Shawn walked into Chubbie's to meet Cory after their first day of senior year. He looked around and saw Topanga standing near their usual booth but froze when he saw the impossible. How on earth was it possible that Cory was talking to Shawn's brother?
"What are you doing here?" Shawn asked, approaching Cory and Jack.
Cory started to object, he really wanted this guy to room with Eric.
"He's my brother," Shawn stated flatly.
Cory was shocked and Shawn continued, "Same dad, different moms. His mom bailed on my dad years ago, found a guy with some money and took off."
Jack looked at Shawn, "Look, that's not what happened, I think we need to talk."
Shawn really wanted to see his blood running down his arm. Here was his own brother, the one who never came to save him from the nightly beatings and now he wanted to talk? "You bailed on me... There, we talked."
Shawn walked out of Chubbie's and didn't know what to do. Normally, he would cut himself. It'd been a week since Turner left and a month since he last cut. He knew he was supposed to get better, not go back to hurting himself. He thought of calling Turner, but he didn't want to bother him in his new life, so he just walked back to the Matthews'. Maybe Mr. Matthews would be around to talk to.
Shawn walked into the kitchen and saw Alan sitting at the table looking over some finances. Alan looked up as Shawn walked in and saw a slight look of distress. He had watched the boy grow up and had seen Shawn go through so much; he was good at reading Shawn's emotions by now.
He closed the checkbook he was balancing, "What's going on Shawn?"
"Uh, I just, I…don't know what…" Shawn closed the door carefully and stared at the door handle.
Alan got up from the table and walked over to Shawn. He led Shawn to the table and had him sit down. "Alright, just think through it," he said taking his own seat.
"My…brother. My brother is here." Shawn could barely believe that he was saying those words, in that order, together.
Alan tried to hide his look of surprise. "I didn't know you had a brother Shawn. Is it good that your brother is here?"
"I don't know." Shawn played with the end of the placemat in front of him and thought about what it meant that his brother was back.
Alan looked from Shawn towards the kitchen door as it opened again. Cory entered the house with a guy that looked so much like Shawn it was uncanny.
Shawn turned around in his chair and sighed as he saw Cory and Jack standing behind him. Why must Cory be so stupid sometimes? Why would he bring Jack here?
"I don't want to talk to you Jack." Shawn said, trying not to raise his voice.
"I came here to see you. I go to Penn State now and I thought it would be good for us to get to know each other."
"You have no idea what's good for me." Shawn clenched his hand into a fist almost hoping to release his anger through his hand.
Jack took a step forward and Alan stood up to stop him. "Hi, Alan Matthews. You must be Jack."
Jack took a moment to shift gears. "Uh, yeah. Sorry, I'm Jack Hunter, Shawn's older brother."
"Well look Jack, I think that right now it might be best if you let us talk for a bit. If Shawn wants to talk with you, he can get in touch." Alan was not going to let another one of Shawn's family members hurt him.
"I'm sorry Mr. Matthews. I'll give you guys some time. I just thought I'd mention I came by so I could get to know him- be a brother, ya know? I have an apartment near the college and need roommates, so if he's interested, I really want him there. Just give me a call if you change your mind Shawn." Jack nodded towards Cory and left.
Alan turned to Cory, "We'll deal with you later." He went and sat back down with Shawn at the table. "Shawn, what's going through your head about all this?"
Shawn unconsciously ran his hand over his scars. He usually never realized that he did this when he was thinking about cutting. It was extremely helpful to the Matthews though. It helped them know what mindset Shawn was in.
Alan tried again to get Shawn out of his own head, "Shawn? You gotta talk to me…"
"Sorry Mr. Matthews. I… I don't really know what I'm thinking. I mean, I don't even know him, but he left back then ya know, and now he just wants to come and make up for all of that by playing house together…"
"Shawn, his mother left and took him with her. He didn't have any more of a choice in the matter than you did in being stuck with your parents. It seems he's here to make up for something he didn't have any control over." Cory said, walking over towards the table.
"Cor- you don't know him any better than I do. He didn't care about me or what our dad was really like, so I don't think he gets to just pretend everything is okay."
"What if you just sat down with him for a bit and talked?" Alan suggested. "I'm not saying you have to move in with him or that you even have to like him, but keeping all this negativity inside of you isn't going to help."
Shawn sighed. Once again, Mr. Matthews knew how to solve a problem. "I guess you're right." He didn't want to have to explain to them about the letters he wrote as a kid. He knew his brother didn't really care, but Shawn was sick of talking.
