Updated for the first time in like six months. This story has taken a definite swing away from where I originally thought it would go... but after 6 years, I guess that's hardly surprising. I hope you enjoy anyway.
Cersei woke shortly after sunrise. She hadn't left her bed after Loghain left, even though it had still been relatively early when he had. Instead, she cried. Well, she cried for the first hour. After that she just sniffled and felt sorry for herself for a few more hours before dropping off into a fitful slumber. She woke once, in the early morning hours, after a dream of Loghain simply vanishing before her eyes. She cried for a few minutes before sleep overtook her again; this time her sleep was dreamless.
As she blinked the sleep out of her eyes, she felt both refreshed and numb (which didn't even make any sense to her). She sat up and stretched lazily, before sliding out of bed and walking to the window. She opened it and inhaled the brisk morning air, then suddenly realized she was stark naked and practically hanging out an open window. She retreated into her room and slowly pulled on some light armor – she wasn't planning on going anywhere today, so her heavier armor wasn't needed. Although, speaking of armor, she needed to bring Wade that piece of golem shell that she had nabbed shortly before killing those broodmothers. She could use a new set of armor.
Shortly after she pulled her boots on, she heard a knock at her door. Wondering who it could be – most of her companions preferred to sleep in – she ambled over to open it.
She was surprised to see she had not one, but two visitors. "Um... hello boys." She glanced up and down the corridor, then said, "Why don't you go ahead and come in?"
Nathaniel and Zevran walked in and she shut the door behind them; Nathaniel moved over to the window, while Zevran plopped down on her bed in what he probably assumed was a seductive pose.
She waited for one of them to speak, assuming that one or both of them had probably been around to see Loghain leaving the keep the night before. In point of fact, they had – he had stormed through the main hall just as the two of them had been walking in to see if Anders was around. They had recognized the look of sorrow and heartbreak on his face, having seen it on their own all too frequently. Nathaniel had wanted to go to Cersei immediately, but Zevran had surprisingly cautioned him to wait until the morning. So, here they were.
Several long moments passed. Finally, Nathaniel turned to her and gently asked, "What happened?"
She noticed Zevran was watching her carefully. He would know without a doubt if she lied about anything that happened. But then again, why lie? She knew she could trust these two; after yesterday, they were probably the only two people she trusted completely. Thank you, Loghain, for shattering my trust in you. Now I'm going to be a bitter old hag.
She walked closer to them, stopping about halfway between the two men. "Loghain and I... we're over."
They both looked at her in shock, though they both felt similar surges of hope at the news. "Mia bella, how did a bond as strong as yours break apart in such a short time?" Zevran remembered watching the two fall in love, and was genuinely confused.
She sighed, before moving to the bed and sitting on the edge. "A combination of things. Our separation, his insensitivity, my oversensitivity..."
"Ah, yes, it's all so clear," Nathaniel drily remarked.
Cersei glared at him before continuing. "Do you know he was already back in Denerim a month ago? He could have come to me then, but didn't. Apparently Anora is already with child – which, in case I haven't mentioned, is exceedingly difficult for a Warden to accomplish – and wanted her father around to... I don't know, hold her hand and sing her songs. It hurt my feelings immensely to realize he could have been here with me and chose not to be. Especially since he's now departed for Orlais. I just don't see why he couldn't have even given me at least a week! At this point, there's no guarantee I'll ever be able to see him again." She trailed off.
Zevran cocked his head at her. "There is more, yes?"
"When I saw him yesterday, standing in that hall, I was... so happy. I thought we would have more than a few hours together, so I didn't waste any time to get him into my bed." Nathaniel winced almost imperceptibly; luckily, she didn't notice. "But he knew. He knew that he would be leaving come dusk, and he decided it was indeed a better use of our time to rut like animals. I had so many things I needed to talk to him about, but he made me feel like he only wanted me for my body. We fought. Or I suppose I should say I yelled at him. Told him I wasn't his whore." She shuddered, and once again tears started leaking from her eyes. She angrily wiped them away.
"I just think it's unbelievably hurtful for him to use his last few moments with me to achieve physical pleasure. Aren't I worth so much more than that?"
Nathaniel spoke. "Of course you are, and you bloody well know it. And Loghain does too. Maybe he thought you would appreciate... how do I phrase this... feeling his love more than a few hours of conversation. It can be hard to convey feelings using just words, you know."
She looked at Zevran, curious what he thought.
