Jess loosened her grip on the back of Nick's neck, holding her head just a little further away to put some distance in between them, like that would create some sort of forcefield which would stop any sound from her mouth making its way to his ears. Her whole body had seized up in a way she had never felt before and even Nick felt completely rigid in her arms.
Maybe he hadn't heard, maybe if the universe had taken some small semblance of pity on her then in the midst of heavy breathing, moving bodies and banging on the bar, he hadn't heard. He kept his head buried in her shoulder, his breath thick and fast against her now panic-sweating skin and minutes went by where he didn't move a muscle. The window of opportunity for him to acknowledge what she had said was rapidly closing but still he said nothing.
Jess closed her eyes as a shudder of humiliation passed through her entire body. She had absolutely no idea where it had come from, it had just slipped out, a jumble of words had escaped her mouth and those three just happened to come out in that order. She didn't even know how the word 'love' had sneaked itself in there. The only thing she did know was that she wanted the sticky, grubby floor of the bar to open up and swallow her whole so she wouldn't have to see the look on Nick's face.
Nick finally raised his head and held his face close to hers, so close that her view of him was distorted. She could see his eyes but they were too close to read. Pulling her head back a little she grabbed his face and pushed him further away to get the measure of him, to figure out what he was thinking. But there was no time, he threaded his fingers tightly into her hair and crashed his lips against hers. He kissed her hard. He kissed her because it meant he didn't have to talk. She kissed him back for exactly the same reason, their kisses intense and almost bruising just to shift the focus away from what had just happened.
But as minutes went by with her words still hanging in the air, his silence was becoming more and more deafening and she could feel the prick of tears behind her eyes as he kissed her. Her lips began to tremble against his so she pulled away from him, looking past him to the row of bottles behind which looked like a very inviting world to immerse herself into in that moment. Anything to numb what she was feeling would be welcome. Resting her hand gently on his chest she pushed and felt him finally pull out of her. Jumping off the bar she began to straighten herself out, forcing a small smile to alleviate the tension.
Nick took a step back from her but he made no attempt to move, he just stared at her with his mouth hanging open, hoping that eventually some words would make their way out. Any words at all would have been sufficient in that moment to end the torture of silence. Jess adjusted her bra, fastened up her shirt and purposefully avoided his eyes, the explanation they demanded was too much for her to handle. Suddenly Nick finally seemed to remember where he was and what was happening, like someone had put a new battery in him. He jerked back to life and quickly fastened up his jeans, followed by his shirt which he tucked back in neatly.
Then there they were, aside from a little mussed up hair and slightly flushed cheeks it was like nothing had ever happened.
"I should go." Jess choked, finally daring to look at him.
"Well, um...wait and I'll give you a ride."
Ok, well there it was, she had her answer, he wasn't going to acknowledge it. "No it's ok I'll get a cab." She began to move around the other side of the bar, her feet moving as fast as they could without giving away her desperation to escape. She could see the door edging closer but then so were Nick's footsteps behind her as he followed her outside.
"Jess wait." He picked up a light jog to keep up with her. "Jess wait, why don't you just let me give you a ride."
She turned to him and tried to plaster something resembling a smile on her face but the strain was unbearable. "Nick it's fine really, you have to finish up here and I'm tired so I'm just gonna..." She held out her hand to hail a nearing cab. "I'll be fine. I'll see ya."
He lunged to grab her hand but she was in the cab with the door closed before he had time. He stared through the window, making out only her silhouette as the reflection of the lights from the bar obscured his view of her. As she turned to him all he could make out were the wet whites of her eyes before the car pulled away leaving him standing alone and wondering what the hell had just happened.
When she was at a safe distance Jess glanced back and he was still there, standing in the middle of the road now and watching her drive away. She gritted her teeth and closed her eyes for a second until she was round the corner and out of view. As the buildings and people passed her by she felt herself getting further and further away from him and under the concerned scrutiny of the driver in the rearview mirror her face finally crumbled as sobs shook her body.
One week later...
