Chapter 14: Pendulum
Tama stepped out into the shop gardens and his worried grey eyes found Byakuya, standing with his back to the shop and his gaze directed up at the moon, where it peeked through a gathering of dark and thickening clouds. The reiatsu around his son radiated calm, but of a forced nature, and under which he could feel a quiet storm of troubled emotion. He advanced in slow steps, well aware that Byakuya had sensed his approach, but giving his son time to silently prepare himself for the uncomfortable conversation he knew they must have. As he reached Byakuya's side, his turned his own eyes upward to the sky, focusing on the bright moon.
"I assume that Urahara Kisuke has told you about my condition?" Byakuya inquired softly.
"He has," Tama confirmed.
Byakuya let the silence hang between them, pausing to watch slender ribbons of black that crept across the white of the moon.
"I see."
Byakuya glanced at Tama apprehensively.
"And what do you think I should do?" Byakuya asked.
Tama looked back at his son through saddened eyes, considering his words carefully.
"Segare, it isn't my place to tell you what is the right thing to do. You know your own heart and what your conscience will bear. And you know that you have my support as you make your decision."
Byakuya sucked in a pained breath and released it in a shudder.
"And how does one make a decision like this?" he whispered wearily, Suki? Torao? Soujun, if he is alive? Ichigo? This baby? Myself? Whose needs do I address? Because, no matter how I answer that question, someone will suffer the consequences."
He continued to draw and release slow, steadying breaths.
"You know, it is ironic," Byakuya went on, "About fifty years ago, it was me comforting Hisana as she tried to decide the very same thing in regards to our unborn son."
"That must have been extremely painful for you," Tama acknowledged.
"And, of course, you would know about that. You knew, when my father was carrying me, that it was weakening him."
Tama thought for a moment, then nodded in agreement.
"Granted, we didn't know that Soujun would be weakened enough to be killed by that hollow. But I was aware that there was a sacrifice being made in bringing you to life. Byakuya, there is no right answer to something like this. There are only choices. You and Ichigo must weigh your options carefully and decide together what you will do."
"Ichigo," Byakuya mused, closing his eyes, "You know that he will side with his father and the others."
"Son," Tama said, laying a warm palm on Byakuya's cheek, "They are not taking sides against you. Kisuke, Ryuuken and Isshin are medical professionals, just telling you what your best chances of survival are. Ichigo is your husband. Despite all of your difficulties, you know that he loves you, and he will be terrified of losing you."
"And Suki and Torao would not understand it if I chose to risk dying with this child," Byakuya said dispiritedly, "What none of them understand is that, although this child in me is not a reality to them, he or she is very real to me. I feel the unique touch of this child's reiatsu. I feel that little soul reaching out to touch mine. From the moment that a new soul becomes aware of other souls, it does not want to be alone. Even not being cognizant of life and death, this child desires life. For me to be responsible for choosing to end that life…it is a great burden to take upon my heart. And my heart is already dying."
Tama stared at Byakuya, lost for words. He was spared having to speak as Hinata entered the room, wearing an unusually serious expression.
"I apologize for interrupting," he said solemnly, "but Urahara-san thought I might be able to offer assistance to Byakuya."
Tama gave the counselor a hopeful smile.
"I am sure Byakuya will appreciate the support," he said, embracing his son briefly, then exiting the room.
Hinata approached Byakuya and stopped in front of him, studying him briefly before nodding and sighing.
"You are in no state to be considering anything," he said firmly, "Before your headstrong husband arrives, I think you need to put yourself in a calmer frame of mind."
"I am calm," Byakuya insisted, "That is why I came into the gardens."
Hinata gave him a skeptical look and his eyes glowed bright golden. They locked on Byakuya's, freezing him in place as the counselor invoked his hypnotic power.
"Nemuri," Hinata breathed softly, sliding his arms around Byakuya and supporting him gently as his eyes went cloudy and unfocused, "When your life is out of focus and your heart is conflicted, remember, breath is life. You need to breathe. Breathe slowly and deeply. Breathe now."
