Chapter 13:
When she arrived back from spending the evening with her parents she wasn't surprised that Killian had already gone to bed. She was learning already that while he could be a night owl if he wished he also loved to go to bed early. She couldn't fault him though because as his responsibilities would be increasing his days would be starting earlier. That was how she happened to find herself alone with her husband for the first time as they settled into their seats on the plane to Barcelona. With a staff bustling around constantly they had seen each other but there had been no private time to talk.
Despite their closeness on the night of the ball Emma was anxious, her foot bouncing up and down while she twisted a napkin in her hands to distract her from the awkwardness of not knowing where they stood. It had been a few kisses and little bit of cuddling on the couch, not a one night stand. How was she this keyed up? She knew the answer before the thought fully formed. She knew that she wanted to get closer and she didn't know that after spending some time and thinking about it that he wanted the same thing.
"Emma…"
"Yeah."
The word escaped her lips before she could stop it and she was mildly embarrassed by how eager she sounded.
"Everything alright?"
"All good."
He didn't look like he believed her, which didn't exactly surprise her because he somehow could read her better than almost anyone she'd ever met. Even her parents couldn't read her as well as he could. She was beginning to feel it was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it was nice to have someone who knew her that well. On the other hand, she was used to hiding behind her walls and it was slightly uncomfortable that someone could get beyond them so easily.
"Emma, open book remember?"
Damn his ability to see through her so clearly.
"I'm just nervous is all. Meeting the prime minister is daunting."
He knew that wasn't the whole of the issue, but he could get to whatever else was bothering her later. Her concern about meeting the heads of states had been one that had been weighing on her ever since his mother first told them that she had arranged the meeting.
"As I said the other night it's really more of an introductory meeting. There's most likely going to be no political discussion at all."
"But what of when there is? Eventually I'll have to know that information and be able to discuss it. Besides I have nothing in common with these people."
His eyebrow shot up and his lip settled into a smirk, mirth dancing in his eyes.
"Those people huh?"
Laughter broke free from her lips at his expression, temporarily putting a stop to the doubts she felt at her ability to rub elbows with some of the most influential people in the world.
"You know what I mean. I'm the daughter of a vet and a teacher. I'll never be ashamed of that but what do I have in common with foreign dignitaries and heads of state?"
"You've found things in common with me."
"You're different."
"How so? Foreign dignitaries are real people. They may seem like they have it all together, it's what our people require of us, but at the end of the day they're real people with read problems."
"If you prick them they bleed and all that huh? I get that but what about the rest of it? I don't know anything about couture clothes and luxury resorts."
"Emma, love, I don't mean to anger you but you sound a bit like a snob."
She was surprised by his statement but not really angry. More curious than anything else.
"If you talk to them about real things they will talk to you about real things. Pets, siblings, what have you. They're people, just like you. Don't elevate them. You are every bit as good as they are. Probably better than a good lot of them. You have just as much to offer as anyone else Emma and I hope someday you'll believe that."
Tears welled up in her eyes and she blinked, willing them away. She didn't want to cry in front of him. It was one thing to be angry but he had already seen too much of her emotion. As much as she'd enjoyed their recent closeness he had made no additional overtures and it wouldn't do any good to get closer.
Caught up in her emotions she didn't notice when he undid his seat belt, standing to move over to her seat. It wasn't until her hands were in his that she looked up at him.
"Why are you crying Emma?"
"I don't know."
"That's not true. Why won't you open up to me?"
"I am open."
She pulled her hands back, frustration overtaking her. Why was he pushing her? Wasn't it clear that she didn't want to open a vein now?
"Emma, you're not. You say that you want us to be close, and I believe you, but I just want you to let me in."
A tear slid down her cheek and he reached out, brushing it away tenderly with the pad of his finger.
"Emma, please."
It was the tone in his voice that caused her to look up and into his blue eyes. Strange how they were a different shade of blue now than they typically were. There was pain there now. Not the pain that she had seen before over the loss of his wife but a different pain. The pain of wanting to help but not being able to. She remembered that pain well from her time in the Peace Corp. No matter how much she did or wanted to do it never felt as though she was making a dent in all that needed to be done. Her relationship with Neal hadn't helped, often making her feel that if she would focus more on what she was there to do instead of her relationship she would be able to accomplish so much more. This pain that she saw in Killian's eyes was due to not being able to help her. She was sure of it.
"I'm just not used to this Killian."
"Used to what?"
"Someone caring. I've never had it before. Not in a relationship."
