearby. "Mom and Burt are coming on Wednesday to stay with Ava and Vlad, and I'm free to get all the S-E-X I want in Barbados." He grinned like a fool at the prospect, completely missing Ava coming down, who slid right off the slide and onto the rubber mat at his feet.
Indignant, she picked herself up off the floor, one hand on her hip. "You didn't catch me, Daddy!"
"Sorry Ava-roo. Why don't you do it again? I'll catch you this time, I promise."
"Don't forget to watch, Uncle Kurt!" Ava called as she hurried off to climb through the tubes again.
"So if it's all set, then why am I here?" Kurt asked, his voice dripping with distaste as he took in the brightly colored surroundings of Chuck E. Cheese, one hand supporting the other while his fingers rested on his face. Everywhere he looked was an explosion of primary colors and plastic tubes for kids to climb in. A large ball pit was at the end of one group of tubes while a stage stood thankfully empty nearby. He'd almost had a heart attack when the stage was filled with Chuck E. Cheese and his friends dancing and singing…loudly. Ava had loved it, clapping and singing along, but it had been torturous for both him and Finn.
"Because this is a celebration. Minnie got her cast off and since Ava likes hanging out with you, she wanted to you be here for the celebration," Finn replied, his eyes tracking Ava's progress through the tubes. "Plus, I can't fit in the tubes. Ava gets stuck, you're going in."
"Excuse me? Those tubes reek of feet. If you think I'm going in there, you've got another think coming."
"I may also need you to watch Ava while Puck and I play Skee-ball. He thinks he can beat me, so I told him to meet us here."
Kurt smirked. "Puckerman is coming here? This should be interesting."
"Yup. He should be here any minute," Finn replied, his smirk matching Kurt's. He got into position, noticing that Ava was at the top of the slide, expertly catching her and scooping her up when she got to the bottom before he cuddled her close to his chest. "Ready for lunch, Ava?"
She nodded eagerly, holding her arms out to Kurt. "Did you see? Did you see how fast I came down the slide, Uncle Kurt?"
"I saw, Ava. You were like a race car, you were so fast," Kurt assured her, taking her from Finn and bringing her over to an empty booth, mercifully far away from the stage. He placed her in the booth, quickly slipping the cowboy boots he hated so much on her feet and handing her Minnie Mouse.
Finn quickly ordered the pizza and brought over the soda and juice, handing Ava her cup with the Chuck E. Cheese straw in it. He grinned when his cell phone started ringing, recognizing the special ring tone for Puck. "Hello?"
"These fucking people won't let me in because I don't have a kid. What the fuck is a Kid Check anyway?"
"Oh, hold on. I'll bring Ava over. Wait there." He hung up, laughing. "Come with Daddy, Ava. Norma needs to get a stamp like yours." Instructing Kurt to wait for the pizza, he grabbed Ava and made his way to the front.
"Bout time you got here. Hey, A."
"He's with us," Finn assured the employee. He held out Ava's hand, letting the employee scan it to see the invisible ink stamped there. The employee turned her attention to Puck, looking at him expectantly. Puck stared back, arching an eyebrow.
"Dude, hold your hand," Finn hissed, knowing that Puck thought that the employee was checking him out and wanting to avoid him saying anything that would get them kicked out.
"Why the fuck do I need a stamp? She's not my kid."
"You need a stamp, Norma," Ava instructed. "We have to match so nobody steals me."
"Yeah?" Puck asked, letting his hand get stamped while his other hand reached out to tickle Ava. "How about I steal you from Daddy right now?"
"No Norma! Don't tickle me!" she shrieked, squirming in her father's arms. "Don't tickle! Don't tickle!"
"You want a wiggly little girl, you can have her without stealing her," Finn announced, handing her over. Ava settled into Puck's arms, her hands guarding her belly while her eyes watched Puck's hand warily.
"You ready to lose?" he asked Finn, following him back into the main room. "Cause I…whoa. What is this crap?"
His reaction, mouth gaping open as his eyes darted around the room taking everything in, was exactly what Finn thought it would be. He really couldn't have timed Puck's arrival any better, since Chuck and all his animal friends were currently singing and jumping around on stage. Puck turned to look at Finn accusingly. "You said it was an arcade!"
"It is an arcade," he replied, making his way back to Kurt, who was currently sitting with his back to the singing animals. He'd plugged his iPod into his ears and his eyes were closed in deep concentration as he mouthed whatever was playing on his iPod. Puck followed behind holding Ava, who was once again clapping her hands and singing.
Their arrival at the table went unnoticed by Kurt, since he was clearly attempting to drown out the singing animals with a Barbra Streisand song on full volume. Only a smack on the head from Finn alerted him to their presence. "How dare you interrupt a performance of Barbra live at the Forum?"
Ava settled into the booth next to him, yanking an ear bud out of his ear. "Chuck E. Cheese is singing, Uncle Kurt!"
"I know. That's why I'm listening to Barbra." He placed the ear bud back in his ear, only to have it immediately yanked out of his ear again by Ava.
"Chuck E. Cheese is better," Ava said, firmly convinced of this. "Right Norma?"
"I think you should take Uncle Kurt's iPod away so he can really hear Chuck sing, A. It's not fair that we all get to hear the awesomeness of Chuck singing and Uncle Kurt doesn't," Puck replied innocently.
Ava seemed to agree with this, since she lunged for Kurt's iPod. Kurt was quicker, holding it out of her reach, before carefully placing it back in his messenger bag. "Hey, Ava? Why don't you bring Norma over to Chuck and introduce him? I'm sure he'd love to meet Chuck."
Fortunately for Puck, Finn returned with the pizza at that moment, distracting Ava from the idea of introducing him to Chuck and his friends, who'd finally stopped singing. Puck grabbed a slice, shoving into his mouth while Finn cut up a slice for Ava.
"Here you go, Avs." He handed the plate to Ava, quickly grabbing a slice for himself before Puck could eat them all.
"Yo, Huds, let's go. The sooner I kick your ass in Skee-ball, the quicker I can lea-" His words were cut off as his legs were suddenly under attack. He looked down, unsure of what had hit him, grinning when he realized what it was. "Hey! It's the Other Other Asian! S'up, Dave?"
He bent down to David's level, holding up his fist for David, who expertly fist bumped it as Mike came up behind him. Unlike Ava, David had inherited his father's height, although his facial features were a mix of both Mike and Tina, with Mike's genes taking a more dominant role. Like Ava, his eyes were exact replicas of his mother's. He smiled up at Puck and Ava, his baby fat creating a dimple in each cheek as he looked up at Puck.
"Hi David! Hi Uncle Mike!" Ava said cheerily. "We're having pizza. Minnie got her cast off. See?" She held up a castless Minnie, making her leg swing back and forth to show how well her leg had healed.
"Wow, her leg looks great, Ava," Mike commented, leaning over to tug Ava's ponytail.
"I took very good care of her," Ava announced proudly.
"Want some pizza, dude?" Finn asked, giving David a fist bump of his own. David nodded eagerly, climbing into the booth across from Kurt and Ava. "Watch them, Kurt. We're gonna play Skee-ball."