Jess smoothed her hand over the front of her dress, the material felt silky and expensive underneath her fingers. She moved her hips from side to side eyeing her body up from all angles in the mirror. It was tight around her waist, enough to catch her breath, but it hugged her body in all the right places so she came to the conclusion that breathing was overrated. The vibrant colours of the the dress poured into her eyes but as her gaze moved higher she couldn't help but notice how washed out her face looked. Her makeup was there but it hadn't been applied with the same attention she usually gave it and her her sallow complexion was showing through. A hint of redness still circled her eyes from the tears she had tried so hard not to cry. She brushed a finger under her eyes trying to wipe it away but it was fixed as was the feeling which had caused it in the first place. Of course nobody knew, especially not Nick, she had successfully passed it off as exhaustion from a particularly stressful week at work and so far that had invited no questions. She heard the curtain rustle behind her as Cece entered the changing room.
"Oh Jess you look amazing, it fits you perfectly."
"You think." Jess said trying to sound modest even though she knew the bridesmaid dress fitted her like a glove.
Schmidt and Cece has decided to fuse their respective cultures for the wedding, Cece had been very clear that an out and out Indian wedding brought back too many bad memories from the Shivrang disaster so she wanted something a little more personal to her and Schmidt. Something heavily accented in Jess' dress which had the shape, style and gentle flow of a traditional bridesmaid dress but had the deep purple vibrancy and rich patterns of a sari. It was unexpectedly beautiful but then again, if anyone was going to nail wedding fashion it was Cece.
Cece ran her hands over the dress, playing with the material and tugging at a few areas so it sat perfectly and Jess just let herself be manhandled by her best friend. Jess had spent virtually the whole week with Cece, but with two weeks to go until the wedding Cece had been grateful of the help and support and seemed not to notice Jess' reluctance to return to the loft. Of course Jess would have devoted her time to Cece anyway but she couldn't lie that is was a very convenient disguise.
"I think we found a winner, are you happy with it?" Cece clapped her hands together hopefully.
"Yeah of course but what about your cousins I mean they have to wear it too. Should we call them or..."
Cece waved her hand dismissively. "They'll wear whatever they're told. You're my Maid of Honour I just want to make sure you like it."
Jess grabbed both of Cece's hands to stop them fussing and she smiled. "Cece, I love it."
"Yay." Cece squeaked as she did a little dance back and forth before helping Jess and unzipping the back of her dress. Cece sat back on the small stool in the corner of the dressing room and produced a small note pad from her handbag which had numerous things listed down, some items with little ticks next to them. Jess couldn't help but smile and how much Schmidt had rubbed off on Cece over the years. This was a girl who would forget her own birthday if there wasn't someone there to give her presents and cake. Jess pulled the dress delicately from her shoulders, careful not to cause it any damage and shimmied it down her body, hanging in back on the hanger with care.
"I know someone who will lose it when he sees you in that dress." Cece teased with raised eyebrows.
Jess turned suddenly to Cece "What? Who?...oh." Her voice fell flat when she realised what Cece was talking about and she instantly returned to pulling on her tights in a sulk. "I'm not wearing this for Nick."
"I know but he's gonna get an eyeful that's all I'm saying. How are things between you two anyway, you guys still..." Cece made a gesture with her hands that made Jess wrinkle up her nose in disgust like she had just smelled something really, really bad.
"You don't need to keep checking up on me Cece. Yes we are and things are fine between us. Same old, same old."
That was a lie.
Things weren't fine. Jess had barely seen Nick at all in the last week. She had been making herself frighteningly scare from the loft. By the time she had got home from work he had left for the bar and he was never around first thing in the morning. She feared he was avoiding her just as much as she was him. Not that she could blame him. She had broken their deal and made things weird. She had forced an intensity into their arrangement which had no place being there. Nick had every right to be pissed at her, he had every right to stay out of her way if she was going to start throwing around 'I love yous' all the time.
But she missed him.
