Chapter 14
"You look tired, Madeleine," said Dr. Jenkins. He was seated across from me in a matching leather wingback chair with his right leg casually resting on his left knee. A notepad rested in his lap.
"I don't sleep well," I said, shifting in my chair.
"Why is that?" he asked. Was he kidding? I know Matt had filled him in on my ordeal, so why was he asking me such a stupid question.
"Why the hell do you think!?" I snapped.
"I know the root reason, Madeleine. That's not what I meant. I mean what is it specifically that wakes you up from your sleep? What happens?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. Ummm….I have bad dreams, I guess. I can't always get back to sleep afterwards," I said.
"What are the dreams about?" he asked.
"Him," I said.
"Him?" he inquired. I was beginning to get annoyed with his reverse questioning.
"Stephen. Stephen Gage, my ex-husband," I said.
"He was the man who held you captive, correct?" he asked.
"Yes," I said.
"Why did he do it?" he asked pointedly.
"I don't really know. Revenge, I think," I said.
"Revenge against you?" he asked.
"Me...and Matt, too," I said.
"You initiated the divorce, is that right?" he asked. I nodded and he asked me on what grounds.
"Adultery. He had many affairs during our marriage," I said.
"So why did he want revenge against Matt?" he asked.
"Because I was with him, I suppose. I don't know. It's sort of a blur now," I said.
"What has that got to do with Stephen? You were divorced," he said.
"Matt and I were high school sweethearts. I always thought he and I would get married, but we were separated by circumstances that were out of our control," I said.
"His father's death?" he asked.
"Yes...in a way...it was lots of things...mostly it was misunderstanding," I said.
"Which you regretted," he said. Again, I nodded and toyed with the hem on my denim skirt.
"Did the regret you had for losing Matt carry over into your marriage with Stephen?" he asked.
"Everyday," I said as the tears began to flow. Dr. Jenkins handed me a tissue and I dutifully wiped my eyes.
"Do you feel some guilt over that...especially now that Stephen is dead?" he asked.
"I suppose," I shrugged.
We were interrupted by a buzz from the phone on his desk. He excused himself and walked over to the other side of the room.
"Yes, Marie...what is it?," said Dr. Jenkins, pressing the intercom button.
"Sorry to interrupt you, Doctor...but Mr. Casey is here now," said the receptionist's voice.
"Thank you, Marie. Send him in," he replied. A few seconds later, the door to his office opened and Matt walked in. He shook hands with Dr. Jenkins .
"Thanks for seeing Maddy on such short notice, Jack. I really appreciate it," said Matt.
"No problem, Matt. I'm happy to do it," he replied. I stood up and straightened my skirt.
"Are you OK, baby? You look like you've been crying," said Matt, as he leaned in to kiss me.
"Yeah, I'm alright," I said. I actually did feel a little better then when I had first sat down.
"Same time on Wednesday, Madeleine?" asked Dr. Jenkins.
"She can't, Jack. We're going out of town for a few days. We both need a change of scenery and some time alone. We'll be back in less than a week" said Matt.
"Fine...fine...just call Marie when you get back to set up an appointment, Maddy. Oh...may I call you that?" Dr. Jenkins asked.
"Only if I can call you Jack," I said.
"It's a deal. Have a lovely trip," he answered as he reached over his desk to take my hand.
"Thanks again, Jack," said Matt as he shook his hand again. We walked out of the office together back into the blazing Chicago heat.
"Are you ready to go?" said Matt.
"Did you stop the mail and the paper?" I asked.
"Yep," he said.
"Did you call Em and tell her we're going away?" I asked.
"Yep," he said.
"Did you console her when you told her she couldn't go with us?" I asked.
"Yep," he said.
"Did you call my dad?" I asked.
"Yep," he answered.
"Did you remember my suitcase and all the stuff I left on the bed this morning?" I asked.
"Yep," he said.
"Did you remember the chocolate chunk cookies, Cheetos and Pinot Grigio?" I asked.
"Yep," he said again.