Kurt nodded as they walked away, busy cutting up a piece of pizza for David and listening to the two toddlers discuss Sesame Street.
"Let's hurry up and get this over with. The sooner I kick your ass, the sooner it'll be Wednesday," Finn announced, bending down to put some tokens in the Skee-ball machine, Puck and Mike doing the same on either side of them.
"Dude, that makes no sense. What's Wednesday?" Puck asked, concentrating on rolling the wooden balls down the ramp and aiming for the '100' slot.
"Wednesday's the day my unlimited sex weekend starts," Finn replied, focusing on his own rolling.
"Nice. What are you going to do with Berry when the broad comes over?" Puck questioned, still rolling the balls down the lane.
"Funny. You know I meant an unlimited sex weekend with Rachel."
"That sounds better than my weekend. Tina's mother and grandmother are visiting all weekend and staying with us, so I'm cut off," Mike added, sounding more than a little jealous.
"I can get it whenever I want," Puck replied smugly. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see one of Chuck E. Cheese's animal friends, the hound dog, standing nearby. He threw a ball slightly harder, hoping that stupid dog wasn't going to start singing.
"Yeah, enjoy that while it lasts." Mike threw his last ball turning to look at the other two, who were also throwing their last balls. "Once the baby comes, the sex drive goes."
"That's total bull. Having a kid in the apartment won't change anything. Q's a sex shark like me," Puck boasted. He frowned when he noticed that he'd lost to Finn, who wasn't bothering to hide his gloating. "These things must be rigged if you beat me."
"Or you could just suck," Finn offered helpfully.
"That would be you in bed, dude," Puck retorted. The hound dog had moved closer to him, which made his frown return. "Dude, I think that fucking dog is following me."
"Don't be stupid. He's supposed to be interacting with the kids, not you."
"I'm serious. That dog keeps getting closer."
"He's not following…Uh oh." Finn's words were cut off as he took in the sight of Kurt, a guilty looking toddler attached to each hand, coming their way. Even from a distance, the pissed off look on his face was unmistakable as was the large dark spot with splatterings of pizza sauce staining his groin.
"Finn. Mike." Kurt greeted each father in turn, a tight lipped expression on his face that only grew tighter once he saw Puck burst out laughing at his predicament.
"What's the matter, Hummel? Not potty trained yet?" Puck asked, between snorts of laughter.
"What the hell happened, Kurt?" Finn asked, not bothering to hide his amusement either.
"David did it," Ava said immediately.
"I did not! You did it!"
"Whoa, time out guys. What happened to Uncle Kurt that's made him speechless?" Finn asked, crouching down to their level. Not that he really needed to ask, since the evidence was still on Kurt's pants.
"David ruined Uncle Kurt's pants, Daddy!"
"I did not! You did!"
"You spilled the soda, David," Ava said accusingly, one hand still tucked securely in her uncle's while the other was placed on her hip, Minnie hanging limply from it.
"Well, you dropped the pizza, Ava," David shot back.
"You spilled-"
"Kurt, what happened?" Mike cut in, interrupting the toddler's squabbling.
"Chuck E. Cheese came over to our table and he knocked over Ava's juice. David tried to help clean it up, but he knocked over the pitcher of soda. Ava then tried to help, but she hit the pizza tray when she stood up. Do I need to explain anymore? No? Good. I am leaving now; do not contact me again today. Good-bye." He passed off each toddler to their respective match, turning and walking out with as much dignity as he could muster covered in soda and pizza.
"The sight of Hummel covered in food just made this trip to toddler hell worth it," Puck announced, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath from laughing so hard. "Plus, he scared off that stupid dog that I still think was stalking me."
Finn and Mike both started snickering at Kurt's abrupt exit as Puck bent down to the toddler's level, giving each of them a high five. "Awesome job, you two. Way to tag team Uncle Kurt."
"Dude! Don't congratulate them!" Finn hissed, exchanging a glance with Mike.
"Why not? It was fucking funny."
"You have a lot to learn about child raising, Puck," Mike replied, shaking his head.
"Please, I could run circles around you two when it comes to parenting," he retorted, standing back up. "Hey Avs, Dave, how about we hit the ball pit?"
Finn and Mike exchanged another glance, this one of triumph as he was pulled away by the two excited toddlers. Puck had no idea what he was in for.
"Sorry, Finn. I know the timing really sucks, Carole was really looking forward to taking Ava to school and helping out." Burt's apologetic voice came through the phone, causing Finn to switch into panic mode. "You know how she is. She kept insisting she was fine, but she couldn't even get out of bed this morning."
"No, it's fine. I'll find someone else to watch Ava. Mom needs to get better," Finn assured him, mentally running through who could possibly watch Ava at the same time. "Lemme call you back."
He hung up the phone, leaning back in his chair, deep in thought. Artie and Brittany had a newborn at home, so he could hardly ask them and Mike's mother was currently visiting them, so he was out too.
"Hey, do you have the notes from the last meeting for me to look at?"
Finn was pulled out of his thoughts by the sight of Quinn standing in his doorway, her hand on her protruding stomach. "Huh? Oh right, the notes."
Quinn sat down in the chair across from him as he started shuffling through the papers on his desk; honestly having no clue what he was looking for. "Problems?"
He glanced up, sighing. "I'm surprising Rachel with a weekend away, since she just finished her next book. My mom was supposed to watch Ava all weekend, but she's got the flu."
"Oh, Rachel finished? She didn't tell me!" Quinn exclaimed, honestly surprised. "I knew she was near the end of it, but I had no idea she was done."
"Yeah, she finished two days ago. I booked the trip last week as soon as she mentioned being practically done, but now that my mom is sick, I'll have to cancel it, I guess."
"Don't cancel it, Ava can stay with us!" Quinn announced, excited by the idea. "It'll be so perfect."
"Are you sure? You're like really pregnant," Finn said doubtfully. "And Puck's like a big kid himself. He got stuck in a tube at Chuck E. Cheese the other day when he was chasing David and Ava."
"What? What do you mean he got stuck in a tube?"
Finn grinned at the memory. "He was boasting about how easy it was to be a parent and he took the two of them over to the ball pit, not knowing that they normally refuse to get out of the ball pit and try to hide in the tubes to avoid leaving. He tried to follow them into the tube to grab them, but got stuck. Chuck E. Cheese himself tried to pull him out."
Quinn laughed in spite of the fact that her husband got bested by two toddlers. "He really got pulled out by a mouse?"
"Yup. After Chuck called all his friends over and they sang a song. You really think he's ready for a whole weekend of that?"
"Don't worry about him, I'll deal with him," Quinn said dismissively. "We need to practice anyway."
"I don't know. Ava's only ever stayed with her grandparents or Kurt."
"She loves coming over to spend time with Norma," Quinn pointed out, a smirk on her face at the nickname.
"That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to pick her up on Sunday to find out that she's got a Mohawk."
"I'll be there to supervise the two kids as they play," Quinn promised. "He'll have to learn how to reign in the cursing anyway, so this'll be excellent practice."
"Are you positive you want to do this?"
"Absolutely. When are you planning on leaving?"
"Well tonight if possible. I was planning on leaving soon to surprise Rachel. I secretly packed for her and me last night while she was at yoga, but if I leave now it'll give her time to repack."
