Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio

Gibbs: Feast your eyes, Captain. All of them, faithful hands before the mast, every man worth his salt. (Jack sees Marty.) And crazy to boot!

Will: So this is your able-bodied crew?

Jack: You, sailor!

Gibbs: Cotton, sir.

Jack: Mr. Cotton, do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? Mr. Cotton! Answer, man!

Gibbs: He's a mime, sir.

Jack: He is? Wow, tough break.

Gibbs: He's trained the three parrots to talk for him. No one's yet figured how.

Jack: Mr. Cotton's…parrots. Same question.

Bobby: Is he calling us parrots? I think he's calling us parrots, Pesto.

Pesto: Yeah, he's calling us parrots, all right!

Squit: But we're not parrots. We're pigeons. We're Goodfeathers.

Pesto: We know that, Squit. Shut up! (turns to Jack, flies to his face, threateningly) You think I'm a parrot, bub?!

Jack: I'm just going with what everyone's telling me.

Pesto: Look, I wouldn't have signed up for this movie if I had known we were supposed to be parrots! Do you know whose fault that is, Yakko?

Will: Harry Shearer?

Jack: I know, I know, I'm sorry, Pesto. Just go along with the part, and you'll be fine.

Pesto: Fine?! I'm being called a parrot! How is that fine?! Huh?! You tell me!

Bobby: Yeah, we're being dehumanized over here!

Jack: You're already dehumanized! You're pigeons!

Pesto: No. You didn't just say that! You did not just say that!

Bobby: He did just say that.

Pesto: Get him! (Bobby and Pesto dive into Jack's face, beating him up; he rolls along the floor wildly, trying to get them off; Will and Gibbs pretend to not be involved, whistling to themselves)

Squit: Come on guys! Parrots are pretty, right? Parrots are popular! Why don't we just take it as a compliment?

Pesto (leaving Jack, flying back over to Squit): What did you just say?!

Squit: I just said go along with it. If parrots are popular, then that means if you're playing a parrot, then you're popular, too, right?

Pesto: You want to run that by me again? (Bobby flies back to join Pesto and Squit on Cotton) What do you mean by that, huh?!

Squit: You're popular! That's all I'm saying, Pesto!

Pesto:Oh, not only am I parrot, but now I'm popular, too, eh?! So now I'm some kind of political activist who wants to help out laborers and farmers?!

Squit: No, that's a Populist! I said you're popular! You're well-loved, people like you!

Pesto: That's it! (Pesto beats up Squit, while Bobby, off to the side, laughs to himself)

Jack: Um…guys…you never answered my question….

Pesto (still in midst of fight): Screw the question!

(Will, Jack, and Gibbs exchange surprised glances.)

Jack (to Will): Satisfied?

Will: Well, you've proved that they're mad.

Anamaria: And what's the benefit for us?

Jack (comes over to her voice, takes off sailors hat, revealing a woman): Anamaria. (she whacks him with her green purse, hard) OW-W-W-W!

Will: I suppose you didn't deserve that one either.

Jack: No, I deserved that one.

Anamaria: You stole my boat!

Jack: Actually (she whacks him again) borrowed. Borrowed without permission. But with every intention of bringing it back to you.

Anamaria: But you didn't!

Jack: You'll get another one.

Anamaria (hands Jack a stick of dynamite): Yeah, I better. (Dynamite explodes in Jack's face; Anamaria laughs)

Will: A better one.

Jack (wiping ash from explosion off): Yeah…a better one!

Will (points to Interceptor): That one!

Jack: What one? (sees Interceptor) That one?! (turns to Anamaria) Aye, that one. What say you?

Anamaria: Don't mess with me again. You won't like it. (Crew gives collective "Aye!")

Squit: Anchors aweigh!

Bobby: What? (to Pesto) What's he sayin'?

Squit: I'm just reciting what's in the script, fellas.

Pesto: I'll give you a script to recite! (beats Squit up again) Huh?! How you like that?! Recite that, why don't you?!

Gibbs (to Jack): No, no, no, no, no, it's frightful bad luck to bring a woman aboard, sir.

Jack: It'd be far worse without her.

(a storm is upon them at sea) Will: How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn't work?!

Gibbs: Aye, the compass doesn't point north, but we're not trying to find north, are we? (to Jack) We should drop canvas, sir.

Jack: She can hold a bit longer.

Gibbs: What's in your head that's put you in such as fine mood, Captain?

Jack: We're catching up, and I just finally remembered where I put that gum I was chewing in the third grade!

Gibbs: Where'd you put it?

Jack: Ms. Flamiel's coffee!