Well...here it is guys, we're breaking 100,000 words! Round of applause for my lack of social life *crickets*...anyway.
Thanks to everyone who followed and reviewed, and bless you for putting up with my inability to update regularly (I plead guilty by reason of college). This chapter is a bit choppy, but there were just so many scenarios that I thought were funny, so I ended up just keeping it the way it is. Also, I've gone back and attempted to remove as many technical and continuity errors as I could find, I'm sure there are still some (in this chapter as well), so try and overlook them as best you can. Also, reviews are what I eat, and if you don't give them to me, I'll starve
Guest: Oh, dear god...I've brought out a lurker...I'm a bit speechless, they said it couldn't be done. But seriously... I'm thrilled that you're enjoying the story so much, it really makes my day to hear that I'm offering some kind of entertainment! I love writing Mis and I'm glad you love reading her, and the best compliment I could ever get is that she seems real, that's what I'm aiming for, so I'm ecstatic that I'm hitting the mark. As for her relationship with Snape, I don't think there are any overt romantic feelings between them. But I feel like any relationship where two people are really close and truly understand each other, the line between platonic and romantic can blur slightly. In other words, I think it could be possible for them to fall in love, given the right circumstances...alas, not even I know if that's actually going to happen. Well, now that I've practically written a novel in reply to your reviews, I think I'll just finish by saying I really hope you enjoy this chapter.
Black Legacy: Thank you so much, you get a virtual plate cookies and a new chapter for being so sweet!
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be a poor college student. I am a poor college student, thus, I do not own Harry Potter.
Chapter 14: Fixer upper
Mis awoke to the sound of shouting, she groaned as she heard the voices drawing nearer to her door. It was too damn early for shouting, yet that's what Remus and Sirius were doing. Her eyes flew open as they crashed through her door. Two red faced blurs hurtled towards her at the speed of stupidity, causing her to yelp and clutch the bed quilt to her chest as she sat up, trying to preserve some semblance of dignity.
"Get off me, Moony. I'm gonna ask her, we need someone impartial to decide." Sirius said, shaking off Remus who had gripped the latter's arm, trying to usher him back out the door.
"You can't go barging in to a girls room, idiot, she could've been totally exposed for Merlin's sake." Remus exclaimed in irritation, obviously disgusted with his friend's lack of foresight. Sirius strode toward Mis's bedside with conviction, ignoring Remus, who now had his bowed, forehead in his hand.
"Doughnuts or bagels?" Sirius asked in a voice that boomed with absurd intensity. Mis blinked, her mind and her bleary eyes trying to focus. Sirius loomed over her, his wavy, black hair falling into his eyes. Mis eyes focused better as she looked at him. He was only wearing boxers. It took a moment for Mis to register what her eyes were seeing as, for a moment, she thought it must be some kind of vivid dream brought on by too much lemon pound cake the previous night. Something clicked in her head and she instinctively threw a pillow at him, which he caught reflexively at his naked chest.
"What the hell, Sirius?!" Mis exclaimed, going slightly pink.
"What?" Sirius asked confusedly, opening his arms with the pillow held in one hand and looking to Remus for answers. Remus had his sandy head still in his hands, no doubt questioning every life decision that had brought him to this point.
"Since when are you an exhibitionist?!" She shouted. Sirius looked down at himself, as if he had just realized he had no clothes on.
"I'm not an exhibitionist, but I have been told I have boundary issues." He said thoughtfully.
"Bit of an understatement." Remus said mildly. Sirius shot him a glare.
"Just answer the question." He said urgently, turning back to the girl. Mis briefly considered strangling him, before opting to glare fire into his face.
"That is literally the stupidest question anyone has ever asked in the entirety of recorded history!" She shouted, throwing her covers off in a tiff and standing as tall as she was capable with her hands on her hips, trying to look intimidating despite her pink tank top and unicorn printed sleep shorts. "How in the blue fuck can you not know that the answer is always doughnuts?!" She exclaimed throwing her hands up, cursing whatever god that would allow such ignorance to exist. "It doesn't matter what the comparison is, doughnuts win." She said with finality. "Christ, Sirius, use your head!" She said, her tone a mixture of exasperation and disappointment.
"The hell did I say, Moony?…It's always doughnuts!" Sirius said, his face lit with victory as he pointed accusatorially at Remus.
"Bloody hell, I didn't know I was living in a house of people who have the perpetual palettes of pre-adolescents." Remus said with a heavy sigh. Mis turned and looked at Remus with her eyebrows raised.
"Perhaps these pre-mentioned people prefer picking pastries instead of poorly produced breakfast products." Mis said, a satisfied smile curling her lips as she and Sirius shared a nonchalant high five. Remus narrowed his eyes at her.
"I supposed I walked into that." He said grudgingly.
Sirius threw an arm around her shoulders.
"My little smart-ass protégé." He said indulgently, tapping her nose with his finger affectionately. Mis giggled, before remembering that she was pissed off at being dragged from her precious sleep. Her eyes crackled as she swatted at his hand and slid away from his grasp. She pointed a warning finger at Sirius, who seemed to shrink slightly under her fiery eyes. "Listen carefully, Lassie, when that door is closed and I am sleeping I want you to consider this room nonexistent, it is my sanctuary and I will not have it polluted. So unless the house is on fire, or Mr. Darcy himself is outside begging for my hand in marriage… No one. Enters. This. Room." She said in a grim voice, keeping her steady, dark eyes on his grey ones.
Sirius held up both hands in surrender, and backed away slowly as if she were particularly volatile breed of dragon.
"Alright love, don't go getting your knickers in a twist." He said calmly. Mis narrowed her eyes at him before turning to Remus.
"Coffee?" she said hopefully.
"I'll make some." He replied hastily, clearly trying to appease the girl that had been awoken prematurely as he exited the room. Mis turned to Sirius, looking at him mildly.
"So do you intend to watch me get dressed…?" she asked sarcastically.
"Is that an invitation?" He replied smoothly, with an attractive smirk. She bit back the smile that threatened to break through at his flirting.
"Get the hell out, Sirius." She said, allowing a small chuckle to escape along with an eye roll.
"So cruel you are." He said, as she shoved him out the door and closed it with a thud. She paused a moment before peeking out the door again, appraising his mostly naked body with a critical eye. His torso and arms were wiry with a fair bit of lean muscle, his stomach flat. He looked pretty good, she admitted…until she saw his legs. "…go put some pants on, your upper body is fine, but ain't nobody wanna see your chicken legs, man." She said in a 'don't-shoot-the-messenger' tone. He looked offended by her comment, but he could tell she was mostly teasing. "If you want to walk around the house without pants, you better have the common decency to not skip leg day." She added, shutting the door in his face before he could reply.
Mis climbed down the stairs after getting dressed in a green tank and black jeans, there wasn't much she could do with her hair, she'd washed it the night before and then slept on it without drying. It was wavier than usual, but she figured it gave her a nice windblown, beachy quality…at least that's what she told herself. Her make-up was subtle as it often was, brown eye liner, mascara and lips that were tinted red, nothing overt, just enough to make her feel confident. Walking into the kitchen she heard Sirius and Remus bickering about something or another. She turned the corner to see them sitting across from each other. Mis smiled brightly as Remus caught her eye. He looked better than he had yesterday, his posture was straighter and his skin looked brighter with more healthy color. Sirius was still only in boxers, eating a chocolate sprinkled doughnut like it contained salvation.
"Morning, Mis." Remus said, before turning back and concentrating hard on the newspaper in front of him with a pencil in his hand. Mis wondered if the Daily Prophet had a crossword. "Morning." She replied brightly before turning to look at Sirius sternly.
"I thought I told you to put some clothes on." She said impatiently.
"Don't tell me how to live." Sirius replied, his voice muffled through the doughnut he was devouring.
"Idiot." She said, holding in a smile.
"Nag." Sirius retorted.
"Flea bag." She countered, as she walked over to pour herself some of the heavenly smelling coffee from pot on the stove.
"Fascist." He said casually.
"Douchebag."
"Hell spawn."
"Asshat."
"Bitch."
