It was after eight when she heard a knock at her door. Jumping up, she was hoping it wasn't an officer coming to notify her that Mike had been killed. Or worse, Ryan Hardy coming to tell her himself.
She opened her door, breath held, waiting for the worst.
Mike stood there, hands in his pockets, cold, distant, and covered in blood. He looked like he'd snapped.
He saw Hannah's eyes widen.
"It's not my blood," he said, pushing past her into her apartment. She closed the door behind him.
He looked dangerous, ready to fight, annoyed. It made her nervous.
"What happened?" she asked, not sure if she wanted to know. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to be in the same room with him. She didn't know this person. His presence didn't even feel the same.
He turned away from her, angry.
"It was just me, Ryan, and Max… we got one of the twins and tried to trade him for Joe... We went after them and I shot one of them but he still attacked me. The rest of them got away. We thought we'd gotten Joe… but he wasn't there."
His story didn't make much sense… he'd left out parts. He was furious. He wasn't thinking clearly.
"That's where the blood came from," she said, her skin crawling knowing that he was standing in her apartment, covered in someone else's blood… someone he'd killed.
"Even after he was down, I kept hitting him," he said, eyes wild, "I couldn't stop."
He turned, knocking her lamp off the end table, shattering it. "Max had to stop me. She looked at me like I was a monster."
He took a step towards her and she backed up.
"You think I am, too?" he growled, "Yeah, I am unstable. Ryan sees that now, too. He knows what he's turned me into. Surprise, you were right, I am turning into Ryan Hardy."
He was so detached and it made her nervous. She'd never seen him like this before.
He looked to the lamp he'd broken. "Get used to this. This is how unstable I am."
Hannah blinked. He unnerved her. This wasn't like him.
"I think you should leave," she said quietly and carefully.
Mike's jaw hardened. "You don't want to be around me, either?"
"Mike," she said, unsure, "This isn't like you…"
"No, Hannah," he said confidently, "This is me now. You don't see how I really am. You see me and think that the FBI and Ryan Hardy are making me worse but I already am worse. You should've seen what I did to that guy today, Hannah. I almost killed him. I wanted to. I don't want to control my anger anymore."
She didn't know what to say. Maybe he was right… maybe this was how he really was and she only saw select good sides of him…
"You are becoming Ryan," she said reluctantly, "You're pushing me away like he pushed you away. You hated him for it but now you're doing it. And you're angry that he looks at you now like you used to look at him. Because he knows that you're losing it, too."
He didn't say anything. Now she was getting it.
"You need this to be over, Mike," she said, "All of this. Ryan, Max, Joe, all those people… that's what's eating you… The fact that it won't stop is what is destroying you. It's killing Ryan because he's been stuck in this mess for years and lost so many people to it. Now you've been stuck in it, too. When will you finally let it go? Will it take losing someone? Or will that make you go farther down this rabbit hole?"
He didn't have an answer. He wanted to say that one day he'd be done… but he didn't know if he'd walk away. He should've walked away today… after Mendez threatened to end his career. After beating Luke within an inch of his life…
But Ryan and Max needed him. Joe was still out there…
"I need it to end, Hannah," he said, "I'm desperate for it. We were so close to getting him today…"
She sighed. They'd always be so close to getting him.
"Go wash your face," she said, "I can't keep looking at you like this."
Reluctantly, he padded off towards her bedroom. She was tired of fighting with him. It was true, he was escalating.
She got some pasta out of the fridge and heated it up in the microwave, dishing it onto a plate as he came back out, face clean.
"I'm not hungry," he said as she set his plate down at his usual spot. His voice was calmer now.
She rolled her eyes. "I'm not asking."
Hannah put a fork down next to his plate and took him out a beer silently.
She took a bite of her pasta and uncapped a beer for herself, too; she needed it.
She was halfway done with her food when he finally sat down and ate a bite. She didn't make eye contact with him.
After twenty minutes and a second beer for him, he finally spoke.
"I'm sorry I'm such a dick sometimes," he said, eyes on his plate.
She shrugged. "I'm starting to expect it when you come home from work."
He had any energy left, he would've smirked. When you come home.
He had been coming home to her lately.
He looked up at her as she took his plate. She did such a good job of taking care of him. She always did.
"Thank you for taking care of me even when I don't deserve it," he said lowly.
