Perdido, my heart ever since is Perdido
I know I must go to Torito
To find what I lost perdido
High was the sun when I held him close
Low was the moon when we said adios
Perdido, goodnight perdido
I lost perdido.
Perdido, Duke Ellington and Charles Mingus, 1941
Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight or any of the characters from the Saga. Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended. This work, and the original ideas presented therein, is the sole property of this author.
Thanks again go to Belle Dean, ikss, swimom7, and bookjunkie1975. They make my words pretty and my grammar banging. ;)
BPOV
Wednesday August 4, 1920
"Have you finished with the china, Bella? I thought we could have a light lunch together."
Rose's voice pulled me out of my brooding thoughts and I realized I had been polishing the same piece of flatware for the past five minutes. I put the spoon down hard into the drawer, causing the neat stack to topple. I looked at the once perfect stack of spoons and they swam before my eyes. Ruined.
I felt the soft bulge of Rose's stomach press against my back as she came up behind me and put her hands on my shoulder. Her gentle touch only made the reluctant tears fall faster and harder.
"When does she leave, baby?" Rose asked, leaning her head on my shoulder.
"Friday, a week. On the thir-thirteenth."
I stuttered as I spoke. I never stuttered and it made me angry just to hear it. Alice wouldn't like all of this fussing I was doing over her leaving. She'd wave her hands in the air and shake her head at me, telling me I was being foolishly morbid about the whole affair. But that was Alice. She never saw anything in life except possibility.
"Come on then. The dishes can wait. I've made soup for us and some bread."
Rose kept her arm around me as we walked through her house toward the kitchen. The surfaces of all her tables and fine things shone with the care she gave them. I was very little help to her after all, mostly company during the long days she spent alone while Emmett was at work. I stubbornly insisted on chores to do while I was there, but Rose always found only the littlest things for me to do and always found an excuse to be near me as I completed my tasks.
She was brash and sometimes crude, but she was ever so funny. I had to laugh when she would tell me stories about her and Emmett's courting days and the places that Em thought fit to take her. She smiled often and patted her belly, so content in the life she had. She made me happy just being near her.
I tried to help her get the bowls and plates for our lunch, but she shooed me over to the table and made me sit quietly while she ladled out the rich, creamy soup she had made.
"Potato is your favorite, right Bella?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes," I said, wiping my eyes with a napkin. "Yours is the best I've had, Rose."
"I'll have to give you my recipe before you and Edward get hitched. I'm sure he'll enjoy it at as well."
I looked down shyly at the mention of Edward and marriage in the same sentence. As happy as I was visiting with Rose, I still felt somewhat uncomfortable confiding in her. I knew she would never break my confidences, but … she wasn't my sister. Nothing would replace the bond that Alice and I had forged over nearly seventeen years together, no matter how kind Rose was to me.
"I would appreciate that," I said quietly. "How have you been feeling, Rose? I forgot to ask when I arrived."
"Oh, fine. The little budger sleeps like his father, that's for sure. Constantly rolling from side to side and kneeing me in all my delicate parts."
"That must be terribly uncomfortable," I remarked as she set down the soup and eased herself carefully down into one of the chairs.
She was probably about six months along now, but she managed to remain graceful even as her stomach continued to expand.
"Actually, I find it reassuring." Rose picked up her spoon and held it in the air for a moment. "If he's moving, I know he's doing okay. It's the only sign I have really."
"I hadn't thought of it like that," I said as she placed her hand fondly over her stomach.
"Bella, I wanted to speak to you about something," Rose said after a few moments had passed.
I looked up at her expectantly, wondering if she would need me to run errands with her or whether there was something in particular she was in need of.
"Have you talked with Alice about this impending move?" she asked.
"Well, yes," I said, and then frowned. "A bit. I know the vague details of her plans and where she'll be staying. Uncle Carlisle has distant relatives that she'll be living with while she attends the college."
"I meant … have you spoken to her about Jasper and what his plans are regarding her leaving?"
Rose's forehead was pinched in an expression of deep thought as she contemplated her brother. I had been thinking of Jasper often as well. Alice spent every moment that she could with him in the weeks leading up to her departure, but she didn't offer much in the way of explanation when I asked how he was handling the situation.
"Oh, Jasper handles things in his own way," Alice said as she rubbed a towel through her short hair. "He's taking it all in stride."
"He isn't the least bit upset with you?" I asked, sitting in my nightclothes while she finished getting ready for bed.
"Why would he be upset with me?" she asked with a smile. "We discussed this for a long time. We've both agreed that it is in my best interest to go."
"What about him, Alice? Is it in his best interest to let you go?"
She looked at me levelly for a moment and I realized then that it had never crossed her mind to stay. Even if Jasper had thrown a great fit and begged her to stay, she was determined to go, despite anyone's objections.
