Thank you to everyone who has reviewed/favorited/followed this story! I don't write authors notes too often, but I really do want to tell you all how much it means to me. Did you know this story has almost reached a hundred reviews? That's just mind blowing, and I really can't thank you enough for all of your support.
In response to a guest review: No, I don't have an account on either AO3 or Tumblr. I hope to get a tumblr soon, and when I do, I'll make sure to mention it in both my authors notes and my profile. I might also get an AO3 account at some point, but for now, is the only place I post.
Thanks, as always, to Tuuzmorado.
"I thought there were already rumors about that?" Blaine asked after a moment, looking like he still didn't quite get what a big deal this was.
Sam took a deep breath. "There were, but nobody really believed them, you know? I mean, I hadn't even heard about it. I think Brittany had only heard the rumor because she knows all the gossip, ever, but it wasn't a big deal. But they believe them now. It's not just that the rumor exists. It's that everyone actually, really believes it."
Sam could tell the exact moment Blaine understood, because his eyes widened and his face grew worried. Then he shut his eyes, because he really didn't want Blaine to look into his own eyes and see everything that Sam was feeling. At least, not until Sam could figure out a way to start feeling good things.
In the big scheme of things, this shouldn't matter. Sam had planned on coming out sometime next week, to get ready for Regionals and so the glee club wouldn't be as surprised when they started dating. It was only a week early, which wasn't much, really. And the only people who seemed to believe it were the idiot jocks and the kids that Sam had never talked to before, and they didn't matter. And Sam loved Blaine, wanted to be with Blaine, so who cared how people found out about the two of them?
Except Sam hadn't even begun to think about how he was going to come out, because just brainstorming ideas made him feel sick and scared.
Except Sam hadn't gotten to choose to let these people know. They just heard rumors and decided it was the truth, without giving anyone else a say.
Except that this was only the second day, and Sam had already been slushied for it. And something made him feel like this was only the beginning.
"Are you okay?" Blaine asked quietly, running his hands through Sam's hair again, his touch soft and comforting.
Sam took a deep breath and got to his feet, opening his eyes as he did so. "Why don't you let me wash out your hair now, so we can get to class soon?"
The way Sam avoided the question only seemed to make Blaine look more nervous, but he didn't say a word as he got to his knees and stuck his head under the water. Sam squeezed a bunch of shampoo onto his hand and started washing out Blaine's hair as quickly as he could, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to get this over with or draw it out. The sooner he got away from Blaine, the sooner he could start trying to work out what the heck was going on in his head without having to worry about hurting Blaine's feelings. But when they were cleaned up, Sam would also have to go back to class, which was the exact last place he wanted to be. Especially since he shared a few classes with Lipoff.
"Sam, I get that this is a big deal," Blaine said as Sam started up with the conditioner. "I've been here, okay? Someone at my old school outed me freshman year. It sucks. Of course you're upset about it."
Sam didn't say anything, just finished rinsing out Blaine's hair and turned off the water. Blaine stood and grabbed a handful of paper towels to dry it with.
"Sam, we promised we were going to be honest with each other," he said quietly. "You can say it. Tell me that you're upset about the rumors."
"I..." Sam took a deep breath. "I just didn't get a chance to say it the way I wanted to. It's like, I was going to come out on my own, but they took that from me."
"I know," Blaine said, the corner of his lips turning up in a comforting smile, though he didn't look happy at all. "This is pretty much the worse way to come out, and the worse way to find out about the rumors." Blaine gestured to their stained clothes to show what he meant. "But it happened, and now we've got to figure out what to do."
Sam frowned. He hadn't even begun to think about how to respond to this. Except that he wanted to just run away from school and work at the pizza place for the rest of his life so that he'd never have to come back, but that wasn't really an option. "I don't know," he admitted.
"Well," Blaine said, taking a deep breath, "we could try to make them think that it's not true. If we didn't spend as much time together, the rumors would probably die out pretty fast..."
"What?" Sam asked, his mouth opened to protest, but then he stopped. Blaine had a point. Staying away from each other would be the smartest way to stop the rumors, and it wouldn't have to be for long, just for a little bit. He bet they could make the rumors die off by the end of the week, if they really ignored each other. Then things would go back to normal.
"...No," Sam said. Blaine would hate doing that, and anyway, Sam didn't want to act like he was ashamed, or like he was letting the bullies win. He felt bad for even thinking about it, like he was ashamed of Blaine. That wasn't true, was it? Sam knew that Blaine was the best guy in school, and Sam would never want to pretend they weren't together, right?
