Chapter 14

It obviously wasn't one of her best ideas—but it wasn't her worst, per se.

She couldn't stop thinking about what he had told her that morning. The few words—the fragment of a sentence he murmured; they held so much power, so much influence on her way of thinking.

All her life, love had just been another aspect of a relationship—usually a relationship that ended poorly. It was a concept that fools created to extract their own loneliness, and replace it with something else, that something else, of course being love.

Spencer never found the idea quite appealing, it made you weak, she saw her friends fall apart, and become pathetic shells of their old selves because of love; the thing that is supposed to diminish those feelings, but usually is the thing that fuels them most.

The question crossed her mind many times in her life time; why people would put themselves through this, when there was such a good chance that they would be left with nothing but heartbreak, and burnt out tear ducts.

Although, she never knew that it wasn't a thing that people chose—it was something that befell on them, with no warning, and no realization.

It just happened, unexpectedly; unwillingly .

It started off casual—just attractions—not feelings, or wanting, or needing—just the simplicity of hormones bouncing off one another. But, then somewhere along the road, feelings developed, and of course, she didn't think much of them. She had a boyfriend before, she had these feelings before—the feeling of wanting to spend your afternoon with someone, occasionally placing a kiss on their cheek in the middle of conversation, cuddling up to them when everything turned chilly, caring about them. She didn't see her feelings for Toby as a threat—they were small; innocent, definitely not something to be watchful of. But, then all of a sudden, her guard fell down, she let her heart lead the way. The next thing she knew, she was clearing her entire day to make time to see him, getting lost in his eyes as he tried to tell her about his day—not because she didn't care, but because it just came inherently — not wanting to ever leave his arms because he made her feel better just by holding her, he didn't even have to mumble a syllable, his embrace was enough. He was now listed as one of those very few people she would do anything for, and she wondered when all that happened. When he went from someone who she liked, to someone who she loved.

She worried it would be too late, that he would take back what he said, and maybe that's why she was being so irrational.

Or maybe it was because of the everlasting quote of "You do stupid things when you are in love."

Either way, she found herself knocking on the door of Toby and Ezra's apartment. Her heart thumping quickly as her knuckles clanked against the door. It occurred to her that Ezra could be home, answer the door, ask questions of why she was here, but in that moment, she didn't really care. Not if it meant losing Toby.

The second the door opened, and she saw Toby standing in the doorway, not only her knuckles, but her heart, came to a complete stop. Her breathing faltered and she suddenly felt a sense fatigue wash over her—her knees locking, and her stability failing.

She licked her lips in a nervousness "Hi" said Spencer.

"Hey" said Toby, uncertainly coated over his persona.

"Is Ezra home?" asked Spencer, in a low whisper, unsure of whether she was whispering because she feared Ezra would somehow hear, or if she simply felt too weak to speak.

Toby shook his head, the same confusion in his eyes from before.

Without permission, Spencer pushed past Toby and into his apartment. The same perplexed look was pasted on his face when he turned around. "Not that I'm not glad to see you, but what are you doing here?" he asked, closing the door, and locking it, as if Ezra didn't have a key or something.

"It was stupid for me to come here, and everything, but I just, I don't know. I probably could have called, and told you, but it would just feel weird that way, and um, I don't know, I guess I could have called before I came over, but I don't know I was trying to be spontaneous, I guess. Wow, I'm rambling."

A slight smile was present on Toby's lips when she looked up at him—he always thought these situations were hilarious.

"Spencer, I guess I'm just confused." He said after a pause, her smile faltering. "This morning, you totally ran out on me…and I know that what I said…was random, and just out of the blue, but it's how I felt. It's how I feel. I don't take it back, and I don't care if you say it back, I love you, Spencer."

She stood their dazzled; speechless, an immeasurable smile marked on her face. "I—" and then came the sound of a doorknob turning.

Both, Spencer and Toby's faces locked in panic, as their eyes met the turning doorbell. "Is that Ezra?" asked Spencer.

"I don't see who else it could be."

Sure enough, it was Ezra.

"Toby, I brought you back leftovers—well I had a piece of your cookie—half of it, but you know not to trust me with cookies—oh, hey Spencer" said Ezra, lifting his head up, his mouth ajar by a full inch. His eyes roamed off of Spencer, and landed on Toby, giving him a look of what the fuck?

"Hi" said Spencer, unsteadily, her voice shaky and nervous.

"Nice seeing you" he smiled tightly, nodding at her, and then at Toby. "I'll be going to be my room now" said Ezra as he began to walk past Toby, offering him the bag of leftovers as he passed.

"Um, I was actually just going, you don't have to go." Spencer stopped him.

He turned around, one of his eyebrows arched.

"Yeah, I was actually just about to walk her out."

