CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Flightless Bird

I walked into school on Monday with a shiny new rock on my left hand and received hearty congratulations from all my coworkers, especially Red. I retired to my office and began to dig into paperwork and waited. I knew it wouldn't be long.

Just after the first period bell, Edward showed up in my office. As I expected.

"You said yes," he said. "You actually said yes." He glowered at me in a way that probably should have frightened me, but just made me more convinced I'd done the right thing.

"Yeah," I said. "I said yes."

"Why?"

"Because… "

"Because you love him?" he asked.

"Yes," I said and looked away. I did love Derek. Of course I did. I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't love him. It just was a more mature, calm kind of love.

"You don't love him," he said. "He's just a safe bet and you know it."

"I'm not discussing this with you."

"Don't do this," he said. "You know it's a mistake."

"You've got to go now," I said. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm the one who's sorry," he said, and left.

Edward's reaction convinced me I was doing the right thing. My marriage to Derek would help him move on, and clearly he needed to move on.

At Thoreau club the next afternoon, I was dismayed to see Edward had returned. I tried to think of an excuse to tell him he couldn't be there, but I had none and Erik, Paige, Angela and Jessica were all excited he'd come back. Mike, on the other hand, gave him the third degree.

"Oh sure, now that we're getting ready for the trip you come back. Mr. Banner, how is that fair?" Mike complained.

"You can't get full credit, Edward," Derek said. "I'm sorry. You can only miss three meetings and still get that."

"I'm not coming back to the club," he said. "I just had some information about the bears I thought you'd all be interested in."

"What is it?" Erik asked.

"I was out sailing this weekend off of La Push and saw about fifteen bears swimming toward the shore."

"So? Bears can swim," Mike said.

"But they don't live in big packs," Angela said, excitedly. "They're usually solitary."

"Right," Edward said. "This was almost like a tribe."

"That's so cool," Jessica said. Mike bristled.

"Miss Swan, we need to go see Jacob Black again," Paige said. "He must be able to tell us more about it."

"Can you call him, Miss Swan?" Angela asked.

"Of course," I took out my cell phone and dialed Jacob and caught a very uncomfortable look on Edward's face. So uncomfortable it caused me to pause and reconsider for a second, but then he looked away.

"Why, hello there Miss Swan," Jake answered with a sarcastic edge in his voice. I wasn't sure what his problem was, and was in no position to ask so I just asked him about the bears swimming off of La Push. He confirmed it. In fact, they'd begun building shelter on the perimeter of the Reservation for them since their numbers were growing and they wanted to give them someplace besides their garages and barns to crash. He also said it wasn't a good idea to bring the kids up until they could get a handle on what was going on.

"What do the elders say about it?" I asked.

"You don't even want to know," he said. "And by the way, congratulations on your engagement. I can't believe I had to hear it from your father, though. You're now on my shit list."

#

The next morning I walked into school and saw Angela and Erik sitting at a table in the hallway, selling prom tickets.

"Monte Carlo, gambling and Bond, James Bond," Erik said in his best Sean Connery voice to Jessica and Mike and a small crowd of other seniors as they bought their tickets.

I hated prom season. It always meant a steady stream of girls coming into my office to stress over dates, boyfriends, booze and whether a blow job technically constituted sex. It meant worrying about drunk teens on the road. It meant worrying, period.

But I loved prom itself. Modern America's real coming of age party. The kids always looked so grown up in their formals and their updos. Prom always made me a little weepy as I compared the seniors with their freshmen selves and saw what huge changes took place in the four years of their high school careers. It made me laugh a little to remember what it felt like to be their age, thinking I knew anything about the way the world worked. By thirty years old I was convinced I might never know.

To my surprise, the first senior girl who came to me for prom related hand wringing was Paige. Paige and I saw each other every week at Thoreau club, and we got along great but she'd never been the type of kid to seek me out for assistance. But this morning she came in, looking fairly perturbed.

"I need your opinion." She fiddled with a loose thread on the edge of the sofa. "You're pretty close with Edward, right?" she asked.

