In tense, stifling silence, Dean found himself leaning his back against the door of his baby with Cas standing precariously beside him, as far away from the hunter as the leash would allow without strain on either part. Time slowed to an unbearable speed that was suffocating both them: Dream from barely contained panic and Cas from intolerable guilt and regret.
Cas had done many unforgivable things in the past, things that still haunted him and those around him, but those mistakes had been made from misguided, but good intentions. It was that sense of good intentions that allowed the angel to keep moving on, and had Dean eventually welcoming him back into the fold of the Winchester family, no matter how angry he was at his friend.
This was something entirely different. What had transpired between them, the trauma that now racked Dean to a state of silent turmoil, had happened because Cas had been ignorant of his friend's uncharacteristic behavior and selfish in going after what he wanted.
Moment continued to pass in stillness. The atmosphere in the garage was staunch with distress and self-depreciation.
Cas gave an uneasy glance down at the hunter. There was no anger or that fighting fury that the man was so well known for, and that was what made that situation that more worrisome. It was when Dean was silent that those around him truly had something to worry about, because it meant one of two things. Either it was the calm before the raging storm, or he was wallowing into a depression that would be too deep to securely get him out of.
This was usually when Dean would succumb to the end of a bottle for all the wrong reasons, push away those that he loved and who loved him in return, and go off on dangerous cases with little care for his well-being.
Cas couldn't fathom what Dean would do now that he didn't have the chance to down his usual self-destructive route, and there was a part of the angel that, while he was relieved that the hunter wouldn't harm himself in these times, was apprehensive about what unpredictable thing Dean would do instead. Still chained to Castiel, the current object of his crushing self worth and will, there was no telling what the man would do in his spiral of hatred and panic.
All he would have to do was wait and act accordingly to whatever Dean decided to do.
As an angel, Cas was hardly a good judgement of time. Seconds passes by too slowly, a human minute unbearably long compared to the indistinguishable time of Heaven. What he did know was that they had been in the garage, stuck in suffocating silence, long enough that Sam was now pacing a few feet from the door, anxiously fighting back the urge to check in on his brother. Knowing that if they stayed much longer that Sam would plow through the door with bull headed determination - the type of stubbornness that he was sure the younger brother had gained from watching over Dean in their younger years -, and knowing that the prescience of his little brother would not help Dean's state of mind, Cas had to break the tension somehow. Even if that meant he'd be using the wrong words and/or insuring the hunter's rage.
"I'm sorry Dean," the powerful, ancient voice of the angel sounded defeated and sincerely miserable, as it often did when he believed that he had disappointed his adored human. "I didn't know. You have to believe me. I would never take away your free will. It is one of the things about you that I…"
"I know," Dean cut him off, stiffening at his words. Cas had prepared himself for the barrage of rants and insults, or the possible physical altercation. This time he would gladly accept the verbal or physical beatings, knowing that he deserved it. To his surprise, Dean too a deep breath to sigh out softly, "I know it's not your fault Cas."
Though the statement came as a reassurance, it was also disheartening. It was like Dena had accepted his loss of free will in this and was on his way to losing his will in general. The reaction was so unlike Dean that Cas worried that lasting effects had been put into play.
"And I promise you, we are going to hunt down my brother and fix this."
"Yea, I know we will," but despite what he was saying, he didn't sound confident. That, or he didn't have the energy to care about it at this particular moment.
Unsurely, Cas tried to speak again in an attempt to get rouse Dean from his prone state against the impala. "Dean, Sam is just outside the door. He is thinking about coming in to se if you're okay."
At his feet, Dean gave another deep, laboring sigh before finally pushing himself up. Within a second, the mask of steeliness replaced the expression of defeat.
When Cas knew for certain that Dean was prepared to face his brother, they started their way back into the bunker. As Cas had senses, Sam was just on the other side, pacing and looking worried. "Dean. Cas." Though he was aware of the tension that still persisted between them, he looked relieved that they had finally come out. Forcing aside the awkwardness of knowing the leash's full extent on Dean, Sam stated evenly, "Rowena's ready to track Ishim when you are."