"Then I'm ready to go," I said. His face broke into that broad smile of his that always lifted me up out of a dark place. He picked up my hand and kissed the back of it. When he let it go, I wrapped my arms around his neck and planted a tender kiss on his mouth. It soon erupted into a wet, soft erotic kiss...the second in as many weeks and it felt amazing.
"I love you," he mouthed silently as the kiss ended.
"I love you too," I mouthed back to him. Nothing would ever change that either. Not even if he ended up walking away from me when this was all over. He would always be the only man I would ever love for the rest of my life.
We both got into the car and headed for Crystal Lake, which was about a 90 minute ride from the city. I had to keep my eyes closed for the first thirty minutes because driving through the streets of Chicago made me flash back to being in the Lincoln with Stephen. The sound of Matt's voice startled me out of my temporary self-induced haze.
"Do you think after talking with to Dr. Jenkins today that it might help you?" he asked.
"As long as he stops asking me stupid goddamn questions," I said.
"Like what?" Matt asked, with a grin on his face.
"Like why I've been having nightmares. He knows what happened to me, for Christ's sake," I said.
"Yeah, he did the same to me when I went to see him. 'How did it feel to find your fiancee lying dead on the floor in that clinic'," he said, doing a perfect impression of Dr. Jenkins. We both broke into fits of laughter almost simultaneously.
"Laughing looks good on you, Maddy," he said, grinning from ear to ear.
"It felt pretty good, too," I said.
We soon arrived at the lake, driving down a long roughly paved private road which wound around the shoreline. Kristy's cabin was at the end of the lane, tucked back away from the road in the middle of a small grove of tall pine trees. As we turned onto the dirt driveway, we passed a gazebo decorated with small white lights and flower boxes full of pink and white petunias. As we drove further in, I could see the cabin's pine log siding and a big brass sun hanging on the front of it. I began to feel the tenseness in my neck start to fade as we parked up close to the big front deck. It was a completely different atmosphere from home and I could already sense the difference in my mood. I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath in. The air was clean and fresh and smelled of pine.
"Good?" Matt asked, looking at me from over the roof of the car.
"Very good," I said.
The inside of the cabin was done entirely in knotty pine wainscoting that gave it a quaint, rustic feel. Braided rugs were scattered over the hardwood flooring and lace panels with pine tree accents hung in almost every window. It was bright and cheery and exactly what I needed. After we unpacked the car, I sat crosslegged on the couch, making myself comfortable while Matt banged around in the kitchen. I pulled the lace curtain on the front window aside to look at the lake and the absence of my engagement ring hit me like a speeding train. My belongings were given to Matt when I was discharged from the hospital and he hadn't given it back to me.
"Great view, isn't it?" I heard Matt's voice say from behind me. I turned around to see him smiling and holding two glasses of wine.
"It's gorgeous. I could stare out at it all day," I said, taking one of the glasses from his hand. He sat down on the couch close beside me, pulling his knee up onto the couch until it was touching mine.
"I could stare at you all day, too" he said, taking a sip of wine before setting the glass down on the coffee table.
His blue-green eyes were glistening as he sat there with a slight grin on his face. He looked so perfect, like my Matthew...like the way he was before Stephen's insanity took me away from him... and before I realized it, I was leaning in close to him and kissing him squarely on the mouth. His mouth was soft and wet and tasted of wine and he responded to me the moment my lips touched his. His hand grasped the side of my neck, holding me firmly and pulling me closer to him. His mouth seemed hungry for mine as he seductively, but tenderly deepened the kiss. I wanted more but I was still afraid to let myself feel too much. He hadn't mentioned our wedding once since my ordeal and I was still terrified that he planned to leave me once I was stronger. I abruptly pulled away from him even though my body was screaming for more.
"Maddy?" said Matthew as I backed away from him. His face was flushed and his chest was heaving as if he had run a marathon.
"Sorry," I said as I shifted back to my side of the couch. I grabbed my glass of wine of the table and took a few swallows. Matt moved next to me and picked up my hand and kissed the back of it.
"Baby steps, Maddy. We'll get there,' he said. "And then you'll be gone…" my inner voice said. We both finished our wine and got up from the couch. Matt went back into the kitchen to start dinner and I followed behind him.
