~late 2004~
Yunho worriedly walked around in the livingroom of the apartment, twisting his hands nervously. Yoochun, Junsu and Changmin had gone out to play, leaving him and Jaejoong alone in the apartment. Jaejoong was still asleep, Yunho knew that much. So, why was he so worried? Well, because today, he was going to do it. He was going to confess his love for the older boy. It was madness, but he needed to confess to him. He had been in love with Jaejoong since the first day they had met. At first, he had fallen for the other's cold appearance, and as they got to know each other, he fell for Jaejoong's warmth and his caring character. So today, he was going to confess.
Jaejoong stretched out in the bed with a sleepy sound, then slowly opening his eyes. The hamtaro pajama was a bit messed up, but he quickly fixed it after getting out of bed. The long brown hair was still in a perfect position, mostly thanks to him being very still when sleeping. Still half asleep, he stumbled out in the bathroom, grabbed his toothbrush and put it in his mouth before he walked out in the bright apartment. He spotted Yunho and smiled a little "Good morning, Yunho-ah." He said softly. The boy in the livingroom looked nervous, and he couldn't help but wonder why.
Yunho jumped high when Jaejoong spoke to him, quickly spinning around.
"Ah, Jaejoong-hyung..!" Yunho blushed a little when he saw him. Oh god, he was so damn cute in that pajama "You're awake..!"
Jaejoong sighed "Ya, stop calling me hyung, you're making me feel old."
Yunho bit his lip, still nervously twisting his hands "Sorry…"
Jaejoong smiled as he continued to brush his teeth. Yunho stole shy glances of him when he thought the other didn't see. He knew Jaejoong was naked underneath the pajama, and that added on to his nervousness.
"What's wrong with you today?" Jaejoong broke the awkward silence with a question. This wasn't much alike Yunho at all, normally he'd be running around Jaejoong like a lovesick puppy.
"Ah, I…" Yunho bit his bottom lip, smiling shyly.
"You..?" Jaejoong took out his toothbrush from his mouth, waiting patiently.
"Jaejoong, I… Eh…" Yunho blushed intensely by now, scratching the back of his neck.
"You what?" Jaejoong looked amused. So that was the issue, huh? Well, he had seen it coming for quite a while. Not that he minded. But he wanted to hear Yunho actually say it before he said something.
"Jaejoong, I… I…" Yunho closed his eyes, trying to find all the bravery that had ran away as soon as Jaejoong had entered the room.
"Yes, you?" Jaejoong tried to hold back a huge smile, biting his lip to hide it.
Yunho walked up to him, grabbing his arms and looked him straight in the eyes "I… I think I… Kind of… Like you."
Jaejoong let his smile spread over his face "You THINK you kind of like me?"
"No, I mean. I like you. I like you a lot." Yunho said quickly "I… I like you very much…" he added, biting his bottom lip and let go of Jaejoong's arms "It's okay if you don't feel the same way, I just… Wanted to tell you."
Jaejoong played a little with his own fingers "And… What if I do like you the same way you like me?"
Yunho looked up at him, a bit surprised "Then… Then I promise that I'll protect you. Forever and always."
The young boy in the hamtaro pajama smiled and took the two steps that kept them apart "Then I say that I feel the same way about you…" he whispered, looking Yunho straight in the eyes "I like you too, Yunho."
Yunho smiled and placed his arms around Jaejoong's thin waist, hugging him hard with a laugh of joy "You do? Really?"
Jaejoong smiled widely and wrapped his arms around Yunho's neck "Really really."
Yunho couldn't have been happier when he leaned his forehead against Jaejoong's. The tense moment when both of them longed for the long awaited kiss to happen, not really daring to take the first step. A few more tense seconds, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before Jaejoong stretched up a little, finally letting their lips meet.
Yunho looked a bit surprised, but then closed his eyes. Jaejoong's lips were so soft, like a girl and he tasted sweet, like strawberries mixed with peppermint from the toothpaste. He hadn't expected that kissing another guy would feel this good, that a kiss would make his legs tremble this way. He hummed lowly as he curiously pressed his tongue against Jaejoong's lips, wanting to have access to the warm cave. Jaejoong shivered a little, willingly parting the soft, pink lips and let him in. Their tongues met, clumsily playing as they searched for the right rhythm. Yunho's head was spinning, and he pulled Jaejoong even closer. They broke the kiss for two seconds to catch some air before their lips searched their way to each other again, this time on Yunho's demand. The kisses got more and more intense, hands getting more interested in feeling each other's bodies and breaths speeding up as the lust started to fill them up.
