Chapter 14:Fontaines in the house!
All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodic manner.
Todays rant is about games with crappy mechanics. First off, Star Wars Force Unleashed. While this game is almost a non stop ride of fun, it can be frustrating due to it's mechanics. The massive flaw is it's targeting system. The player must be facing a certain object to target it, not the camera. Many times, I've tried to throw an object at someone else and I often threw something else. While the game has a lock on button, you have to hold it down for it to work. Just forget about the rest, lets get on to the next chapter.
The guys wandered into the massive foyer of Ryan's office. There was a big pillar in the center that had control panels and TVs on it.
"HahHAhahahah! This book is hilarious!" Roach said, reading Echo Fright.
"Shut up! You've told us that 15 times!" Jack hissed.
Jack nabbed an Audio diary off the desk to the left.
"Suchong invent new gadget today! To replace aging checkpoint system, Suchong invent Vita chamber! This chamber randomly captures DNA of passer bys and stores it. It then monitors the passer bys life line and when that life line drops, it creates a complete clone of the passer by, equipped with anything they had when they died. Unfortunately, the items are very expensive to recreate, so I dropped the restore ammo feature to save money. The machine also only works on sane people and retarded psycho people." It said.
"I am the heart of Rapture! Without me, Rapture could not function! If I die, then this city will die too!" Ryan yelled over the radio.
Suddenly, the words "Warning! Meltdown immanent!" appeared on the TV screens and the whole facility shook.
"Damn it! He's triggered the meltdown! Boyo! Get in there and stop him!" Atlas said over the radio.
Jack ran up to this locked door.
"Another stuck door. Fuck." Jack said.
"Perhaps it seals automatically to protect people from the meltdown." Renko suggested.
"How?" Alcatraz asked.
"I have no fucking idea. I do know that if we don't stop the meltdown, we're gonna be in hot water." Renko said.
Darius beat on a drum and cymbals.
"There has to be another way in. Maybe theres a weak point in the wall." Jack said.
"Thats my kind of talking!" Darius said.
Darius kicked the drums over and pulled out his hammer. He started wildly slamming the wall with his hammer. Jack glanced to the side and saw an airvent near the door.
"This Leon 13 guy is a funny writer!" Roach said.
"Come to think of it, did these doors seal automatically or did that weird perv guy just lock them? That doesn't seem very safe in the event of an emergency." Renko said.
Jack kicked in the grate of the vent.
"Quick mice, in the hole." He said.
Roach, Renko, and Alcatraz followed him in, while Darius continued to pound on the wall.
"Don't pressure me! I'm doing the best I can!" He said. "Guys?"
The four men crawled through the vent sluggishly.
"Why the hell do they make these vents big enough for a man to crawl through? That's a huge security risk." Renko said.
"I wonder if any of these vents overlook dressing rooms?" Roach wondered.
"I hope so, who wouldn't want to watch a hideous mutated woman undress herself?" Jack said sarcastically.
"I think I found a pack of gum." Renko said before he bumped into Roach.
"I'm wedged into the vent like the time I was in Vietnam and I-" Roach started.
"I get it! I'm stuck too." Jack said.
"Hey Al, can you push us forward?" Renko asked.
Alcatraz pushed forward on Renko and the bottom of the vent collapsed and the men plummeted onto the floor below.
"I said a push! Not break the entire vent system!" Renko said.
"Leave him alone! I made the same mistake when I was in Hong Kong and-" Roach said before Darius fell on him.
"Hey guys, there was already a hole in the wall!" He said.
"What the hell is all this shit?" Jack asked.
The room they landed in had hundreds of papers and photos taped to the wall. The words "Would you kindly" were written on the wall in blood.
"This must be the hideout of a serial killer!" Roach said.
"That strange pervert guy doesn't seem like a serial killer." Renko said.
"Hey, this is a picture of me! And heres that weird German woman, and Atlas, and that Stripper, and some weird gangster." Jack said.
"Stalkers for sure." Alcatraz said.
Jack picked up one of the audio diaries from the table.
"Hello little boy. Do you love your puppy? Yes Suchong, he is my closest friend. I got him from a pound on the surface. I guess that explains his scarf and diaper. Now kill him! What! No! He's like a son to me! Would you kindly strangle the pound puppy? (squealing, thump) Yes, good. Now put him in the pile with all your other dead animals." It said.
"What the fuck was that?" Jack wondered.
Jack picked up another audio diary.
"The baby is maturing better than we expected. Mind control implants are in place. All you must do is say the code phrase and the little bastard will do whatever you say. Fontaine has special plans for it. It will be the key to Ryan's downfall." It said.