"He is right, you know. Some of us do not know how to express our emotions so well verbally. Not everyone can spin sonnets or ballads about the strength of their love quite so well as I, precious."
Precious. Zev had taken to calling her that lately, and she rather thought she liked it. But they were probably right about Loghain. Ah well – it was a moot point now.
"Too bad it's a little late to talk to him about it. But I had to end it anyway – we may, quite literally, never see each other again. He is entirely too devoted to the Wardens. I suppose I am too, but I don't think either of us will be free to dictate our circumstances for a long time yet."
"Cersei..."
"It's alright Zev. If we're meant to be... then we'll find our way back to each other again. And if not, I've always got you." She winked at the blond elf. He smiled at her, then rose from her bed.
"Well, my dear Warden, I have some business to attend to. I will find you later." He embraced her gently, then left the room. Nathaniel lingered at the window. After a few minutes of silence, he looked at her and said, "We have to prepare the Joining for Sigrun. Would you like me to go tell Varel?"
She didn't answer him at first, just stood and walked over to him. Then she stared at him until he realized that she probably wouldn't mind a hug. So he wrapped his arms around her, and placed a kiss on the top of her head. She burrowed into his chest, and the tears started to fall in earnest.
"Nate, I feel so stupid. And it hurts. It just hurts. I don't know what to do."
He tightened his arms. "It's alright Cersei. We're here for you. Let's just focus on what must be done next. And... I love you. We all love you."
Cersei wept.
Sigrun had survived the Joining. Cersei had had a feeling she would – with the exception of Mhairi, she was exceedingly lucky at choosing new Grey Warden recruits. Since the Joining a week ago, they hadn't done very much. They hadn't even gone to investigate the Blackmarsh yet, though she knew they should make haste in their search for Kristoff. Cersei felt like she was waiting, but for what she wasn't sure. She was currently wandering aimlessly around the keep. Maybe I should go check in with Wade, see how that golem shell is working out for him.
As she entered the courtyard, however, Sergeant Maverlies approached her. "Commander, we've finally cleared the rubble in the basement. There's a passage into the Deep Roads, but Voldrik says you'll need to clear out the darkspawn so he can seal the entrance."
Cersei nodded. "Alright, I'll gather some of my companions. I'll return shortly."
She walked back into the keep, considering who to bring with her. Anders, definitely. It's always wise to have the healer with us. Nate is probably a good choice as well – maybe we can work on getting into that crypt again while we're down there. That means I'll have to leave Zevran here. And... Oghren. He hasn't been out with me as often as he'd like.
All her Wardens would probably eating their lunches, so she headed to their dining hall. Sure enough, her companions were all seated around the same table, chatting with each other as they ate. Even Velanna was there, and she tended to avoid spending too much time with the 'shemlens.'
As Cersei walked up to the table, she heard Anders talking. "So Oghren... why did you even want to be a Grey Warden? You thought it would make for great drinking stories?"
Zevran and Nathaniel were laughing. Oghren muttered, "I can't believe you survived the Joining."
Anders grinned. "You got drunk and made a bet, didn't you?"
"I bet you I could crush your tiny human skull."
Sigrun whistled in delight. The mage simply replied, "I bet you I could drink you under the table."
Oghren slammed his mug on the table. "You're on!" Everyone around him started whooping, and Zevran moved to pour ale into their mugs. Cersei, however, stopped him.
"Hold on there boys, I'm afraid your drinking contest will have to wait." The entire table stopped and turned to look at her, disappointment written on several faces.
She laughed and held up her hands. "Whoa, I just said it has to wait, not that you can't do it! We actually have some darkspawn to kill. Oghren, Anders, Nate," she nodded to each as she said their names, causing the mage and the dwarf to grimace, "I'm going to have you join me. As soon as you finish eating, of course."
She started to walk away, but Zevran called out, "Why don't you join us, precious? I would love to bask in your glory while I eat." In truth, Zevran was becoming concerned – she wasn't eating very well, not since Loghain left. He wanted to make sure she had something before she ran headlong into battle again.
Cersei hesitated, but finally walked back to the table and seated herself between Nathaniel and Zevran. Someone dropped a plate loaded with meat, cheese, and bread in front of her, and she suddenly realized she was famished. She tuned everyone out for a few minutes while she inhaled some food; Zevran sighed in relief, as did Nathaniel.
