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Please Turn Around

Christian...

Two Weeks After Ana Left Me.

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As I shift to stretch out my back in the cold empty bed, the empty bottle of scotch laying beside me, that I've obliviously consumed through out the night, rolls off the side and hits the wooden floor with loud crash. As the intrusive, grating sound ricochets through my pounding head, I groan, burying my head deep into my pillow.

A few minutes later I try and sit up but dizziness from lack of sleep, food and apparently far to much alcohol, sends me back horizontal onto the mattress. I lay still with my eyes tightly closed focusing on trying to stop my head from spinning, but most importantly, I'm trying to keep my thoughts at bay, but it's no use, memories of the past few days invade my cloudy mind, and the daily torment begins.

I try to fight the ever present feeling of loneliness that's ripping me apart and in an effort for distraction I roll off the bed and virtually crawl into the shower. As the hot water blasts down onto my throbbing head it clears slightly and everything once again comes flooding back.

The past two days have been hell, once again we have spent all our time chasing ghosts and false leads, but taking extra time and care to investigate Ray Steele a lot more throughly, we've looked further into his army career and it has given us a few new directions to look in, but up to now, we still have nothing.

I have heard nothing from Ray since he was here, not that I'm surprised, but his contact numbers have now all been disconnected and he has also quickly and discretely vacated his address, so there is no trace of him either now. He has vanished just like his daughter.

I've totally fucked up everything and lost any chance I ever had of finding Ana now that I've signed those god damn papers, like a fool I've agreed to divorce my wife. The last thing I ever wanted to do. How could I have been so blind, so stupid and so easy manipulated.

Over the past two days, while enduring disappointment after disappointment, I have just been automatically going through the motions. I seem to have given up hope of ever finding my wife and son, without actually admitting it to myself, and I don't know how to deal with the over whelming feeling of loss that I'm barely keeping at bay. I take the easy way out and hide pathetically because truthfully, I don't know what else to do.

Atomically I step out the shower and blindly dry and dress myself in sweats and a T shirt, one that Ana used to like to sleep in. Not that it helps ease me in anyway now, her soothing scent that aided my sleep and kept me calm has well left the fibers of the fabric. So with nothing to bask in during the night, I've not been able to sleep much, and there is only so long that I can sit at my piano before my back protests, hence why I find the need to pass out.

The past two days have changed everything, Ray has been behind all of this and obviously has better resources and contacts than I do, who would've thought he could be so resourceful, but when your daughter is at stake I supposed you will do anything for them, and believe me, I have tried for Teddy's sake, but to no avail. The better man won.

As I leave the bedroom and head for the kitchen, Gail stops what she's doing and quickly hightails it out of the room as I make my entrance. With a wave of disappointment I sigh heavily, knowing that I've even lost her.

Since Ray's visit, Gail has been constantly avoiding me, she is abrupt and angry with me when I do manage to attract her attention, and her patience and compassion for me has certainly wained, she's angry and frustrated and as much as I hate it, I can't blame her. Taylor has obviously filled her in on everything now, Jess, the boat, Escala and obviously the signing of the dreaded divorce papers, so I have lost my only alli.

She's realized by now, that Ana and Teddy will most likely not be coming back home any time soon. She misses them, just like I do, her motherly instincts for them both have left her hurt and yearning for their presence. Just like me. So I have no one to help ease me now, I receive no welcoming comfort from her, not that I ever deserved it. I'm just festering, lost in my own despair, and I only have myself to blame.

The emptiness I've felt over the past few weeks is deeper now, almost bone deep, especially after Ray's interaction. It's been soul destroying to live with the stupid decisions I've made over the past few months and the result of my final meeting with him. It's eating me up inside knowing that I played right into Ray's hands and that I've granted my wife a divorce.

I can't fight it, she doesn't want me to, she would hate me if I did, but I can't ever imagine not seeing her beautiful face again, and I don't even contemplate my life without seeing Teddy's, but I know Ray will make sure that doesn't happen. As a father himself, he wouldn't, he couldn't be so heartless as to keep him from me permanently, so even though he has severed all contact, for now, I have to cling to the promise that he will be in touch at some point in regard to my son, if nothing else.