"Are you on a tea break or something boyo? Would you kindly get to Ryan's office already?" Atlas said.
"Would you kindly? Those are the same words written on the wall." Jack pointed out.
"Boyo, in 10 minutes, this whole city is just going to be a molten piece of metal unless you stop the bloody meltdown. Get a move on!" Atlas yelled.
"Okay okay." Jack said.
The guys left the room and entered the area outside of Ryan's office. There was a big statue to the left.
"You guys just wait somewhere. I'll handle this Hitler knockoff." Jack said.
"Okay, we'll just go through some of these documents." Renko said.
"Screw that, I want to masturbate to some of those pictures!" Darius said.
"Hey, get in line buddy!" Alcatraz said.
"Anyone want to play charades?" Roach asked.
"NO!" The others yelled.
The guys went back into the room with all the pictures. Jack strolled into the middle of the room he was in. He approached a big sheet of glass that looked into Ryan's office. Suddenly, a light turned on, Revealing Andrew Ryan, in the flesh, behind the glass. He was in a brown suit and was playing that stupid indoor miniature golf thing they have for offices.
"Hello sir. Would you care for a game of golf?" Ryan asked.
"What are you? A fagg?" Jack asked.
Ryan hit a ball with his putter and it missed the cup.
"Damn it. I suppose your here to kill me? That won't be as easy as it looks." Ryan said.
"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Hit me with that putter?" Jack asked.
"Come over to the side and I will show you." Ryan said.
"Gladly." Jack said.
Jack whipped out his shotgun and went over to the doorway next to the sheet of glass. Ryan was standing there.
"Let's see if they ban this game in Germany for Killing a Hitler-look-alike!" Jack said.
"Before you do, allow me to explain something, in song!" Ryan said.
Suddenly, Ryan was dress in a cheap white tank top with blue sweat pants, white socks, and a red beanie holding a microphone.
"What the fuck?" Jack wondered.
A cardboard background of the strip club lowered in the background. Then, Ryan started singing.
Once upon a time, at my favorite place to be mean
There was a hot sexy chick known as Jasmine Jolene.
A cardboard cutout of a stripper dropped down.
The bitch owed me money so in order to pay
I put my pitch fork in her stack of hay!
Ryan then humped it.
"Ewww." Jack said.
Then her Va JJ shot out a kid
And she threw it in a dumpster like a skid.
Then a gangster named Fontaine dug it out
He took it to his crib and named it stout.
"That doesn't even make sense." Jack said.
He taught the little brat how to make others bled
Than he had a Chinese guy tear open his head.
He put a bunch of science shit on his brain
Then he sewed it back up without a sprain.
Then he shot the kid up to the surface
Making him think he had a family for his service.
Then 20 years later a war broke out
So Fontaine decided to call his stout.
Then stout got on a plane
And he crashed it into the ocean, regardless of the pain.
He went down to Rapture and met man
Who sounded like a guy talking through a fan.
Whenever the man asked would you kindly
The stout who carry it out very blindly.
The stout slaughtered hundreds of the freaks
Then he bashed down my door with a mean streak.
And here he is standing right in front of me
While I sing this retarded melody!
"Everybody say HOOOOOOOOO!" Ryan said.
"What the fuck was all that about?" Jack asked.
"For fuck's sake! Remember your life?" Ryan asked.
"yeah, I grew up on a farm in the country with Auntie Em and Uncle Henry." Jack said.
"Are you sure? Not a life that involved tests, syringes and violence?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure." Jack said.
"Well your wrong. You were born here in Rapture. That farm shit is just something Fontaine programed you to see. When he shot you to the surface, all you did was sit in a quiet alleyway until he called you. Then he made you crash the plane into the ocean right next to the lighthouse. Any thing spark a memory?" Ryan asked.
"Nope." Jack said.
Ryan put his palm in his face.
"And theres more. He can also control your mind. And so can I." Ryan said.
"Try taking control of a face full of buckshot!" Jack said, aiming his shotgun at Ryan's face.
"Would you kindly not shoot me?" Ryan asked.
Jack unwillingly lowered his shotgun.
"What the hell?" he wondered.
"Would you kindly turn around?" Ryan asked.
Jack spun around.
"Would you kindly run?" Ryan asked.
Jack's legs looked like they were functioning independently from the rest of his body when they ran forward.
"Holy shit." Jack said.
"Stop, would you kindly." Ryan said.
Jack stopped and turned around again.
"I'm gonna rip that mustache off and shove it up your ass!" Jack threatened.
