On the downside, this chapter came later than it should have because I got locked out of my fanfiction account and it took me forever to reset the password. On the upside, you get a two chapter update this time around again! Enjoy chapters 14 and 15!
All the way out of the elevator and back to the room Bucky is ranting at Steve, who's barely listening anymore. He's exhausted and it's been a very long day.
"How did you even manage without me around?...-jumping out of planes…no parachute…could have died…you stupid kid…what were you thinking…what would your mother say…were you even thinking at all…?"
Steve sighs and rolls his eyes affectionately, not having the heart nor the energy to quiet Bucky's rambling.
Neither of them acknowledges Bucky crawling into bed with Steve. It is new for this decade, but not new in general. Especially during the winter the two would huddle for warmth under the covers of one or the other's bed, and more often than not it was Bucky crawling in next to Steve to keep his small frame warm. It's nothing new, but it's nothing recent either. Needless to say it's familiar, if slightly awkward.
They used to fit together easily, and in today's terms, Bucky was the big spoon. Now Bucky's trying to remember if they touched at all while sleeping, or if they slept on separate sides, or how on earth did they manage this in the first place? Steve is lying on his side not facing Bucky and waiting for him to figure it out. And then he tries to help and somehow makes it worse.
They're bumping elbows against sides and knees against shins and it's a mess that may or may not leave them more exhausted than they were in the first place and the effort may not even be worth it. Bucky finally gives up and lies on his back and Steve follows suit. He rolls onto his side again, which is more comfortable for him. Bucky falls asleep quickly while Steve lies awake wondering when things will stop being awkward with them or when they will ever fall back into their normal routine. He figures never.
Once Bucky's asleep, he starts twitching, somewhat like the kittens that are sleeping in the corner together on a towel Steve threw on the floor a couple of days ago. He's groaning in his sleep, and then whimpering. Steve's heart hurts for him, wishing more than ever that he could just wipe the slate clean for his friend and make it so that nothing bad ever happened - that nothing ever changed. He's glad the nightmare isn't worse, for Bucky's sake and his own.
Steve reaches across the bed and puts a hand on Bucky's arm in some vain hope that that will help, and then…it does. Bucky shudders and then lies still, reaching across quickly with his metal arm to grab Steve's hand. Steve wonders sleepily what Bucky can feel with the metal. Pressure? Temperature? Texture? Pain? Regardless, he's comforted by the thought that maybe he can feel more. Once Bucky has Steve's hand secured in his own, he gently untangles his right arm from under Steve's arm and releases Steve's hand with the left so he can it with his right. Maybe Bucky can only feel with his right hand which is why he switched. Or maybe it's more comfortable for him, you idiot a voice chimes in his head.
So with that, Bucky lying on the left and Steve on the right and their hands clasped together in a way that Steve doesn't mind and Bucky doesn't realize he's doing, Steve finally falls asleep.
When Steve wakes up, he's lying on his side facing Bucky and Bucky is lying on his side facing Steve and their hands are still threaded lightly together. The nightmares went away for that night and Bucky slept more soundly than Steve knew he had for ages. He studies Bucky's face for a minute, no longer tense and strained the way it usually is when he sleeps.
Bucky probably wouldn't have woken up for a while if it hadn't been for the cats. The two cats, the Russian blue and the patchwork kitten, which Steve and Bucky still haven't decided on names for yet, leap onto the bed and start cuddling and mewling in the spaces between Steve and Bucky's faces and the bed. Bucky awakes with a start, startled by a tail under his nose and he blows fluff away from his face.
"Dammit…" he says groggily, "What the hell…?" He pulls his hand out of Steve's, not noticing that he had, and rubs his eyes. "Oh. Cats. Right. Damn." Steve quirks an eyebrow at him.
"We should name them."
"Why?"
"They need names, Bucky."
"Well, let's start with genders. I don't even know what mine is." He knocks the kitten gently on its side and lifts its leg up to look. Steve crinkles his nose and Bucky scoffs at him.
"Don't give me that look, Steve. Cats don't have or need modesty. I can check for you if you're too squeamish, you big sissy." Steve rolls his eyes and then nods,
"Uh…yeah, sure, you can check for me." Bucky snickers at Steve's embarrassment and lifts up the leg of the blue kitten.