Quinn glanced at her watch. "It's 9:30 now. What time are you dropping Ava off?"
"Our flight's at 4, so 1:00 ok?"
"Sounds perfect. Puck's home and I'm only working a half day today."
"I guess it's a plan then," Finn said reluctantly, knowing this news could potentially put a damper on the amount of sex he would be getting this weekend. Rachel's sex drive had been significantly increased lately for some reason, which was an awesome thing for him since she now wanted it all the time, something he planned to take advantage of in Barbados. The fact that Ava would be around Puck 24/7 could easily impact her sex drive, something he was keenly aware of.
"I'll go call him now. He's going to be so excited." Happily, she hurried out of the room as fast as her pregnant body would allow.
Finn leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. If only he could say the same about Rachel.
"Rachel? Where are you, baby?"
"I'm right here, what are you doing home?" she asked from the kitchen, her eyes slightly panicked at the sight of her husband home at 10:00 on a Wednesday. Her arms automatically found their way around Finn's torso as she scanned him for any signs of a problem. "Is there something wrong?"
"Nope." He leaned down to give her a quick kiss. "I just came home to find out what you were doing later."
She furrowed her brow in concentration. "Well Ava has ballet at four, but other than that, nothing. Why?"
"Where is she?"
"She fell asleep in the cab after we went shopping."
"Yeah? Did you get a new bathing suit or better yet, some lingerie?"
"We went food shopping, Finn." She eyed him suspiciously, immediately noticing that twinkle in his eye that meant he was plotting something. "What are you up to?"
Finn shook his head sadly. "That's too bad. Guess you'll just have to wear your old bathing suit and sleep naked in Barbados, which I'm all for, by the way."
"Finn! Are you serious?" Her eyes lit up with excitement. "When did you do this?"
"I booked it as soon as you said you were going to finish this week. Our flight leaves at 4:00 this afternoon."
Her face fell. "Baby, there's no way I can be ready to go today. What about Ava? I was waiting for her to wake so we can go get new pajamas for her. And I still have to pack. Oh, and I'm class helper this week and Violet has a-"
Finn cut her rambling off with a kiss. "All taken care of. Ava and Vlad are going to be staying with Quinn and Puck and they'll bring her to all her stuff and I already packed for you. And when she wakes, I'll take her shopping for pjs so you can repack what I packed for you, since I know you won't like it."
"Wait. You arranged for Ava to stay with Noah? She's never stayed there before for a reason. You know she's going to come back knowing how to give the finger. There must be someone else."
"It wasn't my first choice. My mom was supposed to be coming here, but she's got the flu. And don't worry; Quinn promised to watch Puck." Ignoring her rambling, he grabbed her by the waist and wrapped his arms around her, picking her up so that her feet were a foot or two off the floor while he began placing kisses and sucking on her neck. Refusing to cave, her arms stuck straight out at her sides while her legs remained hanging limply in the air, making her look like the letter T.
"He'll tell her all the times he caught us. It'll be our wedding all over again!" Rachel cried, panicked at the thought of Ava hearing that. "Maybe my dads can fly in from California. Or Mercedes could take her for the weekend. She's going to Vermont with Sam, but I'm sure there's room in the car."
"Baby, breathe." He placed a hot kiss on her neck, waiting until Rachel took a deep breath. "She'll be fine over at Puck's. Quinn will be there to referee any fights they have."
"He does have the mentality of a three year old." Her legs came to wrap around his waist and he knew she was weakening.
"Yup. He does. Besides, isn't the thought of Puck at dance enough to risk the possibility of Ava learning some new words?"
Rachel laughed as her arms snaked around his neck. "I almost wish we could videotape the weekend."
"Well…" Finn quirked an eyebrow suggestively.
"I meant Ava and Noah's weekend, Finnegan," Rachel replied, smacking him lightly on the chest.
He grabbed her hand, kissing the back of it. "Are we good then? Did I surprise you?"
Rachel kissed him, mumbling her answer against his lips. "I can't believe you planned this."
"Don't we always go somewhere when you finish a book? I just didn't let you pick the place this time." He looked down when he felt a tugging on his leg, to see Ava, one hand tugging on his pants while the other rubbed her eyes. "There's my Ava-roo!"
He let Rachel slide down his body before he leaned down, easily picking up his daughter and giving her a kiss. "Guess what, Avs?"
"What?"
"How would you like to have a sleepover with Norma and Aunt Quinn?"
"With you?"
"Daddy and I are going away, so you get to stay with Norma and Quinn, just like when you stayed with Uncle Kurt or Grandma!" Rachel explained careful to keep a happy tone to her voice. "Won't that be fun?"
"You're going away?" Ava's voice wavered and she buried her face in Finn's chest.
"Only for the weekend," Finn hastened to add, exchanging a worried look with Rachel who he could tell was mentally kicking herself for her choice of words. "We'll be back before you know it."
"No."
"Think of how much fun you'll have with Norma. You can watch Max and Ruby and have lots of tea parties with Mrs. Ponypants. Vlad's going to be there too!"
"No." Ava's voice was now teary as she clung to Finn's neck. "No, Daddy. Don't go."
"Ava, if you don't go over to Norma's, he's going to be so sad. He'll probably cry since he's not a big boy like you're my big girl," Finn commented casually, hoping Rachel caught on to what he was trying to do.
Ava picked her head up to stare at Finn, interested although her voice was still watery. "Norma cries?"
"All the time. He'll be crying if you don't come over and play. He really wanted to go to dance class with you, you know."
"Really?"
Rachel nodded solemnly. "Not only that, but he was hoping you'd bring over his favorite hat for dress-up, so he could show Aunt Quinn."
Ava seemed convinced by this, since she began squirming in Finn's arms to be put down and ran off in the direction of her bedroom once her feet hit the ground.
"What do you think did it? The idea of Puck crying or wanting her to bring that hat over?" Finn asked, slipping his arms back around Rachel.
"I don't know, but nice touch about the dance classes. He's going to go crazy there," Rachel replied, pulling his face down to hers for a quick kiss. "Come on."
Curious to see what Ava was doing, Rachel pulled Finn down the hallway to her bedroom, pausing in the doorway to take in the scene in front of them before they burst out laughing.
Ava had pulled out her Rapunzel suitcase out of her closet and had it open on the floor. Rather than fill it with clothes, she'd filled it with her tea set, plastic food, Sergeant VonFuzzyBear and Boots the Monkey. Rachel and Finn watched as she rummaged through her dress up trunk, trying to find Mrs. Ponypants' feathery hat. Triumphantly, she pulled the hat out of the trunk, jamming it on top of the Sergeant and Boots while simultaneously trying to zip up the suitcase.
"What are you doing, baby girl?" Finn asked, trying to suppress his laughter at the sight in front of him. Ava had given up on zipping the suitcase, resulting in Boots' leg and a bunch of feathers sticking out of the suitcase.
"I'm ready to go to Norma's," Ava announced, trying to pull the suitcase towards the door. "I don't want him to cry anymore."
"That's very nice of you, but we have to pack some clothes too. Daddy's going to take you to get some special pajamas just for Norma's," Rachel explained, bending down to Ava's level.