He nodded at them once more, but didn't say anything, he just continued to his room in silence.

They both let out a sigh once they heard Ezra's door shut, and left the apartment in silence.

"Do you think he suspects anything?" asked Spencer, finally, once they got to the ends of their travels—her car.

Toby shrugged.

"I guess I'll have to find out"

Spencer chewed into her lip. She was so stupid, so very stupid, what was she thinking? Coming here. It was such a stupid move. This is why she didn't do spontaneous things, because they weren't spontaneous, they were stupid.

"I'm sorry" said Spencer, finally meeting his eyes.

"Don't say sorry. You shouldn't apologize. I got to see you."

A half smile strode across her face.

"What about Ezra?" she asked nervously.

"I'll figure that out. Somehow."

She took a breath of air in.

"I really am sorry." She said once more, locking eyes with him.

He let out a sigh. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

She nodded, her lips curving up into a tiny smile.

"Toby," she softly called out.

He turned around; his eyes open wide with curiosity. "Hmm?"

"I love you, too."

A grin that went up to his ears appeared on his face as the words left her mouth. A small chuckle escaped his mouth a second later, his eyes sparkling as they dazed into hers.

"Goodnight Toby" said Spencer, a giggle echoing of her throat.

"Goodbye Spencer" replied Toby, watching her as she hopped into her car, and pulled out of the park space. She stopped her car once they became in contact again blow him a kiss in his direction before giggling at her own silliness and continuing on her way.

His head dropped in laughter as he watched her speed away.

What a bittersweet goodbye.

…

He closed the door, a goofy smile still struck upon his lips. "I ate the rest of your cookie" said Ezra from his seat at the counter, startling Toby so much that he almost tripped over himself.

His smile was gone as he looked up at his friend, his mouth bumping up and down—speechless.

"oh, um it's okay" murmured Toby, uneasily.

Ezra was just sitting in the kitchen, alone, in the dark, chewing on the last bits of cookies in his mouth. It reminded Toby of one of those movies where the killer would be waiting for his victim, right before the attack. He wiped his hands together, the crumbs falling on the napkin. Once he swallowed, he stood up out of the chair, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "So, at any point where you going to tell me why Spencer Hastings was here?" asked Ezra.

He gulped "Just visiting." He shrugged. "We're friends." He answered with nonchalantly.

"Oh, are you really?" asked Ezra.

Toby sent him a sharp look "Yeah, we are."

He sighed. "Look man, I don't want to get in the middle of all this," his hand flew out in front of him, gesturing to the situation "crap. But, all I'm saying, is that you've been gone more and more—lying about where you are, not coming home till the next morning. And then I come home, and Spencer just so happens to be here, and your best excuse is because you two are friends now. You must know what this looks like, right? You aren't an idiot."

Toby didn't even offer him a stare.

"Or maybe you are." Ezra sighed, shaking his head down. "I'm your friend, and I just want to make sure you know what you are doing."

"Why are you so sure?" asked Toby, furrowing his eyebrows at his friend.

"Why haven't you denied it yet?" retorted Ezra.

To this, Toby didn't know how to reply, actually he didn't know how to reply to any of this. Excuse all the sneaking around he's been doing, he's never been the best liar, and Ezra—knowing him for a good portion of his life, knew when he was falsely telling the truth.

"Bro, all I'm saying is that…someone will get hurt in all of this. Unless, you are really sure about how you feel about Spencer, you should leave it alone…stop this before it gets too serious. And if you are sure...one hundred percent sure...then you two should tell Rebecca. But, you can't just keep doing this. It won't end well, and you know I'm right" said Ezra, before giving him one last look, one last chance to deny all this.

Toby didn't say anything.

"Do the right thing, Toby. Don't be a dick" concluded Ezra, before scurrying off to his room.

...

Spencer stepped into her apartment with a infinite smile still glowing on her face. Nothing could take her down from this high.

But, something would.

Something always did.

The lights were all turned off, and there was Rebecca, watching the signature Nicholas Sparks' movie: The Notebook. Usually, in these situations, Spencer would hurry off to her room, being sure to avoid any of Rebecca's pleading to sit down and watch with her—Nicholas Sparks has never, and never would be, her thing. She always found him to be incredibly cheesy, and just plain ol' ridiculous.

But, this time was different. Not her views on Nicholas Sparks—the aroma of the dark room. Their air felt thick, and heavy; depressing.

Spencer stepped over to the couch Rebecca was lying on to catch what spot in the movie she was on. It was the outrageously cliche part where Noah and Allie were kissing in the rain—of course it was in the rain, what other setting would it be in? And why on earth would they set it up with anything else, but intense angst? That would be ridiculous.