"They're both girls. Congratulations." Steve sighs when his kitten rubs under his nose again, as though purposely trying to make him sneeze, and settles right next to his face.
"They're cute, I'll grant 'em that," Steve says, "Though my last experience with cats was with alley cats in Brooklyn."
"Those little shits…nearly gave you rabies, remember?" Steve laughs and points at the small scar on his wrist from the scratch.
"Yeah…gave my mom a scare. You were so sure I was gonna start foaming at the mouth…oh my God, Bucky…" Steve trails off and glances at his friend curiously. "Well…I'm sure these ones don't have rabies. Tony probably ran a bunch of tests or something. He's probably bringing them in today to make them hypoaller-whatever so Pepper won't go into anaphylactic shock."
"Is she that allergic?" Bucky asks, crinkling his nose.
"I dunno," Steve shrugs. He glances down at his cat, sitting up on his elbow and pokes at her fur experimentally. "Would you laugh if I named my cat Peggy?" Bucky stares at him for a second before looking down at his respective kitten and saying quietly,
"Not if you didn't laugh if I named my cat Becky."
"Your sister?" Bucky shrugs as though it doesn't matter, but Steve notices there's some tension there. "Is she, ah…around anymore?"
"Nah. She died a few years ago, left some kids and some grandbabies. None of them know me of course, except for the stories."
"I'm sorry, Buck, really I am." Steve puts his hand on Bucky's cheek, pushing his hair back from his face and rubbing his thumb up and down soothingly. Bucky closes his eyes and leans into Steve's touch, trying hard not to show how much Rebecca's death really meant to him.
"'S fine. The only family I really need is here." He smiles at Steve halfheartedly, but Steve knows as well as Bucky that it hurts more than he wants to believe it does.
"That means you have family. Real family," Steve tries. "Have you talked to them?" Bucky makes a face at him as if to say 'Really, Steve?' and rolls over onto his back, letting Steve's arm fall away from him.
"No," he says quietly, despite wishing he could be scathingly sarcastic with his reply. "I haven't. I don't think they'd want to know me. They're related to a killer. I can't put that on them. For all they know I'm dead."
"You can't think that," Steve says quickly. "They know you're not dead. Or they should, if they follow social media. Natasha released all of SHIELD's and HYDRA's intel – there's stuff in there about you. And about me, and her, and all of us." Bucky sits up quickly and Steve starts to realize there are some things he neglected to tell him…on purpose or by accident he can't remember.
"She did what?" Becky meows indignantly at being displaced and rubs against Bucky's arm.
"She had to, to expose HYDRA and…well, sort of to save SHIELD's ass a bit," Steve confesses. "She wanted to make sure people knew there was a clear difference between the two. She had to scrap both of them and start over, and we couldn't do that without releasing all of the information. Don't give me that look – it was at great personal risk to herself, Bucky. Do you know what she had to do after that? She's got a rep just like yours and she was in her own head when she did it."
"So they know…" Bucky says, lying back and staring at the ceiling, "They know everything."
"Well…not everything. Not even SHIELD knew everything, but the HYDRA files may be more vindictive."
"Wait, hang on a second," Bucky says, narrowing his eyes. "If everyone knows what I've done…why am I not sitting in a jail somewhere? I killed people…lots of people…very important people, Steve."
"When the government comes knocking at our door for your ass, I'll let you know. But for now I think they're cleaning up SHIELD and HYDRA's mess and aren't really concerned about confronting the Avengers to arrest you. They'll come when they're good and ready and by then they're own evidence can and will be used against them because I read your file and it talks about the methods they used on you. They might be able to prove you did it, but we can prove you were forced to, even if we can't prove that they brainwashed you."
Bucky whistles and says with a smirk, "Wow, Steve Rogers, you have quite the little case built up for me, don'tcha?"
"Of course." Steve smiles. "I thought of this. I wouldn't let them take you away. If worse comes to worst, Tony can stick some green bills under some people's noses and they'll suddenly decide you're about as innocent as a baby."
"I've never been as innocent as a baby," Bucky says, his lips twitching as he tries to hold back an amused grin. "But you've always been a fucking boy scout." Steve smiles and looks down at the bed, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment.