First of all, I need to apologize for the delay- life gets hectic sometimes! I'm sorry, everyone!
But what I really wanted to say was that I was absolutely floored by the feedback that I received from my last update. Wow, I read so many passionate, heartfelt reviews that all nearly moved me to tears! Many of you thanked me for the way I've been portraying the issues in this story, and shared your own stories of strength- and that just absolutely overwhelmed me with admiration toward all of you. To know that I'm connecting with others through the words written from my heart is so incredibly inspiring, and I honestly couldn't ask for more. I am so grateful.
I feel so blessed to have such an incredible support system of reviewers, and you all have truly, genuinely touched my heart. Thank you all so much!
People often do things that are very surprising to others. Whether it is a shocking action or an unexpected sentence, we can always count on being shocked and surprised by the things people do and say.
The biggest shock, however, is when it is coming from the one person we thought we knew best.
It's part of the excitement of life, whether it be taken as a blessing or a curse. Some may see it as interesting, intriguing, to have new insight about someone so close to them. Others, however, may become uneasy, uncomfortable, put off by the fact that someone they thought they knew everything about could surprise them in such a way.
Haley James-Scott had known Lucas Scott for most of her life. As childhood friends, they had shared everything from secrets to popsicles, before growing up into a pair of perceptive and introverted adolescents, who had been thrown into the unfamiliar world of popularity and fame. Their hearts had broken, their hearts had loved, and their dreams had been shattered, come true or changed completely. And suddenly, they were adults, with spouses, jobs and children. Everything always seemed to change. The only constant in her entire life was that Lucas Scott had always, and would always be her best friend.
"Lucas?" Haley whispered, stepping into the dark office. She looked around, wrinkling her nose in distaste; the room smelled of a bad combination of dirty laundry and alcohol. Lucas was seated on the futon couch to the left of his desk, a glass of dark liquor in his hand.
"Luke?" She asked again, seating herself next to him. The futon gave a squeak as she sank into the cushion. "Lindsey called me. She's worried about you."
Lucas didn't reply, but drained the rest of his glass. Haley frowned slightly, concern filling her large expressive eyes. She had never seen him like this- his hair disheveled, wearing a wrinkled t-shirt and flannel pajama pants, and looking absolutely, utterly broken.
"Lucas, I understand that you're confused, and hurt, and all of this is making you relive Peyton's death all over again, but please talk to me." She said gently, leaning closer to him.
Lucas said nothing, but leaned down, reaching a hand under the futon, and retrieving a bottle of whiskey. Haley's brow furrowed as he refilled his glass, and held the bottle out to her, wordlessly offering her a drink.
"Okay, that's it." Haley stood up, snatching both the glass and bottle out of Lucas's hands, setting them on the desk, out of his reach.
"Haley, what the hell?!" Lucas cried, scratchily, as though he hadn't used his voice in years.
"Luke, this isn't you, barricading yourself in here, drinking whiskey!" Haley's stern voice was rising slightly, "You're smart and strong and you're better than this! You know how to deal with your problems, and you know what? That's what you're going to do right now. We're going to deal with this."
Lucas looked at his lap. "I can't."
"Yes you can!" Haley said, "Yes you can, Lucas! And yeah, it's going to be hard. It's going to hurt, but you have to be strong and deal with that! It's time to make things better! You owe that to yourself!"
"You don't get it, Hales!" Lucas cried, meeting Haley's tone. "You don't understand!"
"Then please help me understand, Luke," Haley said, sitting down next to him again, "help me understand so we can fix this."
Lucas lowered his head again, closing his eyes, and taking deep breaths. He ran his hands roughly over his face, as Haley rested a hand on his shoulder.
"Luke," she said softly. "It's going to be okay."
"Everything that I believed," Lucas breathed, his voice strained, "everything that happened…it all could have been different. If I could have gone to her…if I had known about this…she wouldn't have died."