"About as close as I am with any of you young philosophers," I said, hoping my face didn't show the discomfort I felt inside. "Why?"

"Do you think he'd go to prom with me?"

I wasn't expecting that. I'd always assumed Edward wouldn't bother with prom. He hadn't attended a school function all year. He wasn't the type. Hell—who was I kidding? I didn't want him to go to prom. I didn't want to see him there looking heart-breakingly handsome in a tuxedo with some young pretty thing on his arm who had her whole life ahead of her.

But responsible me, professional me, knew that he should go. In fact, if he went and had a good time, he might start to get over me. And though I felt ill, really ill, when I thought about Edward falling in love with someone who wasn't me, I knew for his sake that he should. And if I had to pick one girl in the whole school who I thought Edward might actually take to prom, it would be Paige. She was smart, funny, easy to be around. No drama.

"Ask him," I said.

"Really? You think I should?"

"Sure," I said. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"He'll say no and hate me for making him feel awkward and not want to make eye contact with me ever again. That would suck."

"That won't happen," I said. "He'll be flattered you asked, regardless of his answer. But can I ask you a question?"

"What?"

"I sort of kind of thought you were a teeny tiny bit into Mike."

"It was that obvious?"

"Not at all," I said. "I just wondered."

"I've been in love with Mike Newton since tenth grade," she said. "But you cannot tell anyone that!"

"Paige, come on," I said. "You know I never would."

"It kills me because Jess doesn't really love Mike, but he's so in love with her and I think she takes advantage of him, like he's always going to be there for her no matter what. It pisses me off. It makes it really difficult to be friends, you know?"

I gave her a sympathetic smile. All she needed was a night alone with Edward and I was fairly certain her feelings for Mike would be a distant memory.

"Edward is so nice," she continued. "And I have no date and it's senior year and prom and I want to go, but I don't want to go alone and so I just thought… maybe, you know? Just as friends? Plus he's really hot."

"You should ask him," I encouraged. "The worst that will happen is he'll say he can't make it. But I doubt it will be catastrophic."

"Will you be there?"

"Of course," I said. "It's prom. I have to be on hand for punch bowl and drama duty."

#

An hour later Edward showed up in my office, looking like he'd just been punked.

"Did you put Paige up to asking me to the prom?"

"No," I said. "Why? Did she ask you?"

"Me go to prom? Are you kidding me? All that horrible pop music and gaudy overpriced dresses on the girls and tacky decorations? I'd rather spend an evening in hell itself."

"Prom is an important rite of passage," I said. "You shouldn't miss it."

"I can't believe this."

"Are your brothers and sisters going?"

"They are now," he said. "I'm not suffering alone."

"So Paige did ask you?"

"No, I asked her."

"You did?"

"Yes, I did," he said. "She was so nervous about the whole thing I couldn't stand it."

I couldn't help myself—I laughed. "Edward, that's just about the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

"This may come as a shock to you, but I can be sweet if the mood strikes me and why are you looking at me like that?" He glared at me suspiciously.

"Like what?" I said. I was looking at him like that because I'd been imagining him in a tux, at prom. The problem was he'd be there with Paige and not me. And he'd be dancing with her, not me. And I felt ridiculous, embarrassed at the thought.

He was only seventeen, I told myself. He probably couldn't dance all that well anyway. Stop fantasizing. No wait. I'd seen the Cullens dance and they were award-winning dancers, and supposedly Edward was better than all of them. I was engaged, I reminded myself. And thirty. And Derek was a fine dancer.

"Bella," Edward said, lowering his voice. He hesitated and then asked, "Do you have a date?"

"What?"

"For the wedding. Do you have a date?"

"Oh," I said. "June 30th."

"You can't marry him that soon. That's insane."

"We've both been married before, we're having something very small and I don't see the point in waiting and you know what?" I lowered my voice to try to contain my anger. "I'll marry whomever I choose, whenever I choose. I am thirty years old, thank you very much."

"God," he said. "You're impossible."

"Me? Impossible? I'm not the one trying to tell you who you can't marry."