"I think I'm going to go for a walk along the lake, OK?" I said. He was bent over in the refrigerator gathering things for dinner.
"I'll come with you," he said as he stood up.
"Do you mind if I go alone?" I asked, tentatively. His face broke into a soft smile as he closed the refrigerator door. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me, like a cocoon protecting its butterfly until it was ready to spread its wings and fly.
"If I could tuck myself inside one of your pockets, I would….but since I know you would hate that, I'll let you go without me," he said, kissing me on my nose.
"Thank you," I said softly.
"Dinner will be ready in an hour, so be back by then…..and take your phone," he said as I started to turn and walk towards the front door.
"Yes, Dad, " I called back at him, mockingly.
"Oh...and Maddy?" he said. I turned to see him standing in the kitchen doorway.
"Yeah?" I said, stopping in my tracks. He walked slowly over to me, took my face in his hands and gave me a soft, deep, wet kiss that I felt down to my toes.
"I love you," he said, as his mouth slowly pulled away from mine.
"I love you too," I said.
I quickly turned away from him before he could see my tears. I was sure he was sick of them by now. I pushed the screen door open, ran down the steps of the front deck and down the dirt driveway. It was warm and muggy, but the breeze from the lake kept the air moving. The smell of the air grew fresh as I got closer to the water. I took off my sandals and walked along the stones at the edge of the lake, winding past several docks and boathouses before turning around and coming back to the dock in front of our cabin. I walked to the end of it and let my feet dangle in the cool water. I laid back on the boards, covering my eyes with my arm and listening to the sound of the water lapping against the wooden piers of the dock and the call of the gulls as they searched for their dinner. It was the most serene I had felt in several weeks. I drifted off into a light sleep until I was awakened by the feel of my cell phone vibrating in my pocket.
"It can't be dinner time yet," I said, without looking at my phone and still sounding half asleep. Maybe I had been asleep longer than I'd realized.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I heard Em's voice say.
"Sorry, I thought you were Matt. What's up, Em?" I asked as I sat up and rubbed at my eyes. I had forgotten what peaceful sleep was like and those few minutes of it felt amazing.
"Just wondering how you're feeling, babe," she said.
"Tired, but I think I'm beginning to unwind. I just fell asleep on the boat dock," I said, yawning.
"That's awesome.. How did your session with Jenkins go?" she asked.
"Good, I think. I mean, I did feel better after leaving his office," I said.
"And how are things with you and Casey?" she asked. I could already tell where this was going to go.
"OK...we're fine," I said.
"Liar," said Em. She could see right through me, even when she wasn't anywhere near me.
"He's going to leave me, Em. I just know it," I blurted out.
"Have you lost your mind, Madeleine Elizabeth Coventry Soon to Be Casey? That man loves you like no one else in this world ever has...including your father and me and you know how much we both love you!" she was practically screeching now.
"He hasn't given me back my engagement ring and he hasn't mentioned our wedding in weeks, Em. Who can blame him? How the hell would he want me after..," I said.
"You're talking crazy now, Mads! That man nearly self-destructed while you were missing! I know because Kelly and I saw him every day! A man doesn't love a woman like that for most of his life that just to walk away from her when things get messy," she said. I hated it when she made more sense than I did and set me straight in that inimitable way of hers. I sat there in silence as I usually did whenever she managed to flabbergast me.
"You know I'm right, Madster," she said, breaking the awkward silence.
"I don't...not really..not yet at least," I said.
"You will, babes. Trust me. You'll see the signs. They're everywhere," she said. Just then, my text tone chimed in my ear. I pulled my phone away to look at it, seeing that it was a text from Matthew telling me dinner was ready.
"I have to go, Em. Dinner's ready. I'll call you tomorrow, OK?" I said.
"OK, babes. Love you...and have faith," she said.
"Spoken like a true atheist. Love you too, Em," I said. I heard her blow raspberries in my ear as I ended the call and headed back from the cabin.
As I walked up onto the front deck, I could see Matthew had arranged for us to eat outside. Steaks, tossed salad, a loaf of crusty French bread and a bottle of red wine were all set out on the patio table.
"Hey baby, I hope you're hungry," said Matthew as he walked out onto the deck with two wine glasses in his hands.