She didn't deserve the get he worst of his attitude. Things at work and with Ryan and Joe didn't concern her. She shouldn't have to deal with it.
"I'm sorry I broke your lamp, too," he said, glancing at it on the floor.
She looked at it. "Don't worry about it. Just don't break the next one I replace it with."
He smirked. "I'll try not to."
She smiled. "Mike, honestly though… I don't know what I can do for you if you keep coming here like this… I don't know what you want me to say."
He looked down, annoyed with himself for acting like that with her.
"I know… I'm sorry… I'm cool and collected when I'm at work and with you… but then as soon as I start talking or hearing about Joe and Ryan… I get so annoyed. I'm starting to lose it, I know…" he trailed off. He didn't know what else to say.
"You know I'm always a call away and that you can come anytime you'd like, as long as it's not too late," she said carefully, "But if this gets to the point where it starts to wear on me and starts to affect me, I'll have to stop seeing you like this."
He nodded. "I understand."
"You'll still be able to talk to me about all this stuff, hell, you need to talk to someone, but I'll start separating. It's part of my denial thing. If it starts hurting me, I'll get as far away from it as I can," she said, explaining herself.
"I don't want to hurt you," he said, realizing that she was as involved in this as he was, "But I'm glad that you're still looking out for yourself and know what's best for you…"
"You know what's best for you, too," she said, defending him, "But right now that's too hard for you to do."
He nodded. That was the damn truth.
"I'm still sorry I'm such a dick," he said, still feeling bad about it.
She smiled. "I know you are. You're human. And dealing with Ryan Hardy and Joe Carroll. It's bound to happen."
He smirked. Not a good excuse at all…
Hannah checked her watch. "Mike, it's getting late… I have school tomorrow."
He nodded. He wished he could stay late again but he knew she was doing what she needed to do. He wished he had the same resolve that she did about his welfare.
"Could I stay tonight?" he asked carefully, "I promise I'll let you sleep… I have to go in to work tomorrow, too… that is if I still have a job…"
She thought about it. As much as she enjoyed sleeping alone, it would probably be better for him. She was sure he'd end up back on his computer until morning trying to find Joe.
She nodded. "I'm going to shower. And then I'm going to bed. If you're not showered and ready to sleep in twenty minutes, I'm locking the door and I won't let you back in."
He smiled. "You got it."
He was out the door and she got in the shower. She should've set harsher limits with him. She shouldn't be letting him spend the night. She should've made him stay at his place and let them have their space, especially since she had to go back to work in the morning.
But she couldn't let herself be part of the reason why he spiraled out of control. If she didn't let him stay, he'd be up all night and getting even more angry.
He said he'd let her sleep. She resolved that if he wasn't back in twenty minutes or he didn't let her sleep, she was locking him out. Turning off the shower and getting out, she promised herself that.
She brushed out her hair and picked out her outfit for the next morning, making sure her ID tag was in her purse like always.
Bushing her teeth, she noticed that he had two minutes left. She reminded herself that she was staying strict to her limit. She rinsed her toothbrush and turned off the bathroom light.
At thirty seconds to spare, Mike came through her front door, locking it behind him, barefoot.
He carried with him shoes and clothes for work tomorrow. He looked almost embarrassed as he set his things down on her bench by the window. He hoped she didn't think he was weak for wanting to sleep in bed with her again and not go back to his bed alone. More than anything, he wanted her to still know that he was the same guy. Even if he'd told her he wasn't.
As she turned out the kitchen light, he got into his side of the bed, getting comfortable.
She turned off the bedside light and he waited for her to get in beside him. He loved the feeling of this. It felt like this was normal. He liked someone else being part of day after he came home.
Hannah got into bed and turned onto her side comfortably. Her alarm was set for five. She would get seven hours of sleep.
Mike felt her still and he waited. Did she want to sleep by herself and unbothered? She said he could stay if he let her sleep…. Would laying close with him bother her? Should he stay on his side of the bed?
Truthfully, he wanted to be closer. He wanted to be close enough to smell her skin and feel her warmth… but would that bother her?
He decided to stay where he was. She didn't want to be bothered. He would stay away.
In the middle of the night, however, he woke slightly to find himself pressed against her, legs over hers and arm around her waist. She was soft and warm. Even in his sleep, he couldn't stay away from her.