"Dingbat.
"Ok, that's enough." Remus said mildly, biting the end of his pencil thoughtfully as he continued to focus on his crossword puzzle. Sirius glanced at Remus before turning back to Mis and mouthing something that looked like "Fish vagina." She stuck her tongue out at him from behind Remus's back. She didn't know exactly why, but Sirius had a way of bringing out her inner middle-schooler.
Mis sat down next to Remus after retrieving a strawberry doughnut from the pink box on the far end of the table, with her cup of coffee in hand. She took a bite and chased it down with some coffee before clearing her throat.
"So, I've got plans for today, and I'll need both of you to help me. We're going to gut this place." She said, as if she were a general laying out important tactical strategies. "How many rooms in are the house, Sirius?" She asked, looking at him calculatingly.
"Dunno, 'bout 20, I suspect." He replied.
"Jesus, that's a lot." She muttered to herself.
"Ok, we're gonna focus on the kitchen and living areas today. First things first, vanish everything that is even slightly reminiscent of pre-electric London. I'll start on the portraits, and let me know if there's anything magically stuck in place and I'll take care of it." She said, her eyes bright and excited. "Why?" Sirius asked a bit skeptically. Mis smirked, "All in good time, lassie." She said before taking another bite of donut.
After she finished her small breakfast, Mis charged up to Sirius's room, which looked as though several explosives had been set off within it, though she knew she was no one to judge the state of a persons tidiness. She sorted through his dresser for a moment, until she found a pair of jeans that looked moderately clean. She descended the stairs determinedly, and flung them at Sirius.
"Put some pants on." She said impatiently. Sirius looked like a petulant child, muttering something like.
"My house…should be my rules." Still, he did as he was ordered.
"So we're going to go out today…all of us." Mis said. She looked at Sirius and smiled. "We're gonna redecorate this place, cuz, I can't live in this…" She looked around herself, trying to find a bad enough word to describe the house "…travesty of a home." She settled on, though the words seemed too weak to her. Sirius looked rather excited at her words, Remus looked uncertain.
"I'm not so sure it's a good idea for us all to go, someone might recognize him…" Remus said, looking pointedly at Sirius. The grey eyed marauder looked ready to argue but Mis beat him to it.
"Look Remus…" She began, sitting down beside him. "You're a man of logic, right? There are at least 8 million people living in London, that's not including tourists and people who commute, if we say maaaaybe 3000 are wizards…and we assume every wizard is in muggle London today, all with an equal chance of seeing Sirius and recognizing him, the odds that he'll be spotted are almost nonexistent, and that paired with the probability of him being recognized…pfft, not even an issue." She said casually, smacking him on the back bracingly.
Remus narrowed his eyes.
"How do you know the population of the wizarding community?" He asked, genuinely curious. Mis really wasn't in the mood to break the fourth wall and say that she'd heard J.K Rowling talk about it in an interview. She opted to shrug.
"I'm a wealth of useless information, Moonshine, it's one of my many callings." She said mildly, earning a small smile from Remus. A few minutes later, as Mis was laying out her plans for the morning, there was a crisp little tap at the window over the kitchen sink.
Mis went over to investigate and found a snowy owl hovering outside, and was it her imagination or did the owl look a touch irritated? Mis stood on her tip toes to slide the window open as far as she could. Hedwig flew through with a rather thick envelope that she struggled to keep in her beak. Mis took it from her, after she landed on the counter top. The owl gave an agitated hoot.
"I'm sorry, they probably should've sent two owls." Mis said apologetically to Hedwig, who gave her an imperious look.
"Here." Mis said, quickly retrieving a small scrap of plain doughnut from the pink box on the table. "For your troubles." She said, holding out the food in the palm of her hand. Mis didn't know that owls were capable of looking suspicious until that moment. After a carful calculation on the owls part, however, she deemed that the doughnut was an acceptable offering, and gingerly took it from the girl's hand.
"Might I have the envelope, or do you intend to continue being the owl whisperer?" Sirius asked sarcastically.
Mis gave him a dirty look.
"I don't have to be the owl whisperer, Lassie." Mis said with dignity. "She understands what I say…Don't you?" She cooed at the bird, while stroking her snowy white feathers softly with her knuckles, earning Mis a hoot of confirmation and a small affectionate nip.
"She has a literal bird brain, Mis." Sirius said mildly.
"That doesn't stop you from understanding me." She deadpanned, turning to smile at him sweetly. Remus barked a laugh that he tried to cover up as a cough when Sirius glared at him. "Looks like we're going to have to stop by a hospital." Mis said regretfully.
"Hmmm?" Remus asked, falling straight into her comedic trap.
"We need to take Sirius to the BURN UNIT." She taunted, before she caught herself up in little giggling fits.
"I swear, Mis, you make yourself laugh more than anyone I've ever met." Sirius said, shaking his head, but there was a fondness in his voice. Mis nodded thoughtfully still chuckling slightly.
"Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused." Remus said wisely, glancing at Mis, whose eyes were sparkling from her laughter. Mis wiped her eyes on the hem of her shirt. Mis heartily agreed with Remus's comment and, she found that life was simply better for the people that didn't take themselves or situations too seriously.
Mis saw humor in nearly everything and she pitied the people who couldn't. In her opinion that was one of the biggest problems in the world, people simply didn't laugh enough.
"Hey Mis, there's something for you too." Sirius said, tossing her a small but thick envelope. Mis furrowed her brows and caught it, quickly tearing it open. Mis's mouth dropped, then broke into a wide grin.
"Dumbledore said for you to consider it your salary." He said holding a small scrap of parchment in his hand. Mis pulled out the British notes and began counting them, feeling like a circa 1930 Edward G Robinson in some ganster flick.
"Didn't know Hogwarts had hazard pay." She said mildly. Remus snorted.
"With all the misfortune that befalls the staff, how could you not know that?" Remus asked through a chuckle.
"Whenever wizards do anything practical it takes me off guard." Mis said with a smirk.
'This might have been a mistake.' Mis thought to herself as, for the third time in only 45 minutes, she lost sight of Sirius. Mis had dragged Sirius and Remus into Ikea, promising them that it wouldn't take long, just a trip to the kitchen section for some various kitchen things, and possibly some towels and other boring home goods. She had tried to warn the idiotic animagus that the place was "a goddamn rat maze, and if you get lost you'll be lost forever." Of course, Sirius, being who he was, ignored Mis the moment he spotted the home entertainment section, with it's large TV's and welcoming sofas, and it had only gotten worse from there. She was wandering through the lighting department, pushing a cart through the aisles, muttering under her breath about "the manchild", "simple requests" and "the manchild ignoring simple requests." Remus strolled easily behind her, his hands in his pockets and an amused look on his face.
Mis heard a high giggle, and turned the corner to see Sirius, his hair tied back, wearing faded blue jeans, a grey t shirt, and a leather jacket. He was chatting up a pretty blond girl, who looked to be in her mid twenties.
"Back up, back up." Mis whispered urgently to Remus, who was right behind her. He did as told, and they both quickly hid back around the corner.
"Check this out, Moonshine." Mis said, trying to hold back her laughter. Slowly, they both peeked around the corner. The girl was cute, with long gold hair and a nice smile. Sirius was leaning casually on a shelf full of extension cords, with his arms folded, effortlessly giving out a James Dean vibe.
Mis glanced at Remus, who was smirking in a way that indicated this was a occurrence he could've predicted.
"The way I see it…" Mis whispered to Remus, "We could be good friends, and let him have his fun and possibly get a pretty girl's number…" She hedged, grinning like a cheshire cat. "Or…?" Remus prompted, matching her smile. Mis giggled, the look on Remus's face made him look so much younger, more boyish and mischievous.
"We could have a little fun…" Mis said simply.
Remus would later recount this event to the Order after one too many firewhiskeys, struggling with the story between chuckles. He would say that, at that moment, Mis had the same smile the devil has when he sees someone break a ten commandment. It was a smile that said 'I'm secure in the knowledge that everything is happening precisely the way I want it to, and the universe is in a state of perfect synchronicity.'
