Summary: Karofsky's pled guilty but the fallout of his conviction sends tidal waves through McKinley High. It's hard enough to deal with the fallout, but it's even harder when no one knows just how far Karofsky's friends will go for revenge. Sequel to Invisible.
Warning: Mentions of non-con and swearing; as per usual.
A/N: This one's a bit shorter than some of the previous, but it's still over 2800 words in content! Also there's another song in this chapter but I felt it fit so well with a few minor lyrical changes. Enjoy!
Chapter 14 - Innocent
"Hey, um Hummel," Azimio stood there on his doorstep looking remarkably out of place and uncomfortable.
"I have a first name you know," Kurt said in a quiet voice, lifting his head to look at the football jock with defiance shining brightly in his eyes. "It's Kurt; you mind using it?"
"Sorry, um, Kurt," he surprised the other boy by actually conceding and shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.
"I guess you decided you wanted your letterman jacket back after all?" Kurt asked, beckoning the boy inside his house with one hand and automatically going to the closet.
"No, actually," Azimio told him, "I came here to talk to you."
Kurt stared at him for a long moment, "What do you want to talk to the school fag about?"
"Don't call yourself that," Azimio growled at him suddenly and Kurt just stared at him in shock. Out of everyone, Azimio was the last person he'd ever expected to tell him off for calling himself a fag. "Look I wanted to talk to you about that PFLAG thing you talked about when you were testifying or whatever."
"You were there?" Kurt asked, not remembering seeing him in the courtroom at all.
"I was in the back, on the defense side," Azimio explained with a bit of a shrug. "It was before I realized that he actually did it. I mean I probably could have handled it if he was just gay, since he was my best friend and all, but-" He paused for a moment before getting himself back on track, "So that PFLAG thing, you said it educated people; like not just gay people but their friends and family too, right?"
"Well yeah," Kurt furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Azimio questioningly, "What about it?"
"Look the stuff with Dave and the football team and what they did to you and your- Blaine- it made me realize some shit; like that words and shit can be really hurtful and um- so can ignorance. Before I guess I just didn't understand and that made me hate you and you know, hate leads to bad shit happening, like what happened with Dave and the football team." It was the longest two sentences Azimio had ever spoken to him and he was totally taken aback by the content of it.
"What do you want me to do about it?" Kurt asked in a soft voice.
"I don't know; make people – make me – understand. I know you don't have anyone to help you start up that PFLAG thing, but if you told me what to do I could help or something. I don't want to be that kid anymore; the one I've been for the past few years. I want to be somebody who's like good and useful, not the best friend of a rapist, you know? I want to be someone who's, um, worth being around or, um, with."
"That's great," Kurt murmured thickly. "It's great that you've decided to give up bullying and want to better yourself, but I can't help you. I just- I can't handle it right now. I'm sorry, but you'll have to find someone else."
Kurt pulled the letterman jacket out of the closet and thrust it at him, "Here. Let's just pretend this is what you came for, okay? I just can't do this right now."
Azimio looked at Kurt, then to the jacket. He could see that the slight boy was trembling slightly and realized that he was partly to blame for it. He'd always be a reminder of what happened; the ex-best friend of the guy who raped him and no matter how well-meaning he could become or how much he could change how he acted or who he was, that fact would never change. Maybe he hadn't committed the crime, but he certainly wasn't innocent.
If anything he wished he could forget David Karofsky ever existed and he knew irrevocably that the boy in front of him felt the same.
He nodded his head shortly in understanding as he took the jacket into his hands. He would burn it later. "Okay. Bye Kurt."
"Bye."
Rachel sat on a porch swing in her backyard and looked over to her side. Finn was sitting there looking pensive and seemed to be waiting for her to say something. Their silence hung in the air, thick and awkward, and all she could hear was the sound of a small bird chirping at the feeder hung from one of the trees and the distant sound of cars that drove past the front of her house. "So," she said finally, a small smile finding her face as she looked over at him, "This is awkward."
Finn let out a little chuckle and looked over to her, "Yeah, just a little." He scratched the back of his head. If we're going to make this work- I think we might have to talk to each other."
She let out a small sound of amusement. "I think you might be right about that."
Finn paused, turning serious, "I just- It's hard when I still don't really know where we stand. I mean I know that I love you and that you're not totally pissed at me anymore, but I don't know what we are."