"Ready to go, little dudette?" Finn asked, holding out his hand to Ava. "Let's let Mommy pack your stuff while we go find some pjs that'll make Norma wish he had pjs that cool."
Ava nodded, grabbing Minnie off the floor before slipping her hand into her father's. Finn smiled down at her before leaning over to give Rachel a kiss goodbye. "We're going now, so you can pack in peace. Just try not to remove too much of what I packed."
Rachel quirked an eyebrow. "Let me guess. You only packed lingerie in my suitcase?"
"You got it," he said saucily as he picked Ava up.
"What's laun-jerry?" Ava asked her father, trying to pronounce lingerie.
"Uh…" Finn stared at Rachel, unsure of how to answer.
"It's super special pajamas that only mommies can wear," Rachel said firmly.
"Yeah, sorry, Avs. No lingerie for you, ever," Finn added, trying to distract her by tickling her stomach. It worked, since Ava squealed and immediately covered her stomach. "Let's go get you pjs and then pick up your luggage to bring to Norma's."
"She needs underwear too, Finn. So do you, for that matter," Rachel commented as she followed them into the hallway and helped Ava put on her coat.
"Not this weekend, I don't." He winked at her over his shoulder as he opened the door and allowed himself to be led out by Ava.
"Come on, Daddy!" Expertly, she pressed the button for the elevator, doing a little dance as she waited.
"What are you doing, A?"
"The Hampster Dance," Ava announced, immediately launching into a recount of a dance video game she'd played at her friend Violet's house the other day.
Inspiration struck Finn just as the elevator doors opened. "You know Ava, that sounds like something Norma would love. How about we make another stop and pick up that game for you?"
Ava beamed, thrilled at the idea of dancing with Norma. Beside her, Finn beamed also, wishing more than ever that he could video tape Ava's weekend. If Puck thought parenting was so easy, he wanted to see what he thought after doing the Monkey Dance a million times.
Forget the video camera, he'd pay to see that.
"S'up?" Puck opened the door to find Finn, with Ava wrapped around his leg, standing outside his door. A small pile of luggage sat next them, while Finn had a bright pink bag slung over his shoulder, along with a black bag and Ava had an exact replica of Backpack from Dora the Explorer on her back. "What's with all the luggage? Berry being a pain in the ass again and kick you out?"
"You didn't talk to Quinn did you?"
"She called before, but I didn't get to call her back." He looked down at Ava, who was staring up at him from her position as Finn's third leg, Minnie Mouse hanging from her hand. He stepped aside to let them in, watching with amusement as Finn walked woodenly in, encumbered by Ava but managing to roll a bright pink suitcase decorated with all the Disney Princesses on it behind him. "Hey, A."
Ava didn't answer, clinging tighter to her father's leg. Finn glanced down and sighed. "Can you get the stuff in the hall? She won't get off my leg."
"What's her problem?" Puck asked as he grabbed the suitcases outside the door.
"Nothing. She's just clingy today." He placed the bags on his shoulder onto the floor.
Puck eyed the black one suspiciously, noticing how it was moving. "Is that what I think it is? Did you bring the Rat here?"
"Yup. You really should have called Quinn back."
"Why?"
"Remember how I said that I'm surprising Rachel with a weekend in Barbados since she just finished her latest manuscript? Ava was going to stay with my parents, but my mom just got the flu. Rachel's parents are in California visiting her uncle and Kurt's on a buyer's trip for Bergdorf's."
"So?"
"So Quinn said Ava and Vlad could stay here for the weekend."
"No shit? A, you're finally gonna hang with some cool people while Mommy and Daddy play hide the salami," Puck announced, looking down at Ava, who refused to relinquish her hold on Finn. "We can chill all weekend. I'll introduce you to some good shows, not that rabbit crap you've been watching."
"Try not to curse in front of her." Finn placed a large calendar on the counter pointing to it. "Are you ready to hear about her schedule?"
"What is she, thirty? What three-year-old has a schedule? Don't they just play?"
"Nope. Here's her schedule. Tomorrow she has pre-school from 9-11:30 and it's Rachel's turn to be class helper, so you'll have to take her place. The letter of the week is F and she needs to bring in something that starts with the letter F, so she's got her frying pan. Her teacher's name is Ms. Fiona and Ava will show you where the classroom is. Ok so far?"
Satisfied when Puck nodded, he again pointed to the calendar he'd propped up against the cabinet. "As you can see, she has ballet today at 4 and then tap tomorrow at 3:30. Don't let her wear her tap shoes until she gets there. She'll try and wear them, but don't let her or you'll go insane. She wears the black leotard and pink tights for tap, but the pink leotard with the pink tutu and tights for ballet. Oh, and her hair needs to be pulled back for class, so you might want to have Quinn take care of that. All the stuff she needs for dance is in the Angelina Ballerina bag." He pointed to a bright pink bag with a picture of a dancing mouse on it. "Now Saturday mornings she has swim lessons at 9:30 and-"
"Whoa, wait a minute. Letter of the week? Tutus? Are you insane? Is there a word of the week? Because I can think of a word that starts with F," Puck stated, his head swimming with tutus and dancing mice. He glanced down at Ava, who was still firmly attached to her father's leg, her head resting against his knee
"Would you shut up and listen?" Finn snapped. "This is important. Now like I was saying, Saturday mornings she has swim lessons at 9:30 and you need to be in the pool with her, got that?"
"Yeah, real hard." He rolled his eyes for effect.
"Mike or Tina will be there as well, so it won't be that bad. Saturday afternoon is Violet's birthday party at Jumpin' Jack's. Ava needs to be there at one o'clock. Her present is in her suitcase and the invitation is in there as well."
"Jumpin' Jack's? That's all Q," Puck announced, holding up his hands. "I'll do the swimming lessons. I'll teach you how to do an awesome cannonball, A."
"Don't do that at the pool, you'll get us kicked out and Rachel will be pissed," Finn warned. "Besides, I already taught her that this summer at my parent's."
"Yeah, but you suck at it. I'll show her how to get everyone around her wet."
"Whatever. Just try not to get us banned from anywhere, and don't curse while you're the class helper tomorrow. I've got all the numbers you'll need here." He held a paper up against the fridge, grabbing a magnet to hold it in place. "Rachel has listed the numbers for Ava's doctor and backup doctor, Vlad's vet, the cell number of my parents, her parents, the uncle they're staying with, Kurt, Blaine and the police, as well as the poison hotline and the phone number of the hotel we're staying at. Oh, and both Ava's and Vlad's allergies are listed."
"She goes to bed at eight?" Puck asked peering at the page. "Really A? That's when all the good TV starts."
"Eight o'clock," Finn said firmly. "She picked out all her favorite books to bring for you to read at bedtime, but she only gets one a night, no matter what she says. As for Vlad, he eats once in the morning and once in the evening and he'll need to go out as soon as he gets up and then definitely before he goes to bed. He normally sleeps on the bed with me and Rachel, so he'll probably want to sleep with you and Quinn."
"These two have more directions than a NFL playbook has plays. Anything else?"
