Die Tonight, Life Forever

Chapter 14: Monsters

EPOV

"Ahh, Edward," his voice, as usual, was cool and welcoming. His thoughts, as usual, were fraught with underlying perplexity and concern.

Perfect.

"Come in. I've been meaning to have a word with you."

I had a feeling that my paranoia was getting the best of me as I slid into Carlisle's office. I sighed and took a seat in the leather arm chair in front of his desk, wishing I had been making slightly healthier decisions with my life recently.

"You look…well," Carlisle stated in a flat, even tone. That was ironic, because I felt ill. Suddenly, all I wanted was to be back with Alice. I could tolerate a few more gut-wrenching blows to the head with her words, as long as she was angry with me. Anger, to me, seemed like the correct sentiment to have about the situation. Alice could always display her true colors to me no matter how much she disapproved, and I genuinely valued that. Now, though her warnings seemed to her like they had gone unappreciated, I felt I had something to look forward to: rebellion.

Perhaps that wasn't the correct way to look at her warnings, but the monster inside rubbed his hands together in excitement as I sat before Carlisle. Carlisle would undoubtedly sit here and wear a mask of serenity, no matter how horribly worried his thoughts were. The pretense of the loving and caring father figure that he was, granting me the gift of immortality in exchange for my soul was all total bullshit when I could literally read his thoughts. As much as I cherished Carlisle and what he stood for, in this moment, glaring at him with my guilt-ridden, orange eyes, I was disgusted by the weakness that my existence in this world displayed for him. I was a trophy piece for his mantle, a cold, hard medal to be worn from his neck. I was the first of my family to be made into what we were, all because of his lack of companionship in his earlier years.

I was a monster, a vampire, because he was not strong enough to live this life of his own. I was the victim. I took a moment of reverential resentment on the matter, and sighed deeply. This was his entire fault. He continued to stare back at me from his seat across the desk, his fingers laced together under his chin.

"You've been straying," he noted fecklessly, unsure if it was really the case.

But oh, how right he was. His mental voice observed the change of color in my eyes, and a streak of impatience and disappointment amplified within him.

"Not too far," I commented, shifting my gaze to the oak of the desk. I couldn't stand looking at him in this moment.

"Have you forgotten who you are, my son?" His thoughts rang of understanding, knowing that this burden of what we were was too much for some to bear. Carlisle, as far as I knew, had never doubted me. He saw me as strong, completely in control. He drew the line in the sand that separated me from the others. I hadn't strayed from the course of our values in 50 years. I had never been so close to a human until tonight. I had never done so many glorious, enjoyable things in all my years, until tonight. I was unable to experience life, because as a vampire, the majority of my time was spent suffering, denying what I was, keeping the beast within me caged, until tonight, when I had tasted Bella Swan's incredible blood.

That was Carlisle's fault, too.

The injustices committed against me came rushing through my head, feeling like waves, denying me of any enjoyment of the life that had been so abruptly forced on me over 100 years ago.

"I don't know who I am. I was never given an opportunity to learn what I wanted to be. I've always had to suffer this pain of the thirst…It's so unfair. I never wanted this."

Carlisle's teeth snapped together in the fashion of a prey animal. The sound shocked me as I leaned back in the chair, having an epiphany, fighting a sob from the back of my fire-filled throat.

Of course, I could not enjoy the release of tears, because all my sobs brought on were idiotic sounds that were more embarrassing than helpful. Bitterness stabbed me in the ribs as I stilled myself and waited for a response.

"…I see. Well, perhaps we can work on that. I understand if you need a bit of time to disengage. Things have been too stressful since we've moved here. I know it's hard to be settled when there's nothing amusing for you. Perhaps you should enroll in Washington State, maybe spend some time away and work on another degree. And I can ask Tanya to leave. I shouldn't have—"

"You shouldn't have created me," I mused, realizing that Carlisle wouldn't stop his suggestions until he found the proper solution. There were no solutions to this problem.

Carlisle's thoughts never acquired an angry edge, but he seemed rather uncomfortable with the accusation I had placed in my words. He worked very hard at controlling his thoughts.