Although he hadn't been exhibiting many outward signs of concern for Cersei, he was even more worried than the elf. He had known her for a very long time, and though she had changed in many ways he knew she would still internalize her biggest problems. He knew how to penetrate her defenses, though; he had just been waiting for the right time. If she was eating again, she was at a point where she would be more willing to talk. He didn't know how Zevran, observant of Cersei as he was, hadn't noticed that her appetite (or lack thereof) was the biggest indicator of her moods and willingness to open up.
Nate was right – Cersei was feeling slightly better about herself. Although, in all honesty, she still wasn't ready to just forget about Loghain. Even now, he was running through her thoughts. What was he doing right now? Was he thinking of her? Would he move on with some prissy Orlesian harlot? She began to glower as negative thoughts filled her head. So much for feeling better...
Nathaniel saw her face darken, and knew her mood was going south. He looked across the table as he took a drink, and noticed Velanna was watching him. He quirked an eyebrow at her, and she said, "I may have misjudged you a little."
His other eyebrow raised. "Just a little?"
"I sometimes paint all humans with the same brush."
He smirked, an idea forming in his head. "As long as it's such a pretty brush, I don't mind." Cersei glanced up sharply, just in time to see him wink at the Dalish mage. The tips of Velanna's ears began to redden, and she stammered before replying, "I'm sure I don't know what that means."
"It means your apology is appreciated, my lady."
Cersei felt her stomach give a lurch. Wait, why should it even bother me anyway? I'm the one who's been pining over Loghain all week, how selfish am I exactly? I can't just have all the attention of all the men.
Velanna sniffed. "Well, then. Good." She turned back to her food, chewing thoughtfully. Cersei narrowed her eyes and shifted her gaze away – right to Anders's amused face. He had apparently seen Cersei's reaction. She narrowed her eyes further and stuck her tongue out at him. He laughed, and then stood. "Well, commander, I'm going to go grab my staff. I'll be waiting for you."
Zevran laughed. "That is, perhaps, a bit too much information. My virgin ears will never recover!"
Anders rolled his eyes, but his smile remained. Oghren stood, and said, "Hang on sparkle fingers, I'll come with ya."
Cersei nodded at the two of them as they left. Just as she crammed another bite of food in her mouth, she heard Velanna speak again.
"When you were talking about the pretty brush, did you mean... me?"
Cersei stopped chewing. The bread suddenly tasted like ashes in her mouth. She heard Nathaniel chuckling, then he said, "It can't be the first time someone's said you're pretty."
"And if it is?"
Oh, please. Nate, she's obviously fishing for compliments. Don't fall for her little 'oh, you think I'm pretty?' game.
He winked at her – again – and said, "Then you must not talk to many people."
Velanna blushed prettily, and for the first time Cersei saw a small smile appear. Ugh, she actually is pretty when she smiles.
The elven woman said, "Most people aren't worth talking to." She held Nathaniel's gaze for a moment. Then she opened her mouth as if to speak again, but closed it; a moment later, she said, "Excuse me," and rose from the table, swiftly walking away.
Nathaniel raised his eyebrows, and said, "Well that was odd."
Cersei turned to look at him. "Was it? Was it odd? Did you find it odd that you flustered that woman by so brazenly flirting with her?"
Zevran and Sigrun turned to look at her, questioning looks on their faces. She crossed her arms stubbornly, and said, "What? Velanna doesn't trust humans very well, and flirting with her with no intention of following through is only going to make that worse—"
"And who says I have no intention of – following through, did you call it?" He turned to look at her. He saw hurt in her eyes, and though he didn't like causing her pain he knew it was an effective way to keep her focus off Loghain. She suddenly pushed her plate away and stood, saying, "Change of plans. Nathaniel, stay here and keep your eyes on the keep. Zev, you're with me."
Zevran glanced at Nathaniel – what exactly was he doing? He knew the Warden was still in love with Cersei, so why was he... Ah. As Cersei walked away, he moved to follow her, and clapped a friendly hand on Nathaniel's shoulder as he walked past him. Nathaniel beckoned him to come closer, and when Zevran leaned down he murmured, "Now's your chance. Get her talking."
"Of course, signore." Then he hurried after the commander, who was currently stomping her way out of the dining hall.
He caught up to her just outside her room, grabbing her arm to stop her. She spun around and yelled, "What?"
He remained stoic, but he flinched internally. Her face was caught somewhere between fury and sorrow, and if he didn't react quickly she would unleash the fury on him. So he did the first thing he thought of – he pulled her into a rough embrace. She stiffened, then rapidly melted into his arms. He felt her shake and knew she was starting to cry. He moved her into her room without releasing the embrace, and shut the door.