That feeling he had during the conversation at the ball, after their first kiss, came back with a vengeance. She had said then that she had never been in a relationship with someone who was willing to tell her how he felt and now she was telling him that she wasn't used to someone caring. The feeling of wanting to know more about her history was overwhelming.
"How many relationships have you had?"
"Just the one. Not a lot of experience."
"I've just had the one past relationship as well. Looks like we're both getting a second shot at getting it right."
"You got it right the first time. I, on the other hand, bombed at every part of being in a relationship."
"I highly doubt that."
"Well if you were to talk to my ex he would be able to tell you. If you could find him, because I certainly couldn't."
"Emma, will you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"Tell me about your relationship. That is what we were talking about."
There was a teasing tone in his voice, trying to lighten the moon just a little, but he didn't want to change the topic. It was too important and he felt like it was going to be critical in moving forward with Emma. Whatever had gone on in her previous relationship was keeping her from letting him in, and he was surprised by just how much he wanted in.
"I don't know Killian."
"Just the basics. I don't need to know everything."
"It's just he was different from you. You're always so patient, even now when I would imagine if I were in your shoes I would be itching to know what was going on. You're letting me set the pace."
"Well, of course. What else would I do?"
"Well if you were my ex you would tell me that I'm making you feel insecure because I won't open up to you. If I didn't immediately back down it would then change to anger at me being so cold at which point you would tell me that if I couldn't be in an open, honest relationship you would just have to find someone else that would before leaving. That's how it usually went."
He was quiet for a moment, trying to determine what to say in response. Too much of a reaction would scare her but not enough would seem like he didn't care. If she was willing to open up to him he wanted to make sure that he expressed the right amount of care.
"So he wasn't the greatest guy?"
"Understatement of the century."
"Is there more?"
"What are you asking?"
"Did he ever hit you?"
"No, he wasn't abusive. Just a self-obsessed jerk."
He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that any man that would treat her the way that her ex had treated her or made her feel the way he had made her feel had abused her as surely as if he'd struck her repeatedly. Instead he stayed quiet, resolving to show her that not all relationships were like her relationship with her ex. Taking her hands back in one of his he lifted her chin so that she was looking him in the eye.
"Emma, you're amazing. If he didn't see that it was completely his loss. I can promise you this, just from the time that we've spent together. You were not to blame for that relationship ending."
"I was just never enough you know?"
"I know he made you feel that way but I promise you he was wrong."
If he thought about it he would stop himself, telling himself that it was the wrong time. So instead of thinking he acted, following his hearts lead, leaning forward and capturing her lips with his. It was a tender kiss and lasted just a moment. In reality she had just a moment to register that he was kissing her again before it was over.
"I was wondering how you felt about that."
"Kissing you? Emma, I promise you I'm quite fond of it."
He smiled, laughter dancing behind his eyes.
"I don't mean to say anything that will upset you, and I understand more now why you tend to lean towards the insecure side, but I do eagerly await the day when you trust my feelings for you."
"But that's just it. I don't know how you feel for me. We've shared a couple of kisses, and I think we can both agree that they're enjoyable, and we like each other. We've done this all backwards though and I find myself just as confused as a girl figuring out whether the guy likes her after the first date."
Taking their joined hand, he laced his fingers with her bringing the back of her hand to his lips. After moving back just slightly he smiled shyly, a smile that made Emma's heart skip a beat. He was normally so confident, frequently bordering on the cocky, but this looked so good on him.
"I like you Emma."
"I know you like me as a person. I'd say we're friends, which is a great basis for a relationship, but the rest is so confusing."
"We've already taken care of the confusing will they, won't they part Emma."
He lowered his voice whispering, "I don't know if you know this but we're married."
She giggled. There was no denying that that was the sound that escaped her lips. A rare sound, particularly in the past few years.
"Oh, that was you? Well I may have to rethink."
"Sorry lass. Binding contract. You understand."
"Well then. I guess I'll have to make do."
The tension from earlier had dissipated and she found herself enjoying the easy comradery between them for the rest of the long flight from Misthaven. Her questions hadn't really been answered, at least not with words, but his actions spoke much louder than his words ever could have anyways. Maybe he didn't love her. She could live with that because she didn't love him either. They cared for each other though and she could tell that it was on more than just a friendship level. Throughout the remainder of the flight he was attentive, his hand either holding hers or his arm thrown around the back of her seat. He didn't return to his own seat until the pilot came over the loud speaker saying to buckle up because they were landing. Conversation flowed easily although they stayed on light hearted topics and when they came to the door of the plane her heart soared as he took her hand in front of a large amount of press, once again lacing their fingers together.