"Y-yunho~…" Jaejoong whispered when Yunho's leg pressed hard against his crotch "Ah-annh~..!" he grabbed the others hair softly, shyly moving his hips a little against the other's leg. Yunho gasped when he felt Jaejoong's hard length, seeing it sticking out a little through the hole between two buttons. The sight excited him more than he had ever thought it would, and he slowly reached down to touch it. His fingertips met the head of the cock just as the door to the apartment slammed open. They flew away from each other as if a force had pushed them away, Jaejoong quickly disappearing into the bathroom again. Yunho was left, completely breathless as the other three members ran inside. He had kissed another guy. Not just any other guy, he had just kissed Kim Jaejoong. And he had liked it. He had liked it so much that his body almost went numb with lust. The noises got higher and higher, and he started to get annoyed. Who was making all that unnecessary sound? It sounded like someone slamming around in the kitchen, but nobody was in there…
Yunho woke up from the wonderful dream. He stared at the ceiling for a while, not really knowing where he was at first. Then he remembered. He was back in the real time. The time when him and Jaejoong weren't together anymore. He could hear Jaejoong rustle around in the kitchen, with Changmin talking to him about something. Yunho couldn't hear what it was. The only thing he knew was that five weeks had passed since that night when someone had sent him the pictures of Jaejoong and Hyunjoong. And he knew that he wasn't happy without Jaejoong by his side. Sure, they shared room and bed, but it was an invisible wall in between them, making it impossible for him to touch him. Yunho missed Jaejoong, but he didn't know what to say for Jaejoong to forgive him. With a depressed sigh, he sat up and looked down on the floor. Another worthless day was ahead of him.
Changmin looked at Jaejoong with a smile. Despite the hardships Jaejoong had with Yunho, he still smiled for Changmin's sake. Jaejoong knew how much Changmin hurt each time he saw Minho. Jaejoong had gotten even madder than Changmin, when it came out that Minho had been cheating on him with Taemin for weeks. Because he knew what cheating did to a person. And he knew how much it ruined lives. He had ruined his and Yunho's life together, just because he hadn't been faithful. He still blamed himself, despite Changmin telling him not to.
"Changmin-ah, can you set the table, and check if the rest of our members are up?" Jaejoong smiled to his young friend.
Changmin nodded and got up from the chair "Yes hyung." He said nicely. They hadn't been fighting at all those past weeks. Maybe because they knew how much they needed each other's support. Maybe because none of them could handle seeing either one upset and sad. The youngest member set the table before he walked off to Junsu's and Yoochun's room. He knocked on the door, and it was flung open by a widely smiling Junsu.
"… I'll take that as you're awake?" Changmin said, a bit taken aback.
Yoochun laughed as he walked up behind Junsu "We're up, and awake. Is the breakfast ready?"
"Yeah, Jaejoong-hyung is almost done. You should go and make him company before he starts thinking too much."
The smiles faded a little as Junsu and Yoochun looked at each other. Ever since that night, nothing had been like it should've been in their small family. Whenever Jaejoong was in the kitchen, Yunho avoided being there. If Yunho was in the livingroom, Jaejoong was somewhere else. And at the same time, anyone could tell how sad and unhappy they were with it.
"Aigoo… They really should make up with each other…" Junsu sighed as he walked out from the room, Yoochun following him.
"Yeah, they should." Chun agreed, and Changmin nodded.
"I'll go and wake up Yunho-hyung." Changmin said and walked to the last room. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door "Yunho-hyung?"
"Come in Changmin." Yunho said quietly, getting up from the bed and started to search for clean clothes.
Changmin stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him. Yunho looked terrible.
"You didn't get much sleep tonight, did you?" Changmin asked, maybe a bit harsher than he had meant it to be.
"No… No I didn't." Yunho said quietly, not looking at himself in the mirror. He knew what he'd see anyways, so why bother?
"Hyung, this must come to an end…" Changmin said, almost pleaded "None of us can handle this any longer. You and Jaejoong-hyung must make up with each other."
Yunho let out a sad, bitter laugh "And how do you suggest we do that? I ruined everything."
Changmin sighed "You don't get it, do you? Jaejoong is blaming all this on himself. He doesn't blame you at all, he's just blaming himself. We have to accompany him all day, and all he ever talks about is you. And then he starts crying, or just stops talking. Do you have any idea how much this is hurting us? He misses you so much, and yet you can't see it. You should forgive yourself, and you should forgive him before it's too late."
Yunho turned around and looked at Changmin "I don't know if I can… We messed up big time… It's not just a little fling between him and Hyunjoong, they were making out like crazy!"
