It had been a rough night, one of the worst since Alex had first set foot in Mercy General. Unlike other nights, it hadn't been breathing troubles or withdrawal-induced shakes or any other medical issues interrupting the sleep Olivia so desperately needed. Rather, it had been nightmares. Dreams that only ended when Alex begged Olivia to wake, to calm down and take deep breaths. Nightmares that contorted Olivia's drawn expression in to one of terror and awful pain and caused her to claw at her body with bandaged fingertips.
Three times during the night Alex had leaned over her suffering girlfriend and flipped on the light. Three times she had dug her own fingertips in her sides, fighting against the nearly overpowering urge to reach out and comfort the brunette. She knew that neither she nor Olivia could handle the flinching and spikes of fear resulting from even the slightest touch. Instead, she bent to be close to her, schooling her expression to one of a perfect calm she didn't feel, and spoke quietly. Alex only hoped that her words would soothe the brunette and allow her some real rest.
Each time, Olivia eventually stilled and relaxed back onto the pillows. Each time, she looked up at Alex, her eyes sunken and bloodshot but still the same dark brown Alex loved. With the slightest whisper, Olivia asked for Alex to talk to her, to tell her a story, and, each time, Alex complied gladly. She chose among the many things she wanted to tell the woman she loved about their years apart and began to speak, her voice slow and quiet. Soon, Olivia's eyes grew heavy and her breathing steadier. She always slipped off to sleep to the rhythm of Alex's words and the blonde smiled tiredly. She wished the drugs were more effective. She wished that Olivia could make it through the night without trauma. But she was willing to stay with her no matter how many times Olivia woke and needed comfort.
Alex groaned and closed her fingers around her girlfriend's. If Olivia was waking her, she must be late. She turned her head to rest on her other cheek but, as she moved, she groaned again. The muscles of her neck were tight and stiff. Dammit, she thought to herself, you must have fallen asleep on the desk again. Clenching her teeth and squinting her eyes, she sat up and gingerly stretched her neck. Slowly, she forced her eyes open despite the sunlight streaming in through the window. "Morning, Liv," she murmured sleepily, clearing her throat.
She met Olivia's eyes and, memories rushing back and cutting through the haze of sleep, started. Her gaze snapped down to her hand and then back up to the brunette. She instinctively unclenched her fingers, her expression transforming quickly from sleepiness to shame and uncertainty. "I'm sorry, Liv. I don't…"
"Alex," Olivia whispered. "It's okay. I … wanted to." A smile tugged at the corner of her lips though it was feeble, the exhaustion and pain dampening her emotions. Alex sat stunned for a moment, searching Olivia's face, before she too smiled. Slowly, she let her fingers close over Olivia's and her face brightened though she watched the brunette carefully. As her fingers were enclosed within Alex's, Olivia flinched a little but did not pull her hand away.
"Oh, Liv," she said. This was a step, she thought to herself. This was a step forward. She wanted to say something more, something that would express her sorrow and hope and love for the brunette, but, for once, she was speechless. Instead, she tightened her fingers a little and smiled with heartfelt enthusiasm. "How did you sleep, sweetie?"
Olivia only groaned quietly, shifting a fraction and frowning. She moved her hand a little closer to Alex's and buried the other in the soft fringe of the scarf. She was tired and in pain but she wanted this. She wanted so desperately to touch the blonde without jerking away. It had been so long since they had really touched. Olivia wanted to have those feelings of comfort and love again, to erase the terrible memories in Alex's embrace.
Hours later, Olivia was blessedly asleep. Alex hated that the brunette had to rely on drugs for her tiniest moments of peace but she hated the fact that Olivia asked for them even more. Olivia had changed since Alex had last seen her. The detective she remembered would have fought against the doctors, refused the sedation with every inch of herself. She would have torn the IV from her hand and struggled to leave even if there was no way out. Now she asked for the drugs, begged without words for the opportunity to shut her eyes and drift into unconsciousness. Alex wondered when the changes had happened and hoped the old Olivia would come back someday. She was impatient but she would wait. She had already waited two years.