Byakuya drew in a deep breath.
"When you inhale, bring in the calm, the quiet, the whispers of breath and life. When you breathe out, let go of everything else. Think only of breathing, of bringing the air into your body and sending the spent breath out into the world to be revived."
Hinata went quiet for several minutes, continuing to hold Byakuya against him, and whispering into his ear as the two breathed slowly together. Gradually, he felt Byakuya relax against him and he smiled bracingly.
"Much better."
A moment later, Byakuya stiffened as the house door flew open and Ichigo ran out into the gardens. Hinata loosed an agitated sigh.
"There goes all my hard work," he sighed, releasing Byakuya.
"Byakuya?" Ichigo said, frowning, "What's going on?"
Byakuya gave Hinata a meaningful glance and the counselor sighed again.
"I think that's my cue to leave," he commented dryly, heading for the house.
Ichigo waited until Hinata had left and the two stood alone, under the shining white moon.
"What happened?" Ichigo asked again, "Byakuya, you look really rattled."
Byakuya looked more closely at his husband and tensed at the sight of blood on Ichigo's sleeves and the front of his clothing. He paled as he sensed the reiatsu of the person whose blood it was.
"Torao?" he whispered in a shaken voice.
"He's gonna be okay," Ichigo assured him, "He was hit with a quincy arrow when we were attacked while checking out that place where you were injured."
Byakuya blanched.
"A quincy arrow?" he repeated, his hand rising to touch his breast, over his heart, "But…"
"If you are wondering whether or not that arrow was poisoned with the same reiatsu as the one that struck you, the answer is yes," Ryuuken said, stepping out into the gardens to join them, and followed by Kisuke, Isshin and Tama, "However, interestingly and fortunately, it seems that whatever has been used to infect him has not been activated, as it was in your case."
"Whoa!" Ichigo gasped, "Wait a damned second! Byakuya's got this stuff in him too?"
"Yes, son," Isshin answered solemnly, "And in Byakuya's case, the poison is causing a reaction that is slowly turning his heart to silver."
"What?" Ichigo managed, giving his husband a stunned look, "You didn't tell me that…"
"When you arrived with Torao," Kisuke explained, "we were most concerned with making sure that he was gonna be okay. And besides, it isn't our place to interfere. You and Byakuya have a lot to talk about. We're gonna let you do that."
He nodded to the others.
"Come on. Let's give them some space."
Ichigo waited at the others left, then turned his gaze back onto his husband.
"Byakuya," he said in a haunted voice, "tell me what's happening to you."
"It is…as they said," Byakuya confessed, looking down at the small, rounded place on his abdomen, "The quincy reiatsu that I was poisoned with is slowly changing the state of the cells of my heart. You remember that when Ywach used the Auswhalen on the Sternritters, it caused a silver clot to form in their hearts and they eventually died."
"You're…dying?" Ichigo whispered, staring in horror, "You and…?"
"Our child is not affected by this poisoning," Byakuya went on, "The pregnancy is advancing normally and my powers have also not been affected."
"But…?"
"But there is no telling exactly how long it will be before my heart can no longer function," Byakuya continued, surprised at the growing steadiness in his own voice, "These spells that I have are getting worse, and Kisuke and the others have assured me that any one of them could be my last."
"Oh god…" Ichigo breathed, moving forward and wrapping his arms tightly around his husband.
Byakuya gave a long sigh and relaxed in his arms, hugging Ichigo back with equal fervor.
"They're gonna find an answer," Ichigo said stiffly, "You know they won't give up until they do. Kisuke always comes through for us!"
"Yes," Byakuya agreed, "Unfortunately…the pregnancy is adding significant stress…shortening the amount of time that they have to…Ichigo, they have advised me to…"
Byakuya's voice failed him and he gazed at his husband silently as the truth dawned on Ichigo.
"You told them no," Ichigo speculated, "didn't you?"