"Would you kindly impersonate Al Gore?" Ryan asked.
"As you can see, our ecosystem has gone to hell." Jack said pointing at a declining chart.
"Would you kindly drink an entire bottle of Coke in under 3 seconds?" Ryan asked, leaning on his putter.
Jack tore the cap off a coke bottle and held it over his mouth and sucked it all out.
"Would you kindly find me a new wife?" Ryan asked.
Jack pulled out a ring and offered it to Ryan.
"With this Ring..." Jack said.
"Would you kindly stop! Let's see...Would you kindly...Break dance?" Ryan asked.
Jack sat on the floor and spun around before coming to a rest.
"Hahahahahah. All I have to say is Would you kindly. Ah Kills me to-" Ryan said.
Jack thought Ryan said "would you kindly kill me?". He snatched the putter out of his hand and swung it across his face, making his cheek bleed.
"Oh shit, would you (smack) Would you (smack) would you (smack)" Ryan tried to say as Jack kept bitch slapping him with the putter.
Ryan soon completely lost the ability to speak. He fell to his knees on the ground. Jack slammed the putter hard down on his head. He broke the head on the putter off and en lodged it in Ryan's eye. Then, he took the shaft of the putter and stabbed it in his other eye. Ryan's corpse fell over.
"Hah! Try making stupid speeches now you crap hound!" Jack taunted.
Jack suddenly remembered the words Ryan kept saying. He recalled that Atlas used them a lot as well.
"Would you kindly find a crowbar or something?"
"Would you kindly start the machine?"
"Would you kindly grab me some mentos while your there?"
"Would you kindly open the damn door?"
"Would you kindly stop making Irish stereotypes?"
"Would you kindly stop the meltdown?"
"I don't remember that last one." Jack thought.
"Boyo! Would you kindly stop the bloody meltdown!" Atlas yelled.
"Oh, sorry, thought that was still in the flashback." Jack said.
Jack reached in Ryan's pocket and grabbed a shiny gold keycard. He went into Ryan's office and saw 50 bucks sticking out of his desk, which he snatched. He went into the room behind the office and saw a big machine with a card slot and a tv screen. Jack slid the card into the slot and the rumbling slowly ceased. Just then, the TV screen turned from Ryan industries to Fontaine Futuristics.
"Well done, boyo. Hahahahahah!" Atlas said in an almost completely different voice.
"Good, you finally took some English courses." Jack said.
"I was never an Irishman kid! I was just playing one!" Atlas said.
"But then why didn't you just talk like this before? It's a lot easier to understand." Jack asked.
"Cause I was playing you kid! There is no Atlas! Just me! Frank Fontaine!" Atlas/Fontaine said.
"Where did I hear that name before?" Jack asked.
"I'm the one who raised you and sent you to the surface. I'm also the one who brought you back." Fontaine said.
"Why didn't you just keep me here in the first place?" Jack asked.
"I don't have to answer any more of your questions. Thanks to you, I'm the king of Atlantis. You've been a good sport kid, but it's time for you to bite the bullet. See ya in the afterlife kid." Fontaine said.
"Come on guys, just a quick game." Roach asked.
"For the last time no!" Renko said.
Jack turned around and saw his team.
"Your tore that fascist bastard up man!" Alcatraz said.
Just then, most of the lights went out.
"Well...This is a pickle." Darius said.
"Hey! Over here!" A little girl voice said.
Jack was able to make out a little sister in the darkness.
"Follow Me!" She said.
"Awesome! Now I can afford that Electro Bolt 3 plasmid!" Jack said.
The little sister became terrified by this comment and ran off. Jack and the boys took off after her. Roach, however, ran right into a pillar. Some security bots showed up and started shooting at the boys.
"You guys go on ahead. I'll take care of these radioshack things." Alcatraz said.
Alcatraz picked up Ryan's corpse by the legs and swung it at one of the security bots, sending it flying through an oddly placed basketball hoop. The little sister crawled into another vent on the wall. Jack and Renko and Darius followed.
"Damn it, I can't see a fucking thing." Jack said.
"Well they probably didn't have enough money in the budget to add lights in the uUUUUHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH!" Renko squealed as the floor of the vent collapsed and they plummeted into the darkness.
"Hey hey! Wait for me!" Roach squealed as he ran through the dark room.
As Alcatraz snapped a security bot in 2, Roach felt the wall for the vent. When he finally located it, he got on his knees and crawled in and also plummeted into the darkness. So is this the end of the damn parody? Unfortunately no, so make sure you SLACKERS actually be on watch for the next chapter!
To be continued...