"Rachel packed her Dora plate and utensils, along with a few sippy cups, plus some snacks and her cereal in that duffel bag there, along with Vlad's dog food and biscuits. In the bag next to it are her tub toys, shampoo, her princess toilet seat and stepping stool, plus her favorite Dora blanket."
"What about the kitchen sink? What bag is that in?"
"Funny, Puckerman. Her toys are in that bag, and Rachel is bringing over the rest. She should be here any minute. But other than that, I think that's about it. It's all here on the paper."
"You leaving your leg here, too?" Puck asked, looking down at Ava again, who'd still refused to let go of Finn's leg.
"She's been like this ever since she found out we were L-E-A-V-I-N-G," Finn replied, sighing as he reached down to detach Ava, who only clung harder to his leg. "She was ok when we were shopping before, but once we got home and picked up her stuff to bring over, she became super clingy."
"A, why you being like this? You know how awesome it is here, let go of Daddy's leg and I'll show you some cool stuff," Puck promised, bending down to Ava's level. Ava simply gripped Finn's leg harder, her head still leaning against his knee.
"Knock, knock," Rachel called as she pushed Ava's Cozy Coupe car into the apartment, loaded down with more bags plus her massive purse. The doorman followed behind, carrying Ava's Minnie chair. "Hello, Noah."
"Hey Berry." He eyed Rachel critically. "You stuffing your rack? It looks bigger."
"Noah!"
"Dude! Stop checking her out!"
"What? Either she's had a boob job or she's stuffing cause she never fills out a shirt like that. So which is it, Berry?"
Rachel ignored him, turning to her daughter. "I brought your tea set and all your dress up clothes, Ava, as well as all of Vlad's toys."
"Good. That rat better not steal my stuff. That goes for you too, A."
"I can assure you that neither my daughter nor my dog has any interest in your dolls."
"For the last time, they're action figures. And they were collectable. They're worthless now since the Rat chewed off Mario's head," Puck snapped, still upset at the injustice done to his Mario collection. Over by the door, Raoul was now bringing in Ava's shopping cart and her play barbeque.
"He feels very bad about that, I'm sure. Now, I know Finn gave you the Ava cliffnotes on that paper, but everything you need to know is in this pink binder." She fished a pink binder out of her bag, liberally decorated with princess stickers and "Ava" spelled out in fancy curlicue stickers in the middle and held it up. "I've organized everything Ava for you, breaking it down by section. So if you have questions about her dance studio and what to wear when, it's listed under Activities, but Violet's birthday party will be under Special Occasions and that's where you'll find the waiver for the party. Don't forget to bring it or Ava can't go in the bouncy room. Got it?"
Puck nodded, watching as Rachel pulled a white binder out of the same bag. Like Ava's binder, this one was decorated with stickers, although the stickers on this binder were dogs and bones while the masculine looking block letters in the middle spelled out "Vlad."
"Here's Vladimir's information. Again, I've split it into sections, so any questions about his sleeping habits, favorite toys, bathroom schedule or his eating habits can be found in here. You'll also find a key list of command words in Appendix E."
"Are they moving in? How long are you going to be gone for? A year?" Puck asked, watching as Raoul walked out the door only to come back in with Vlad's castle in one hand and Ava's car seat in the other.
Puck's words seemed to trigger something in Ava, because her face crumpled and the tears started falling as she gripped Finn's leg. "No, Daddy! Don't go!"
Finn sighed again. "You had to say that, Puck?"
"No Daddy! No!" Ava wailed as Finn pried her off his leg and picked her up. "You can play hide the salami with Mommy here!"
Rachel glared at Puck, whose shaking shoulders betrayed the fact that he was laughing as he hid behind Ava's calendar. "Noah! She's been here for ten minutes and she's already using your phrases?"
"I didn't say it to her!"
"It doesn't matter, Noah. She-"
"Rachel. Focus," Finn snapped, comforting a still wailing Ava against his chest. "Shh, Ava. No more crying. I thought you were going to be my big girl, remember?"
"Daddy, don't go!"
Rachel immediately forgot about admonishing Puck as she turned her attention to her daughter. "Ava, look at Mommy."
"No." Ava clung to Finn harder, her face buried in his neck as she cried. Rachel exchanged a helpless look with Finn, unsure of what to do.
"Let me talk to her. You two stay here." Holding a still crying Ava close to his chest, he walked into the guest room where he assumed Ava would be sleeping.
"Shh, Ava, why are you crying?"
"I want to go home!" she wailed, ever the drama queen.
"But what about Vlad? He's going to be here all alone then. He'll be so lonely here without you, but he will get to do all the fun stuff with Norma, so maybe he'll be ok."
Ava picked her head up, sniffling. "What fun stuff?"
"Well, he'll get to play that awesome dancing game with Norma and Norma loves to watch princess movies, so they'll probably do that too. I bet they'll even make cookies."
"Really?" Ava had recently discovered the joys of licking the bowl during baking, much to Finn's chagrin since that had always been his job pre-Ava.
"Actually, it'll probably be good if you're not there, since Vlad won't have to share the bowl and spatula with you," Finn mused aloud, playing on Ava's interest. "But if you really want to go home and miss all the fun, then you can go home."
"Norma's going to make cookies?"
"Norma loves to make cookies. He even likes to wear an apron, just like you do," Finn assured her, trying not to grin at the thought. "He probably wears Aunt Quinn's pretty flowered one."
"Really?" Ava asked, knowing exactly which apron he meant, since she'd admired it before.
"I think he was just getting ready to make cookies, so Vlad arrived just in time."
"I want to make cookies," Ava announced.
"Then you've got to stay here. You can't use the stove, remember?" Finn pointed out, relieved that his plan was working.
Ava processed all this new information carefully before making her decision. "Ok, I'll stay. Vlad will be sad without me and Norma will cry."
Finn cuddled his daughter close to his chest. "There's my big girl. Let's go tell Mommy and Norma the good news."
He carried her back into the kitchen where Rachel and Puck were currently arguing over the Book of Ava.
"I don't understand what's so hard to comprehend, Noah. Things like using the shopping cart seat cover if you go food shopping will be listed under Everyday Errands, but her favorite foods and foods she hates are listed under Preferences."
"Did you list at exactly what temperature she likes her bathwater?" Noah asked sarcastically.
"It should be warm, but not too hot, ideally between 96 and 101 degrees Fahrenheit," Rachel responded seriously. "Her bath routine is listed under Hygiene. I told you, any questions you have can be answered with this book."
"Really? Does it explain why you're such a pain in the ass? Because I've been wondering that for a while."
"Noah!"
Finn cleared his throat, attempting to stop the argument he could see coming. It worked, since both Rachel and Puck turned at the noise. Rachel immediately came over, pulling Ava out of Finn's arms.
"How are you feeling, baby?" she cooed, glancing at Finn, who nodded. "Are you going to stay?"
Ava nodded. "I don't want Norma to cry."
"What?"
"In that case, Mommy and Daddy are going to go. We'll be back after you go to sleep four times, right?" Rachel commented, hugging Ava to her. She gave Ava a big kiss. "I'm going to miss you so much!"
"Bye Mommy," Ava responded, wiggling to get out of her grasp. Now that she was ok with staying, she was more than anxious to get on with the fun stuff she'd been promised.
