And I say who
And they say "who dat"
And I say who dat who say "who dat" when I say dat?
Who dat?

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Five, Part Two: Stalk-Fu
By Kaori

She knelt before the shrine, miko's prayer staff in hand and incense swirling in the air; both items stolen from the temple three blocks away (securing her eternal damnation but she doesn't care about that). She hadn't gotten up as early this morning, seeing as it was her day off, but even if she were dying she would never miss an opportunity to pray to her Sasuke-kun before heading out to prey on him. Speaking of which, she had better hurry.

Sakura, still in her pyjamas, crept onto the fire escape and made her way to the next apartment. The window was locked but that is no obstacle to a ninja. Taking the glass cutter out of her hair, she quickly cut a hand-sized hole in the pane, carefully removed the cut-out section, and deftly opened the window.

"Oh be still my beating heart!" she whispered. Sasuke was still in bed. Carefully, she slipped herself next to him and slowly positioned herself so that she was partially lying on his chest. "May this moment never end…"

She wasn't sure when she had fallen asleep but she was awakened when the object of her obsession cried out. The next thing she knew she was falling to her death. Unnervingly unperturbed by the situation, Sakura formed a set of handsigns and…

"Dead Totoro no Jutsu! (1)" Instantly a dead Totoro appeared beneath her, effectively breaking her fall and saving her from certain death. With her life no longer in peril, Sakura straightened her hair and went back inside to console her love. After all, he must be stricken with grief after realizing that he had accidentally threw her out of his window.

The thought processes of the delusional mind are frightening indeed...

So distracted was she by her own delusions that she almost missed Sasuke walking right by her in what looked to her like a state of distress. Breaking out of her fantasies, she followed him...at a distance of exactly ten feet so as not to startle him. After all, he must still be mourning her death. She'd have to approach him carefully so that she doesn't frighten him into a psychotic episode.

She caught up with her "boyfriend" right after he made his declaration to the heavens that he was not going to lose to Itachi and just in time to get caught in the rain with him. "This is just too perfect!" she squealed in a whisper. Pretending to have just arrived, she ran up to him. "Sasuke! What a coincidence!"

"Sakura?" blinked Sasuke as he turned around, much too late to avoid being grabbed by his over-amorous co-worker. "Awwwkggggrrrlllbbblll..." He fell limp in her arms; an overcharged tazer will do that to a person. "Oh no! Sasuke-kun has fainted from shock!" (Well...she's not lying...) "I shall have to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" (I'm pretty sure that's not the correct treatment for someone who was just electrocuted...) "You shut up!" (Holy shit she can hear me!) "Sasuke-kun...your lips are mine!"

"HELL TO THE NO!" a new voice yelled. With timing that can only be attributed to happy coincidence or plot contrivance, Yamanaka Ino came up to save the day. "If anybody's going to take Sasuke's first kiss it's going to be me!" Or not... "Get away from him!" And she shoved Sakura out of the way.

Of course, Sakura was not about to be denied and kicked Ino in the back. Soon they were fighting and yelling; scratching at each other's faces, pulling hair, screaming obscenities, and tearing clothing. During the melee Sasuke, miraculously recovering from electrocution, made himself scarce; crawling away from the scene on his hands and knees until he was a significant distance away.

Neither girl would notice that he was gone until they themselves recovered from double knock-out several hours later.

Next time, it's Kakashi's turn. What does he do on his days off? Well, wait a bit and we'll see.

1) Google 101 Things to Do with a Dead Totoro. It should be the first link that pops up.