He rubbed small circles on her back while she cried. After several minutes, he said, "Cersei, precious. While you are the most beautiful creature in existence even while weeping, I have to wonder what is causing these tears?"
She lifted her tear-streaked face. "Zev, I just... I just don't know!" she wailed.
He moved his hands to cradle her face, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from under her eyes. Then he leaned in to kiss her forehead. "Mia bella, have you cried since the morning after Loghain left? I think you have been swallowing your emotions, yes?"
She nodded miserably. "I know it's stupid, but I was sitting there thinking about Loghain's eye being caught by some Orlesian wench more beautiful and charming than me, and then Nathaniel suddenly decided to move on from me too and it was just too much and why do they think these other women are better than me?" she trailed off into another wail.
Zevran had to refrain from laughing. "My dear, you are crying over a scenario that hasn't even happened. And that will never happen, as there is no woman in all of Thedas more beautiful and charming than you. Clearly you are drunk right now."
She snorted. "I wish. Then maybe my feelings wouldn't be so hurt. I'm not even supposed to have my feelings hurt by anything Nate does! I'm still in love with Loghain!"
He smiled gently at her. "You've already given your reason. Nathaniel having feelings for you makes you feel safe, and provides that feeling of love that you don't think Loghain will provide for you anymore. If you think he is attracted to someone else, it leaves you feeling bereft. But, precious, Nathaniel loves you as much as I do. You know this. He was simply... getting you riled up to take your mind off your former lover."
Cersei's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to kill him. Ugh!" She turned away from him and started pacing, back and forth from him to the bed. "Maker, he actually does know me too well." She stopped, her back to him, and he saw a shudder go through her. She seemed to slump for a moment, then her back straightened. She turned, wiping her eyes.
"Well, I've felt sorry for myself for long enough. Bloody hell, I've got to stop letting my emotions get the better of me."
He was still watching her. "Okay Zev, I'm going to need you to leave now. I need to change into my armor." He didn't move, simply began leering at her. Seeing his face, she decided to have some fun. She began moving towards him, swaying her lips and biting her lip. She unbuckled the light chestpiece she was already wearing, and let it fall to the floor. His eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open. When she reached him, she placed her hands on his chest and leaned up to press her lips to his. He almost fell over from shock. He tried to pull away – surely she had lost her mind! – but she grabbed his head and held his mouth to hers. And then she started giggling.
She finally dropped her hands and backed away, her giggles turning into full-blown laughter. Zevran recovered quickly, placing his hand over his heart and saying, "Mi amor, you wound me. Such a tease you are!"
Cersei let out another giggle, then said, "Oh, be a dear and go tell Nathaniel he's been reinstated on this mission."
He bowed, and turned to leave the room. Before he could get the door open, though, she called out, "Oh, and Zev? I thought you said you were a wondrous kisser, and could create pure magic with your lips?"
He turned to look at her, and said, "My dear, when the time comes that I kiss you, it will be like nothing you have ever experienced. Mark my words, it will knock you off your feet." Then he winked and left the room.
Cersei stood there smiling for a moment before moving to pull on her dragon scale armor. She never wore it, as it was a bit heavier than she liked, but she wanted to look like an impressive commander for once. Maybe it would help her maintain this good mood.
Just as she was finishing strapping on her swords she heard a knock on her door. When she opened it, Nathaniel was standing there. "Zevran said—"
"Yes, yes, you're with me." She noticed his bow was already in place, and said, "Since you're ready, let's not waste any more time."
She moved down the hall, and he fell into step beside her. "Are you alright, my lady?"
She snorted. "You don't get to call me that anymore. You've sullied the term by applying it to Velanna."
Their eyes met, and they smiled at each other. "I'm sorry if I caused offense, Cersei. You know..." He stopped and looked up and down the hallway, before grabbing her hand and pulling her close. "You know I could never think she's prettier than you, don't you?"
She cocked her eyebrow at him, wanting to look skeptical. "Is that so? And tell me, good sir, what makes me prettier than her?"
He reached one hand up, and wound one of her loose tendrils of hair around his finger. "Your beautiful hair, for one – so silky, and shiny, and gorgeous when spread out on your pillow." She started to blush, and he moved his hand to lightly trace his fingers over her eyelashes. "Your brilliantly green eyes, that sparkle when you laugh and hold all your emotions in their depths. Your perfect..." He moved his hand once more, to trace his thumb over her lips. "Your absolutely perfect lips, that are the perfect combination of soft and kissable." As he moved his thumb across her lips again, she stuck her tongue out and swiped it across the thumb.
