Wow, thank you all so much for the incredible support! I really can't express how grateful and appreciative I am. Special thanks to andsoitis2, wani, xxBabyT-ranxx, Shananigan, joro3, olacindy, Written-in-hearts, and Livy for all the wonderful comments! Sorry for the late update, hope you like it : )
Quinn watched the rainfall down from her small bedroom window. She secretly liked the rain, even though everyone else in New York complained about it. She loved the smell and the dampness that accompanied it. She loved the way it made all her problems wash away, if only for just a little while. It had been a week since Beth's birthday and she still hadn't told James about any of it. Every time she opened her mouth to make the big reveal she found herself at a loss for words. It felt like some big power was stopping her from telling him, even though she just wanted it to be over. She made the decision that today she was going to tell him everything. No if ands or buts. She was going to do it fast, just like ripping off a Band-Aid. All she could do was hope that the wound wasn't too bad and that he would be able to forgive her for being so secretive and distant.
At that second, the doorbell rang, drawing her out of her thoughts.
"This is it," Quinn muttered under her breath before taking a deep breath and pushing herself off her bed.
She pulled open the door to find her boyfriend standing on the other side, a bouquet of daises in his hand and a grin plastered on his face.
"Hey," he said sweetly, leaning in to place a kiss on her cheek before handing over the daisies.
"Aww thanks," Quinn said softly, admiring the white flowers, even though tulips were her favourite. Puck never failed to forget that. Quinn pushed the thought out of her mind the second it arose. She hated the fact that she was always subconsciously comparing the two guys. She didn't understand why Puck always popped up in her head at times like this; it wasn't like she even had feelings for him anymore. Or at least, that's what she told herself.
"So where do you want to go for lunch today?" James asked.
"Hmm, maybe we could try that diner Rachel and Finn were talking about. I could go for a milkshake," she replied, putting the flowers in water.
"Sounds good Q."
She froze at the sink when she heard his use of her nickname for the second time. "Why do you call me that?" she asked.
"Call you what?"
"Q."
"I dunno, I guess I've heard Santana call you that before," he said, remembering the time he met Quinn's hot friend at the wedding. "And maybe that Puck dude."
Quinn flinched when he said that, knowing that in less than an hour James wasn't going to think of Puck as "some dude" but rather, the guy who knocked his current girlfriend up in high school. "Oh," she said, cocking her head to the side.
"Do you not like it?"
"It's not that I don't like it… its just that only three people really call me Q. And it feels weird hearing you say it."
"Oh, sorry." James said.
Quinn could hear the hurt in his tone. She instantly regretted bringing up the topic; she should have just dropped it. She didn't need another thing to worry about today.
"You don't need to be sorry," Quinn said giving him a quick peck on the cheek, "I was just curious, forget I mentioned it. I'll just grab my jacket and then we'll head out. Kay?"
"Okay…probably a good idea to wear rain boots too, its coming down hard," he advised as Quinn rummaged through the small front closest.
She pulled on her turquoise blue boots, before interlacing her hand with his. She prayed that he didn't notice how clammy her hand was from sweating out of nervousness.
"You okay, babe? You seem a little off," James said, as Quinn locked the apartment door behind her.
"Oh, me? I'm fine. Never been better," she lied, pulling him towards the elevator.
xxxxxx
Quinn absentmindedly twirled her straw in thick pink milkshake sitting in front of her. She avoided eye contact with James, as she pulled the straw out and licked it like a five year old would do.
"You're adorable," James said, watching Quinn as she played with her drink.
She finally looked up at his eyes and gave her best attempt at a smile, before shoving the silver milkshake cup off to the side. She stood up in her seat as her facial expression changed to a more serious one.
"Ihavesomethingtotellyou," they both blurted out at exactly the same time.
James started chuckling at their synchronization, but Quinn was too nervous to laugh. Instead, she found herself staring at him, waiting for him to say something, anything at all.
"Sorry, you go first," he told her after a few seconds, suppressing a smile.
"Please don't be upset," she whispered, averting her gaze back to the linoleum table. Instantly, the smile disappeared off James' face and it turned to a more serious and concerned look.
James leaned forwards as she spoke, resting his hand on top of hers. "Quinn, what's wrong you're scaring me."
"Nothings wrong," she replied gently, pulling back her hand. For some reason, she couldn't stand the contact; it made her feel claustrophobic. "I just…have something that I need to share with you. It happened a few years ago."
"Okay…"
"I…umm…" She paused.
"Quinn, just tell me. I won't be upset, I promise."