"What's the plan?" Remus asked, the boyish smile still in place. Mis resisted the maniacal laughter that threatened to bubble up.
"Hand me a towel from the cart…and find something that looks like a wedding ring…" She said.
After Remus tossed her a pale blue towel from the cart, he started looking through the electrical nuts and bolts area to find something that resembled a wedding ring.
"Ha!" He exclaimed triumphantly, finding a brass washer that was thin enough to look ring-like. He wandered back to Mis, stopping dead as he saw her. She had stuffed the towel under her shirt, making her belly look rounded as if she were pregnant.
"Does it look convincing?" she asked, fluffing it a bit and giving him a profile shot of it. Remus blinked slowly, before nodding his head with a smile on his face. Leave it to Mis to take it a step further than strictly necessary. "Hey, if it's worth doing…its worth overdoing." She said sagely, reading Remus's mind.
"I'm goin' in, come over when I give you the signal." Mis said conspiratorially, she messed up her hair slightly and fixed her face into a mask of righteous anger before charging over to Sirius and the girl. Sirius didn't have time to register confusion as he saw her come into view with her fake swollen belly, nor did he have time to register pain as she slapped him crisply across the face.
"Again?! How could you?!" She exclaimed, earning a shocked gasp from the young woman. Sirius, stared blankly at Mis.
"After my parents kicked me out for being with you? after all that talk about how real love doesn't have an age?" She said, feeling slightly impressed at her own acting abilities which were currently so spot on that she could feel false tears gathering in her eyes. She cradled her belly in her arms.
"What about the baby?" She asked with forlorn intensity, looking up at Sirius. Having heard the code signal, Remus stormed over.
"I knew you'd be here you little home wrecker!" Remus shouted at Mis, causing the latter to turn rapidly in surprise.
"What are you doing here? Stalking us again?! I can't help it that you couldn't keep your man away from me." She spat at Remus.
"Well it looks to me as though you couldn't keep him either, you two quid tramp." He retorted, looking down at her threateningly.
"Don't use any of your mother's pet names on me." She responded hotly, before glaring at Remus as though he were the lowest creature to ever walk on earth. He glared back silently.
Mis turned to look at the woman, who shrank back under her gaze.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know." the poor thing insisted earnestly, looking horribly uncomfortable and ready to bolt. Sirius was gaping in shock, and she would've loved to take a picture of him, forever preserving the complete and total bewilderment on his face.
"Just leave." Mis said with dignity, still clutching her belly. The pretty blonde girl didn't have to be told twice. The moment the words left Mis's mouth the woman high tailed it out of there, disappearing around the corner and into the chandelier section.
When Mis was confident that the woman was far enough away, she turned to Sirius and smiled. The grey eyed marauder looked like he'd just been bludgeoned with a sledge hammer. It took several long moments before the situation began to properly coagulate in his mind, and when it did he slid his jaw in annoyance.
"That…was not kind." Sirius stated firmly. Mis chuckled smugly, pulling the towel out from her shirt.
"You're right." she confirmed brightly.
Sirius turned to Remus.
"Et tu, Brute?" He said accusatorially, pointing a finger of condemnation at him. Remus laughed.
"It was her idea." he said waving both hands in her direction as if that would waft Sirius's righteous anger towards her and away from himself.
"Now…" Mis started, still smirking in self satisfaction. "I think we've all learned an important lesson here…haven't we Sirius?" She asked him in the way a teacher would a naughty pupil.
"There's no lesson here, you're just a harbinger of senseless destruction." He said intensely. Mis considered him for a moment before swaggering over to stand directly in front of him.
"That is the lesson." Mis said, punctuating each word with a tap on his nose. Mis winked at him before leaving him gaping and going back to the abandoned cart to nonchalantly continue shopping. "This means war, Mis! I won't forget this injustice!" Sirius shouted dramatically. "Bring in on, Lassie." She retorted over her shoulder
"How much bloody longer?!" Sirius whined, throwing his head back in despair. Mis and Remus were both examining color swatches in the hardware and home goods store that had been their next stop after Ikea. They both turned to shoot Sirius identical looks of annoyance.
"You remember I was in the Underworld, yes?… Well, I submit that this is the true hell." Sirius said with conviction. Mis snorted at his theatrics, and Remus opted to roll his eyes. They both turned back to the swatches in Mis' hand.
"You know, even being a male dog, you certainly do a lot of bitching." Mis said mildly, her back turned to him.
"The bitch insult was clever the first time you said it, but somewhere around the 50th repeat, it lost some of it's zest." Sirius retorted with dignity.
"Do you hear that, Remus? I could've sworn I heard a bitch barking…strange." She said, smirking.
For the hundredth time she held up the two colors she and Remus were comparing. The first was a lavender and the other a periwinkle.
"What is the bloody difference?!" Sirius asked in exasperation.
"I don't care to explain this to you again, Sirius. The color of a room can be the difference between serenity and chaos." Remus supplied blandly, earning a chuckle from Mis. Although this project of hers would be considered arbitrary by some, she felt it to be of the upmost importance. She wanted Sirius to have an actual home, a place were he could be happy and comfortable. She hoped that she could make one for him, Remus and Harry. She wanted them to have a place that they could live in, where they could be a family. She wanted them to be able to divided house chores among themselves, she wanted them to be able to sing in the shower, she wanted them to be able to argue about what to eat for dinner. To her, she wasn't decorating a house, she was building a haven.
"It's always the little things, Sirius." She agreed with Remus brightly. Sirius huffed once again.
"I think Lavender Fields…It goes better with the Antique Lace." Remus said finally, holding the off white color up against it.
"Yeah, I think you're right." Mis said nodding.
"But that's so girlie!" Sirius whined, looking over Mis and Remus's shoulders.
"It's gender neutral!" Remus and Mis exclaimed at the same moment. Sirius scoffed. "Anyway, it's only going to be an accent wall." Remus said, putting back the other swatches while Mis went to the counter for the paint to be mixed.
"Fine, fine. I just have one final question." Sirius said, causing Mis and Remus to turn to him curiously. "When do you two expect your cycles to line up?" He asked mildly. Mis snorted and rolled her eyes.
Mis was enjoying herself sitting on the floor in the bare living room. It seemed bigger without all the ornate furniture, desks, and odds and ends cluttering the place up. She had a paint roller sitting in a tray next to her. After tearing off that awful dirt crusted wall paper, she had cleaned the walls and was just now preparing to paint the room. The three of them had traversed the greater London area for various home goods, and although Mis had been exhausted by a quarter after 4, she had pressed on. They had found simple but well-made furnishing, which currently were vanished and out of site along with the old things. Wonderfully enough, the kitchen had electricity, something Mis had not anticipated but was certainly ecstatic about as it meant she wouldn't have to call and have someone come and wire the place. With a bit of rearranging she and Sirius had found a place for a nice stainless steel stove and matching refrigerator, and after calling the electric company the place was, at least partially, out of the dark ages. Sirius was currently enchanted with the afore mentioned appliances and Mis, instead of nagging him to help her paint (as she probably should have), she let him get the fascination out of his system. Remus had been helping her with the wall paper and was currently in the process of disposing of it while Mis took a breather.
She was just thinking of how much it was going to be a bitch to get to the top of the ten foot high walls when she heard a high pitched scream, coming from the direction of the kitchen. Driven forward by instinct, she jumped up and ran down the hall and turned the corner. Sirius was standing on top of the bench with one leg bent up almost to his chest.
"What?!" Mis shouted at him, scanning the room for the source of the danger.
"Snake!" Sirius shouted, his eyes wide with horror. Remus came running a moment later, leaning on the door, slightly out of breath.
"What is it?!" He exclaimed, looking at Sirius. Mis huffed out an annoyed breath, and crossed her arms.
"Nothing, Remus. Sirius is just acting like a little bitch." She said blandly, before calmly walking around table to see a thin, 3 foot garden snake, coiled up on itself.
"Don't touch it! It could be poisonous." Sirius said hectically, clearly torn between keeping his safe perch and shaking the girl that, to his reasoning, had a death wish.