She had spent the last week trying to figure out what the hell had possessed her to say what she did and she had been quietly tearing herself up about it. She wanted nothing more than to turn to him for reassurance, for him to tell her that it was ok, that they were ok. She need to feel that safety from him again but she didn't, she hadn't given him the chance to offer it. He'd left her texts and voicemails but she hadn't replied to any of them, she knew that made it all worse but she didn't know what to say to him and when she finally figured it out she was pretty sure she didn't want to say it via text message. He had asked her, almost begged her to talk, putting the ball in her court when all she wanted to do was throw it back. She had said enough. She wasn't about to let herself do anymore damage.
She had seen the look on his face that night at the bar and she had felt him start to slip away from her ever since. Right after they had made love she had seen something change in his eyes, his whole body had stiffened, hardening himself so the words wouldn't get through to him, wouldn't touch him in any real way. It was like he had reverted back to the Nick she had met four years ago who closed himself off when things got too hard. All the work she had put into him over time had evaporated and now she had no idea what she was left with and the thought terrified her.
Zipping up the side of her skirt she hooked her top over her head and used the brief private moment to squeeze her eyes shut and swallow the urge to cry again. Cece couldn't know, nobody could know what was happening between her and Nick, it would only intensify things and make them worse. For now she had to carry on as normal, she had to carry on pretending that her and Nick sleeping together was the best idea in the world when now her and Nick both knew very different.
"Jess there is a reason I'm asking." Cece continued sheepishly, chewing her fingernails.
Jess smoothed out her hair and placed her glasses back on her face before turning back to Cece, dropping her arms heavily by her sides in irritation. "Cece I'm fine, really I am."
"No it's not that, it's...well, you remember Jack from my engagement party...the cute guy from class?"
"The blonde guy with dimples and the nice teeth?"
"Yeah that's him...well he kind of asked for your number." Cece saw Jess stiffen a little but she ploughed ahead. "I said no at the time because you were dating Tom and then there was Henry and now there's the whole Nick thing, but he keeps asking and I just thought since..."
"There's no Nick thing." Jess interjected forcefully immediately backtracking and softening her voice. "I mean, Nick and I aren't a thing. I've told you we're both free to date other people."
"So what should tell him. I mean there's no pressure here at all Jess I just figured it might be a good thing for you. You know, something a little more simple."
Jess took a deep breath and thought about Nick, about where they were in their friendship and how messy it all was, about how irrationally mad at him she was. She chewed her lips for a second and fought the churning in her stomach.
"Tell Jack..." She took another deep breath. "...Tell Jack he can have my number."
Later that night Nick glanced at the clock on the wall of the bar and then fished his phone from his back pocket, looking at the time again just be sure. The bar was empty, it was clean, the cash was all counted to the last cent and put into the books and he had let two of the staff leave before him even when they were due to be on closing duty. So why the hell was he still here? He dropped his hand heavily on the nearest bottle of scotch and dragged it across the bar to the closest glass like the weight of it was just too much for him to deal with. The noise of the liquid hitting the glass was the only sound that filled the bar and wasn't nearly enough to drown out the sound of the thoughts in his head, nothing was. Leaning his elbows on the bar he threw back a mouthful and sucked in sharply as the bitter, burning taste hit the back of his throat. Hanging his head down he closed his eyes and dug his finger tips deep into the back of his neck, making small circles and feeling the ache shoot right down between his shoulder blades.
Jess would be in bed when he got home, the way she had been every night this week and he had made no attempt to sneak into her room and climb under the covers with her, slowly peeling away her pyjamas the way he had been doing for the last few months. Something just didn't feel right about it now, he didn't feel like he belonged there in the same way, or that she even wanted him there anymore. She had been avoiding him for days, he hadn't seen her for more than fifteen minutes the entire week and even then she had been disappearing out of the door to engage in other plans, any other plans that kept her out of the loft. Suddenly leaving for school at seven in the morning with no breakfast, working late, making yet more wedding arrangements with Cece and making dinner plans with friends she hadn't seen in months. Nick hated it, he hated not seeing her everyday but he was still scared of what would happen if he did.