"Jasper knows I'll come back to him," she said after a moment. "He says that's all he needs to know, after all."
It hadn't made sense to me at the time and it still didn't make sense to me. Edward would be heartbroken at the thought of me leaving and studying even a few hundred miles away. And the thought of Edward heartbroken caused an immediate and corollary pain in my chest. I couldn't bear to leave him. An entire ocean was going to be between Alice and Jasper for nearly two years and I found it hard to believe that he was just silently accepting of this.
"Has Jasper said anything to you?" I asked, avoiding her question.
"Here and there, bits and pieces," she said, dipping the bread in and out of her soup and not eating a bite. "I'm worried about him, Bella."
"I am too," I replied, and reached my hand over to squeeze hers.
She smiled at me and nodded.
"He told me that he was happy with Alice's decision and that, in the end, it would be best for both of them. Still, there was a sadness in his eyes when he talked about it. I don't like it."
"I think Alice is sad too," I said, shrugging, "but she is also terribly excited. I don't think she can imagine not going on this adventure."
Rose shook her head and laughed.
"No, I don't suppose she can. And I don't begrudge her the excitement of it either. This is the type of life that Alice is meant for. It isn't for you or I though, is it?"
She looked over at me fondly, and I felt the bonds of kinship forming with her. Rose saw me as an equal, a friend. But in the back of my head, a little voice whispered that I was thinking about going to college, at Edward's urging. Didn't that make me more like Alice? I suddenly felt worried that Rose would be disappointed. I cared for Rose and respected her opinion. Taking a deep breath, I began plucking up the courage to confide in her about the choices laid in front of me.
"Bella, you seem upset." Rose looked at me with furrowed brows. "Is something the matter?"
"Rose, may I ask you something?" I put my spoon down carefully and studied the creamy, peppered surface of the potato soup in my bowl.
"Anything, love. Anything at all."
"Edward has suggested that I might enjoy studying literature at one of the Seven Sisters. I have to admit, it's a tempting proposition that I had never considered before he mentioned it."
I looked up to see Rose smiling at me, urging me to continue. It took me off guard for a moment, because I had expected to see either disappointment or confusion on her face. I took a deep breath and laced my fingers together on my lap.
"I love writing. Ever since I could hold a pencil, writing provided me an escape like nothing else before. I thought … well, I never thought I'd ever be able to do more with writing than fill up journals. Now … there's a world of possibilities."
"It's left you confused?" Rose asked, patting my clasped hands.
"More than anything."
"Have you mentioned your confusion to Edward?" she asked.
"Certainly, but he doesn't understand," I said, shaking my head and smiling fondly as I remembered Edward's obstinate rebuttals to all of my worries. "How could he? For him, it's as easy as switching schools to be near me. But he doesn't understand …"
I paused, trying to put into words all of the numerous things that had gone through my mind since Edward had brought up the issue.
"I think I might understand," Rose said gently. I nodded for her to continue. "I never liked school, Bella. It was something I did because all girls of my age and social status did it. At the first opportunity, I left. It's a bit different for you, isn't it? You really enjoy school. It doesn't mean you love Edward any less."
"No, of course not …" I interrupted, but Rose held her hand up.
"Let me finish. You're concerned, though, because you have a vision in your head of the way it is supposed to go. Edward finishes his schooling, graduates with his degree, and then he buys you both a little house and you settle down to raise his family. Do I have it right so far?"
I nodded, smiling at the thought of his family. I did like that part very much.
"There's only one problem with that. You've only been thinking about him. It seems he's been thinking about both of you and maybe it's time to adjust your picture of how things are supposed to go."
"But if I do this, it will delay our wedding and I will need to leave Chicago," I said, frustrated. "I don't want either of those things. But … part of me does want to study more."
Rose grew quiet, thinking as she ate. She motioned for me to eat up and I did so. After a few moments, she dropped her spoon and looked up at me excitedly.
"What about correspondence school?" she asked, her cheeks rising with color. "A friend of mine did that after high school through a quite reputable school. You'd do all of your work and studies here, at home with your aunt and uncle … or your husband." Rose winked conspiratorially. "And you'll still get all of the benefits of an education. It's the perfect solution!"
"Correspondence school …" I said slowly, trying out the words for size. "But … when would I have the time for such things? If, as I imagine, Edward and I will be married when he is done with school, I'll still have at least two years of school left. How will I manage to keep a house and husband satisfied if I still have school work to attend to?"
"Shouldn't be difficult if the husband in question is Edward," Rose said in sing-song.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that he wants this for you," she said. "If you find a compromise that keeps you both in Chicago and lets you pursue your writing, don't you think he will do everything in his power to make the dream come true for you? Besides, that's part of the appeal of correspondence school … you can go at your own pace. Take only a course at a time if you'd like."