"No, you just set me up with a prom date you know I don't want."

"First of all, I didn't set that up. And second of all, Paige is a great girl. Maybe you should get to know her better." I almost gagged as I said it, my stomach turned so hard.

"June? Are you kidding me?"

"Edward you'll be halfway across the Pacific, what do you care?"

"What do I care? Do you really have to ask that?"

I didn't have to ask and I shouldn't have asked, it was cruel. But the selfish part of me wanted to hear him admit it. I wanted him to admit it for the both of us, since I never would.

"What have I done?" I said.

"Don't marry Derek because you're trying to stay away from me. You'll be miserable and I can't live with that."

"That's not the only reason," I said.

"You don't love him," he said. "Not enough to marry him."

"You don't know that."

He looked out the window.

"I… " I choked up and looked away. "I'm just trying to do what's right."

"Why don't you do what's right for you for once?" he said. "Not what you think is right by everyone else's standards."

"Oh, my God," I said in frustration, putting my face in my hands. "I don't want to hurt you, okay? The last thing on this earth I want to do is cause you any more pain."

"Then don't marry Derek."

"Edward, come on. You're being completely unreasonable."

"I know," he said. "I can't help myself. I can't think straight. But you can't do this."

What I really wanted to do was sit in his lap, wrap my arms around him and tell him it was all going to work out. He was going to be okay. I wanted to absorb whatever agony he was feeling right out of him, to leave him free of it. I hated seeing him upset. I hated more that I was the cause of it. He needed support, and I couldn't give it to him.

"Maybe we should talk to your father," I said.

"What for?"

"I'm worried about you."

"You're unbelievable," he said and then laughed. "What do you plan to say to Carlisle, exactly?"

"I'll tell him the truth. I seduced you into an inappropriate relationship, and I'll ask him to help you through this because obviously, it's causing you a lot of stress."

"You know, I almost wish you would, just so I could see the look on Carlisle's face when you make such a ridiculous confession. It would be priceless. Just promise me you'll do it in person and not over the phone."

"Could you not be a jerk for a second?" I said, getting angry. "I want to fix this, Edward. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, and I'm definitely not trying to be funny."

"Bella, look," he said. "What do you want me to do here? Do you want me to leave? I'll leave school."

"No, no, no," I said, shaking my head. "Don't be crazy. Why would you even consider doing that?"

"If I'm not around, you won't have to worry about anything happening between us and you can back out of your engagement."

"I'm not going to back out," I said. "Whether you stay or go. So you may as well stay."

"You don't love him. I know you don't."

"Edward, this isn't healthy."

"I know," he said.

The bell rang and there was a knock at my door, and then Doreen opened it and stuck her head in.

"Mr. Colter needs to see you," she said.

I waved her out of the room.

"If you truly love Derek and want to marry him, I'll drop the whole thing," he said. "Look me in the eye and tell me you're in love with him and you won't hear another word from me about it ever again."

They were only words. All I had to do was say them. I could just say them. I didn't even have to mean them. And as I looked into Edward's eyes, I tried to open my mouth and force the words out. "I'm…" I took a deep breath and stopped.

"Say it," he said.

I turned away from him and exhaled. A very, very quiet "fuck you," escaped from my lips, muttered angrily, I thought camouflaged by my exiting breath. Apparently I was wrong.

"That's what I thought."

The second bell rang and we walked out into the hall. Derek was standing at the counter going through his mail and he gave me a concerned glance before turning to Edward.

"Why weren't you in my class today, Mr. Cullen?" he asked.

"Sorry Mr. Banner. I had a personal issue I had to talk to Miss Swan about," he said.

"I'll write him a pass," I said. "Give me a minute, I have to talk to Mr. Colter first."

Derek stared at Edward with an edge that made me particularly uncomfortable, as though his intuition had sniffed something out that was going to cause some real problems. He gave me a perplexed look and after Edward left the office said, "What was that all about?"

"Prom."

#

In the two weeks following our quarrel, I was nervous Edward might challenge me again, in some other way. But instead he avoided me. And as fucked up as I felt about it all, I was disappointed. I expected him to come to me and try to argue me out of my engagement again, but he didn't.

