A/N - I took a break from this series for awhile, but I am now committed to making my way through Season 8 from now through the month of December. Thanks on this and all future chapters to MidKnight Rider for the beta.
Takes place during the events of New Order. Rated T.
She had always done what she was supposed to do, what was expected of her. Despite their somewhat estranged relationship, she had followed in her father's footsteps, enrolling in the Air Force Academy, majoring in astrophysics, and graduating at the top of her class. She quickly became both a decorated pilot and the foremost expert on Earth's Stargate program, ultimately serving on its flagship team.
She was able to do these things because she had an extremely logical mind and a high degree of self discipline. That self discipline had served her well over the course of her military career. Just as it had served him.
But then she had almost died, and his self discipline failed him.
She was never supposed to sleep with him. She knew when it began that it was illogical to engage in a relationship with a superior officer. So they had terminated their affair, and it had been painful, but through the exercise of that same self discipline upon which she had so heavily relied over the course of her short life, she had resolved to move on. After all, that was what she was supposed to do. She had found a nice man, and that was also what she was supposed to do. Her world was logical again.
But then he had almost died, and her self discipline failed her.
She was never supposed to go to his house, never supposed to fall into his arms, never supposed to make love to him with unrestrained passion not two steps inside his front door. She was never, ever supposed to let emotion override logic.
She knew immediately she had made a mistake that necessitated correction. So she put as much distance between them as possible until she was certain she could rely on her self discipline once again. That had been painful too, perhaps as much for him as for her.
She didn't tell the nice man. She didn't tell him because she knew that if she simply exercised the requisite degree of self discipline, she could fall in love with the nice man instead, which, of course, was what she was supposed to do. And there was no need to hurt the nice man. It wouldn't be logical.
But then he was dying, and she felt her self discipline slipping yet again.
She was never supposed to go to his house, especially considering things between them had been strained since she had left him bleeding on his doorstep. It wasn't logical to want to confess her feelings for him, especially since she was with the nice man now.
And yet, as though fate itself recognized the ill-advised nature of her plan, she was prevented from carrying it out - first by the unexpected arrival of her teammates, and much later by her commanding officer himself who, though he appeared to be losing his mind, professed that somehow he already knew.
His reaction left her confused and frustrated, so she resolved to put her feelings for him aside and concentrate on the task at hand - saving her planet. Relying once again on her extreme self discipline, she pushed thoughts of his deteriorating health to the back of her mind and, with the help of her team, accomplished the goal.
But then he died, or at least seemingly so, and her self discipline shattered into a million jagged pieces, like ice dropped on the hard surface of the chamber in which he'd been entombed.
For days she lived with the unbearable pain of losing him. No one could ease her suffering - not her supervisor, not her teammates, and especially not the nice man. The only thing that gave her hope was the thought that somehow she might be able to save him. So she abandoned self discipline, she abandoned logic, and she refused to do what she was supposed to do.
And that, of course, was what had brought her here.
...
Fifth withdrew his hand from Samantha Carter's head and watched dispassionately as she fell to the floor weeping. He cocked his head slightly to one side as he considered what he had learned from probing her mind.
She wasn't supposed to love her commanding officer. Doing so demonstrated a complete lack of self discipline. It was painful to love him, and it defied logic to desire pain. Fifth understood that.
Fifth also knew that, like him, she valued logic and self discipline perhaps above all else. He knew that, ultimately, she would always do what she was supposed to do, what was expected of her. Fifth understood that, too.
So when he pulled Samantha Carter up off the floor and inserted his hand back into her head, Fifth knew exactly which identity he needed to assume.
It was the only logical choice.