She looked down at the fingers resting slack in her palm. All this time, Olivia hadn't withdrawn from her touch. Alex was grateful and hopeful. She sandwiched Olivia's hand between both of hers and sighed. It was thin but so warm. Olivia was alive and Alex was alive with her.
A soft knock startled Alex from her reverie and she looked over her shoulder. Anita walked into the small room pushing a familiar tray before her. She smiled warmly at the blonde and moved to stand on the opposite side of the bed. She gestured to Alex's hands. "Did she …?"
Alex nodded brightly, happy to have someone to share this momentous step forward with. Anita's expression crinkled with genuine happiness. "That's wonderful, Ms. Cabot." With practiced movements, she folded the blue cloth back from the tray and snapped on a pair of gloves. She glanced at the seated blonde. "Do you want to stay?" she asked carefully.
The smile faded from Alex's face but she nodded again, determinedly. Satisfied and glad that the blonde seemed to be gaining strength, Anita gently pulled the blankets from her patient's body and pushed the gown up to her waist. As she worked, she periodically checked on the seated woman. This was going to be rough; no one deserved to have to see a loved one brutalized in this way.
With extra patience, Anita eased the bandages from Olivia's skin, using scissors to cut them away where they stuck to the wounds. She carefully pulled them away, watching Alex out of the corner of her eye as the blonde took in her first glimpse of her girlfriend's most private wounds. Alex gasped, choking at the horrific sight, and pressed her unconscious girlfriend's hand more tightly between her own. She needed to feel the warmth in her fingers to remind her that Olivia was alive and she would recover in time. She clung to the limp hand to keep from drowning.
"Breathe, Ms. Cabot. Deep breaths, come on." Anita's soft but firm voice brought Alex back from the fear and worry pushing her away and gave her something to concentrate on. She inhaled deeply and steadily, closing her eyes for a moment before reopening them and meeting Anita's concerned look. She nodded and the nurse returned her attention to the prone brunette.
With the professional tenderness one only found in a nurse's hands, Anita dabbed at the scabbing and stitched wounds with a damp cloth. Some of the dried blood had to be cleaned away before she could properly assess the state of the wounds. Alex continued to breathe, her eyes glued to the gruesomely mutilated genitals of the love of her life. Olivia gasped once in her sleep, turning her head restlessly. Alex's hand suddenly shot out and she touched her fingertips to Anita's gloved hand. She looked tensely up at the nurse, her blue eyes wide and serious. "Anita," she said. "Don't hurt her. Please."
Anita nodded gently. She had worked in hospitals for a long time; she understood the worry and nerves Alex struggled to hide just below the surface. "Ms. Cabot, you just need to relax. Ms. Benson is…" Alex interrupted.
"Please," she said. "Call her Olivia. Her name is Olivia." Anita smiled down at the blonde.
"Alright, Olivia it is. Olivia is on painkillers and she's asleep. If she does feel pain, she won't remember. I have to clean the wounds so that they don't become infected. She's already fighting a staph infection and she can't handle any more stress." She paused, watching the worried woman carefully. Slowly, Alex drew her hand away and replaced it on top of Olivia's. Satisfied, Anita continued, working slowly and with extra care. Though she knew it had to be done, she was also loathe to cause the injured woman any unnecessary pain.
With feather light touches, she smeared antibacterial ointment on the wounds. To her gratification, Olivia's expression relaxed and she made no further movements. She covered the wounds with fresh gauze and taped it securely into place. Careful not to disturb the bandages, Anita replaced the gown and pulled the blankets to cover her patient. She snapped her gloves off and dropped them on the tray before crossing the room to the linen closet. She pulled out a fresh blanket and spread it over Olivia's still body. She paused and laid her hand on Alex's shoulder. "I don't want her to get cold." Alex smiled though her face was unusually pale and Anita returned the gesture before wheeling the tray from the room. She chuckled to herself. Alex and Olivia would be fine. Step by step, Anita was sure they would be fine.