Takumi could hear Ryousuke getting ready, and he finally recovered himself enough to fish his jeans and t-shirt out of his backpack and throw them on. He put on his socks, and put everything else back inside his bag. He reached for his wallet and phone; the battery was almost dead, and he had messages. Using the last bit of the battery's power, he flipped open the phone. There was a text from Mika and a voice message from Itsuki; he read the text.
"Hope you had fun with your teammates, Takumi-kun. I will be back either Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on how I do at my tournament. Can we get together at the restaurant again? I miss you. I'll text when I finish today. Mika."
I'm a jerk. I think.
"Something wrong, Takumi?" Ryousuke asked as he saw his downhiller studying his cell phone intently.
Shit! I didn't hear him come out!
"No, not really," he replied, with barely a glance toward a now fully dressed Ryousuke. He snapped the phone shut.
"I know you had messages, I saw the light when I put your phone away," the elder said softly as he walked back into the closet, ostensibly, Takumi mused, to get a sport coat. "But, the battery was low. You can charge it in the car, if you want. I think one of the chargers I have will work for that phone."
"That's okay. It's not important."
Sure enough, Ryousuke had donned a light sport coat, and Takumi sheepishly looked down at his half wrinkled t-shirt and jeans. He hoped that wherever they were going was casual. As he furtively glanced at Ryousuke, he felt a slight tinge of excitement pass through him. The guy was always incredibly well put together. He looked flawless.
Face it, idiot. I've always thought he was good looking. A hundred screaming gallery girls can't be wrong, right? He looks like THAT, and I look like crap. What the hell does he see when he looks at me?
Ryousuke had returned to the bathroom once again; apparently, he was tidying up. Taking his cue from that, Takumi hastily moved to make the bed. "So what is the nice girl's name, anyway?" he heard Ryousuke casually ask from the other room as he tucked she sheets under the mattress, replaced the coverlet and fluffed up the pillows.
Why is he asking that? He doesn't care that I checked Mika-chan's message? I don't...get it.
"Why do you want to know that?" he ventured to ask, to his own surprise.
Ryousuke returned, and smiled at the sight of his well made bed. "Just curious. Takumi, really, it's fine if you have a girlfriend." He didn't think it was fine, but he had been selfish enough, hadn't he? If he had a girlfriend, so what? That hadn't stopped him the night before, and Ryousuke had to admit he was curious about that. However, as long as he could have him again himself, he just didn't much care. He had no right to be...jealous. Whatever Takumi said in response, he would find a way to put him at ease.
"Okay. Well, her name is Uehara Mika-chan."
Ryousuke furrowed his brow. "Why do I think I've heard that name before?" he asked, almost to himself.
Takumi blushed again. "Probably, uh, because she's kind of famous."
Ryousuke smirked. "Famous, is she? Now I have to know. Where would I have heard of an Uehara Mika?"
Crap. Oh well. He doesn't seem pissed. He's still relaxed. Okay. Might as well just wing it.
To Ryousuke's delight, he saw an almost impish look cross Takumi's face. "Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't tell you. Wouldn't want her to get to know you or anything, or she might become one of your crazy fans, 'Ryousuke-kami-sama'," he sarcastically replied, mimicking the cries he sometimes heard from the gallery girls whenever they spotted his mentor wherever he rolled up in the FC.
Ryousuke laughed lightly. 'Good,' he thought, deciding to play along. This side of Takumi was so much more wonderful than he had ever expected. "That's okay if you don't want to say. Now that I have her name, just a few clicks on the computer, and I'll know her secret identity. Maybe I'll send her a love letter."
"Eh?! What?!" Takumi said, exasperated. Ryousuke laughed again. God, Takumi thought, it was so wonderful to see his team leader this way, how the man could take a subject that ought to have been incredibly awkward and uncomfortable, and turn it around so that Takumi would feel like everything was all right. To him, Ryousuke seemed to have a way of making a lot of things feel that way, even if he did tend to overcomplicate it most of the time. But he wasn't doing that now, and Takumi felt like he was so much more reachable this way. "You. Wouldn't."
"Hmm. I wonder," Ryousuke playfully added as he pulled the hanger with Takumi's dress clothes from the hook.
He got me. I lost.
"She plays golf," Takumi deadpanned.
"Golf?" the team leader asked. Then, he knew. "My Lord, Takumi. Isn't she a junior champion?"
Takumi nodded.
"I'm impressed. You can probably imagine that a lot of the Doctors I have to hang around with play golf, talk about golf. I've heard about her before."
"She's pretty low key though. She doesn't make a big deal out of how good she is."
"Sounds familiar," Ryousuke said plainly. "You must have a lot in common."
"I guess. Can we go now?"
I'm too flustered to talk about Mika right now, especially after last night. You're the one I slept with. Not her.
"Sure," Ryousuke replied, taking the hint. There would be no more talk about Uehara Mika for now. Part of him was happy for that, but he couldn't help but to be impressed. If he were the romantic type, he might think that it was a match made in heaven; the gifted driver and the gifted golf prodigy, almost as corny as his brother's predicament over the cute fellow FD driver from Saitama that he refused to admit he wanted to pursue. 'So it, I,...this, is separate for him. Okay.'
"You have everything?" Ryousuke asked when he saw Takumi checking his bag.
"Uh, no. Almost," he replied as he ducked into the bathroom. Ryousuke could hear the water running as he moved in the direction of the front door, and, a couple of minutes later, the downhiller emerged from the bedroom, placing his toothbrush into the front pocket of his bag. "Okay. I'm ready to go," Takumi said softly, picking up his sneakers and looking down at himself. "I hope where we're going is casual. I'm...a slob."
Dumbass.
Ryousuke looked him up and down, unabashedly, smirking at the blush that crossed Takumi's cheeks. "You look fine. And, we're just going to a cafe I like to go to when I'm on campus. It's kind of a student hang out, more t-shirts than sport coats, I promise."
Takumi frowned. "I guess."
Ryousuke sighed, crossed the floor, and walked back into the bedroom, seeing the famous inferiority complex that Takumi tended to display at times surface slightly. He walked into the closet, and rifled through the most casual clothes he had at the apartment. Finding a basic navy blue polo shirt he thought would fit, he returned. "Here. Put this on then. It's pressed."
Of course it is.
The younger man hesitated to take the proffered shirt. "Ryousuke, never mind, it's okay. I-"
"Just put it on or I'll do it for you." Ryousuke was getting a bit impatient. How he wished that Takumi would have as much overall confidence in himself as Keisuke did. This was one area, at least, in which Keisuke had Fujiwara beat by tenfold. He obviously had confidence, under very specific circumstances, and, it delighted Ryousuke to have seen it the night before. When Takumi had become bold at times in their intimacy, it was exhilarating. This morning, he seemed to be back and forth, unsure, then witty, then open, then closed. His complexity of being was as profound his mastery of the hachi-roku.
Takumi frowned again, looking at the shirt.
Crap. It's nice and probably ridiculously expensive. But...it looks smaller than what I normally wear. He's thinner than I am. Wait. I'm thinking about his body again. Idiot! Just put the damn thing on!
Takumi sighed, realizing there was no way the polo would fit with his baggy t-shirt on underneath. He whisked it off, and put on the dark blue shirt with a fluid motion that Ryousuke wished hadn't been so brief. He tugged at it a little, rolling his shoulders once. It was long enough, but it was a bit more fitted than he was used to. He ruefully thought it probably fit Ryousuke perfectly, hanging loosely at his waist and shoulders...
Stop. Now.
"Happy?" he grumbled, stuffing his t-shirt in his backpack.
Ryousuke was more than pleased; Takumi could wear that every day for all he cared. He stepped forward and couldn't stop himself from following the contours of Takumi's upper body with a light touch from the hand not holding the hanger that held last night's dress clothes. Takumi was blushing again.