"There aren't any venomous snakes in the UK." She scoffed, crouching down on one knee, to consider the animal. "Did Lassie scare you, honey?" She cooed to the snake as she placed her hands on the floor next to it in invitation.
"Are you crazy?!" Sirius demanded.
"Probably." She deadpanned. "We had diamond backs living in our back yard one time back home, baby ones. Only time my dad ever spanked me was when I went out to see them. I even picked one up…Its a goddamn miracle I've made it to 17." She muttered to herself.
The snake unfurled slightly, flicking its tongue out curiously, tasting the air. Its small brownish green head considered her hand for a moment before slithering onto it cautiously.
"Poor thing, she's cold." Mis said, allowing the snake to grow accustomed to her hand. Mis wasn't over fond of snakes, but she had always loved animals and they liked her too. Her mom told her it was because animals could always sense gentleness in a person and, although Mis never really considered herself gentle, she supposed that she must be in some capacity.
"Merlins sake Mis, take it outside." Sirius exclaimed. Mis shot him a dirty look.
"Chill, man. She's not gonna hurt anyone." She said, rising smoothly from her kneeling position.
The snake hissed gently as she cradled it.
"I don't speak snake." She replied to it kindly, as if to a human. It wove through her fingers slowly, and looked up at her with its black dew drop eyes curiously. Mis smiled because she knew she had been hooked. She'd had several pets in her life, a turtle, two hamsters, a guinea pig, three fish, a cat, and a tarantula. All had lived happy lives being doted on by Mis, and she taken all their deaths with great difficulty. Tulip, her tarantula, had passed only a few months ago. Tulip came to her untimely (and rather tragic end) as Mis was cleaning her terrarium. Mis had made the mistake of cleaning it out of doors, with Tulip perched on her shoulder. Some bird, a vicious and evil rat with wings, had plucked Tulip like a ripe berry right off of Mis' body. Tulip's remains was never recovered. Mis had held services at sunset. Her family certainly hadn't shed any tears over the loss, they had hated Tulip.
After the death, Mis decided she could no longer take the pain of being a pet owner and resolved to never own another one. Unfortunately for Mis, and humanity in general, Men plan and God laughs. Mis sighed.
"Well, I have no choice…" She said somberly, looking at the brownish green head of her new companion. "I'm keeping her." Mis said with a decisive nod of her head.
"You most certainly are not!" Sirius insisted, scrambling off the table bench and taking a few strides over to Mis. He gave her a wide birth as he gave her a horrified look.
"She's harmless, Sirius. Come here, hold her for a second and tell me she isn't the sweetest little serpent you've ever seen." She said, her voice descending into baby talk.
"Like hell I'll hold that thing." Sirius said in disgust. The snake coiled tighter around Mis' hand and wrist.
"I think you're pissing her off, Sirius." Mis said lightly, as the snake gripped her with its head held and ready to spring towards Sirius.
"I think you should apologize." Remus said with a smirk, walking next to Mis to consider the animal.
"She'll need a name." Remus said fondly before holding out his hand.
"May I?" He asked. Mis smiled warmly, glad that Remus seemed to like her new pet. Mis held out her hand and wrist, the snake looked a little uncertain about leaving Mis. After a moment of consideration the snake unwound from Mis's hand and slithered on to Remus's, keeping a bit of her tail curled Mis's pinky.
"Has the world gone mad?" Sirius asked with a long-suffering sigh.
"Hasn't it always been?" Mis asked Sirius wistfully. "I think I'll name her…" Mis said, looking hard at the snake that was exploring Remus's hand. "Peaches." Mis said with finality, "Is that, Ok, Peaches?" She asked the snake. Mis learned at that moment that snakes, in fact, do have facial expressions, and the expression on the snakes face seemed to indicate annoyed acquiescence. Peaches slithered back into Mis's hand, wrapping around it once again.
Shortly thereafter, Mis found a suitable home in the form of a glass tank previously occupied by a rather disturbing collection of what might have been severed appendages. She set it on the windowsill over the sink to allow her new cold blooded friend to soak in the late afternoon sun.
"What does it eat?" asked Sirius, clearly nervous about having a snake in the house.
"Hopefully I can train her to feast on the flesh of my enemies." Mis deadpanned, before smiling fondly at the glass tank near the window. Sirius mock laughed.
"So funny, I can hardly breathe for laughing." He said sarcastically.
"She's like barely three feet long, and about the diameter of a freakin' pencil, Sirius. The most gruesome thing she's capable of eating is frozen baby mice." Mis said in slight annoyance at his overacting.
"Anyway, quite jerkin' around and get back to work. At this rate, the house will be a ruin before we're done." She said, clapping her hand crisply. Sirius huffed.
"You're so domineering." He said under his breath.
"Silence, peasant." She said offhandedly, taking one final look at Peaches before stepping back to continue her painting.
Mis, Sirius and Remus were sitting in the living room. The only things currently in it were several cushions from the old sofas, and a coffee table. Remus sat on the floor, reading quietly and sipping from a steaming mug. Mis had her hair pulled away from her face in a messy knot, with her clothes swiped with paint. Sirius was laying down, charming various objects into dancing to some generic techno beat, with one hand supporting his head and his legs stretched out with a foot thrown over Mis's thigh as she sat in front of the coffee table and planned out the various room design ideas that she had yet to start.
"What would I have to do to get a foot massage?" Sirius hedged, giving Mis a quick glance.
"Are you in pain?" She asked, not looking up at him.
"Well, I certainly feel world weary." Sirius answered with a pitiful sigh.
"Lassie, there are only two reasons why I do anything." She said in a business tone, still focusing on the room layouts before her. "I do something if I want to do it, or if I'm getting payed to do it, there's no in-between." She said casually, not really engaging in the conversation.
"What's your price?" Sirius asked, poking her in the ribs with his big toe. Mis looked over at him with a bored expression.
"You're the one who wants a service, figure out something that I want." She said crisply, before turning back to her writing.
"I'll cook dinner." Sirius said. Remus chuckled.
"That sounds more like a punishment." He said wryly, making Mis point to him wordlessly in affirmation.
"I'll give you a foot rub." Sirius said.
"No thanks, don't like em." Mis replied.
"I'll get you a new dress." Sirius said. Mis turned and gave him a level look.
"Oh, yes give the little girl a pretty new dress, how about some ribbons for my hair as well, and freaking toaster for the little woman." Mis replied sarcastically. Remus chuckled.
"You're losing her, Padfoot." he said warningly. Sirius snapped his fingers as an idea occurred to him.
"Books?" He said slyly. Mis raised her eyebrows and turned to him slowly.
"…I'm listening." She said.
"First thing tomorrow, we can go to a bookshop…You can get as many of those pornographic novels as you want." He said with a smirk. Remus choked on his tea. Mis gave a dignified sniff.
"They are not pornographic, Sirius, it's erotica and it's a legitimate art form." She said imperiously, not entirely sure why she was defending her trashy novels…they basically were porn.
"Yeah, ok." He said with an eye roll and a chuckle. Mis smirked, then gave up and started giggling. She set down her pencil, turned her body to face Sirius and patted her lap for his feet.
"I accept your offer." She said.
"See Remus? She's a bloody deviant." He said smugly.
"I am not." Mis said absently as she rubbed her hands together, trying to warm them up a bit. "It's a perfectly healthy way to express my sexuality, Sirius, and I don't see why women have to hide their enjoyment of sexuality while men can joke about jerking off 24/7." She said calmly, taking his right foot in her newly warmed hands and kneading the sole with her thumbs.
"I resent that." said Remus blandly, taking a sip of tea and turning the page of his book.
"I didn't mean you, Moonshine…You're actually a gentleman." She said, looking pointedly at Sirius, who was currently too busy enjoying the foot massage to be offended.
"The lady who catches you will be a lucky one." She said slyly, giving Remus a quick glance from the corner of her eye. He shook his head sadly. "I bet…" Mis continued, trying to sound innocent. "You'd be good with a Hufflepuff." She said lightly. Remus choked on his tea again, and Mis had to resist the urge to whistle in some attempt to appear casual.
