Checking that his violin is in tune, he sits on his seat, staring towards the empty audience seats and turns his memories over.

His illness had been a difficult thing to hide from Yuui, what with the chemotherapy and hospital visits. It startled others that he'd nearly managed to die in peace. It was only a matter of being careful. On days he had to go to the hospital, he would leave no clue that he had ever left, either leaving between classes or sometimes taking the whole day off if Yuui would note his absence. At nights he might have piano lessons and he was willing to play his fingers down to the bone in practice to prove to his brother that he was alright.

As his ears strained to block out the hustle and bustle around him, he noted, with a sad hint of irony, that it was partially due to his illness that he had become such an adept and professional musician. The extra hours of practice, the marks buried into his fingertips, had changed him. He'd always felt music was special but no more so than during those dying days. He would play until the crick in his neck became unbearable just to distract himself. More usefully, his violin became an emotional outlet alongside the piano.

Pressing a key, bowing a string, he felt his heart echo around the room. If he picked the correct notes, chords, rhythm, he could map his emotions with bizarre precision. It was his talent for music that had kept him whole, taught him a way of speaking without words and expressing himself without a soul knowing of a specific problem.

Yuui was clueless to the emotional turmoil raging within his brother.

Hayley was not.

She played cello in the orchestra. She sat beside him in his music class. And without being able to define what Fai felt so desperately, she heard the plaintive sorrow and the weeping, the exasperation and the fear from his instrument channelled through his fingers rather than his closed eyes. Suddenly, distinct from every other would-be string player around her, she felt a real heart beating and felt overcome as she was swept into the turmoil.

This had been how they became so close so quickly. Her own heart beating faster, she had become suddenly and strangely determined to stand beside this boy, if only to try to help him with whatever problems he was facing. Soon she found herself beside a hospital bed. And Fai felt almost guilty for her decision, but at the same time he couldn't prevent her from choosing what she wanted to do. Instead he was simply grateful for her presence.

He told her everything.

And that day he told her about the cancer making him the violinist he is, the one that everyone complimented and found something special about. Death had, in some twisted way, made him a happier person. To feel the way I do about music so much more clearly and acutely, he told her, I'm happy.

She kissed him on the cheek and told him she was glad.

***

The other irony, Fai noted, was that sometimes he never had to tell Yuui that he was going anywhere because Yuui wasn't in the house either - he was away. And now Fai knew where Yuui had been… what he had been doing …

It made him feel queasy thinking about it. Thinking that what his brother had done had aided him in some way.

It only made matters worse that each brother's desire to hide their secret from the other worked hand in hand. Blind to the truth, merely grateful to be hidden, they continued lurking in the dark and burying their pain to prevent the ones they were closest to from ever finding it.

His brother's … affair… the sex he'd being having was no different to Fai's bent, sore and overworked fingers. They had both retreated to a room with a lock on the door to prevent themselves from cracking and keep themselves whole. Both for the sake of the other. And as if it were alright to pretend and act out a life to their twin brother.

This he kept to himself, not wanting to relate his brother's problems to Hayley. She was someone connected by very thin yet durable threads to him but not his brother. He has Kurogane, Fai thought.

He looked at his watch.

***

At about 7 o'clock Kurogane and Yuui left the pool.

They showered in silence, holding their own thoughts and emotions within themselves.

Yuui noticed the shapes and contours of Kurogane's muscles with an unnoticed breath. Warm and delicate craving. His lips pressed themselves into a smile. He ignored the slight flush around his cheeks. What he would give to have Kurogane protect him with those arms, those muscles. Closing his eyes, once more he envisaged the touch. Close, firm, surrounded, skin dances touching other skin. Exhaling a warm breath at their connection, driving soft ecstasy from fingertips through spine, he presses himself further into a niche …

And at the same time Kurogane watched the water droplets slipping down Yuui's skin enviously. They touched his face and brushed his neck without any emotion or sensation. Water drizzled down his chest free from desire. It ran down his faintly scarred legs not knowing how privileged it was being in the position Kurogane felt an increasing urge to put himself in. He'd known only briefly how wonderful Yuui could be, and even then that was a dream.

So, concerned only with their own dreams and desires, they left the showers and changed without considering or wondering about the other's feelings.

