14 Saturday Morning - Bloody Greg
At breakfast, they discussed the dinner they had shared with Kate's mother. Caroline told Kate how much she liked and admired Edie. Kate offered that Edie was a nickname, given by a childhood friend who could not pronounce her mother's Nigerian name, Edelokun, which had been bestowed by parents fresh from their homeland. Even though the parents had called their daughters by their Nigerian names until the day they died, both girls had anglicized names that they used with everyone else.
"I'm glad to see you and Mum getting on." Kate looked into Caroline's eyes. "It could have been difficult if you hadn't. With a wry face, "We could have had a replay of my relationship to Celia." Kate reflected, you are both so perceptive. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when you each went into 'intuitive mode' last night."
Caroline laughed out loud, "Intuitive Mode." Drawing out the syllables deliberately. "Sounds like a cue for the spooky music to begin."
Kate smiling at Caroline's intonation of the words but indignant at being made the butt of the joke, "So, what would you call it?" Kate challenged.
"Well, we were just getting to know one another…" seeing the look on Kate's face and knowing the next word to come out of her mouth, they finished at the same time, "intuitively," laughing together.
"I think you'll find that my mother is coming around. She'll see our commitment to one another now and she'll become used to things as they are." Caroline saw a shadow pass across Kate's expression. "Whot?"
Seeing the concern on Caroline's face, "No, no, I think you're right about Celia. I think too it will get better in time." Silent, Kate scanned Caroline's face.
"Whot?" repeated Caroline.
"You said 'our commitment to one another'." Looking worried, "do you really mean that? After… everything?"
Caroline looked appraisingly into Kate's eyes. They both knew that there was still one topic to be brought into the open. Each was loath to begin, knowing that it had the power still, to knock them off course. The sexual attraction between them had been passionate from the start. The rule it exerted often surprised them both. Neither had felt quite this level of desire for anyone else. Ever. It was something unique and precious that they had marveled over between themselves.
Then, without warning, Kate had been willing to callously cast aside this momentous thing that had sprung up between them, to… My God, today, in the presence of Kate, Caroline found that she could not even form the words for what had happened not in her own mind, let alone say them aloud. The cords in her neck standing out prominently, almost overcome, Caroline turned and walked into the sitting room from the kitchen where Kate remained for a long moment, trying to decide how to proceed. Trying to find a way to defuse this explosive matter.
She'd known since the night that she drove back to the hotel from Harrogate that if Caroline was still willing to reopen their relationship, this would come up. They would not be able to put it off for long. She was surprised even now that it had waited this long. In fact, this was the stumbling block that had kept her from Caroline as much as anything else. No matter how she turned it, phrased it, nothing mitigated, even in her own mind, what she had done to Caroline. Done to them both by being willing to set aside the treasure they had found in one another to have sex with Greg. Perform this most intimate act with someone other than Caroline in order to create a baby. No. For the chance to have a baby.
She had no defense save that the long held urge to conceive a child had been so strong in her that it took precedence. Precedence over Caroline in her life. Precedence over her own well being. She had made the choice that had brought them here. Kate knew the hour was upon her when she simply had to take whatever Caroline meted out. In a sense she welcomed it. Maybe then, at last, some of her guilt would be expiated. Walking to the sitting room door, she found Caroline staring out over the back garden. "Caroline." Kate waited to see what would come next. When Caroline remained at the window, immobile except for putting out a hand to stop Kate from approaching her, Kate seated herself on the sofa.
Resuming her story, "I knew Greg would do almost anything I asked of him. He always had before. After you went upstairs, when he came back to the table, I asked to come to his room to talk. I reckoned that you would come looking for me that night. I didn't want to be in my room when you did." Kate took a steadying breath, "I told him that I wanted a child. Wanted him to… The words stuck in Kate's throat and she stopped speaking.
