Hi, didn't abandon this parody, don't plan to. Fox = Fox, the channel Glee's on.

The First Time

Kurt: *In a full body skintight leopard suit* Do you think I'm sexually boring?

Blaine: hhmm?

Kurt: I mean our hands never go south of the equator.

All Fanfiction Writers of Smut: *major face-palm*

RIB: See what we did there? That's our clever way of saying, "We're never gotten past second base." Shut about realistic or not. We don't care.

Blaine: Yup.

Kurt: So…what I'm asking is…don't you want to rip each other's clothes off and ravish each other?

Blaine: Nah I'm good.

Non Exist Plot Consistency: Once again rears it's ugly head.

Blaine's thoughts: Hhhmm, Kurt clearly isn't comfortable speaking bluntly about this, so I will respect his wishes and follow that example.

Blaine: Plus, that's why they invented masturbation. Which I do frequently. Masturbate, I mean. In case you didn't understand what I was saying.

Blaine's thoughts: Welp, I tried.

Blaine: *Leans in close to Kurt's face. Cups his face in his hands.* Kurt?

Kurt: *Stares into Blaine's eyes and feels his breath on his face* …Yes?

Blaine: Ripping off your clothes would take more effort than I'm willing to put in. *kiss!*

RIB: Enjoy that kiss where you couldn't see Kurt's face, you won't be getting many more.

The actual Klaine locker conversation: Is so Fanfiction the writers probably got ideas off Fanfiction.

Kurt: So I want to own Logo.

Blaine: So cute. Of course you do.

Kurt: I want to get a pet pony.

Blaine: You're so sweet.

Kurt: I'm going to decorate my own wedding and design all dresses and tuxes.

Blaine: You're adorable.

Kurt: I want to fuck Taylor Launter before he gets fat.

Blaine: *chokes* What?

Kurt: Yea, yea, that pony one was somewhat embarrassing.

Blaine: I know what I'm masturbating to tonight.

Blaine's thoughts: Let's wrap this conversation up with a cryptic and suggestive remark. That works in movies.

Blaine: Isn't now the time to be…*pauses and whips out James Bond sunglasses* ... dangerous?

Blaine's thought as he walks away: Man, I am slick.

Camera: Zooms in on Kurt's fingers stroking each other. Whoa there Fox, getting' risqué.

Kurt: And how we know Sebastian?

Blaine: You don't.

Kurt: I'm making a point. Sebastian, you should know that we do face washing routines nightly.

All Fanfiction Smut Writers: We're actually going to jump off a cliff.

Kurt: We're going to be experiencing a lot of firsts soon. Hint hint.

Sebastian: So Blaine's a virgin? Hot.

Blaine: You should drink!

Kurt: But It's illegal.

Blaine: Courage, Kurt, Courage.

Sebastian: So I hear that you are always the designated driver.

Kurt: Oh really? Has Blaine told you anything else about me?

Sebastian: I meant to say he hardly even mentions you. Doesn't even know you exist, really.

Kurt:...because that's a pretty detail-ish thing for Blaine to mention ther-

Sebastian: Who are you again?

Blaine: SO ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR ILLEGAL ACTIVITY AND DIRTY DANCY OR WHAT?

Sebastian: YYYEEAAABUDDY.

Kurt: *Takes straw into his mouth a sips rather suggestively*

Blaine: *Humping Sebastian*

Kurt: Why do I even try.

Blaine: KURT I WANT TO FUCK YOU IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR!

Kurt: …you're never getting drunk again. Ever.

Blaine: I'm serious. *hands groping everywhere, which would cause fangirling, if it weren't so creepy*

Kurt: …..me too…get the hell off me.

Blaine: OM NOM NOM TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!

Kurt: Blaine! No!

Everybody Watching Glee: *flashbacks*…

- Critics: They are singing about date rape.

- Blaine: sextoyssextoyssextoyssextoys

- Blaine: Want a foot massage? Want to fool around? Only as friends, you understand.

- Blaine: Lets go to your house and practice sex...

Blaine: y looks.

- Blaine to Burt: Teach your son about sex.

Yea probably should have seen this one coming.

Kurt: You're drunk and trying to force yourself unto me after dancing with another guy.

Blaine: So why are you mad?

Kurt: BLAINE!

Blaine: Je-sus, Sorry for trying be to SPONTANEOUS! I think I'm just going to have to walk home, Kurt. I'm a little bit offended at you raising your voice at me.

Kurt: You're home is probably at least a twenty minute drive from here. Do you have any idea how many hours of walking that is? While you're super drunk during the night? You will die somehow or another attempting that.

Kurt: But apparently I let you anyway.

Chris Colfer's voice as he cries out "Blaine!": Makes up for this fail.

Kurt: Hey

Blaine: Hey

Kurt: You were great.

Blaine: Put your hand on your heart.

Kurt: Like the song?

Blaine: The lyrics don't say that anywhere. I'm sorry for sort of trying to rape you in your own car.

Kurt: I'm sorry for not letting you rape me in the back of my car.

Blaine: *tearfully* It's okay, I forgive you.

Kurt: Hey, it was still better than you kissing Rachel before we were in a relationship!

Blaine:

Kurt:

Blaine:…you really thought that was better? If I had done that to a girl, I'd suddenly be the most hated character on Glee.

Kurt: *grabs Blaine's arm* MINE.

Klaine: *kiss*

Blaine: When I kiss, my arms don't leave my sides. It's really strange.

Kurt: You take my breath away. Up on stage, I realized what you meant about masturbation.

Blaine: *Tearfully* Thank you.

Blaine: So…I was thinking…want to Artie's party...

Kurt: NO

Blaine:…

Kurt: I want to come over to your house.

Blaine: Yea sure invite yourself over, that's totally polite.

Kurt: TAKE ME THERE

Blaine: *muttering* Couldn't this have happened before opening night?

What is it about crying: That turns Kurt and Blaine on?

Cut to Kurt and Blaine in bed: Wearing underwear. And pants. And undershirts. And socks in one case. And definitely not having the hot Klaine sex we all wanted.

RIB: Their noses touched, okay? LEAVE US ALONE.