It was only later as they were walking back to Yuui's home for dinner before leaving to watch Fai's performance that Yuui finally plucked up the courage to say something he'd wanted to say for a while now…

'Kurogane,' he started gently.

'Mmm?' Kurogane grunted, pretending to be disinterested.

'I'm sorry,' Yuui uttered solemnly. 'I'm sorry I lied to you all that time.'

Kurogane frowned curiously. 'Which lies?'

'I think you know,' Yuui responded. 'Everything. The way I acted, who I pretended to be, what I said.'

'You weren't really that happy, were you?' Kurogane asked bluntly, making sure Yuui knew that he was an idiot.

He seemed to get the message. Shaking his head and smiling sadly, he responded, 'No, not really.'

It was only a slight relief for Kurogane to hear this. He'd known all along after all. However it did feel strange. It seemed to represent the end of something. Which signalled the beginning of another.

***

Hayley clutched his hand, brushing it gently.

'This is something you enjoy,' she said. 'And I know that you can't give it in. So don't sacrifice it just for feeling guilty. Yuui knows you better than anyone and he'll understand. I'm very sure it'd make you both upset if you stopped playing.'

'Thank you,' he smiled, speaking faintly.

'Can I just ask…?' she started.

'Yes?' Fai prompted her.

She bit her lip. 'It's a very difficult question, do you mind?'

Fai shook his head. He realised that, strangely, she was the only person who he talked to about death. And she was certainly the only person who ever asked him about it. But still she always seemed so considerate and apologetic in a heartfelt way. Never so much understanding because she knew herself that she couldn't achieve this and Fai never expected it of her. Even so she achieved something that was specific to her - it was a difficult subject but Fai never seemed to mind being asked about it. If anything he felt slightly warm at the way she asked.

She stared at him and felt how secure his emotions were behind his eyes. 'You don't see this time right now as being pointless, do you? Like you shouldn't be here?'

Fai stopped, staring blankly. 'I… don't know. Why are you asking?'

'Because you shouldn't be doing that to yourself,' she answered plainly. 'You still matter to people … and you still have a contribution to make in a way. Just that… you need to be here.'

Fai stared away, not wanting to answer the question either to her or to himself.

'Does that mean you believe in fate?' he asked.

'Sometimes,' she said, smiling.

***

Sitting in the audience, watching as Fai played, Kurogane deciphered in the darkness the shifts and changes in Yuui's expression.

As the orchestra played, he seemed not to react at all. Out of all the noises and sounds that echoed through the hall it was difficult to label any of them as Fai, acting as a part of a unit. However there were moments when Fai would turn and glance towards a page no one else had or at least only a select few. And then, unchained, he was playing music for himself.

The little light made the tears in Yuui's eyes sparkle even brighter, like a diamond still set in stone. His eyebrows may dip at times, changing his smooth forehead, his mouth twisting. He may put a finger towards his lips, uneasy, and move closer into himself. And one time he closed his eyes and smiled politely, full of warmth and pride. Opening his eyes again, he turned to Kurogane and said, 'I'm alright.'

Kurogane immediately glanced away. Perhaps too quickly. He hadn't caught himself staring.

He didn't understand music particularly so he couldn't see why Yuui was close to tears. Probably something to do with Fai being ill, he thought. And then he felt a pang of foreboding fear too, something quiet but strong, it hissed in his ear telling him how little time there was left. Fai was his best friend. Yuui was Fai's brother.

And suddenly the audience started to clap and Kurogane jolted, hurrying to join in and feeling slightly rude and ignorant as he did so.

'It's the way he plays,' Yuui said next to him, just above the sound of applause and wiping his tears from the corner of his right eye, 'like he's detached from everything else. He puts so much of himself into it and you can hear it in the way that he plays.'

Kurogane said nothing, realising that the two of them understood each other to an awkwardly intimate extent. Close without ever having spent enough time around the other to learn them.

***
Note: School orchestras only play boring songs so your mind drifts off and they can trick you into feeling bad when you forget to clap…
I don't know why there's a Hayley, there just always has been in my mind. She doesn't alter the plot in any way but she's always been there for some reason. I think she was just someone Fai was able to confide in and I felt there was something nice about that so she stayed.
Please enjoy and review!