Rachel refused to let her down, passing her off to Finn, who held her up in the air. "I'm gonna miss you, Ava-roo! Have fun with Norma." He brought Ava to his chest, whispering in her ear. "Don't forget to play the dancing game and make cookies, baby girl."
Ava nodded seriously, giving her father an Eskimo kiss before he passed her off to Puck. Quickly, before Ava could change her mind, Finn ushered Rachel out of the apartment, but not before hearing Ava's next comment.
"I'm ready to make cookies, Norma."
Puck settled back into the couch, perfectly satisfied with his life at the moment. This whole babysitting thing was a breeze, other than the cookie thing. That had been torture. Ava had insisted that he wear Quinn's flowered apron, while she wore a little pink apron with Ava embroidered across the front and a matching chef's hat. Never having made cookies before, he'd been forced to call his mother for a recipe and had managed to get through using a creative string of expletives. Ava had expertly dumped everything in he'd measured, with the exception of the flour, which she'd dropped on the floor. He'd cleaned that up with another string of expletives while Ava dumped in new flour. Quinn had come home just as they were licking the spoons and spatulas. Her eyes had roamed over the disaster of a kitchen, noticing that both had flour and chocolate all over their faces.
"What's going on here, guys?" Quinn asked, noticing the egg dripping down the cabinets.
"We're making fucking cookies!" Ava announced excitedly.
That little slip aside, he was definitely making Ava cooler. He'd already gone over the elements of a fist bump with her, something he was surprised Finn hadn't taught her and she'd proved an excellent student in burping. He'd totally have her burping at least to the letter C by Sunday.
Yeah, he'd definitely earned this little respite.
Ava had been watching Quinn redo her make-up, fascinated, which left him free to watch some TV. He flipped through the channels, trying to decide if he wanted to watch SportsCenter or Sons of Anarchy.
He'd just settled on SportsCenter when the sound of feet pounding, combined with the sound of spinning wheels interrupted his TV time. Ava came driving into the living room, her feet working furiously to power the purple Cozy Coupe as Vlad sat next to her on the seat, along for the ride. He laughed at the sight of the two of them sitting side by side, both tiny enough to share the seat.
"Look, Norma!" Ava exclaimed, parking her Cozy Coupe next to the couch Puck was occupying and honking her horn to get his attention. She twisted slightly, pulling something out of the storage area behind her. Excitedly she held up a DVD through the car window. "Look what I got!"
"Tangled? Who's in that?"
"Rapunzel!" Her voice held a 'duh' quality as she pointed to the princess on the cover.
"Oh, the chick with the hair? I remember her."
"You know her?" Ava asked, impressed.
"She's a hot chick, of course I know her. Remember how I told you I dated Cinderella before Aunt Quinn?"
Ava nodded happily, bouncing up and down on her seat.
"Well I dated Rapunzel, too. We hung out all the time."
"Rapunzel can't leave her tower," Ava commented suspiciously, leaning slightly out her car window.
"Tell me about it. I always had to go to her place. Got to be really annoying, it's part of the reason why I dumped her."
"Really?"
"Yeah, all she ever wanted to do was comb her hair and her mom was a real pain, so I finally canned her." He stared at her incredulous face, trying not to laugh. "I can't believe she made a movie, maybe I shouldn't have dumped her so quick."
"I want to watch Tangled Norma," Ava announced, holding out the DVD to him. "Mommy and Aunt Quinn took me to see it in the movies. They didn't tell me you know her."
"Yeah, well, Aunt Quinn gets very jealous of all my old girlfriends so she doesn't like to talk about it. Feel free to ask her. Tell you what. Why don't you drive into the kitchen and hit the drive-thru? Order some juice for you and a beer for me to go from Aunt Quinn and I'll put the movie on."
"I can't order beer, Norma!"
"Oh, right. You'll need ID. You got a driver's license? Fake ID?"
"No."
"Whoa, driving without a license. Make sure you don't get pulled over A, cause I'm not bailing your butt out of jail. Here, you can use mine as a fake ID." He fished his license out of his wallet, handing it through the car to her. "Show it to Aunt Quinn when you order the beer."
Ava nodded, backing her Cozy Coupe right into the recliner. Puck smirked as he watched her try to maneuver the car into the direction she wanted to go, finally managing to drive off. "I see you drive like your mother, too."
He could hear her honking her horn in the kitchen to get Quinn's attention, ordering the requested beverages as he popped the movie in. She drove back in a minute later, parking her Cozy Coupe next to where he was standing, hitting him in the legs as she parked. "I hit the drive-thru, Norma!"
"Awesome. Where's my beer?"
Ava backed her Cozy Coupe up and turned it slightly, allowing Puck to see the beer and sippy cup sitting in the cup holders behind her seat. Puck whistled as he plucked the beer out, placing it on top of the coffee table. "Damn. You've got more cup holders in your car than I do. Why don't you park your car over there and get on the couch?"
She'd just managed to park the Cozy Coupe where Puck suggested (only hitting the end table twice) when Quinn came in holding a bowl of popcorn and a large plastic frying pan, which she handed to Ava once she was settled on the couch with her juice.
"So what's with the frying pan?" Puck asked as he settled on the couch next to Ava, the plastic frying pan in her lap. Quinn was relaxing on the other couch, sharing it with Vlad.
"It's just like the one Rapunzel has," Ava explained happily, holding it up for inspection.
"It's nice. What's it for? Cooking?" Puck asked, not seeing what the big deal about it was or why Ava would want to bring it to pre-school.
"No."
"So what does she use it for then?"
"I can't tell you. Daddy says I'm not allowed to do it."
Puck waved a hand dismissively. "It's ok, Daddy's not here and you're supposed to listen to me, right? So I say you can do it."
"Ok." Ava stood up on the couch, bringing her arm back and whacking him in the face with the frying pan as hard as she could.
Puck reeled back, shocked at getting his clock cleaned by a three year old with a frying pan. Over on the other couch, Quinn was wiping her eyes, hysterically laughing. "Whoa! What the fuck was that for? I just asked what Rapunzel uses the frying pan for! You didn't have to hit me."
"That's what Rapunzel uses the frying pan for, Puck," Quinn gasped out between bursts of laughter as Ava sat back down next to Puck, sipping her juice. "It's for protection."
"Well she's clearly inherited Finn's strength. She keeps that frying pan and Finn won't have to worry about guys taking advantage of her," Puck commented, rubbing his face.
"Daddy's strong. He threw Uncle Kurt in the pool," Ava announced as she sat back down, expecting Puck to be wowed by that statement.
"Considering Uncle Kurt weighs about ninety pounds soaking wet, that's not saying much. I once lifted Daddy," Puck retorted.
"Really?" Ava stared, wide eyed.
"Yeah. See he'd been playing in the tub with his dinosaurs and he fell. Then he was showing Mommy his magic wand and he got hurt even more. I had to lift him out of the bathtub. That big butt of Daddy's is heavy."
Ava didn't answer, her eyes moving from Puck to the movie, which was just starting. Frying pan securely in her hand, she cuddled into him. He glanced down at her, smiling.
Yeah, a total breeze.