All he has to do is touch me, and I feel it. Oh God, how did it get to be like this? Why didn't he tell me anything? But, if he had said something before, would I have kissed him?
As if sensing to where his thoughts had just strayed, Ryousuke leaned in and kissed him, gently parting his lips with his tongue, then pulling back, careful not to let it get too far out of hand. "I approve," he affirmed, his voice barely over a whisper.
Was that all it took to get him interested? Just changing my shirt? I don't get this…is this really Ryousuke? I guess he is older…I guess he knows about stuff like this… He could have told me. I don't think I would have flipped out…I was already really conscious of him since the day I met him!
"Ryousuke, was it true what you said before?" Takumi asked tentatively.
"Hmm? About what?"
Should I really be asking this? But…I need to make sure I heard him right..
"About you being…," he took a breath, "sort of.."
"Sort of…what?"
Takumi's face had lost its playfulness and turned a bit more serious; he took another breath. "Were you really…attracted to me for months like you said?" The words came out quiet and fast, but he figured Ryousuke had heard him well enough.
Idiot. But I want to know. Am I…attractive to him…?
Ryousuke chuckled softly. "Yeah."
"And you never said anything to me," Takumi added with a confused expression.
"How could I tell you something like that?" Ryousuke asked in a hushed tone.
They stood in silence for a few seconds; it appeared that Takumi was trying to process a few things. Ryousuke allowed it; truly, he had a hard time with Takumi's up and down emotions, but he figured if it was important enough for the younger man to ask about, then it was important enough for him to answer honestly. He was grateful that Takumi was trying very hard to understand this "after" world with him, so he knew he had to try and have patience. He was pretty sure that Takumi was probably asking a lot of internal questions about him, and about himself too, but he wanted the younger man to dictate the pace of his own discoveries. The last thing Ryousuke wanted was to give him too much to think about all at once, but he probably had done that already. He resolved to let the conversation evolve organically, and if he had to be uncomfortable talking about this with the younger one, so be it. Takumi was worth every bit of anything he could give.
"I guess. It's because I'm not a girl, right?"
"That's only partly the case," Ryousuke said. "It's also because you were on the team. As the leader of the team, it would not have been appropriate. In fact, as amazing as I found everything to be, and for how much I'm enjoying your company this morning, I'm still kind of wrestling with how appropriate it was of me to do what I did last night."
I don't get him…he kisses me on his own. He's giving me these looks, looks that tell me he liked what we did. He was happy. It was so nice seeing him so relaxed and happy because I know he almost never relaxes! Is some kind of reality setting in for him now that i asked him if he was attracted to me? Why does it really matter if I'm not sure about some stuff in my head? I'll figure it out eventually…
"You mean what we did. You didn't decide for me how far to take it," Takumi said firmly.
"While that may be true,-"
"It's actually pretty hard to get me to do something I don't want to do," Takumi interrupted sternly. "If i didn't want to do it, then I wouldn't have. I'm not sure about what's appropriate and what's not, and I'm not sure about a lot of things in my head right now, but that's okay for now, isn't it?"
Ryousuke was unsure of how to respond to that. The sense of danger began to return, and his internal alarm bells started up again, but this was the most Takumi had ever talked to him. He needed to have him get this out.
'Don't confuse him.'
"I don't think that's ok, Takumi, actually," he responded honestly. It unnerved him to speak such truths aloud, but, he knew that he'd feel like even more of an asshole if Takumi were to think he had been taken advantage of someday. There would be no way of keeping him in his life even as a friend if Takumi decided that the night before had been a horrible mistake.
"Why not? I don't have to know every reason for everything I do right away, do I? I don't know your reasons, so why do you have to make sure I know my own?
"Well," Ryousuke replied cautiously, "I understand myself more than I understand you. That's why I suppose I need to make sure you didn't do any of this with the wrong motivation. If you did, I'm not sure I could forgive myself."
What's that supposed to mean? Now he's overcomplicating things again. I can't understand him when he does that. I just wanted to do it. That should be good enough for today for crying out loud.
Takumi's brows furrowed. "I already said I didn't regret it. Why isn't that enough for you? Why do I have to have a reason for doing anything?"
Ryousuke exhaled. "It relieved me to hear you say that," he began, "but you have seen a side of me that almost no one else has. I can't help but to be cautious about that."
Takumi's face flushed for a split second, but the determination in his eyes did not disappear. "I have seen different sides of you, even if you think I don't notice. You weren't cautious in Kanagawa when you pulled me aside and told me to string the opponent along for a few corners then, 'crush him after that'. Someone who's cool and collected all the time wouldn't put it like that!"
"That's different," Ryousuke replied calmly in response to Takumi's elevated volume. What did that have to do with going to bed with him anyway? Ryousuke had thought he had made some progress with translating Takumi's often roundabout way of expressing himself, but he couldn't understand why his battle advice would come into play in this situation. Part of him was glad they were actually having a conversation where Takumi was saying more than two words at a time, but he supposed that it would take more than one night alone with him to make their conversations easier.
"No, it's not different," Takumi returned with a frustration laced scowl. "I know I'm not good at explaining things. Forget it."
Ryousuke shook his head. "I'm sorry I don't understand-"
"Stop apologizing!" Takumi retorted. "If you keep doing that, I really will think we did something wrong!"
"It wasn't wrong," Ryousuke asserted sternly. "But, if I'm saying to you that I don't understand something, don't just tell me to 'forget it'. You should know me well enough by now to know that I do not accept incomplete explanations, but I will give you all the chances in the world to get me to understand. Don't stubbornly decide for yourself that I'm not selfish for wanting you the way I do, or equate coaching you as your team leader to taking you to bed with me."
"You decided for yourself that you were attracted to me for some reason and you never let me know! How's that any less stubborn?! Don't I deserve to know why?!"
Should I really be yelling at him like this? Why am I mad? What the hell am I doing here?
Ryousuke let Takumi's thoughts sink in for a few seconds. He had to admit he had a point, but he still couldn't figure out what meaning Takumi was trying so desperately to convey to him. Why was it so hard for his downhiller to accept that he simply didn't want him unsure of himself, that he'd feel like he was taking something precious from someone younger and less experienced than he was? When he was younger, he found that it was a struggle to keep this part of himself at bay, secret from everyone. Even at 24 years old, wasn't he still basically doing that, even to the point where he had ruled out all other partners aside from Tsugumi?
"Why aren't you saying anything, Ryousuke?" Takumi asked, lowering his voice.
Truly, Ryousuke felt he'd already taken that precious something, even if it was given willingly, he was now 100% certain Takumi had never been with another man; it wouldn't surprise him to find out that he wasn't exactly a virgin, but, then again, it wouldn't really surprise him to find out that he had been. He didn't know. That was the most dangerous part of the younger man; there were still too many unknowns, despite the fact that his body was so sinfully sexy and responsive. Takumi had no idea of the power he wielded just by being himself, the power to bring fantasy and dreams into Ryousuke's reality with shocking tangibility.
"You were supposed to be untouchable, and I touched you," Ryousuke whispered. More firmly, he added, "I was the one who crossed the line, and, God help me, I'll cross it again a million times if you let me. I told you that you have no idea what you do to me, have been doing to me without even knowing. Telling you, touching you, was not supposed to be an option."
Takumi could feel his face heat; he thought he might understand a little. If he could have calmed down for half a second and thought about it logically instead of just spewing out whatever, of course he knew Ryousuke couldn't tell him something like that. He was a guy and not some girl. Guys don't go around telling other guys they've got the hots for them. Isn't that the very same reason why he always felt like a huge dork around the older man in the first place? For some reason, he just hadn't thought that someone like Ryousuke could ever have that type of insecurity; he was so confident in everything. The guy was certainly confident in bed, having given him sensations he never thought his body could provide.