"I started to," Byakuya admitted, "It is natural to want to defend the life of my child, but I realized that it would not be fair to make such a decision without you. The stakes are too high and no matter what we choose, we are going to lose someone. I already know what you are going to tell me. I understand. I am real to you. I am here in front of you. We have a history together. Right now, I understand everything you are thinking…because fifty years ago, I was faced with the same predicament with Hisana, and I know what I felt when she was gone. I do not have the right to put you through that agony. So, if you ask me to, I will…"
Byakuya's words stopped and his jaw stiffened, his eyes closing against the rising emotion.
"If it is what you want…" he tried again, stopping as his throat tightened painfully.
"Of course it's not what I want," Ichigo whispered, hugging him crushingly, "I remember what it was like to carry Soujun inside me. I know you're already bonded and it's gonna be really hard. I remember how it was for you every time we tried to get you pregnant and couldn't, and I know this is a million times worse. But, Byakuya, I need you. I just can't do this without you. Everything's falling apart around us and all we have to get through this is each other."
"I know," Byakuya whispered, "and I am here for you, for Suki and Torao. I just…need a moment…to say goodbye."
"Of course," Ichigo said, sliding a hand down to rub Byakuya's slightly rounded belly, "I will go and tell Kisuke. You take as long as you need. And Byakuya, I'm sorry. I really am. I wanted this baby too."
Byakuya nodded silently, watching as Ichigo left the gardens. A soft wind blew through the trees, fluttering his hair and the ends of his clothing as he looked down at the reflection of the cloud enshrouded moon. He rubbed his belly gently, breathing slowly and closing his eyes as he connected with that precious bit of growing life.
"Little one," he whispered into the breeze, "I feel you there and I know you recognize me also. You do not yet know the words for what we feel when we are connected this way, but I will tell you that this feeling is called love. You are loved so much that you were called out of nothingness and made real because of the love between Ichigo and me. Every day since we learned of your conception, we have welcomed your arrival. And your presence was a powerful force in bringing the two of us back together after we separated. I thank you for that. I am…so sorry that I will not be able to show you my gratitude."
Byakuya went quiet, listening to the tree branches and leaves shifting and looking up as the clouds in front of the moon thickened.
"I wanted so much for you to join your brother and your sister, to become a part of our growing household. I wanted to watch every day as you grew and changed and explored your world in greater and greater depth. I wanted to see your face…your hair and flesh and eyes, to see your smile and hear your voice. There are a thousand things that I wanted to say to you, stories I wanted to tell you. I would give you all of that if I could, but that is just not possible. I feel selfish, favoring my own life over yours, but it would also be selfish to allow my life to end and to leave Ichigo and your siblings alone when they need me here with them. This is a painful choice and I ache because I know you cannot hate me for it. You do not understand hatred or anger or anything dark. You are leaving this world, pure and unspoiled by it. Just know that you were a part of it, and that you brought good things to the world in just the short time you were here. I will still feel your presence when you have gone and I will still remember how it felt to touch your growing soul. In that way, you will never leave. You are wanted and loved. You will always be loved…and…all of us that would have been your family…will miss you."
Byakuya paused for a moment to gather himself, then started to turn, only to freeze in place as the tip of a quincy arrow touched his back.
"Don't move," a youthful male voice instructed him, "I heard what you said and I can't let this happen. You have to come with me if you want to save your baby and yourself."
"Who are you?" Byakuya asked, holding perfectly still, "Are you the boy I saw?"
"Yes. No more talking. You are coming with me and I am going to force Heilgar to tell me how to heal you."
"My husband and family will be worried," Byakuya reasoned with the youth, "and my health is uncertain. I am being cared for by…"
"I know who is caring for you," Aric said sternly, "They are friends of the quincy king and they will kill me if they find me. The only way to do this is if we find Heilgar and make him tell us how to heal you. Be quiet now. Come into the shadows with me. I promise, I won't let you or your baby die."
"How can you promise me that?" Byakuya asked cautiously, "Who are you that you can give me that assurance?"