I miss my son. I miss his sweet little face that lights up when I walk into the room. His chattering of baby babble that I only half understood. How he took great delight in bashing my piano's key's with this podge little hands. How he battled when we put him to bed. But most of all, I miss the hugs that his tiny little arms put so much unconditional love into. I miss...

I try not to think about it, it destroys me when I do, but I miss my wife with every breath that I take. I miss everything about her, all the little things that made her who she was are what I miss daily. How she greeted me every morning with wide blue eyes and a smile that warmed my heart. Her chatter over breakfast and attention to myself and Teddy. How she would bid me farewell with a kiss that I had to fight every morning not to give into. But most off all, I miss just spending time with her, curled up on the couch, reading, watching DVDs or just lost in simple chatter. All the mundane things that I never realized made up a life seem so far away now, and it hurts, so, so much.

As the pain from what I've lost consumes me, I gasp out a painful, silent sob as my chest tightens. I close my eyes and try to just focus on breathing. I lean against the counter with my head bowed and suddenly swirling. Taking deep gulps of air I keep my eyes tightly closed until I'm safe there's no danger of me throwing up.

Feeling the nausea subside, I slowly step over to the fridge and open the door, the sight and thought of food sends my stomach somersaulting instantly, and even though food is the best thing for me right now, I just can't face it and quickly close the door.

As I turn back to the empty kitchen I foresee my empty day and I realize that I have nothing to gain from today. I have one ultimate goal to reach, one mission in life and I'm failing on an hourly basis, no matter how much money or people I commit to it I can't get anywhere. I don't want to deal with more rejection and lost time with the two people I love more than my life, not today, not again, so I succumb to the easy way of forgetting, gratefully. Quickly and purposefully grabbing another bottle of scotch and a glass, I eagerly head out of the kitchen.

Stepping into my office, I see once again that the damage I inflicted to the room after Ray's visit has been rectified. I walk over to my desk sit in my chair and crack the seal on the bottle.

A few glasses of scotch later and the pain has numbed a little, it's almost bearable. The agony is nicely foggy and clouded, hidden behind the false sense of calm brought on by the alcohol. I sigh gratefully as the pain is quenched, for now.

I follow my normal routine and sit back in my chair, starring constantly at the picture's of my family on the opposite wall. I realize painfully the longer I stare at them, that on some level, I'm starting to forget them. I can't hear their voices in the rooms anymore, I can't smell them on their bed linen, the house is void of there casually tossed around things. I can't feel them.

I can feel and taste them in my memories clearly enough, but their presence here, within these walls, is fading. In my dreams, or rather nightmares, their presence is over whelming and despite the pain they invoke in me, because I can't sleep a wink without seeing Ana's face, I'm eternally grateful for them.

In the cold light of day though, just drifting and rambling around this big empty house on my own, their absence is felt more deeply and it's soul destroying, to know their slipping away from me.

I need more fuel for my fading imagination and quickly recall the last time I spent some quality time with them both. I pull open my desk draw and rummage through the untidy contents until I find what I need. I pull out the digital camera and load the photos instantly on to my computer and what I see makes me smile for the first time in weeks.

The sight of Ana and Teddy playing in the meadow as I sneak up on them candidly taking photos, is torture. As my tears fall unhindered, I quickly start to print off my favorites shots of the beautiful pair and lay them out on my desk. Basking in the laid out scene of perfect time with my wife and son in our meadow, I reminisce.

After staring with unfocused eyes for what feels like an age, I realize sheepishly that I've finished the contents of the bottle of scotch. Shame fills me quickly but causes me to chuckle, as I realize it's not even midday.

Fuck... my life sucks.

Anger curses thought me for feeling so weak and pathetic, I curse myself for causing and allowing all of this to happen in the first place, and before I can control myself, my desk is once again over turned with a loud roar of frustration.

