A/N: Sunsetdreamer and I were playing fic drinking games on vacation last February and I got the phrase "If only what was said could be taken back." And what was actually written down was a hot, drunken mess but a snippet of an idea was salvaged from the ashes! Non-canon, non-smut in this one.
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Dec. 14th: Cindy_Sue chose the word "bank".
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"That's a serious face." Brennan commented as she sat down on the couch next to Booth.
"I'm trying to decide what to get Parker for Christmas. I want it to be perfect." He sighed. She smiled and kissed his temple.
"What about a computer? He's in middle school now and his homework is getting more intensive. He could use a laptop." Brennan suggested.
"Get a 12 year old boy unlimited internet access? I don't think so." Booth shook his head. "Rebecca would kill me. Plus, Santa doesn't have that kind of money in the bank this year." Brennan frowned and pulled away.
"We have money, Booth. Quite a lot of it, actually." She reminded him. "I wish you would start considering it as yours as well."
"Look, Bones, I appreciate the offer but this, this should come from me." He told her.
"Should I be getting something for Parker separately? I just assumed since we were living together now we would get him something together." She said, trying to be supportive and not let her own emotions interfere with his decision.
"No! No, it's not that, it's just, I should pay for whatever we get him. He's my kid, you know?" He reasoned.
"I do know." Brennan sighed. "You never let me forget it." She added as she stood up.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked from his spot on the couch.
"He's your son, Booth. You do whatever you feel is best. I just think it's ridiculous for you to be needlessly sacrificing just to protect your sense of pride." She walked into the kitchen.
"It has nothing to do with pride." He argued defensively as he stood up and followed her.
"Oh it has everything to do with pride." She countered, not buying his argument for a second. "You feel that as his father, you are responsible for shouldering the entire burden but it doesn't have to work like that. You don't have to do it alone anymore. I could help."
"Bones, you can't even begin to understand the pressure of being responsible for someone else's existence. I mean, if you really wanted to pick up and go right now, you could just grab your AmEx and vanish without a trace. Well, I don't have that kind of freedom. I never have. I've spent my entire life taking care of other people, making sure they had food on the table, keeping them safe. Every decision I have ever made has been with someone else in mind first. People rely on me, Bones." Brennan was stunned by his patronizing tone. She bit her inner cheek for a second, debating what she wanted to say. She knew that she was walking into fire of sore spots with him but she didn't care. She had to respond.
"You got me, Booth. I don't know what it means to support other people. I guess at fifteen I was just too selfish, trying to find enough food to eat and dodging all of those abusers all on my own, I didn't stop to think of anyone else. Maybe if we had met sooner, you could have added me to your list of charity cases. Clearly, I was missing out." She hissed as she grabbed her purse. She couldn't see his pained, regretful face clearly for the angry tears blurring her vision but his desperate, panicked voice trailed from behind her as she stormed out of the house, slamming the door in indignation.
She got into her car and turned it on, unsure of where she wanted to go. She decided to just drive. She threw the car into gear and pulled away from the curb.
As she drove, the Prius began to receive more than a few of Booth's desperate phone calls. She completely ignored the first two, debated answering the third and waivered entirely on the fourth. She knew she needed time to get her thoughts clear. Still, with every time his name flashed on her dashboard, she felt a bit guiltier for her silence.
Deep down, she knew that Booth hadn't meant his comments to hurt her. She knew him well enough to know that he was blind when it came to both Jared and Parker. He had what Sweets referred to as 'White Knight syndrome', and Brennan couldn't help but agree with the assessment, psychology or not.
To be fair, Brennan was pretty biased when it came to Parker as well. She would never forget the first time that she saw his little hand waving at her over Booth's shoulder. It had been the team's first Christmas together, although not by choice. She remembered how small Parker had looked in Booth's arms but he had smiled that same Booth smile and waved so happily at her, she couldn't help but smile and wave back. Knowing what she knew now about his custody arrangement at the time, Parker was probably just excited to get to spend any time with his father. It must have been rare in those days.