I'm sorry, Edward. I was too weak; too immature…I needed you. If it's any consolation, your existence has bettered me in more ways than I can describe. Look at all we've become. It's something to be proud of, given the circumstances.

I shook my head, silencing his thoughts.

"Do you have any clue what I have done today?"

Are you going to tell me the truth, or are you going to lie?

"Carlisle, I am not ashamed of what I've done. I enjoyed every second of it, and I'm eager to believe that she did too." The monster stood, laughing and nodding his head in agreement with me. He enjoyed the arrangement with Bella Swan, after all, he created it.

"She? As in, the human girl Alice has been talking about?"

"Bella. The police chief's daughter."

"Excellent," Carlisle rolled his eyes, thinking of all the ways we would have to protect ourselves and flee if I murdered someone so well-known in the town of Forks. "She's a student nurse at the hospital. I've seen her around," he commented, trying to remain casual.

My father was also a surgeon. Dr. Carlisle Cullen, a powerful and intellectual goldmine, according to any human being. How incredible that he could work 100 hour weeks and still be so attractive, witty, and sophisticated. He didn't lose his mind like any other attending physician with insomnia would. People stood before him like he was perched upon an altar to be worshipped at. If only they knew his true capabilities.

There was a moment of silence, both internal and external for him. I sighed again.

"She's a beautiful girl," he blinked, letting me know that he was unsure of what to say. "You spent…some time with her, I presume?" He presumed more than that. Carlisle's thoughts of a dead, cold, lifeless Bella, following an encounter with me, made it gut-wrenchingly difficult to continue with my confession. His assumption pissed me off beyond all recognition. I shook in my seat, attempting to control the physical release of rage I desired. The monster growled, pissed off as well. Fuck Carlisle and his fucking high horse. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know how in-control I really am. He's been keeping this monster dormant for years, with all of his animal blood-drinking fuckery. I'm a vampire. I'm doing my job, quite well, I might add.

Maybe I was being too hard on him. Maybe I was the one that needed to be more forgiving. Carlisle had taken my soul, but really, was he to blame for imprisoning the monster inside of me for so many years? No, I decided, that was all my doing. One can only lead a horse to water, after all. I felt my attitude doing flips inside my brain. The monster, in the fashion of Alice, tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for me to make a decision.

"Edward?" Carlisle blinked, taken aback by my unresponsiveness. I straightened up in the chair, forgetting what exactly I had resented about him in the first place.

This was a new kind of low for me. I couldn't even concentrate the culpability on him. I had been a good (if 'good' was the right word) monster for over 50 years. Obviously, Carlisle shouldn't shoulder the blame for my going rogue. The monster sat, nodding his head as my face formed a look of shear resolve.

It was her.

I was all her fault.

She was the reason for all of these feelings I had pouring into me. Her face, her body, the blood pulsing beneath her soft, hot skin, it was all a wicked combination, built to destroy me. She was the one person who had ever forced me to lean over the brink of insanity. I couldn't hear her thoughts, I couldn't resist her blood without concentration, I couldn't do anything I wanted to around her. I couldn't even deny the fact that I loved everything about her. This identification ate at me; made me feel as though everything I had learned in the past week was some cruel joke that God was playing on me. She was a monster in herself, who challenged my monster in such a way that it made my incapable of control.

I was not amused by this challenge.

"Yes, she is beautiful," I stated, my voice taking on a tone I didn't quite recognize. "Monstrously so."

I felt Carlisle's eyes tighten as he watched me. He seemed to notice my shift in mood as he waited for me to speak.

"Her blood…her body…it's too much for me to manage. It's like she's my own personal demon, sent straight from hell to destroy everything I've worked for. She's…a monster." I felt the anger inside of me build into a dark crescendo.

"Edward, what did you do?"

I thought about what I had done to Bella Swan in the past two weeks. Or, what she had done to me, rather, as my thoughts came rushing out of me.

"I…I was just hunting in the woods, and I caught this amazing scent. It wasn't just any scent, it was like, against all of my will power, I was being dragged in the direction that the scent traveled from. So I came to a clearing in the woods and found her standing by the window in her bedroom. I didn't go any closer, but she was bleeding, and her blood was the most amazing thing I have ever encountered. Better than any other human in the world. I don't know why. Of course, I wondered why she was bleeding, so I tried to read her thoughts…but I can't."