The next day Shawn, Eric, Cory, and Alan went over to Jack's apartment. Cory wanted Eric to live with Jack and Eric did need a place to live. Alan was going so that he could be there for Shawn. When they arrived, the Matthews went to see the bedrooms in the apartment and left Shawn and Jack to talk in the living room.
In the end, Shawn decided he would move in. Eric was moving in as well, so Shawn did feel slightly safer about the whole situation. Alan told Shawn there is always a place in their home, and if it doesn't work out or Shawn doesn't feel safe, he can move back home.
Senior year seemed to be going well for everyone, Shawn finally got rid of his 2 week rule and had started dating Angela. He really liked her. He and Jack seemed to be getting along, and he even had a couple more friends to just hang out with when Cory and Topanga were busy. But then November rolled around and two things made life more difficult for Shawn. Firstly, Cory and Topanga broke up. Second, Jack started asking about their father.
Cory and Topanga were broken up and Cory was miserable. He was impossible to be around and inconsolable.
Jack also became impossible to be around. At least every other day Jack would somehow ask about where their father was or what he was like. Shawn hadn't thought about what he would actually tell Jack. He usually went with the explanation tht he had no idea where their dad was, he just took off years ago and never came back. This seemed to satisfy Jack for a couple days, but then he wanted to know what it was like to grow up with Chett.
"Horrible. He was a shitty dad and you were better off," was all Shawn could think to tell him. Shawn wasn't ready to talk about his past with a guy he just met a couple months ago.
Shawn was really on edge again. The stability that he was depending on was fraying and he didn't want to relapse into his depression and self-destruction. He was so thankful that Mr. Turner finally called a few weeks before Thanksgiving. He had wanted to call Turner, but he knew Jon deserved to build his own life free of Shawn's problems.
"Shawn, how's everything?" Jon asked, hoping Shawn was still doing well.
Jon sounded happy and hopeful. Shawn didn't want to bring Jon down, but he didn't want to lie. Jon deserved better than to be lied to by someone he sacrificed so much for.
"It's good to hear from you Jon! I was thinking about calling you. I've been okay, but things here are kind of different lately…"
Their conversation lasted a while as Shawn told Jon about his brother and the stress it was placing on him. Jon was as helpful as he always was and told Shawn to share only as much as he was comfortable sharing. Shawn didn't owe Jack anything and Jack would have to wait until Shawn was ready to talk about Chett.
Shawn promised to call soon and when he hung up, he regretted not calling Jon earlier. Shawn decided that he didn't want to talk to Jack yet. He didn't trust Jack would care and understand and he didn't want to have to think about his father and his beatings again. Besides, he had a party to get ready for.
Cory was the life of the party that night. No one knew why, but Shawn found out that Cory was drunk. When Cory offered Shawn a drink at the party, Shawn really wasn't going to have any. His only experiences with alcohol were that of drunken parents and choking on wine that was shoved down his throat. But something about drinking with Cory and being as carefree as Cory seemed to be, made Shawn decide to try it.
They had a great night getting completely smashed, right up until they got caught.
Cory had decided they wouldn't be drinking anymore after they were arrested then taken home by Alan. What Shawn didn't mention to anyone was how much he loved being drunk. He started drinking himself to sleep every night. It numbed him better than the cutting ever did, but he started cutting again because when he was drunk he didn't care about fighting against his desire to cut himself. It helped even more that when he was drunk, his cuts would bleed more.
A couple weeks after his first drink, Shawn started drinking during the day. He would wake up and start his day with a beer. By the time he would get to Feeny's history class, he'd be wasted enough to not care about what was happening around him.
He found it amusing that no one even suspected he was always drunk. He couldn't really remember the last time he did anything sober. It wasn't until he yelled at Feeny in class that his cover was blown. He left class and walked back to his apartment. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and took a swig. He was surprised when he turned around and Cory and Jack were staring at him.
"Shawn? What are you doing?" Cory asked, dropping his bag on the floor.
"Having a beer. Want one?" Shawn offered him the beer in his hand and smiled.
"No Shawn, I don't. Why do you?" Cory was confused. He had no idea why Shawn would be drinking.
Jack took a step towards his brother. "Are you drunk Shawn?"
Shawn smiled. "Of course I am. I think… I've been drunk… all month."
Cory's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe that Shawn never stopped drinking. Jack sighed and rubbed his face with his palm. "Shawn you can't be drinking."
"I don't see why not, I like it. I like the way it makes me feel." Shawn looked at Cory, "I've always felt like some part of me was missing Cor…. And everyone could somehow see that I'm not complete. It's why I started all that shit years ago, but drinking helps so much. Don't you get it?"