Cas nodded in understanding and determination. Taking an almost non-existent lead, he walked slowly into the library where the witch was perusing the bookshelves. "Exactly what do I need to do?"
"Just call out to him. Try to keep in contact long enough for me to get a sense of where he is. Once I get an energy signature on him, I can lead you to wherever he ends up going." She paused in thought. "Unless he goes to Heaven. Then I can't help you."
"No. He would not return to Heaven. He'd be too obsessed with Lily to leave now that she had made a reappearance in his life." For Cas knew his brother, always fixated on tying up loose ends before moving on.
"Right." Cas closed his eyes to prepare himself to establish a connection with his misguided brother. Ishim, he thought, or more appropriately, prayed. Ishim. No response came back.
He wondered how the connection had gone through the last time. What had he done? What had Ishim done?
It had been an accident last time, hadn't it? The result of Ishim's ploys, manipulating the small link he could manage through the cursed chains. Irritated, because he knew Ishim could hear his prayers, he opened his eyes to see Dean watching him intently while the other two busied themselves at the table. "Would you mind if we sit down?"
Dean rose an eyebrow. "You think it will help?"
"Possibly. I can't seem to relax."
"Right. Yea. Of course." So they took a seat on the other end of the table from Rowena and Sam and Cas tried again.
Gathering his thoughts and the fuel needed to confront Ishim, he prayed angrily, I do not appreciate this Brother. Making Dean like this. To have to deal with this. After all that the Winchesters already dealt with, Ishim's 'prank' was too much.
Laughter echoed in his head, Ishim's cruel response. Come now, Castiel. You enjoyed it.
No, Cas denied vehemently, glad that Dean could hear their mental conversation. I have already told you that is not how I want my bond with Dean to be like.
Ishim sneered, Your bond? What bond? The one that made the nightly Castiel fall so far from Heaven? I told you before, humans have a way of making us weak. Best to put them in their place before that happens. Or in your case, since you've already fallen face first in the mud with these monkeys, the least that can be done is punish those that dared belittle the power of an Angel of the Lord.
No, Cas stated again with resolved. You have it wrong. Dean does not deserve to be punished. A fact he wholeheartedly believed, no matter what the aggressive, impulsive hunter got himself into. I may have fallen, but it wasn't because of him. It was my own choices. My own misguidance that led me astray, just as it had been yours.
He hoped Rowena would have that tracking spell completed soon, not wanting to participate in the conversation any longer than he had to.
It was because of them! Ishim shouted back in venom. Really Castiel, how pathetic can you be? To be so blinded in your obsession over this 'human' that you can't even see his flaws and wrongdoings.
That's not true. I see him for exactly who he is: a nearly broken, alcoholic man with anger issues who can be obnoxious, selfish, and idiotic. He has tortured souls in Hell, has made one bad deal after another. Had hurt those closest to him, and has too much to apologize for. He realized he was ranting, getting upset as he kept going, and he had to force himself to stop. I know his flaws.
It didn't matter what others thought about his loyalty to the Winchesters, specifically Dean, and whatever or not he had traded in his devoted to his father to the Righteous Man. The truth was, Cas had always been acutely aware of Dean's rough spots, but the hunter had always done or said something to show the angel that he so much more than those hard edges. That, and Dean's soul burned so bright, that no matter what happened, he just kept shining.
But I also know him to be passionate, righteous, the most loyal being in the universe, and protective. Not to mention the other things about Dean that made him Dean, the music, the jokes, the grins, the flirting.
From the other side of the mental link Cas could feel Ishim's disapproval, so strong that it had long ago turned to loathing. Angry now by how Cas continued to defend the hunter, he sneered, I'm past caring about what you think you 'feel', he used the word like a curse, Either you accept my gracious gift brother, or I'll be happy to see the mud monkey dead for all the harm he has caused you and our kind.
Before Cas retaliated with equal anger - never one to allow a threat towards a Winchester go off to the side - he was being roused back to awareness. "Rowena's got the link."