This surprised Carlisle. "You can't?"

"No."

"How strange…That must be very frustrating." His attempt at empathy rubbed me the wrong way.

"You can't even imagine how frustrating it is," I felt my hand tighten into an irate fist as I fumed, becoming once again internalized. The monster's eyes, now my own, glared.

"So how exactly did you end up feeding off of her? Wasn't she scared? How did you start talking to her in the first place?" Carlisle tried his damnedest to pry more information from me.

"She works at the strip club, with Alice and Rosalie. She's actually quite a favorite there. I took it upon myself to…strike up conversation…with the help of Alice, of course. She foresaw it. And then, long story short, I find myself utterly obsessed with her. She's everything that I want. And her blood…" I pursed my lips, remembering the warm taste in my mouth, reminding myself how much I wanted more. "It's all I want. I feel like I can't stop."

I felt as though sharing the graphic content of tonight with Carlisle would be a mistake. In fact, no one had to know about the other insatiable desires that Bella couldn't fill for me. My damn control had been in the way, and would not allow me to satisfy all of my urges…I rolled my eyes in defeat.

Edward Cullen, always the good vampire. My internal monster rolled his eyes as well, frustrated.

I shook the thought from my head and looked to Carlisle for a solution. He was good at solutions.

"You need a distraction," he eyed my face now, full of mercy, "A good distraction. I'll call in a favor at the hospital."

"I was hoping you'd have something available in trauma. I could use a little bit of practice desensitizing myself from human blood…again." Carlisle's somewhat understanding smile was overshadowed by his thoughts of disaster. Edward and human blood…what a tragedy. He hesitated for a moment, waiting for me to reconsider. Was I strong enough to handle it?

"Then it's settled... I'll see you on Monday, Dr. Cullen," Carlisle's now heart-felt smile radiated from him, and his thoughts suddenly screamed of his pride in me.

I was once again the mantel piece. I didn't care. Hopefully, this would take care of things. As I stood up to leave, he called to me again.

"And Edward, go hunt. Your eyes will change when you do."

"Thank you, father." I rolled my eyes again as my monster hissed in my ear angrily.

I opened the door, leaving him to fend for himself among Carlisle's all-too-good intensions.

***

The forest floor was damp from the fresh rain. As the summer was coming to a close, fall brought on a new plethora of flavors and scents. Rabbit, deer, and bear roamed the area as I sat under a thin tree, taking a break from my third meal of the night. I felt completely full, not only with blood, but with despair. Again, the feeling of Bella's touch haunted me, making me crave something more than blood. A voracious longing rested in the pit of my stomach. I would have loved to regard it as anxiousness, rebellion, anything but what it truly was: unresolved sexual tension. It felt like each neuron that fired away in my head was coated with the tension Bella had left me with, slowly paining me further. I needed to talk to someone, anyone who would listen. Alice was far away, probably off shopping or hunting or whatever it was that she did. Emmett and Rosalie were very audibly fucking in the house. Meanwhile, Esme and Carlisle were having a fond discussion over fixing the recently demolished landscape, pretending not to hear Emmett and Rosalie's loud intimacy. Sometimes I enjoyed being able to hear their thoughts. It was quite hilarious to witness my mother pretending to ignore dirty deeds. I equated it to watching a horrible soap opera. What will the Cullen household think about this week? Dramatic music played in my head as I leaned back and relaxed. The tension, however, stayed pinned between my head and my chest, deep within.

Then, as if my prayers had been answered, I heard light footsteps approaching, followed by a lilting mental voice.

Are you…okay over here, Edward?

Tanya fled toward me, her thoughts nothing but innocent, and sat down beside me. The jeans she wore hugged every curve of her body, accentuating her most pleasurable features as she sighed heavily, wiping the blood of a deer from her mouth with her sleeve. Hearing her thoughts, seeing her acting so casual, reminded me of a time when things were easier, when I was a vampire boy and she, a vampire girl, and we were in love. My internal monster sped back to my, tapped me on the shoulder and winked. Remember me? He asked.