He was afraid of what she would say. He couldn't listen to her say those words to him again, it was too much, he had no idea how to process it. He had tried and everytime he tried to figure out what it all meant his brain went into melt down, he wouldn't let himself get underneath the surface of it, he couldn't. The last time he had heard her say those words to him was moments before his world had coming crashing down around his feet. So many times, hearing her say it would making him feel like he was walking on air, like his life couldn't possibly be so good, but not that day. That day it had been a goodbye. It wasn't often Nick let himself think about it anymore, it still turned his stomach as much as it had in the moment that it happened. Even casting his mind back just a little bit triggered something and it wasn't a trigger he wanted to pull. He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to experience anything like that again for the rest of his life.
He couldn't be sure if she meant it. He had just made her come and humans were prone to saying strange, irrational things in that moment. With all that blood flowing south the brain gets neglected. She wasn't thinking straight. He was sure she didn't mean it. But what if she did?
Nick squeezed his eyes shut and threw back the rest of what was in his glass, groaning at the burn in his chest and pouring himself another one. What if she didn't mean it? What if it really was an accident? Did they just carry on as normal? Did they just continue to sleep together and cling tight a hold to the pretence that it was all just a little bit of fun? For the first time in months Nick realised that Schmidt was right. This thing, however great it had once been, had the power to end very badly and there was no way in hell he was going to let it get that far. Enough was enough, they couldn't hide from each other anymore. He had to talk to Jess.
He growled at every red light on the way home and fought the urge to tail and beep his horn at every single car that slowed him down but as he looked at the clock on the dashboard he knew he had to haul ass if he wanted to catch Jess awake. Eventually he found himself drumming his fingers on the doors of the elevator willing them to open. As he moved closer to the door of the loft he could hear nothing but silence and his heart sank. Throwing his keys on the side table he marched past the empty living room and headed straight for Jess' bedroom. Resting both his hands high on her door frame he stared through an open door to an empty bed and he dropped his head with a sigh.
"She's at Cece's man."
Nick jumped and turned to find Winston in the hallway. He quickly pushed himself away from Jess' door and took a step towards his own room. "Oh, ok whatever I just wanted to ask her something but..." Nick shrugged and smiled casually as he stepped in front of his bedroom door and turned the door handle.
"I know Nick."
Nick turned his mouth down and shook his head in feigned confusion. "What do you ..."
"About you and Jess, sleeping together, I know."
Nick closed his eyes and nodded his head. "Schmidt told you."
"Yeah...but he didn't need to."
"What do you mean?"
"I've known from the start man. You've been distracted for weeks and the only time I've ever seen you look completely switched on is when you've been with her. And Jess...she is just the worst liar in the world, she's worse than you."
As Nick looked at the genuine and slightly disappointed expression on Winston's face he felt a wave of guilt go through him to match the waves of nausea he felt from being at odds with Jess. He was glad Winston knew, in all honesty he hadn't meant to leave his buddy out of the loop all week he had just had other things on his mind. He knew that Schmidt would be chomping at the bit to gossip anyway so Nick figured maybe that could be an early wedding gift.
"So I guess this is the part where you tell me we're being idiots and making the worst mistake in the world."
"I'm not gonna tell you that Nick." Winston offered a weak smiled and patted Nick on the shoulder affectionately as he passed by. "I think you've already figured it out."
The next day was clear and crisp with just that little bite of cool air even though the sun was shining brightly. Nick yawned so hard he thought his jaw might lock, he had been up virtually the entire night waiting for Jess to come home but it never happened. He had texted her and once again she had ignored him. His sympathy was rapidly starting to wane and he was getting annoyed with her and how unfair she was being by cutting him out. His patience was being tested further still as he stood on the sidewalk with Schmidt waiting for a decision to be made.
