The Virgin

The library could only shield me for so long. Eventually, I did manage to drag myself into the sitting room occupied by four of my new family members. To be absolutely honest, the fear and resistance I had held for the prospect of joining the real world, of joining my family, had been stupid.

When I had joined them in the sitting room we had taken up like I hadn't been away from their eyes. Like I hadn't been hiding and isolating myself for more than the past week. Seamlessly, we had fit into the roles of bonding teenagers and in doing such, we talked.

"I'm not a virgin" I replied slightly confused as to why Alice had simply assumed that I am. I know that I had yet to hand over that portion of my life, but is the idea that I have experienced intercourse really that unthinkable?

Emmett gawked at me, confirming that yes, it is unthinkable. Edward seemed confused, but I am assuming that it is only because he isn't used to not knowing. Alice is sitting and grinning at me like a Cheshire cat, excited over the prospect of a new juicy story. Jasper simply sat, quietly amused.

"Edward is." Alice commented cheerfully and Edward rolled his eyes in response. I couldn't fathom spending a century being celibate. I took a moment to fear that might be exactly what my next hundred years will entail. Now Jasper looked confused.

The other thing I realized, besides the fact that I didn't want to go a hundred years without sex, was that I wasn't sure that I even wanted to know anything about Edward's sex life. Correcting Alice's assumption and pronouncing myself not a virgin had not been awkward to me. I am a mature, of age women who had to grow up to soon in a world that none of us had ever fully understood. Admitting that I had had sex, an occurrence which happens to be completely natural, is the least of the things I am ashamed to admit.

"Why?" I voiced. My question hadn't been hesitant, but it had followed a prolonged silence as I had examined my thoughts. I couldn't see the logic of Edward living a hundred years resisting his sexual desires. Some part of me was even a little worried that intercourse might be different for vampires then it is for humans.

Emmett was still gawking and I know he would be grinning if it weren't me. In some sense, I know that I should be cherishing this proof that he truly sees me as his baby sister.

"I haven't found the right girl." Edward's answer was simple- too simple.

I almost didn't respond. He had actually answered what I asked, but it was so hard sometimes to tell when Edward was just answering something or when his voice was meant to be dissuading. I took a step back, emotionally, from the issue. I made this no more then a matter of debate and I was pretty sure that my voice was convey as much, "It's not always about finding the right person. You only need to find a right person." I argued, because the matter wasn't simple and I didn't like that he tried to make it be.

"I believe that a person only truly falls in love once." He countered in a manner which showed that he had embraced the debating tone and which also admitted to the years of thought he had put into his belief.

"As do I." I agreed, but it was enough to volley the ball back and again it was his turn.

"Then how can you believe that there is more then one right person?" I couldn't tell if this was a challenge or an actual curious question.

Regardless, it was a question to be answered. "Which person is right varies depending on what you're looking to get out of sex. Be it a display or consummation of love, pleasure, reproduction, company, camaraderie, comfort, or for any other reason, the right person will differ."

"And when a person is looking for all of this?" These words were meant as a challenge.

"No one is ever looking for all of this, at least not at once, not in one moment." This is a sad concept, but a truthful one.

"What were you looking for?" Jasper cut in, his voice strong yet quiet. I prefer his voice to Edwards'. Edward always sounds judgmental and like he is trying to view me trough a microscope to pick me apart. Jasper's voice is caressing and comforting, like he is trying create a lasting connection with me. In doing so, he always seems to give up a little piece of himself for me to take as he learns about me.

"Comfort and experience, I didn't want to die a virgin." I admitted, this time it was more personal and when I had answered, my voice had been a bit more subdued. However, Jasper had made to change the conversation and I wasn't going to fight against him. I wasn't the one who knew what was occurring emotionally in Edward. Thus, the turn of conversation was in no way, and should never be, my call.

Unfortunately, my answer had gotten Alice eager eyed as much as it got Edward thinking more deeply. I had sounded too sure of myself for him to not think about what I said.

"Oh, which one was he?" Alice asked gleefully, but it was an unintentional dig at the fact that they hadn't read that portion of my life.

Yet, at the same time that same dig made me feel amazingly appreciative. We weren't skirting around topics and that was nice. They weren't acting like I would go running into my room if they ended up saying the wrong thing. Had they cautioned themselves, I might have run. Besides, these bits of my life I could manage to relay, at least in increments and measured tones.

"Charlie, he was Ron's older brother." They knew who Charlie was, but it felt wrong not to include the other bit.

Alice continued as if the boys weren't there. I'm not used to girl talk, but I can tell my own story. "How did that happen?" she asked in curiosity. This time she didn't sound surprised. However, there was no ignoring the fact that Charlie and I had little contact before things had started to develop.

"We were assigned a research project together." That fact was easy enough to admit. "I was so used to having to be the strong, unflinching, reassuring, mother figure, that it was nice not to have to be that person. Finally, working with Charlie, I was allowed to have fears. When talking to Charlie, I was allowed to be human." I missed those weeks of pure research and freedom. My voice, I knew, betrayed those emotions of longing, tenderness and melancholy. More then I missed the freedom and research, I missed Charlie. Being a dragon keeper, many people underestimated his intelligence, but they were wrong. I experienced his intelligence as a constant and was repeatedly reminded by glimmers of that intelligence why he had been head boy in his day.

They didn't question me on Jasper's lead and I chuckled. My emotions keep jumping and fluctuating so rapidly that none of them would even need Jasper's abilities to track or notice the alterations.

"We talked about a variety of things," I continued, "many of them including what the rest of the house feared to speak. One of the topics we ended up on frequently was death and during one of those times I admitted that I didn't want to die a virgin."

I spared them the details; well, really, I spared Emmett the details. He still looked a bit unwell. Besides, I wasn't too keen on spelling out for them what Charlie could do to make sure I wouldn't die a virgin. That was a bit too personal and something I would rather keep close.

"Charlie and I continued our relations and continued to get closer. We weren't in love, but it was real enough for us." My voice shuddered as I let the words out. "In the midst of a war we were what each other needed. We didn't broadcast it, only one person ever figure it out and a scarce few others came close. I'm not a person to shy away from physical contact, chaste kisses, lingering touches, hugs, an arm over my shoulders, cuddling on couches. I did these things with everyone and it didn't really mean anything." I shrugged, but I was missing those moments immensely. "He died a few months before the final battle. Did it properly too, saved more than a dozen of us." If my eyes could have they would be watering which was signal enough for me to stop.

"But, you did love him." Edward protested, he was still trying to make sense of his beliefs. I felt bad, I had only shared my thoughts and past. He could conclude from it what he liked.

"No. I might have, given more time; but no, I didn't love him. At least, not in the way you are referring."

"You miss him." Jasper contributed.

"I miss all of them." I replied, but I was distracted by another thought. So I embraced the change for as much my emotional state as satisfying my curiosity. "Jasper, does your power work by you feeling what someone else is feeling or by you reading what a person is feeling?"

"That depends on how close to a person I am."

"Then I may owe you an apology."

"Accepted," he offered without thought, but his tone made it clear that it hadn't been necessary.

I laughed, Alice laughed, and the boys watched us in confusion. Emmett joined us laughing because sometimes a person just needs to laugh. It took us a while to stop, but we didn't need to regain our breaths.

The five of us had gone through enough topics; the virgin topic had only been one of many. Emmett eventually put on some gore filled guy movie. Twenty minutes into it I laid my legs across Edward's lap. Because even though he reminds me of a young Tom Riddle, I'll be damned if I let a memory make me feel unease around my brother.