It didn't escape my notice that he started to hang out with Paige more. I'd seen them several times in the parking lot in the mornings before school, hanging out by his car. Walking to class together. He'd even given her a ride after school at least twice.

I hated this. Absolutely hated it. Where I used to love Paige, I found myself noticing her bad hair days and her too tight skinny jeans and her little muffin top and her acne, which wasn't bad at all, but still. She was a teenager. And so was he, I had to remind myself. He should forget about me. And I had to forget about him. I had a wedding to plan.

But I had some problems with that.

I wanted something small and casual. Derek wanted something formal. I wanted a live acoustic band, he wanted a DJ. He wanted a plated sit down dinner, I wanted a buffet. I was tired of arguing the details and capitulated much of the event to him. I'd had my big day where everything was perfect and how I wanted it. I could compromise this time, I told myself. Problem was, I was doing all the compromising.

#

Prom night came. I'd been dreading it as I'd watched Edward and Paige spend more and more time together. But I prepared myself mentally. I would be working at prom. I would be the counselor, not the jealous jilted girl who didn't get the guy. I was a trained therapist. I would check my personal feelings with my coat and pick them back up when the night was over. Or maybe never.

Every year I wore the same dress to senior prom—an heirloom, antique tea dress that I'd picked up on a whim back at a yard sale in New Jersey when I was in college. When I moved to Forks it traveled across the country with me in a box but it wasn't until I began working in the high school that I'd had the idea to have it restored and tailored so I could wear it to prom. It was a mid-calf length lace dress, a champagne color with appliqué roses. It was not terribly sexy, nor revealing, nor flashy or stand out in any visual way. It was sort of on the dowdy old chaperone end of fashion, but then that's why I thought it was perfect for prom. And it was one of a kind, like I imagined the woman who'd first owned it 90 or so years ago.

"Ah yes, the yard sale prom dress," Derek said when he picked me up. "I thought this year you might have worn the black one."

"Hey, this might have been great-great Aunt Tilda's best party dress. Don't tease or she'll haunt your dreams tonight."

"You look gorgeous," he said and gave me a kiss. "Classic. But I can't see your shoulders and that's a crime."

"Maybe you can see them when we get home," I said. "If you behave."

At the hotel ballroom Angela and Erik were there early, chipper as they arranged favors and chatted up the DJ about shout outs and playlists. Kids began to trickle in and there was the usual excitement of girls fawning over each others' dresses, gossiping about who got stood up or who was going to put out, and who might already be drunk.

Mike and Jessica came, Jessica in a hot pink gown showing off her cleavage. Any typical senior guy would have been beaming with pride, but Mike was fidgety and distracted as they walked in and had their picture taken by a dozen friends and then the official photographer. He caught me watching him and came over.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked.

"Sure," I said, and we walked outside where we could get a little quiet and watched the rest of the seniors arrive. "Looks like things are better with you and Jess."

"For now," he said. "I'm really worried she's just being sweet because of prom. Like she wanted to be sure she had a date."

"Now that's a cynical view if I ever heard one," I teased him. "Can't you just enjoy the night with her? She's your date, it's your senior prom. Let it go."

"It's not that easy," he said. "It's like I can't trust her."

"That's up to you," I said. "You can choose to trust her if you want to."

He looked over his shoulder, back toward the glass doors where the rest of the students were settling in at their tables and we watched Jessica fawning over Angela's dress.

"What if that's because who she really wanted to go with was already going with someone else?"

"Mike, you guys had this planned months ago."

"He's probably just using Paige for…"

"Come on," I said. "You know that's not true. And you know Paige would never put up with that."

Edward's Volvo pulled into the parking lot and he and Paige got out, looking like they stepped right out of Teen Vogue. Paige wore a pretty, simple sea blue gown with cap sleeves and a square neck and strappy heels and her light brown hair had been done in loose curls, piled on the top of her head. She had on just the right amount of make up, too.