He should know the answers to those questions off the top of his head. The fact that he didn't was worrying.
"Let's just not do anything," Sam said. "Act normal, and see what happens. Just don't, you know, confirm it or anything. Not that you would, because we're not dating. But don't say anything that makes them think that we are or lets them know that we will be, soon. We're just bros, okay?" He winced at how that sounded. "Not that I don't want them to know that I love you..." He stopped there, because, well, Sam didn't want the school to know. Saying otherwise would just make him a liar.
Blaine stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sam. Normally, his hugs had some magical power that always made Sam feel better, no matter what was wrong. Now, though, it didn't work. "You were going to come out on your own time, and they didn't let you," Blaine said quietly. "So you want to decide for yourself when we're going to confirm it. Of course you can do that. Take however long you need."
Sam should be glad that Blaine was so understanding, and amazed at how he had possibly ended up with a guy as great as him. But instead, all he could do was cringe, because it felt like such a lie.
Sam hadn't known if he was going to come out or not. That was what killed him. Sure, he'd figured that he could. He'd have to, if he wanted to really be with Blaine. So he'd tried to imagine big, dramatic gestures. Declarations of love in front of everyone. Kisses in the hallways, or a public serenade, since he figured Blaine would like something like that. But even as he pictured himself doing these things, he knew that they'd never happen. He was too much of a coward to come out like that. When he did do it, it was going to be smaller. Maybe just casually dropping it into a conversation - "The actor who played the lead was super hot. Oh yeah, I'm bi, that's why I noticed." Or he could just say it straight out, maybe to Artie, since he was the guy that Sam knew best. Or Ryder, because he was cool. Two words. "I'm bi." Simple, except not really.
It shouldn't have been a big deal. He'd seen the way that the club accpeted Blaine, and Brittany, and Kurt, Santana, and Unique. Sam wouldn't be any different, he knew that. But that didn't change a thing. If it was anyone else, he wouldn't be able to understand why they would be so scared to share this. But this was his own sexuality, his own coming out, his own personal business, and it felt way too personal to share with the world even if he knew that he had to if he wanted to date Blaine.
Every time Sam had tried to picture coming out in one of those simple ways, it was like his brain seized up and wouldn't go any further. It felt too real. These were ways that he could actually come out in real life, and he couldn't picture it. Dramatic gestures that he'd never actually go through with? Yeah, he could imagine that. But anything that he might actually do was too scary to think about.
Which was what bothered him so much. He could barely even think about coming out, and now everyone knew - and more than that, they were attacking him because of it. But more than that, Blaine had acted like there was no question over whether Sam would come out or not. Sam wasn't so sure if he would have been able to. He liked to think that he would have, but now he'd never know.
For some reason, that was the part that hurt the most.
"You know," Blaine suddenly said as he pulled back, a smile playing on his lips, "I think that was the first time you ever said that you love me."
Sam froze. Of course he loved Blaine, and he knew it, but he'd been planning on saving the words for a special time. Like maybe Regionals, or even after that. No sense rushing into things, because as much as he wanted to, that hadn't really worked for him the past few times. "I didn't even realize I said it," he said quietly.
"I think it's romantic," Blaine said. "Having it just slip out without you even noticing it."
That was one way to look at it. But Sam still wished that he could have prepared something better, instead of it just coming out. At the very least, he would've liked to know what he was saying as he said it, not just realize it in hindsight.
"I think you should wait to say it back," Sam said, before Blaine got the chance to speak again. "Make something special of the first time you say it."
"This was special," Blaine said, then nodded. "If you want. I guess you'll just have to see what happens when I try to be romantic. It's going to knock your socks off."
"Looking forward to it, dude," Sam said with a grin that felt genuine for a moment, before he remembered the jocks and coming out and that he still needed to figure out what the heck he was going to do. "Should we get back to class?"
"I just need to gel my hair first," Blaine said, reaching for his bag and digging around inside it. After a moment, he froze.
"What's wrong?" Sam said, rushing forward. Blaine looked so panicked that for a moment Sam worried that the bullies had left something in his bag. Like that scene in The Godfather when they left a horse's head in the bed, except hopefully not as gross.
"I forgot to replace my gel," Blaine whispered. "I used up the last of it yesterday, and I never put some new stuff in my bag."
Sam relaxed. "That all?"