At the sight of the scattered pictures of my loved ones on the floor, I feel instant regret and quickly run round my desk and fall to my knees quickly picking up all the prints and gathering them close to my chest. I right the desk back onto it's feet and lay them down almost protectively. I slowly start to gather all of my things on the floor from my desk and toss the contents carelessly back into the rightful draws.

As I gather the last few small items of office supplies and sheets of paper, I notice a small business card and as I pick it up the breath leaves me quickly. I fall back on to my butt on the floor and the emotions this one bit of cardboard brings to me in it's self is an instant relief.

Looking at the small card in my hand, my mind swirls and I can feel the alcohol taking full advantage of my weak mental state, the physical effects are also taking hold of my fatigued and underfed body.

I feel my eyes start to blare and the darkness creeping in but before I welcome the alcohol inducted oblivion completely I pull my phone out of my sweat's pocket and quickly send off a desperate text to the number on the card.

As my phone leaves my hand and falls to the floor I close my eyes and follow close behind, welcoming the darkness of the alcohol stupor to gladly forget and escape from this living night mare that I have to endure. I want to swim in my dreams, even if it is, just for a short time.

I don't know how much time passes before I feel a prodding to my side and Taylor's voice is intruding my head announcing a guest, but by his tone and abruptness, the person he has shown in isn't welcome.

I roll onto my side and shift on to my knees, my head throbs and my stomach churns at the action. Shifting backwards to use the wall as support, I lean back and try to concentrate on fighting the effects of the booze. My head is pounding and I feel like death, but Taylor's loud steps and angry mutterings as he leaves the room draws my attention and my eyes reluctantly open. As he leaves the room I can't help but gasp at the person he passes in the doorway.

As I lock on to the vision by the door my heart restarts and pounds. There she is, clad in dark jeans a simple white T shirt, wearing no make up and her hair in a high pony tail, and she has never looked more beautiful... If this is a dream, please, please, please never wake me up.

"Ana" I breath, ease washing over me at the mirage infront of me and just being able to say that one word.

"No Christian... It's me, Jess" she whispers, I hear the sympathy in her voice at the sight of me and my head falls onto my hands. After a minute or two I sneak a glance to make sure I'm not dreaming and the pity I see in her eyes causes my heart to break. "I got your text message, I..."

"Don't speak... And ruin it" I mumble selfishly, just staring at the perfect untainted face of my wife.

I hear Jess sigh softly "Christian, what happened?" she asks as her eyes take me in, "Why are you in such a mess?" Jess asks me, her sad blue eyes burning into mine as she walks slowly over to me.

I know what I look like, I know what she see's, gone is the sharp businessman always pristine that she has only ever seen, I'm now sitting on the floor in sweats, thinner, haggard looking, and I can't remember the last time I shaved.

I see her pity in her sad blue eyes and hate myself for wishing it was truly Ana looking at me like that, but I know in my heart that my wife's eyes would be cold if she could see me like this. She hates me, doesn't want me, would probably enjoy my torment, I know her father certainly does. I never knew I could feel so sorry for myself, but hey the scotch helps.

"She left me" is all I whisper, it's enough.

"Why?" Jess breathes, stepping closer but keeping a few feet between us.

"Ana saw us on the boat, she knows about our time spent at Escala, she thinks..."

Jess gasps, and I stop, my face falling into my palms and resting on my knees, there's no need to say anymore, she knows what Ana must have thought and how, as a woman, she would react. I just wish I would have realized, or even considered it.

"Oh no Christian, what did she say? Where is she? Will it help if I talk to her and try to explain everything to her" Jess gushes urgently, her voice full of compassion.

"I wish you could" I mumble, my head still resting in my palms. "She's been gone for over two weeks now, I've heard nothing from her and have tried everything I can think of to find her and Teddy" the pain I feel is clear in my uttered words and Jess is instantly sympathetic.

"Oh Christian, she left with Teddy too, I'm so sorry" she says with a break to her voice.