Caroline turned then with a pained expression, mouth lightly open, her total lack of understanding showing plainly on her face. Kate forced herself to continue, stealing glances at Caroline. "I told him that you were not happy about the method I'd chosen but I didn't care. Told him I planned to send you away in the morning if he would stay the next night and… and…" Kate, overcome with remorse stopped, unable to continue. Finally, braving a look at Caroline she could see only the back of her form, clad in jeans and a sweater, arms hugging herself, head slightly bowed.
Caroline was torn between the empathy she felt for Kate as she told this difficult part of the story and her own pent up indignation. Trying to process this she stared unseeingly out the window remaining motionless for what seemed like an eternity to Kate, waiting for what would come next. When Caroline did turn to face her the pain and ferocity she saw there caused Kate to catch her breath. Kate was glad that she was seated; the force of the look she took from Caroline pushed her back in her seat. Willing herself not to look away, Kate met Caroline's eyes. She tried to let her sorrow and remorse show through. So often, their unspoken communication had said more than the words they'd uttered. Today, Caroline was having none of that.
Through gritted teeth, "So, you wanted to have sex with bloody Greg." Both hands on her hips, she waited for Kate to try to refute this statement.
In a conciliatory tone Kate began, "Caroline, it was just sex. I didn't…"
"Just sex!" spat out Caroline. "I wish to hell on earth someone would explain to me how one 'just has sex'. I've never been able to 'just have sex'." Glaring at Kate, anger and emotion evident in her voice, "John 'just has sex', Gillian 'just has sex', now you, you 'just have sex'. How exactly does that work?"
Irritation rising in Kate now, she narrowed her eyes at Caroline, her lips pressed against the words her mind was formulating to defend herself. Never having seen Caroline this angry she decided against a reply that would escalate matters and simply said in a severe voice, "Caroline."
Facing Kate, arms akimbo, weight on one foot, the other slightly forward, Caroline was the epitome of an angry woman. "Kate!?" she returned.
Kate's heart skipped a beat, she had never heard her name on Caroline's lips in anything approximating this tone. She was too shocked to reply.
Seeing the effect of her anger on Kate, Caroline was a little shocked at herself. Where had this vitriol come from? She thought she had dealt with this during the long months of separation. She couldn't remember ever having been this infuriated, this hurt. John certainly never had that kind of power over her no matter how useless and stupid he had been. She hadn't even been this furious with her mother the day she received Kate's resignation letter, and she had been very hurt and upset that day. She was scaring herself now. Taking a deep breath and drawing down her shoulders, she found that this helped only a little, so she turned and walked the length of the room and back. Finally, putting her hands on the back of the armchair she had sat in yesterday rather than back on her hips as had been her inclinations, she faced Kate, "So, tell me about 'just sex' with bloody Greg," Caroline ordered in a less caustic tone.
When she'd been released by Caroline's eyes which had pinned her in place, keeping her immobile, Kate had slumped as Caroline paced. Breathing again, she sat forward, elbows on knees, her head in her hands as she tried to think what she could say or do to help them past this point. At this command, Kate looked up, "Caroline, I didn't want…"
Still furious, her voice dangerously quiet now "Well, you sure as hell wanted something badly enough to throw me down." Caroline's face and neck working in concert to maintain control showed the depth of emotion she experienced, what it cost her to continue now that they had begun. Again through gritted teeth, "To have the unmitigated gall to sit there and tell me that everything that happened between us was nothing but a fumble." Caroline stopped, waiting for a reply from Kate.
As she opened her mouth to go on, Caroline saw the pain and hurt she had put onto Kate's face and became frightened by the depths of her own anger and pain so she closed it. Fixing on Kate a look filled with such anguish that Kate thought she would never forget it. Turning away finally, Caroline walked to the front of the house to stand unseeing at the dining room window, one arm crossed beneath her breasts supporting the arm that held her hand to her mouth.
Kate tried again, "It wasn't like that Caroline, I told you, it was…"
Turning from the window, walking toward Kate, her voice obviously being controlled by an effort, "Here you were raking me over the coals for being embarrassed to book a double room for us, berating me for not yet coming to terms with having a sexual relationship with a woman and while you were with me you were plotting to have sex with a man." Spitting out the words, "Bloody Greg! Doesn't that strike you as being something of a double standard?"