I thought about it. I could have everything? College, Edward, and my family? It didn't seem real.
"Why do you look so skeptical?" Rose asked.
"It seems so … easy. I guess I never dreamed that getting so much could ever be easy. I thought I would have to sacrifice something."
"Oh, honey, but you are!"
"I am? Or, I would be?"
"Naturally. You'd be sacrificing your idea of what is traditional in favor of something completely different. Do you think you're up to that?"
I frowned and looked down at my hands. My once pale white arms were turning honey brown with all of the sun I had been getting. What would mother say of you now, little Bella? She'd call me a harlot, that's what she'd do. Parading around town in short sleeves and short skirts, talking and laughing loudly and in public with friends, out with a boy without a chaperone? These were the actions of a hussy … or a woman with no class.
But did I believe that anymore? Did I truly believe that my dress, or the way I laughed determined my breeding or social status? Did I think that Aunt Esme, perhaps the classiest woman I had ever met, was somehow lowbrow because she wore pants and cut her hair? Or did I think my own sister was less cultured than Lauren Mallory because she was going off on her own to Paris to follow her dream?
No. I didn't believe that at all.
"My mother was wrong," I whispered more to myself than to Rose. "Not just about some of it. She was wrong in every way imaginable. And I based my life on what she taught us. But it was all … nonsense! Just words and … and … opinions!" I looked up and shook my head at her. "Rose, she didn't know anything!"
My voice had risen into a high, bell-like tenor as I became angrier. At first, I was angry with my mother, but then I realized there was more to it. I was angry at myself. I had wasted precious time with my sister that ought to have been sent in harmony; instead, I spread discord. All the time I spent arguing with her and convincing myself that she was wrong, I could have been living and learning. I didn't believe that Alice was necessarily always right, but I hadn't given enough credence to the things she tried to tell me.
"Honey, she knew what she was raised to know …" Rose said gently.
"No!" I cried. "Aunt Esme was raised in the same house as she was; that isn't an excuse. She knew what she let herself know. What she was comfortable knowing. God! Alice was right all along!"
Rose patted my hand and sat quietly as my realization continued to wash over me. How could I have been so blind to what my mother really was? How could I have let myself be so deluded for so long? She wasn't infallible; far from it, if truth be told. She was human and frail and … mean. My mother was mean.
"Rose, I need to go home," I said quickly, looking up through my tears. "I – I need to see my sister."
"Of course," Rose said, continuing to gently rub my hand. "Shall I walk with you?"
"No, I'll be fine. It's just a few blocks and I think the walk will clear my head."
"You're certain? You've worried me."
"I'm sorry, Rose. It's just that all this time I've been thinking that my mother gave me something of value when in reality she'd just filled my head with a bunch of nonsense that has stopped me from enjoying life for so long. Have you any idea how long I've been chastising myself about how I feel for Edward? About the way he makes me feel?"
Rose nodded and smiled sadly.
"I might know a great deal more about it than you'd think, Bella. We'll talk about it sometime," she said with a smile, "compare notes, if you will. But go … you're wanting your sister now, I think."
"Yes," I said, nodding vigorously. "Yes, I am."
I began my walk home in a state of utter distraction. My mind was a whirl of warring emotions and thoughts. On the one hand, I hesitated to throw everything I'd believed in away in favor of my sister's rather cavalier ideas. The rational side of me knew that I would never be comfortable with some of her overly-modern ideals. But the little voice within me, the voice that had been growing stronger every second that I walked down the hot sidewalk, that part of me was curious to see what rules I could safely challenge without losing my own identity.
I realized quickly that what had angered my so much was not time wasted on ideals I didn't or shouldn't believe in; rather, it was time wasted being someone I shouldn't have been. I had spent most of my life trying to be someone I was not. Writing … education … those things appealed to me so strongly because they were things that belonged only to me; they had nothing to do with Mother. The desire to pursue these things was really my desire to break out of the mold I had long since outgrown. I was smart enough to know that I needed to go slow.
Understanding these things about myself filled me with a rush of possibility. While I would never have the desire to leave my family or Edward and study overseas like Alice, I would enjoy pursuing my education further. And while I might never write for a newspaper or publish a book, I would endeavor to be less reserved with my thoughts and opinions. If Edward and my family valued them, I ought to do the same. The knowledge that I could do these things filled me with a sense of power and growth. I wondered if this was the excitement that ran through Alice when she realized her dream of going to Paris was coming true.
I arrived home and flew up the stairs without even stopping to say hello to Uncle Carlisle who was in his study. When I reached our room, my face was covered in perspiration and my cheeks were flushed with color.
"Alice!" I called out. "Alice, you have to be home! Where are you?"
"Bella? Is that you?"