Cory stared at Shawn and everything finally clicked. "I get it Shawn. I get that you are more alone than I ever knew."
Shawn scoffed and took a drink from his beer. "Well I don't do alone real good."
Cory went up to Shawn and took the bottle from his hand. "Jack's right Shawn, you can't be drinking."
Shawn looked offended and shoved Cory. "And yet, no one explains why."
Cory was finally fed up with Shawn's attitude, "BECAUSE BEATING PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY!" Cory didn't know how else to get through to Shawn and he was so angry that Shawn would be drinking after all he'd been through with alcohol.
Jack stared at Shawn. He was speechless. He knew his father was an angry drunk, but he never knew the extent of the problem. "Shawn, alcoholism runs in the family. We can't drink like other people."
Shawn wanted to cry. How could he have been so stupid? He should have known better. He knew more than anyone how his parents were when they were drunk. And now Jack knew about his father.
Jack watched Shawn fight back tears. "How come you didn't tell me Shawn? You didn't need to start drinking…"
"Because you never cared! I wrote you letters for three years Jack! I found out I had a brother when I was 10 and thought you might want to know me... and if you were able to get away from dad, maybe I could too. But you never replied… Not once. Then when I stopped writing I thought you might think dad finally killed me, but I guess you didn't even care."
Shawn finally started crying. He scratched his arms. It didn't do much for him seeing as he was scratching over his long sleeve shirt. "But I don't blame you, why would you care about me? You were better off."
Jack stared at his brother, "Shawn, I never got any letters…"
Shawn stopped scratching and sat down on the couch. Jack continued, "My mom must have thrown them away before I got them. I… I never knew…"
Shawn really wished Cory hadn't taken his beer.
Cory sat down next to Shawn and rubbed circles on Shawn's back. Jack watched Cory comfort Shawn and he sat down on the other side of Shawn.
"But Shawn, you have to stop drinking, it's not going to help fix things. We're going to take care of this. I don't know all you've been through, but I want to hear as much as you are willing to tell."
Jack and Shawn spent winter break talking with doctors about how to deal with having alcoholism run in the family. They were taught how to be around alcohol and whether or not they could ever drink socially. Shawn began to see another therapist to deal with his drinking problem and his cutting. No one knew that he had started that up again. They didn't quite understand how it was an addiction just as much as the alcohol was. He did tell his therapist and slowly started to recover. He didn't cut as often and he stopped drinking completely.
Christmas came and went and was a really lovely time. Cory and Topanga got back together in time for the holidays which meant that everything was going to be okay. At the start of the New Year, Mr. Turner came for a visit. Shawn was ecstatic to get to hang out with Jon again. He didn't realize how much he missed having Turner around. Sure he was a father figure, but he didn't ever treat Shawn like a kid. He never tried to curb Shawn's rebellious nature because Jon had the same personality. He only ever wanted what was best for Shawn. Jon spent the first weekend of the New Year with Shawn and the Matthews. He caught up with Feeny as well, but really wanted to focus on knowing what was going on with Shawn. The Matthews had called a couple times to keep him updated when Shawn didn't, but Jon wanted the whole story from Shawn. They sat in the living room of Shawn's apartment and Jon finally asked how Shawn was really doing. He could tell that something was bothering the kid.
"I'm in therapy again Jon." Shawn said hesitantly.
"That's a good thing Shawn. What's been going on?" Jon only knew that Shawn had been drinking, but didn't know anything else.
Shawn explained everything that had happened and even mentioned how he was cutting. He hadn't done it since the end of December and was determined to start the year clean.
Jon was proud that Shawn made it through another serious addiction but he could tell that something was still bothering Shawn. He figured he should just ask.
Shawn knew Jon cared and he had given such great advice about Jack the last time they talked, so when Jon asked what else was bugging Shawn, he opened up. "My therapist thinks it might be time I talk to Jack about dad. Jack hasn't told me, but I know he's been looking for dad. I'm scared he might find him."
Jon nodded, "I think your therapist is right. Jack needs to know that he shouldn't find your dad. It's dangerous and Jack isn't going to let up until you explain why."
Shawn sighed. "I know, it's just, I don't like to even think about it, how am I going to talk about it?"
Jon looked worried. "If you want, I can be here while you do it. We can do it tonight and I'll still be around until tomorrow night…"
Shawn looked up at Jon and was thankful that he was still being taken care of. "Yeah, that actually sounds like a good plan. I mean, I'll talk and everything, but I'd just like you to be in the room, ya know?"
Jon agreed and Shawn called Jack at work to let him know they would talk that night.