"Lucas Scott, this is not your fault." Haley said, wrapping her arms around her best friend, "Peyton died because she was so bad that nobody could help her, not even her closest family members. Peyton didn't want to be helped, and that wasn't anybody's fault. You did not cause this."
"I could have saved her," Lucas's voice broke. "I always saved her."
"You can't think like that, Lucas. You can't dwell about what could have been, because then you're never going to get past it. Let's try and heal by focusing on what's here and now." Haley's eyes glistened with emotion, "Let's focus on what we're going to do about Elle. Your daughter. And I'm going to be there with you through all of this. Everything's going to be okay."
Lucas was silent for a few moments, collecting himself. Haley tried not to notice when he quickly wiped his eyes, before standing up.
Haley had always known Lucas Scott to be a strong, level-headed man. Yes, sometimes difficult things would get him down, but Lucas was usually smart, perceptive and sympathetic. With a little support and reassurance, Lucas always seemed to get past everything with his head held high. Lucas was known for that.
That's why her heart sank as she watched him walk over to his desk, reaching for the whiskey bottle. He unscrewed the cap before taking an enormous swig, and it was then that Haley realized that Lucas Scott may not be as level headed as she had thought.
"Peyton died." He said harshly, sounding more broken than ever, "That chapter ended. I don't know if I'm ready to relive all of that again."
It had been one day, twenty two hours, and roughly forty-five minutes since Matt had kissed her on the rivercourt.
Not that she was counting.
But it was a rather pleasant thing to focus on, instead of thinking about things like why her father still had not gotten in contact with her, or why her mother had killed herself, or how her argument with Grandpa Larry had caused him to die of a heart attack.
Yes, thinking about kissing Matt was so much more pleasant.
They hadn't really discussed anything relationship-wise yet. Elle didn't know what they were, exactly. They weren't an official couple, but they really weren't friends-with-benefits, either. Maybe they were still just friends. Elle didn't know, but Matt had told her that he wanted to take her out on an official 'date' tonight, so maybe it was too soon to be confused about this.
As she stood in the shower, Elle let her mind wander. She was acting like an over-excited, boy-crazy thirteen year old. She spent far too long deciding what she was going to wear, how she would do her hair, her makeup…and it was all so silly. This was Matt, who had seen her fresh out of bed, wearing no makeup and ratty pajamas; Matt who had heard her bawling her heart out and didn't judge her for it in the least. Why should she be worrying about this? It wasn't going to be awkward, she was just making it seem that way, because she was worrying about pointless things.
She liked Matt. She really liked him, and it was a little bit strange for her to be feeling this way. She really hadn't ever had these kinds of feelings for anyone before, and Elle didn't know if that was just because she hadn't ever had a friend like Matt before- if her affection for him was so strong just because she was so grateful for their friendship-, or if she was really, truly emotionally attracted to him.
But if he had wanted to take her out on a date tonight, then he must be feeling the same way, right?
Elle took a deep breath as the hot water ran down her body, warming her to the very core. After shampooing her hair and shaving her legs, Elle turned the water off, pulled the curtain back and swore quietly when she realized that she forgot to grab a towel.
She gingerly stepped onto the cold tile floor, and began tiptoeing across the large bathroom, to the linen closet next to the toilet, leaving a trail of water in her wake.
She was halfway to her destination when the door suddenly swung open. Elle's eyes widened in horror as Matt bounded into the bathroom, stopping abruptly in his tracks at the sight before him.
They both stood there for a moment, frozen in shock, before Elle hastily tried to cover herself with her hands.
"Matt!" she screeched, horrified, "Get out!"
Matt jumped at the sound of her voice, looking just as flustered and embarrassed as Elle felt.
"I…oh…uh…," He stammered, not taking his eyes off of her body. What the hell was he doing? Why hadn't he knocked? Why hadn't she remembered to lock the door?!
"Matt, come on!" Elle practically pleaded, "Get the hell out!"