Nathaniel pulled his hand back and started laughing, hard enough to make his eyes squint. Cersei smiled. I forgot, he truly is a handsome man when he laughs.
His laughter faded. "And of course, your sense of humor adds to your loveliness. As do your fighting skills."
They started walking again. "My fighting skills make me attractive? How's that?"
He scoffed. "Please. Don't pretend you don't know. To see you leap and twirl and take down creatures three times your size... it highlights your flexibility and shows off your very toned physique." He waggled his eyebrows at her. She laughed, and pushed him. She laughed harder when he stumbled into the wall. As he recovered his footing, he saw her sprinting down the hall away from him, her laughter trailing after her. He grinned, and took off after her.
He caught up to her just as they reached the main hall, and he wasted no time in tackling her to the ground. She tried to roll away from him, but he pinned her legs and started tickling her. Her armor covered most of her, but her neck was still exposed, and he knew how sensitive that was.
"Ah! Get off me..." her laughter gained an shrill edge. "You filthy blackguard!"
"Heh heh. Gettin' a bit frisky with the commander, are you?" They both looked up to see Oghren and Anders standing over them. They rolled away from each other and stood up, Nathaniel with a sheepish look on his face.
Cersei raised her nose in a mock 'snooty noble' look, and said, "No, I've just decided that tickle fights are a new, mandatory way of relaxing before we go out in the field."
Anders and Oghren stared at her, obviously trying to decide how serious she was.
"Well?" she asked. "What are you waiting for?"
Anders got a look of horror on his face, and immediately protested. "No! Do you see how much armor he has on? He'll crush me with his weight! Not to mention all my ticklish spots have only thin robes to protect them!"
"You callin' me fat, you manskirt-wearing freak?"
"I bloody well am, have you seen yourself? You're twice as wide as I am."
"And you're twice as annoying."
Anders gave him a withering glance, while Cersei and Nathaniel looked at each other and rolled their eyes. "You don't actually think your jokes are funny, do you?" asked Anders.
Oghren grunted. "Could have sworn that fly was buzzing again."
"HAR!" Anders started, in a deep voice that was obviously an impression of Oghren. "Let me tell you about my life in one word!" He let out a loud burp.
In a high-pitched, extremely whiny voice Oghren replied, "Oh no! Don't take me back to the tower! I'm far, far too delicate!"
"I'm not only a dwarf, I'm a moron! Listen to me fart!" A trumpeting sound erupted from the mage's rear.
Oghren's voice became even more high-pitched. "Oh no, big templar man! What are you going to do with that sword?"
Anders grimaced. "Eww." He heard a stifled girlish giggle, but when he looked Cersei had a straight face. He turned back to the dwarf, who simply said, "Don't play with fire unless you want to get burned, son."
Cersei and Nathaniel simply walked away. The healer and the berserker would stop arguing and follow them. Hopefully.
Cersei stared at the desiccated corpse of Kristoff. This was her fault, if she hadn't delayed for over a week...
"Are you sure it's him?" asked Nathaniel.
She slid her gaze from the Orlesian's decaying face. "Yes. I met him in Denerim." Her mouth quirked into a frown. "He laughed at my clever jokes."
Nate's eyebrow rose. "Then the world suffers for his loss."
Cersei spun around and smacked his arm with a small grin on her face. "It's true, but you shouldn't say it like that!" He grinned in return, but the mirth simultaneously began to fade from their faces as their blood began to tingle.
"Uh, boss...?"
She turned to look at Oghren, and saw what he was staring at – another bloody talking darkspawn had made its presence known. Along with quite a lot of its mutant darkspawn friends.
"And what are you supposed to be?" she asked.
"I am the First! Most loyal to the Mother! The Mother said you would come for him," it said, motioning to Kristoff's body. "And the Mother, she was right. The Mother is always right."
Cersei's nose wrinkled in disgust. "You killed Kristoff? To lure me here? Surely you knew that would only result in your death?"
The darkspawn made a guttural sound. She supposed it was laughter. "The Mother, she knew you would fall into her trap. The Mother is no prophet, but she is most clever. Oh yes, that she is."
"If you think you and your little abominations are enough to stop a few seasoned Grey Wardens, you are sadly mistaken."