Aunt Esme's muffled voice called to me out of the closet. When she emerged, dresses and slacks thrown over her shoulder, her short hair was a bit mussed. There was no doubt in my mind that my excited voice had caused her surprise.
"I'm sorry to have surprised you," I said, running a hand through my hair. "I was looking for Alice; is she here?"
"She stepped out to run some things to the seamstress," Aunt Esme said, holding a pair of slacks out in front of her and eyeing them critically. "I expect her back any second. Is anything wrong?"
"Wrong?" I asked, laughter bubbling up in my throat. "No, I think things may be right for the first time in a long while, actually."
Aunt Esme's hands dropped slowly down as she eyed me carefully. She was sizing me up. I watched as her eyes darted quickly to my left hand and then back to my right where she seemed to linger for a moment before looking back up into my eyes.
"What's going on, dear?" Aunt Esme's voice was light, though her eyes were watchful.
"So very much, Aunt Esme. Have you ever had a moment in time when you realized everything you'd been basing your life on was wrong? That the things you held as fact were really fiction? And that you had been going about things in exactly the wrong way for … well, forever?"
"Yes," she said firmly. "When I met your Uncle Carlisle. Why?"
"I had that moment today. Clear as day, I saw how terribly wrong the things Mother had taught me were, how foolish the standards were that she held us to. Aunt Esme, I've been wrong my whole life … but I realized today I don't need to stay that way. I could be right after all."
"Oh, baby," she said and gathered me into a firm embrace. "You haven't been wrong forever, sweetness."
"Oh, but I have!" I said, pulling away and looking at her. "I judged you before I ever met you, all because my mother said so! I judged Alice … I even judged myself for how I feel for Edward! And I never needed to. I never should have, because everything I was weighing people against was wrong. Mother was wrong."
"But, baby, just because some of your information was wrong doesn't mean you were wrong. Now that you see it, it's easy enough to look at the world through new glasses and right all of those misunderstandings."
"I know," I said. "I feel so much lighter, so much happier now."
She smiled.
"You look it too."
"I'm sorry it took me so long to see it," I said, squeezing her hand. "You've been showing me all along how easy life could be, but I couldn't see past Mother's words for so long."
"You don't give yourself enough credit, Isabella Swan," she said, furrowing her brow. "You've been coming out from under Renée's thumb for quite some time. But, I understand how it is. The sun is blinding the first time you see it, isn't it?"
I laughed and nodded.
"It is, but it makes everything so clear."
"Well, I'll be damned," a voice said from behind us.
It was Alice's soft lilt. I wondered how long she had been standing there and how much she had heard. Clearly, it was enough for her because she dropped whatever bag she had been holding and grabbed me from behind in a fierce embrace.
"You finally see, don't you?" she whispered, hugging both me and Aunt Esme at the same time. "You finally see that I wasn't being the obstinate child when I disagreed with Mother."
"Yes, Alice," I said, leaning my head against hers. "I finally see."
From Bella's Journal
Friday, August 13th, 1920
Just. The clock in the hall chimed twelve times. I waited for the last bong before picking up my pen to write, wanting to wait until the day of to write this down.
Today my world begins to change. The sister I've come to think of as my best friend and constant confidante will set sail for a new world filled with adventures and the opportunity to fulfill her childhood dreams.
As my eyes droop in weariness over the blurring words, I am overcome with the thrill of possibilities that Alice's trip affords her. A month ago, I would have sat, bent over my paper, thinking of all that might go wrong for her and all that might befall me while she was away. Tonight, I am filled with happiness that our life has changed enough for her to pursue her dreams.
Earlier this evening, all of our friends came to the house to wish Alice a "bon voyage" and send her off with well wishes. Jasper was here, having taken time off from the yards to be with his girl on the night before she left, as was Edward. There were tears of happiness, and some of sadness, knowing that Alice's bright face and laughter would be so many miles away from us for so very long. But the whole night was lit with talk of possibility.
Dreams of Alice the designer swooping back into Chicago to design gowns for the upper class gentry with a chic, French flair that would become the new style floated through the room. Alice laughed and talked gaily with her guests, never straying far from Jasper's side. Before the end of the evening, when it was only Alice, Edward, myself and our aunt and Uncle, Jasper got down on one knee and asked Alice for her hand. Everyone knew he was planning to propose except Alice, and she was both surprised and delighted. He had been saving for months and the small diamond he placed on her finger shone nearly as brightly as her eyes.
It was a promise … and something of him to take with her across the ocean. We all clapped and wished them well. Everyone was full of happiness as we said our goodnights and Alice fell asleep with a smile playing on her lips.
Tomorrow I will say goodbye to my sister. I won't cry until the ship is out to sea and she has seen me smiling and waving happily to her. I want her to leave with my blessing and knowing that I wish her nothing but happiness. It may take all of my strength to do it, but for her … I will.