"I'm sorry. Shit." he blinked, shaking his head, immediately turning around "Shit. Sorry."
She cringed as he quickly exited the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
"Sorry, Elle," he called from hallway.
"Yeah, it's fine!" she replied, humiliated, her voice higher than normal. She reached into the closet, grabbing a large, fluffy towel, and hastily wrapped it around herself, as though someone was still staring at her.
Matt Baker had just seen her naked. So much for not being awkward.
Then
"You ever kissed a boy, Little Elle?"
They were all seated in Moe's living room, a typical Saturday night get-together with Moe's familiar crowd. There was Moe, Her sort-of-more-benefits-than-boyfriend Ray, Ray's stoner-ish band mates- Danny, Ziggy, Hoagie and Ryan, Moe's band-groupie friends- Trish, Shanna and Margo. Then there were people Elle recognized from school-, Moe's senior friends, including Joshua Dixon, who had gotten suspended for urinating his name on the north side exterior wall; Faye Glennings, who had apparently gotten pregnant at fifteen and had a three year old kid sitting at home with her father; Vince Victrofsky, Caden Edgar, Holden Caufman, and Ian Shepard, to name a few more.
They all knew her, and were friendly enough, but at fourteen, Elle was by far the youngest of the group- something none of them let her forget. They weren't ever nasty to her, but their constant belittlements and embarrassing pet names made it very difficult for Elle to ever feel truly comfortable around these people.
Margo, with her bleached blonde hair and dark eye makeup, was looking at her, waiting for Elle to answer her question.
"Of course." Elle scoffed.
It was true. Well, half true. She had kissed a boy before…but not in a serious like make-out kind of way. James Tucker, in seventh grade, had kissed her by the bike racks after cheerleading practice. It was more a quick peck on lips than anything else, but Elle still considered that to be her first kiss.
But now, as Elle continued to spend more and more time with Moe and her older friends, that little kiss by the bike racks seemed like nothing compared to the kinds of things she had seen and heard these people talk about, things that she could barely imagine herself doing.
Her answer was met with "aww's" and "woo's" from various people in the room, and Elle knew that they were playfully mocking her. Her ears flushed slightly as she took a sip of the beer in her hand.
"Are you a virgin, Baby-bell?" Trish asked, her straight black bangs were so long that they shielded her eyes. "You had your little cherry popped yet?"
Elle took another sip of beer to distract herself from the fact that her face had just turned very, very red.
"Aw, she's blushing." Someone said.
"Did ya ever do it, kiddo?" Hoagie, or Ziggy (the nicknames always threw her off), one of them, asked.
Elle looked helplessly at Moe, who merely raised her eyebrows. That was the thing with Moe- she wasn't ever really all that supportive. Elle had recently learned the difficult lesson of not being able to rely on anyone but herself, but still, if would be nice if Moe would occasionally defend her from these kinds of attacks.
"No." Elle said quietly, honestly. "I never did it."
They crooned and teased her some more, and Elle clenched her jaw, as she grinned as nonchalantly as possible. She was tired of being dubbed 'the baby'. It was time things changed.
And that's how Elle found herself very drunk and mouth-to-mouth with Vince Victrofsky, as he seated her on the edge of the bed in Moe's spare bedroom some three hours later.
He was kissing her in a way Elle had never been kissed before, as Elle awkwardly kissed him back, praying that he didn't notice that she really had no idea what the hell she was doing.
She had drank, a lot, until she was at that point where she wasn't ashamed to throw herself on Vince Victrofsky, who had a considerable amount of alcohol himself. She needed to get drunk enough to get past all of her uncertainties about being inexperienced. She needed to do this for herself.
Elle, however, wished that she had taken a few more shots as Vince's hands began to sneak under her shirt, climbing slowly up her ribcage. The muscles in her abdomen tightened as she felt his hands on her skin, momentarily distracting her from his tongue in her mouth.