Schmidt squeezed the small velvet box tight in his hand and stared at Nick with a look of intense concern. What he held in his hand was the integral piece of the entire wedding, he had never held something so important in his hands. Apart from his bride-to-be of course. It wasn't that he didn't trust Nick, he did, he knew his best friend would never do anything to intentionally spoil his special day it's just that Nick had a knack for shirking responsibility, whether he meant to or not. He had got better over the last year, very much so, but stored memories from years gone by still made Schmidt a little nervous. The wedding was two weeks away which was fourteen whole days for Nick to misplace the tiny box in his pig sty of a bedroom and with Schmidt moving out of the loft in less than forty eight hours there was no way for him to carry out his daily checks for reassurance. He stretched his arm out to hand the box over and then he pulled it back. He did that several times as they stood on the street outside the jewellery store until Nick was pushed too far. It had been a long day that was nowhere near over and he'd had enough.
"Just give them to me Schmidt. I'm not gonna lose em.!"
"You know how important these are Nicholas, if you lose them I will be forced to kill you. No, correction, Cece will claw you to death with her bare hands if you lose these rings."
"Just trust me Schmidt. I'm not gonna lose them. God do you really think I'm that careless."
"Yes."
"Well not about this Schmidt." Nick barked, taking exception to Schmidt's hesitation as he snatched the ring box out of Schmidt's hand and shoved it deep into his pocket. "I am taking this seriously you know."
As Schmidt noticed the reverence with which Nick was treating the rings, already standing with his hand protectively over his pocket Schmidt started to feel bad. He had to relinquish a little bit over control over this wedding at some point and he actually wasn't quite sure what he would have done without Nick's help over the last few weeks. Schmidt smiled genuinely and patted Nick on the back with sincere affection, evoking the same reaction from Nick who was quick to forgive.
"Ok what's next on the list." Nick shook his head with feigned exasperation but he couldn't help the smile that curled at his lips.
"Ok." Schmidt clapped his hands ready for the next task of the day. "Cece and Jess are out getting makeup trials or some crap like that..." Nick's heart leapt at the sound of her name but he swallowed it down and let Schmidt continue. "...So I need to go meet with the DJ now and then I'm meeting Cece at five to go get the marriage license so I just need to...oh shoot." Schmidt barked as he rifled around in his bag.
"What?"
"The passports, I left them at Cece's place, we need them to get the marriage license oh she's gonna kill me."
Nick held his hands up in a calming gesture. "Ok relax, why don't you go home and get them and I'll go see the DJ, what do you need me to do?"
"No I can't because then you'll find out what our first dance song is and it's a secret."
"Uh bigger picture here Schmidt."
"Tell you what, why don't you go to Cece's..." Schmidt suggested dangling the keys in front of Nick's face. "...Then I can meet you back here in like an hour. Pleeeeease."
"Ugh fine." Nick's snatched the keys from Schmidt's hand and headed back to his car.
Twenty minutes later Nick rattled the key in the door of Cece's apartment and made his way in, immediately greeted by nothing but boxes stacked up across every part of the floor. It looked barren and smelled strangely dusty, it didn't feel homely at all, it definitely didn't feel like Cece's place anymore. Amongst the beige of cardboard Nick spotted a small pile of colour on the kitchen counter and sure enough there were the passports just where Schmidt had said they would be. He picked them up, taking a moment to look at the back page of Schmidt's and laugh at the photograph. It had been taken soon after Schmidt had lost all of the weight and had absolutely no idea how to style his new body or his hair. He looked like a Backstreet Boy. Nick chuckled one last time and stuffed them into his back pocket suddenly noticing there was a small puff of steam emanating from the kettle. Sitting in front of it was an empty mug with the string of an unused teabag hanging over the side. Nick frowned as he started to put two and two together but he was beaten to the punch with sounds of footsteps coming down the hallway.
"Hey Cece I hope you don't mind but I borrowed your...oh!"
Nick's eyes widened like he had seen a ghost, but given her absence from his life for the past week that was almost true. She looked good a little tired but good, god he had missed her face. But the look she was giving him right now, that he could live without. It wasn't like Jess to run away from things, that was his specialty and he could see that it had taken its toll on her, she wasn't quite as efficient at handling it as he once had been. She looked small, frail almost and he just wanted to put his arms around her but he knew that would push her away further.