"Isn't Tonks a Hufflepuff?" Sirius asked, totally oblivious. Mis jabbed a little harder than necessary at his heal, making him wince in pain and look at her in irritation. She looked back at him with pinched lips and annoyance in her eyes. He gave her a blank, confused stare.
"Really? I didn't know that…" Mis said, doing her best to sound convincing, while glaring at Sirius. Remus looked at Mis with suspicion narrowing his amber eyes. She ignored him and continued tending to Sirius's feet.
"Hey, Moony. You should go out with Tonks!" Sirius said, voicing his sudden epiphany thoughtlessly. Mis closed her eyes slowly, and gritted her teeth. Sirius had all the subtly of a goddamn sledge hammer.
"Don't be ridiculous, Padfoot. She's too young for me." Remus replied, trying but ultimately failing at making his voice sound casual.
"Said no sane man ever." Sirius remarked with a snort. "Besides, she likes you, and she isn't that young." Sirius continued, shrugging his shoulders. "I mean, Remus, it's not like you're Gary Pucket." Sirius said with a chuckle. Mis turned slowly to fix Sirius with a hard stare, and threw his feet off of her lap.
"You know what, Sirius? Gary Pucket was the victim in the song Young Girl, that man was trying to be honorable, he thought she was old enough to give him love, and when he found out she was too young he was hurt to know the truth." Mis said passionately, pointing at him threateningly. Sirius looked a bit startled at her outburst, before raising his eyebrows wryly. "He was trying to get her out of his mind, but she always had that come on look in her eyes. He recognizes that his love for her was way outta line, she wouldn't leave the poor guy alone. So how can you blame Gary? He was her prey!" She exclaimed, throwing her arms up in exasperation before crossing them stubbornly and setting her face into a scowl.
Several moments of silence followed her monologue, Mis ignored it and opted to stew in her opinionated silence. Sirius cleared his throat.
"Not really the point, Mis, but I admire your intensity towards Gary Pucket, as I do consider it somewhat of a commodity." Sirius said mildly, his eyes smirking.
"Don't trivialize this, Sirius." Mis said with dignity, lifting up her chin with pride.
"Wouldn't dream of it." Sirius said quickly, raising his hands in surrender.
"Sorry, but I've been a bit lost since "Gary Pucket"." Remus admitted, his tone a mixture of confusion and amusement.
"I digress." Mis said, shaking her head impatiently. "I just think it would be good for you to try and open up your options, right Sirius?" She said, giving up on the idea a subtlety, it was impossible with Sirius in the room anyway.
"Absolutely." Sirius agreed heartily, putting his feet back on Mis' lap. Mis rolled her eyes but undertook the tending of Sirius's feet once again.
"I won't lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind." Remus said heavily, fretfully combing his fingers through his sandy hair. "I just don't think she understands what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone like me." He said softly.
"Someone like me"? What the hell is that supposed to mean, Remus?! Mis didn't know exactly what it was, but whenever Remus said anything remotely self deprecating, she felt as though lightning was charging in her heart. It felt like something fierce and reckless. She wanted to burn away every self loathing thought from his mind the same way lightning strikes and sets fire to a sickly, overgrown forest. She wanted to plant new thoughts in his mind, she wanted to show him his worth, but she didn't know how. Her first instinct was to rage at him, to yell and scream and beat the truth into him, but for once in her impulsive life, she listened to the gentle, still voice inside her head.
"Remus." She said softly, turning to look at him. "Don't say things like that… not in my presence. I know how wonderful you are, and it hurts me to see that you don't know how wonderful you are." She said, her voice was calm but there was something visceral in her eyes. Remus's met her stare and Mis could see she had struck a cord. "You are kind and gentle. You give to others, never thinking about what it'll cost you and I…I wish I could be more like that.…more like you." She said, her voice cracking. She wasn't ashamed of the tears that welled up in her eyes, she wanted Remus to see them and understand…just understand how good he was.
Remus looked at Mis. Her face was so opened, her eyes wide and gentle, like she was trying, with every fiber of her being, to thrust the love she had out onto him. The look she had, promised shelter from cruelty and indifference. The acceptance in her eyes sliced through his heart and, for once, he knew it was a scar that he wanted. It was like a cut that drains an infected wound. He'd seen that same look in Tonk's eyes, but he had doubted it, knowing, from life experience, that it was probably only wishful thinking on his part. It was a phantom look, he had reasoned, brought about by nothing more that pity and well meaning compassion.
"I don't want to push you, Remus…Just promise me you'll think about it." Mis said gently, giving him a teary smile. Remus pinched his lips and nodded once, afraid that if he spoke, his voice would shake and his eyes would well up. It was strange, Remus thought, that Mis could feel so simultaneously familiar and foreign. One part of him felt like he had always known her, like she had always been there for him…for all of them. It was like her eyes had always been watching them. Yet, another part of him couldn't shake the feeling that she was so out of place, as if the very atoms that coalesced to form her were simply different. Remus couldn't know how right he was. She had known them all since she was a child and she they had been special to her for most of her life, and she was from another world, with a different reality.
Mis wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. Now that the moment had dissipated, she couldn't help but curse her own rapid mood changes. She was a master of her emotions in the presence of most people, and could easily ignore them or choke them down so as not to show her cards. When she was with people she loved, however, she found that skill was almost entirely absent and each thought or feeling that passed through her ever switching mind shown like a red banner on a snowy hill.
"Give it up, Sirius. You're not making it out of this one alive." Mis said in a bored voice. Sirius had, in a fit a boredom, challenged Mis to a game of chess. The poor bastard couldn't have known she played at least five games every weekend with her dad since she was old enough to say "checkmate." Despite the fact that she had never been sorted, she was about 98% sure she was a Slytherin and she had made that knowledge know to anyone who would listen. So maybe he technically couldn't've known she was practically a master, he certainly should've known she be kickass at chess.
"If I'm going down I'm taking you with me." He said, squinting at the bored as if trying to decode the mysteries of the game he was losing. His eyes brightened, as he moved a rook and took her white bishop with a triumphant guffaw. Mis smirked.
"I cannot believe you fell for the bait." She said, tsking softly, moving her queen in position where the rook had been moments before. "Check…bitch." She said smugly.
"Fuck." Sirius muttered under his breath in the universally recognizable tone of a person who just realized they had screwed themselves.
Sirius being the Gryffindor he was, immediately saw a way to take her queen. Mis' eyes glittered as the fool moved his bishop to take it.
"Ha! I'll see you in hell." He exclaimed triumphantly, snatching the queen and tangling it in front of her.
"Not if I see you first." she said in a singsong voice, moving her rook to the last row where his king was foolishly blocked in. She looked up at him with false pity. "Checkmate." She said smugly with her eyebrows raised in wry amusement.
Sirius narrowed his eyes at the board, hectically searching for a loophole in her declaration. She let him flounder a minute.
"This is chess, man, not a nerf gun battle, you gotta think at least 3 moves ahead." She said with an indelicate snort. "Now go on and tip over your king. I've defeated you and I like to see my enemies crumble." She continued imperiously, waving her hand airily for him to move it along. Sirius sighed and knocked over his king. "Yeah! That's right, I'm the baddest bitch and you're the saddest bitch. Tremble before my magnificence, oh puny mortal!" She exclaimed, jumping up from her seat to do a spastic victory dance. "See this?" She asked Sirius, she said pointing to herself as she attempted to moonwalk. "This is me dancing on the ivory bones of your soldiers." She said with glee.
"So I supposed the phrase 'humble in victory and gracious in defeat' isn't a part of your vernacular?" Remus asked mildly, looking at her wryly as he entered the kitchen.
"Oh, it's a part of my vernacular, just not a part of my philosophy." She informed him happily.
"I demand a rematch." Sirius stated intensely, scrutinizing her closely with his grey eyes sharp. He dropped the intensity and looked at her in confusion a moment later.
"Also, what's a nerf gun battle?" he asked curiously. A slow smiled spread across the girls face.
"Well, I know what we're doing tonight…" She said, grinning at Sirius and Remus. After knowing Mis for a while, the two marauders had learned how to decode Mis' various smiles. The one currently curling her lips was the one that seemed to indicate that mischievous activities were imminent.