His fingers were burrowing underneath her bra. Elle's heart began to pound beneath her ribs. He had his hand over her…oh, god. A boy had his hand on her bare breast.
He momentarily broke away from Elle's face as he peeled her shirt over her head. He took a moment to look at her naked upper half before leaning forward, placing his mouth over her breast.
What the hell?! Why was he doing that? Was she supposed to enjoy this? She wasn't enjoying it…in fact, Elle felt more intimidated than ever.
But this is what she had wanted…right? She didn't want to be the baby anymore. She wanted to grow up and do all of the things that Moe and her friends were doing. If she was this nervous, then maybe she was just as much of a baby as everyone said.
His hands were at her waistband now, unbuttoning her jeans. He slid a hand down the front of her pants and- okay, whoa! Elle stiffened and snapped backward. No, no, no.
"What is it?" Vince looked at her, confused by the sudden change in mood. "Isn't this want you want, babe?"
Elle took a deep breath, inwardly freaking the hell out. Yes, she wanted to do this. But she hadn't expected this to be so…awkward and confusing. Is this all sex was, just awkward prodding and touching and kissing? Or was it just her? Maybe she wasn't ready for this at all.
No! Elle argued with herself, no! She was going to do this, and she was going to grow up. She needed to do this. She just needed to get this over with.
"Yes," Elle replied, her voice calm, despite her nerves. She moved toward him again. "This is exactly what I want."
Now
Matt took her to a quaint little restaurant near the water. Everything would have been amazing, if it weren't for their awkwardly forced conversation, Matt still dancing around the subject of the little incident in the bathroom earlier that evening.
While Elle had been beyond mortified at the time, most of her embarrassment had disappeared by dinner. So, he had seen her stark naked. Okay, yes, that was horrible, but really, how long could she groan and cringe about it before just sucking it up and dealing with it?
Matt, however, still looked almost as frazzled as he had in the bathroom. He blushed, stammered and mumbled all through dinner. Elle would have found it comical, if it hadn't been their first official date.
After a painfully awkward dinner, Matt and Elle made their way through the parking lot, forcing even more painfully awkward conversation.
"That was really good," Elle said, "Thanks for dinner, Matt."
"Yeah…yeah, you're welcome." He mumbled, as they climbed into the Jeep.
Elle gave a great sigh as Matt made to start the engine, but instead turned to her and looked directly into her eyes for the first time all evening.
"Look, I'm really, really sorry about earlier." He said, color rising in his cheeks. "I didn't know anyone was in the bathroom. I wasn't trying to-,"
"It's okay." Elle cut him off, laughing slightly. "You said that I didn't have to put up fronts around you, so why bother wearing clothes, either?"
Matt laughed at her joke, the tension between them evaporating immensely.
"Besides," Elle grinned mischievously, "It's not like you've never seen a naked girl before."
The smile on Matt's face was immediately replaced by a look of sheepish embarrassment. Elle's eyebrows shot up.
"Unless you haven't ever seen a naked girl before…," she said slowly, surprised.
"Nope." Matt admitted, a little more confidently that Elle had expected. "Well, at least not in person."
"Really?" Elle asked, wonderingly, "So you've never…,"
"Had sex?" Matt finished her sentence, "No. I haven't."
"Wow." Elle thought back to that night in front of the old bar, when Matt told her that he didn't drink. She was filled with the same impressed curiosity that she had been feeling back then. "So…why not?"
Matt shrugged, "I'm not a prude or anything, but it just never happened. I mean, I've had a few girlfriends, but it never got serious enough with any of them. Sex isn't something I think should be rushed. I'm sure it's going to happen eventually, why not wait to make it special?"
"Wow…," Elle said again. "I still can't believe people like you actually exist."
"Is that a bad thing?" Matt half grinned.
"No. Not at all." Elle replied, "It's really nice, actually."
Matt smiled warmly, placing a hand on her knee. It was funny, how Elle had spent most of her adolescence feeling intimidated by people who had pressured her to do things, and now, after she had all of the experience that she thought she needed, was feeling intimidated by someone who had had the strength to say no.