I capped the pen and yawned deeply, not even bothering to put the book on my side table before letting my head fall heavily to the pillow and falling fast asleep. When I awoke the next morning with dim light filtering in the window, Alice was across from me with my journal open on her lap.
"It was open," she whispered, wiping at her face.
"It's okay," I said, stifling a yawn. "We have no secrets, you and I."
"No, we don't, Sissy."
Her voice was thick with tears and brought me out of my bed to her side in a second. I wrapped my arms around my older sister and she buried her head in my shoulder.
"What will I do without you, Bella?" she asked with tears in her voice. "Who am I going to yell at when I'm angry?"
I chuckled and rubbed her back.
"I expect you'll find someone," I replied.
She batted at my arm lightly and shook her head.
"You know what I mean," she said.
"I do. But it'll be alright, Allie."
She snorted at my childhood nickname for her.
"I know it will. Doesn't mean I like leaving. You may be strong enough not to cry until the ship is out to sea, but I won't be."
"I doubt I'll be that strong," I reasoned, "but it certainly looks pretty on paper."
Alice let out a guffaw at that, looking up at me through tear-matted eyelashes.
"You are and always will be my best friend, Sissy. Never forget that."
"I won't. Oh!" I exclaimed, pulling away from her. "I nearly forgot. I got you something."
"You … when?"
I smirked and walked over to my closet. I reached up on tip-toe to the highest shelf, far above where Alice's prying eyes or hands could reach, and pulled out the violet sashay bag in which my gift was held.
"Open it," I said, handing it to her.
She pulled out the pen first, a fine, maroon colored fountain pen with her name engraved in gold on the cap. Next was a stack of cream colored writing paper with her name embossed at the top in cranberry ink. Finally, she pulled free a stack of matching envelopes, the inside lined in cranberry vellum.
"Oh, Bella," she murmured. "I don't even know what to say! It's the perfect gift."
"This way you have no excuse not to write us," I said with a smile. "Aunt Esme and Rose helped me pick them out. It's really from all three of us."
"I love it and I shall not find excuses."
Her voice was mocking, but there was a promise there as well. She would write; she wouldn't forget about us. I knew this, but it was still nice to hear her say it.
"Rose and Em are coming for an early breakfast," I said, rising again to get ready for the day. "I'll be down shortly if you want to go ahead."
"I'll wait for you," she said, carefully putting away her gift and tucking it inside the bag waiting by her bed. "I'm already dressed and I'm in no rush."
Alice may not have been in any rush, but time had a way of making its own mind up about things. Breakfast flew by and before we knew it, Rose and Em were waving goodbye to us as we were piled into the Studebaker to catch our train to New York. Chicago was not a harbor city and all of the big liners departed from New York harbor. Uncle Carlisle had booked us an overnight train to Penn Station so that we could see Alice off at noon the next day. The old Bella might have been frightened of a trip into such a large city, but today was a new adventure and I was excited about the new experience. I tried hard to focus on that and avoid thoughts about the next day's goodbyes.
When we arrived at the train station, a familiar shock of bronze hair was looking up at the flags fluttering in the hot August breeze.
"Edward?" I asked.
"Right on time, boys," Uncle Carlisle said jauntily as both Edward and Jasper turned around with smiles on their faces.
Alice's eyes were wide with happiness and I let out a sigh of relief at seeing both of them. Tomorrow would be easier for both Alice and I with the two most important men in our lives by our sides. Alice threw her arms around Uncle Carlisle's neck, thanking him over and over for surprising her in this way. Uncle Carlisle reached down and kissed Alice's cheek.
"You are so welcome, my darling girl," he said softly, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
Alice beamed up at him and he looked down at her, father and daughter. Or, at least that is how it would look to any passerby on the street. I saw then all of the love he had in his heart for us, the way he had orchestrated this to be a surprise for his girls. I loved him all the more for that. He looked up and winked at me over Alice's head and I smiled back at him. He was my next big hurdle; he deserved more from me than I had given him in the past. He loved me as a daughter and I needed to open up to him more, as I had with Aunt Esme. I found that I wanted that bond with him now that I had realized it was missing.
Next, Alice cuffed Jasper on the arm for making her think she wouldn't see him again after last night. He smiled and ducked away from her ill-aimed blows, laughing all the while.
Edward took my hand without a word, pulling me toward him and then wrapping me in his arms.
"You're here," I said, resting my head on his shoulder for a moment.
"I am."
His lips were soft on my forehead and I closed my eyes, the anxiety I had ignored all morning washing away with his presence. He kissed me once more before turning back to the rest of my family.
"Shall we go to the platform then?" Aunt Esme asked, dabbing at the corner of her eyes.