That makeshift Christmas in the lab had really gotten to her. She had been alone on Christmas for over fifteen years and being forced to watch as everyone else discussed what they should be doing, and who they should be with, made her miss her own parents so much that it hurt. So she had been particularly sensitive to witnessing Booth fight to spend time with his son. She remembered questioning how anyone could deny someone as good and solid as Booth time with his child. He was an excellent father, and the last decade spent with him had only proven it time and time again. It was one of the many reasons she had fallen in love with him. He took care of those around him, especially her. He was a good man.
Deciding it was time to turn around, she headed back to the house to finish hashing out whatever it was this fight had been.
When she pulled into the driveway, he was waiting in the window. The curtains fluttered as he immediately went to open the front door for her.
"I'm so sorry." He said the moment he saw her, unable to wait another second before apologizing. "I should have never said any of those things. I have no idea what I was thinking, I mean…"
"I understand the point you were trying to make." She said, cutting him off. "Parker is your number one responsibility and you've always had a delicate relationship so obviously that's a sensitive issue for you. It took a long time to establish some sort of consistency with him and you're protective of that."
"Do not excuse my behavior, Bones. Please." He begged.
"Oh I'm not." She said seriously. "I'm just acknowledging that our relationship complicates the balance of things with your child."
"But it shouldn't, I mean, God, Bones you've known him almost as long as I have." He acknowledged.
"He was four when I met him." She reminded him as she sat up on the counter and faced him from higher ground.
"Exactly." Booth pointed out and despite her hurt feelings, Brennan felt her heart clench at his sad face. "Look, you're right. I will never feel totally secure when it comes to my right to spend time with Parker. I do my best given the situation and we've made it work for us. I have a tendency to overcompensate when I do get to spend time with him. I want the few memories we get to be perfect, and…" he trailed off as he had an epiphany, "I want them to be mine." He said. Brennan watched as it all began to click. "I really do hoard him, don't I?" Booth realized.
"It's perfectly reasonable to want to spend time with your son, Booth." She reasoned but Booth crossed his arms and covered his mouth with a tight fist.
"I didn't even realize I was doing it, keeping him to myself." He said as he leaned his back against the counter space next to her legs. "I just want to grab every second I can with him." He said quietly.
"I know." Brennan smoothed her hands over his tight shoulders, trying to comfort him. "Your capacity to love and your abilities as a father, these are all reasons why I fell in love with you in the first place." She reminded him. "But I can't be in a relationship with you if such a large portion of your life like Parker is off-limits. It just won't work. We have to find a new balance."
"I know." He said as he turned to face her. "And I promise, from now on, we will." He assured her, but the sadness and guilt didn't leave his eyes. He slipped between her knees, wanting to be closer to her. "Look, Bones, what I said earlier? It could not have been more inaccurate and heartless and patronizing and I am so sorry. I didn't even think about what I was saying. I never meant to insinuate that you don't think of others, you do. So much so that sometimes, I forget just how selfless you really are. It just sort of becomes the status quo." He placed his hand on her cheek. "And I know that an apology doesn't even begin to make things right but I will do whatever it takes to try and fix the damage I caused."
"My white knight, always trying to make things right." She shook her head at his consistency.
"White knight?" He winced and she nodded. "God, if you're agreeing with Sweets, I really am in trouble."
"Yes you are." She nodded again.
"Hey, are you ready to make up yet or do you want to stay mad for a little longer?" He asked her honestly, not wanting to push too soon.
"I don't like being mad at you." She said truthfully.
"It's not so fun for me either." He confessed and she had to smile.
"I'm sorry I called your family members charity cases." She recalled her own hurtful words. He had to chuckle at her apology.
"I think in the grand scheme of things, you get a free pass tonight." Booth said
"I think that's wise." She agreed, before letting out a small yawn.
"You should go up to bed. Fighting is exhausting." He said as he reached up and pushed her hair out of her eyes.
"Are you coming up?" She asked as she yawned again.
"I don't know. Sleeping on the couch is a pretty standard punishment." He suggested. She frowned.
"You have a bad back, sleeping on the couch would be torture for you. Besides, when I'm upset, I like to curl up into you. I can't do that when you're on the couch."
"It would be my pleasure." Booth smiled softly as Brennan set her hands down on his shoulders and hopped down off the counter.
"This doesn't mean you're out of the forest just yet." She said sternly.
"Out of the…" He paused as she turned to glare at him, daring him to continue. "You know what? Out of the forest works too." He conceded as he followed her up the steps.