Being in love with a human girl was the most difficult torture I had ever put myself through. I needed release. The monster within me knew I could acquire that release easily from this specific source: Tanya. He eyed her greedily and gave me images of happy times I had experienced with her. I scorned him.

"You know, I can smell her on you. It's driving me absolutely mad," Tanya whispered, running a hand through her disheveled strawberry hair.

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling a twinge of guilt. As I read Tanya's thoughts, I learned that it wasn't the fact that the scent belonged to Bella that bothered her, mostly, but that it belonged to a human. She missed human blood so much, even though she hated to admit it aloud. I was the only one who knew her secret.

"Was it…worth it? Did you kill her?" An awkward gulp of venom trickled down her throat as she spoke. My gaze tightened; confusion filled my mind. What was with her? This was…different. Psychotic Tanya ceased to be in this moment. It put a twinge of fright into me as I shifted my weight.

"Why do you seem so…normal? You look exhausted," I observed, feeling slightly eased by the fact that she wasn't ready to jump me, finding no thought of it in her mind. Subdued annoyance threatened my relief. Leave it to Tanya to ignore her normally unrelenting lustfulness when I needed it most. I suddenly began to miss the old version of Tanya. Evidently, guilt had forced old Tanya to run for the hills. Her jealousy and overbearing tendencies about me clouded her judgment far too often.

She heaved an animalistic groan and stretched her arms, then proceeded to lean against my body, wrapping her arms around my arm gently. Her hair cascaded over my shoulder as she rested her head there and shut her golden eyes. The tree behind my back quivered as I leaned against it, swallowing down venom with slight unease.

"I've been hunting all night, Edward. I'm very sorry for acting the way I have. I'd like to say my thirst has had a lot to do with it, but the truth is I'm just…tired. I'm so tired."

"That's impossible, Tanya."

"No, it's possible. Don't you ever wish, just for a second, that it were easier? I find myself missing sleep more and more often these days. I wish I could just…sleep. It would make everything so much easier. It would make…the urges…I don't know. Forget it, it's stupid," she stifled a chuckled and leaned further into me.

"It would be so much easier, if we were human," I mused.

"Do you ever wonder what we did to deserve all of this pain? I mean, chasing rabbits in the woods at 3 AM, unable to sleep, unable to dream, unable to breathe in public without feeling that dry ache in the back of your throat, even if it is just a murmur? Sometimes I think I would rather be dead."

Tanya's words surprised me, because they were everything I had been thinking myself. The monster's eyes fell to Tanya, feeling empathy for her. The bitterness I heard in her words reflected in my own.

"I wouldn't have the urge to be a monster because of some insignificant human. I wouldn't be going against everything I stand for, drinking her blood and nearly killing her, losing all control, constantly playing with fire. It'd be so much easier."

"So much…easier," she repeated, a look of sadness crossing her face as she glanced up to me. Our eyes trapped one another's for a quick moment. The effortlessness with which we could sit and mourn our loss of humanity was overwhelming to me. I breathed in deeply, and for the first time I could remember, fire didn't accompany the sensation. My senses were filled with nothing but the scent of trees, the pleasant scent of after-rain, and…Tanya's skin. If only Bella's scent could be as painless to inhale. The pleasure I felt with her came at a consequential price. With Tanya, I didn't have to worry about her fragility or accompanying fire. It was undemanding, peaceful.

Your eyes are filled with remorse. You need to forget her, let her be. She's human. It's not her fault.

Tanya's cool hand reached up and touched the dark circles under my eyes.

"You look awful," she laughed, smiling slightly. "I'm so sorry this happened to you, Edward. I know what it's like. I've been there. Someone's blood is too hard to resist, you lose all control, and all sense of who you are…you're just lucky that you didn't kill her. You didn't, right?"

"No, but I can't help wishing that I had. She's like an angel…and a demon, all wrapped into one. It's killing me. I can't be near her without suffering. I can't stay away from her without feeling a constant urge to be near her. The problem is, even to be around her, just to talk to her, or hold her, like this," I mumbled, feeling Tanya's hand rub my back in comfort, "It's too hard, too painful. But I can't. I mean, look at what I've done to her, the monster I've become. I can't live with that. But I can't just…I just…"

"You can't forget about it, either. The blood, the sensation. Feeling like you were born just to taste that blood, you'll never forget. Believe me, you never, ever will." She related to my experience quite well.