Mis ran down the slightly dim hall of Grimmauld place and darted into the sitting room. She side stepped to the right of the entrance, her back against the wall, clutching the stupid cherry red nerf gun to her heaving chest. She couldn't hear Sirius's footprints anymore, he had been chasing her a second ago after she had attempted a sneak attack in the kitchen. The kitchen, it had been agreed, would be the "safe zone", meaning no shooting, chasing or threatening. Mis, being the Slytherin she was, decided it would be prime spot for retribution after having lost the previous three nerf battles to Sirius.
She would've succeed too if Remus hadn't been a turncoat. The bastard went and warned Sirius of her plans.
"You weren't even playing, Remus!" Mis shouted, not caring that she had given away her position. She heard a soft chuckle coming from the stairs. "I couldn't let my oldest friend be subjected to such devious tactics, Mis." Remus shouted back.
"Out of curiosity, where was that loyalty when she cock-blocked me at the furniture store, Remus?" Came Sirius's voice from the room joined to the one Mis was currently in.
"My involvement in Mis' schemes are directly correlated to how amusing I find them…The funnier the plan, the less is my loyalty towards you. I'll make you a graph if you like." Remus replied, loud enough for his voice to carry, Mis could hear the amusement in his voice. She smirked.
"Duly noted, Remus." She shouted with a chuckle.
Mis heard footprints on the other side of the wall, she smirked. Sirius was trying to be sneaky, but he couldn't hide the sound of his size thirteen clodhoppers if his life depended on it.
She let out a soft giggle, before cursing herself and clapping a hand over her mouth.
"I heard that." Sirius taunted from the other side of the wall. "Why don't you come out and face me, love?…I won't bite." He said sweetly.
"…Said the rabid dog." Mis finished under her breath.
Mis knew she was trapped, if she were to attempt a getaway she knew her footsteps would be too loud and Sirius would dart around the corner and shoot her in the back. There was only one way for her to have a chance, she would have to pull a Gryffindor and charge. Loathed she was to admitted it, Sirius was much better at this than she. She couldn't win, so she would do the next best thing…go down in a blaze of glory. She huffed, cocked the plastic gun with grim intensity, and jumped out into the hall with her trigger finger already firing. She let out a battle cry as the darts flew through the air. Unfortunately for Mis, Sirius had anticipated her attack and was lightly dodging each hectic bullet as it flew. She didn't hit her mark and, all too soon, her ammo was gone.
Mis fired one last time, and heard the telltale click of an empty gun. Sirius grinned wolfishly as he raised his own purple gun four feet from her face. Mis raised her head proudly and tossed her cherry red gun to the floor, somehow making the surrender look defiant.
"Thus was the defeat of Artemis Holtzer." Remus said, walking down the stairs regally. He stood to the side of Sirius with his hand on his heart, clearly enjoying his part as narrator a little too much. "Brazenly glaring down the barrel of oblivion! Unflinching in the face of her own demise!" Remus said proudly, his fist clenched out before him. "Ages hence, this story will be told; a timeless chronicle of the human condition, a memoir displaying the endless cycle of victory and defeat…"
"Can we move this along, Moonshine?" Mis sighed, rubbing her temple.
"Quiet, Mis. He's having a moment." Sirius reprimanded, his gun still at the ready. "Go on." Sirius said to his friend. Remus gave Mis a smug look.
"Fret not, I shall be the orator of this grand tale, Mis. The world will know of your last stand." Remus said dramatically, bowing his head and motioning with his hand for Sirius to shoot.
The stupid yellow-foam dart sang through the air and the little purple suction cup found purchase in the center of Mis's forehead. Never one to pass up a performance opportunity, Mis screwed her face up into a mask of pain before dropping to the floor with a solid thump.
"Goodnight, sweet princess. Flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." Remus said, his voice doing a remarkable job of passing as forlorn. Mis reached her hand out, causing Sirius to run to her side and fall to his knees. He grabbed her hand with both of his own, his grey eyes wide and gleaming with stage tears.
"Scatter my ashes in the the Colorado River at the base of the Grand Canyon. You'll probably need to rent a mule or something to get you down there." She said in a weak voice, gripping Sirius's hands desperately.
"I would, Mis, but unfortunately…YOU LOST!" Sirius said victoriously, jumping up and pointing at her. "Who's the saddest bitch, now?!" He demanded, his arms open, basking in his triumph.
Mis didn't have time to come up with a clever retort, as there was a crisp knock at the front door. She decided to lay on the hard wood floor in miserable defeat as Sirius dropped his stance and nonchalantly stepped over Mis's sprawled body. Sirius walked peppily to the door, and opened it. Several moments of a curious silence followed, before Mis heard a familiar and singularly disdainful voice.
"Where's Holtzer?" Snape asked, and although Mis was still busy playing dead she felt a happy little skip in her heart.
"What do you want with her?" Sirius asked suspiciously.
"Fuck off, mutt. These are grown up matters, so why don't you take yourself for a walk, and let me through?" Snape replied blandly, mixing a bit of acid into his tone.
"I want you and your beak nose off my goddamn stoop!" Sirius shouted. Mis smirked and rested the crook of her arm over her eyes half in amusement and half in frustration. She couldn't hear what Snape replied several notches louder as Remus leant over at the waist to look down at her. Mis peeked up at him through her arm.
"You should probably do something." He said, before plucking the dart off her forehead with a pop.
"I don't want to deal with them either!" Mis said, appalled that she was the automatic diffuser of the Snape/Sirius cycle of conniptions. "Why do I have to stop them?" Mis whined, Sirius and Snape's voices buzzing over each other like a hive of bees and hornets.
"Because you can't get hexed." Remus explain as if it were obvious. Remus offered her a hand up off the floor which she took before dusting herself off briskly. Mis shot Remus a glare, causing the werewolf to smile innocuously and wave the backs of both his hands at her as if telling her not to tarry.
"Go to hell, Remus." Mis deadpanned, turning her back ready to take care of the problem at hand.
"Not really a threat, Mis. You'd come after me." He replied brightly. Mis chuckled, 'Cocky bastard' she thought absently.
Mis sighed as she walked over, fixing her face into a stern mask.
"Sirius!" she barked "Let Snape in." She ordered curtly. Sirius looked appalled that she had attacked him first.
"He started it!" Sirius blustered.
"I don't care who started it." She said, briefly thinking she sounded remarkably like her mother. Sirius harrumphed like a twelve year old and gave Snape one final glare before stepping aside and allowing a smug looking Snape through.
"…and you…" She said pointed at Snape warningly before he walked in. "Quit being an ass." she said sternly, keeping a threatening pose for a few moments before her face broke into a wide smile.
"Come on in, I made muffins." She said happily, grabbing Snape's forearm. She led him down the hall into the kitchen with Sirius and Remus following, the former looking immensely agitated, and the latter no doubt praying for some modicum of civility.
"Sit." Mis ordered brightly, pointing to the bench at the long table. Snape sighed, and Mis was pleased to find he was learning to pick his battles with her. He sat down stiffly, and Sirius and Remus took the bench across from him.
"What kind of tea would you like, Snape?" She asked him, while placing some blueberry and chocolate chip muffins on a large plate.
"I don't trust tea made by Americans." He said disdainfully, and although her back was to him she could feel the mild look in his black eyes.
"Well I apologize if we Americans aren't adept tea makers, but you see we're still bitter about the whole "taxing our tea" thing, so I guess we don't put enough effort into it anymore." Mis replied tartly, reaching up to retrieve some green tea off of the shelf over the stove.
"It's been over 200 goddamned years, don't you think that's a bit excessive in the grudge holding department?" Snape retorted in exasperation.
"Call us in another 200, maybe then we can let bygones be bygones." She said with a snort.
Mis bustled around the kitchen, placing dishes and napkins on the table for the muffins, followed by milk, sugar and honey for the tea. Other than her soft clattering, the room was devoid of sound and when she chanced a look at the table she saw that Snape and Sirius were locked in a glare war of epic proportions. Remus, bless him, was looking awkward and Mis could see him struggling to come up with something to break the angry aura that seemed to cover Sirius and Snape like a blanket of black fog.