We all nodded and walked together into the grand station where our Chicago adventure had really begun all those months ago. The building looked the same to me, but I couldn't believe the way my life had changed in less than a year. I walked through the large expanse holding hands with the man I loved and surrounded by family, ready to send my sister overseas for the next two years. It was more than my mind could have imagined when we arrived in October.
Alice and I exchanged glances as we passed by the stand of benches where we had waited for Aunt Esme that first day. Even Alice had changed so much in that short time. She was a woman who knew her own mind and despite a bit of fear, she was ready for this journey. When we boarded the train, Alice was the last to get on and she lingered on the bottom step for a moment, Jasper standing at the top waiting for her. I watched her from the window as she surveyed the platform with a small smile. I wondered if she was thinking, as I was, about that first day and all of the things we never could have known when we first arrived in Chicago.
Aunt Esme brought out a deck of cards after the train picked up some steam and we played hand after hand of gin rummy, old maid, and go fish. We talked, we laughed and we wandered around the spacious cars. At lunch time, we split up and had a light lunch at separate tables in the dining car. It was a little bit of private time away from everyone for Edward and I and I was grateful for it.
We sat by the large picture window, my hand held lightly in his while he ate his sandwich and stared out the window at the scenery passing by. I was more than content to watch him.
"You look entranced," I commented.
"This is a first for me, you know," he said, pulling his eyes away from the passing countryside. "I've been on trains before, but only within the city. I've never been this far away from home."
I stared at him incredulously for a moment before beginning to laugh.
"What?" he asked, smiling and squeezing my hand. "What's struck you funny?"
"Here I thought you to be so worldly," I teased, "and I'm better traveled than you!"
He let out a loud laugh at that and then covered his mouth when Aunt Esme looked over at us curiously.
"I'd never thought of it that way before, but you're right. You are far more worldly than I am, my love."
"I'm sure you'll catch up to me someday," I replied, stroking his hand.
"I rather hope you stay ahead," he said with a strange look on his face.
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, if you stay ahead it will mean that the rest of our travels will be done together."
I looked out the window and pondered his words with a smile growing on my face.
"I think I like the sound of that very much indeed," I said finally.
The sleeper cars, Uncle Carlisle informed us over dinner, were exorbitantly expensive and in his opinion overrated. He chose, instead, to obtain the two compartments we'd occupied throughout the day. They were equipped with plush benches on which we could stretch out and pass the night as comfortably as possible. No one talked about how sleeping arrangements would be handled.
"So … what are you all doing tomorrow evening?" Alice asked, setting down her glass of iced tea. "You can't just come to New York and do nothing!"
I saw the way her face seemed more pinched. The reality that our lives would go on without her here was setting in and she was trying to make light of it.
"Bella and Edward will be joining us at the Met for a performance of La Bohème," Uncle Carlisle said with a smile.
"Bella and Edward," Alice repeated. "And what will Jasper be doing?"
Edward and I looked raptly at Uncle Carlisle, eager to hear what he had to say, but it was Jasper who spoke first.
"Opera isn't really my scene," he said, winking at Alice and reaching over to take her hand.
"But what will you be doing?"
"I'm sure I'll find something to keep my interest," he said with a smile. "As I told your uncle, I'm going to see what the city has to offer for a few days. I won't be heading back to Chicago with them, Alice."
Alice looked between Jasper and Uncle Carlisle, her face maintaining a perfect mask but draining of all color.
"I don't understand," Edward said after a long pause. "What do you mean you won't be joining us when we return to Chicago? Won't they expect you back at work?"
Jasper's eyes lingered on Uncle Carlisle for a moment before looking over at Edward and weighing him for a moment.
"I've taken a few days off … vacation," he said.
Edward nodded slowly, seeming to accept at least superficially what Jasper was saying. I knew Alice enough to know that she didn't buy a word of it. Her mouth was pressed in a thin line and her fingers held Jasper's in a tight grasp. I knew that they would talk further, when they had a moment alone. If she thought it important, I had no doubt she would let me know of any trouble. I wondered if Edward would be able to let it lie until then.
After dinner, when the sun was setting on the speeding train, we all walked back to our compartments and filed in, Jasper, Alice, Edward and I in one, and Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle in the other.
The compartments were spacious enough to afford us leg room and equipped with drapes to close us off from the rest of the train. We did not, however, pull over the drapes. Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle did not pull theirs over either. I had been up late the night before and my weariness combined with the relaxing motion of the train was making me sleepy. When I sat close to Edward on the bench, my legs pulled up next to me, I found myself drifting off.
"Do you think they're going to make us move?" Alice whispered loudly from the other side of the compartment.
She was looking between Edward, me and Jasper. All of us turned our heads in one motion to look over at Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle. Aunt Esme was already leaning comfortable against her husband's chest, her eyes closed and looking as though she was drifting off to sleep. They had turned off the overhead light and were only bathed in the dim light from the narrow hallway between our compartments.