Exclaiming "Aaaarrrgh!' on a long expelled breath, in frustration, Caroline spun away from Kate's stricken face. She didn't want to do this, didn't want to feel this way, but now that she had begun, the thoughts and images remembered and imagined, had engulfed her as never before. Pacing through the rooms of the first floor, trying to work off some of the emotion that raged within her, Caroline grappled with herself.
At length, somewhat calmer, Caroline came back into the room where Kate still sat on the sofa, waiting for what would come next. Kate knew that today had to be whatever Caroline needed it to be or they could never move forward together.
Caroline sat down, not across from Kate as she had yesterday, but, oddly enough in the chair she had sat in the day she'd received the curt, 'No. Thank you.' from Kate when she'd asked for another chance. The irony of this was not lost on either woman. Both realizing that today, the power over their future rested with Caroline. Considering this, Caroline realized that she wasn't feeling powerful sitting here. She was still bewildered by the force that had driven Kate until she could have betrayed the love that bound them so irrevocably. Betrayed their joy in one another for an objective that had nothing at all to do with Caroline. So at last, it was the curiosity that calmed her the most. Looking over at Kate she saw her gazing out the back window, unable to take in any more of an outraged Caroline. Imperatively, "Kate."
Hearing the calmer note in Caroline's voice and responding to the demand in it, Kate turned her head and met the steel blue eyes. In spite of the responsibility she felt for their being in this position, Kate did not intend to be bullied. So, when she raised her head it was with a certain lift to her chin and a spark in her own eye.
Caroline, seeing this was a little relieved. Her emotions had almost gotten beyond her control. Once she was more herself she had been a little afraid for Kate and the child she carried. Now she said in a small voice to Kate, "What's it like?"
Kate didn't know what she had expected from Caroline but this certainly wasn't it. Kate opened her mouth to speak and then closed it firmly. Surely Caroline wasn't really asking for details. Was she? Caroline still held her eye waiting for an answer. Ire in her voice, "I'm not sure what you are asking me, Caroline."
Her voice dangerously calm, "It's a simple question." Caroline, seeing that Kate had no intention of offering more information than was required, recognized now as she hadn't fully when she'd asked the question, that for her and the way her mind worked, knowing would be better than not knowing. The wondering, the imagining would never let her rest. No matter what Kate told her, if she believed it was the truth, there was a better chance that she would at some point make her peace with it, put it to rest. Now, "did you go to his room or did he come to yours."
Kate closed her eyes, leaning her head on the back of the sofa and realized that she wasn't going get to move past this as she had hoped. "He came to mine."
"When?" the insistent voice continued from a face set and a body rigid and steeled.
Greg knocked on my door to ask if I was ready for breakfast, I sent him down alone. I didn't want to run into you. I wasn't hungry anyway. So, I was there at the window to watch you drive away. I was very angry that you left. I don't ever recall being as angry as I was that day. I could see the car park from my window. I watched you get into your car and leave. I saw how dejected you were by the way you walked. That only made me angrier because I thought; if you really loved me you wouldn't have just walked away. You would have come after me and had it out until we came to an understanding.
Caroline was staggered at this point of view. Her mouth dropped open in astonishment, such a thing had never occurred to her. Kate had cut her to the quick and walked away so coldly. It had seemed so final.
Kate accurately reading these expressions as they played across the face she had studied for so long, knew so well, didn't wait for Caroline to form the words. "I know, later, much later when I could be rational about it all, I realized that this was not something that would probably even occur to you, given your upbringing. I know that now, but reason wasn't part of the equation that day."
Gazing out the window behind Caroline for a moment before reconnecting with the blue eyes that had never left her, "I also realize now, that as much, maybe more of that anger was directed at myself for what I had said to hurt you and for what I still fully intended to do." Looking down at the fingers in her lap plucking nervously at one another, "I needed the anger to fuel what I had to do."