"Hello, darkness my old friend…I've come to talk with you again." Mis sang softly as she poured the steaming tea into four mugs. "Because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while I was sleeping, and the vision that was planted in my brain…still remains…" She continued softly, smiling to herself. "Within the sound…" She placed the four mugs on the table. "…Of silence." She finished while sliding the tea to each man. They stared at her, she maintained a look of casual interest. The silence continued, but at least she caught Remus smiling out of the corner of her eye. Mis added some honey to her tea and took a cautious sip.
"Anyhoo…" Mis said brightly, "What brings you, Snape?" She asked, sliding a chocolate chip muffin over to Sirius, and a blueberry one each to Snape and Remus.
Snape stirred some milk into his tea, before twisting the muffin cap off and discarding the stump. Mis raised her eyebrows at him in partial annoyance at his pickiness, but decided not to comment.
"Narcissa Malfoy has sent you a package and a letter." Snape said his tone bored as he took a bite of muffin and chased it down with a sip of tea.
"And what the hell is it?!" Sirius shouted, rather predictably Mis thought.
"Unlike some people, I happen to respect others privacy and boundaries." Snape said mildly. Mis snorted into her tea, 'Snape has him on that one.' she thought to herself.
"That's a laugh." Sirius spit back while crossing his arms. "I distinctly remember you constantly putting your nose where it didn't belong." He continued, an arrogant smirk curling his lips. Mis cringed, that was a low blow…it was a good one, but damn.
"Say that again! I dare you." Snape shouted rising from his feet, and quick as lightning, had his wand drawn and pointed straight at Sirius's forehead. Sirius didn't hesitate, he jumped from his seat too, and leaned on the table towards Snape's wand. She could see that Sirius was going to say something stupid, and cause Snape to hex him into next week. She had to derail this situation fast. Mis cleared her throat pointedly.
"Well, I for one, find all this lust fueled rage quite a turn on. Nothing like watching challenging displays of testosterone to get the libido going." She said to Sirius and Snape mildly. "Perhaps we should leave, Moonshine, I sense a round of angry sex coming on." She continued, taking a nonchalant sip of tea. She smirked up at them and wagged her finger. "But don't forget boys, wrap it before you tap it." She said in light warning.
She reveled in the beautiful shocked silence that followed her statements. She smiled, feeling immensely satisfied that they were no longer looking at each other with murder in their eyes. All of their hate was now focused on Mis, and she basked in their loathing. Mis saw Remus bow his head, and she watched in glee as his shoulders started shaking with silent hilarity. He was trying to stifle it, but perhaps he was unaware of the unspoken rule of laughter: The harder you try to stop laughing, the harder it gets to actually stop.
"I nearly forgot what it felt like to wish death, pestilence and famine upon you." Snape said in a voice that would make milk go sour. Snape stowed away his wand and sat back down, clearly unwilling to pick any more fights with Sirius if it meant Mis would continue to spout her horrifying comments.
"Awww, I missed you too." Mis replied happily, patting his hand affectionately. She looked over at Sirius. "Sit down, Sirius." She said, gentle but firm. Remus gave a loud snort, still trying to avoid laughing for fear of being cursed. Sirius sat down, and turned slowly to fix Remus with a glare. The longer Remus laughed, the more pissed Sirius began to look. Sirius hit Remus's shoulder with the back of his hand. Remus tried to hit him back, but his streaming eyes kept his depth perception faulty, so he just waved Sirius off instead of seeking retribution.
Mis smirked, and left Sirius to his pouting and Remus to his silent laughter. She turned to look at Snape who had conjured a rather large rectangular package and an envelope on the table in front of her. She raised her eyebrows, and glanced at Snape who waved his hand in a motion that indicated for her get on with it. She picked up the envelope. It was made of thick ridged paper, slightly off white, with a red wax seal. She opened it carefully, not wanting to destroy the pretty stationary, and unfolded the letter in side.
Not wanting Sirius to pop a blood vessel, she read it aloud.
"Dear Mis,
I was thrilled to discover that you had accepted my invitation. I'm sure you must be busy, but I would like you to know how much I appreciate your attendance. Of course, Draco is positively beside himself with excitement as well and, just between us, he speaks of little else. I hope you won't think me forward, but I have taken the liberty of supplying you with the proper attire for the evening. It is one of my own designs, but please do not hesitate to tell me if it is not to your tastes.
Warm Regards,
Narcissa
P.S.
Draco seems a bit anxious to see you in it."
Mis breathed out.
"Holy Christ on the Cross." She said, holding the note in her hand limply. She felt a bit of shock and no small amount of confusion at the letter. "She made me a dress?" Mis asked to the room at large, narrowing her eyes skeptically.
"Apparently." Answered Snape blandly.
"Mis, the suspense is killing me, for Merlin's sake open the package." Sirius said, his tone impatient. Mis nodded distantly and set down the letter. She ripped open the brown package to reveal a beautiful teal box decorated with simple black roses.
She gasped as she removed the top, gingerly swished the dress from its confines, and stood up holding it by the shoulders to see it properly. It was the color of bright steel, and made of a thin, breezy fabric. It had 3/4 length sleeves that flowed gently and had a slit that would expose most of her arms. The waist was cinched with an intricate green embroidery that looked like vines wrapping around the middle and up between the bust, lining the scooped neck.
"I can't wear this, I'll spill something on it. I shouldn't be let around pretty things, I can't be trusted!" She said, horrified of the possible ways in which she could destroy such a lovely garment. She looked at Snape with wide eyes.
"Quit being dramatic." He said with an eye roll. She raised her eyebrows and cocked her head to one side.
"I'm sorry, but did you justtell me to quite being dramatic?! When every goddamn motion you make is a performance piece?!" She quipped tensely.
"It's quite pretty." Sirius interjected, seemingly torn between wanting to be supportive and also wanting to burn anything that was given to Mis by the Malfoys. Mis let out a breath, up until this point, Mis had seen the party as only a theory, something that would never actually happen. It's not that she was afraid to attend, nothing could be farther from the truth. She wanted to go and feel out the Malfoys, she wanted to try and discern whether or not they would be willing to break ties with Snake Face. Mis felt a jolt in her stomach as she realized the party in question was only a week away. She wasn't worried of being hurt, Peggy had trained her well and she had become confident in her ability to protect herself, though she still had much to learn, she knew she was competent with her knives. The thing that caused her heart rate to increase, however, was the thought of failing to bring in the Malfoys.
She didn't know what in the hell she was doing, how was she supposed to approach them? What if they were unwilling to put their lives in the Order's hands, in her hands? What would she do in that case? And what about… him? Mis huffed in annoyance at herself, Great, now I'm panicking she thought, trying to distance herself from her body's reaction. Mis looked at Snape, and he could see her inner turmoil.
"Don't you give me that look, this is your bloody fault." He said warningly, apparently he was capable of reading her mind without ligilimancy.
"Why didn't you stop me from being an idiot?!" She demanded loudly, rolling the dress up roughly and stuffing it back into the box. Sirius and Remus both jumped, looks of confusion on their faces, clearly having difficulty following the conversation between Mis and Snape.
"No one can stop you from being an idiot, Holtzer! I doubt even an act of god could stop you once you get an idea in that circus you call a brain." Snape spat back, and Mis could practically see steam evaporating off his head. Panic was flickering in the Mis's dark eyes as she stood frozen in the kitchen.
"For fuckssake, you could've done something! Locked me in cell, gagged me, chained me up!" She shouted at Snape, her arms flailing and her face going red, with a slightly hysterical tint emerging in her eyes.
"Kinky." Remus commented mildly. Sirius choked on his muffin and Snape's lip twitched. Mis turned slowly to look at Remus, looking a bit unhinged.
"That's my line." She said, her voice calm and dangerous. Remus bit his lip and furrowed his brows to keep from smiling.