Blaine turned to glare at him. "There is no way I can leave the bathroom looking like this!" he said, pointing toward his head. Admittedly, Blaine's hair was crazier than Sam had ever seen it before, which was saying something. It still didn't look like it was worth the panicked look on Blaine's face, but it wouldn't be worth it to point that out, so Sam just said, "You have extra in your gym locker, right? Want me to go grab it for you?"
Blaine sent him a grateful look. "Would you?"
"Of course." Sam headed for the door, giving Blaine a little wave as he walked off. "Be back in a few minutes."
There was a class in session right then, so the locker room should have been deserted. Sam walked in and headed straight for Blaine's locker, entering the combination from memory. This wasn't the first time one of them had had to borrow something from each other's locker, and by now, Sam knew all of Blaine's combinations as well as his own.
"Well, isn't this sweet? Getting something for your boyfriend?"
Sam stiffened and turned slowly. "What are you doing here, Lipoff?"
Lipoff smirked. "I should be asking you that, considering I have gym this period and you don't. What, does your boyfriend need a change of clothes for some reason? What happened to his other pair? I hope nothing got spilled on them."
"Screw off," Sam snapped, which wasn't the kind of thing he usually said, but he was too angry to deal with this right now. Not to mention that he had to get away before Lipoff could say "boyfriend" one more time. Sam didn't want to hear it. He reached back and grabbed Blaine's extra gel, then made sure to lock the locker again before turning away. The last thing they needed was Lipoff getting his hands on Blaine's stuff.
"Oh, gotta help the fag fix his hair? That's so nice of you." Sam could hear the sneer in Lipoff's voice, but didn't turn around to look.
The gel was suddenly ripped from Sam's hand. "Hey, this is nice stuff. Think I might keep it."
Sam spun around and glared at Lipoff. "Will you just give that back and leave me alone?"
"Uh, I don't think so. Sorry if I don't take orders from a fag like you." Lipoff laughed, and Sam couldn't help but flinch. Out of every word in every single language, that had to be the worst one to ever be invented. And having it thrown at him hurt a lot more than he'd thought it would. "Oh, was that a sore spot? Maybe you prefer the term fairy, huh? That one suits you better?"
"I'm not gay," Sam said through gritted teeth. Something about arguing that felt wrong, like he was saying there was something wrong with being gay by arguing that. Which there wasn't, obviously.
"Really?" Lipoff raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "Because I'm guessing your boyfriend would say otherwise."
"Blaine isn't my boyfriend," Sam said. True, but again, it felt wrong to deny it like that. But the words just came out, without him having any idea he was going to say it. Just like earlier when he'd told Blaine that he loved him.
"Good," Lipoff said. "Because this, what we did? This was just a warning. You don't even want to see what we'll do if you two actually turn into fuck buddies." He shoved the gel back into Sam's hands. Sam was so surprised that he let it fall right through his hands and hit the ground. Lipoff snorted, which made Sam glare at him even harder. His parents had always taught him that God wanted them to love everyone, and that he shouldn't hold grudges, no matter how badly someone hurt him. But right then, he had never hated anyone as badly as he hated Lipoff. Not even Karofsky.
"Oh, and by the way," Lipoff added as he started to leave. "Even if you do turn into a fag, make sure to shack up with someone different, you got that? Because we all know that he got dumped because he couldn't keep it in his pants. I'm pretty sure he thinks STDs are Pokemon; gotta catch them all, right?"
That was when Sam tackled him.
Last time Sam had gotten into a serious fight, it had been against Karofsky, and it had been over pretty much before it started. This was different. He and Lipoff were closer to the same height, for one. He also wasn't as strong as Karofsky, meaning Sam actually stood a chance.
Lipoff crashed back into the rows of lockers, stumbling. Sam moved forward to shove him again, but Lipoff rushed him before he could. Sam wasn't even sure he knew what was happening, but his back connected with the lockers hard enough that he felt it through his whole body. Lipoff smacked his across the face, hard enough to make blood shoot from his nose. Sam started throwing punches back, and still didn't exactly know what was happening - it was too fast - but he felt his fist smash into something and heard Lipoff cry out, so he knew he must have connected.
"That's enough!" Hands clamped around Lipoff's shoulders a second before he could launch himself at Sam for a second hit, and Sam blinked up, realizing that Beiste was looming over them. "Both of you, my office, now," she said, giving Lipoff a shove toward the door. She glanced back at Sam and said, "I'll get you some tissues to mop up the blood, but then I want to know what the heck is going on with you two."