"It's just…" Elle said slowly, "You're so good. You're so strong, and you have all of these morals and standards, and I really don't think I'm good enough for someone who is so good."
"Whoa, whoa, Elle," Matt began, but Elle kept speaking.
"I've done bad things, Matt. I've tried things that I wouldn't even dare say aloud. I'm tainted, corrupted and damaged, and knowing that you are so…," She trailed off for a moment, not wanting to call him 'pure', though that was the only word coming to mind.
"I have to be honest; I'm not cool with drinking and drugs. But I know that isn't what you're about anymore, even if it's part of your past. I don't care about the person you used to be. I care about who you are now. And I know that you came into this world with a rocky history, but that doesn't mean you're tainted." He grabbed her hand. "And I don't have standards. You don't need to be intimidated that."
"Okay," she said quietly, a small smile playing her lips.
"So…how old were you?" Matt asked, "When you lost your virginity?"
"Younger than I should have been…," It was Elle's turn to look sheepish. "I was, um…fourteen."
"Fourteen?" Matt's eyes widened in surprise, "Wow. Fourteen."
"I was reckless in the years after my mom died. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of." Elle looked down at her lap for a moment, before meeting his eyes again. "But I don't want to keep that from you."
"You shouldn't feel like you have to." Matt replied. "I mean, I feel like I know you really well, but I know that there's a lot that we still don't know about each other. And that's okay. We'll just make an adventure out of it."
Elle's heart swelled with affection, as it often did when Matt said things like this to her. "I like talking to you."
Matt wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her forehead. "I like talking to you, too."
"And this…us…whatever we are," Elle said softly, resting her head on his shoulder, "I like it. I don't want to rush into anything with you."
People often do things that are very surprising to others. And while this matter is commonly viewed as something negative, it is just as possible to gain something positive from learning something new about someone else.
"Well, here's to taking it slow," Matt pulled her chin toward his own. Elle closed her eyes, leaning in for the kiss.
Then
Late-morning light poured into the spare bedroom. She rolled over, grumbling, as the memories of last night hit her like a ton of bricks.
She vaguely remembered Vince leaving the bedroom sometime around four in the morning. But what she really remembered was the pain. The awkward, embarrassing pain; and how he mistook her small, strangled cries for moans of pleasure.
She sat up, her head pounding from an obvious hangover, and saw her clothes strewn across the floor. Hitching the bedsheet up to her shoulders, Elle felt an uncomfortable pain from between her legs as she brought her knees against her naked chest. She still hurt. Ouch.
"Well, well," Moe appeared in the doorway, in the same outfit she had been wearing last night. "Looks someone did the nasty, Elle-bell."
Elle tried to smile, but her face contorted into a grimace.
"Not everything you hoped it would be?" Moe asked, leaning against the frame of the door, "Don't sweat it. Your first time always feels like shit. It's nothing like what sex really is."
Elle frowned, not entirely convinced. She wanted to lose her virginity so she would feel more like the people who always belittled her. But now, Elle felt more small and uneasy than ever. She looked up at Moe, a sinking feeling in her stomach telling her that she had made a horrible, horrible mistake.
"I don't think I was ready." Elle admitted, because Moe was the only one who didn't treat her like a silly kid. "I'm regretting this."
"Look, you just gotta shrug it off, dude." Moe said, "You can't take back your v-card. He used protection, right?"
Elle nodded, cringing at the embarrassing memory of herself struggling to put his condom on.
"I know they put you down and make you feel small," Moe shrugged, "They don't see you like I do. To them, you're a baby cub in the lion's den. You gotta do what you gotta do not to get eaten alive. And hey, they can't call you 'virgin' anymore. Don't regret the things you do to make yourself stronger."