"It doesn't look that way," I whispered back.
"Should we turn off the light and see what happens?" Jasper asked, smiling.
"They have theirs off," Edward reasoned.
"Well, Sissy will never get to sleep with the light on … so we might as well."
I rolled my eyes at Alice and snuggled closer to Edward. I was fairly certain Alice would prefer to be in the dark with Jasper, but I didn't mind her using me as an excuse. Being in the dark wrapped in Edward's arms, sounded perfect to me. His arm was already draped around me, but he rubbed my bare arm.
"You're freezing, love," he murmured, reaching around with his other arm and pulling me even closer.
My hands and arms were quite cold because a fan was blowing directly above us for most of the journey. The parts of my body that were in contact with Edward, however, were quite warm indeed. There was something decidedly private and even a little risqué about the thought that we would be sleeping together, even if we were sharing a bench on a train with my sister less than five feet away. I'd wake up the next day in Edward's arms.
Edward pulled away from me and stood up, reaching above us to the shelf overhead. I looked over to see that Uncle Carlisle was watching Edward moving around the compartment. When he saw me looking, he smiled and looked away. His look told me he trusted us, but he would be watching. I understood and even welcomed his watchful eyes. I looked forward to this time with Edward. Uncle Carlisle's very presence would ensure that we didn't let our emotions get the better of our judgment.
When Edward sat back down, he held my sweater and a blanket in his hand.
"You'll never sleep if you're cold," he said, offering me the sweater.
I shrugged into the light fabric and rubbed my hands over my arms. Jasper had gotten a blanket for Alice as well and we set about arranging ourselves for sleep, darting wary eyes over at our aunt and uncle's compartment as we moved. When we were settled, Jasper reached up and pulled the chain, darkening the cabin.
Edward had draped the blanket over most of my body and then wrapped the excess around, covering his legs. He leaned himself back on the bench, stretching out his long legs and making a space for me to lean my head against his chest. It wasn't the most comfortable of positions for either of us, but I heard Edward sigh happily when I settled my head against him and rested my hand over his heart.
"If you are uncomfortable with this, I wouldn't take it as an affront if you moved over to the other cabin," he murmured, stroking my hair gently and making me close my eyes in ecstasy.
"As if I would leave you," I whispered, my body inching closer to his.
He continued to gently run his fingers through my hair, trailing along the edges of my face and along the tips of my ear. It sent shivers up and down my back every time he even lightly grazed my skin with his fingers. I began to copy his movements with my own hand, swirling my fingers over his shirt and feeling the fine hairs that were beneath the fabric.
It was dark and my eyes were closed, so I wasn't watching where my hand was traveling. When I felt a ridge in the fabric, I paid it no mind and continued moving against him. Suddenly, I encountered the soft feel of hair against my skin. My fingers felt on fire as I grazed against Edward's chest. He drew in an audible gasp and I froze against him, realizing that I had innocently crossed a line without ever meaning to.
I should have pulled my hand back. Three or four weeks prior, I likely would have pulled my fingers away as though they had been burned and buried my face in my hands in shame. That evening, however, in the dark, with my blood racing with the simple desire to get closer to him in any way I could, I left my hand pressed against him and felt the way his heart stuttered beneath my palm. I could tell that he was trying in vain to regulate his breathing. When I moved just the tip of my finger but a fraction of an inch, I heard him groan softly and felt his arm tighten around me. I began to draw my finger away, but his free arm moved quickly, pinning my hand against his chest. I lifted my head off his chest and though I could not see all of his features clearly, I could see him well enough to note the flush on his cheeks. His eyes were dark circles flashing in the light flashing by us from the train. They startled me with their intensity.
He leaned over so that his lips were brushing against my earlobe. "Please," he whispered, his voice shaky and low, "don't stop."
A warm feeling, like fire in the pit of my stomach, bloomed at the tone of his voice and the pitch-black color of his eyes as he looked at me. Even Jasper and Alice couldn't have heard him, but his voice echoed in my mind as though he had moaned the words loudly for all to hear. The steady thrumming of his heart seemed to beat through my body as his hand loosened on my arm. Still holding his eyes with mine, I moved my fingers away from his shirt and I saw the disappointment in his eyes until I found the button that had hindered my movements. It was the top one; undoing it wouldn't make him look slovenly or partially undressed. But it would allow me to place more of my hand against his skin and now that I had felt that part of him, there was a desperate need in me to touch him more.
Once the button was loosened, I laid my head back against his shoulder and listened to the steady rhythm of him breathing, the gently thudding of his heart, the way he moaned softly as my fingers moved against his shirt, inching toward his exposed chest. I closed my eyes, letting my fingers lead and trying to breathe steadily. As I reached the edge of his shirt, my heart stuttered and Edward froze.