She took a deep, but shaky breath, and closed her eyes as she tried to remember what exactly she had rehearsed that morning in front of her bathroom mirror.
"In sophomore year of high school, I dated Finn –"
"Wait," James interrupted, "Finn, as in Rachel's fiancé? That Finn?"
Quinn frowned, annoyed that he interrupted her when this clearly was very difficult for her to say. "Yes, that Finn."
James let out a stark laugh, "Oh Quinn, I don't care about some silly high school boyfriend you had."
"I'm not finished yet," she replied, a tinge frustrated.
"Sorry, continue…"
"I was dating Finn, I was captain of the cheerios." She watched James frown from across the table, "It was the nickname we had for the cheerleading squad at my high school," she explained to him, and he nodded in response. "Anyways, one day I got let out early from practice. My coach told me I had gained three pounds, and I felt absolutely horrible. I was disgusted with myself, mainly because it reminded me of when I was younger… and a little chubby," she said, feeling slightly relieved that James already knew about her Lucy Caboosey days. It was one less thing she needed to explain now. "So, I ran to my car in tears, I was so upset. Puck, you went to the game with him," Quinn reminded.
"Yeah I know Puck…"
"Well Puck saw that I was upset and he offered to drive me home. He said I shouldn't be driving when I was upset and crying. So he drove me home and I invited him in. We weren't really friends or anything. I only knew him as Finn's best friend and Santana's fuck buddy of course. But he seemed like a nice guy. So we had a few wine coolers to take the edge off. And then before I knew it, we were making out."
James frowned as she spoke, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
"I didn't not like it either," Quinn continued. "I know I should have pushed him away, but I didn't really want to. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and that I wasn't fat. I felt so vulnerable and upset, but he also made me feel loved, something that Finn didn't really understand how to do. Eventually, the make-out session turned into something more and we had….we had sex. I cheated on Finn with his best friend," Quinn blurted out, averting her gaze immediately.
By now, James' eyes were wide in surprise. "You had sex with Puck?"
Quinn nodded her head in confirmation.
"Holy shit."
"I'm sorry."
"Quinn, I'm not upset with you about that, I'm just shocked is all. I trust you; I don't think that you're going to cheat on me or anything. Is that what you're worried about?"
"No," she replied firmly. "But just let me finish okay…I'm not done."
He nodded. "Okay go on…"
"So a few days after we had sex, I found out that..." She gulped in order to prepare herself for what she was finally about to admit and what James was probably starting to figure out…. "That I was pregnant. I was pregnant with Puck's baby," she whispered quickly.
"Oh god," James muttered under his breath from across the table. He pounded his fist onto the table, making the plates and glasses sitting on top shuffle. "Fucking Puck got you pregnant," he yelled, attracting the attention of many onlookers.
"James, please," Quinn said softly, trying to calm him down. "It wasn't just him…"
"I can't believe this. How could you keep this from me Quinn? We've been dating for four months! I went to a fucking hockey game with the guy! How come you didn't tell me?"
"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," she said, a tear trickling down her face.
"Then what…then what happened? Did Finn ever find out? Does he know now, or is it some big fat secret still?
"Of course he knows… do you seriously think I would be able to be such good friends with him if he didn't know? I know this is big news but is that really who you think I am now?"
James ran his hand through his blonde hair, taking a deep breath in the process. "No…I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say," he replied more gently, his emotions managing to level themselves out a bit.
Quinn ignored his words, and continued on with her story, "I pretended that Finn was the father for a few months. I couldn't tell him the truth. I knew that I could count on him and that he would be there for the baby and me. I felt bad for lying, and for making Puck feel like he was second best. But I was scared. My dad kicked me out, I got booted off the cheerios, I lost people who I thought were my friends, I became a nobody. But eventually, everyone figured it out. Rachel was the one who told him..."
" This is too much…"
"I had the baby right after our glee competition and Puck was there to see her being born. We loved her more than anything else in the world, but we couldn't keep her. We knew she deserved a better life. So we gave her up…to Rachel's birth mother. I still see her sometimes, she's beautiful…my perfect thing. The one thing I got right."
"What's her name?" James asked, his voice serious but softer than before.
"Beth."
"Beth," he repeated back. "It's pretty."
"It was Puck's idea."
"So you went through all that shit Quinn?"
"Yeah…" she said softly, "and junior and senior year weren't much better. There was this crazy theory I had that I could somehow get Beth back," she admitted, almost laughing at how absurd it sounded now. "But eventually I got my act together, started learning to be grateful for all I had in my life."