"Hi" He choked out.
"Hi...wh...what are you doing here?"
Nick fished the passports from his back pocket. "I needed to get these for Schmidt and Cece, he forget em so..."
"Oh."
"I didn't realise you'd be here, I um..." His heart sank into his stomach as he watched how uncomfortable she was around him. Her eyes used to light up in his presence and now she looked like she wanted to be nowhere near him. "I guess I should have assumed you'd be here though, I mean you've been here all week."
"Yeah well, Cece has a lot going on right now, she needs my help."
Nick squinted in dismay, his eyes imploring her for some understanding. "We have a lot going on right now Jess."
Jess could see the confusion on his face, it was the same look she had seen on his face in the bar last week, it hadn't altered at all and she knew it wouldn't until she talked to him. She wanted to go to him so badly she could almost feel the pull on her body but she stayed with her feet rooted firmly to the floor. She could see him rubbing his fingertips against his palms nervously, his feet taking tiny almost imperceptible steps towards her like he was hoping she wouldn't notice if he suddenly appeared right in front of her. He looked lost and she felt so guilty because of it. It was time to talk to him, she knew the longer she avoided him the worse it was all going to get, the more it would seem like what she had said was true. She steeled herself and squashed down any urge to cry, she painted a weak smile on her face in a bid to lighten the atmosphere and take some of the pressure out of the room. Stepping forward she hit his forearm affectionately, a gesture from friend to friend and gesture that reeked of being platonic but, then again, that was her intention.
"Look Nick I'm sorry for what I said ok. I don't know why I did it. I guess it was the heat of the moment but that's it. It didn't mean anything ok." She smiled trying to look as casual as she could. "I would really appreciate it if we could just forget about it and not make it into a big deal."
Nick stared at her hard, his head nodding along to her words painfully slowly like he was trying harder than usual to process them. "Ok." He finally spoke quietly.
"Ok?" She questioned, half surprised that he had agreed with her so easily.
"Yeah I think maybe you're right, maybe with shouldn't make a big deal out of this, I mean we said we wouldn't right from the start so..."
Jess bit her lips into her mouth and nodded. She hadn't wanted much of a reaction from him but how that she wasn't getting it she could feel herself getting angry. "So are we done here because I have plans...I uh...I have a date."
Nick's head shot up, his glare moving from the floor directly into her eyes, boring almost into her soul. "You have a date?" He screwed his eyes up tight, an angry flush of red starting to move its way up his neck. "With who?"
"A friend of Cece's from school."
"Jess you can't be serious?"
"Why wouldn't I be serious? Nothing has changed Nick. I told you it was a mistake. I don't feel that way about you anymore." Jess could feel her chest burning in pain as the words came out, her stomach turning over and over so much she thought she might throw up.
"Yeah I got that." Nick said measuredly through a sneer, getting more irked by Jess' lack of emotion. "So what's going on here are we...?"
"I don't know, what do you wanna do?" She shrugged nonchalantly, almost to the point of being callous.
Nick looked at her. Whatever he was seeing it wasn't Jess. It wasn't his Jess. He could see her building a wall up with every word that came out of her mouth. It's wasn't the sweet, open Jess he was used to. If this was what he was doing to her then he didn't want it, not like this.
"I think it's best if we take a break from this for a while Jess."
Jess bit her lips into her mouth and nodded her head. "Fine" She chirped.
"Fine?" Nick questioned, staring at her in disbelief.
"Yeah it's fine, this was never serious so...I think it's best if we avoid any confusion you know, just keep things clear."
"Oh you've made yourself perfectly clear Jess." Nick reached for the handle and opened the door, staring at her with hard eyes. "Enjoy your date."
Jess flinched as the door slammed hard in her face. She felt sick. That was it, that was really it, whatever they'd had was just ended and she wasn't even sure which one of them had done it. She leaned back against the door as her legs threatened to give way and suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe as sobs climbed up her throat. She waited until she heard the elevator doors close and then the tears began to fall so hard she thought they might never stop.