Jack arrived home from work at about 7:30 that evening ready to listen to whatever Shawn had to say. He hadn't told Shawn yet, but he was still looking for their dad. He knew that Shawn had issues with his dad because he was an abusive drunk, but Jack still felt the need to find him. Shawn never really elaborated on the comment Cory made the month before during the confrontation with Shawn. Jack wanted to know everything about Shawn, but he knew he wouldn't get an answer if he asked, so he kept quiet and waited for Shawn to come to him; the time had finally come.
As soon as he opened the door, he saw Mr. Turner and Shawn sitting on the couch in the living room. He was slightly surprised that Jon was going to be around while they talked, but he didn't comment.
"Hey Shawn, Mr. Turner, how are things?" Jack said closing the door and taking a seat.
Shawn looked over at his brother, "Good. I just kind of think we need to talk…I… I know you've been looking for dad still, and I need you to stop."
Jack looked slightly confused. "Oh, yeah, I guess I should have told you about that. I just, want to know what he was like ya know? I had my step-dad, but I never really knew what it was like to have a real dad around. I just want to see him."
Shawn sighed as Jon squeezed his shoulder for support.
"I know that it must have sucked, but really, you're better off without him. Growing up, he never kept a job for more than a week and was drunk every night. When he wasn't passed out drunk on the couch, he was… beating me and yelling at my mom. He started when I was about seven years old... It was almost every night really." Shawn paused and closed his eyes for a moment before looking back over to Jack.
"Sometimes it was because I got in his way or did something wrong, but sometimes I don't know why he'd do it. One time he broke my arm and cracked my head open. My mom had to take me to the hospital and told them that I was hit by a car while on my bike… Dad didn't even wait for me to heal before he started hitting me again. Eventually he didn't even need to get drunk before a beating. After mom left, it only got worse because he blamed me for her leaving. Then he finally left a couple weeks later to go and find her and thankfully, I haven't seen him since."
Jack stared at the floor trying to take all of it in. He never realized how lucky he was that he had gotten out before Chett had the chance to hurt him.
Shawn didn't want to have to keep going, but he knew Jack needed to know the extent to which his decision to find their father would affect Shawn. "If you want to keep trying to find dad, you have to promise to keep me out of it. Don't bring him here and don't ever mention me. I'll only get worse if I have to deal with him again."
Jack was slightly confused what Shawn meant by "get worse".
"Do you mean your depression will get worse?" Jack wasn't completely clueless; he could see Shawn had some sort of depression.
Shawn nodded and looked to Jon. He didn't want to have to talk about all the problems that he had gone though. Jon took his cue to take over and looked at Jack as Shawn leaned back into the couch.
"After Chett left, Shawn wasn't stable. He was cutting himself a lot and eventually Shawn had a suicide attempt several years ago. Since then, he's struggled with his self-destructive tendencies. When his mother came back and nearly beat him to death, Shawn relapsed with his self-injury and still fights it every day."
Jack stared at Jon and then looked over to Shawn, he couldn't imagine how terrible things must have gotten for Shawn to want to kill himself. When Jack didn't say anything, Jon continued.
"I highly advise that you give up on your search for Chett- not only for Shawn's sake, but for your own safety as well. Nothing good will come from finding him."
Jack finally began to understand his brother a lot better. He understood now why Shawn had taken so quickly to drinking, he understood why Shawn was usually so withdrawn and never talked about his father, and he understood why Jon had stayed for their talk. Jon was the father that Shawn needed and deserved.
"I'm sorry Shawn," Jack said after a moment. "I… didn't realize. I'm going to stop looking for dad. I'm just glad that I have a brother now and I'll focus on getting to know you."
Shawn nodded "Thanks. Sorry it took so long to talk to you."
"Don't worry about it. I get it now." Jack said as he stood up from his chair. "If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go think about things for a bit."
Jon looked at Shawn and hugged him. Shawn looked drained and seemed to be caught up in his own head again. He had suspected this might happen.
"Shawn? How about we go out and get some dinner or something?"
Shawn did feel slightly hungry and agreed to go get food. Jon was going to spend the rest of the night making sure Shawn was okay.
The next evening, Jon had to leave. He had spent the day visiting old friends and catching up with Feeny, getting months' worth of advice that he couldn't get back in California. When it came time to leave, he hugged Shawn tightly and had an idea.
"Shawn?" Jon asked, waiting for a response. When Shawn looked up, Jon continued. "Years ago, I promised you a ticket to California. How about you come out and visit over spring break?"
Shawn smiled and laughed more than he had in months. He loved that Jon would remember a promise he made to a stupid, suicidal runaway almost 5 years ago.
"That would be awesome Jon. Thanks for remembering."