"You've touched me plenty of times," he said, lowering his voice.
"Cracks in the facade," Ryousuke replied, reaching for, and gently grasping Takumi's wrist with his free hand. The gesture seemed to have an added calming effect on a fiery temper he had suspected Takumi to possess, but that which he had never really begun to see until these moments.
"I…didn't mind…you touching me after a race…I just thought…"
Ryousuke moved his hand to Takumi's fingertips, barely gracing them with his own, waiting for Takumi to finish.
"I just thought…it meant you were happy with the way I drove the course…even though I sometimes did crazy things that weren't part of your plans…"
"Those unpredictable 'crazy things' were always part of my plans…"
Takumi was silent for a moment, deep in thought.
"Okay," Takumi said, returning from the brief reverie, "Then I think I understand something about you now that I didn't before. You wanted me to show you something new about my driving." Ryousuke saw a wisp of a smile cross Takumi's lips as he pulled his hand away.
"Always. And you never disappointed me."
"And now I showed you something new about me. And, I guess, you wanted that too. So it's the same, whether it's about the driving, or just about me. That still doesn't explain why you couldn't have said something to me."
"You're forgetting an important factor."
"What?" Takumi frowned visibly.
"This is a side of me you were never supposed to see. I was never supposed to allow myself to show it to you. Each time I did touch you, it was in those moments where my restraint wasn't perfect enough to avoid it."
"Who made that rule?" Takumi grumbled.
Ryousuke chuckled again softly. "Self-imposed," he returned simply.
"What were you trying to make me see?" Takumi felt himself getting riled up again. Why the hell did Ryousuke always expect him to think?
"Hmm…I wanted you to have confidence in me as the leader of the team. It was best for you to see that side alone so you could continue to grow as a driver, even if it meant I had to be a little bit distant on a personal level. Luckily, Keisuke was eventually able to be there for you for that. Of course, I was not entirely successful at keeping my personal distance during the Project, as you pointed out."
"I've always had confidence in you!" his Ace replied, shouting again, or as close to a shout as Ryousuke had ever heard from him, that hot temper flaring in his eyes, turning them all sorts of impossible shades that Ryousuke had never seen before. Ryousuke mentally prepared himself, wishing he could climb inside the very brain of his downhiller so he could know what the hell Takumi would say next.
"And you may think," he continued, volume ever increasing, "that you've got this persona, I guess, that you need to keep up for appearances. I'm not a person who does that, and even Keisuke-san isn't like that, so I don't really know, but I saw another side of you when we raced, when you were right on my ass on the Akina downhill, stalking me until I fucked up somewhere, and I didn't even have to see your face in the back mirror!"
Ryousuke felt his own eyes widen; it was all he could do not to interrupt the younger man, who stiffened visibly, another flash of anger appearing in those damn gorgeous eyes and a fist clenching roughly at his side. Where the hell did this passionate anger come from? He really needed to learn how to understand Takumi better. Immediately.
"When you overtook me, I watched you drive! That means I watched you! I knew right away that you were not that aloof guy up at the summit, so don't give me this shit about restraining yourself all this time, because you didn't bother doing that one of the very first times we ever met! You could have said something and I wouldn't have freaked out! So it shouldn't matter to you that I'm not sure exactly what is in my head, because I'm still just trying to show you things, even if I don't know what the hell I'm doing! But you should know that I've always thought you were the untouchable one!"
What could he possibly say to that? This must be what his Ace had been trying to tell him before, that he was the same person both behind the wheel and not behind the wheel. It was apparent that he'd pissed him off for not being quick on the uptake, but, really, shouldn't he be worried about him? He should, even as a decent human being, never mind as someone who actually cared about the guy's well-being in every sense of everything? What was wrong with that anyway? He was only trying to take responsibility for his actions with a partner for once, instead of being his normal asshole, bastard self. That, by any normal person's calculations, ought to have been exactly the right thing to do, so, why the hell wasn't it working with Takumi?
There was no way the downhill Ace was sure about what he was doing here; he admitted it himself. So, of course it was difficult for Ryousuke to stop worrying about how much the younger man really wanted this to happen. Why was it so difficult for Takumi to understand why he could never have said anything to him, that he never should have found out about that simmering attraction that had been lingering within all this time? Why was it so jarring to hear that Takumi had also thought him to be untouchable? And, why was it also so fucking difficult not to drop everything in his hands and drag that sexy tight-polo-shirt-wearing body right back to the bedroom to teach him a lesson after hearing him shout like that?
Ryousuke needed time to process this. He needed to think about everything the younger said and analyze it rationally. He hadn't counted on Takumi having these feelings since their race; he hadn't had a clue about that, and, it appeared Takumi hadn't been sure about what those feelings were either. Perhaps he still wasn't sure. They needed to step back and think.
"Takumi, we should get go-"
"No! I'm not letting you walk away and prove me wrong, pretending to be cool! Right now, you just happen to be within arm's reach!"
His downhiller looked like he had absolutely no interest in stepping back to consider what happened the previous night to make sure he was truly okay with it. Ryousuke needed that assurance, but it did not look like Takumi was anywhere close to giving it. Why didn't that scare the shit of the younger man? Why was he willing to just "go with it" despite being unsure of what he was really doing? Ryousuke knew he'd lost control. He should have been the responsible one; he should have stopped. He definitely was not prepared to learn that he had been showing sides of his real self here and there with Takumi without even having realized it. That was too much; how could this young man strip away his facade so easily? There was no way Ryousuke was ready to acknowledge these truths that his young driver could say so overtly. He felt a sensation of being tested, pushed, exposed; no lover should be in a position to do that to him after only one night together, but, here Takumi was, pushing and trying to break through every last one of Ryousuke's carefully crafted walls right off the starting line.
Hearing Takumi convey his thoughts was too much emotional honesty for Ryousuke. He needed space. A moment. A cigarette. A something.
Ryousuke looked into Takumi's eyes, seeing a flicker of something else pass over them. The younger man was breathing hard, and Ryousuke could almost see that snap decision he was thinking of making. Despite not wanting any more dangerous truths to escape the downhiller, Ryousuke felt himself being pulled into his energy anyway. Unbelievably, the stirred feeling from the night before began to reawaken, and the rush that was coming along for the ride was not unlike the feeling of his racer blood igniting. He really needed to calm down. There was no way Takumi would be ready for the raw passion and lust that Ryousuke was beginning to sense was welling up from within. He shouldn't be doing this, letting his mind go to those places it shouldn't be going, but, looking at the gorgeous downhiller, trying to control this urge was like trying to stop a raging river from crashing through a faulty dam. God, this guy was so hot when he was angry. 'Damn it!' he cursed inwardly; getting turned on in this moment was definitely the last thing he should be thinking about. How could this person push his buttons so expertly, so soon, that he had no fucking hope of controlling himself around him?
No. They needed to leave. Now.
"We can talk about this later, Takumi, when we've both had a chance to think it over properly," he replied, not acknowledging anything the younger man said, the truth of it still grating hard on his nerves. He was trying to pull himself and his young Ace back a little from those powerful words, and trying to calm himself from that unsettling need that was welling up from within.
"Thinking isn't going to help me right now," Takumi replied, his voice colored with an eerie calm. Again, Ryousuke felt like he was heading straight into that danger zone, into a corner with no brakes, and there was no guardrail to stop the inevitable crash.
"Let's go," Ryousuke implored. He needed to get out of there before he would show something to Takumi that he was sure the younger was in no way prepared to see.