"I'm proud of you," James said.
Quinn smiled at his words, feeling so relieved that the truth had finally come out. But she couldn't help but notice how different the words "I'm proud of you," sounded coming out of James' mouth compared to when Puck said it a mere year ago. It didn't give Quinn the same warm feeling in the pit of her stomach. Once again, she ignored it, telling herself not to compare two totally different people.
"I really am proud of you, you went through something that most teenagers shouldn't. But look at you know," he motioned towards her.
"Thank you. I'm so sorry for not telling you sooner. I meant to, I really did but I just couldn't find the right time…I know that's no excuse. But last week was her birthday and I just couldn't do it, it was too hard. I'm really sorry…please forgive me."
"Of course I forgive you. I just wish that you had felt comfortable telling me in the first place, because I don't want there to be secrets between us. I want you to know that you can tell me anything. I'm sorry for yelling earlier, I just was so shocked; I'm sorry too."
"Thank you for understanding," she said, leaning across the table to place a chaste kiss on his lips. "I'm lucky to have you."
"No….I'm the lucky one. You know how many guys would kill to date you?"
Quinn blushed at the compliment, biting her lower lip out of habit.
"But I do have one question."
"Anything," she replied. "I know I just told you a lot of information that's probably hard to comprehend. I'll answer anything you want to know."
"After Beth….did anything happen between you and Puck again?"
Quinn frowned slightly, surprised at his question. She was prepared for questions about Beth but not necessarily about Puck. "Umm.. no. Not really. We ignored each other for a year; it just hurt too much. Whenever I saw him I saw Beth. I think we needed that time apart to give ourselves a break from all the heartache. But senior year, he helped me a lot. I did try to seduce him once," she answered truthfully, chuckling slightly at how stupid it seemed, "but that ended really quickly. Puck is one of my best friends now, and he really helped me see that I could get out of Lima. It doesn't weird you out, does it? That I'm just good friends with him."
"No…I understand. It's good that you're friends, I just wanted to know."
"You're the one I want to be with James," Quinn reassured him, grabbing his hand. Yet, she couldn't quite tell if it was him she was reassuring or herself.
He smiled back at her lovingly. For a few minutes they sit in silence; the only sound is of their forks clattering against the plate. But it isn't an awkward silence at all; it's more like a comfortable one. It's like a breath of fresh air or the calm after a storm.
At first Quinn thought that the silence was because James was just trying to comprehend everything. However, judging from the expression on his face it appeared as if he wanted to speak but didn't know what to say. She waited patiently for him, not wanting to push or pressure his words to come out.
"That actually brings me to what I wanted to tell you," James eventually said.
Quinn leaned forward on the edge of her seat, "Of course."
"I guess I'll just come out and say it because I don't know how else to tell you…"
"Just tell me," she replied eagerly, excited to hear his news.
"I got a job offer…"
"That's great -"
"In Paris."
"Paris, Ohio?"
James laughed at her adorableness, "No….Paris, France."
"Oh my god… that's so amazing, I'm so happy for you!" Quinn screamed, as she got up from her chair and walked around to his side of the table, wrapping her hands around him and placing a kiss to his cheek. She was a little upset that he would be leaving, but maybe they could make it work long distance…if they tried hard enough. "That's so great babe…oh my god, what an incredible opportunity. You deserve it."
"That brings me to the next thing…..us."
"Oh its okay, we'll figure something out," she said, forcing a smile. "We can try the long distance thing. There's no harm in trying right? And I'll come visit you and you can come here. I mean, I love Paris…"
"Comewithme?" James blurted out, interrupting her ramblings.
"What?"
"Come with me. To France."
Quinn's hazel eyes went wide as she stared at him in shock. "What?" she repeated.
"I know that we've only been together for four months, and this sounds totally and utterly crazy, but I really feel like we have something Quinn. There is something there, and we just feel right together…."
Quinn sat in shock as she listened to him speak. She could hear what James was saying, but it felt like she wasn't able to truly comprehend each and every word. It felt like she was there physically but her mind was somewhere totally else. She shook her head slightly as she tried to regain her focus, but her mind was drawing blanks and she didn't know what to say. The words, "you're crazy," eventually spilled out of her mouth.
"I know this is asking a lot of you and I don't expect you to make a decision anytime soon, but just think about it okay. Because I really think you're the one for me Quinn, and I just…. I just want you to come with me."
She ran her hair through her blonde locks as she stared at him, trying to decipher whether he was being serious or totally just joking to get back at her earlier reveal, which had been long forgotten by now. "We can't just move to Paris together."