Looking directly at Caroline now, defying her to not believe her, "What I was impelled to do." Then fiercely, "I know you don't believe me. I know my own mother doesn't really believe me but it was a compulsion that I wasn't strong enough to resist even when I knew it was wrong to hurt you in order to do this, in order to have a fighting chance to conceive a baby, before it was forever too late. I can't explain it any better than that."
For Caroline this wasn't new information but the vehemence with which Kate said it this time had the ring of truth and implausible as this story sounded, it was so invariably the same at each telling that either it was actually true or Kate believed that it was true which amounted to the same thing.
Kate saw Caroline taking this in, waited for the fleeting expressions to halt and the blue eyes to see her again. Caroline's face was still inquiring so Kate continued. "Greg came up after his breakfast to see if I was OK, if I needed anything and I let him in. He asked about my plan, I think he thought I was sick or going to follow you back to Harrogate or both. Instead, I told him, 'now'. Lets do it now. He seemed surprised but he agreed."
Hearing Caroline's sharp intake of breath, Kate looked at her raising her eyebrows and tipping her head down, asking mutely if Caroline wanted her to continue. Caroline pulled her head back and her shoulders down then said very quietly, "your going to have to say it."
Kate's eyes moved from taking in Caroline's expressions to lock onto her eyes. Resentment flashed through her at these words, wasn't she being as honest as she knew how to be? How dare Caroline say these words to her. Glaring into the eyes so blue that they hurt her to look into them Kate realized that Caroline was once again allowing her in. The anguish was still there but so was empathy and something else that spoke to Kate of the generous nature and strength of character embodied in this remarkable woman. Seeing all of this was freely offered to her Kate grasped what she'd had no right to believe would be offered. They had always spoken such volumes to one another with their eyes, maybe this is why they hadn't made the space in their lives for the conversations that they should have been having, for discussions that might have taken them on a different path. Might have saved each of them so much suffering.
Eyes still locked, questions and answers flashing between them fast as computer code. Kate's almost drained battery pulled a charge from the reserves of Caroline's natural vitality. This time she heard the love behind the words, "You're going to have to say it." Kate knew Caroline was right, if she didn't say the words out loud to Caroline, this episode could never be over between them.
She'd come this far; she had to say the rest. Kate closed her eyes and resumed in a toneless voice. "I let him watch me undress. I had my back to him, but I knew he was watching. Once I was under the covers, he put the do not disturb notice outside the door. I closed my eyes and waited." Meeting Caroline's eyes she said quietly but still slightly defiant, "So, we did it."
Caroline, needing to know and at the same time not wanting to know, not asking, but stating, "More than once." She was breathing hard now, as if she had just raced up flights of stairs. The pain fully registered on her face. Working hard not to lose control again, she had to know, through barely open lips, "Did you come?"
Kate her sympathy fully aroused now by the sight of the ache on Caroline's face was stunned at this question. She wanted more details? This wasn't enough? Then, wondering if Caroline could take much more Kate tilted her head in another silent question, doubt and warning written on her face.
Caroline, her normally rosy complexion gone grey, demanded through tight lips. "Did you?"
Kate, growing cross now that Caroline would put both of them through this, snapped, "Not then."
At this, a sound escaped Caroline as if she'd been slapped. Kate looked at her regret mixed with censure on her face for Caroline's insistence that they go into this.
Caroline, obviously bracing herself, arms pressed to the chair, tears rolling unchecked down her cheeks, unable to move until she had heard it all. Her voice still demanding, "Tell me the rest."
So angry now that she could no longer look at Caroline, Kate looked out the front window again, over Caroline's shoulder, her voice grudging and irritated, "right after… he fell asleep." Rolling her eyes, still looking past Caroline. "When he woke, I let him. Again." Angry defiant brown eyes on tormented, demanding blue ones, "I'd gone this far. I wanted the best chance possible, so I let him. Again."