God help me, but I don't give a shit. He doesn't get it! I always thought about him! Part of me always wanted this! I'm not some girl that he needs to make sure that I'm fucking "ok" with this! I'm pissed! I'm doing it. Now.
Takumi watched as Ryousuke walked toward the door, removed his slippers, and raised his free hand to enter the security code on the alarm.
Ryousuke was about to enter the code, thinking he might have put enough space between them so they could leave, when a firm hand grasped his forearm hard enough to where he thought it might actually bruise. He froze. "Takumi..." he whispered. "What are you doing…?"
The next thing Ryousuke knew, he was being whipped around and pushed, hard, his back up against the wall of the vestibule of the apartment. 'Is he fucking crazy?!' he thought wildly. It was sudden, and forceful. And hot. How the hell was he supposed to clear a corner like this? The shoe rack that held their shoes toppled over, and Takumi braced his arms onto the walls, effectively trapping Ryousuke between them. He couldn't allow this. Takumi wasn't ready. How could he be? "Takumi...if you don't stop now, I won't be able to..."
"Stop pissing me off!" Takumi commanded, almost growling, as he crashed his lips against Ryousuke's mouth, disregarding his mentor's shocked expression. A shot of erotic excitement went through Ryousuke that he could no longer will away. The sensation of being dominated by his young driver, to the extent that Takumi would disregard his typical politeness excited him more than any previous partner ever had.
God, Takumi was so dangerous, all the unknowns making themselves known faster than Ryousuke was prepared to handle them. No one had ever dared to do such a thing with him before, and Ryousuke knew instantly that there would be no holding himself back. Takumi pulled back with his mouth and pressed his hardening groin against Ryousuke's body, roughly jamming his forehead into the man's sternum.
The faulty dam he was trying to shore up came crashing down, and any control he was keeping flowed away with the floodwaters as that firm young body pressed roughly against him.
'Oh, you're in trouble,' Ryousuke thought amid the surge of his own desire and the sound of his mental alarms screeching inside his brain telling him to just get the hell out of there before there was no other option. Takumi was challenging him to find that other option, and Ryousuke was losing.
Decision made. Other options gone. He lost.
"Fuck," he cursed quietly. He dropped everything he was holding and raised his hands to grab and lift Takumi's beautiful pissed off face from his chest. He held him firmly, locking their lips together, then thrusted his tongue through them as deep as he could possibly get it with Takumi responding with his own in a battle of sheer will and want as he tried to do the same goddamn thing.
Ryousuke broke the kiss abruptly by pushing Takumi away, his hands still clasped to Takumi's flushed cheeks.
"Is this what you want to see?!" he spat, shedding all pretenses. If Takumi was challenging him directly, this was the downhiller's very last opportunity to pull back from it. Ryousuke was staring him down, searching for any hesitation in his protégé.
There was no hesitation, no shock in Takumi's expression at all. Only those determined eyes, those damn "fuck me" eyes and that goddamn sinful body that destroyed all of Ryousuke's restraint. Every man has a limit with desire that, once exceeded, he can no longer hold back. And Takumi had just shattered that limit.
"Fine then."
Ryousuke let go of his downhiller's face, then immediately grabbed him by the front of his jeans, pulling him back to contact with his own body as he unfastened the button and shoved down the zipper. Takumi clamped his eyes shut, as Ryousuke gripped his arousal firmly and began to outright devour the younger man's neck with his mouth.
Takumi was struggling to rid the sport coat from Ryousuke's body. When it finally fell to the floor after a frantic tangling of limbs and sleeves, he threw his head back, gasping as Ryousuke squeezed him firmly again through his shorts. Ryousuke pushed himself off the wall, his hand never leaving the erection of the other. He spun Takumi quickly around and forced him against the opposite wall, his chest hitting it with a dull thud, and a low grunt escaping him. Ryousuke pressed himself up against his back firmly enough so that he knew Takumi would feel his arousal. He grabbed a fistful of hair and yanked, pulling his lover's head back so he could whisper hotly into his ear.
"If this is what you want, you have exactly five seconds to get this hot body of yours into my bed," Ryousuke rasped into Takumi's ear, taking his earlobe firmly with his teeth and pulling hard on Takumi's body, his hand slipping through the opening in Takumi's shorts and touching his hot and hard flesh.
Takumi was straining to breathe in response to Ryousuke's urgent jerks of his length and the taut sting of his hair pulled so forcefully. "If...you can wait that long...," he sputtered between pained gasps, "I'll wonder if you really want me!"
Ryousuke could feel his eyes roll back as they closed, and he clenched his teeth, his fingers still gripping Takumi's hair. "Of course I fucking want you," he hissed. "But if I take you here, now..."
"What?!" Takumi impatiently spat.
"I will hurt you!" he seethed lowly into an ear, rocking his hips sharply into Takumi's back once.
So the hell what?! I want you NOW! Don't you get it?!
"Just do it!" Takumi breathed. "I won't fucking break!"
The desperation in Takumi's voice, overthrew absolutely all of Ryousuke's remaining better judgment. He released his grip of Takumi's hair and roughly put his hand under his shirt, frantically feeling the perfectly toned body, as the younger man heaved in response to the continued stroking of his erection. "Get this shirt off."
As Takumi put his hands down to lift the polo shirt off, Ryousuke abruptly grabbed the jeans and shorts and yanked them down to where they fell to his ankles, his hands instinctively squeezing the firm flesh of Takumi's ass and his thighs. Once the shirt was off him, Takumi reached back with his right hand, and grabbed Ryousuke's hand, bringing his mentor's touch back to his momentarily neglected arousal. Ryousuke heard a low growl escape his own throat as he nipped the nape of his lover's neck. "How in fucking hell could you think..." he breathed, between bites not so gentle, "...that I wouldn't want...this?!" he asked breathlessly as he squeezed Takumi's ass again.
"Ryou..suke..." Takumi sighed, now lost in the sensation of Ryousuke's hands roaming his body, stroking him to a breaking point. Ryousuke knew it would be quick, and rough, but he didn't fucking care. Takumi had pushed him so far over the edge of reason that all he wanted to do was bury himself in that gorgeously tight ass.
Takumi hadn't thought it through, he hadn't fully realized that the normally composed Ryousuke could be like this, like how he was in his own most secret, and mostly un-admitted fantasies. It was frightening but so damn exciting. The man's slender body belied his ferocity. Takumi had never in his young life been as turned on by anyone as he was whenever Ryousuke kissed him, touched him, undressed him. Especially not like this. Now he knew he was seeing part of who Ryousuke really was. He wasn't sure what it all meant, what it said about him, or if it was more about Ryousuke than it was about himself. But, whatever it was, he fucking wanted it, and he didn't care about Ryousuke trying to get him to classify it.
Ryousuke had Takumi's nakedness displayed in front of him, his young body shuddering with every rough touch, and low groans emitting from his mouth. 'He's so fucking perfect.' He took his left hand and unfastened his own pants, and started to unbutton his shirt, all the while biting and sucking Takumi's neck and stroking him, the sound of Takumi's moans and sighs driving him crazy as Ryousuke continued pushing him into the wall with his thigh between those naked legs. Takumi's body was so responsive, it was maddening, like some kind of perfect machine that had a one hundred percent connection between physical sensation and emotional instinct. Having finally managed to unbutton his shirt with only one hand, he hurriedly removed his arms from its sleeves, barely disrupting his rhythmic attention to Takumi's arousal. Takumi would not last long, but, obviously he wasn't about to start caring about that now. He just needed to get off.