"I need to forget." Unexpectedly, I felt the urge for release coming again from within me. As Tanya's hand glided across my skin, the need for closeness felt all too unfulfilled. I abruptly turned to meet her, my hands on either of her shoulders, gripping her frame with strength that would surely snap Bella in half. But here Tanya sat, unaffected by my strength, making me feel…normal. The monster sighed in relief, smiling.

"Tell me about your…your demon," I insisted, unable to help the fact that I was now stroking her hair. The action was so familiar and casual. She sighed, and her audible smile was charming as ever.

"I think you already know about my demon. Doesn't the name Fredrico ring a bell to you, Mr. Cullen?"

Ah, Fredrico. How your death was so joyous for me. I remembered now.

"The catalyst to our break up," I murmured, shifting away from her for a moment. She inched closer, tucking her head further into my chest as she spoke.

"Ah, yes, Fredrico, what a fine Brazilian flavor he was." She grinned, pausing at the memory. "You couldn't understand, then, I know. You had never experienced it. Why would I ever want to love a human man, when I had…all this," she gestured to me, observing my posture, eyeing my figure hungrily. "Edward Cullen. How could Edward Cullen ever amount to anything less than perfect and irresistible, compared to a simple human named Fredrico?" Her tone was one of disbelief at the mistakes she had made. Her thoughts reeked of regret. I eyed her skeptically.

"Well, I know," I gave her a smirk full of sarcasm, "I'm the best." She laughed.

"Yes, you are, indeed, Edward. But, the blood. His blood. I wasn't as good a vampire as you are now, what with all your psychotic self control. I was young, naïve, only off of human blood for the time I had been with you. But I needed him. Right then and there. Oh, and I fended well for a day, perhaps a day and a half. Making love to him, killing him slowly, enjoying every second of that irresistible, unbelievable…ugh," she stifled a moaned as the thoughts of that day came running back to her. "Compared to him, you were nothing, because you couldn't ever have that…draw. The blood…" She glanced up at me circumspectly, as if she didn't want to hurt my feelings. My monster bounced up and down in his place angrily. I attempted to bring light to the conversation.

"Oh, Diary of a Succubus. I feel a book series coming on," I muttered, covering the fact that I was uncomfortable with recalling the memory of her making love to a human. Internally, it was like a twig had snapped, most suddenly. No wonder she attempted to attack Bella after learning my interest in her. If Fredrico hadn't been dead after a day with Tanya, I would have gladly done the job myself. Tanya's unfaithfulness in our past relationship suddenly amounted to something completely forgivable. I couldn't imagine the pain she had experienced. She had no control. Her nature was completely at fault. Being a vampire could make you unfaithful. My monster toyed with that idea, irritating me as he compared Bella and Tanya side-by-side. Difficult, easy. Painful, easy. You are a monster, you are normal. He stared back at me, as if the verdict was completely evident.

I was unfamiliar with the sweep of emotion that played through me in this instant. Something about the irrepressible rage and yearning inside of me speared my dead heart, forcing me to look from all angles. The monster laughed wickedly from his place inside, and Alice's foreshadowing came rushing back to me.

"She's making me a monster, Tanya. I need to forget. Please, just make me forget…" I heard myself say, but it wasn't my voice. It was the monster's.

"Edward…I—"

"Shh…This is easy. I forgive you." As she wrapped her arms around me, I rested my head on her breast, the absence of a heartbeat, in this moment, completely soothing. It made me feel normal, like I wasn't the only one who was a walking corpse. My susurration made my feelings in this moment clear.

"I would have made you forget about him, if I had known this feeling. And now I do know, and you know too. You're the only one that can make me forget, so please… just make me forget," I repeated.

Tanya vigilantly ran her stone fingers through my mane, and as she lowered her face to mine, my shattered world seemed completely whole again. The monster roared with gratitude.

My lips, a fraction of an inch from hers, ached with anticipation. The lines between good and evil blurred within me as she placed her hard hands to either side of my face and met my eyes with hers.

"No, Edward."

My monster watched, mouth agape, speechless. No one said no to Edward Cullen, or his internal monster. No one.