The veritable sea of darkspawn around them began to move closer. Cersei pulled her swords free, ready to destroy everything in her path. Before mayhem ensued, however, the First held up his hand.
"Warden, the Mother is never mistaken. The Mother knows you are working with the Father. The Mother will see you destroyed."
Cersei looked confused. "The Father...? Do you mean... the Architect? You think I'm working with him simply because I haven't killed him?" Loghain's warning not to trust the Architect flashed briefly through her mind, so she added, "...Yet?"
Anders suddenly started, then said, "Cersei, we need to go, I can feel the Veil twisting..."
The First made his terrible laughing sound again. "The Mother, she is not permitting you to further his plan, whether you know or not. So she is sending you a gift." It's hand lifted, revealing a strange glowing orb.
Too late, the Wardens tried to run. A bright light exploded around the clearing, and consciousness faded quickly from them.
Cersei struggled to wake. She felt strange, as though she wasn't really there. She kept hearing Loghain's voice, but was unsure if it was inside her head or coming from somewhere else. She finally managed to crack her eyes open – everything looked surreal and had a greenish tinge to it. Great, it looks like I'm in the bloody Fade. AGAIN. There better not be a sloth demon waiting to suck the life out of me again...
She sat up, looking around for her companions as she did. Nathaniel, Anders, Oghren... and what do you know, apparently the talking spawn had been caught in its own trap. All lay unconscious around her. She felt a strange tingle at the edge of her awareness, and turned to look behind her. A shadowy form was observing her.
"Cersei." She knew that voice. Pulling herself to her feet, she began to edge towards the figure. Its features came into view, and she inhaled sharply.
"Loghain? Why are you..." Panic lanced through her. "Are you dead?!"
The image before her dimmed slightly, almost as if it was going to disappear. She lurched forward, and his face brightened again.
"How could I be dead if I'm reunited with you?" He smiled, and reached for her. She took his hand, and it felt real... but somehow, insubstantial. Her mind whirled. How could this be? Is this a demon? Or perhaps... perhaps wherever Loghain is, he's simply dreaming. I remember Aldous explaining that dreams were simply wanderings in the Fade.
Hesitantly, she spoke. "Loghain, I miss you. I didn't want to end things with us."
Loghain's face turned somber. "And I've missed you, my love. But here we are, together again."
Her brow furrowed. She was still unsure if this was actually Loghain, dreaming in the Fade, or something more sinister. She turned to look at her companions; none were stirring yet. She wished Nathaniel or Anders would wake; surely one of them would help her determine the validity of the vision before her?
Loghain saw her gaze shift to Nathaniel. His face twisted. "Have you replaced me already, then? Is this why you cast me out of your life?"
She turned to look at him. "I didn't cast you out, Loghain. You know I love you!" Tears started welling in her eyes. "We just... can't be together right now, we don't know if we'll ever be allowed to even be in the same country anymore. What if we stay together but live apart for the rest of our lives? You deserve better, we both deserve better..."
Anguish was written on his face. "I would have waited a lifetime for you, but if this is truly what you want..." She noticed he was beginning to fade around the edges. His hand in hers began to disappear. Behind her, Nate was stirring; his eyes opened in time to see Loghain looking his way.
"Loghain, this isn't what I want... but it's what has to happen if we're going to have any happiness in our lives. Maker willing, we will have each other again. I love you..."
Her former lover was almost gone. Only his eyes retained any definition – the rest of him had become a colorful blur. "And I you, Cersei," they heard, before he was gone.
She stared for a moment, a wayward tear running down her face. She shuddered deeply, then wiped the tear away. Turning, she was momentarily startled to see Nathaniel looking at her with a look of concern. She smiled weakly at him.
He stood and moved to her side. "Are you alright? What just happened?"
She glanced up at his face, before suddenly circling his waist with her arm. "I think... I think Loghain was dreaming, wherever he is. And I think we just had a bit of closure."
"So quickly?"
Leaning against him, she replied, "I know it seems quick... but it's not as though we were involved for years, you know. And I love him, I really do. I just feel as though I can accept that all hope is not lost, and we may get each other back eventually. But if we don't, I think we'll be able to find happiness somewhere else without anger."
He looped his arm around her shoulders, and kissed the top of her head lightly. "I hope for your sake that you are right. You deserve to be happy, Cersei."
She stared at the spot where Loghain had stood for a moment longer, then said, "Let's figure out how to get out of here."