Even though Spencer didn't want to sit here and be engrossed in all of the shit going on in the TV, she sat down anyways, on the small part of the couch that only Rebecca's feet lied. "Are you okay?" asked Spencer, looking down at her friend with furrowed eyebrows. It was dark, but she could still see most of Rebecca's face, well the parts that weren't covered by her mops of hair.

"Why can't I have that?"

"Why do you want that?"

Once again, instead of answering her question, she went on "All I want is for my own Noah, my own Noah, who will love me like I love him. But, no. Instead I'm like Martha, I'll just always have my heartbroken. Noah will never love me, like I love him."

Spencer wasn't even sure who Martha was, but she kept listening to her friends rambles anyways.

"And I don't know, maybe I'm not even like Martha, because Martha had love once, right? She was a widow. Her husband loved her, but then he died. The guys in my life, I thought they loved me, but then everything went rotten, and they didn't even bother to fight for me. I want a Noah, someone who won't give up on me."

Spencer didn't understand a single thing Rebecca was trying to say, but she didn't interrupt.

"I thought I had a Noah, but, I think I lost him. I think I was so...dumb, and lost him. And I don't know how to get him back. Spencer, how do I get him back?" Rebecca finally addressed her, sitting up on the couch to get a better look at her friend.

"Uh...what?"

"You're smart, good at giving advice, how do I get my Noah back?" asked Rebecca.

"Are we talking about Noel? Did you guys break up? Rebecca, I know he was...attractive...I guess, but he's not a good guy. You're capable doing—"

"This isn't about Noel!" she screeched, "I mean we broke up, but that's not why i'm like all...you know..." she sighed before continuing, dropping her eyes down as if she was ashamed. "It's about Toby."

Spencer's heart dropped to her stomach, as her composure slightly faltered. "What about Toby?"

"Don't you get it? Toby is my Noah. And i'm his Allie, I just messed it all up. And wow it's all my fault. I totally rejected him." She shook her head back and forth, her voice raspy with fresh tears. "I ruined it. I ruined what we had. I need to fix it; win him back."

"What about Noel?" asked Spencer, almost a little too quickly; too desperately.

"I was just using him to get over Toby, to make him jealous, but it didn't work. Therefore, I'm going to need a plan to get him back. I'll tell him that I'll go with him...if he still wants me to. I mean what is keeping me from doing that?"

"What are you saying right now? Go where? I thought it was a mutual breakup, why—Rebecca, stop, you are just upset about Noel." said Spencer, her voice a little too urgent to seem normal, but Rebecca was too involved with her own plans to notice.

"It wasn't a mutual break up, really. I mean, kind of." She let out a gigantic sigh. " I wouldn't go with him to move to New York. He got some temp job there, and it's starting this year in April. It's at some big architectural company, and I don't know why i even said no before. It's New York! I was just...scared."

Spencer had to take a second for all this to sink in. She didn't know about any of this. No, Rebecca had to be wrong. Toby must have denied the job offer. April was two months from now. She would know by now, right? "are you sure he's still taking the job offer?"

"Why wouldn't he? It's huge!"

"I—"

"I need to go over there."

"Rebecca, stop. You are being irrational."

She sighed.

"You're right. This has to be big, like a huge grand gesture, if it's going to work. Will you help me?"

Spencer opened her mouth to speak "Um, I already have a lot on my plate, sorry."

Rebecca let out a disappointed sigh. "You never were the biggest romantic anyways. I'll ask Aria."

"Wait, Rebecca." Spencer stopped her, catching her at her wrist. "I don't get it" she looked up at her, with big, brown, dopey, eyes. "Everything—you were just using Noel this whole time? What about your lunch with Toby? I thought, I thought you two agreed to everything, decided to be friends."

"Well, after Toby said he thought it was better if we had are space, I had to say I was with Noel now. I had to make him jealous. And then I started to pretend-date Noel, and it's like he didn't even care, and I don't know—I guess I was just so heart broken that Toby moved on that I fell for Noel. But, it was only because of Toby. Noel was just another comforting device, he was my rebound. That's all he'll ever be to me. Toby's more. And I shouldn't have lied to him, I should have told him how I felt, and maybe it's too late, but if I don't try, then I don't know if I'll ever move on."

"Rebecca, I just don't think it's a good idea." Spencer tried to stop her.

"It may not be a good idea, but it's my only idea. I'm not letting him go to New York without me" said Rebecca, lastly, as her soft eyes fell on her friend. "Maybe you'll understand one day when you finally open your heart up to someone."

Spencer's head dropped down as a dark chuckle escaped her mouth. She couldn't resist to laugh at how ironic all of it was. "Yeah, maybe."

yo yo yo, so i totally messed with your guys' hearts, right? Wow i'm sorry.

Well i finally updated, that's a plus?

ooooOOOOOooooo

btw

yeah i am not a big fan of Nicholas Sparks/? opps?

;)