"Why not?"
"Why not?" she repeated incredulously. "Are you serious? We've been dating for four months," Quinn replied, holding up the number on her hand. "Four months! You haven't even met my mother yet. You didn't even know I had a daughter until 10 minutes ago. How can we move to Paris together? We don't even live together now…" They hadn't even had sex yet or told each other they loved one another. Quinn wasn't even sure if she did, that was how crazy this idea was.
"I know…but it feels like its been longer than four months. And this wouldn't mean that we would have to rush anything… we could still take it slow. We could even live in different apartments."
"My whole life is here," Quinn replied. "My family, my friends, Beth, school. Everything I've ever known is here in the United States. Do you expect me to just leave all of that behind?" she questioned, getting slightly irritated now as she thought about what exactly he was asking her to do.
"Of course not," James said gently. "I just thought I would tell you and let you think about it for a while."
Quinn exhaled deeply as she bit down on her lip. "I'm really happy for you and proud. I'm so proud that you've gotten a job offer in Paris of all places. That's so great, and you're amazing. You really are. But…"
"Just promise me you'll think about it Quinn," James said, cutting her off. "You can still go to school there…they have some pretty prestigious acting schools. You can spruce up on your French; we can eat baguettes everyday and look at the Eiffel tower. Of course, I'll get the company to sponsor flights home for us, and we can come back once every other month or something. It's an experience of a lifetime in the city of love."
Quinn sighed as she listened to James' description. It did really sound beautiful and perfect almost. But she would be away from everyone she loved: Rachel, Puck, Finn, her mother, Fran, Beth. She didn't know if she could do it; she barely made it through Beth's birthday in one piece without Puck by her side. And Rhode Island is more than just a short plane ride away if she goes to Paris. She couldn't let that be the deciding factor though. Quinn looked over at the young, blonde, blue-eyed man sitting across from her. He was starting at her with a wistful, loving expression in his eye, and she instantly felt herself smile. Maybe she could go to Paris. Maybe it would be the true fresh start she needed: a whole new life in an entirely different country.
"Okay, I'll think about it."
James grinned in response at her words as he leaned over and kissed her. "Thank you," he muttered under his breath. "Thank you…"
Xxxxx
Quinn sighed as she looked around at the tall skyscrapers surrounding her. She savoured these few minutes alone. She liked James, she really did. But he had surprised her with his France news and sprung something so unexpected that she was having trouble digesting everything. That's why she told him she would walk home. He frowned at her statement, insisting that he would take the taxi back to her apartment but Quinn had said no. She needed to think about everything immediately or her brain would go into overload mode.
She sat down on a bench and put her hands to her temple as she began to move them in circles, trying to ease away the oncoming headache. "What am I supposed to do?" she muttered under her breath.
She loved New York; it was everything she had ever imagined it would be and she loved her classes at college. Everything seemed to be going so smoothly. But with her luck, something had to happen to make her question everything. She glanced up at the dark, grey sky. The raining had eased up considerably but a few drops still fell lightly as if threatening another storm. Quinn watched single drops fall and hit the cement sidewalk, leaving little wet patches behind for only a mere second. She couldn't help but think what it would be like to pack everything up and hop on a flight to France. She would be leaving everyone behind. Well, everyone except the one person who would be sitting next to her on the plane, hands intertwined with hers.
"Is this a sign?" she wondered, still watching the raindrops steadily hit the ground.
Maybe her life was just like the single drop of rain: it makes impact for a single second and then disappears again. She had come to New York less than a year ago, but here she was thinking of leaving again.
Quinn always thought that moving to a different state would somehow erase all the pain. It would make all her mistakes and divergences seem less significant, less important. But that hadn't necessarily been the case. Those things still followed her, showing up when she least wanted them too. Maybe New York hadn't been good enough. Maybe a whole new country, a whole new continent for that matter, would give her the release she wanted. This time, it really would be a whole new life, a whole new her. She would always come back: for her family and friends; for Rachel and Finn's wedding; for Beth…. For Puck.
The thoughts, "Am I being irrational? Or am I being spontaneous? " Floated through her mind as she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the familiar number.
James picked up almost immediately, like he had been sitting near the phone waiting for her call even though it hasn't even been an hour since he broke the news.
"Well?" he asked, not even needing to say hello first.
The last thought that entered Quinn's mind before she gave an answer was…Puck.
Puck.
She would miss him the most.
She ignored it though, because that's what she always does.
"Yes…" she finally said into the phone, "I'll come to France with you."