My hand kept moving and we both sighed softly as my fingers traveled under his shirt, resting comfortably against his overheated skin. He seemed to relax as I began to swirl my fingertips against his chest, his breathing calming. But his heart rate remained fast in my ears and his skin felt as though it was on fire.
I could feel my eyelids growing heavier as he began stroking my hair again. He placed his other hand under the blanket, against my side, and began tracing patterns against my body. Every pass of his thumb against my rib cage coiled the warm feeling tighter within me. Reason and desire warred in my mind as his hand crept lightly up my body. He'd felt my fingers against him in a way he'd never felt before; I wanted to feel the same.
One finger, then another crept up my side until they rested along the side of my breast. I couldn't breathe. The heat of his fingers seared me through the fabric of my dress as I imagined his skin touching mine. Slowly, his hand followed the curve of my breast until it ghosted up the front and his finger brushed my now hardened peak.
I gasped at the contact and my eyes closed involuntarily. His hand froze but when I made no move to stop him, he added the slightest amount of pressure, cupping the fullness of my breast in his hand. I sighed at the contact and wanted to lean into it, to urge him on, but I knew that we could not continue on this path. I reached up to still his hand after a few moments. He acquiesced immediately and settled his hand over my waist again, moving his thumb back and forth over the seam in my dress, but not traveling any higher up my body.
We could hear hissing whispers coming from the other side of the compartment as Jasper and Alice pursued their own quiet dalliances and perhaps discussed Jasper's revelations from dinner. I tilted my head up so that my nose was at the edge of Edward's collar and my forehead leaned against his jaw line.
"I love you so much," I whispered as my fingers found the line of his collarbone.
His skin was so soft near his throat. I stroked it, feeling the strong muscles and tendons stretching across his shoulders and up his neck. My fingers grew bolder, exploring the way he felt, finally letting myself feel only him … no distractions, no barriers. I swallowed hard, thinking about everything … everywhere … two years never felt longer.
I felt him lean his head heavily against my forehead and tighten his jaw slightly as my hand continued to move against his skin. He turned toward me and kissed me, hard, against my forehead. I could feel his muscles quivering as he tried to restrain himself from pulling me closer. He kissed me more softly along my forehead and down to my ear, his tongue darting out and making me dig my fingers into him.
"God, Bella … me too," he said, only slightly louder than I had.
I looked over quickly at my sister and Jasper to see if they had heard him, but they were in their own world, full of each other.
"I'm sorry," he said more quietly, "if I overstepped a line tonight."
He moved his hand against me in illustration of what he was referring to. I shook my head and chuckled.
"I'm not sorry," I said gently. "I just … it was too much with … too many people."
His hands quieted against me as he pondered my words.
"You wouldn't have stopped me if we weren't inches away from your sister?" he asked.
I could almost hear the crooked slant of his smile in his voice.
"I don't know. I might have. But, I knew it wasn't right … here. Now."
"Fair enough," he said, shifting slightly underneath me so that I could lean against him more naturally.
My hand rose up on his chest as he moved until my palm was resting just under his neck. I moved my thumb around into the hollow of his throat and kept my fingers on the side of his neck, feeling his pulse beneath my fingers. Again, I felt myself drifting off with the comfort of his body close to mine and his warmth surrounding me.
"Is there … do you want something … more from me?" he asked quietly after some time had passed.
His voice pulled me from the edge of sleep and I waited for a moment before I answered, trying to decide if I was in a dream or awake before opening my mouth.
"I want it all with you, Edward," I mumbled, snuggling closer to him and yawning. "All in good time, though … we have forever, right?"
I heard him swallow loudly and felt him pull me fiercely against him.
"Forever might not be enough," he said, kissing me softly and leaning his head back. "Sleep well, my love."
I smiled as I drifted off, rocked asleep with the motion of the train and surrounded in the feel, smell, and sounds of Edward.
A/N: When you think of these train compartments, think along the lines of the Harry Potter Hogwart's express compartments. The two young couples were alone, but not really unchaperoned. Carlisle could easily see into the compartment and they had each other sort of right there. Technically, sleeper cars were common in those days and likely not as expensive as I made them sound. But beds would have been more complicated for me and we wouldn't have gotten a little lemon zest. So, in the interest of storytelling, I took a bit of license with history here. I hope you don't mind. : ) If you didn't see, I posted a Christmas outtake ... just a little something special mah girls. Check it out under the ATJ Outtakes and Sidetakes I have posted under my profile. Also, the questions that I am sure you will have about Jasper will be answered within the next two chapters. I hope you enjoy! Thanks so much and I wish you and yours a safe and happy holiday season! ~Jen