Ryousuke wasn't thinking anymore about regrets or about the pain he was about to inflict on his protégé's gorgeous body. The thought of experiencing Takumi's tightness again was sending a throbbing ache to his own body, and he needed the relief of an immediate release. Did Takumi honestly understand what he was asking for? Ryousuke didn't have time now to consider and he didn't fucking care. Even though it would be rough, even though he felt like his desire was blinding him by the second, with Takumi, it was different somehow. Ryousuke suddenly had the notion that, in the end, this wouldn't exactly turn out to be like the other quick, hard fucks he'd had in the past.
He pushed his pants down and stepped out of them. When he pressed his naked erection up against Takumi from behind, Takumi drew in his breath sharply. He slipped his left arm around Takumi's ribcage, passing over, then roughly pinching his nipples which were hard and, he discovered by way of hearing him half-whimper and half-sigh, extremely sensitive. Ryousuke rested his head on Takumi's shoulder, his hand kneading Takumi's chest, then that luscious ass, his body involuntarily seeking the feeling of skin on skin. He released his hold on Takumi's arousal, the hand joining his other hand in a renewed and heated exploration of his chest and torso. He could hear Takumi muttering something angry and unintelligible under his breath as he clenched his teeth and drew his hands into fists on the wall.
"Ryousuke...!" Takumi gasped. Ryousuke could see his profile, and Takumi's eyes were squeezed shut again in concentration, or maybe, frustration, that hands were on his chest and not elsewhere. Ryousuke glanced downward, and saw that Takumi's body was swollen and probably aching for release, the moisture already beginning to gather upon it. The sight of him in an agonizing state of want was more than Ryousuke could handle. "Fucking touch me!"
'Oh dear God…'
The wild thought barely registered as Ryousuke immediately lowered his right hand to Takumi's erection, receiving a hissed sigh of relief from him that Ryousuke's hand had found his body again. He kept his strokes fast and rhythmic; the sounds of Takumi's short intakes of breath and of the occasional hit to the wall with his fists were deliciously arousing.
Ryousuke unlaced his left arm from around Takumi's body and brought his fingers to the younger man's mouth. He traced his jaw, feeling that the younger man's teeth were still clenched. "Open your mouth. Now," he commanded hotly into his ear.
Takumi did not hesitate, and Ryousuke placed two fingers inside Takumi's mouth, getting them wet with saliva. Amazingly, not only did Takumi allow their presence, he began sucking on them, rolling his tongue around them which caused Ryousuke to involuntarily squeeze harder on his body. Takumi shuddered, and his mouth opened of its own accord. Ryousuke took his moistened fingers and found Takumi's entrance, pushing them in with an urgency that caused Takumi to immediately tense. Ryousuke knew he wouldn't be able to prepare him as well as he should, but too fucking bad. He'd asked for this, demanded this, and goddamn it, he was going to get it.
He pushed with his insistent fingers, forcing Takumi to accept a rhythm which he hoped would help to open his body. He felt that Takumi was growing harder. "Is this really what you wanted to see?!" he snapped.
"What the fuck are you waiting for?!" Takumi shot back.
"Oh you are beyond dangerous," Ryousuke growled. He withdrew his fingers, and switched hands, bringing his other hand to his own mouth, wetting his fingers, and then bringing them down to his own length.
Without warning, verbal or otherwise, he forced his body deep inside his that of his lover's, and Takumi cried out. Feeling the tight heat of him on his bare flesh was too much. He thrust hard, anchoring the supine body to his own with a firm hand on his hip as the other remained focused on Takumi's length. He kept pushing; the cries Takumi tried to muffle were only making him move faster, harder. He could feel Takumi stiffen within his hand.
A second later, Takumi's body clamped down, and he cried out again as he came into Ryousuke's hand. Ryousuke felt the pressure in his own groin and the feeling of Takumi's wet release on his fingers. He let go of Takumi's length and gripped his thigh, steadying him. His final thrusts were raw and deep, and he came hard, feeling himself fill Takumi's body. Takumi was trembling, supporting himself with the wall, and Ryousuke let his forehead fall onto the young man's back, his arms encircling him, his palms flattened against that gorgeously shaped heaving chest.
Then, something surprised him more than Takumi's behavior, more than even his own. He suddenly craved for an embrace and closeness never given to nor received from any prior partner after doing something so reckless and raw.
Places on Takumi's body where he had bitten, he now wanted to soothe. Places where he had grabbed and pinched, he now wanted to caress. Erotically demanding, ugly phrases spoken in the heat of passion he now wanted to replace with reassuring words of…love?
He blinked back the moisture that was gathering at the corner of his eyes.
How could Takumi bring so many different sides of him out in the open so quickly? It was terrifying.
Ryousuke seemed to be frozen in place, his forehead still connected to Takumi's shuddering form. He was blinking rapidly, trying to keep his unexpected tears from gathering at the corners of his eyes.
He was not really an emotional person. He wasn't. He'd had times like this with a couple of other partners and it never affected him this way. Never. So why was it so easy to completely lose himself with Takumi that way he had? How was it that he could have such utterly mindblowing sex with a person who probably had close to zero experience?! Why did Takumi have to push him so far that some of the deepest, darkest, ugliest parts of him had to be revealed to the one person to whom he never wanted to show it in the first place?
He heard Takumi choke on his breath a little, and Ryousuke raised his head, taking a couple of reassuring breaths to calm himself from the seemingly endless rush of adrenaline and endorphins coursing through his body. Takumi's head was down; his hands remained balled into white-knuckled fists against the wall. Ryousuke still had his arms around the younger man, and he tightened his grip on him as he pulled out of his body. Takumi's body tensed in a slight resistance to the movement, and he shuddered again when he felt the warmth of a little of the liquid release leave his body. Ryousuke needed to get him into the shower and let the hot water wash over him.
Calming himself further, and without a word, Ryousuke raised his arms, and put his hands over Takumi's. He pulled him from the wall and back into his body, loosening his lover's tightly balled fists by uncoiling his fingers and entwining them together with his own and bringing his arms down to cross in front of his waist. The younger nearly collapsed into him; Ryousuke held his forearms steady across his abdomen. Takumi's eyes were still closed, and his chest was still heaving in ragged bursts of breath. "Can you move?" he whispered into sweat-dampened hair, trying to be as soothing as possible, taking one of his hands and moving it upward to gently stroke a cheek with his fingertips, barely touching. Takumi nodded once. 'Shit, Takahashi. You've hurt him.'
For once in his life, Ryousuke was at a loss for words. It was as if neither one of them knew exactly what had just happened just after the most climactic seconds had passed. Somehow, Ryousuke managed to lead Takumi back into the bathroom, leaving physical contact with him only to turn on the water in the shower. Luckily, it heated fast, and he stepped in, guiding Takumi to follow. Takumi only hesitated a split second before entering the bath, and, perhaps out of some subconscious need within him, he stood with his back against Ryousuke's chest. Ryousuke said nothing, thankful for the contact and showing it by gently squeezing Takumi on the shoulder and soothing with his lips some of the small red marks he'd left on the younger driver's pristine flesh. He wanted to encircle him in his arms again, kiss him tenderly, reassure him, and give into those very dangerous feelings he really did not want to name. But, for some unknown reason, he just couldn't do it even though he really wanted to do nothing more.
Why did I want it...like that? Why did I need to make him want that? I just wanted to show him I'm not a girl and I'm not a kid and he doesn't need to decide things for me! But that…that was…
Ryousuke let the water fall on them for a few minutes, desperately wondering what Takumi was thinking. He found that he didn't even want to dare to ask; he was astonished to realize that he was actually afraid to hear what Takumi's thoughts would be, now that he'd given him exactly what he had asked for. Ryousuke was pretty sure he knew what was going on within himself one hundred percent, but it's not like he could make that leap to actually forming the thought coherently and then having to deal with that type of complication.