"Two weeks of nothing, not a single sighting of them, I can't find them anywhere, I have no chance of ever getting them back now" I mutter, "She hates me and never wants to see me again, I wrote to her and she never replied, I begged her to come home... And she never replied" my words are pained and rushed, the alcohol in my system isn't helping me keep my emotions under control and I feel the frustrated and painful tears start to burn in my eyes.

"No, don't say that, she will come h..."

"She won't Jess" I snap cutting her off, "Her father was here, I stupidly signed divorce papers thinking it was the only chance to get her back, but..." my voice starts to sound slurred, my alcohol fueled confession slowly trails off as Jess finally reaches me. She quickly falls to her knees beside me and her hand touches my bowed head softly and I can't help it or control it as my head rolls quickly into her touch.

"Oh Christian, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault, I wanted to go sailing that day, I ... What can I do to help you?" Jess asks in a soft voice her fingers still softly running through my hair.

I don't think, I just react and as I lurch myself forward and wrap my arms around her I bury my head against her, her arms wrap around me gently. It feels so comforting, the heat from another person. I never realized how much I needed physical contact until it was taken away, just the feel of some one holding you can be so soothing. Who knew? I just wish it really was my wife's arms I was safely wrapped up in.

"Let me help you Christian" Jess coos softly. "What can I do? Have you eaten?" she asks softly.

I close my eyes and revel in her concern and feel of being in her embrace, she is far from the perfect shape and feel of my wife, but she's warm, safe, and most importantly, here, and it's most certainly better than nothing.

"Stay, please stay" I beg desperate to my wife's perfect clone as I pull her closer to me, "Please, stay with me" I mumble into her belly.

"Oh Christian, I can't" she says softly, almost regretfully as she rubs my head and the familiar touch is so calming. I feel my heavy tears dampening her T shirt but she doesn't seem to mind and just holds me closer.

"Can we pretend?" I ask, my voice low and mumbled.

"Oh Christian" she utters, sadness clear to hear.

"Start scene, start scene" I find myself repeating over and over, my drunken begging is shameful but so desperately needed.

I need something, anything. I know this is what caused my marriage to fall apart in the first place but now, it might just help to keep me strong enough to battle to save it. It's so confusing and disarming but I just know I need her, selfishly, stupidly and drunkenly it makes perfect sense in my muddled head and seems to ease my empty, hardening heart.

"Christian, I can't... I was leaving Seattle today, your text came just as I was about to set off, I came here just to tell you that I can't see you again, I'm moving away, my car is all packed and ready to go, I..."

"Leaving...Why are you leaving?" I ask anxiously, leaning back and looking up at her. Why does everyone I need leave me? I need Ana's presence here no matter how bogus, Jess can't leave too.

"I'm pregnant Christian" Jess mumbles, "I'm leaving to go and stay with my sister for awhile, I have an appointment with a clinic in..."

"Are you ill?" I ask with a frown. I heard her talking but the words don't appear to have registered, I just know that I want and need her here.

"Please let me hire you, just pretend to be Ana, I don't want to be alone anymore... You're better than nothing" I basically sob, clinging to her tightly.

"Thanks" she mumbles, but I don't feel any remorse. I'm to desperate for that.

Jess shifts herself and pulls away from me to look at me more clearly. As my tired and bloodshot eyes open and lock with hers, I see the resistance on her face and the begging continues.

"Please Jess, I will pay you, give you anything you want" I offer, as she shakes her head slowly, regretfully. Her hand moves and brushes my cheek, her thumb rubbing away a heavy tear.

"Christian, I can't... I'm pregnant" she whispers holding my eye, shame, hurt and resentment evident in her tone.

"I need Ana her with me" I mumble stubbornly.

"No Christian, I have to go" Jess mutters adamantly.

"Stay" I simply plead.

"I can't be here" Jess states with a shake of her head.

"Please, Jess" I whisper.

"I know how much you love Ana, Christian, but my being here won't bring her back, or help you, if your wife believes that we've been having an affair this will only reinforce her belief that you cheated on her, I can't.."

"I've lost her anyway Jess, I have nothing now, no hope of ever finding her, her father has made sure of that" my tears fall at the truth I've spoken and I never realized I was so weak and selfish. I need Ana in anyway, shape or form. I will take her presence in this house, in my life, any way I can get it.