"Hold still, A!"
"It hurts!"
"Look, according to the fucking book, your hair has to be pulled back. Aunt Quinn is going to be back from her doctor's appointment any minute, so you need to be ready for ballet when she gets here. She'll kick my ass if you're not ready. You want her to do that?" He gathered her hair again, attempting to secure the elastic around it again. Between Ava squirming and him overstretching the elastic, he'd snapped four of them already.
"No."
"So hold still." He gritted his teeth, roughly gathering her hair into a ponytail. According to the book, it was supposed to be a bun, but screw that, he was having enough trouble with a simple ponytail. The fact that Ava wouldn't stop squirming wasn't helping either.
"There." Satisfied, he turned her around to look at his work. "Looks good to me."
"I want to see," Ava demanded, trying to climb off the bed.
Puck scooped her up, carrying her over to the mirror above the dresser. "What do you think? Looks awesome right?"
Ava examined her reflection critically. "I don't like it. Do it again."
"What? I'm not doing it again. It looks fine."
"It has bumps, Norma." She stared at him in the mirror, her arms crossed, looking every inch the prima ballerina in her pink leotard and tutu.
"So?"
"I don't like the bumps. Do it again."
"No way! It looks fine!"
"It. Has. Bumps." Ava, prepared to launch into full tantrum to get her way, tried to reach up to pull out the elastic only to be stopped by Puck. She stepped it up a bit, starting to cry. "No Norma! No bumps!"
"I'm not doing it again. It looks fine, so stop crying."
"It has bumps!" Ava wailed, her face scrunching up as she cried.
"Look, I-"
"What is going on here? Why isn't she ready?" Quinn demanded, taking in the scene from the doorway. "Why is her hair all bumpy?"
"I told you, Norma." Ava's tears immediately turned to a look of triumph at Quinn's words. Puck threw his hands up in the air as Quinn swiftly pulled out the elastic and made a perfect bumpless bun.
Quinn eyed her critically. "Ava, I think you put your leotard on backwards."
"Norma did it," Ava announced, more than ready to tell on him as revenge for the bumps.
"Why am I not surprised? Honestly, I'm surprised you can dress yourself," Quinn snapped, stripping Ava of her tutu and leotard and putting them on correctly.
"How was I supposed to know which side was the front?"
"Hmm, I don't know; common sense?" Quinn retorted, picking up the Angelina Ballerina bag as Ava put on her cowboy boots. "Ready, Ava? Oh, Puck, I have to meet a client at 5:30, so I'm going to drop Ava off here after ballet and then go."
He nodded, giving her a kiss goodbye. "Bye guys. Have fun at ballet."
"Come on!" Excited for ballet class, Ava dragged Quinn out the door.
Thank God Quinn was home to take her to dance. There wasn't enough money to pay him to go there. Cherishing his forty-five minutes of peace, he made a beeline for his X-box, hoping Artie was online.
Fuck this world of leotards, buns and cookie making. He needed to shoot something and fast.
"We're gonna do the monkey oh oh ah ah oh oh ah ah/Do the monkey oh oh ah ah oh oh ah ah/Monkey, Monkey oh oh ah ah oh oh ah ah/That's alright."
He was going to kill Finn.
He should have known that something was up when Ava said she wanted to play video games when she'd come home from ballet. He'd eagerly headed into the living room behind Ava, who'd announced that she'd brought a good game, expecting to play a kid version of COD or Halo. Instead, Ava had opened her Backpack backpack and pulled out a game and a pink Wii controller, proudly holding up a copy of Just Dance Kids.
"Whoa. What is that?" he asked, not bothering to hide his distaste at the game. "I thought you said you brought a good game."
"I played this at Violet's house, it's good," she replied happily. "Daddy bought it for me today." Expertly, she popped the disc out and ran over to the Wii console, taking out Puck's COD and putting her game in before she grabbed one of Puck's controllers off the table and handed it to him. "Here Norma. Let's dance!"
"Daddy bought it for you today?" he asked suspiciously as he synced up Ava's pink controller.
Ava nodded as she waited for the game to load. "Daddy said it was a big girl game. He said you'd like to play it."
"Daddy said that, huh? Did Daddy also tell you that he really really wants to play this game with you first?"
"He said you'd say that," Ava announced, navigating to the song she wanted. "But he said it was ok if you play it first because you might cry if you didn't get to play."
Crap.
"Come on, Norma! It's the Chicken Dance!" Happily, she started mimicking the chicken dancing on the screen, pausing when she saw that Puck wasn't dancing. She turned her eyes loose on him, causing him to sigh as he started doing the Chicken Dance.
As a result of him not being able to resist Ava's eyes, they'd done every horrible dance on there, dancing to such awesome songs as the ABC Song, The Wheels on the Bus, and The Monkey Dance…twice. He'd tried not dancing, but Ava simply reprimanded him and tried to move his legs with her hands. Mercifully, The Monkey Dance ended and he put down his controller, sick of swinging his arms like a monkey and roaring like a tiger.
"Enough of this crap, Avs. How about some Rock Band?"
Ava stared at him, one hand on her hip clutching her pink Wii controller. "No. I want to do The Monkey Dance again."
"Come on. We've already done every song twice," he whined as inspiration struck him. "Don't you want to be a big girl? Rock Band is for big girls, you know."
He could see Ava wavering as she considered this. "Really?"
"Totally. All the big girls I know play it. Even Daddy plays it, and he's a big girl, too," Puck couldn't resist adding, a smirk on his face.
"Daddy plays?"
"Not only does Daddy play, but I'll let you play the drums just like he does. Look." He pulled the drums out, making a big deal out of how each drum was color coded. He handed the drum sticks to Ava, letting her pound on them. "What do you think? You ready to play?"
"No. I want to do The Monkey Dance." She stepped away from the drums, ready to start dancing to The Wiggles again. "Put on The Monkey Dance, Norma."
"Wait, how about this Avs. Weren't you just admiring Aunt Quinn's make-up? If you play Rock Band, you can wear make-up. It's part of the game, you know."
Ava's face lit up at the word make-up. He so had her. "Really? I can wear make-up?"
"Totally. If we're gonna play classic rock, it's only appropriate. Come on." Eagerly, Ava ran into the bathroom ahead of him, lunging for Quinn's make-up bag. "Whoa, hold on Rugrat. We need to use the super special make-up for this."
He picked Ava up and placed her on the counter before reaching into the cabinet and pulling out the costume make-up he had left over from his Paul Stanley Halloween costume. Carefully, he started smearing white paint all over her face. "Since you're the drummer, you need to look like a cat, Avs."
"Am I going to look Lord Tubbington?" Ava asked excitedly.
"I hope not. That thing is evil," Puck replied, outlining a large area around each eye in black before filling it in, doing the same to her nose before drawing on her black whiskers. "Almost done. Just gotta add the white spot on your nose."
"How do I look?"
Puck studied her critically, trying to figure out what was missing. Inspired, he reached into Quinn's make-up bag, fishing out a tube of lipstick and painting Ava's little lips cherry red. He turned her around, letting her stand on the counter to see herself in the mirror, laughing when he saw how excited she got. "Now you look kickass A. Ready to play?"