The two of them wandered around the clearing where the others were still out, trying to get a feel for the Fade. They both explored the surroundings for perhaps twenty minutes before coming back, where they compared notes.
"This place... it's so different from the Fade that I experienced in the Circle Tower. It mirrors the Blackmarsh almost exactly."
Nathaniel nodded. "Yes, I noticed that as well. Perhaps the ruined mansion is key to our return?"
His gaze turned in the direction of the mansion, and hers followed. It was hard to tell from this distance, but it looked to be in much better condition in the Fade than it had in the corporeal world.
Before she could comment, she heard a low groan issue from behind her. She turned, and saw that Anders was stirring – as was Oghren, though he was silent. The mage sat up and looked around, before saying, "Ah, I see we've crossed into the Fade."
Oghren, on the other hand, sat up and immediately turned whiter than normal. "Wh... where are we?" He had not been with her group yet when she entered the Fade in the Circle; as a dwarf, he had no idea what was happening. She moved to his side and extended her hand to help him stand. "Sorry, old friend. But today you get to experience what it's like when humans dream."
He stared at her for a moment before looking around. "At least I've got you nug-humpers here with me..."
The First moved suddenly, and came to its feet rather quickly.
Nathaniel laughed at its discomfiture, and said, "Well, I see you are every bit as expendable as we are. The Mother clearly has no use for you anymore."
Cersei watched the darkspawn warily, as it opened its mouth and began to speak. Panic was written on its face; it clearly hadn't been expecting to end up in the Fade with the Wardens.
"I am the First! I am not being 'expendable'! Both the Grey Warden and the Mother shall be learning this!" It turned suddenly, and ran from the clearing before Nathaniel could pull his bow from his back.
"It's alright Nate. I have a feeling that isn't the last we'll see of the First." Cersei winked at Nathaniel, before beckoning her other Wardens to her side. She paused for a moment before she spoke, thinking about Loghain. She was sure she had spoken with him, and not a demon. She looked over at Nate, waiting patiently to hear what she would say. And suddenly, she felt okay. Loghain would either be hers again, or he wouldn't. Her heart felt lighter, and she began to speak.
"We'll be out of here in no time..."
Cersei trudged into the main hall of Vigil's Keep. She had brought Kristoff back with her... although it was no longer Kristoff. He was Justice now, a spirit of the Fade bound to the decaying corpse of the Warden she had briefly known. Will he even have to eat now? Or sleep? This isn't what I signed up for, I just wanted to kill darkspawn.
She shook her head, striding towards the entrance to the kitchen. As she reached the door, she realized Zevran was trailing her. She sighed in relief.
"Zev, I've missed you." She turned to him to see a rather serious look on his face. Her brow furrowed.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
Her favorite Antivan grimaced. "I'm afraid I have bad news, preziosa. I must return to Antiva."
She staggered, and had to drop heavily into a chair. "W—what? You're leaving me?" Tears sprung to her eyes. Why why WHY AM I ALWAYS CRYING?
Zevran looked down at the floor. "My dear Warden, you know I would never leave your side if it was possible to avoid it. But the Crows..."
She slammed her hand on the table. "NO. I don't care about the Crows! I've already lost Loghain, I can't lose you too!" Her voice broke on the last word.
He dropped to one knee and took her hand. "Cersei. You know I would rather die than be parted from you. But the Crows are merciless; if I do not return to Antiva and eliminate the problem, it is very possible that I will die. Or you. And if they were to attack you, I could not handle it."
She couldn't meet his eyes. "But how am I supposed to make it without you? I don't even know how to exist without you at my side anymore."
Zev grimaced again. "Mi amor, you lived many years without me. You can do so again, and you must. I know this isn't what you wanted... but I trust Nathaniel to keep you safe while I am gone."
She snorted. "He's not as good as you."
The elf laughed. "Of course he isn't, but he loves you enough to do the job almost as well as I do."
Cersei pulled her hand from his. Sighing deeply, she said, "You will come back though?"
He stood, and leaned close to her. "Nothing... nothing could keep me from returning to you."
She looked up at him, and he stared at her. Without warning, he reached out and pulled her face to his, whispering, "Ti amo più di quanto io possa mai dire." Then his mouth was on hers; Zevran had not lied, when his lips touched hers it was unlike anything she had ever experienced. It was magic.
He slowly pulled away. For a moment she couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't form words. Then she giggled, and said, "I'm glad your reputation proved accurate." She looked into his eyes again, and said, "That was absolutely unforgettable. And I expect you to return as quickly as possible, so I might experience it again."