"Oh?" He said innocently. Mis took a long, hard look at him. At that moment she had never had such conflicting reactions brewing in her system. The only emotion should've been rage that Remus wasn't taking her panic seriously, but instead she also felt a wry appreciation and a bit of gratefulness. Her heart rate calmed, and Mis sat back down heavily keeping her eyes on Remus.
"Thanks, Moonshine." She said genuinely. "But don't use my own tactics against me again." She deadpanned, before her face broke into a small smile.
Snape having delivered his message, made to get up, but before he could, Mis gasped.
"I almost forgot! There's someone I'd like you to meet." Mis said excitedly. Jumping out of her seat and over to the sink. Standing on her tip toes she placed her hand in Peaches' cage, allowing her to slither on to Mis's hand. She turned around and sat back down at the table, causing Sirius to jump up and take several feverous steps away before crossing his arms and trying to appear casual. Mis rolled her eyes at him. She set the little snake on the table, and watched it slide over to Snape. He took a look at the creature before resting his hand on the table, palm facing up. Peaches flicked her tongue out several times, trying to gauge Snape, who looked mildly interested in the creature.
"What's her name?" Snape asked as the snake slithered over his hand.
"Peaches." Mis replied, grinning like a fool.
"You can't name a snake Peaches, Mis. It's degrading." He commented, giving the snake a look of pity.
"It's not degrading, it's adorable!" She exclaimed. "She's a Crawlin' King Snake, just like Jim Morrison." She said indulgently.
"I thought he was The Lizard King?" Snape asked mildly. Mis chuckled knowingly.
"He was the Crawlin' King Snake first." She said smugly.
"He was not!" Piped up Sirius, forgetting his fear and taking a step closer to Mis. "He was The Lizard King in 1968 because of the poem he put on the sleeve his 'Waiting for the Sun' album, and Crawlin' King Snake didn't come out till bloody '72." Sirius said with conviction. Mis opened her mouth to argue then closed it again. She turned to Snape for confirmation. Snape closed his eyes and nodded as if he were trying to break the news gently. Mis slid her jaw in annoyance.
"I should've known that." Mis cursed herself. If her father had been there he probably would've disowned her on the spot for missing that bit of musical trivia. In Mis's family, musical knowledge was common sense, everyone had a decade that they prized above the others, and between herself, her mother, father and siblings, they knew more about music than a Rolling Stone editor.
"Don't beat yourself up, love. Honest mistake." Sirius said smugly, looking at Mis with a condescending smile.
"Shut up." She replied childishly.
Snape left shortly thereafter, handing Peaches back to Mis, who put her back in her tank before walking Snape out.
"Don't push yourself, I saw your interior design project inside. You need to be well rested for the party, any verbal slip-ups could be disastrous." Snape said with his signature sneer. "…and I'm not bailing you out if you were to shag yourself." He added warningly. Mis chuckled,
"Trust me, everything I say will be deliberate." she assured him, turning to look up at his coal black eyes. "But thanks for worrying about me." She said genuinely, giving him a sweet smile. She had expected Snape to comeback with a disdainful comment, but instead he gave her a single curt nod before popping out of existence on the darkened stoop of Grimmauld Place. Mis smiled to herself contentedly before going back inside to start dinner.
Nothing was making sense, everything was like a watercolor painting, blurring, soft, and calm. Mis didn't mind, because mostly what she saw was green and brown. Good colors, so despite her confusion she was more than willing to let go of the anxiety that confusion would normally bring. So she waited patiently, and before long things began taking shape. Leaves, sharpening in her vision as if an invisible artist was adding detail, subtle shadows, veins and texture. Then a syrupy gold light was spilled over the green, sunset gold, and she could feel heat on her face before a breeze softened it.
Slowly, detail was added and she smiled when she saw where she was. It was an orange orchard, and she knew this one like the back of her hand. It had been in the historical park several blocks away from her home. The smell made her feel as if she had stumbled back in time, it reminded her of spring in Arizona before the summer heat starts to burn the concrete and wilt anything unfortunate enough to be considered living. It filled her up the same way a good song fills up the silence, and makes the person experiencing it realize that maybe the world isn't as awful as previously thought.
She didn't move, fearing that if she did, hairline fractures would chip away the landscape and it would shatter so thoroughly that it would be impossible to put back together. She didn't gasp when she felt someone behind her, and she didn't mind when she felt a pair of arms snake around her stomach and pull her backwards to be gently pressed against a solid male torso. She was strangely untroubled, but she felt the presence of the man, and he didn't feel threatening to her. Instead, it felt familiar, like the arms wrapped around her middle were accustomed to being there and she was accustomed to having them there. She lent her head back against his chest, tilting her chin up slightly and breathing a sigh of contentment. She felt his head dip down and he nestled his face in the crook of her neck. A wonderful shiver danced up her spine when she felt a pair of warm lips kiss her neck. He ghosted his lips with a feather light touch down to her collar bone where he nipped playfully. She giggled, bowing her head and trying to wiggle away from the ticklish sensation. She looked down, her eyes bright and smiling, thinking about trying to pry the arms away from her middle.
Her heart stopped. It felt like ice water had taken the place of blood in her body, causing her lungs to feel as though they were shriveled and incapable of breathing. The arms were a pale bluish-grey with black veins running thickly up and down them, hands that were long and sickly like branches on a tree in winter, and yellowed nails that were rough edged and chipped. There was no denying whose arms they belonged to. Mis couldn't move, and with each heartbeat, she felt the arms growing tighter, rigid and cold like a corpse trying to drag her into itself, trying to bury her underneath its papery skin. She screamed.
Mis thrashed against the arms that were holding her shoulders.
"Mis! Wake up!" Sirius shouted. Mis felt the scream die in her throat and she opened her eyes. The room was dimly lit by Sirius's wand and she could see he was only wearing boxers again, but at the moment she was too frightened to care. She heard hectic footsteps running towards her room from down the hall and, a moment later, Remus charged into the room in a plain t shirt and plaid sleep pants.
"What's wrong?!" He demanded, his wand raised and ready to fire.
"It's alright, Mis was having a bad dream." Sirius said softly. Remus lowered his wand and went to the side of the bed opposite Sirius. Mis's heart was still pounding, never in her memory had she had a dream so horrifying. Sirius dropped his hands and placed his lit wand on the bedside table. "Are you alright?" He asked gently.
Mis covered her face in her hands, feeling wetness on her cheeks. She hadn't realized she was crying and tears were pouring from her eyes like an open tap.
"No, I'm not alright." She said thickly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked, placing a cool hand on her shoulder softly. Mis shook her head. She felt a pair of hands on both her wrists as Sirius moved them away from her face, she didn't fight him, but kept her head bowed. He lifted her chin tenderly to look at her properly. Her face was flushed and her eyes wide and magnified by her tears. Neither Remus nor Sirius had ever seen Mis like this, looking so vulnerable and unsure of herself. It was unsettling, she was always like a tree, proud and incapable of bending to any will other than her own. She was always so certain of what she was doing or saying, everything she did was done with conviction. Looking at her now, however, they both saw her for what she had always been, a young girl who , despite her best efforts, is breakable.
"Come here, love." He said, opening his arms. Mis sniffled pathetically and leaned into his chest, nestling her head against his neck. Remus stroked her back soothingly while Sirius held her and pet her hair until she had calmed down. Mis smiled, friends who could chase away nightmares were few and far between and, as she often did these days, she marveled at them and felt something glow inside of her because she knew they were her's. She was fated to be the 'shelter in a tempest' as Hecate had said, but she knew she wouldn't be able to be much of anything without them.
Mis leaned back from Sirius to look at both him and Remus.
"I love you guys." Mis said softly. "That may be weird for me to say…because neither of you have known me for long, but I've known the two of you for a long time." She said, feeling a bit awkward. "Well, that and…I don't think people say it enough." She added gently, feeling her face go slightly pink. There was a moment of silence before she felt Remus grasp her hand,
"We love you too, Mis." Remus said and Mis could hear a smile in his voice.
"Very much." Sirius added, before pulling her over to kiss her temple. Mis didn't care what she would have to do in the future, she would protect them, no matter what it took, no matter what it cost her, she knew she would… or die trying.