"I am not sure," Aric admitted, "But…Heilgar, the leader of the quincy rebel force says that I am Ywach's grandson."
XXXXXXXXXX
"So," Ichigo said, looking at Kisuke through devastated eyes, "you can't even tell me for sure if ending the pregnancy will save Byakuya's life?"
"We can't be completely sure. No," Kisuke confessed, shaking his head, "But what I can tell you is that if Byakuya continues the pregnancy, he will not survive even long enough to have the baby. This really is protecting the life we may have a chance of saving. I wish that I knew a way of saving your baby too, but this…"
Ichigo let out a long, shuddering sigh.
"If I could, I'd have this baby for him," he commented sadly, "Unfortunately…"
He went silent for a moment, staring curiously at the way Kisuke's frown suddenly deepened and his brow furrowed in concentration.
"What is it? What did I say?" he asked.
Kisuke took a shaky breath, wondering if he dared to speak his thoughts.
"You think you have some kind of way?" Ichigo persisted, "Cause if you do…"
"Maybe," Kisuke said unsteadily, "I might. But you need to tell me right now if you meant what you just said."
"Huh?" Ichigo said, looking at him blankly.
"You said that if you could have this baby for Byakuya, you would," Kisuke reminded him, "Did you really mean that?"
"What the hell? Of course!" Ichigo snapped, "You think I don't want this baby as much as Byakuya does?"
"No, no, it's not that," Kisuke said, raising his hands defensively, "It's just that I distinctly remember you saying…"
"Forget about that," Ichigo said, narrowing his eyes, "Whatever I have to do, I'm gonna do it. If you can find a way to let me have the baby, I'll do it."
"Okay, I'll work on that," Kisuke said, nodding, "I'm not sure it can be done, but…"
"You'll find a way," Ichigo said with certainty, "And in the meantime, I have to tell Byakuya about the girls being taken."
"You sure that's a good idea?" Kisuke asked, "We don't want him putting strain on himself, you know."
"We can't keep a secret like this from him and we can't keep him from going to look for the girls. We are Suki's parents, and there's also Soujun to think about. We can't do anything for Byakuya yet, but we can try to save our kids. I'll keep him close to me, and at the first sign of trouble, I'll bring him back, okay?"
"I don't know," Kisuke said worriedly, "but if you are going to insist, then I want you to take this."
He withdrew a small black capsule from within his clothing and handed it to Ichigo.
"What is this?" Ichigo asked, accepting the pill and studying it carefully.
"If Byakuya's heart stops, you have to force that down his throat right away and get him back here. It'll put him in a state of suspension and buy us time to try to save him. Keep that pill close to you and use it if you have to."
"I will," Ichigo said, slipping the capsule into his pocket, "Thanks, Kisuke."
"Don't thank me yet," Kisuke warned him, "We still may be screwed, but at least we have a little hope."
Ichigo flash stepped out of the laboratory and ran back through the house, emerging into the gardens and sliding to a stop, staring as he found the gardens empty and a note on the ground, next to the koi pond. He picked it up and his breath caught as he felt again the touch of Soujun's reiatsu.
Shiba Ichigo,
I have taken Byakuya to the rebels to force their leader to help me heal him. If I agree to give myself up, they will probably heal Byakuya, but I do not trust they will free him. I will not make my path hard to follow. Please, make sure that you come quickly. Heilgar will kill Byakuya as soon as he has me under his control. And when that is done, he will want to use me to hurt more people. You must do whatever you can to stop him from doing that. I plan to make sure he can't use me anymore, but I can't get Byakuya free. I need you to do that. I am sorry for all of this. I am sorry that I was used to hurt you and your family. Please forgive me. I never meant for anyone to get hurt.
Ichigo dropped the piece of paper and looked around. He spotted the small rift leading into the shadows and charged in, his fists clenched and his eyes deadly.
I'm going to find this guy who has hurt our family…who stole Soujun, who injured Byakuya and who has taken Suki and Tora! I am going to find that man, and I will destroy him!