There were flowers on her bedside table. A bouquet of beautiful white roses with babies breathe that took her own breath away. Moving to the window of her room she gazed out at Barcelona. It didn't escape her attention though that Killian had made sure her room looked out over the pool with adjoining hot tub. The country was so lush, so green and she was in love with it already. A knock on her door drew her out of her reverie.
"Come in."
Killian entered the room wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a black t-shirt. Despite the improvement in his disposition since their wedding he still never ventured far from the color.
"To what do I owe the honor?"
"I thought you might like to have breakfast with me before the prime minister and her husband get here."
She smiled, feeling butterflies in her stomach. Despite her relationship with Neal she had never really felt this way before. They had fallen into a relationship more because they were in a new place where they didn't know anyone besides each other than because they were drawn to each other. If they had stayed in Misthaven she wasn't sure that they would have dated, let alone gotten as serious as they had. Although how serious about her was he really when he had been cheating on her. She shook her head, forcing herself out of her walk down memory lane.
"Breakfast sounds nice. Let me freshen up a bit. How dressy do I need to be for the prime minister?"
"I'm wearing this. I'd say more than your yoga outfits, although that's a pity, but less than a ball gown. You'll look beautiful no matter what you wear though."
She felt her face heat up and by the delighted smile on his face she knew he must see the flush as well. How petty must he think shew as that she needed so much affirmation.
"Breakfast under the canopy by the pool lass?"
"Yeah, I'll be down in ten."
"Take as long as you need. I'll wait."
He smiled, closing the door behind him, leaving her rooted in place. The only man that had ever made her feel so safe, so valuable, was her father. As good as it felt it terrified her to the core, kicking her ever present urge to run into overdrive. Just as she decided to send one of the staff to tell him that she wouldn't be able to join him for breakfast the image of his smiling face came unbidden to her mind. That smile was for her. Whether it was love or not wasn't the important part. He cared about her and as hard as it was for her it accept it must be even harder for him. Yet he didn't keep pulling away. He kept trying to get closer, kept trying to get into her world. It wasn't enough to only be thinking of herself. He certainly wasn't thinking only of himself. It appeared from things that he had said and done that he was consistently thinking of her. With this thought in mind she grabbed a pair of navy blue shorts and a white v-neck, slipping into them and throwing her hair up in a loose ponytail before going barefoot to the canopy. As promised he was there waiting for her, smile still firmly in place. A sudden surge of affection came over her and she leaned to kiss his check before grabbing a grape and popping it in her mouth as she sat down.
"What was that for?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to."
For a moment she was tempted to panic. What if he didn't want her to kiss him? The anxiety that pressed at the edges of her mind was instantly swept away when she felt his hand once again take hers. As was a pattern with him he seemed to recognize when the fear was coming and did what he could to ward it off.
"I'm glad."
Leaning back slightly in his chair he reached for the toast sitting on the corner of his plate.
"So quickly before we have to entertain have you had a chance to review the financial on Grimm? Ms. Mills has emailed my mother about it nearly daily. She's making a bit of a nuisance of herself to be honest."
"Killian, I'm so sorry. I've been so busy with the ball and getting prepared for the trip that I haven't looked at them. I should have made them a priority and now your mother is going to think that I'm not up to the tasks that she's asked of me."
"Emma, I didn't tell you to make you feel bad. We can review them together this afternoon after the prime minister leaves. It's just financials. I would imagine that there's not going to be much out of the standard. Looking at them without the financials of parliament would be pointless anyways so that we can compare. Those are being sent over today. As you said we've been quite busy."
"Ms. Mills seems to be very focused on this."
"It's odd because we've really not had much communication from her up to now. It's only been since your visit to the agency that she's become unrelenting."
"She doesn't like me, that's for sure. I don't know what I did to her."
"Nor do I lass. She seems to go out of her way to make jabs at you, even in her correspondence with my mother."
"She's saying it to your mother? Oh Killian, seriously. Your mother is going to regret selecting me to be the princess."
His thumb stroked the back of her hand, offering comfort without words.
"Not a chance love. My mother is a wise woman, despite our differences. She saw something in you when she selected you for me and it's going to take more than a childish administrator to change her opinion."
She smiled before Ruby walked in.
"Your Highnesses. The Prime Minister and her husband are here."
"Thank you Miss Wolfstein. Please show them in."
Standing they prepared to greet their guests but Emma's mind had wandered back to Misthaven. Before her marriage, she had been extremely eager to travel, to use the resources of the kingdom to sate her desire to see the world. Now though, in this beautiful place, part of her yearned to get back to their kingdom to prove that she had what it took to be their princess.