"I know you think that all hope is lost right now, but things will work out" Jess sooths, in an attempt to appease me.

"No, they won't and I can't stand my life without her Jess" I confess.

"I can't live here with you... It's just too much right now" Jess is torn and frustrated and sticking to her guns, but selfishly I can't let her slip away. Can't let Ana slip away, not again.

"Please" I sob, leaning forward and once again bringing my body back into her warm embrace, "I will give you your lead part with all the perks you want, just stay... I need Ana"

"But Christian... What about the baby" Jess asks and her word confuse me. I pull away and look into her sad teary eyes.

"Baby?" I mutter, my face showing my confusion.

"I'm pregnant Christian, that's why I'm leaving" Jess whispers.

"I want Teddy" I state simply, pulling her to me. "I need all the parts of my life back, you can give me my child, I want my son back"

"Christi..."

"Please stay, I'll give you anything" I repeat hopefully.

"No Christian, it has all been arranged, I'm not keeping... I'm going to my sisters for a termination, I can't keep the baby, that lousy director would..."

"Please don't go, stay here, give me back my son" my tears fall at the thought of everything coming back to me.

"I don't want a child Christian" Jess whispers.

"I do" I state determinedly, as I suddenly sit up and take her hands in mine, ignoring the light headedness, I beg, "Please Jess, I'm offering you your hearts desire, your lead part, your starring role... Be Ana and I can give you anything, just give me my family back"

"You want me to stay here, with you... And have the baby" she asks looking totally dumbfounded, I nod as her eyes lower and her tears fall on to our joined hands. "Christian, I don't think this... I can't..."

"Please Jess, I need my family back, live here with me, you will have your own car, your own room, can do your own thing, just be here, I need to feel Ana's presence, there will be no relationship if that's what you're worried about, I just need your company" all my blatant shame has turned to desperation, nothing matters now. I can't thinking straight but my body and heart are eased by the illusion before me once again and no matter how wrong this is, I will not be alone.

"You want me to be here under 24/7 pretense, but also with my own room and space"

"Yes, anything you want, just move in here and go about your business, I will sort out security and there will be some paperwork to sort but I won't ask anything of you except your company, I will provide you with everything you need, the best possible care for the baby, the best chance of a career, just stay and give me my life back, please Jess"

As Jess thinks over my offer I watch her face closely, I see the doubt and the fear but also her compassion and sympathy. I know what I have suggested is crazy and probably gonna make things ten thousand times worse, but I need something and this is it. It's all that is accessible right now and I'm desperate.

As I stare at her with anxious eyes, I try to read her face for her final answer but all I see is worry. "You really want to take responsibility for this baby?" she asks quietly.

"Yes, I do" I reply instantly.

After a few more minutes of silence Jess nods subtly, "Ok then" Jess slowly whispers, and I feel relief at the thought of her presence in the house.

"Thank you, Ana" I gush gratefully, eased and a little euphoric. Jess sighs as I stand and pull her to her feet.

"Come on, I'll show you to your room and get Taylor to bring in your things" I utter eagerly as I wobble slightly still holding her arms. As I stand up right I notice Jess wrinkle her nose at the smell of alcohol that I'm no doubt breathing all over her.

Ignoring her quiet demeanor I take her hand in mine and pull her along to the far side of the house to install her in the guest suit.

As I trudge down the halls determinedly, I know I will have to face this tomorrow. I know that if I was sober this would never be happening, it would never even be a consideration, but for now with the alcohol rushing through my system and a false sense of calm, it seems like the perfect and easiest solution to ease my constant suffering, and at this point I will take anything.

.

As I head back downstairs to the kitchen after settling Jess into her room, I hear a commotion. I head quickly into the kitchen and I'm surprised to see and hear Gail and Taylor arguing.

"You brought her cases in, you..." Gail screams at Taylor, as he just shrugs and rubs the back of his head.

"What's going on?" I ask looking between the pair.