"It looks amazing, but where's the Cheetos?" I asked. He put the glasses down and slipped his arms around my waist.
"They go better with white wine," he said, before kissing me. The feel of his arms around me always made me feel safe and loved. Nothing had changed about the way he made me feel and it never would. I needed to know if he felt the same way. He acted like Matthew...loving, attentive, passionate...but was he doing because nothing had made him stop loving me or out of some sense of duty or obligation. I was still unsure, but Em said there would be signs and I was counting on that before the next few days passed.
"I made plans for us tomorrow," said Matt as we started to eat.
"Oh really….are you going to tell me what it is?" I asked.
"I think I'm going to keep it a secret," he said, grinning as he was chewing. Christ, he was so gorgeous. The little dimple on his left cheek that appeared everytime he smiled drove me to distraction. It always had.
"How about a walk by the lake when we're finished?" asked Matt..He was washing dishes and I was drying them.
"If it's alright, I think I'm gonna call it an early night. Between the relaxed atmosphere up here and the wine, I finally feel like I could actually get a good night's sleep," I said.
"Sure...as long as you promise to fall asleep in my arms," he said.
"I can't imagine a better place," I said, stepping closer to him for a kiss. He hooked his arm around my waist and pulled my body in close to his, deepening the kiss.
"I'm gonna hop in the shower and wash off the last of the Chicago dirt. Meet you in the bedroom soon?" I said.
"Try to stop me, baby." he said, snapping one of the dish towels at my behind.
I could feel the weight of my body's fatigue as I stepped in the shower. I was hopeful that a peaceful night would find me after three weeks of nightmares and interrupted sleep. I dried myself off, brushed my teeth, slathered on my favorite body lotion and pulled on fresh panties with one of Matt's tank undershirts. When I came out of the bathroom, Matt was undressing by the side of the bed. The buttons on his jeans were undone and he was shirtless. As I stood in front the dresser brushing my hair, I watched him in the mirror taking off his watch and laying it on the nightstand, the muscles in his back rippling as he moved. I wanted so much for him to make love to me, but I didn't want him to do it out of pity for me. "You'll see the signs….they're everywhere…" I heard Em's voice say.
I climbed into bed while Matt was finishing up in the bathroom. I picked up my dog-eared copy of Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar". My body was exhausted, but my mind was still racing and reading a few sobering lines written by a manic depressive might help it to settle down.
"A little light reading before bed?" said Matt as he shut off the bathroom light.
"I can't help it. It's one of my favorites," I said as I slid the bookmark between the pages and put it back on my nightstand.
"What does that say?" asked Matt, pointing towards my book. I pulled the bookmark back out of the book to show him.
"What? This?" I asked. "He has to remember this…." my little voice said.
" 'I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)'," he read aloud.
"I think they're the most beautiful words ever written and ever spoken," I said.
" 'I am never without it...anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling….'," he said, looking directly into my eyes. I could feel the tears beginning to well up.
"You remembered," I said, crying softly.
"How could I ever forget that, Maddy? It's the poem by E E Cummings we read to each other the night before you went away to college. Say some of it with me, like we did that night," he said, wiping away my tears with his thumb.
"I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you…."
His eyes were brimming with tears now. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he put his mouth on mine, running my fingers at the back of his head, his tears falling onto my face as he kissed me.
"I held on to the memory of that night for so long. It helped get me through my Dad's death," he said.
"I'm so sorry, Matt...had I known, I...," I said, choking back sobs.
"Shhhhh, baby….it's not your fault...come here," he said.
He wrapped his arms around me and rolled over onto his back. I slid in close to him, cuddling up against him. I rested my hand on his chest and pressed my nose into his skin. He smelled warm and musky….safe and familiar...like my Matthew. He softly stroked my hair as I ran my fingers through the hair on his chest. I felt more at ease than I had earlier in the day. I wondered if this was one of the signs that Em had said were all around. I could feel the exhaustion take over my consciousness as I began to fall asleep.
"I will always love you, Maddy...no matter what happens," I heard him say.
"I will always love you too, Matthew," I said. It's what would happen that scared me.