"I know." Elle said quietly. Ever since Moe had taken Elle under her wing, she had helped Elle deal with the pain of her mother's death. Moe never provided a shoulder to cry on, but she would constantly reassure Elle that as long as she was strong, things would be okay. Moe, who had also dealt with hardship throughout her childhood, believed that as long as she never let the world see her sweat, the world would back the hell off.
"We're strong, remember?" Moe said, "We don't let bullshit like men and sex get us down. You're a warrior, Elle, and you don't wallow in regret. That's shit. Just keep your head up and ignore all the shit that's tellin' you otherwise. You did what you did. So just own that."
Now
"Lucas," Lindsey burst through the office door, as Lucas looked up from his computer in surprise. She opened her mouth to speak, but faltered as she saw him look up from his keyboard, meeting her eyes briefly, before looking back down.
"What is it, Lindsey?" Lucas grunted.
She had rehearsed the things she would say to her husband, as not to upset him or push him farther away. She would begin with small talk, before cleverly side-tracking to a different subject, leading to another subject, before finally voicing the concerns that were buzzing around in her mind. She would be tentative; concerned, but not overbearing. It was foolproof. She would get him to open up to her.
But as she looked into his pained blue eyes, the speech she had written in her head evaporated into nothingness.
"I'm worried about you, Lucas," She burst out, walking over to where he sat, standing almost directly above him. "You're shut up in here, not talking to anyone, and it's scaring me! You aren't acting like yourself."
So much for being tentative.
Lucas did not reply, but looked up at his wife, as though really, truly seeing her for the first time in days. Lindsey finally saw a flash of the strong, kind man she had married, as he noticed how upset she looked as well. That was one of the many things she loved about Lucas- how he was able to see past his own pain at the sign of anyone else's.
"I'm worried about you." She said again, a little quieter this time, "And…I'm worried about us."
"Us?" Lucas echoed, his voice filled with concern at the distraught look on his wife's face. "What about us?"
"I need to know that you're still you. I need to know that you still love us the same." Tears filled Lindsey's eyes.
"Of course," Lucas stood up, rubbing his hands soothingly down Lindsey's arms. "Of course I do."
"I've been walking around for days, trying to ignore this sick, awful feeling in my stomach." Lindsey's voice trembled. "But I can't keep running from the questions I'm afraid to ask, and I need you to be honest with me, Lucas."
"What is it?"
She looked into his eyes, a single tear spilling out of her own. "If you had found out about that baby before Peyton died, would you have gone to her?"
Lucas stared at her for a few moments, openmouthed, before slowly hanging his head. Lindsey stepped away from him, silent tears streaming down her face. She knew he could not lie to her, but his lack of an answer provided one for her anyway. Everything she had been scared of losing, her family, her marriage… everything she had feared was coming true.
Lindsey fled from the room, closing the door behind her. Her chest ached, her limbs shook. She stood in the hallway, unable to move another step, for the overwhelming pain in her heart was almost unbearable. Lucas still hadn't come out of his office.
He hadn't come after her. But he would have gone after Peyton. And at that moment, Lindsey Scott knew that no matter how hard she tried to be the perfect wife, no matter how hard she tried to hold her family together, she would never be blessed with possessing all of her husband's heart.
People often do things that are very surprising to others.
The biggest shock, however, is when it is coming from the one person we thought we knew best.
She leaned against the wall, clapping a shaking hand over her mouth, as a strangled sob escaped from between her fingers.
Again, I had a few different things going on in this chapter, and we were reintroduced to Moe, and that stage in Elle's life, Lucas and Haley, Matt and Elle (cheese, heh) Lucas and Lindsey...any thoughts? I'd love to hear what you all think!
And as for the Lucas/Elle interaction, I hate to say that we're not going to be seeing anything between them for a few more chapters. Erg, I'm sorry! But I have everything all planned out, please just trust me :)
And I can't help but thank you all again for being so incredibly supportive of this story; it really is a true blessing to have such wonderful readers like all of you :) Please take care!
Love, Brennan :)