"I love you too Finn," she murmured softly, her small hand reaching over and slipping inside his. "And I kind of thought you were my boyfriend."
A childlike grin grew over his face, "Really? You're taking me back?"
She laughed at him softly and leaned up to kiss him chastely on the lips, "I thought that's what we decided yesterday; that we'd get back together and work at it."
A puff of breath escaped Finn's mouth in relief, "I'm so glad. I thought I screwed things up for good." He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. "I promise you right now Rachel, that- that I'll listen before I freak out- no, that's not right." He paused, "that I won't freak out. What I mean to say is I won't get scary anymore. I don't want to scare you. I love you."
She leaned her head against him, "I love you too." She took a few calm breaths just taking in her surroundings and the warm comfort of his body close to hers. "You did scare me Finn, but I forgive you; this time."
"There won't be a next time-" he stopped when he heard footsteps and they both looked up to see a short boy walking towards them looking somewhat out of his comfort zone.
Of course the last time Blaine Anderson had been there he'd made a complete and total fool of himself; and kissed Rachel. Of course that had been in the basement, not the backyard. "Um hey guys. Finn, Burt told me you'd be here. I need to talk to you."
"It's kind of a bad time Dude," Finn motioned to Rachel slightly. "I just made up with my girlfriend."
"Congrats," Blaine smiled weakly, before telling Finn in a quiet voice. "It's Kurt. I'm worried about him."
Both Finn and Rachel frowned at him, before Finn asked, his voice laced with concern, "What do you mean?"
"He might hate me for this," Blaine let out in a mumble, "but I feel like it's important and honestly I don't think I could go to Burt with this, but I have to go to someone, you know?"
Finn frowned more deeply and Rachel sat up straighter before Finn asked his brother's boyfriend, "Blaine, tell me what's going on."
"Do you know that Kurt feels worthless?" Blaine asked after a moment.
"I-," Finn pressed his lips together, before saying in a quiet voice, "Well he said something about feeling like he's a burden or something like that, but I told him he's not."
"I don't think he believed you," Blaine murmured as he let his feet carry him across the grass until he was a few feet away from the couple. He chewed his lower lip softly, "He told me yesterday that he felt worthless and-" he shook his head, "He really took what that Kevin kid said to heart."
Finn frowned even deeper, if that was at all possible, "What exactly did Kevin say?"
"He called him a slut," Blaine all but whispered.
"What?" Finn's fists clenched tightly, but he forced himself to release some of that tension while Blaine continued. Rachel just listened silently, her eyes starting to shine and her lips pursing together.
"Kurt- well- I think everything- those feelings and what Kevin said- made him think that having sex would make him feel worth something, or that it would make things better. I don't know. He said something about normal sex, or real sex and wanting to know what it's like. I- I think I convinced him that sex wasn't the answer, but I'm terrified." He swallowed thickly, "I'm terrified that he's never going to feel normal again; that I'm not going to be enough to make things better for him. The worst part is I know I'm not enough, but Kurt- he doesn't go to anyone else with these things. I mean, he goes to you, but-" he shook his head. "I don't know. I just- I thought you needed to know the extent of the worthlessness he feels. I didn't even know how bad it was until he came to me asking to- well you know."
Finn's mouth dropped open softly, "I had no idea it was that bad."
"He's struggling," Blaine stated quietly.
"I knew that," Finn mumbled defensively, "I just thought- he seemed to be dealing okay."
"Well obviously he was pretending," Rachel finally spoke up with a sigh. "Honestly boys are so clueless. Don't you guys get it? If he feels like a burden he's not going to go telling everyone his problems. He's going to internalize them to try and protect everyone from it." She shook her head, "Kurt's a very private person. He finds it hard to ask for help, or accept it when it's offered."
"Kay, so what do we do?" Finn asked after a moment of silence, looking between Rachel and Blaine.
Rachel seemed to mull it over in her mind for a long minute, before saying carefully. "We use logic." She gave a small smile, "There's no denying that he's dealing with a lot, but if he leans on all his friends then no one's going to be overwhelmed when they support him. We just have to convince him to share the load."
"Okay," Blaine spoke slowly, "and how do we do that."