"What about you? Don't you need make-up too?" Ava asked, turning her cat face to look at him.
"No, I don't need make-up. I always look kickass."
"But you can look like Vlad!" Ava insisted, unleashing her eyes on him. Even covered in KISS make-up, those eyes were pretty damn powerful and he felt himself wilting.
"Alright, but I'm not going to look like Vlad. The guitarist has a star on his face." Quickly, he covered his own face, letting Ava enthusiastically help him smear the white paint. "See it's all about the make-up. Aunt Quinn thinks KISS is stupid, but she just doesn't get how badass it is, right Avs?"
Nodding, she watched in approval as he outlined a star around his right eye, reaching for the black tube in his hand when he started filling it in. "I can do it. I'm a good colorer," she announced proudly.
"Fine, but let me do near the eye, ok? And try to stay in the lines."
Whoa. Wrong thing to say, because even in her KISS make-up, there was no mistaking the pissed off look on her face. If she'd been a real cat, her back would have been raised at his comment.
"I'm a good colorer," she repeated stubbornly as she began coloring his face. He watched in the mirror, his hand constantly coming up to guide hers each time she went out of the lines. He took over, quickly filling in the area near his eye. Ava handed him the lipstick, watching as he ran the tube over his lips.
"How do I look?" he asked, puckering up his lips.
"Beautiful, Norma," Ava replied, giggling as he picked her up and carried her back into the living room. He popped in the game before he settled her in front of the drums on his lap, placing the drumsticks in her hand and turning on the game to lead her through a few practice songs.
"You know what? I think we should show Daddy how much better you are at the drums than him," Puck announced, moving her off his lap as he stood up and pulled out his cell phone. He waited until the next song began and Ava had started playing, attempting to match the colors on the screen to the corresponding drum as best she could before he started filming. He turned the camera towards the TV, letting Finn see the screen. "Hey Hudson. One afternoon with me and she's already more rock n roll. Check it out." He swung the camera around to face Ava, whose cat face was scrunched in concentration as she drummed. "Say hi to Daddy, Avs!"
Ava beamed at the phone. "Hi Daddy! I'm a kickass cat!"
Laughing, he sent the video off to Finn, fully expecting the phone to ring any second.
He wasn't disappointed. He'd just picked up his the guitar when his cell phone started vibrating at the same time the house phone started ringing. He grabbed the cell phone, opening the text message that had just come through.
Dude, that's fucking awesome but don't pick up your house phone. Rachel's pissed.
Ignoring Finn's warning, he picked up the house phone. "S'up Berry?"
"Don't you s'up Berry me! Did I or did I not just hear my three year old daughter use the expression kickass?"
"Oh, I don't know. Let me ask her." Smirking at the screeching coming through the phone, he cupped his hand over the receiver. "Yo A, did you just say kickass?"
He waited until Ava nodded, before turning his attention back to Rachel. "She says she did."
"She's been with you for a few hours and you've already corrupted her! And why does she look like a member of an 80's hair band?" Rachel screeched. He held the phone away from his ear, trying to avoid going deaf.
"First of all, she's not corrupted. She's just more rock n roll. Second of all, we're playing Rock Band. She's a member of KISS, not a hair band," Puck explained, enjoying Rachel's misery more than he should. "Ask Finn, he'll tell you."
"It's true babe. She's Peter Criss, the drummer."
He smirked as he heard Finn's voice in the background confirming his statement. "Put Hudson on."
"Noah, that game is much too old for her. She can't play that," Rachel demanded.
"Fuck she can't. She's doing better than Finn."
"What? That's bullshit!"
He laughed as Finn's voice came through the phone. "It's true, Finn. Maybe you should try the make-up next time."
Ava stopped drumming at the mention of Finn's name. She climbed out from behind the drums, making her way into Puck's lap. "Is that Daddy? I want to talk to Daddy."
She lunged for the phone, causing Puck to duck out of the way. "Hold on Finn. There's a kickass cat who wants to talk to you." He handed the phone to Ava, who held it up to her ear excitedly, waiting for Finn to talk. Puck nudged her in the side. "You gotta say hello first, A."
"Hi, Daddy!"
"Hey, baby girl! Are you having fun with Norma?" Ava was holding the phone in such a way that Puck could easily hear Finn's voice coming through the phone.
"We're playing Rock Band," she announced impressively. "It's only for big girls, like you."
Puck held back a laugh at her words, anticipating what was coming next.
"But I'm not a girl, Avs."
"Norma says you are."
"Don't listen to Norma. I'm a boy."
"But you said I had to listen to Norma and be a good girl while you were gone," Ava pointed out. Puck didn't bother hiding his laughter as he heard Finn sigh.
"How about this? Don't listen to Norma when he tells you I'm a girl, ok? I'm a boy, Mommy can tell you."
"How does Mommy know?" Ava asked, making Puck laugh harder while Finn sputtered, trying to dig himself out of the hole he found himself in.
"So, uh, how was dance? Did you show Norma where to sit?"
"Norma gave me a fake ID!" Ava announced excitedly, completely distracted from her previous line of questioning. "I hit the drive-thru for beer!"
"Like I'd expect any less of Noah." Rachel's annoyed voice came floating through the phone, clearly listening to the conversation. She must have wrestled the phone from Finn, because her voice came in much clearer with her next statement. "Ava, Mommy has to go, but listen to me. Do not say the word kickass again, ok?"
"Ok."
"Love you, baby."
"Bye, Mommy."
"Avs, put Norma on the phone again," Finn replied. "I'll talk to you tomorrow ok? Love you, Ava-roo."
"Bye Daddy!" Ava chirped, handing the phone back to Norma as she climbed off his lap. The sound of the front door opening and closing was heard, sending Ava and Vlad off to see who it was.
"Seriously, what are you trying to do to me?" Finn hissed once Puck got back on the phone.
"Where are you? You can't be in Barbados yet." He shifted the phone to his other ear, half listening to Ava telling Quinn what they were doing. "Where's Berry? I don't hear her bitching."
"We're in San Juan having dinner during our layover. She's in the bathroom all pissed off, so thank you for that."
"Hey, I did you a favor. Angry sex is fucking awesome," Puck defended. "You want me to rile her up even more?"
"Please tell me my daughter's not sitting right there."
"Q just came home so she's following her around, telling her what we've been doing. Why didn't you tell me she came with that dumb game?"
"And that would be fun for me how? Since my three year old's vocabulary now includes the word kickass, consider us even."
"We're not even. Don't think I don't know that you sent her over here with that horrible video game on purpose. I had to do the fucking Monkey Dance twice so I plan on Berry Blocking you every chance I get."
"Too late, dude." He could practically hear the smirk coming through the phone. "Rachel forgot something at home, which worked well for me."
"Just for that, Ava will be learning a new hand gesture."
"What? Puck don't-"
"Oops gotta go. Bye."
Ignoring the phone which had started ringing again, he headed off to the kitchen, where his kickass cat had traded in her drums for her apron as she helped with dinner.
"Yo A. When Daddy comes home, I want you do to this."
A/N: This is only part ONE of THREE...it was all supposed to be one chapter, but the ideas kept coming.
Happy Thanksgiving!