And Edward? He was any girl's dream, as I'd expected. He wore a vintage tuxedo, I don't know from what era, but it had been meticulously maintained. He wore one white rose on his lapel, matching the one he'd given to Paige, which she wore across her shoulder. They chatted casually, oblivious to all of the students and faculty who eyed them curiously as they stood by his car. Then the rest of the Cullens pulled in and got out wearing red carpet worthy threads and perfectly sculpted hair and they laughed as they made small talk with Edward and Paige, who seemed strangely more at home among them than I might have guessed.

I could feel the tension coming off Mike like heat from an electric stove. "I hate them," he said under his breath.

"Come on. They're not going to bother you."

"Their existence bothers me."

I put my arm around Mike's shoulder's and steered him back inside. "You know what, Newton?" I said. "You are a totally great catch, and that girl over there?" I nodded to where Jessica was standing with Angela and Erik. "She's here with you. No one else. So you can spend the evening sweeping her off her feet, or you can wallow in self-doubt and negativity. But I know if you go out there and just laugh and have fun and be your usual smart, funny self, she will only have eyes for you."

"Okay," he said and then gave me quick a hug. "I'll try."

"Good man."

I walked over to Derek at the punch bowl.

"It's gonna be a long night, I see," he said sympathetically. "Starting already."

"Yep," I said.

Paige and Edward and the rest of the Cullens came in, making a grand entrance. The students all stopped to notice them, to gossip about their designer gowns, to nod in respect or in some cases to snicker. But the Cullens were like the young jet setters in Rio, already a little bored with a scene like this one because it paled in comparison to what they'd seen in the real world.

Then they all came over to where Derek and I stood to say hello. I was about to compliment them on how suave they all looked, but then my eyes caught Edward's and his grew wide and alarmed.

"Oh my God," Rosalie said, laughing sort of sarcastically, like she'd seen something that was funny to her, but wouldn't be funny to anyone else. And by the look on Edward's face I could see it wasn't funny to him. At all.

"What is it?" I asked.

Alice looked a cross between alarmed and amazed. Edward quickly excused himself to Paige and walked back outside. Alice followed him out.

"Great outfit, Miss Swan," Emmett said. "That's very original. You don't see dresses like that anymore."

"Thanks," I said, confused.

"That's a really cool dress," Paige said. "Where did you get it?"

"It's vintage," I said. "I like to play dress up once a year. Keeps my inner girl alive."

Jessica came over and grabbed Paige and dragged her back to where she, Angela, Erik and Mike were sitting and began grilling her, I could tell from Paige's smug but somewhat ticked-off look, and Mike's growing angst. Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie went on their way about the party. But a few minutes later, Alice returned, her mouth in a twist, her eyes narrowed with concern as she approached me.

"Can I speak to you privately?" she asked. I nodded and joined her in a short stroll out to the patio. "I think Edward is having a bit of a PTSD moment."

"Oh no," I said. "What happened?"

"His mother—his biological mother—was a big fan of turn of the century fashion like that," she said, fingering the lace of my dress. "This really is a gorgeous piece. Where did you find it?"

"Is he okay?"

"He's a little freaked, to be honest."

"Because I reminded him of his mother?"

"Yes," she said. "They were very close. He took it terribly when she died."

"Oh no," I said, my heart breaking. "Where is he?"

"He's out on the gazebo," she said. "Maybe you should go talk to him."

"I will," I said. "Thanks."

I took several deep breaths as I walked over to the garden. Could I fuck up with Edward much more? From making out with him to haunting him with memories of his dead mother, I expected him to run when he saw me coming.

Around the corner, I saw him leaning over the railing, looking out at the valley. I watched him for a few moments as he stood motionless in the empty, lighted structure, like he was a figurine cut loose from a snow globe, waiting for someone to shake his world back to life.

"Edward?" I called as I approached. He turned and smiled politely. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm okay. Just thinking."