Takumi was dangerous to bring him this far. For the first time, Ryousuke felt as naked emotionally as his body was physically, and Takumi having a girlfriend was now officially not what Ryousuke wanted. It simply wasn't fine at all, no matter that he had no right to think that way. This person was so amazing, so fascinating, so hot…he had this overwhelming urge to completely possess him. He had no idea that someone could do this to him after he spent so many years of burying his feelings so deep within that they should have never been able to surface.
Terrifying.
If Takumi were to refuse him now...
I've seen how he is now, or how he can be if I push hard enough. I had no idea it could be like that with him. I had no idea that I could be like that! I…couldn't, be that way with Mika-chan. I wasn't that way with Mogi...why do I keep comparing this to Mogi? I used to think that I...loved...her...
Ryousuke finally started to feel Takumi's heart rate slow as they continued to stand back to chest. 'Okay,' he thought. He glanced downward, relieved that there was no visible blood at least, though he knew that what lay beneath the surface of Takumi's body was likely a different story.
He gave Takumi another gentle press on his shoulder, and bathed himself. Takumi hadn't moved an inch, as if he was in a state of semi-shock, and the sight of him like that was too much for Ryousuke to handle. He warned him, but that sexy, stubborn thing just kept right on pushing until Ryousuke was so worked up that he didn't remember to care about the pain or the injuries he knew he was causing.
Once he had finished bathing, he reached outside the shower for a clean washcloth. He moved a bit closer to Takumi, gently putting both hands on the younger man's shoulders. Takumi flinched a little, but he allowed the contact. Taking that as permission, and desperately needing to bring him around from that shocked-looking repose, Ryousuke finally found himself to be able to give in to his need to embrace that incredible creature in way that he never thought he could be capable of doing with anyone.
Why do I want him to keep holding me like that? Did I ever hold Mogi like that? Have I ever held Mika-chan like that? No. There is really something wrong with me, isn't there, I thought I was being tough, and now all I want him to do is let me lean on him…
"Please don't be angry with me…" Ryousuke finally managed to say, tenderly kissing Takumi's temple.
"I just wanted to know all about you…even what you didn't want me to know…" Takumi responded softly.
"And now…?"
"Yeah…"
"Takumi…?"
"I'm not pissed off anymore…I saw what I needed to see…"
"Okay…"
"Just don't decide things all on your own about me, or for me…I don't like that."
"Okay…"
Takumi remained still, but Ryousuke could feel a subtle relaxation of the tension in Takumi's frame. He squeezed his shoulders again lightly, and he reached down to put some soap on the washcloth. He tentatively brought it to Takumi's back and began to bathe him, not used to this sudden need to be so intimate with another person. Takumi was still, but he allowed it. Ryousuke took Takumi's right arm, lightly running the washcloth down the length of it, slightly lacing his fingers with Takumi's as he drew his arm back to rinse the lather away. When Takumi leaned back a little, his back coming into contact with Ryousuke's body again, he did the same to the other side. 'Okay. He's letting me. Okay.'
He continued to wash him, his chest, his torso, and tentatively, his lower body. He felt Takumi hold his breath for a few seconds, exhaling as Ryousuke continued on to less sensitive parts of his body. He moved the washcloth to his thigh, and moved his other arm to Takumi's hip with a reassuring touch. He pressed his lips to the nape of Takumi's neck, kissing the red marks where he had nipped him in a barely-there brush that might easily have been mistaken for the running water of the shower. Takumi wasn't particularly responsive, but he wasn't pulling away. Ryousuke inhaled a breath, and bent at the knees, washing Takumi's legs. He winced a little at the sight of a few purplish contusions that blemished his young lover's otherwise flawless skin, knowing that it was his hands that had put them there. 'So fucking selfish.'
As Ryousuke continued to bathe Takumi's thighs, he saw a small water-diluted rivulet of blood following the contour of his leg. He closed his eyes. He told himself it was because the water from the spray of the shower was getting in the way of his sight. He knew differently, but guilt had to wait. 'Will he allow this? Shit. I have to. I can't ignore that,' Ryousuke thought, opening his eyes, trying to do a discreet visual examination of Takumi's body, knowing that he needed to treat the injury he had caused. Whether Takumi was willing to allow it or not, Ryousuke's medical training took over.
He rose and drew back the curtain a little and stepped out of the shower. Takumi cast a furtive glance toward Ryousuke as the older man was pulling something he couldn't really see out of a drawer.
What is he doing?
He moved slightly so he could get a better look. Then, he felt his cheeks heat in the embarrassment that came with understanding.
Idiot. Medicine. Of course he knows that I'm...hurt there. He warned me. Do I really need to let him? Shit. He'll probably do it anyway, even if I say something. He's going to be a doctor. Moron.
Ryousuke had retrieved a small tube of ointment. He moved back toward the shower, and released the tap so that the water flowed from the faucet and not from the shower overhead. He dried his hands with a clean towel and stood behind Takumi again, running the index finger of his free hand down Takumi's cheek. Takumi's eyes were closed, and his body was tense again. Apparently, Takumi understood what Ryousuke was about to do.
"I have to," he whispered.
Takumi nodded, but otherwise, he didn't move. He said nothing.
Ryousuke could hear Takumi's breathing become a little more pronounced. He gently massaged his shoulder, and trailed his hand down Takumi's back, carefully applying the medicine with the fingers of his other hand. Luckily, it didn't seem to be as bad as he had feared, and relief washed over him. He couldn't see Takumi's facial reactions, but he knew that he was hurting by the slight tensing of his body, and the even more slight hiss of response to a sting. 'Okay. Done.' It was perfunctory, at best, but it was all he dared do. He stepped out of the shower, returned the water overhead, and washed his hands in the sink in the oft practiced manner of a medical student. He left the ointment by the sink, letting Takumi decide for himself if he wanted to take it. He also got out a bottle of Asprin, and put it next to the cup by the sink in a subtle suggestion to Takumi that he take a couple.
He returned to the shower, and, thankfully, Takumi seemed to be a little more relaxed again. 'Good.' He laced one hand in one of Takumi's hands and brushed his lips lightly again on Takumi's neck, hearing a small exhalation escape the younger man. 'I'm so…sorry you saw me like that, even if you wanted to,' he said to himself.
Ryousuke didn't blink fast enough, and a tear fell, thankfully obscured by the running water. He only hoped that Takumi wouldn't hate him for what he allowed to happen once he had the chance to think about it. He should have stopped him. But, as he had told Fumihiro, he was only human too. When it came to the beautiful young man before him, Ryousuke had to admit that he had complete loss of control.
He's wonderful. I really don't deserve him. He was so...careful. How could he be like that, and then be like...before? Wait. I liked it too. There is definitely something wrong with me. But, Ryousuke...he didn't stop either…so…was it wrong, or not? I don't know!
Takumi was still deep in thought, and Ryousuke decided to leave him alone for a while. He planted a final reassuring kiss on Takumi's neck. "Come out when you want to," he said quietly as he exited the shower, wrapping himself in a towel.
Why did he leave? He didn't seem upset. He was...caring for me. Okay. Maybe he already knows I just need to think. When Mogi left for Tokyo, it was the right thing. It felt right. It was okay. When Ryousuke leaves, will I want him to stay instead? Or, when he goes, will I lose it the same way I lost it when I found out what Mogi did with her friend's father...? No. I can't do that. I won't.
As Ryousuke left the bathroom, electing to towel himself dry in the bedroom, the image of Takumi in that shocked state tugged naggingly at the elder's sense of responsibility. Takumi's own words said he saw what he needed to see, but could he really be that tough? What the hell kind of learning curve was that? If he really was that tough, Ryousuke knew his admiration of his Ace would truly have no limits.