She looked at both boys carefully, before saying in a firm voice, "You leave that part to me."
"Um," Rachel sounded unsure of herself as she stepped up in front of Kurt's bed and clasped his hand quietly. "I just- I know that school's over and the glee club doesn't get together a lot anymore, but I wanted to make sure you know that I'm still here for you, okay?"
Kurt stared at her for a long moment, speaking thickly, "I know Rachel."
"I don't think you do," she shook her head with a whisper. "If you knew you'd call me when you need someone. You don't call me Kurt and I know you don't call Mercedes. You can talk to me, you know? Maybe I don't understand, but that doesn't change that I can listen."
"I know you feel like you can't burden us with what you're going through," she said in a quiet voice and noticing how he winced at the word 'burden'. "What you have to remember is that like picking up something heavy; the more people who help, the easier it is."
He bit down on his lip, not speaking.
"Listen to me Kurt," she pleaded softly, "This is affecting us too. Not in the same way of course, but it kills me to see you hurting and I know it's killing the others too. I- we need you to know that there's still more to this; more to life than just getting through each day. There's healing."
"It hurts."
"I know," she murmured, sinking into a sitting position beside him and allowing his head to lean into her shoulder. "Getting past it is probably going to hurt. Sometimes healing hurts more than what happened in the first place-"
"I don't think anything could hurt more than that," Kurt corrected in a hoarse voice.
"I guess in this case, you're right," she agreed quietly.
"I don't know what to do Rachel," he admitted in a quiet voice. "I don't know how to deal with this. I guess the stuff with Dr. MacLeod helps, but I still can't shake it."
"Shake what?"
"The feeling that I'll never feel any better than this," he answered morosely, "That pain is all there is. My mom died then the bullying and then Karofsky and now- this. It's like I'm not even living, just surviving."
"There's more," she promised, her heart clenching slightly at the sight of one of her closest friends in so much pain and confusion. "You know there's more. I mean, Blaine makes you happy, doesn't he?"
He smiled wanly, "Yeah."
"There you go," she told him carefully. She licked her lips anxiously, "Kurt there's more to this. I know there is. There has to be."
"How do you know?"
"I don't know," she said honestly, "I just do."
"I wish I could believe in that too."
She didn't answer him back in regular words, instead when she opened her mouth they floated from it in a soft melody.
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent
There's some things you can't speak of
But at night you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would see what you know now then
Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
seventeen, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to
Be brand new
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
seventeen, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
Lost your balance on a tight rope
Never too late to get it back
(Innocent by Taylor Swift)
"You're right," she told him once she finished, seeing the tears that were growing in his eyes, "You are surviving and for now, that's good because that means you're a survivor. Someday Kurt, someday you're going to do more than just survive. You're going to live and you're going to be happy, I know it." Her own cheeks grew wet as she spoke the words, hugging her friend close.
"You think so?"
"I know so," she said in a firm voice. "I know you Kurt. You're strong and you've got so many people who love you. You're going to get through this. That's a promise. You just need to trust your friends a little more Kurt. It's not going to hurt you to lean on us and it's not going to hurt us either. We just want to be there for you and trust me when I say I'm talking for the entire Glee club here."
"You know," he spoke thickly after a moment, looking at the floor, "I don't feel much like a survivor. I still feel like a victim."
"You are a survivor," Rachel repeated importantly. "You were victimized Kurt, but you're only a victim for as long as you let yourself be."
"So," he said with difficultly, as if trying to wrap his head around her words, "I was victimized, but I'm not a victim?"
"You'll get there anyways," she promised, giving him a friendly kiss on the cheek, "Right now you're kind of both, I think. You'll be a survivor soon though. I can tell, but you need to let your friends back in Kurt, please."
Rachel let out a sigh of relief when Kurt's arms squeezed around her tightly, "Okay. I'll try."
A/N: Wow I've been so busy lately. I may even need to postpone a week of updating so that I can finish some big papers for my classes in University. I will try my best to get one up for next Friday, but if I can't then you can expect a update on Monday October 24 instead (my reading week will have started by then) and then another on the Friday of that week. Hopefully then I'll get back on track with updates. Sorry about that!
Please leave me a review! You know I love them.
P.S. Just a little sneak peek: Kurt may not be happy about what Blaine told the others if/when he finds out!