I leaned over the railing next to him and looked out at the view. Mist was settling in the cleft of the hills, tinged pink where the last sun of the day spread out its dying rays. A breeze came up and brought his scent back to me and I took a small step away from him. I can do this, I told myself. I am a trained professional. Edward is upset and I can help him. I will help him. And I absolutely will not think about how much I wish I could just hold him, kiss him, dance with him. I will not think about those things, I told myself, as I thought about them. Okay then, at least I will not act on them. That I could manage.

"So I hear your mom was a big collector of Edwardian era fashion," I said. "That's an interesting hobby."

"Yes, she had a closet full of dresses like yours," he said.

"Is that why she named you Edward?"

"I was named after my father."

"I see," I said. "Well, I'm sorry if this old dress of mine brought up a painful memory for you. I'm sure you weren't expecting that tonight."

"I never know what to expect with you," he said and gave me a small smile.

"I guess I'm just full of surprises," I said.

"That you are." He turned to face me and was quiet, but his eyes were filled with stories—memories and feelings from some almost forgotten past, things he longed to tell but probably never would. I really wanted to know, but would never have a chance to ask.

"You do look beautiful in that dress," he said. "Well, you always look beautiful, but you are exceptionally beautiful tonight."

"So are you," I said and then laughed at the stupidity of my own words. "You look very handsome. Paige will be the talk of prom, no doubt, as long as no one shows up puking from too much pre-prom party."

Alice and Jasper approached us tentatively, and Edward nodded to them that they should join us, his mood much more relaxed.

"Everything okay?" Alice asked.

"Yeah," he said. "You worry too much."

"I know, I can't help it," she said.

The music came up and she said, "Oh I love this song!" And then she put her arms around Jasper and they began to dance, an exaggerated but technically flawless waltz that made us both laugh. Then Edward took my hand in his, put his arm around my waist and began to waltz me around the gazebo too, a much more subtle version of the step his siblings were demonstrating, but a perfectly executed number all the same.

It was a good thing he didn't ask first, because I would have said no. And that would have been a terrible shame, because dancing with Edward was probably one of the highlights of my life up to that point. He was that good. And as much as I tried to tamp it down like a small flame threatening a dry field, I loved him. I'd cherish that one dance the rest of my days.

"You're not that uncoordinated," he said, smiling. "I expected us both to be injured by now."

"Well, I've improved a little since high school."

There were a good, respectable six inches of space between us as we danced, the length of an average adult hand from wrist to fingertip. Our bodies only met in three places. One, where his hand held mine and the coldness of his touch relieved the intense heat I felt radiating out of my palm. Another where my other hand landed on his shoulder and I had to consciously stop myself from moving my fingers lovingly over it. And the third where his left hand rested on my lower back. That was my favorite. I imagined that hand pushing me to him, holding me against him. There was so much potential for that hand, but out there in the open, with witnesses and all, it behaved itself.

I forced myself not to breathe, not to look into his face, because in the one small glance I gave him I saw him radiating a happiness that was likely going to make me weep with relief.

The other Thoreau club students came down the path, noticing I suppose the funny scene under the gazebo, and they were curious to see what was going on. Angela and Erik joined the waltz, laughing as they tripped over each other's feet. Paige and Jessica came up to us, Paige smiling curiously as Edward broke off our dance and said, "Thanks for the warm up, Miss Swan, but my date is available now, and she's looking so very lovely tonight."

"Of course," I said. "I have to agree."

"You're a dope," Paige said to Edward. "Nobody waltzes anymore except the very old and senile."

"And all those Arthur Murray students," he said as he twirled her happily under the lights. "Some of them are merely middle aged."

Then Mike pulled Jessica into his arms and began slow dancing, glaring at Edward over Jess's shoulder, though Edward was obliviously chatting with Paige, who was smiling, laughing, happy as could be. The official dance party portion of prom had begun, albeit not in the location intended by the hotel manager. But it was a much nicer view.

I stepped back and watched them all, young and excited and hopeful about the future and I remembered being in that place, thirteen years ago, with the love of my young life and never, ever being able to guess I'd end up in the spot I stood in that moment. Derek came up behind me and put his arm around me.

"The kids are waltzing?" he said. "They're not too bad at it."

"No," I said. "Not bad at all."