They both turn to face me and Taylor's face is cold and angry, he's looking at me like I'm something he's stepped in, Gail is also fuming.

"You both said this was all a misunderstanding" Gail shouts, looking between Jason and myself. I nod eagerly hoping to convince. She looks up at me with confusion in her angry eyes. Fuck, how do I get her to understand that nothing happened but that I need Jess here, anything is better than nothing, surly she can see that.

"It was, it is, but..." I begin to explain.

"Then why is she here now? Why has Jason just brought her god damn cases into this house? Is she moving in here?" Gail asks angrily, her voice laced with disgust.

"Yes, she is, but..."

"If she's moving in here... Then I can't stay here" Gail states, as she pulls off her apron and tosses it onto the the kitchen counter. She turns to me and has a look in her eyes that I have never seen before. "I love, loved this family Mr Grey, I was so happy to see you finally happy, but I'm disgusted with you for the things you've done to your wife" she spits at me, and her calling me by my full name breaks my heart more than her true deserving words, I've been Christian for so long.

"I quit" she snipes and turns sharply on her heel. I stare after her stunned and silent, because what can I say. As she reaches the door she pauses and looks over her shoulder, "Jason you coming" she asks, her voice now at a normal level.

"Baby, lets just think this through" Jason says to her softly.

"I will not stay here, not while that woman is under this roof" she declares, and Taylor just looks from her to me.

"Jason, explain to Gail how this was all a mistake, how this... I need you both to stay here, please don't go" I beg Taylor.

"Will she be living here?" Gail asks again, her voice still even.

"Yes, but... Please Gail let me explain" I reply hoping for her understanding.

"No, I can't stay here and condone this, I can't be a part of this" she swears and I know I've lost her. No matter how I twist this whole fucked up scenario, it will never ease her, she loves Ana to much for that.

"Of course Gail, I understand, Taylor?" I question and he just looks undecided.

Suddenly I see Jess out the corner of my eye, she's no doubt been brought downstairs by the raised voices. As all eyes turn to her I notice her face turns pale and she suddenly clamps her hand over her mouth and rushes over to the sink. Her body starts to heave, no doubt morning sickness, which as I know from Ana, is not necessarily during the am hours. I hear Gail gasp and as I turn to look at her, her face is distraught.

"She's pregnant, She..." she whispers her eyes wide and sickened, I nod my head slowly as she holds my eye. I see the fire begin to rage within her, I notice her fists clench and before she can curse me or claw my eyes out I interrupt her.

"Gail, please try and understand, I... Yes, Jess is pregnant but it's not what you think, the baby isn't mine, but I need this right now, I need her here, I..."

"Jason, get me out of here" Gail breathes, looking directly at Taylor, his eyes soften as his eyes meet hers but his hard expression soon return when he looks at me.

"Jason, you can't leave" I utter desperately.

"Sorry sir, I chose to follow my wife" he takes her hand and they slip from the room, no doubt to gather their things and desert me too.

"Gail please, let me explain, Taylor, you can't go, I need you here" I shout desperately after them, but there is no response from either of them. As their determined steps are heard echoing across the hall floor the front door soon closes behind them and I realize sadly that I have now lost every trace of my old life, and I've never felt so alone.

"I've lost everyone" I mutter.

"Christian, I think I should go, this doesn't seem like a..." Jess mutters, coming to stand beside me.

"Don't leave Jess, you're all I have now" I whisper, and catch her small nod out the corner of my eye.

I turn to look at her and even though I see the real woman that she is, the mirage that I so desperately need to cling to is too over powering to ignore or turn away. Her hand slowly reaches out to touch me and as I read the compassion in her eyes I step away and turn my back on her.

I don't want her pity or her comfort, I don't want to see it on Ana's face. I need her presence to fill a void, that's all. The alcohol still in my system is starting to wain and clear my head and I don't need that right now.

"Christian" Jess utters.

"Just go to your room Jess, I will talk to you later" I mutter as I head back to my office, but not before grabbing a bottle of the escape juice.

'

A/N Thank you for reading. I will post again soon.