A gentle smile crossed his face. "Ah, my dear, I live only to serve you." He winked, and melted into the shadows in the doorway as he left her alone.
She maintained her grin for maybe thirty seconds before it hit her: her closest friend was gone. Time stopped, her heart stopped, she couldn't breathe again. After a long moment, she gasped sharply and tears formed yet again.
"Zev..."
She drifted back out of the kitchen, no longer hungry. She slowly made her way to the battlements, where she wandered for over an hour until full dark arrived. She looked up to see stars shining brightly at her; she wondered if Zevran was already gone for good. She looked down at her hands, resting lightly on the stone of the wall. For the first time in months, she really noticed the simple ring on her right hand; it was silver, twisted and curling like vines. Zevran had gifted it to her after they had helped the Dalish clan. He claimed he found it in the ancient elven ruins, but you never could tell with the assassin. He just as easily could have lifted it from Zathrian when he died. She stared at the ring for long moments, suddenly realizing how much the Antivan meant to her. Realizing as well how selfish she had been with him, desiring his love and devotion while pledging herself to another. I'm such a fool...
She loved Loghain. Didn't she? Didn't she ? Why then was she still able to recognize such similar feelings for Zevran? Or even for Nathaniel? Wasn't love supposed to be all-encompassing? Maybe she was just still too young. She wasn't supposed to have any feelings for anyone other than Loghain... right? Everything was so confusing. Before she killed the Archdemon, her feelings had been so absolute, so certain. What had happened? Nothing made sense to her anymore. It had only been two weeks since Loghain had left, and she was already confused about the depth of her feelings for him. She twisted the ring on her finger and bit her lip until it bled.
She gradually became aware of a presence behind her. For a moment she hoped it was Zev, but she somehow knew it wasn't; turning her head, she saw it was Nathaniel. Oh great, as if I'm not already confused enough. Here comes the boy I used to love.
But honestly, was that even true? Could she honestly say she no longer had love for Nate? She groaned, overwhelmed by emotions she didn't have the energy to handle. She buried her face in her hands.
Nathaniel stepped forward, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "Cersei, your Crow came to wish me farewell. And to warn me of the dire consequences if I did not keep you safe during his absence."
She snorted. "Of course he did. Everyone seems to forget that I slayed the Archdemon. I don't need a bodyguard."
He stood there silently for a time. After several minutes, she laid her head against his shoulder. He finally responded to her. "Perhaps. But some of us would never forgive ourselves if something happened to you." He brought his hand to her face, and turned her gaze towards his. "Cersei... I would rather die than see harm come to you."
She stared at him. Finally, she smiled and said, "Well you've certainly done a one-eighty since I found you in the dungeon."
He chuckled. "Did you really doubt that would happen?"
She turned slightly, and brought her arms around him. "No, I suppose I didn't. Walk me back to my quarters?"
He squeezed her briefly, before replying, "Of course." He turned to walk away, but she reached for his hand. When he gave her a questioning look, she simply smiled and grasped his hand more firmly.
When they reached her door, he turned to go. She stopped him. "Nate... please stay with me?"
Nathaniel stared at her. He was torn – he loved her still, and wanted her more than he thought was possible. But she was lost, confused, and lonely... it didn't feel right to take advantage of that.
"Cersei... I don't think I should."
Her eyes narrowed. She knew what he was thinking, and damn his noble self for thinking it. But the more she thought about it, the more... delicious it sounded. She had only ever been with Loghain, and she was curious. She trusted Nathaniel, and knew that he wouldn't hurt her. She suddenly made up her mind; she had to have her childhood sweetheart, and damn the consequences.
She laughed. "Shut up, Nathaniel. Come inside." And she was pulling him through her door before he could form a reply. She slammed the door shut behind them. Then she stood there for a moment appraising him.
"Alright, I think you look bloody fantastic just the way you are... but I think I'd like to see if you look as good with the armor removed."
Nathaniel was suddenly more nervous than he had been at any point since their first kiss. He watched her face, checking to see if there was any hesitation... and then she licked her lips. Suddenly she was closing the gap between them, running her hands over him, helping remove his armor. Dragging her nails over every inch of freshly exposed skin. He wondered briefly if she was doing this simply because he had a passing resemblance to Loghain, but then she suddenly remembered that she had a mouth and she started using it to trace the paths her hands were making. As she pushed him onto her bed, she had no regrets.