Raising her gaze back to the window knowing she would not be able to tell the rest if she had to witness the pain etched face of Caroline, "It wasn't like I'd thought it would be. I thought it could just be a friendly thing, a favor between friends. I guess that was stupid of me. Maybe it was because I had to dump you to do it. Oh, I don't know, it was awful. I couldn't stand to look at him, he'd been far too close before, so I made him take me from behind." Willing herself to finish this and be done, "between the anger raging in me and the physicality…" After a pause, still looking out the window, "Then I asked him to go. As soon as he was out of the room I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. It had been humiliating. I was appalled at myself and yet I knew I would do it again for the chance of a baby. After he left, I showered. Twice.
I called reception to find out what time the next train left from Halifax to Harrogate and if there was a shuttle or if I needed a taxi. Within an hour I was on a train for home. I texted Greg when I got on the train. I didn't want to see him again. I haven't seen him since."
Kate let her gaze drop to find Caroline, rigid in the chair, eyes closed, breathing through her mouth as if there were not enough oxygen in the room. Suddenly she was on her feet, lurching down the hall to the loo. Kate heard her being sick. There hadn't been time to close the door. Feeling a little queasy herself and not from what she was hearing down the hall, Kate took a few steadying breaths before she rose to see if Caroline was going to be all right.
Finding Caroline at the basin washing her face, Kate waited silently. As she turned, her haunted eyes met Kate's. Kate slowly reached out a hand only to see Caroline recoil and give her a warning look. So she just stepped back to let Caroline pass. The baby's weight pressing on her bladder, Kate took her own turn in the loo, wondering if she would have demanded all of this from Caroline if it had been the other way around. It certainly didn't seem to be helping. What had been the point?
Caroline, hearing Kate close the door, stood supporting herself with the back of a chair.
She felt sore, bruised, battered. She also felt suffocated. All at once, she found that she could not remain still. Caroline knew she had to get out of this house. Going to the entry, she was putting on her new down coat when Kate returned.
Kate said in disbelief, "You're leaving? Now! After you put us both through this, you're just going to leave?" Throwing her hands up, Kate spun around heading back across the sitting room. "Unbelievable!"
Looking after her, still pulling on gloves, Caroline, the fury having left her, said wearily, "Kate." Seeing that she continued to walk away, she repeated more sharply, "Kate." As Kate turned, "It isn't meant to hurt you. I don't…" closing her eyes, "want to hurt you." With eyes now pleading for understanding, "I just need to be on my own for a while. Take a walk... think, get my bearings again." Seeing no reaction from Kate, she repeated in a softer voice, "I don't want to hurt you. If I stay here, I don't know what will come out of me. I need to be on my own for a while. Can you understand that?"
Compassion reasserted itself in Kate's face, "Go then. If you must." Watching Caroline pull on the smart fur hat, "do you have your phone?"
Caroline held it up, a tight smile on her face. Closing her eyes for just an instant, Caroline tilted her head and gave Kate a look of apology, "I have to go. Bye." Opening the door, pausing to look at a confused and distressed Kate she said once more, "Bye." She was gone.
Kate, collapsing into the nearest chair, let out a deep breath and felt the tears forming in her eyes as she stared at the closed door. Feeling the baby kick she wondered how all of this had affected her child. Realized that she had been thinking much less about the baby these last days since she had been around Caroline so much, wondered if this was a good thing or not. Her stomach rumbled and Kate realized that it was after 1:00. They'd had only toast and cereal for breakfast today. Her first thought was for Caroline out walking on an empty stomach in the emotional state that she was in. Did she take her purse? Did she have money in her pocket? Sighing deeply, Kate thought rationally, 'she is a grown woman, surely she can take care of herself.' Then continued to worry. When her stomach growled again, Kate pushed herself wearily from the chair. She knew she needed to eat for the sake of her child if not for herself.
Moving to the kitchen, Kate heated soup from a tin and ate it sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter. Looking out at the winter landscape of her garden, she realized that the sun had disappeared and the wind had picked up since morning. She watched the steadily swaying the branches of the bare trees. Thinking about Caroline out walking in the bitter wind, Kate began to worry again.