He remembered how shocking it had been for him the first time he had ever been with another man. He had to question everything he thought he knew about himself, what people would think of him, and what implications it could have for his family. Because of those things, he had chosen discretion in favor of living without it at all; he liked it too much to ignore it. He had known all too well that, someday, it would have to be totally left behind. But that hazy future had seemed very vague and far away to him when he was eighteen.
Now, at twenty-four, the time to end his discreet affairs was imminent. Until this weekend, he had trained his mind into some form of quiet acceptance, carefully crafting a logical simulation to provide for a certain measure of happiness in the face of leaving part of himself behind. He was always confident that he would be fine with it; his last almost-year or so of self-imposed denial, the lack of physical contact with other people, seemed to bear out that perceived truth nicely. Now, he wasn't so sure, and he chided himself for having such a reckless thought. There was no room in his future for this, and the beginning of that future was now commencing with the ending of Project D and with getting Keisuke and Takumi secure in the professional racing world.
He suddenly realized that it had been so easy to decide to leave his male lovers behind because he had never felt like he was losing anything more than his preferred way to get off.
When he told Keisuke about Tsugumi, he had heard the sound of his own voice. Calculating. Cold. Detached. Even Keisuke had agreed, and the look on his otouto's face told him that he was startled by it somewhat. There was no mention of what Tsugumi might have wanted, only that which Ryousuke needed. Her affable charm and, eventually, her body, would have been more than enough for him to have a comfortable life, a settled life, firmly planted in his Father's path.
'First Class Prick. Keisuke's more right than he even knows,' he lamented to himself as he dried off and found a new set of clothes to put on. The water had stopped running, but Takumi had yet to emerge.
He now admitted to himself the real reason he went to the club hoping to see Takumi in the first place. Aside from his curiosity about his Downhill Ace, aside from his nagging, persistent feelings of attraction for him, he had to know for sure that he could leave the person who had captivated him as no other had before. If he could walk away from Fujiwara, from Takumi, there would be no attachment that he couldn't overcome, and he could walk away from anyone or anything if need be. Thinking his attraction would never be returned, it would have been a very nice proof for the theory that feelings didn't get in the way of leaving Japan, racing, or even Keisuke, for however long he needed to go.
If there ever was a miscalculation made, it was now. It was so ironic. The last time he felt he had made such a grave misstep was the first battle between the Red Suns and the Akina Speed Stars, the battle that Keisuke lost to a kid driving a car whose main function was the delivery of processed soy products. Unbelievable.
He went back toward the entrance to the apartment to tidy up. He picked up the clothes, including the borrowed polo shirt, which, was still relatively wrinkle free. He picked up Takumi's pants and shorts, and his own, and replaced their shoes on the rack. He glanced into the bedroom and Takumi had still not reappeared. He settled with the laundry, leaving Takumi's clothes on the bed. He returned to the living room, finished cleaning up, and went outside for a cigarette.
Takumi dried himself off and took a long look in the mirror. He also took a couple of Aspirin from the bottle Ryousuke had left on the sink. Ryousuke had also left the medicine. He wondered if he should take that with him too.
What are you going to do, Fujiwara? Tell him what you're thinking and ask him to explain stuff. He knows you're an idiot, so get him to give you advice. That's the best way.
Takumi took a deep breath, and opened the door. Ryousuke, as expected, had left him alone, but the bedroom door was open. His clothes were on the bed, ready to be put on again. He winced a little as he bent over to pull on his jeans. He put on the polo.
Okay. I'm just telling him. If he gets mad, he'll just take me home. D's over anyway, so, the worst thing that will happen is...shit. I'll figure that out later.
Takumi walked out into the living room, his steps a bit slower, but otherwise not so deliberate as to give away the pain he was in. He saw that Ryousuke was outside again, having a cigarette and writing a text on his phone.
"Ryousuke..."
His mentor looked up, and it looked like he had a somewhat guarded expression on his face as he put out his cigarette and pressed a button, then pocketed his phone into yet another sport coat.
"Did you think a little?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah."
Even though I suck at it. Crap.
"Ryousuke," he began again, a little cautiously, raising his index finger to his cheek in a pose Ryousuke had seen from him many times when he was trying to convey something extremely important, but was searching for the words. Sometimes Takumi wasn't the most articulate person, but, the words he said always had a deep meaning once you got down to it. He had a unique way of expressing himself that Ryousuke had mostly, if not perfectly, learned to interpret in the last several months working closely with him in D. For example, if Takumi said a car was a good car, he didn't mean that it was a top-of-the-line racing machine complete with expensive mods and expert tuning. When Fujiwara Takumi said "good car", he meant that the car was worthy of working hard to draw out its potential. Ryousuke patiently waited, hoping he'd get it right this time and not piss off his Ace all over again.
But, this wasn't a conversation about cars, about objects that you could control with your body and mind. This was about something far more intangible, and, Ryousuke assumed, had to be much more frightening for Takumi than barreling downhill at some 120 kph into a corner would ever be. He entered this conversation with equal trepidation too, a sensation that clashed horribly with his normal flat affect toward matters such as these.
"I," Takumi resumed, "don't know why I did that...earlier, or why I did anything I've done. I don't really know what it all means, so don't ask me why anymore right now, or what any of my reasons are, because I don't know and you just have to realize that's kind of how I work. I don't know how I got mad and it turned into….that… But," he paused, "I don't think I'll find the answer if...we stop. At least, until we have to."
Ryousuke closed his eyes, the impact of Takumi's words hit him almost physically. He really was that tough. Holy hell.
He felt a sense of tempered excitement that Takumi wanted to continue to be with him, but there was caution in his tone, and he, of course, had to reference Ryousuke's own expiring hourglass.
"I think I understand, Takumi," he said, as he opened his eyes and walked toward the young man. He put his arms around Takumi's waist. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and I won't decide anything for you. You just need to say something when it's too much."
Takumi furrowed his brow. 'Okay. I didn't get all of it,' Ryousuke thought. He would have to have Takumi try again. "I know there's more. Just tell me."
Takumi hesitated, again, trying to formulate the words, a blush coming to his cheeks. "That's the problem. I'm...afraid that it won't ever be...too much. If it's with you. What happened...over there," he whispered, tilting his head ever so slightly toward the doorway, "I didn't think I could be that way...I mean, I never was that way before. And, after what I felt...the first time, I worry that you might think...less of me for being like that, and...maybe liking it like that sometimes."
I'm an idiot. Can I even form a sentence?
Ryousuke sighed. "Takumi, I should be the one worrying about who thinks less of the other person, not you, but I'm taking you at your word and I'm not going to let that get in the way now." He placed a chaste kiss on Takumi's lips. "If you think you'll figure things out for yourself by continuing this, then we can do that. And," he added tentatively, "things like what just happened do have their place."
"So…you liked it…"
Ryousuke lifted Takumi's chin with two fingers and drew him into a deeply probing kiss. "Are you kidding me…how could I not…" he whispered between more kisses. "You drive me absolutely crazy…"
Okay. I guess I'm not some kind of freak. But I honestly don't know if it was wrong or not. What even am I anymore?
Ryousuke broke the kiss and put his hands on Takumi's flushed cheeks. "Spending time together won't always lead to the bedroom...or anywhere else, but, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be wanting it anyway, whatever way you're in the mood for. But, in the end, if you decide this is not what you want, that's okay."
Takumi was thinking again. Ryousuke studied his face, and he still had the sense of his own nakedness. When had Takumi gone from a teenager with racing sense that Ryousuke simply had wanted to acquire for his skills behind the wheel, from someone whom he knew would help to prove his theory, to someone who was...precious? Takumi's barely spoken reference to Ryousuke's imminent departure for America had struck a chord within him not ever before played. He still had to go; there was no avoiding that, and he hated it. He was getting horribly ahead of himself; the caution in Takumi's voice told him that the young man wasn't sure what answer he might find; no matter what his words were, or how tough he clearly was, there had to be some questioning about himself going on in that brain of his. The thought that Takumi might, at some point before Ryousuke was to leave, discover that he couldn't continue being with him was not a pleasant one. At least, if it was over when Ryousuke left Japan, then distance would ease the sense of loss Ryousuke had to admit he knew he would feel.