Changmin angrily stomped the floor with his foot "Why don't you get it? Jaejoong loves you, not Hyunjoong! How can you not see it? I've lost the man I love because I didn't understand what I had. I didn't appreciate him enough, so in the end, he went to someone else."
Yunho looked at him, for the first time actually seeing how hurt Changmin was "Changmin, I'm sorry. I haven't even asked how you're feeling. I've been selfish, and I haven't been a good hyung to you. I'm sorry."
Changmin sighed and shook his head "Don't apologize to me. I'm not the one being hurt by your harsh words."
Yunho bit his bottom lip "I know." He whispered, then turning his back to Changmin again "I know."
The youngest member looked at him for a while before he walked out of the room and into the kitchen instead. He couldn't handle all those emotions. Better eat, before he started crying too.
Jaejoong looked at Changmin, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it softly "Eat up, I made a lot just for you." He said with a smile.
Changmin nodded and started eating without a word. His voice would break if he said something.
Yunho entered the kitchen a few minutes later, and Jaejoong froze up. He was standing by the bench, scooping up rice in two bowls for Junsu and Yoochun. He had nowhere to go, and no reason to suddenly leave. Yunho looked at the young man for a long while before he walked up behind him, wrapping his arms hard around the slim waist.
"Forgive me Jaejoongie. I'm so sorry." He whispered with a thick voice. Jaejoong closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. His heart fluttered when he felt Yunho's body against his own. He couldn't help that he wanted to be with him more than anything.
"Jaejoongie, please. I can't live like this any longer." Yunho felt his tears filling his eyes, nuzzling the back of his neck "I'm so sorry… I love you Jaejoongie, and I was wrong to treat you like that. I want to be with you, more than anything. I love you, and I always have."
Jaejoong hung down his head, fighting the tears that wanted to fall. He wanted to be with him, more than anything he wanted to be with Yunho, but could he forgive himself for what he had done? He didn't know, so he just stood there, completely stiff.
Yunho took a step backwards when he got no response, looking at his back with teary eyes "I understand. It's okay." He said quietly, pressing away the tears before he walked over to the table and sat down.
Jaejoong continued to scoop up rice in the bowls, taking a deep breath before he turned around and gave Yoochun and Junsu their bowls and walked out of the kitchen. The silence in the small room was suffocating. Changmin kept his head down during the rest of the meal, while Junsu and Yoochun shared worried glances. This was getting worse and worse. They all had expected Jaejoong to accept Yunho's apology, and when he didn't… Well… It kind of turned their world around a bit. Maybe Jaejoong didn't love Yunho anymore? The thought was almost impossible to think, but it could be the truth. And if Jaejoong didn't love Yunho anymore, what would happen to their safety as a group?
Jaejoong locked himself up in the bathroom, leaning on his hands against the sink. He finally let his tears fall, gasping for air between the silent sobs. It felt as if his heart had been crushed into thousands of pieces. He didn't want to refuse Yunho, but… The other was better off without him; he just hadn't realized it yet. So why couldn't he stop crying? The tears had no end. He cried whenever he was alone. And especially at night, when Yunho was fast asleep next to him. So close, and yet so far away. Every night since their break up, Jaejoong had been close to giving in and move close to Yunho when they had gone to bed. And every night, he hadn't done it, afraid of being refused and humiliated. He knew that they worried everyone. Not just the rest of the members, but also their stylists, their Coordi-noona, their manager… And their friends too. Hyunjoong had felt responsible for their break up, and he had almost cried when he apologized for causing such a bad thing in between them. His new girlfriend already knew about what had happened, and she had accepted it calmly. Even she was worried about Yunho and Jaejoong, because she knew how much they loved each other.
Jaejoong looked up and looked at himself in the mirror. Red, puffy eyes and a wet face. Great. And they had to leave soon too. Maybe he should just call in sick, saying that he had caught a terrible stomach flu. Yeah, he should do that. He grabbed his phone, and a short phone call later, he was permitted to stay home to rest for the day. When he heard the rest of the four members leave, he finally stepped out from the bathroom and looked around. Nobody there. With a sigh, he walked into the bedroom and lay down on his stomach in the bed, burying his face in the pillow. He almost felt like dying, when he lay there and looked at the empty side of the bed. He felt his eyelids getting heavier by every second that passed, and without even knowing it, he fell asleep.
He woke up when he felt someone lie down in the bed next to him. Somebody warm, and he smelled nice. Opening his eyes, he saw Yunho's back facing him. Without a word, he moved closer and wrapped his arm around him.
Yunho closed his eyes and grabbed Jaejoong's hand hard, entwining their fingers.
He would never, ever let go of him again.
End of chapter 14