"Is this really okay? I know I have to kind of get some stuff right in my head, or it won't be fair… to you."
Any advice would be appreciated here! Tell me what the hell is wrong with me, and fix it!
"Are you looking for some kind of advice, Takumi?" Ryousuke asked, sensing that was the true point behind all of Takumi's words. Damn.
'Don't confuse him.'
Of course he had to be feeling confused. For all Fumihiro's admonition was worth, of course confusion would be inevitable. Ryousuke had felt that way himself years ago, and, as Takumi nodded an assent to his question, he tried to tap into that feeling, trying to remember everything about his own battle with desires that were supposed to have been forbidden. He thought that using himself as an example might ease Takumi's apparent perception that there might be something "wrong" with him that needed to be corrected.
"I'm going to tell you something that may surprise you to hear, and it's something I've never told to anyone before, mainly, because there was no one I could have told."
Takumi's expression was filled with the rapt attention Ryousuke had seen dozens of times when they were discussing strategy, or technique, or mods. He sighed. "After I had been with...another man, the first time, I mean, I cried myself to sleep at night for a week."
"You did?" Takumi breathed, his expression now filled with disbelief.
"Yeah."
"Why?" he whispered.
"Because I thought that there must be something dreadfully wrong with me to have liked it, and to want it again. I imagine you might be feeling something like that, right?"
Yes! Now, either tell me it's not wrong, or fix it!
"Of course, I've had some time to deal with that," he continued, pulling Takumi closer. Takumi hesitantly raised his hands, then firmly held him, apparently thinking he was about to receive some kind of wisdom that Ryousuke wasn't sure he had for him. "But, as you know, our time is incredibly short, isn't it?" he whispered. He felt Takumi nod into his shoulder. "Thankfully, you're a lot tougher than I ever was, and your instinct is your greatest gift. If you go with that, then you'll never be wrong."
Tougher? Than Ryousuke? Why does he always say shit I can't understand right away?
"We can stop at any time," Ryousuke continued, not really wanting to say that at all, but knowing Takumi needed the reassurance. "If your instinct tells you to stop, I will accept that. There's nothing to worry about."
"What if...it doesn't tell me to stop? Will you worry then?" Takumi asked quietly, his voice sounding a little unsure.
Ryousuke sighed. What a loaded question that was. Hadn't he gone down a similar conversational path with Kaori, trying to remove all of her worries and give her all the freedom she would need to decide for herself? No. It wouldn't be the same. It couldn't. 'He's much stronger,' he reminded himself.
"Look at me for a minute," he gently directed, and Takumi pulled back and looked at him seriously.
"Honestly, yeah. I might be worried then, but not for any of the reasons you might think."
Tell me what you mean! Please...
Takumi looked away a little, a new blush coming to his cheeks. "I'm sorry. This is wrong, isn't it?"
"No," Ryousuke said firmly. "It's not. Don't you dare apologize. For anything. God, Takumi, can't you understand how much I want this? Want you?"
"But you could have...anyone," Takumi whispered. Ryousuke was immediately thrown back slightly in time, listening to Keisuke telling him the very same thing only a few days before. He could tell Takumi what he told Keisuke, that, no, he couldn't have anyone he wanted. But, he knew that might scare the already unsure Takumi off, or worse, piss him off, which would then force him to have to explain things about his other responsibilities that he really didn't care to explain yet while things were so new. That simulation would, no doubt, end in failure too.
"Unfortunately, it's more complicated than that, Takumi," he vaguely replied, hoping that would be enough for the moment. "But it doesn't take away from the fact that being with you...is thrilling," he said, placing a hand on the side of Takumi's face. "There's no 'anyone' now, and there hasn't been for some time. If you want to continue seeing each other this way, there really wouldn't be anything that would make me happier."
Before Ryousuke realized it, the truth had escaped him, and Takumi looked at him with wide eyes. "Does this...really make you happy, Ryousuke?"
This? Me? I...made him happy?
Ryousuke kissed him tenderly, and Takumi closed his eyes, accepting Ryousuke's tongue and gently rolling his own with it. "Yeah," Ryousuke replied as he pulled back, and, with more seriousness in his tone, "but don't do this because of that. Please, don't do it for that."
Why? You're not telling me something. Something...important. Does this mean I have to figure it out for myself? Shit! But, he said he was happy. Am I...happy?
Takumi was silent. The thought that Takumi would see him only to please him was disconcerting. That was definitely not what Ryousuke wanted; that was the wrong motivation. However, he admitted selfishly to himself, he would take it. He would take anything Takumi would give if it meant he could have him all to himself for these final months before he was to leave. Ryousuke felt pathetic, and desperate; it was another new sensation that being with Takumi had given him. He had seen sides of the young man that even his wildest fantasies could not have provided him, and he'd seen the deep complexity that he knew was there all along, waiting to be fully discovered.
He only wanted more. More of his body. His mind. His...heart.
Ryousuke was always asking for more from Takumi in battles, and now, in this incredibly intense and personal time that they had shared. Ryousuke still couldn't completely understand why Takumi had gone so far...with him. He knew he didn't deserve it. He should have kept control. Ryousuke did not want to leave this person, or the joy, or even the danger he felt whenever he was in his presence. At all.
Takumi had always provoked in him curiosity, and desire. Both were rapidly heading toward some kind of ultimate fulfillment, for which Ryousuke never calculated that he would ever have to prepare himself. He realized that the chance of not feeling loss, or maybe even longing, when he left Takumi behind would be zero percent.
And, if Takumi would decide to want to continue this into something more permanent, there would have to be drastic changes made, none of which had the likelihood of meshing nicely with his Father's life-plan for his eldest son. Ryousuke was getting horribly ahead of himself again, his mind already setting to work crafting a simulation to include Takumi in anything and everything he wanted to do, everything he wanted to show his young lover, everything he wanted to experience with him. 'He could stop this at any time. He could tell you no. He has the right. What the hell are you thinking, Takahashi?!'
Right now, he needed to let Takumi decide, and he would have to deal with whatever the downhiller's instinct told him to do, or not to do.
"I want you, the whole person you are," he whispered. "I want you to find out if you want this for yourself. Only you can know that. Whatever decision you reach-"
"I'm hungry," Takumi blurted out.
Idiot. But, I can't deal right now. I just want to be with him for a little longer. I'll think later. I think I...no. Later.
'Okay, we're done talking,' Ryousuke thought, closing his eyes, and letting a slight chuckle escape him. 'He needs time. Of course he does.'
"All right. Let's just relax and enjoy each other's company for a while longer, okay?" He saw a expression of marked relief cross Takumi's face. Beautiful.
With that settled, Ryousuke put on a light air, and helped Takumi to gather his things. They returned toward the entrance of the apartment and Ryousuke deftly disarmed the security system. He turned to Takumi. "You ready?"
Takumi stepped closer. "Yeah, I'm okay."
He raised his head toward Ryousuke's mouth. Ryousuke leaned down to meet him, and he was overjoyed that Takumi would initiate a kiss before they left.
What a wonderful answer. He didn't say he was ready, he said he was okay. If Ryousuke's interpretation of Takumi's words was correct, it seemed like it meant that his instinct was leaning toward continuing things after all. 'Amazing. He's tough. Anyone else probably would have run away by now, but he's still here. Thank God. You really don't deserve him. At all.'